Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My Online Dating Story: The Good, the Bad & The Ugly by @AGrownAzzMan


Today's Online Dating story comes from @AGrownAzzMan. Show him some love...

See what had happened was….

I was minding my own business on twitter when our dear Chele posted in a tweet that she was planning a theme week around online dating. Yours truly jokingly replied that I had been there, done that and there might be stories. A few tweets back and forth and I had been drafted, was forced, volunteered to write a guest post.

First of all let me say that I am out of the game. Been out. I was blessed to meet a wonderful woman online and we have been in a great relationship for some time now. However, I did a fair amount of searching before I found gold and therein is the tale.

The Good:
I think online dating is great. Yeah I said it. Now that that is out of the way let me tell you why. I have been some places and seen some things. I have been married and divorced. Twice each. Lifehappens/don’tjudgeme. I got to a point in my life where I had a good grasp of what I could bring to the table and what I needed in a partner. No more trying to be all things to all people. What I found useful about online dating is it allows you to be systematic and strategic about what you are looking for and whom you choose to meet. Romance is what we all want but why invest the emotional energy in someone you really can’t have a future with? You also get the chance to communicate with people you would never cross paths with any other way.

Follow me here. We all have specific needs and wants. Most of us have busy lives and plenty of things to get done on a daily basis. Time is a major limiting factor in trying to meet someone. When you meet in any other setting (Church, the club, networking events, the grocery store) you don’t get the information you really need until somewhere in the middle of the process. MAYBE. Online it is all there, from the beginning. Not only the vital stats but the person’s expression of who they are and what they want in their own words. I know some of you are thinking, “But people lie online.” Yes they do. People lie in person too. Liars lie. The key is to do your due diligence. At least online the initial time and financial investment is usually very small.

I met some really great women online. I know if it could happen for me it can happen for anyone.

The Bad:
There is that whole not really who you say you are thing. This could be a whole post unto itself. Of course this is not unique to online meetings. There was the woman who smoked even though I was very specific about not dating smokers (She said she was planning to quit).

There was the woman who said she had no children when she actually had 3, all under the age of 10 with 2 different daddies. There are plenty of men who are willing to date woman with children but I stated very clearly in my profile that this was not for me. She thought I would change my mind after meeting her and eventually her kids. WDDDA?

And of course no discussion of online dating would be complete without talking about the pictures. I understand that life online allows folks to create the fantasy version of themselves complete with pictures. Sometimes the pictures are a few years (pounds) ago. I get that. But how do you then show up, looking like who you really are and think someone will accept you?

Toes are about to get stepped on here but if the name of the web site is BlackPeopleMeet what is up with all the white women on there reaching out to black men? #HollaFail

The Ugly:
We all have preferences. Among other things, I could never date someone who smokes, votes Republican, or roots for the Boston Celtics, not necessarily in that order. That’s just how I roll. If you know that upfront, why are you giving me a second thought when there is no possibility that we could be on the same page? This brings me to the subject of cyber stalkers. What is it about a screen and a keyboard that makes someone want to fill up your inbox with why-not-me messages? Desperation is not the business. If there is no mutual interest please just move on. Fortunately that did not happen too often.

In conclusion, I am reminded of the old saying all’s well that ends well. I would do it all again, even the smoking woman or BeBe’s kids to end up where I am now because this is priceless.

BougieLand - what are your dealbreakers? Do you only date within a certain age group? Body type? Who still smokes in this day and age? Would you date a smoker? A conservative Republican? A Lakers fan? (Sorry GAM, I had to throw that in there) Someone with multiple kids by multiple partners? Where is (or was for the already married/committed) your line in the sand? Inquiring minds want to know? 

135 comments:

Oh Stewardess said...

My deal-breaker is online dating. I don't even do social network site dating anymore. After reading a few posts and or comments, I think "How could I ever kiss a mouth that thinks like he does".

tiffanyinhouston said...

Excellent post, GAM!! I met my husband via Facebook and probably tried various combinations of online sites over the years from Love@AOL to PlentyOf Fish. So I am definitely a fan of using the sites to augment your real life dating activities. I remain puzzled at folks that remain disdainful of online dating because it either reeks of desperation OR think that the internet is full of crazies. You can meet desperate and crazy in the grocery store or thru a hook-up by your homegirl. There is are a lot of trash people online, but there is also treasure. Sometimes you have to work a little harder to find it.

