Thursday, April 07, 2011

Are you just too ratchet to play the game of love?


If I sat and took inventory of some of the just plain out-of-pocketness ratchetery told to me and experienced by me on the rocky pathway to Lovetown, I'd have to wonder how the relationship game EVER gets won. Let's face facts. Not everyone is ready to play. Some folks should just sit on the sidelines until they've studied the playbook a little more closely. Let me share a few examples:

Stan the Screamer - Yeah... I don't mean this in a good way. A girlfriend of mine tried really hard to date Stan. At first impression, he was good-looking, employed, well-spoken, charming enough. Stan had short-fuse-itis. He's that guy you see screaming at the attendant in 7-11 because they are out of Cherry Slurpee. He's the guy who drives on your bumper through a school zone then whips around you and guns down the street (shooting you the finger as he whizzes past). He yells at waiters, valets, flight attendants and then one day, he yells at you... for no damn good reason. The Stans of the world have issues. I have to ask, "Why so angry?" Until Stan attends some anger management seminars, he's not allowed to play.

Melanie the Messy - Something must be done about her. She lives for mess, lives in mess, and is always starting some mess. I have cut SO many Messy Melanie's out of my life, there should be a support group somewhere. You tell this woman the sky is blue and next thing you know there's a rumor going around town that you slept with a ninja named Blue and you did it outside in public under a cloudless sky. She gossips and without fodder for gossip, she just makes shiggity up. She's so good at it, when you hear her discussing your relationship and none of it sounds familiar... you wonder if your memory is going. Leave Melanie alone until she learns to zip it and embrace truth.

L-Dub the Dramatical - We KNOW this guy. Drama clings to him like Lycra on Amber Rose's hindparts. I was seeing a guy (I can't even call him a gentleman) that I'll name L-Dub. Six weeks into the relationship, I'm at his house at 3:00am when the doorbell rings. Laser. Beam. Side. Eye. Ex-girlfriend of his, now a "friend" just "dropping by. No ma'am. No sir. Two weeks later, we're at dinner with her and her fiancĂ© when the story flies out of her mouth that her 7-year old is actually L-Dub's. When we broke up (very shortly after the baby daddy revelation and the fact that mysterious women's underwear kept showing up in his laundry), this ninja sat on my front porch in the rain with "Until You Come Back to Me" on repeat. [Can someone say 911?] Ya'll see why I avoid drama like John Boehner avoids the truth? Someone queue up Mary J's "No More Drama" please...

Suzette the Sorrowful - Suzi is sad. And in case you weren't sure why, she'll tell you. In excruciating detail. Who hurt her and how. She can't let it go and she won't let you. I'm not talking about a little sad three or four days out of the month. This chick is a sucking black hole of glass-half-empty, black cloud misery. She may disguise it as being mysterious and quiet but the despair that rolls off of her like waves is fairly visible. One of my male friends from college had a wife like this. He thought he (and Zoloft) could fix her. She didn't want to be fixed. Her favorite saying was "It's always darkest before it's pitch black" - fun! If you run across Suzette, just point her towards the closest mental health professional and check back in a year. 

Ivan and Ivanka the Infidels - Simply put... they cheat. Infidelity is thy middle (and first and last) name. It's compulsive. I don't know whether they need constant validation, just want that feeling of something new or some other more complex issue from a troubled childhood is rearing it's ugly head. Whatever the reason, they can't keep it zipped or closed or whatever the "no cocoa" position happens to be. What's the worst thing about Ivan/ka? They always (always, always) try to make it your fault. It's never just, "Okay, you caught me. My bad." It's some exotic, deflective explanation, "You know I was ho-centric (skankalicious?) when you met me." "I didn't mean to do it but you've been so cold to me." Or my personal favorite, "This is obviously a sign that something is wrong between us." Um-hmm. Ivan/ka is not invited to the party, I wish people would quit letting them in.

I could go all day, but I'll let you go in. If the game of love is a party, who just shouldn't get an invite to the dance? BougieLand - thoughts, comments, insights?

105 comments:

Jasmine Girl said...

Love it! How about Larry the Liar - dude never met a truth he couldn't avoid.

Jesse said...

I knew a chick a little too well who was half Melanie, half Ivanka - Melanka?
And you are right - they just should get a turn at the ferris wheel until they get right

JohnKinPDX said...

Well let's not be sexist - scoot on down and make room for Ursula the Untruthful on the bench.

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah my dumb a$$ had a baby by him! WTH?!! LOL

Steve said...

