Friday, April 08, 2011

The Gamechangers...


We've chatted all week about game killers. And we talked a little about people that we don't even want to invite to the festivities. The game is still the game but wouldn't it be great to get to the point where you don't have to play anymore? That part of the game is called winning. You get the girl/guy and you keep them. Happily. If not ever after, at least long enough for both parties to smile over the "good times."

So what are some characteristics that can change the outcome of the game?

1) Attention to detail

Losing: A male friend of mine used to do the exact (exact!) same thing first three dates. First date, he'd show up with daisies and take the lady to an out of the way jazz spot. Second date, mixed bouquet and a seafood place. Third date, roses and dinner at his place. He'd ask her to bring dessert (or be dessert, whichever worked). Why did two exes meet up at the jazz spot by chance one night and compare notes? The fall-out was EPIC. All he had to do was take five minutes to play twenty questions: What's your favorite flower? What's your favorite color? What's your favorite food? Dude, make an effort. He didn't. He lost.

Winning: Rob, a BnB regular, wanted to propose to Amy with a great ring. All he knew was that she didn't want a traditional princess cut diamond in a regular setting. He called me and Jayme and said, "She loves pink, she hates gold, and she wants simple." He gave us a price range and that's how Amy ended up rocking a gorgeous pink diamond in a platinum setting on a simple band. (Yes, she would have accepted his proposal even with a crap ring but that's not the point of the story) Attention to detail, people. Rob won. 

2) Sincerity. Check this ridiculous but true story:

Dude had been hitting on chick forever (seven weeks). He tried every ticky-tacky line in the book. Finally, he just rolled up and said, "I don't want to get married, I just thought we could get some hot wings and have some sex." 

Dude got the date and the cocoa. Sometimes, people just want to hear the truth - even if it's raw. He won.

3) Ability to communicate -

Losing: Ladies and Gents, we have GOT to stop thinking that our psychic powers will kick in at any second. Very few of  us have the ability to read minds. I vividly recall a girlfriend of mine just bitching about her boyfriend. "By now he should KNOW what I WANT!" I wondered aloud, "Did you ever tell him that's what you wanted?" Her response, "Well no." Me (with eye roll), "If he's done it this way all along and you never told him you don't like it, how is he supposed to know?" Her, "He just SHOULD." Girl bye. Which is exactly what old boy said not too long after this drama. She lost.

Winning: Let me take a moment and send out some soul claps, 14 snaps, 6 hallelujahs and an ovation to the folks here in BougieLand. One thing we are not shy about is sharing what we think, how we feel and really just about anything else that pops into our heads. I get emails from people really appreciating the fact that we try (really, really try) to stay open to everyone's opinions on all our random topics. Doesn't hurt that some of our commenters appear to be real easy on the eyes. Game on. Communication rocks. Skills and knowledge you pick up here can only make you shine brighter in the real world. We win.

Talk to me BougieLand, finish this scenario. Someone is interested in you, you are just not feeling it. What is the one (or two or three) things they could do to change that no to a yes? Top gamechangers... the floor is yours.

43 comments:

Jubilance said...

Love this list of gamechangers & the stories!

For me, the top gamechangers are attention to detail & honest/open communication. If I think a guy is being less than truthful, or simply trying to run the same game/techniques that he runs on every other woman on me, he'll get absolutely nowhere with me. Being honest & paying attention to my likes/dislikes will show me his sincerity level, and could change my mind about him.

What doesn't work on me is persistence. True story - I met a guy last June & I run into him often because we run in the same circle. Every week he asked me out & every week I said no, until December, when I finally consented to meeting for drinks. It was wack, we have no chemistry (which I told him) and I told him there wouldn't be a second date. Its now April & he continues to ask me out *sigh* I suppose he's just one of those men who isn't used to losing...but his persistence isn't cute, its just annoying.

rozb said...

From a "no" to a "yes"?

1. Humor. You have to make me laugh. Not the little polite tee-hees you might get from a chicken crossing the road joke. I mean keeping me laughing until I feel like I have been doing crunches all day. I have an off-beat sense of humor (yeah I know - BIG surprise), and I love a wide variety of material from Monty Python and the Family Guy, to George Carlin and Lewis Black, to early Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac, and Sommore. However - you don't want to try to go in with a game of The Dozens with me. You would lose every time, and nothing turns me off more than a man who is a crybaby and can't take what he dishes out.