And just like you have to take a break from IRL dating, you also have to take breaks from online dating. Like anything else, it too should be done in moderation.

CaliGirlED said...

GAM and fellow Lakers Lover!!! Well done my friend! I am so glad that you have found someone who makes you feel like all the bullshiggity that you did experience is worth it. The best and most important thing that you said in your entire post is simply that, "Liars lie". Period point blank!

When I tried online dating before I too was annoyed by the men who tried to "hook up" with me even though their pictures or personal descriptions were completely and totally opposite of what I said I was looking for...While online dating was not for me I know that many people have found success with it. With that I just say be careful, but then again I say that to anyone who tells me they just met this wonderful guy/girl, at the club, church, grocery store, etc.!

P.S. GAM my S.O. is a Boston Celtic fan! WTH?!! He asked me if I would cheer for the Celtics in the finals should the Lakers not make it. WDDDA??? I told him don't let the Celtics be the cause of our never speaking again! I bleed purple and my veins are gold! He better go somewhere with that!!! And for further clarification, I am a LAKER fan, not a Kobe fan. I was lovin the Lakers before Kobe was born! LOL

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

"BougieLand - what are your dealbreakers? Do you only date within a certain age group? Body type? Who still smokes in this day and age? Would you date a smoker? A conservative Republican? A Lakers fan? (Sorry GAM, I had to throw that in there) Someone with multiple kids by multiple partners? Where is (or was for the already married/committed) your line in the sand? Inquiring minds want to know?"

Dealbreakers: Bad teeth, overweight, being unkind, children (especially OOW children), bad character, conservative/libertarian, being color-struck, smoker

I prefer slim fit men (WR, track runner, swimmer types) but don't mind a dude w/ a lil extra meat on his bones. But, if his cleavage is bigger than mine, no bueno.

As for age, I generally prefer men close to my age. I'm past the point in life where dating a man 15 yrs my senior would be looked on as gross by everyone else, but it still kind of creeps me out a little. I like that older men are more stable, and tend to do all the "romantic" gestures on their own, and are pretty much trained on how to be in a relationship. And I've met some very attractive older men that ALMOST made me reconsider my age limit (there was this one professor at Xavier. Handsome, smart, a gentleman ... *swoon*... but I think he was lying about his marital status and that is DEFINITELY a dealbreaker). However, their age is usually an issue for me and I just can't do it. Especially because at this point, most older men have been married before and I prefer for my first marriage to be my future husband's first marriage as well.

I'm glad that I'm currently in a relationship because I would definitely have to do online dating to find what I'm looking for, and dating is rough enough without having to deal with internet weirdos.

blackprofessor said...

Great post! I think online dating and social network sites present other venues where one could possibly meet someone special. I think it all goes back to being open and flexible as to where, when and how you will meet that special someone.

MelaninEnriched said...

Welp, I've met a few good BFs, as well as good friends from online dating. I had to take a break from it, but I think it's a very useful tool in finding someone, especially if you pay attention to detail.

As for the questions, yes, I only date men within a certain age group. Those dudes who are in their 50's+ are the worst, especially if I've clearly specified that I don't want anyone past 40. Um, you think I won't notice your age or something?? The dudes with multiple kids (I can perhaps do one)----dealbreaker. Smokers & drug abusers---dealbreaker. Guys who have nothing useful to say or overly sexual-------dealbreaker. If you can't spell AT ALL or have terrible grammar---dealbreaker (I'm not talking a misspelled word or two). If the last thing you read was See Spot Run---dealbreaker. If you use the word "teddy bear" in your description--dealbreaker, because that translates to morbidly obese, so no thanks. If going outside of your county is considered traveling--dealbreaker.

Anyway, great post GAM! I agree online dating can take some of the hassle out of it if you're good at comprehension.

GrownAzzMan said...

"P.S. GAM my S.O. is a Boston Celtic fan! WTH?!! He asked me if I would cheer for the Celtics in the finals should the Lakers not make it. WDDDA???"

