From @Average Bro - Three Things I don't miss about being single..
This September will officially mark my tenth year "Out Of The Game". If you read this blog with any regularity, you can probably guess what said "Game" is. That's right, folks, I've been happily married for nearly a decade now, which means I've defied most of the grim statistics (and boy, are they ever grim!) about black marriages.
I'd be the lassssst guy to tell you marriage is easy. It isn't. It requires a whole lot of compromise, a whole lot of changing, and a whole lot of "shutting up when you really feel like going off". Whereas lots of so-called experts consider marriage the cure to all that ails Black America, I don't necessarily agree. Some people (especially brothers) have absolutely no reason whatsoever for getting married, not now, not ever. A functional marriage means being in a perpetual state of growth. It goes without saying that we all know a bunch of 35 year old teenagers. Again, this ain't for everybody.
All that said, marriage isn't all bad. I wouldn't even dream of trading places with my single friends. And on that note, here's a few things I definitely don't miss about being single:
The Game - Let's face it, even if you're a guy who does relatively well on the dating scene, the whole dating/courtship game is still pretty annoying. You meet someone and wonder if they're really into you or just using you as a rebound from a prior relationship. Dating isn't cheap, and often is a waste of time. The posturing of showing someone your best side, just long enough to get what you want gets old. The bar/club/lounge scene, even in a city like DC where I live, gets monotonous and tired. There's a lot of posturing and BS involved. Frankly, it's a lot easier (in some ways) having just one woman to please.
The Loneliness - I'm sure a lot of guys are gonna be too gully to admit this, but yes, single guys sometimes get lonely too. You can have a great social life, but still find those rainy Thursday nights when the only thing on TV is a sh*tty Nuggets/Pacers game, and you'd much rather have some company. There's the annoyance of having to figure out who to take to your family reunion, cousin's graduation, etc. And yes, sometimes, at the end of a long day, you just want someone to vent to. When you're single, that someone isn't always there.
The Pointlessness - Around the time I turned 25, I looked up and realized that as much fun as I was having, I was basically treading water in life. Sure, I dated a lot, hung out all the time, and basically lived it up, but there was always the nagging feeling that weeks of my life were going by with little to show for it. Strange as it might sound, being married has given me purpose and focus in all my extramartial endeavors, career-wise, financially, even as a blogger. Yeah, I know that sounded silly. But then I look back and realize how many weekends I totally pissed away chasing chicks who really didn't deserve to be caught. By comparison, my focus in life is razor sharp now. I feel like I can literally accomplish anything, and the stability and focus of having a family to raise, love, and provide for gives me all the motivation I need.
From @BBWaite - Three things I miss about being single:
Mr. Waite and I have been married for over 20 years. I'll start counting again after the 25th anniversary. I love my husband, after all these years - I really do. I love my kids. I especially love the fact that all three children will be out of the house in about two more years (637 days, 2 months, 4 days, 12 hours... who's counting). I love my life. We're happy, financially secure, I'm secure in my faith and in my career, I'm fulfilled as a woman and a person. But...
I have to admit every now and then to looking at OneChele (and other singles) and feeling just a twinge or two of envy. There are a few things I miss about being single-
1) Picking up and going - She doesn't do it as much now but I was around for the days when Chele would get a phone call on Wednesday, throw her laptop and a couple outfits in a bag on Thursday and be off to all areas of the planet. As I planned bake sales, arranged carpools and juggled dentist's appointments, I watched her jet off to Hawaii and Spain and Italy. And I had to admit a part of me wanted to be there.
2) Single-minded decision making - I suppose I could go buy a new car and redecorate the upstairs without consulting my husband or worrying about saving for the kids' college funds but that wouldn't make me a very good steward, now would it? When you are single, you can decide to move to the West Coast and buy all organic products for two years. When you're married, you have to take others into consideration.
3) New Dudes - (not Dude Formerly Known as New, he was a huge disappointment) Mr. Waite gave me a serious side-eye when I typed this portion but after 20+ years both he and I know that while our passion, mutual respect and compatibility remain firmly in tact - there's very little novelty left. We have to really work to surprise each other. There are no more first kisses (God willing) for either of us. That "new-new" excitement is long gone.
Now I already know (and Chele told me quite passionately) that I wouldn't trade what I have for any of the little things that I miss. I almost lamented about the inability to keep a pint of chocolate ice cream or leftover chinese food in the house. I almost went in on the ridiculous amounts of laundry and disappearing socks. But I kept it generic and light-hearted. Honestly, if I could jet off to Hawaii tomorrow, I'd want my husband with me. If I made all the decisions, I'd overthink them to death. And my husband still knows how to take my breath way, new-new or not...
