Kicking off After the Broom week is JaymeC. Jayme is our resident family psychologist and moral conscience. In addition to having more degrees that I can keep up with and being an all around good friend, Dr. Jayme is speeding towards her 20th year of marriage (a good one at that). So with that in mind: Respect, learn, share.
One of the things I find alternately fascinating and frustrating about society today is that there is so much emphasis placed on finding The One, catching The One, and having a perfect wedding with The One. I hate to say this (but I must) - as hard and trying as it is to find The One - multiply it twentyfold and it's that much harder to be married to The One.
Things that are sexy while dating can wear thin when you are also arguing about why the trash hasn't been taken out and whose turn it was to pick up the orange juice.
The truth about marriage? It's hard work if you're doing it right. Marriage is a fluid, living thing. It must be feed, nurtured, allowed to breathe and change. It ebbs and flows and sometimes neither party in the marriage has a clue of where you are along the journey.
I have a system with Mr. C. When something feels a little "off" between us, I ask "Hot or cold today?" He answers honestly. If he's not feeling me, it's chilly. If everything's fine, it's room temperature. If we're all good, it's tropical. If we're room temperature or below, we schedule a time to get out of the house (away from the kids, the TV, the internet) and have a talk about it. Too many lukewarm days are (as Chele says) "no bueno." He does the same with me. Neither of us are mind readers. Pursed lips over coffee and cereal could be about the kids, the news, the weather or... our marriage. The only way to figure out is to ask.
The truth about marriage? It's not fidelity or finance you have to worry about... it's complacency. The minute you completely relax and start taking your spouse for granted, that's when someone spends money that's not in the budget, someone looks twice at that hot person in the gym, someone gains fifty pounds, someone stops communicating with you. It's the slippery slope from "we're okay" to "I have no idea who I married" that you have to be on the look out for.
You have to be willing to let your spouse become someone other than exactly who you married. As long as they morph into someone you still like and who still likes you, embrace it.
The truth about marriage? If there's not mutual respect, chemistry and an agreed communication style to begin with, you're never going to make it. It's kinda cute when you're dating to settle every argument by swirling the cocoa. But three kids, two cars and a mortgage payment later - that's not always the ideal solution. I ask people in pre-marriage counseling to set up a standard of how they will 1) Manage Money 2) Make Decisions 3) Swirl Cocoa 4) Communicate 5) Split Household Chores. If you can agree on those five things, you are way ahead of the game.
The truth about marriage - It's totally worth it. I wish healthy, happy marriages on everyone at least once in their lifetime. That feeling of having someone on your side through thick and thin is amazing. The ability to look across the table and know exactly what the other person is thinking ("it's time to go, why did we come to this party?) is immeasurable. There's nothing to compare it to. Just trust me on this.
When I do marriage counseling, I ask couples if they have the following feelings about their spouse 1) They won't hurt me intentionally 2) They love me unconditionally 3) They have my best intentions at heart 4) We're in this together. If one of those is missing, I know I have a lot more work ahead of me. But when those things are there? It's worth it.
Okay Bougienistas, Jayme has spoken. For the single folks - what struck you the most about Jayme's revelations? Any surprises? Anything really resonate? Married folks - agree or disagree? Any truths to add? Do share. The floor is yours...
86 comments:
"The minute you completely relax and start taking your spouse for granted, that's when someone spends money that's not in the budget, someone looks twice at that hot person in the gym, someone gains fifty pounds, someone stops communicating with you."
And these would be things one spouse does to get the other's attention, correct?
Good post. Everything seemed pretty much straight forward. I just have to make sure I keep those steps in mond when I get married.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
*Prints, laminates, tacks to refrigerator.*
I'm getting married next week. I need all the tips I can get.
"You have to be willing to let your spouse become someone other than exactly who you married. As long as they morph into someone you still like and who still likes you, embrace it."...That's good!!!
Jayme, a question though - "It's not fidelity or finance you have to worry about... it's complacency." Does this mean I'm responsible for my ex-husband's wandering eye (and other body parts)?
Most definitely a "cry for help"
Blessings to you!
Absolutely not. Infidelity is complex. It can be a symptom of a larger problem, it can be triggered by any number of things. Maybe your spouse was complacent and thought he could get away with it, maybe he was selfish and wanted both cake and pie - who knows. Then again, I have seen marriages where the wife did everything but point an arrow over the back door saying, "Get out there and do someone else!" So like I said, complex.