Cali, I couldn't do it. I don't even wear green clothes!

Nandiehills said...

Nice post. I tried online dating and decided to put it on hold to regroup. I was irritated by the fact that many of the people who reached out completely ignored my preferences.

Yes I date within a certain age group but that can change depending on the individual. Smoker - dealbreaker; still attached (aka separated) - dealbreaker; anyone with the word 'conversate' in their profile and other cringe-worthy grammatical errors... dealbreaker!

MariSol said...

No smokers. No prison records. No 14 baby mamas. Matter of fact, no baby mama at all if drama is up in the mix.
I will date 5 years younger and 8 years older. Also, I don't mind how you cheer for as long as you aren't rabid about it. Had one guy almost get into a fist fight over the Yankees. It's not that serious. At least not to me.

Jason P said...

No drugs, no clinging, no whining, no slobs, no broke asses. You can be overweight but you gotta be doing something about it. You can be older or younger but you gotta have maturity. I want to enjoy you, not raise you. What's the phrase Chele uses? I need pew-sttin' not Bible-beatin'. Up to two kids if they don't belong on an episode of Beyond Scared Straight. I draw my line in the sand at ignorance and intolerance. I don't ask for much :)

thinklikeRiley said...

*fist bump* Respect to da homie, GAM. I ain't even wanna know how many chicks he hadda do thru before he got a good one.

JaymeC said...

So I'm the only one who wants to know what was different about his lady (that made her The One) and if he's giving any thought to marrying again or if they are good as is? Fine, I'll be nosy.

Grace said...

Makes me think I'll give it one more try. Maybe.

Gods_Man said...

I remain puzzled at folks that remain disdainful of online dating because it either reeks of desperation OR think that the internet is full of crazies.

I remember my bride's mother was VERY suspicious of me when we were dating because of that. She just knew I was going to be an axe murderer.

michaeldavis said...

One thing that you can tell online is someone's grasp of the English language. If I see "me to" instead of TOO, and LOOSE instead of LOSE one mo'gin ...just saying.

Troy said...

I've actually had pretty good luck online. As GAM said, it's a great way to get a snapshot of someone that it would normally take 3 or 4 dates to ask all that stuff. Luckily, I have a really excellent bullshiggity radar. So I can tell pretty quickly into that first coffee date if the profile was complete fabrication. For instance, how you studying law and you don't know who Thurgood Marshall is? Lie better. NEXT!

Mony_Mony said...

Great post GAM! Oh, the stories I could tell about the ugly of online dating... I was on one website that has a chat function when a (currently unemployed) "gentleman" contacted me. In the course of the conversation he asked what I was looking for, adding the charming comment that I have "probably been single for a long time." When I responded that I recently ended a long term relationship, he stated "you mean he left you for a white girl, lol". Goodbye and block! What kind of game is that?

Dealbreakers - ignorance, too conservative, close-minded, , smoking/drugs, kids.

Preferences - not overweight or husky (like JustAThought, I prefer the runner/swimmer/soccer types), up to 10 years older, never married, college educated/upwardly mobile, interesting, well-read.

Gods_Man said...

Great post GAM. As someone who traveled through the online dating world I am with you on the Good, Bad and the Ugly.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Good point. Many a profile got tossed for just flat out horrible grammar!!! Not trying to be sexist, but I think the guys are way more guilty of this than the ladies! LOL!!

tiffanyinhouston said...

Jayme, I already asked him on the Twitter. Waiting on my response..LOL!!!

michaeldavis said...

I do not approve of that assessment! LOL. The sisters are too... as it don't LOOSE my number. What had happened was....

michaeldavis said...

and if your profile pic is you and your homegirls dropping it like it's hot (probably more like lukewarm), in front of a mural of an airbrushed Lexus or 2Pac/Biggie montage... the answer is I.Cannot.

David Chase said...

TIH - I think overall men are less "ardent" with their grammar in written communication. My company emails will back me up. I mean spell check is generally NOT a suggestion!

Man's World said...

Good list!

Man's World said...

You meant "he hadda GO thru" not "DO thru" right? HA HA HA!

