In an interesting twist, I asked three different married people what they did/did not miss about being single. Tiffany is a newlywed so I wanted her "newbie" insights. Her story is below. Tune in tomorrow for the other two opinions and show her some comment love.
When Chele pinged me on my BlackBerry and asked me to write a guest post for After The Broom, I was a little confused. My response back to her was a question. I asked, “Have I been married long enough??” After all, I’m no marriage expert having been hitched a whole FOUR months. LOL!! But she said I did and so I write.
I got married later in the game, at age 37. I had a lot of time to enjoy being a single woman and all the benefits that come with it. But having crossed the burning sands into matrimony, there are certain things about singleness that I was glad to leave behind. Follow along with me, would you??? J
What I don’t miss about being single:
1. The minefield that is the dating game.
I was talking with my husband about this topic in general and the first thing he said is that he didn’t miss dating at all. (I should hope so! LOL!) After I gave him a strong side of disapproval, he clarified. What he meant is that he didn’t miss the anticipation of meeting someone that you feel has potential and then finding you and the person ultimately do not click. I nodded my head in agreement when he said that. I’ve been there, done that, and have several T-shirts and battle scars to show for it.
2. The endless loop of relationship discussions.
I was at a birthday party for a good friend Saturday night. My husband and I were the only married people at the table. The discussion turned to the subject of dating and relationships. It was kind of weird for me to be silent having participated in many of those type of chats. But this time, I just sat and listened. On the ride home, I told my husband how I didn’t miss those debates at all, going back and forth with my homegirls trying to figure out how men think. The only man that I have to try to figure out now is my husband. Trust me, I am still learning about him and that is MORE than enough.
3. Coming home to an empty house
Living with another person is an adjustment to say the least, but honestly I don’t miss coming home to an empty house. I enjoyed my solitude as a single woman but there were also many nights that I was lonely and simply wanted some conversation. I spent about as many Friday nights on the couch alone as I did out kicking it with my girls. One of the best parts of being married so far has been coming home to a long hug from my husband and being able to laugh at his silly jokes.
4. Hot steaming cocoa, without the guilt.
I don’t think this requires much explanation, but if you are a Christian you should feel me. LMAO!!!!
And last but certainly not least, the MOST important thing I don’t miss about being single…….
5. Being asked the infamous question: So why are YOU still single???
This annoyed me to no end when I was single and still annoys me now. People are single because they want to be or maybe because they are trying to work through some stuff or maybe because they just haven’t met the right person yet. But for whatever reason someone is single, they are and that’s that. It’s would be nice if folks accepted things as they stood. Being single is a state of being, just like being married is.
I love being married, I love my husband but I also cherish my single past. I think it actually has helped me to become a better wife. I had time to learn and grow and be my own woman. That is the best gift you can give your future spouse, the ability to be a full and complete person…..on your own.
For the BnB singles, do you get tired of coming home to an empty house? Are you one of the guilt-ridden about premarital cocoa? Married people, if you had to get back out there - what would be your hardest adjustment? The floor is yours...
For the BnB singles, do you get tired of coming home to an empty house? Are you one of the guilt-ridden about premarital cocoa? Married people, if you had to get back out there - what would be your hardest adjustment? The floor is yours...
95 comments:
I like this perspective!! After yesterday(which was rough) it's nice to have the newlywed breath of fresh air. Good Job, Chele and Tiffany!
I have to ask Tiffany (she and I are the same age) - after all the frogs - how did you know this was your prince?
I don't feel bothered by any of the thing TIH listed. Maybe I should stay single. LOL
I like that Tiffany. What a great perspective! The one thing I hate about being single is after a long shift at the hospital, coming home to an empty house. I regularly wish to have someone there to say "Hi Honey, how was your day?" Old school but true. On that note, back to work I go.
I think the longer you stay single, the more these things weigh on you. None of this bothered me in my 20s but now in my mid-30s - definitely (ESPECIALLY number 5)
Thank you for mentioning the guilty cocoa. People that weren't raised in the church are often stunned that his is still an issue in today's day and age. But I can't help it. I was raised in a very strict Christian upbringing and though I didn't let it stop me (clearly)-I am always aware and guilty that I'm sinning in the eyes of God.
Congrats! And thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing TiffanyinHouston!