Jayme - I'm dating a guy who does not communicate (with his clothes on). He's not a talker. He says his actions speak for him. It drives me crazy. He's talking marriage. But if I'm this frustrated with his communication style now, isn't it just going to get worse?
I'm going to use that cold, warm, hot thing with my current SO.
I don't mind a person changing after marriage but my ex became an entirely different person. Her looks, her value system, everything. I felt like I had been completely duped. She was someone I wouldn't have dated let alone married.
Are you having a Valentine's Day wedding? That's cheating you know ;-)
Exactly. I'm not even playing with the anniversary. Two-for-one!
We have ways of making naked men talk. Email me for details. JaymeC09@yahoo.com
It's simplistic but amazingly effective.
The non-technical term for this is "the okey-doke" - she turned herself into who you wanted to get the ring. Once she got it, she went back to being her normal self. That's a borderline sociopathic characteristic. Just be glad you got out. And next time, add an additional six months to the dating period, double and triple check her friends and family. And listen to your gut.
Congratulations! My mom and dad and my aunt and uncle had Valentine's Day weddings (for the same reason as you, I suspect :-P).
I feel like I should shut it down here at the office and bring a stool here at BnB and just soaking all in.
Chele, if I never said it before, I'm glad I found BnB. I LOVE it.
Ummm... that sounds like something you should share with the group.
Did you just tell him he was "okey-doked"?! SMH
Booo! Not on your nuptials, as that is a great blessing that I hope continues for years and years, but on the cop-out for the anniversary.
I want my day to be my day, and to not have family and friends giving me the side-eye because I boguarded their day for my wedding. Valentine's Day, national holidays, and my birthday are all off limits for my future wedding date.
Thank you for emphasizing that marriage is hard work. I once said that to an ex, in passing. Even though his parents have been happily married for over 30 years, he disagreed with me, because according to him it wasn't hard work for his parents. A subsequent conversation with his parents quickly changed his tune! Too many people , even those exposed to strong relationships, have unrealistic expectations about what marriage is like and then are quick to bail when the going gets tough. I love the hot/cold system for monitoring the health of your relationship.
Okay?! I feel like I should archive half off this blog for future reference.
Real talk - this is one reason I haven't made this step. Marriage is nothing to play with. I won't do it until I'm in it to win it.
I have so much I want to say but I don't have time to articulate it so I'll go with: Amen! Amen! and Amen! I'm not married yet but this entire post reflects my view on marriage so thanks for the validation :)
Much too scared of that! :)
I have been married twice on my second marriage and it is on the rocks badly the sad part of it all I am filling out divorce papers because there is no fixing it by myself and I sometimes feel that God stop listening to prayers I know the saying what he puts together no man can tear it apart but The Almighty didn't say a woman couldn't through another man. I do wish we would've made it work cause I do love her even if I am not in love with her, sometimes ppl grown ignorant and not apart but use that excuse to justify there actions.
Jayme, thanks for confirming what I already suspected about a healthy marriage. I find dating challenging because I have encountered a lot of men who just aren't interested in honest and consistent communication. This post confirms that I am not crazy and gives me hope!
Congratulations Mr. Skyywalker!!! Many happy years to you and the future Mrs. Skyywalker!
I am sorry this has been your experience and not to assume I know what's gone on in your marriages but are you sure looking back that God picked these women for you and you for them? Sometimes it's hard to hear God's voice through everyone else's. Stay in prayer and be blessed!
That's what I'm sayin!
Me too!
That is very evolved of you. If you know you aren't ready, it's better to wait.
Mony I agree whole heartedly! You're merging two different people together to live "as one". I don't care how much you love each other and how much you have in common, there will be trying times where cruise control will have you flyin off the side of a cliff!
My heart goes out to you!
Rob & I reached out to Jayme because we couldn't communicate worth a darn. I'm a talker, he's a nodder. I couldn't interpret the nods. And it was giving him pain to have to sit and talk everything out. Jayme taught us a relationship shorthand where I don't talk him to death and he can say what he thinks in a few words or less. Long story short - I love Jayme ;-)
Complacency can be like quicksand! It's much better to try not to fall into that trap. It's not totally hopeless, but the couple must reach out for help, as if they were in quicksand needing someone on firm ground to pull them out....As stupid (and funny) as the Little Fockers was, they reiterated the message of the importance of date night and/or role playing to keep up the sizzle in a marriage.