OneChele said...

We're going to discuss the profile fails in tomorrow's post.

OneChele said...

*whispers* How does someone NOT know who Thurgood Marshall is?!?!

OneChele said...

Why not?!

OneChele said...

Y'all ain't right!

OneChele said...

Lawd, I hope so.

OneChele said...

Ooooh. Yankees fans. Bless their passionate hearts.

OneChele said...

People think they will change your mind...

OneChele said...

I've also met some really interesting folks including a boyfriend or two online. And when guys answer the question - What was the last book you read? with "I don't really like to read" - Done.

OneChele said...

Excellent point

OneChele said...

Booooo.

OneChele said...

No disrespect to the sanity-challenged but crazy (like lazy, liars, all around bad folks) knows no boundaries - they are everywhere.

OneChele said...

"you mean he left you for a white girl, lol" What part of the game is THAT?!

Mony_Mony said...

Ugh, this is a HUGE pet peeve for me. Or those who use text language or simply aren't aware that the caps button exists (or that it doesn't have to be used constantly).

Mony_Mony said...

Unfortunately, I keep my friends entertained with my tales of online dating. :/

Mony_Mony said...

Agreed! I am a huge reader, so when someone chose 0-5 as his answer for "How many books have you read in the last YEAR?", I knew we were not meant to be.

Mony_Mony said...

Just out of curiosity, how do you meet people via Facebook?

J B said...

It seems to me that the only thing a man pays attention to in an online ad is the photo. If he likes it, he goes for it. Never mind if he's a born again ex-con smoker with kids.

J B said...

Dealbreakers: huge age differences, smokers, separated men (handle your biz), illiterate men, extremely religious men (equally yoked, y'know), and men who have or want babies.

Natasha Hunter said...

Online dating is a tool, people would be less disappointed if they used it as such. Knowing that the fool in line at the Quik-Trip has a Blackberry with more apps than I have, I don't get too upset when I start conversing (or as he would say conversating-lol) with a guy online and they aren't all that they say they are-I charge it to the game and step up my interviewing process. I've met some great guys that I still maintain friendships with as well as some guys that made we want to leave the house with a ski-mask on in 90 degree weather so they'd never, ever, ever, recognize me out. It's all good!

Great themes these past couple of weeks 'Chele, me likey :)

cocoaeyecandy said...

I'm in the coffee date meet-n-greet stage right now and it took weeks to narrow the field to get here. It just takes work, it's not going to just fall in your lap.

Leon X said...

Good post today GAM. I do have an issue with the busy aspect of online dating you mentioned. If you join online dating sites because you're too busy to attend social functions doesn't it stand that you'd be too busy to date as well?

Going back to yesterday's post, a picture type that Chele missed is the person who takes a picture of a picture. Why are you taking a picture of a picture of yourself instead of just taking a picture of yourself in the first place?

Rob said...

Well I met Amy here on BnB. I saw her pic, looked up her FB/DISQUS/Twitter profiles ascertained she was good people and asked her out. Fourteen months in. And as of last night.... DRUMROLL please - we are engaged. *puts head between knees and takes deep breaths* Yep. I said engaged. As in almost married. Congratulate me, I got a good one.

OneChele said...

Aw! A BougieLand Wedding! *tearing up* That is so excellent. You are both great people, many years of happiness to you!

Sol_dier said...

Congratulations.! (Good for you)

*Lines up for engagement cake* :)

Sol_dier said...

well done to you to. for providing the environment :)

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Don't get me started on text speak. It gets even better when someone is trying to cuss you off on-line an der rant luks leik dis.

Bethany Showell said...

Awww congrats you two!

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

No smokers, no drinkers*, no 'keeping up with the Jones' flashy types, no baby mamas, no married or separated men (I shouldn't have to spell this out, but *sigh* you know how it goes), no poor hygiene or manners (you can tell a lot about someone by how they speak to their waiter. *nods* Also, if I am choking on your funk, I don't ever want to see or smell you again), MUST have a legitimate job and something more than a high school diploma.

That's about it for now; most of my mind is too busy with my thesis to focus on all my possible dating deal breakers.