I'm only 28, but I get the stupid "why are you single?" question SO MUCH & it drives me crazy. I'm not some kind of leper! I also really hate when men follow up the "why are you single?" with "you're such a catch! why hasn't some man swooped you up/locked you down/put a ring on your finger?" *sigh*
After reading how much it really (really, really) bothers ladies to be asked Why Are You Single - I'm going to stop asking. No one is ever going to say "I'm a self-absorbed gold digger" so why bother, I'll just figure it out on my own. Congratulations Tiffany and many more years of happiness to you.
*STOMPS FOOT* I'm sick of all this stuff! Where's mine? *deep breath*
I'm better now. Great post.
Tiffany - How did you keep from getting bitter (and weary on the journey) after the disappointments?
For that matter, Chele - how do you?!
The women on this site completely kick ass. Between Roz at 46, Tiffany at 37 and all the long-term marriages, our "mature" women (Brenda, Gamma, BB, etc) and Chele's all around fabulosity it really does a young woman good to hang out here. We get the feeling that we're all okay no matter where we are. We don't always get that positive reinforcement. Thank you ladies!
Stopping in to show some love.
I honestly enjoy most aspects of being single. I've been married before so I speak from both sides of the fence.
The thing I miss most about being married is having someone to kill bugs and fix things. The thing I don't miss- someone else's stuff strewn about and sharing a bathroom.
Isn't that nice?! Thank you.
I tried bitter and weary, it accomplished nothing and made me feel like shiggity. Energetically optimistic is a much better feeling. I simply chose to be happy regardless of circumstance. And I'm a woman of faith, I believe the rainy days are there for a reason ;-)
It's the WORST! "How did the guys miss out on YOU?" Le Boo.
Thanks blogwifey!!! *MUAH*!!!!!
Chele, can you post the link to the guest post I did for you when I got engaged? That speaks for me better than any comment will.
Thanks Doc!! Preciate you!
Thank you, glad you enjoyed.
Great counter-perspective from yesterday. Good stuff this week, Chele.
As for this list, number 2! The only appetite I have for relationship discussions is here on Chele's blog. She always brings something fresh or interesting and it's not just a constant litany of "dating sucks" discussion.
My husband was consistent in words and actions. Even when we had arguments, he never wavered in his love and commitment to our relationship. We had extensive discussions about core values, how we were raised, how we grew up and our expectations about marriage. Also, my husband had been married before so he had VERY definitive ideas about what he DID NOT want in his next marriage. Granted, he is not perfect...however he is perfect for me. Find someone who is perfect for you, not perfect according to what society or your family thinks.
Here ya go: http://www.blacknbougie.com/2010/02/cue-aaliyah-dust-yourself-off-and-try.html
Thanks Paul. LOL @ "self absorbed gold digger"!!!
This.is.everything!!!
Preach Chele!
Yes, "the minefield that is the dating game" is exhausting. I gave up, which is sad because I would love to be married. Waiting on divine intervention.
Amen!
The guilty cocoa stirring is FOR REAL!!! It bothered me when I was doing it and now it's bothering me that I'm trying not too. (Can we say hot & bothered?) Lord Jesus! *walks away fanning*
Having been married and now divorced, I can feel where you're coming from. This blog is great for the brothers too; it gives you encouragement that women with "their mind right" are still available in all age groups.
For the record, I stopped asking question #5 a while ago...although I still get asked by every woman I've dated.
Wow Tiff I can damn near copy and paste those words and just insert my name! Except for the engaged part of course. I don't think you gave up (kitchen table talk with mama) so much as you put it in God's hands. And when you did He said, ok now here's the man I have for you....I did the same thing a few months ago and a wonderful man has stepped into my world. Stay tuned!
Thanks for the link Chele!
Great question Andrea! It's very hard not to get bitter, but it's in your best interest not to.
Good Morning Tiff... Just Respect... Hope the marriage goes well...
As people who reside in singledom... no matter if it is temporary or permanent, for the women they need to stop treating it like a curse... of course they're bs comes from family & friends who SWEAR they know what's best
I so agree with you!!! I have learned so much in BougieLand. My theme this year is Continuous Improvement, and I must say that I have received some great inspiration here.
I can honestly say that when I do get married I won't miss any of what you just mentioned above. And I will be most happy to be rid of 1, 3 and 4!
Tiffany I love your honesty and straightforwardness (especially from your post that you asked Chele to post below). This post was excellent and a must read for those who want to be married, but are skeptical about turning in their "single card".