BnB - What do you think? Show AverageBro and BB a little love for sharing their thoughts and experiences. Can you (married and single) relate to what they're saying? Did anyone notice the shot BB took at me (moving to the West Coast and buying organic)? How did you enjoy After the Broom week?
69 comments:
So funny that you posted this. I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3 years. We had a huge, heated
Great way to wrap up the week. I love how AverageBro has been married for 10 years and is male but kind of mentioned the same things that Tiffany did yesterday.
BB girl, I keep telling you put a small fridge in the master suite and hide the Ben & Jerry's there!
BB cracked me up! and @AB kept it real.
Ouch! That Average Bro line "the pointlessness" stung a little but I dig where he's coming from.
BB is too cute.
Question for AverageBro - did you decide to settle down first and then found the woman or did you find the woman first and then decide to settle down?
>>a whole lot of "shutting up when you really feel like going off" and
the inability to keep a pint of chocolate ice cream or leftover chinese food in the house.
COSIGNING!
"Question for AverageBro - did you decide to settle down first and then found the woman or did you find the woman first and then decide to settle down?"....Good question! Inquiring minds want to know.
BB-Looking back over your 20+ years, what was the toughest time? And you had to do it all over again, would you?
Wow AverageBro, way to keep it real! I loved your honesty and insight...."But then I look back and realize how many weekends I totally pissed away chasing chicks who really didn't deserve to be caught." This right here needs to be displayed everywhere for those men who are chasing many women, but claim to be trying to find the right one.
BB gotta love a woman who can admit to being envious of her girl who jumps up and go at the drop of a hat, instantly relocate, change eating habits on a whim, and still say, "I wouldn't trade what I have for any of the little things that I miss."...I especially love when you said, "Honestly, if I could jet off to Hawaii tomorrow, I'd want my husband with me."
Great posts! Chele, you really out did yourself this week and you barely said a word. Must be nice knowing that you can speak your mind and have people wanting to hear you, and not be worried about letting others share the mic to speak on things that they are more experienced in. That's self confidence right there! I LOVE BOUGIELAND!!!
You managed to get a lot of different perspectives into marriage week Chele. I think what I take away from the week is that isn't a fairy tale. It's work. Hard work. And should be respected. So I guess when they say you should enter into it with "reverence" that's what they mean.
I'm sending every single guy I know here to read AverageBro's comments. Actually the whole week. I think this week has given a realistic perspective on what marriage is for both sides, the good and the bad.
I don't know where the misconception comes from that marriage is easy or it will fix all your problems. On the last post I commented that my parents have been married for almost 30 years and growing up I knew that marriage wasn't an easy thing to do..... but our house was always filled with love.. and when they say love can conquer all I am a true believer of that saying. I think many times your perception of relationships and marriage comes from your own upbringing. I saw marriages that worked and failed. And I know that my perception of marriage will def come from my own parents and how they worked together and continue to work together to love, provide and support (financially and emotionally) for their family.
I decided to "settle down" first. I know this probably sounds extreme, but I actually stopped dating altogether, got my butt back in church, and about a year later, AverageSis magically appeared.
For me, I personally just got tired of being so.... "typical". I knew I could do better, and that if I didn't switch some things up, I'd be the "old guy in the club" at some point because without a change in perspective I was basically just treading water.
This just reinforces for me that it's ALL about who you enter into marriage with. I definitely hope to be with someone who I'm still excited about in 10, 15, 20 years.
Thanks for sharing BB Waite and AverageBro. It is good to hear people share stories like these.
I'm not going to say much more. This week has kind of elicited some sour grape feelings that I thought I'd gotten rid of. Don't want to disturb the bouge.
Well JustAThought, that's really why we are here. What do you mean by sour grapes??
If it helps you any, I had sour grapes too, especially in my mid to late twenties when A LOT of my friends were getting married. I kept asking God what was I doing that they weren't. I felt like I had done the right things, stayed out of trouble, went to college, gotten a good job and so why couldn't I be married too?? But you know, some of those marriages didn't last and weren't worth the paper the license was printed on. And truth be told, I wasn't READY to be married though I thought I was. The path for everyone is different and it isn't always straight and narrow, it often has lots of twists and turns. What is for you, is for YOU..that I do believe.