*An occasional social drink is fine, but if getting shytfaced is your idea of a good time - keep it moving.

Mony_Mony said...

Congratulations to both of you (and Dr. Jayme?) :)

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Congratulations!

AppleBerryMIA said...

Here's the funny part. I've been trying to call my Mom since last night to tell her and couldn't catch up with her. She reads BnB and just found out from the blog that her only daughter is engaged. BougieLand knew before Mama knew - Rob is NEVER gonna live this down. ;-)
Thanks for the well wishes! Oh and Chele, don't think I don't know who helped out with the ring. One day you'll have to tell me how you knew I didn't want a diamond. You rock - hard.

CorettaJG said...

Aw! Congratulations!

tiffanyinhouston said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Congratulations!!!! Trust me Rob, marriage is SO WORTH IT!!!! YAYYYYYYYY!!!!

Tazzee said...

Great post! I met my husband online. It's funny that you mentioned rivalries because you could clearly tell from my profile that I'm an Atlanta Falcons fan. He's a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan and the first message he sent me was some lighthearted trash talking. He's not as 'passionate' about his team as I am so the rivalry hasn't been a hindrance.

As for preferences, as odd as it may seem - I wanted a man with children. Preferably teenager and above. I had reached a point where I realized that I didn't want to have kids. I also started to realize that most men wanted children so I preferred a man with kids. But then I learned the concept of a 'union baby' - thankfully the pros outweigh the cons when he brings it up, LOL.

My profile also clearly stated non-smoker (I had smokers reach out to me) and local (had men across the country reach out to me).

Sol_dier said...

I haven't tried online dating, Offline dating is chaotic enough for me but if I do, I think some of the deal breakers would mirror my real life deal breakers. i.e.

- Please don't push your wealth in front of me.
- Using the phrase 'no homo' or aggressive misogynists please go away
- Introduce yourself to me properly, 'wassap ma!', 'oi u one fine looking b***?' doesn't cut it O_O
- Please don't brag about your prowess at our introduction.
- Don't insult me on the sly, phrases like - 'you are probably one of those black girls who' (I just stop listening)
- Don't tell me my 'expectations are too high' because I would like someone to go rock climbing with

tiffanyinhouston said...

*Busts a dougie for Rob and Amy*

Rob said...

Mama Berry already giving a bruh the side-eye.

Gods_Man said...

Congratulations!!!!

tiffanyinhouston said...

My husband and I have a mutual friend who used to post a daily question on his status that used to get a ton of responses so our friend created a group. From there I interacted with my now husband quite a bit. One day, our friend had not posted his daily question so I inboxed my husband (because I "knew" him) and asked what was up, then I friended him. Unbeknowst to ME, my husband had been asking about me and vetting me thru our mutual friend. So when I friended him, we starting chatting online, moved it offline and now I'm a Mrs.

JohnKinPDX said...

So what I'm hearing you say is that the best women can be found right here in BougieLand. *starts scanning profiles*

maureen palmer said...

Congratulations!!!!

blackprofessor said...

Congrats!!! Is this the first BnB wedding?

maureen palmer said...

Great post GAM. I have tried online dating, but with one foot in and one foot out. I need to put in time. I hate to admit it, but I tried black people meet and that was a major fail.

On another note just saw Rob's post, Chele, maybe we can skip eharmony and just meet each other here on BnB. Just saying. Like someone said below, you provided a situation that made it possible for Rob and Amy.

maureen palmer said...

Congratulations!!!!

Jasmin said...

I met my current boyfriend through blogging, but not intentionally, so I'm not sure if that counts as online dating or not. I've just recently heard of meeting through Facebook/MySpace*, but it seems to be working for folks, so more power to you.

*I'll admit to giving MySpace the side-eye since I always got friended by random older Black men wearing gold chains during my limited time on that site, but I'm sure not everyone who uses it is a creepster.

Diggame said...

I think we have to treat online dating like buying a car. We have to kick the tires around, test drive it, maybe even lease the vehicle before buying. Just have to be more cautious so you don't end up with a lemon...

Mykeia said...

"Why are you taking a picture of a picture of yourself instead of just taking a picture of yourself in the first place?"...Dead right now...