2. Compassion. You don't have to hug every puppy you see or feed all the homeless, but having empathy and compassion for those who are less fortunate than you gets a huge thumbs up from me. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than listening to a man talk about the homeless, jobless, or just down-and-out as if they were dirt on his shoe while he might be one missed payday away from being there himself. This kind of man is too quick to forget where he came from and will be an ass-hat if he ever has to go back there.

Family. You have to have love for family. Now - I am not talking about abusive families that you barely survived. Love 'em but leave 'em alone. I am talking about respect for your parents, love for your siblings, and acknowledgment of your relatives. I come from a scattered family that can barely get it together for family reunions. We have a great time at weddings and funerals and promise to keep in touch but it doesn't happen. On the other hand, my fiance has a huge family that he interacts with, including the ones that get on his nerves. He doesn't judge them, shows them love, and treats them with kindness and respect. And they are just plain old fun!

Those are my top three game changers. Time for coffee!

CaliGirlED said...

I would definitely have to go with humor. A man that can make me laugh and laugh with me gets major points. But if he's one that jokes at the expense of others and has no regards for their hurt feelings, he's a loser. Honesty is another big one for me. Whether we are just hanging out, or working on a relationship, don't lie to me about your extracurricular activities. I am open and upfront about who I am, the flaws that I'm working on and the ones that I will probably take to my grave. If he comes off as being Mr. Perfect, he loses. And attention to detail is a great plus. I was very impressed once when my ex said, "You got your eyebrows done huh?" I had been keeping them maintained, but this time I told the girl to make them a little thinner. Yeah he won big that day! One more for extra measure, a guy can definitely score major points with me if likes to go out and have fun. Just chillin at my house or yours (or your boy's), will get you cut quickly.

CaliSlim said...

You nailed it.

I think sincerity is key. Folks at any given time are gonna want different things out the dating game. For some it's just hot wings and sex (*clutching pearls at that example*)...

And I know what I want to acheive out of dating too. So if I meet a guy who wants the same things, and is sincere and genuine in his intentions, we're both so much better off without the game playing and okey doke.

J B said...

In all instances of no-to-yes, it was because I'd gotten to know the man better and learned we had more in common than originally thought.

Great question, because I've been wrestling with this for about a week with Contestant #1. Honestly, I don't think there's anything he can do differently except for losing all the tics he has (grimaces/gestures for ten seconds when he can't think of something), and not explaining everything in minute details when I ask a question. He's admitted that people have told him "I just want to know the time, not how the watch was made". And he's right.

rozb said...

Even if I just want to throw the dog in the car and go for a drive in the country, he is all about it! No sticks in the mud for me!

Natasha Hunter said...

On e'rything I was on the elliptical this morning thinking about yesterday's posts and I said to myself we forgot to not invite Funny Frank, because this is that cat whose sense of humor/confidence/charm is so on point you have to keep checking to make sure your panties are still on. (C'mon we all know at least one...)

So yeah, humor scores big with me.

blackprofessor said...

Let me just say that yall went crazy yesterday with the monikers! I almost had an accident on myself while reading the comments, LOL!!

I think you nailed my top 3. Attention to detail can make all the difference in the world when you know a gentleman is paying attention to YOU and not just doing what worked on the last 3 to 5 women. My last deal sealer would be a man who earnestly wants to grow and expand his horizons! Someone who recognizes where they are but more importantly that he will have to continuously grow in order to get to where he ultimately wants to me. That does it for me every time!

Cassie said...

Charm, perseverance and chemistry.

Jason P said...

Gotta agree with these, a woman's ability to communicate (and not expect me to mind read) is crucial. A smile never hurt either - a generally pleasant attitude can go a long way.

BlackButterfly said...

Attention to detail, humor and compassion are big ones with me.

MariSol said...

If he can be flexible, roll with the punches and keep a sense of humor - that's a gamechanger.

FreeBlackMan said...

CONFIDENCE!!! I don't want to spend all my time propping someone up with self-esteem issues.

Deb B said...

And I don't want to have to ego stroke 24/7. A little arrogance goes a long way. Just a touch.

michaeldavis said...

Women realizing that there is a difference between pursuit and chasing.
I don't mind pursuing, I will not chase.