Jayme - what are your thoughts on long-term relationships without marriage?
Charlie,
This also happened to my husband in his first marriage...hence him being married to ME now. It totally happens. I hope you haven't given up on marriage.
Jayme, thanks for those 5standards and 4 feelings that we need to keep in check. I'm gonna write that down!
Congratulations!!!!! Wooo hooo!
Even though I'm a huge advocate of marriage, it's not for everybody. I'd far rather see a couple happily committed to each for a long period of time without the certificate than see a miserable married couple staying together just because of the vows.
I love you back. Tell Rob "we" are waiting on the ring. *taps foot*
I'm always amazed when couples don't have those four cornerstones. Marriage has to be built on solid foundation.
Same here.
Well damn. No pressure though, right?
*fist bump*
*mutters under breath* Where was this post when I needed it five years ago?!
Just printed this out and took it over to my girlfriend who is separated from her husband. She said she only believes 2 of the four feelings and they only agree on upon 2 of the five standards. Do you have to have everyone of these things aligned for a marriage to work?
Well, what I should have put somewhere in this is that even if you have the standards and feelings - none of this works if both parties aren't committed to making the relationship work. It's the commitment (and love) that will hold you together when some of the other stuff fails.
So I wouldn't necessary get hung up on the checklist. Make sure that love and commitment are rock solid though.
As a recent divorcee, I can testify loud and clear that Dr. Jayme is absolutely, 1001% right that "complacency" is a sure fire marriage killer.
At first the lack of communication and growing infrequency of intimacy just seemed like a normal thing after 12 years together. But by the time my husband and I got ourselves into counseling a few months before our 14th wedding anniversary, our marriage was sadly damaged beyond repair. And what would have been our 15th wedding anniversary in January, was marked by our divorce becoming finalized.
But despite the pain and heartbreak of our marriage ending, my ex-husband and I are in a much happier place with ourselves and with each other.
There is no sense crying over spilled milk, as everything happens for a reason, but Dr. Jayme's list has definitely has been printed and filed away. Because you never know what the future may hold. :-)
Great post :)
Even though I'm not married, I always believed that marriage is hard work. What struck me the most is when Jayme said, "You have to be willing to let your spouse become someone other than exactly who you married. As long as they morph into someone you still like and who still likes you, embrace it. "---Amen. Also, marriage counseling is very important; I never realize how much until now. I truly enjoyed reading this post. :)
Some people have no clue that this is even necessary. But for those who are like me, we know it but don't know how to put it into simplistic terms so that we don't sound like we're quoting from a book when trying to make sure our SO's are on the same page with us. LOL
I'm in agreement with this entire post 100 thousand trillion percent. I'm not married, but in a serious relationship and we are talking about marriage. I've been down this road once before, and so I know from experience that if you don't have 5 feelings and 4 standards, you guys won't stay together. Those things are necessary to having a successful marriage. Heck, they are necessary to getting to that point. What I had to learn was that marriage doesn't really happen on the day of the wedding - it happens long before and it's a committment you build towards in the time leading up to the ceremony. We wouldn't let a contractor build a house from the ground up without having approved the concept, the design, the budget and schedule, the site plan, the location, materials, gotten the appropriate permits, etc. A marriage is just as serious and requires just as much work.
I'm not married, either, but have been in a serious relationship for over 5 years. Two things: (1) I loved the article, and I totally agree. And I really HATE shows (movies, books, etc.) that emphasize the wedding ceremony. That's all well and good, but what are you two planning to do after the reception is over("the honeymoon" and "have babies" are the wrong answers)? (2) I am totally in love with my man, and am engaged, yet there are things that have happened in the past three years that have made me stop and decide that he's not The One for me, although in many, many ways, he is extremely ideal (first problem: we've been engaged too long). And so, we must part. If we can't get it together BEFORE the wedding, we're not ever going to get it together. At my age, I have watched many a marriage start with high hopes, then crash and burn. I have also watched long term marriages and wondered (good grief, WHY/HOW are they still together??). You have to do the work. It's not all fun and games. You HAVE to do the work.
Great article!
I'm coming up on my 4th anniversary, and thought it might be a good idea to go to a marriage counselor, just to check in before any problems come up. Any recommendations on where to find a non-religious counselor?