Jubilance1922 said...

Am I the only woman who online dates who doesn't send a lot of messages? I've found that I can sit back & allow men to contact me, and just weed through the responses to figure out who I want to message back.

Dealbreakers - old enough to be my father or grandfather or not old enough to buy me a drink; smokers; men with more than 1 child; men who didn't read my profile (always apparent by what they say in the message); men who can't spell or use proper punctuation (I'm not a spelling bee champ but spell-check exists for a reason, and run-on sentences are not sexy).

Jubilance1922 said...

Congratulations! :-)

Jubilance1922 said...

Congratulations! :-)

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO!!! I hear ya!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

LOL, not everyone has a link to a profile. Some of us enjoy [relative] anonymity (sp?).

Jubilance1922 said...

I've been known to skip many a message if it contains grammatical errors, spelling errors, or incorrect/nonexistant punctuation. How hard is it to at least attempt to draft a coherent message?

I thought I was just being picky but it seems I'm in good company.

CaliGirlED said...

"I want to enjoy you, not raise you." Love it!

"Up to two kids if they don't belong on an episode of Beyond Scared Straight." LMAO!!!

CaliGirlED said...

I have yet to see a "Riley typo", but I guess there's a first time for everything! (Read, he probably meant "do"). LOL!!!

Penny said...

Congratulations to the both of you!!!

AndreaPlaid said...

I had to leave online dating alone for a minute because I kept running into the following dealbreakers:

- Poor grammar/writing skills. (Sorry, but language does mark someone, even as someone who's worth dating.)
- Wanting to insult me as a form of humor, oneupsmanship, or comeuppance. (Co-sign, Sol_dier.)
- Getting sexual two words into the chat. (I write about race, sex, and pop culture, so I don't mind conversations about them. But telling me from jump you're a sub looking for a domme...pearl clutch.)
- Children. (I'll about to turn 42 in a couple of months, and I'm running down my biological clock. Rather, as a co-worker said, I'm taking the thing and throwing it from the roof of the Empire State Building, and no amount of cocoa will make me think otherwise.)
- Smoking/drinking/drugs. (I don't any of these things. I try to be a little lenient about drinking, though when I see "drinks once in a while" and a beer gut in the profile photo...go play.)
- Want to holler about racism, but revel in sexism, homophobia, etc. Not the look.
- Being 20 years older or younger than I am. I don't want a daddy or a son.
- Namedropping.
- Saying they don't like to read or learn.
- Wanting to challenge/police my Blackness because I don't like, say, rap.

I'm thinking about going back to online dating, so thanks for the encouragement @GrownAzzMan. And thanks for these posts, Chele!

Ms. Jay said...

Congrats !

CaliGirlED said...

That was definitely one of my "weed them out" criteria! Or the ones who can only come up with one or two sentences, followed by "Find out the rest in person".

BrendaKay said...

Congratulations Amy and Rob. :-)

CaliGirlED said...

What?!! CONGRATULATIONS to you both! That is so wonderful!

Alvin Milton said...

Ya boy did the online dating thing. Worked out pretty well. Met great women, weeded out the rest. Ended up with someone pretty compatible. Excited about the future. +1 for BPM and the non black women on there trying to meet black people. Whats that about? Anyway, I just celebrated valentines day for the first time in a few years and I enjoyed it. You do have to do your due diligence. Pay attention to how people come across, how they write, etc. Good luck to you if you go this route.

C Nelson said...

I met my fiance online, but not through a dating website. I avoid dating websites like the plague because I feel it's nearly impossible to trust people's profiles without spending some real time with them. Gaming together let me see how he responded to competition, challenges, and disappointments, and what his sense of teamwork and fair play were like. I learned that he's punctual, organized, able (and prefers) to discuss things rationally, generous to a fault, and compassionate, before we ever started dating. I probably would never have known these things for sure if we had been just a pair of profiles, because I would not have believed him.