Can you add Luscious the Life-Sucking Layabout to your list? She fine but she doesn't DO anything but lay around and expect you to pay for her fineness.

CaliGirlED said...

I have a friend, Elaine the Exaggerator! She stretches the truth so far that it damn near becomes a lie. Makes you question your memory of what actually happened! (Hmmm she must be Melanie the Messy's cousin!)

OneChele said...

First of all, I rebuke you for naming her Luscious. She sounds like the works at the House of Cheeks during Happy Hour. In other words... is she a skripper?
LMAO!

.tisha said...

Ian and Iona the Immature

This cat/chick right here doesn't know how to conduct themselves in such a way as to cause their exes to respect the fact that they are in a new relationship. In addition, they might even *gasp* like the drama that is created when their exes find out there's some new love on the horizon and subsequently begins to act out like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum in Toys R Us. It inflates their chest (breast?) when it appears that they are in the middle of TWO people who want them--ratchet human being that they are.

Uh, no.

As the profound lyricist Faith Evans once proclaimed, You gets no love!

TreyCharles said...

I ain't saying she a gold-digger..."

tiffanyinhouston said...

I would like to introduce Betty The Bitter Bish to the ratchet party.
Fellas, run like the proverbial wind when you come across her!!!!
Ladies, stop answering the phone when she calls lest you soak up her tartness and become a lemon yourself!

TreyCharles said...

I think I met their third cousin from the South, Willie Rae "Would I Lie To You" Jenkins.

Lady4Real said...

Melvin the Mamasboy . I mean he walks around with umblical cord attached and nipple never leaving his mouth. I made the fatal mistake of having my youngest son with one of these and I axed my marriage to my ex-husband becaue he was one of these. (2 in one lifetime is just wrong). It's one thing to love and respect your mama, that makes my heart melt but when mommy is coming over to clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, pick out clothes, take you all around town and is giving me laserbeam, die-bitch-die side eye "Houston we have a problem". Cut the cord, stop suckling, grow a pair and let Mama be. LeDamn. LeSigh. No Bueno.

Lady4Real said...

Louis the Life-Sucking Layabout is her brother and he lays around playing video games, hanging with the homies and looking at you cross eyed when you ask, "How did the job search go today?"

Cherelle D. Mattox said...

Cathy/Curtis the Clingy

This here chick/dude spends every waking moment all up under their S/O's or attempting to do just that. Please put the "cocoa stirring" parts down and get a life and hobbies so y'all do have something interesting to talk about every now and then.

Grace said...

I believe Betty rides the same bus as Sourpass Stan the Cynical - nothing is ever his fault, The Man is keeping him down and every woman he ever met was a quasi-lesbian who was out to get him.
RUN from Stanley, DON'T WALK, RUN!

Natasha Hunter said...

Wait, let's not forget about her brother, Benny "I'm not Bitter, I'm Better"

You cannot get off the starting block with this brotha because he has so many laments about how the last chick (and the one before her, and the 3 before them) did him wrong. He claims he's a better man for the trouble but it seems like all he wants to do is pick you apart and tell you what's wrong with black women... and seems like everything but the cocoa.

Javalicious said...

Enrique the Egotistical... yes, Enrique we know you're handsome and swing a mean "stirrer" but damn son, give me a minute to compliment you, stop telling me how wonderful you are. The more you say it, the less I believe it!

CaliGirlED said...

To the Stans I say, "Tell'em why you're mad son"!
I think L-Dub is related to Larry the Liar!
Suzette the Sorrowful goes to my church. One day I'm going to tell her, "The joy of the Lord IS your strength. Jesus is the LIGHT of the world. Go forth and be happy!"
And after I had a baby by Larry the Liar, years later, I got involved in a "committed relationship" with Ivan the Infidel! (Whose middle name is MikeB. the Mama's Boy)

Other uninvited guests to the party:
Nick No-balls
Jackie Jealous-hearted
Brandon the Bragger
Harry/Harriet the Hater
Lisa Sue the Low Self-esteemer
Bobby Boredom
Patrice on a Pedestal

.tisha said...

Well, you coulda married him and had a baby with him as did I. Bless his allergic to the truth heart. LOL!

thinklikeRiley said...

Dirty Diana, second cuzzo to Darling Nikki - when a chick too freaky for RILEY, she too damn freaky. Riley like a lil kink in his cocoa. But bish show up with chili pepper tequila, sour cream, diapers and a car charger? WTF?
Uh-uh, zip that up, I ont even understand how ya been livin'

OneChele said...

iQuit.

