Thursday, February 17, 2011

Don't blame it... An Online Dating Adventure by @Reads4Pleaure


Today's internet dating tales comes from the ever brilliant book blogstress, @Reads4Pleasure. Do not attempt to read this while sipping substances next to electronics. Show some love...

Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times, blame it on Luther

Back in December Luther Vandross’ song Second Time Around kept popping up on my iTunes and my iPhone.  I have almost 3,000 songs in iTunes so it struck me as more than strange that in a two-week timeframe, I heard it no less than six times.  Were the lyrics a sign? Was Luther the Patron Saint of Romance trying to tell me something?  Or did my iTunes just need an overhaul? I don’t know, but I took it as a sign and decided to give dating a try after a 4 ½ year hiatus.  I’ve been busy doing other things.  Don’t judge me!

Being honest, I’m not the chick men notice on the street, in the grocery store, library, etc.  I stopped doing clubs years ago because I got tired of holding everyone else’s purse while they had a good time and I sat in the corner observing.  So I figured I’d give online dating a try.  Surely someone would read my profile and realize that I was just the nerd he was looking for, right? Wrong!

In the 30 day challenge I set for myself, I decided that I would put myself out there and hope for the best.  I thought my profile accurately portrayed me as a somewhat shy nerd with a passion for books and music, a love of football and a dry sense of humor.   I was looking for someone who was appreciative of those things, sure of himself, responsible and communicative.  I wasn’t interested in whether or not he was white-collar or blue-collar, as long as he was able to handle his business.  I also stated that he didn’t have to be the most handsome man, as long as he had a good heart.  For the record, I also mentioned my preferred age range.

Some of the responses I received were from:  the Hamburglar, a dude who told me his idea of fine dining was McDonald’s; a guy who was an “a ventures person” who really liked to look nice when his “ends are right;” and from someone who “wonted” to be loved. There was the 69 year old Caucasian man I had to block because he filled my inbox with his number and requests to talk and/or meet.  There was the 61 year old deacon who wanted more children and thought I would be the perfect woman to give them to him.  And then there was Cat Daddy.

Cat Daddy said he was 48 in his profile on one site, but was 50 on another site.  That was slightly older than I was willing to go, but he spoke in complete sentences in IMs and seemed to be the winner of the bunch.  So what went wrong?  When we finally spoke by phone, he sounded 60.  I swearfoGod I expected him to break out with the J. Anthony Brown ‘watchouttherenow’ at any moment.  But I was being open and open-minded, so I talked to him a second time.  This time around he repeatedly told me about how fabulous his house was, asked me to move in, offered to pay some bills and asked how soon I thought we could start having the kids God never blessed him with.  Hold up, partner!  I give good phone, but it’s not THAT good.  I don’t think I’d said more than 20 words to this man and he had me barefoot and pregnant by year’s end.  Needless to say, I’ve not spoken to him since.

The challenge came to an end and I have to say I wasn’t sorry to see it end.  I’ll leave the dating to the professionals.  In the meantime, there are books to be read, music to be heard and television to be watched.  And that Luther song?  Oh, it went bye-bye.

What do you think, BougieLand - is it just that hard out there for a Bougienista? Do you think (as I do) that 30 days isn't enough time to see what's out there? I've noticed that many of you have stated that you tried and gave up in frustration. Should we consider searching for acceptable companionship a marathon instead of a sprint? And what is to be done with these Cap/Cat Daddies out there? Can someone (Brian McKnight) host an intervention reality show to get some of these dudes out of the club?! And have YOU mastered the art of giving good phone? Show some comment love...

80 comments:

JaymeC said...

Okay, you definitely hit the full house of FAIL. But don't give up! Thirty days isn't long enough to weed through.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Too funny! How you gonna blame Luther though?! LMAO

jake said...

Two words - Hamburglar. *Dead*

Pure Choco said...

Too funny. I know Chele came up with that graphic. You two are a mess! I listened to the show last night, you all can take that act on the road.

I agree that 30 days isn't enough time. It's frustrating for sure.

All Honey said...

Lawd- The Deacon Do Wrong stories!

MeetCharlieL said...

What if the next one is Mr. Better Than What You've Seen So Far?

Javalicious said...

Bwahaha! Why you brought Brian McKnight into it?!