Thanks Chele, this week on BnB has been very fulfilling, ecstatic and very informative. Thanks AverageBro & BB, great stuff.
"being married has given me purpose and focus in all my extramartial endeavors, career-wise, financially, even as a blogger." A guy I grew up with expressed the same sentiment a couple years back. He talked about how his focus went to a whole new level after marriage. Note, he said "make sure you marry the right one.
BB, "Now I already know (and Chele told me quite passionately) that I wouldn't trade what I have for any of the little things that I miss." You know they say grass is never green on the other side. Thank you again for a great post.
This has been a fabulous week of posts. I loved every single one of them. Let me add the one thing I miss about being married: having someone to put lotion on my back after I get out of the shower; and the one thing I love about being single: not having to check with someone before making a purchase. I guess I'm saying that no situation is perfect and we get out of it what we put into it.
@ tiffanyinhouston:
Thanks for the support. I had/have a lot of the feelings you describe, plus some inner turmoil because I still wrestle with wondering if marriage is really of that much benefit to women. And why, if I think it's a bum deal, that I want it so much. Thankfully, I'm able to at least recognize that I am NOT quite ready to be anyone's wife, and that I cannot enter to an institution that I'm not 100% certain of. As for being around my married friends, it helps that most have ceased the self-righteous preaching and useles-advice giving so they don't aggravate me. I'm still working on accepting that things happen how they are supposed to, or that what is for me IS for me. I'm not the "take my hands off it" kind of girl, so I'm still in progress on that one.
Enjoyed Marriage Week very much. Thank you, Chele!
Like a lot of the other commentors, I also loved hearing from AverageBro's perspective. There is just something intriguing to me about hearing from the man's point of view. Thanks for sharing, sir!
Love to BB as well. I can co-sign on what she said and also agree that I wouldn't trade any of those things for the crazy busy family life that I have now.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Really enjoyed this ENTIRE week! BougieLand commenters are the best and I'm not just saying that cause ya'll were nice to me on my guest post. :)
I love hearing stories like this. thank you so much for sharing. LOL @ "AverageSis"!
You were great, Tiffany!
Still tapping my size 7 over the ice cream ;-)
I have one bracelet that Mr. Waite gave me that I'm sure he only bought because it requires assistance to put on and take off. He's determined to make himself indispensable. :)
True - More than likely, the grass that looks so green is 80% weeds.
No disturbance at all. You are definitely entitled to your feelings.
Amen, Choco.
Most definitely!
Thanks Cali!
Hmmm...interesting. I think our guys studied the same book of Husband Law. I have a pair of boots that I can not personally remove. o_O
@AverageBro: It is a breath of fresh air to hear a man talk about the good things he has gained from being married. We get inundated with media images of the henpecked husband who just happens to marry a woman smarter than him, and more attractive than him, with the wisdom of the gods. But the reality is far better.
@BB Waite: I lived the single life all throughout my naval career, and I did enjoy it. However, now that I am about to me "hemmed up" (and I mean it affectionately) I look forward to sharing decisions, space, and life with that one man who just makes my toes curl every time he kisses me - even when I look rode hard and put up wet while fighting bronchitis.
Marriage Week was an enlightening week of posts that opened up my eyes to new insights. Thanks, OneChele and all the guest posters - you were all awesome!
When the kids were small, it was tough. You are sleep deprived, you feel like you (and your house) are never clean, there are unexpected bills, the "cocoa" is a distant fond memory and you dream of hanging 24-hours of alone time. But it passed, quicker than I though. And suddenly I was on the other side with partially grown, intelligent children, the same man who put up with me when I flung cake batter at him knowing he was on his way to an important meeting at work. (long story) If I had to do it all over again? If it meant I would end up where I am now? Yes, I definitely would.
Ssshhh Jayme, Ssshh!
I had to give up a whole *gasp* closet - but the trade-off is so much better!
Believe me, when I decided to do this week and read the posts coming in, I had a twinge of "Ah, I wish that was me" going on. (With the exception of FBM) But the married and committed listen to the rest of us and our single travails so much, I had to let them speak their truth. And who knows, maybe some of this will come in handy for you down the line.
Lurk over at AB's spot, never really heard him talk about AverageSis. Nice to see the homey dropping domestic knowledge. G's get lonely too.