J. Jackson said...

Can we add Angry Alice? Cause that was me up until a year ago. I always wondered why when my friends and I would go out, guys were avoiding me like the plague. I finally received my answer when a guy finally broke it down and said, "Ma, why are you so angry? You have a beautiful face, but you always wearing a mug (SN: I thought I was looking normal)" Anyway, needless to say, I needed to do some soul-searching within me, and bow out of the dating scene.

Let's just say that things are MUCH better now. (=:

thinklikeRiley said...

Yup - Gasface Glenda gets no lub in da club.

thinklikeRiley said...

Don't even trip, ya know ya doin' Enrique. Ladies like the big "ego"

thinklikeRiley said...

Betty jus need a lil sugar in her bowl.

Natasha Hunter said...

Gary the Gray Gangsta

This dude gets mad respect in the hood, thuggin' since '84. He's up on the latest slang, instead of the dentures got a grill. He don't love these ho*s and is a pro at the stanky leg... so long as he put the BenGay on that hamstring first.

Natasha Hunter said...

Girl, I had a friend that was telling me a story about something that happened to her, and I had to stop her and say "Wait a minute, that happened to me!" She stole my story! LOL!

Mykeia said...

Dead at House of Cheeks! Dead, and I am working on a deadline!

Mykeia said...

Dead here at work!

Mykeia said...

"Wait, let's not forget Betty's brother, Benny "I'm not Bitter, I'm Better" <=====YES THIS PERSON DOES EXIST!

BB Waite said...

May the Lord forgive me for this one but I gotta call out Sabrina the Sanctified Sinner.
Sabrina done broke up every commandment two-three times in sight of The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost and steady preaching at other people about how to get saved. Sister Sanctimonious has biblical knowledge of 2/3 the choir and 1/2 the Usher Board and stay pointing a finger at other folks talking about they need to get right with Jesus.
Don't stand next to Sister SinsALot, you don't want to get hit when the thunderbolt comes down from heaven.
Amen.

Mykeia said...

I am dying here at work today, your list sums it up too! I am not going to get anything done and I am on a deadline!
Bobby Boredom, girl you are wrong for that, just wrong! ;-)

Mykeia said...

Wow.

Natasha Hunter said...

Ohhhweeee! LOL!

Natasha Hunter said...

Done.

FreeBlackMan said...

I'm the only one who is the slightest bit curious to see what she was gonna do with the jumper cables?

.tisha said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mykeia said...

First and foremost: I love this blog.
I just left a depressing meeting and right now I should be working on a deadline...but I can't because I am here at work dying from laughter. Just dead.

Great post again today!

I have a question: When we cut these people loose, like Bobby Boredom and Larry the Liar and Messy Melanie, we are we made out to be the bad guy, why do we rational thinkers get all the blame a.k.a. called shady and less of a friend?
Sorry for the long question...It's just that I know all of these people and work with the majority of them...

P.S. The work will get done.

FreeBlackMan said...

Mean-mugging Mary either.

CaliGirlED said...

I am literally laughing out loud and laughing my ass off behind this one! She stole YOUR story and then told it to YOU?!! I.just.can't.

Still laughing!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Twins perhaps?

JaymeC said...

No. You. Didn't!
I'm telling it at Bible Study.
Then again, she probably wouldn't even recognize this dead-on description of herself.

J. Jackson said...

I nearly spit out my water behind your comment, Riley! Too funny (=:

J. Jackson said...

Oh trust me I've learned my lesson...

CaliGirlED said...

You called him Melvin, I called him MikeB, John Singleton called him Jody...a mama's boy by any other name is still a mama's boy! LOL

JaymeC said...

Maybe not a gamekiller but a pet peeve of mine - Regina and Roger "I'm too old for this ish" Murtaugh - They are 50 and wearing clothes meant for their teenage grandchildren. They are still in the clubs, trying too hard to hip and don't realize that "Honey Dip" and "Jive" were out of slang season over two decades ago. Maybe they can come to the party (someone has to start the Electric Slide) but let's keep them in the corner by the punch bowl.

Lady4Real said...

or they can find each other. Clingy isn' always bad if someone wants to be clung to. IMHO

Lady4Real said...

identical in fact

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah this is some funny stuff here today, I am rolling too! At work, but not on a deadline. You may want to come back later because I have a feeling BougieLand is going to be off the hook today! LOL

What's sad is that I actually know someone (people) who fit these damn descriptions!

Lady4Real said...