Chele, BougieLand is ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS!!!
How refreshing to hear your perspective, which is positive, balanced and real! I wish you many blessings on your marriage and I hope it becomes a role model for others.
You have to let it go and just breathe! Men are going to be men and do what they want, so I have learned to literally let it go.
Thank you for saying that, consistency and follow-through are so important.
CONGRATS tiffanyinhouston. Wish you all the best. May your love/partnership grow stronger with each passing day :)
re: single folks. Sometimes I like the empty house, at other times I don't. It would be nice to come home at the end of a long day to dim lights, Nina on stereo and someone who understands that I don't want to utter a word for the rest of the day. I just want to curl up in your lap whilst you read. I mean, can we talk by touch, with our eyes, body language, by doing i.e. the occasional laugh, grunt, sigh or kiss?
Most other days, I just want to say hi, have fun, go out and go home alone.
Maybe this is why seeing people in love not only fascinates me, but it brings me joy. I feels like I am witnessing something so outside of my familiar which works for them.
A couple of my very good friends have really helped me learn how to enjoy & appreciate my singleness. As you mentioned, the pressure one gets from family & friends, & espcially from society directed towards women, can make you believe that you're lacking if you aren't married.
This right here ---------> "I'm a self-absorbed gold digger"
I loved all this about marriage, too. Aside from just loving my husband. :o)
Dating. UGH. I hated it. HATED IT. Just thinking about having to date again makes me tired. To quote Mr. SLS' best friend who said this after the first time he met me, I am "a nester." And he was right. I don't want or need several men, I just want and need ONE who wants and needs me and I will feather the nest to make it nice and comfy, cozy for us. LOL!
But I am happy happy HAPPPPPPYYYY for T2M and M2 and continually send blessings their way for a long, happy and fruitful marriage. Yay!
Great post, thanks for sharing!
Yes, I'm single, and I do tire of coming home to an empty house. Some of the time. But honestly, I feel like I'm not completely ready to share my space full-time with another person. It really tickles me to admit that now, because I went through a 2yr stage when ALL I could think about was getting married. Now that most of my homegirls are already married and either have or are having children, I don't even them one bit. You may have your crumbsnatchers, I am just fine.
I do have occasional guilt about premarital sex, but I haven't committed to being abstinent until marriage so it comes with the choice to partake of the cocoa. Oh well.
Now, I do want a partner, the person who really "gets" me, really understands me, and loves me unconditionally. I haven't found that person yet, but I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ok with waiting.
Now, if Chele would be so kind as to hook us all up, we could turn in our happily married posts for review ;-)
I'm almost scared to ask - What's nest week?!
Are you going to show what some married people do miss about being single?
Not to be all in your business but did your now husband (then boyfriend) kind of make it clear early that he was in the market for a serious relationship? And how long from when you started going out to when you walked down the aisle?
Great post Tiffany ! I can agree with this entire list for sure.
I think that "why are you single " question is for lazy conversationalists. If you spend time talking & getting to know people you will figure it out if you have a discerning ear. People can't hide their crazy for too long & game players won't ever admit it outright anyway ! LOL
I too long for guilt-free cocoa. It is so much more enjoyable that way.
So happy that you found such happiness !
Interesting post. I don't date often and am not a serial dater (I know people who honestly date for sport and have at least 1 date per week...um...no) so most of that drama of #1 does not apply to me...at all. I'm thankful. #2 is tedious unless I discuss it from an intellectual point of view (sorry psych background) with people who are sharp so I don't find #2 a burden either. I'm a hardcore introvert (INTJ) so very little makes me happier than #3. The best years of my life were when I didn't have roommates or family living with me, just solo. I'd almost cry tears of joy coming home to the peace and silence of an empty place. I don't have guilt about #4 but not obsessed with it either so it somewhat falls into #1.
You win on #5. You win. If that isn't the most annoying and stupid question by people it genuinely does NOT impact. I told my twitter friends the other day, except for within past corporate jobs, I have received more insults in the last 5 years about being single (which I enjoy and am fine with) than being Black or a woman. Seriously.
Nice post, it is interesting to read a post from someone who enjoys marriage, not someone who brags about a poor relationship while admonishing those who are single. LOL. Those posts are common (not here on BnB) but in the blogosphere in general. I call them "nomances." Again, another good guest post.
Love to TIH! Great post. Congrats on your nuptials and all the best for a laughter and love filled life together.