And why did I have to read " an a ventures person" three times before I figured out homeboy was trying to say adventurous? I'm too through

blackprofessor said...

This is a hot mess! Don't blame Luther (rest his soul)!

I say try 30 days on another site, so if you tried match, try e-harmony. Hopefully you might be fishing in a new and better pond while remaining open to the possibility. I have learned that you have to keep trying, unfortunately dating is a marathon all while trying new and different methods.

I don't know if Chele is going to cover this, but I would also recommend speed dating.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

First, thanks Reads4Pleasure, for sharing. But I do NOT thank you for the near hyperventilation caused by "Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times, blame it on Luther". And before I could fully recover, you hit me with "This time around he repeatedly told me about how fabulous his house was, asked me to move in, offered to pay some bills and asked how soon I thought we could start having the kids God never blessed him with. Hold up, partner! I give good phone, but it’s not THAT good." iQuit you! J/k

Anyway, it IS that hard out there for a Bougienista. Especially if you are quiet and nerdy and shy. Since I'm like that, I know the struggle to find someone of quality who appreciates you for you. Yeah, kneegrows come a calling, but they often are NOT the chosen one.

As for 30 days, I think it is too soon to call it quits, but I definitely understand why she called it a wrap. I have a similar low tolerance for foolishness, and would, if I were dating online, be sorely tempted to deactivate my profile prematurely.

I believe the search for companionship is a marathon, but it is hard when you hit mile 13 and you still haven't been able to locate decent candidates. Makes you feel like the whole thing was a complete waste.

And no, Brian McKnight can NOT hold an intervention. I used to love him, and then he started behaving like he lost his natural mind. I cannot cosign him leading other men (blind leading the blind and all that). Let him keep singing (even though he's fallen off in that area as well) and leave the relationship advice to others more suited for such tasks.

tiffanyinhouston said...

30 days is not nearly long enough. And you can't put your eggs all in one online dating basket. I normally worked 2 sites at a time, in addition to getting my mack on IRL.

Penny said...

Is that what that meant? I was totally clueless, now I am just cracking up.

Michele said...

I'm with @Reads4Pleasure. I did the 30-day challenge last summer. Admittedly, I wasn't really ready to date then (or now) but after 30 days I had had enough of the broken English and just plain inappropriate responses.

CorettaJG said...

Thirty days isn't long enough in my opinion. I'm thinking 3-6 months at least. I was caught up with a automatic renewal and ended up with a profile on eharmony for a year although the last few months I was inactive.

I would say in all that time, I met maybe 6 serious contenders for me and only 1 turned into an ongoing friendship. Meeting him (it's been about 2 years now) was worth my investment even though I don't think he's my future husband.

I say give it another try.

Lady4Real said...

To quote India Arie, "Life is a journey, not a destination". If life is a journey so are the many activities within life which includes dating. Most things take longer than 30 days, shucks a new-hire on a job gets 90 days. When I was single and dating I would give a guy 90-days, after that probationary period we either got serious or kept it moving (a lot of guys got to moving before the 90 days were up so it was a good way of dating for me). Slow and steady wins the race. I think we all move at our own pace and when you are ready things will fall into place (even if you knock them into place yourself). I don't know what the deal is with Cap/Cat Daddies but I wish someone would go get their Dad out the club and set him up or shut them down. I got my eye on my Dad and I be damned if he is the 'Old Dude' in the club, nope, not on my watch. LOL.

Bethany Showell said...

Aw dang - you got them ALL. But no, 30 days isn't enough. Although I feel you on giving it up after 30 days. *wanders off to read a book*

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks Java! And now that I know what he was trying to say I am D.E.A.D.!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

Funny post by @Reads4Pleasure. I do have as suggestion though. DON'T.BE.PASSIVE. Do a search by the criteria you feel is important and initiate contact with 2-3 men who see like the best fit. Like Dr. Jayme said, you have not given this a real shot.

MelaninEnriched said...

I would give a guy 90-days, after that probationary period we either got serious or kept it moving (a lot of guys got to moving before the 90 days were up so it was a good way of dating for me).

This is what I do too. 90 days is plenty time to make a decision either way. It's worked like a charm too because I'm not wasting copious amounts of time on dudes who aren't worth it or on the same page.