I dodged the baby bullet but I did marry and divorce his @$$. Pants was always on fire cuz he was such a liar

Natasha said...

iCANT. I want to know, but don't want to know why with the Diapers and the Car Charger. What part of the game is this?

CaliGirlED said...

Well damn!!!

William Martin said...

Chile Pepper Tequila *jots that down*

CaliGirlED said...

I HATE YOU!!! I had to put my hand over my mouth so that I wouldn't get FIRED!!!

CaliGirlED said...

*D.E.A.D.* *D.E.A.D. again*

Pure Choco said...

You know who can't come to the party? I have one word for you:
Pookie

Jason P said...

I know Dude. He mixes his Benefiber into Red Bull and keeps his teeth right next to the loaded forty-five on the night stand.

Jason P said...

Dammit! I had just figured out Chele's chocolate syrup and Saran Wrap trick from the other day. My mind is blanking on the sour cream.

CaliGirlED said...

Leslie the Lemon? LOL

Jason P said...

She related to Fat-Booty Fickle Fiona About them Finances?
Been there, done that. Got the credit score to prove it.

CaliGirlED said...

*comes back to Natasha* "Why he gotta be 'Gray' though?" Too damn funny!!!

Man's World said...

Pookie gotta be there so we can hook him up with Peaches

CaliGirlED said...

Dr. C she would "Amen" every word of it and then go seek out AND pray for who you must be talking it about, cause it shole ain't her! LOL

baileyqc said...

DEAD at someone has to start the Electric Slide

CaliGirlED said...

Dead at teenage grandchildren!

baileyqc said...

Soaks his teeth in Pomegranate Vodka instead of Polident <~~My uncle.

Mykeia said...

This girl truly exists! I know another person that had the same thing happen to them! Dang...

Natasha Hunter said...

Um sour cream & diapers? Yeah Riley, she doin' a bit much.

Lady4Real said...

And full of some damn drama and Mama is a hot damn mess herself. As a mother of two sons I been triple dog double damned if they be on my umblical cord or nipple. They are self-sufficent now and they are only 9 & 11 and I'm already packing boxes, sending in college applications and ready to kiss them good bye and happy adulthood after high school graduation and college is not an option in my house it is a requirement. Damn Melvin's MikeB's and Jody's of the world sure do tend to share a common uneducated, drama mama thread.

CaliGirlED said...

Fiona is the twins' mama!

CaliGirlED said...

Damn the sour cream! What about the frickin car charger?!! What fresh hell did Dirty Diana come up from!...I'm sure this is not what Michael had in mind! Or even Prince for that matter, and you know he's all sorts of freaky!

CaliGirlED said...

I quit you and your uncle!!!

CaliGirlED said...

What's say we just let Pookie & Peaches get their Parking Lot Pimpin on, and not let them in!

dasmokingace said...

These comments are the gifts that keeps on giving. I am LOLing at the names.

CaliGirlED said...

Sean the Spineless, Weak Willie (Keep your pathetic, feeble asses at home!)

David Chase said...

We talked about Shaquenetta Stalker yet? You smiled at her one time in the check out line at Target and she told everybody she met the man she was going to marry? No matter where you go there she is. Heaven forbid she has your email, cell number, twitter handle. Go. Sit. Down.

Leopard_Print_Pumps said...

Lawd, I'm a PK and I know at least 5 or 6 Sabrinas. God help them.

Andrea M said...

Yes. She and Restraining Order Roger have the same probationary officer.

Natasha Hunter said...

What about Percy B. Peepin' ?

Yes her butt was gigantic I saw it too, but damn do you have to turn ALL THE WAY AROUND!?! Yes, she had her tatas all on display but did you have to DROOL!?! Umm hmm she looks like Nicki Minaj, but did you have to let the door slam in my face because you were staring so hard?

...and got the the nerve to turn in into "Percy Tryna Palm-it" at the movies... Nah ninja, I'mma need you to keep wearing your yellow belt for awhile.

CaliGirlED said...

Andy/Anne "Anal Retentive" Richards? Yeah let's not invite them lest they pick our party apart behind the missed details. We're just tryin to get our boogie on! Who cares that the all the napkins aren't folded just right?!!

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO!!!

Bethany Showell said...

Ooh I got rid of him two years ago - let's see - he was a nurse w/the Red Cross (a tech), flipped houses in his spare time (rented a room), had one kid (three), and was a dj in the rest of his spare time (he was...at a "club" in an industrial park). Oh and alla that @ 45 years old...

GrownAzzMan said...