Deal-breakers: I'll never date a(nother) smoker, a jailbird, or a drug addict/alcoholic, recovering or not. I expect English literacy. My age limits are ten years up or ten years below. I'm going to side-eye the "multiple kids with multiple partners" thing other people object to though -- it only takes two long-term relationships to get you there. Multiple kids of unknown/uncertain paternity is what squicks me. I don't date conservative Republicans, devout Catholics, practicing Jews (I think circumcising children is barbaric and no-one's slicing my boys until they're adults and ask for it) or the kind of person on either side of the political spectrum who doesn't understand that the social safety net isn't free. It needs to be there, but it doesn't happen on air and wishes, so you can't duck or cheat on your taxes on one hand and demand services on the other. I pay my taxes gladly, for the sake of my children and yours. I expect you to do the same.

I also expect you to live in the reality-based world I live in, and to not be racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, or misogynistic. My children get vaccinated, I believe that Genesis isn't a step-by-step cookbook explanation of how God created the world, so God and evolution are not in conflict to me, and when we're sick we see doctors. I expect you to have some professional ambition. You don't have to want to be President or a doctor or lawyer, but you need to want to be something more than janitor at McDonald's for the rest of your life, because I do, and I want a partner, not a dependent. Looking at this, I think I'm picky *and* lucky!

Asada said...

saying you don't like to read is perhaps the MARK of stupid. Save that for when I/(if) I get to know you and can tell you are not stupid or something.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I surely hate the people who will acknowledge racism (in its most general terms) but not the other isms, especially sexism. Fastest way for me to mentally put you in the Twilight Zone whether online or in person.

Also don't abide policing Blackness. I got/get so much crap from people who want to judge me as not black enough for various silly reasons, so it's a pet peeve of mine to see anyone doing it, whether I'm the victim of it or not.

Beautifully Complex said...

Congrats ! Wishing you a blessed & happy marriage !

Lady4Real said...

This makes me so happy. Congratulations to you both. I love seeing people fall in love and try for the long run. Can we get some kind of virtual wedding here in BnB? At least some pics.

Lady4Real said...

Awwww. :)

Lady4Real said...

joins in with Tiffany

Lady4Real said...

lmao.

Jasmin said...

LOL, I was looking through one of my BF's old photo albums on Sunday, and his parents had taken pictures of his bris (the ritual Jewish circumcision), including up-close shots of the blood. Talk about traumatic.

AndreaPlaid said...

O_O

C Nelson said...

Augh. Some things should not be memorialized. Or, if they are, they should at least be hidden better!

OneChele said...

It is that I'm aware of unless someone else has something to share with the class?

C Nelson said...

Congratulations! :)

AndreaPlaid said...

Congrats to both of you!

Penny said...

I have never done any type of online dating, but reading this, I think I am getting up the nerve to try it. I guess you can meet plenty of crazies of all sorts online, but as many people pointed out, you can do that in person as well. And hey, I rode on all forms of the NYC Transit system for years, and goodness knows, you can meet all kinds of people there.

GrownAzzMan said...

What tiffany said is all about being open...

GrownAzzMan said...

This is why I tell my female friends to be active and not passive. Search for someone who does meet what you want and initiate if they don't.

GrownAzzMan said...

It WAS a process. I made a few friends along the way though. I know I ain't for everybody...

GrownAzzMan said...

For JaymeC, Tiffany and everybody else who wants to know but didn't ask, I knew after the second date. I could list all the qualities she has but others had them too. It is hard to describe magic but most of us know it when we see it. We have both been married before so that is not a primary goal but we plan to do it at some point.

GrownAzzMan said...

You ain't met some of the ladies I met then. This was a big dis-qualifier for me too. I need a woman who speaks well and writes well.

GrownAzzMan said...

I wasn't too busy to go out and often did. I just liked the idea of being able to do some pre-screening.

GrownAzzMan said...

Congrats Bruh!

GrownAzzMan said...

On the subject of preferences it got so specific for me that I wanted a woman who had been married but had no children but liked children, especially teenagers so she would be good with my daughter. And I got all that and more. Like I said this ain't for everybody.

GrownAzzMan said...

Same for any other kind of dating IMHO...

GrownAzzMan said...

"- poor job outlook (i didn't get to where I'm at to be your come up)"

That right there...

J B said...

Congrats!

(and if you insist upon an Usher-themed wedding, please let me paypal you NOW for a copy of the video.)