Also: wit, intellectual curiosity, a go-with-the-flow attitude (as was said yesterday, every little glitch in life is NOT a catastrophe), and a woman that knows how to roll with a gentleman. What I mean: there are few things more annoying on a date than for a woman to hop out the car as soon as you get parked to go somewhere...and her rushing ahead so she can get her own door into the restaurant. Let me open the door, I promise you it does NOT affect your standing as an independent woman.

My Grandmom (RIP) trained me : she would sit in the car and look at the door handle like "BOY - I'm waiting for you to open it. "

michaeldavis said...

I get props on my attention to detail.. so SHHHHH. you're giving away my skills here :)

Pure Choco said...

That old school rap "You gotsa chill" - what would we call that? Laidbackness? Chill factor? Ability not to be pressed? Anyway, I like a fella to make his interest known and not go full out "on the hunt" mode. Whatever that's called - I like.

David Chase said...

I'll say it - hotness helps. Also, if I see something that's a little surprising or intriguing. Also, if a woman knows her own mind. And most recently I've discovered that I like if I have to work for it a little bit.

CaliGirlED said...

Go to the park? Go cart driving, arcade, amusement park, museum? Just get up off the couch!

CaliGirlED said...

Ok Michael your secrets are safe with me!

CaliGirlED said...

Charming Charlie? And if he's eye candy to boot, I'm good as gone! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

It's called not acting like you need an IV stat, to cure your dehydration cause you're beyond a bottle of water!

CaliGirlED said...

Oh and let's not forget to give props to Rob for paying attention to detail and then seeking out a little help to get the perfect ring for his bride to be! A pink diamond in platinum setting?!! *rocking and fanning, saying to myself, "Just wait your turn, he's coming!"*

Javalicious said...

Mellow swagger?

blackprofessor said...

Okay, Rob nailed that one! Here's hoping that Rob starts teaching classes on how to win with engagement rings, im.just.saying!

Dr. Peppa said...

Someone who is not afraid to be real

SingLikeSassy said...

Q. Someone is interested in you, you are just not feeling it. What is the one (or two or three) things they could do to change that no to a yes?

A. Become someone else? I mean being honest, if I don't like somebody romantically, there really isn't much they can do to change that....

Rob said...

Rob was smart enough to have Michele and Jayme on speed dial. They rock, hard. (and found it wholesale too!) #winning

William Martin said...

Confidence is sexy. Something about a woman who is feeling herself... wait a minute - not like that. Well that's hot too but never mind, you know what I'm trying to say.

CaliGirlED said...

Doc you've been a little freaky this week!

Cha Keziah said...

I love this list! Top 3 "gamechangers" for me:

1. No game playing/actually be you. Do not do the whole "I can't call, I can't talk, I can't do X, Y, or Z" because ___ said so." No. Be you. If you are the person to send texts, call, etc, DO THAT. Half the time when I don't really like some it's because I sense that they're not being 100% themselves. That said...

2. Take cues. I'm a generally nice person, but if I say, please only call me 1/day or stop texting me..do that. If I ask that we not hang out 2/week, please don't ask that. Similarly, take cues from what I like. As others have said, pay attention. And, finally under this section, take cues from God. A man who actually listens to God? yeah...

3. Humor. As just about every other woman has said, making me genuinely laugh (and not in self-deprecating humor) is h.o.t.

William Martin said...

Me?! *looks behind him for Riley*

Steve said...

This has been a great week. I don't have anything to add to what's been said below so I'll just applaud your fine writing.

OneChele said...

Good one.

OneChele said...

Smooth with it. I feel ya.

OneChele said...

Indeed.

OneChele said...

Excellent combination.

OneChele said...

Total agreement >>> In all instances of no-to-yes, it was because I'd gotten to know the man better and learned we had more in common than originally thought.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

I feel like we should India's Strength, Courage & Wisdom playing in the background.

Cherelle D. Mattox said...

Um, I'm with CaliGirl on this one. I thought I was the only one that noticed that one. Mr. Riley not here to help you out on this one bruh.

Sarah said...

Hmm... I think I figured something out yesterday. All I'm going to say is I approve and I hope it goes well. :-)

BrendaKay said...

I'm betting that the guy offering the hot wings and cocoa stirring, spent some time reading Riley's always enlightening comments. :-)

DJ Reggie Beas said...

I always say "if I like you there is nothing you can do about it, and if I don't like you there is nothing you can do about it."

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