Damn, you dated her too? LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

"Dirty Diana, second cuzzo to Darling Nikki - when a chick too freaky for RILEY, she too damn freaky. Riley like a lil kink in his cocoa. But bish show up with chili pepper tequila, sour cream, diapers and a car charger? WTF? "

I am what the name says a Grown Azz Man. I been a little bit of everywhere and done a little bit of everything with a little bit of everyone. I NEED to know what the car charger was for? LOL
**DEAD**

CaliGirlED said...

DEAD three times over! LMAO!!!

Why couldn't he just say, "I'm a tech at the Red Cross, I'm a renter, I have 3 kids and like to go clubbin"? There's a chick, or few, out there who would think that's just fine!

maureen palmer said...

Daayum, Chele u can write. I like how your brain works, u must be a mensa:-) Another gr8 one. Can't wait to read the comments. I got run to this fruffy event in the city.

rozb said...

Phony Phoebe needs to stay away. This subspecies of female cannot ever be worthy of trust. If you must trust her, pick her up with your weak hand and toss her. The distance of where she lands is about how far she can be trusted. She masquerades as your buddy, sidekick, sister-friend, or an incarnation of trustworthy folks you have in your life. When your back is turned, or you blink when sneezing, she will do everything in her power to hump your man, drink all your grape drink leaving backwash, wear your favorite outfit, or get credit in your name. Male counterpart - Viper Vince (like how I put that shady-A Vince up in there?)

rozb said...

Make sure you don't have any pet rabbits.

rozb said...

You can recognize them by the creases down the front of the jeans and the faint odor of liniment.

Yeah - they have to come - Regina always has peppermints in her purse.

rozb said...

Sabrina has that crumbled pile of commandment tablets next to her "special drawer".

rozb said...

This guy has perpetually ashy elbows and is still wearing a wave cap on those 19 hairs on his head.

rozb said...

Benefiber and Red Bull?!?!? *DEAD*

rozb said...

Probably attached to some sort of clamps. Not that I would know. I'm just sayin'...

rozb said...

Nick No Balls. I may have to quit you with this. There is a guy named Nick at my job - I will have that imagery in my head...

rozb said...

Is he also known as Rico Suave?

GrownAzzMan said...

LOL @ "forty-five on the night stand"

aishao1122 said...

damn i missed one day and ya'll went off the rails. love the comment section, Chele you have an amazing blog:

Nicole the Never "she has never done anything wrong in her life, she would never say those words, she would never let her man talk to her like that, she would never live in that neighborhood.'(never mind that she's throwing shade on your life and she isn't anywhere near your level)
(twin to) Ned the Negative "nothing you do will ever be right because that's not how he did it, so your way couldn't possibly work"
Kenny the Know it all " if your talking they have to cut in because they know exactly what your talking about and they always have a 'friend' it happened to so they are qualified to share on that."
Fred the Freak, who makes you believe he got more game than he really does, then when it comes to cocoa stirring time, he's curled up in a ball in the corner of the room crying for his mama?? <--- he's also really gay but wanted to experiment before he really 'knew'
Saving it for marriage Stacy/Steve?? "I'm waiting until marriage or until this fifth tequila shot kicks in then I'm down to go down, or try it with a girl/guy, give me another shot and ill even try that (whatever freaky suggestion you got)" i believe they are related to Ms. Sinsalot
Tarzan the Terrible pretends to have good cocoa game, seems to know what he is doing then cocoa time bores you to tears???? your doing trigonometry just to bide the time, shopping list and running through tomorrow's schedule??
Alice the "adventurer" never met a game, a trick, a drug, a drink, a man/woman, or drama she couldn't fall into or just HAD to try @35
Billy/Billie the bail money 'every where you go with Billie/billy you have to have a good friend who can come bail you out, because someone looked at them wrong, spilled drink on their shoes in a crowded club, or leaned on their car"

Sign they can't come to the party

Natasha Hunter said...

My word! That is just so outta pocket, SMH

The_A said...

no way! what did she say?

CorettaJG said...

Oh my...

CorettaJG said...

What?! Funny. And unexpected.

SingLikeSassy said...

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!

J B said...

I might look but I'll never touch.

J B said...

Suzette's cousin Nellie Negative. Sucks the life RIGHT out of you. You point out the sun, she says it's too hot. You mention a nice trip, she complains about the expense.

Don't ever go on a cruise with this one. You'll wanna throw her overboard. I did. Want to, that is. Complained about how tasteless the food was WHILE ORDERING SECONDS.

J. Jackson said...

Dead at, "Regina always has peppermints in her purse"

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