God bless!
I fell out my chair at this. I read a guest post Chele did somewhere where she said she wished people came with an LED reader in their forehead so when you walked up and pushed the button it would scroll, "Hi, I'm 36 living on my mother's couch, I'm on probation and if you let me get cloe to you, I'll rob you blind." Hilarity.
Get it Tiff. The best thing about this blog is that it consistently kick's stereotype's ass.
This has me conflicted. On the one hand I'm a little some kinda way because my engagement went up in smoke, on the other hand it reminds me that I didn't want to settle for any old kind of wife. Either way I wish Tiffany happiness.
Great post. :)
Next week = online dating week.
Tomorrow.
Ha! You waiting on me?!?!?
Nice post Tiffany. I am glad that you and your new husband are happy and I wish you both continued happiness. As a single person, yes, I do get tired of coming home to an empty house. This one is even worse for me since I recently moved to a new state and do not know many people outside of my work life.
Best to you and new husband!
Great post, Tiffany!
So you know the next question you'll get sick of hearing: "When are the babies coming?" I remember wanting to tell people to stay out of my uterus!
I think Number One is the thing that I miss least about being single. Seriously, if I had to come up with the energy to try and look cute, plus hold some man's attention on a dinner date at 7 o'clock on a Tuesday night after I've worked a full 9-10 hours? I had that kind of energy at 25, now I just don't! I don't know...it might just be me and the couch!
*Jesus chuckled*
*rubs hands together* This oughta be good.
Great post Tiffany...
I have been married for a while now. The the only thing that I really know about single life is that it sounds both interesting and hard--yes the same can be said about marriage.
I married young, something that I do not think others should do, so there is not too much that I can add to this post, I wish I could. Loving the comments so far.
I too agree with you!!! Sending E-hugs.
I love the women on this site...they give me hope.
I'm glad that you are back, you always leave excellent comments.
*Dead* over here at "hot steaming cocoa."
Okay, I have to tell you as a married woman, that is not old school, it is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD, coming home and some taking an honest in you and your world outside of the home...also mixed with a hug...priceless.
When people ask me what is my favorite place my answer is: in my husband's arms and my son's too.
You'll find love soon...
He was VERY DEFINITIVE about dating with a purpose. He stressed that A LOT in our early conversations. We met June 2009, exclusive within 6 weeks. Engaged December 2009, married September 26, 2010. That may be a little swift for some but we were older and past a lot of the game playing. Plus we want a kid (or two) so dating for years wasn't something either of us wanted to do. We moved at the right pace for US.
When it's right, it's right!
That ain't right. Can't even read what ya wrote cuz all I hear iz "I swing my beatz at da playground"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq_-DZBZOWc
Thanks Mykeia!
Dammit now that song is stuck in my head!
Great post TIH! You and I share a very simular story in terms of dating, engagement and marriage (as I'm getting married in 100 days!). This post rings so true for me too!
Don't put that kind of pressure out there, lol. The hook ups are right here in the blog, read and apply. ;)
I wish I could help my best friend. It's hard being the married friend with a bestie who wants to get married but there is no one good for her at the moment,and my marriage seems like a blessing and curse to her. She love's that I am so happy, but it hurts that she doesn't have the same. How do you help in a situation like this?
Great post TIH!
that's my favorite place too. Surrounded by my hubby and sons I feel like a protected princess. Ahh, marriage and kids, now this is the good life.
Loved the post *fist bump* to my fellow newlywed! I don't miss much about single life other then my homegirls, but that gets tiring after awhile. I love having someone I can depend on and that is my best friend. I appreciate the good days and the bad days because at the end of the day we are married and there for one another.
I personally love to see my happily married friends. It gives me hope & keeps me positive that I will have that for myself one day, and to not wallow in negativity.
Keep being a positive example of marriage for her :-)
Got it. Wish I had someone to hook her up with though *sigh*
Congrats Tiffany!
I ended a long-term relationship a few months ago, so being single is still somewhat of a novelty for me. #4 is no longer an issue since I've recommitted to abstaining until I'm married. #3 isn't a major issue because I'm an introvert and I cherish my alone time. I love going out and having fun, but on my schedule. I haven't had a (shared room) roommate since my freshman year of college and a (shared house) roommate in over 4 years, by choice.