MonP said...

I hate when guys try to change my mind about the fact that I don't want someone with kids. I mean why would he force onto his kid(s) someone that doesn't want be around them. And then, what makes him think telling me he doesn't spend any time with the kid(s) is going to endear me to him?! I don't do deadbeats either!!!

MonP said...

Sometimes it is that serious when Boston's in the mix...

rozb said...

This is beautiful! Peace and blessings to you both!

rozb said...

When I was "on the market" I couldn't deal with the guys who emailed with "Please to talk to lovely lady have great smile good time, yes?" Umm...no. I am not trying to be the answer for you getting a green card.

GammasWorld said...

Congrats on finding your mate online and for writing one heck of a good post! Surely we'll see more, right?

Brneyed1 said...

YAY!! I'll have my coffee ready!

Brneyed1 said...

What he said... ALL. DAY.

J. Jackson said...

Dealbreakers:
-Men with kids
-No ambition
-A person who cannot put a sentence together
-Talking about sex after saying the words, "Hello"

Do you only date within a certain age group? Now it would be yes (if a guy is over 32, it's not going to happen), but if you would've asked me that a couple of months ago I would've been like, "Well..." I was *considering* going out with a guy who was 38, that is until I figured out that he had a 15 year old son. Did I mention that I was 26. What part of the game is that? So needless to say, that ship never got off the dock.

Body type? Yes, I like TALL men. I'm 5' 8'' and a half (yes give me that half inch) and I like to wear 4 inch heels. I can't be with a man who's 5' 5''. That would be an #epicfail. I also like lanky men #dontjudgeme, it's something about them... OK, i'm going to stop now. LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

Their sisters are still trying to hit me up...LOL

Jasmin said...

*Waves at Andrea*

I love your stuff at Racialicious--good to see you at other blogs! :-)

(And yes, it took me until today to figure out that you were *that* Andrea Plaid.)

AndreaPlaid said...

::Waves back:: Hey luvie! I usually keep a low profile online, but I'm such a BnB fan--it's one of my favorite lunchtime reads. So, thanks for welcoming me on the thread!

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

"On the subject of preferences it got so specific for me that I wanted a woman who had been married but had no children but liked children, especially teenagers so she would be good with my daughter." It's wonderful to see them together; she's warm, patient and kind with baby girl.

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

Congratulations and happiness to you both!

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

"...an der rant luks leik dis." *iDied!*

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

Don't have my church hat on (why be different from Sundays) but they are wonderful together. They have that ease and calm that comes with being happy with each other and with yourself. Having known GAM and claimed him as my bro for the last 20 years, I certify that he's the real deal - respectful, speaks honestly, cares sincerely and loves deeply. When it comes to sizing up folks, his radar is good. I'd guess that the ladies that he met through the online universe still have great things to say about him, and men they meet after him may be held up for comparison to his standards!

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO!!!

DSTSusa said...

@AGrownAzzMan you hit home my man! Good job today. I also have been there done that! Kudos to you meeting the woman of your desires. Thanks for the blog today!

GrownAzzMan said...

**Blushing**

GrownAzzMan said...

She is not kidding. I often say that when folks who don't know see us together they think those two are mother and daughter and I must be new...LOL

OhMyGodYes said...

YO! there was a time in MY life when I thought I'd try the online dating thing. Man was that a nightmare. Let me just say to the men, please stop it with the shirtless muscle pics. Its nice that you work out and all but please put your nipples away. Maybe there are women out there who would love to see what a guy is working with before they go in to send a note but it sends the wrong message if you ask me. PLUS, the face is usually BUSTED. To all who have managed to meet a normal person online, you got really lucky. After a while I had to wonder if something was wrong with me, seeing as though I had thrown myself in with this pool of misfits and English class drop outs. I say to hell with online dating. Go to the events and places the interest you, live your life, and you will find yourself in the company of someone who you have lots in common with.

Brittany Geneva said...

I LOVE "liars lie"--it's so true! Just because it's online doesn't mean people will be more or less honest

 Dating said...

Their method of instruction is known as Classical Christian Education, and centers around the Trivium, a teaching methodology dating back to the ancient

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