Kudos to today's bloggers!!!! Very good analogies and the three things AverageBro said is what I miss about being divorced. The three things BBWaite said I never experienced as I got married very early and kids started coming just as early, so I was never fancy and free! Being single (divorced) becomes harder and harder as you get older...take this from mid life me! You began to cherish what you once had and realize sometimes you could have done this better or worked at it a little more, but young and dumb doesn't really get you too far except possibly alone in your mid life.
Even my male friends that are still single (divorced or not), are now wishing they were in long term committed marriages. This is especially true once the kids are grown and gone, you miss going on vacations with someone extra special. As a female it is rarely safe to just get up and go alone anymore. I definitely miss the protection from a male as I lay in my bed at night and sometimes hear noises outside. Calling Ghostbusters just doesn't cut it! (Yes I aged myself w/that one!).
Man I wish I had bet someone some money! I knew you would say you decided to settle down first. Love the extra "got my butt back in church". I think that makes so much difference in how a relationship will work and last, rather than two people meeting and then deciding to "settle down". Too much change involved while trying to get to know each other.
I so loved this weeks blog!! Great job to Chele and all of the guest posters, you all did a wonderful job. This week taught me so much, inspired me and helped me fall even more in love with the hubby. I love Bougieland!!!
BB!!! You did not fling cake batter on that man when he was getting ready to go to an important meeting at work! LMAO!!!...I love the "love stories", but the war stories (and survival of them) are the best because it lets us know that everything is not always a walk in the park.
*Lifts glass in the toast position* Until I feel like the fine folks who shared with us today, I'm not going to play with it. And thanks to everyone for not making us singles feel too "loserish" < I've been around Chele, started making up words.
Well, reality is my wife IS more attractive AND smarter than me, WITH the wisdom of the Gods. I have no problem admitting that.
I don't know where the misconception comes from either, but it is definitely reinforced by all the detail, attention and effort that goes into weddings vs. premarital counseling/communication. I want to plan for my marriage, as for the wedding, "it is what it is". They might eat steak, they might eat sandwiches. What's important is that me and the future Mr. merge our lives with love, open eyes and armor for battle (he may need a shield for when that batter comes flying! Still LMAO at BB!!!)
Two reasons (may not be the only two) why you have a negative attitude toward something you really want (to be married), and the reasons why you haven't yet received it. 1) "As for being around my married friends, it helps that most have ceased the self-righteous preaching and useless-advice giving so they don't aggravate me....You became a "rebel" against marriage (even though you wanted it) cause your friends were looking down on you as if you were wrong for not being married....2) I still wrestle with wondering if marriage is really of that much benefit to women. And why, if I think it's a bum deal, that I want it so much....Again, rebellion is there because why would you want to put yourself into a "bum deal".
It's good that your friends have changed their tune, but I think you haven't let go of that hurt/shame yet. And when you realize marriage can be a "great deal" if everything is in the right perspective, you will be ready to receive it. IMHO
This. Right. Here. My grandfather told me "If you get married, marry UP. Someone wiser, prettier and all around better than you" - I'm doing that on Sunday. This week has made me less nervous.
Well when the grass is greener on the other side, you better look at their water bill before you decide that you want to step on over. Nothing good is free, there's always some sort of cost involved (may not be monetary either)!
So true! Singles do tend to run these blogstreetz!
And maybe this will all come in handy one day. We'll see.
Soooo excited for you!
LOL @ calling Ghostbusters!!!
That's right - this is the wedding weekend. Enjoy!
There was a class I took (way back) at college on Gender Roles where they discussed the "Cinderella Syndrome" - it's the effect that pop culture has on our thinking. TV/Movies show marriage as either a fairy tale or a nightmare without a lot in between. And especially now with so much emphasis on the wedding (as opposed to what comes after) I think some people have gotten skewed ideals. My parents were together 45 years before my father passed away and goodness knows it was not always a fairy tale. But not everyone has a "real life" example to draw from. Anyway, long story short - I think that's where some of it comes from.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! ** Side note: REMEMBER TO EAT THE FOOD AT THE RECEPTION, you took the time to pick it out...at our wedding my husband claims to not have had any food, well I did and it was worth it...
Excellent posts all week!
Average Bro...great reflection.
BB...so many things that I agree with you on...I love my husband with all of my heart and would not trade him for the world. He makes me a better person.
I married very early, lived with my mom my whole life, got married on Friday and moved in with my husband that night. I have only been single when he lives out of the country...there is NO GREATER FEELING than coming home and your favorite dish/ice cream/fruit/chips/apple juice/ etc. are still there...but still I love coming home to his arms as he still takes my breath away...