#1 is definitely my biggest issue. I'm conflicted because I enjoy the anticipation but get irritated by the disappointments. I'm also stuck in a midwestern college town where there aren't many people around my age (either married folks or college kids) and aren't many people that look like me, so there's definitely a limited dating pool I haven't been single long enough to deal with #5 a lot, but it was definitely irritating when some guy asked me last week. I'm happy being single but would also be happy in a good relationship (not just any relationship).
Great article! I wish the best for you Tiffany and your husband in your marriage!
I agree with #1. As a single person, I always encourage my married friends to appreciate what they have (even when they hit rough patches)because the dating scene truly sucks! It is so hard to meet people who are truly interested in you and who really "gets" you. So many people don't mature and all they want to do is play games, which isn't me at all. I think that over time, this lack of quality in the dating scene has resulted in me being closed emotionally. I have to work really hard to allow people in to get to know me.
I also hate coming home to an empty house, as it can be lonely. I would also look forward to #4. I am waiting to marry to have sex. I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to worry about dishonoring God, getting pregnant or getting an std.
first, tih congrats! i wish you many years of happiness.
on to the questions:
yes, i get tired of coming home to an empty house. so much so, that i was working extra hours and volunteering to be on call (that's a 24 hour shift, yall) just so i wouldn't be at home alone. i wasn't ready to get back in the dating game, so i got a dog. i spend all day talking to people and sometimes i don't want to talk when i get home. it would be nice for someone to be there though. the dog works for me. i don't have to talk if i don't want to, but my house isn't empty anymore.
i do have pangs of guilt about the cocoa, but i'm gay. i can't get married, but i do want cocoa within a committed relationship.
LOL! I used to tell folks to stay out of my reproductive business, but then I would tell them, "Give us five years" because we had made that decision before we ever got married. When the five years was up, folks climbed right back into my uterus until the day we announced that we were pregnant. Le sigh...
Akright now, God is truly good. I advised a good friend to do the same. I think I am going to put my fear of doggish men to the side and pray this prayer myself.
*Alright
it's kinda peaceful to come home to a (somewhat) quiet house...but other times i do wonder what it would be like, having a S.O....being married...worrying about getting home to make sure Peter Parker Jr has his homework done (and snatching his PS6 if it isn't done)...
but those are just dreams, for now. Right now, it's more important to get myself on the right track. and wait for the...hot chocolate. *cough*
Foxy Brown ~ I have three dogs and for right now that is all the company that I want. :-)
YES do that! And you don't have to fear doggish men if you commit to not allowing them in your life. Ask God for the kind of man you want and He'll handle the rest. And don't think it's necessarily going to be the first one that comes along, may not be him. But once you are CLEAR on the kind of man you want, and are ready to receive him, you will know to let Mr. Wrong walk on by.
Nice post TIH. Hmm, heaven help me if I ever had to get into the dating game. Hubby and I have been together since high school and I'll be 35 in July. I'd be scared straight with all the foolishness that I hear my single friends going through.
Lord! That is damn near as bad as dating in person! Can't wait!
I'm soo late, but yeah..so #5 is the most annoying question for a single person and I get hit with it all the time. What's really sad though is that before I graduated from law school in May, most of the people who are now asking me "why are you single" or "I don't see a ring on your finger, do I?" are the same people who used to tell me that I needed to focus on school and "leave them boys alone!" So now, when school's over, I moved back to my hometown from school, and I'm working..I'm supposed to automatically be engaged...crazy, right?
However, I love to see people happy and in love so congrats to Tiffany!
My sentiments EXACTLY!!
This was great Tiffany! If I had to get back out there, the hardest adjustment would be not having a best friend/lover by my side as I go through LIFE!
Interestingly enough, that question, "Why are you still single?" NEVER got on my nerves. I'd honestly answer, "Because I haven't met the right person yet." I knew I would meet him eventually, so it just never bothered me. If anything, the question gave me a moment to reflect and come up with the most honest answer possible. Maybe I just love answering questions about myself. LOL
oh yeah, Tiffany this was a HOME RUN, I'll be glad when my time comes to retire those 5 things... lol
hey esta es my blog de [b]Santa Pola[/b], te aconsejo a que la visites,
ahi estoy informando cosas sobre esta ciudad de
de la provincia de[b] Alicante[/b], si deseas pasar una fantasticas vacaciones.....
[url=http://santapolafiestas.wordpress.com/]Santa Pola[/url]
Post a Comment