Thanks!
Amen! Next time might be the right time.
Great analogy
Sounds like you have a little soul searching to do. Have you done counseling at all?
Try GoodTherapy.org - they have a variety of counselors to choose from. Also you may want to try a couple of "satisfaction" tests just to see where you are: http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/marriagesat.html and http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/quizzes/marriage.html
Let me know how it goes.
Oh, how I hate coming to the posts late...
Great post today, I loved each point.
Marriage is not about being happy with your mate everyday, it is so much more as Dr. Jayme has pointed out.
Marriage is a beautiful thing when you do have someone in your corner.
Great topic for the week.
I need that info too!
Great post by Dr. Jayme. No surprise there. What struck me was her list:
1) They won't hurt me intentionally
2) They love me unconditionally
3) They have my best intentions at heart
4) We're in this together.
When I think about substance and must-have's in a relationship, that is what I'm talmbout!
"the okey-doke"
I love when she talks technical...LOL
Better then 'hoodwinked'...LOL
*fist bump*
Seeing as I'm 6 months divorced, meh....
Wow this was a great post. I'm nowhere near marriage, I'm not even sure I want to get married, but I never turn down good advice. Thanks for sharing.
My husband and I have been married for 11.5 years. We have learned so much about ourselves and one another during our journey. We were married in our mid 20s and we have been blessed to grow and evolve together. Our relationship is a testament to each and every point you've made in this post. Over the years we have learned all of these things from experience. I truly hope that someone who is about to jump the broom reads this and takes heed to your wise words. Good job, Doc.
How do I save this? Not even in the dating game, but it never hurts to learn in advance!
As for what resonated with me: the whole shebang! Growing up, I never witnessed anything that bore a passing resemblance to a healthy marriage. I wouldn't have known what to expect or look for otherwise.
I love that list. So simple to say but so hard to find.
We have something for you later in the week ;-)
Well what resonated with this Mature poster, was the list of feelings. I'm one to over think things. In fact my co-worker put a note on my computer that says Over+Thinking=Gamma (well she called me by my real name but you get the gist). Those four feelings pretty much sum it up ... I'll be posting that on my vision board.
OMG may I email you too! I have an SO who gives me one word answers all the time!!
Thank you JaymeC
I'm not married, for some of these reasons. It isn't just about the other person, its about me being able to offer these things as well.
Great post! I'm not always aligned with the good doctor, but this is pretty much inarguable.
Bamboozled?
Hit me up!
I got married on my mother-in-laws birthday, she was totally happy she said it was the greatest gift we could have ever given her. My hubby and I started dating on Valentine's Day of '97, it wasn't planned, I asked him to be my Valentine and before the day was over he asked me to be his Valentine forever. I couldn't resist. ;)
1) Manage Money 2) Make Decisions 3) Swirl Cocoa 4) Communicate 5) Split Household Chores.
) They won't hurt me intentionally 2) They love me unconditionally 3) They have my best intentions at heart 4) We're in this together.
With all of this I feel like I got it right this time. We have mature conversations about the real things, we get help when we can't agree and we know that at the end of the day we have each others backs, I guess because we always have, from childhood to adulthood we have just had each others backs, first as friends, then as girlfriend boyfriend, then as lovers, then as parents and now as husband and wife. At the end of the day he tends to know me better than I know myself sometimes and I him, and its great, it helps. Thanks Dr. Jayme for this post, you are so awesome!!
I totslly agree with Dr. Jayme I think she was dead on with a lot of those things. I have been with my husband for 15 years married for 4 years and I think we have been through everything on the list. People ask us the secret to our relationship and sometimes I don't know how to answer there is no secret. I think that you have to truly love and want to be with a person to make it work. Ups and downs are a part of life you're going to have them single or married but when you're married it's all about being able to deal with them together. It doesn't hurt to have a good man too.
Lead astray?
as a currently single gal, with hopes for marraige in my future, it's really refreshing to hear this sort of advice, especially from a professional. I feel like folks shoudl print this, and put it up in their homes, married, single or otherwise. I know that marriage is work, but so often I feel like i hear that from others from a place of negativity, it becomes wearing on the spirit. But this post right here, was objective and informative, and useful (for my future). Thanks Dr. Jayme!
Couldn't agree more.
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