Agreed!
I totally understand your thoughts on whether marriage is much benefit to women. I was VERY single for a LONG time. When I say very single, I mean I had one relationship that lasted longer than 3 months and that ended in 1997... As I got older I realized I didn't want to have kids, so I didn't need to get married for that and I was pretty much living a great life. So I was like some of the brothers in that, other than being able to have a lifetime of guilt-free cocoa (shout out to Tiffany), I didn't see any use for marriage. I've always believed in marriage, just not sure if it was right for me.
Then 3 months before my 39th birthday, I met him. We're 9 months in and I'm still not sure if I'm ready to be a wife, LOL. But I also realized that I didn't want to live my life without this wonderful man. So I hope that when you meet 'him', all your questions will be answered.
Awesome week Chele, I've loved it.
I have to co-sign Tiffany and AverageBro about the things I don't miss. Since I didn't get a chance to comment yesterday, I must say that the guilt-free cocoa is the mostest!
BB's list really hit home with me because, while I never upped and moved across the country, I used to just up and go. Now I watch as my single friends get ready to cruise the Mediterranean without me. The thing is, if I went I would want my husband with me. And don't get me started on not having leftovers or my special treats. But I did get wise and now we have a refrigerator in our room. The stepkids are the main culprits but then there are times when hubby finishes off the bedroom fridge stash too, LOL.
If I ever get engaged again - I'm going in and building the female dream closet and the male dream bathroom - life is just easier.
I'll admit when you announced this wee, my lips were twisted up since the broom kicked me in the ass and beat me about the head and neck. But it's been worth it. Thanks.
Yes, I will agree with you on this...closet space and bathrooms = COMPROMISE.
Similar to you, my parents were married 47 years before the death of my father. While don't know that I would want the exact same marriage they had, they did give me great examples of love, respect, trust and support (not just to themselves, but their children.) That is what I want.
After being overloaded with negativity about the state of black marriage it was good to hear from two people that are in successful marriages. Continued happiness to both couples.
Congratulations to the soon to be Mr. AND Mrs. Skyywalker. May you both have a lifetime of happiness, patience and love. :-)
Being married and visiting this blog sometimes makes me feel like I'm invading the super-cool kids club. All of you hep cats jet setting and dashing to and fro. ;)
I absolutely LOVED this week's BnB, Chele. It has been deeply insightful, more than a few times a uncomfortable reminder of "what could have been." But most of all, confirmation that love is a complex wonderful thing that you just can't take for granted. Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts, experiences and opinions.
"TV/Movies show marriage as either a fairy tale or a nightmare without a lot in between. And especially now with so much emphasis on the wedding (as opposed to what comes after) I think some people have gotten skewed ideals."
Which is why I have grown to loathe romantic comedies (which are rarely ever funny), and this whole Princess fairytale culture that's raising whole generations of girls. Fantasy is all good in small doses, but the industry built around it has given people this skewed idea about a 'perfect' relationship and what one should expect.
Hehehehe ... I totally feel you! However, this was a good week and great to see brothers and sisters who are committed to making their families thrive and who are enjoying the married life.
This was a really great idea to post this right before Valentines Weekend Chele ! I really gained a lot of insight this week from everyone who posted. Although it may be trite, it's true, we should all learn to appreciate the positive things we have in our lives no matter where we are on the journey. Find the peace and happiness in your life today, because soooo many things change in an instant. Marital status can and does change and is sometimes complicated, so we need to learn how to appreciate life period and make the most of where you are and enjoy it, because there will always be someone who just might trade places if they could, whether you are married or single !
Happy Valentine's Day to all the BnB Family !
Great posts! I truly enjoyed After the Broom week. :)
Have a great weekend everyone! :)
Thank you to all who contributed to this week's discussion. I thought the tone of the week was a more than a bit pro marriage, and I say that as some who's been in it 18 years with two children. I would have loved to see an exploration of different kinds of relationships; single by choice and happy, married with children, married without children by choice, etc. But hey, I still enjoyed reading.
The one thing I hope people take away from this, especially if you want children, is that it takes tremendous commitment to make a union stick. I feel strongly that we owe that to the children. That means that we must really make friends with compromise.
Late to the party but enjoyed the week! Hats off to you Chele, for presenting a series that was definitely pro-marriage, which is a message that isn't consistently heard in contemporary society.
The take home message that I have definitely heard from all five posts is a resounding "Choose wisely!"
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