In response to the post, this was the story of my online dating life, but throw in the guys with 10 kids, separated or status is "complicated", no ambition, doesn't like to read, learn or do anything. I'd give it 60 days, but I'm not for wasting a lot of time and stuff. I'm tired...online or organically it's exhausting.

MelaninEnriched said...

Sorry, Lady4Real, I meant to quote you.

Moabmu said...

If you EVER write "I swearfoGod I expected him to break out with the J. Anthony Brown ‘watchouttherenow’ at any moment." again without issuing a warning for people reading and eating, you might just 'catch a case'. I almost choked to death because I was laughing so hard! The 'swearfoGod'... priceless!

Thirty days may not be long enough before throwing in the towel. Thirty days only allows for the initial weirdos to surface. Give the process more time and have fun while doing so.

K.lo said...

Oh, I think that 30 days is enough time for some people.

It takes a certain personality to be able to deal with the brutality of an online dating service. With the fake profiles set up by the sites to get you to add on premiums to the service, and the 60 year old men looking for their first taste of choco hot chocolate, and the people desperate for their green cards and that's all before you've had a phone conversation.

Some people meet their spouses at the bar, and some people find bars completely unacceptable. I don't think online dating is any different. Perhaps participating in a site shared interest site like gaming, music or books would be a way to meet someone with similar tastes without the craziness of a match.com type situation.

CaliGirlED said...

Why is that when I saw it written ("swearfoGod") it was funnier than ever hearing it? LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Reads4Pleasure this was a great post! I laughed pretty good this morning, now I'm ready to start working. Well not really, but I'm in a great mood. I too hate when guys (or anyone) "wonts" something. And as for the 61 year old deacon wanting more kids and the CapDaddy wanting you barefoot and pregnant asap, I have no words!

Jasmin said...

"Oh hell yes" to getting the old dudes out of the club. Once a friend and I went to this bar right off-campus that everyone swore by. (Come to think of it, all of those people were White, which should have been my first warning...) Not only were we the only Black girls in there, every 40+ White dude within a 10-mile radius started flocking. One decided to show us his skills by humping some older blonde woman, and we were through. Not only was it a football weekend (I just knew I was looking at somebody's daddy acting a fool), it was a Catholic Uni! Smh...

tiffanyinhouston said...

Totally agree. I know that it goes against the nature of a lot of women, because we are taught to let a man approach us but online dating is somewhat different. Something all it takes is a "wink" to let on a bit of interest. As ladies we do have to be somewhat proactive in all of this, as UPS is not going to deliver your husband to your doorstep. If online dating isn't for you, then you have to get out the house to a coffee shop, bookstore, the bar at your local hangout or something! I have friends who haven't had dates in YEARS. I am serious, in YEARS. WDDDA???

When I was single I went on some good dates, I went on a few BAD dates...but you know what, at least I was going somewhere besides my couch on a Friday night.

SingLikeSassy said...

Ain't no way in hell I could go 4 1/2 years without dating. I *need* companionship, affection, intimacy, male interaction, regular good azz cocoa -- all that! I am not meant to be alone and ain't no amount of movie/TV watching, book reading, music listening, girlfriend get togethers and workouts filling in for that. So once I'm ready in my head, heart and soul, I will be back out there putting in the work to get the love I want. Watch out Bougieland!

I don't think 30 days is enough time to really suss the process and people out. And like someone else said below, don't sit and wait for folks to come to you, click on some of the people you are interested in and let them know you are interested in chatting. That's if you really want to date. You seem content doing the single you.

Lady4Real said...

No problem, glad to know I'm not the only one who practiced the '90-day' probationary period. My friends started calling me the '90-day Legend'. Anyone who made it past day 90 was thought to be 'the one' lol. The One really did make it past 90 days though, I can't even count the days I have known my husband, we've been friends since elementary school.

BB Waite said...

Let us pray - Father God, please let these young folks meet people worthy of their time and attention before they get too weary on the journey. Oh, and get your deacons, Lord. Amen.

Reads4Pleasure said...

Rather than addressing each comment individually, I'll just sum up my responses here.

Yes, 30 days probably isn't long enough and when I have more time for foolishness, I may visit different sites. I was on more than one and the foolishness flowed through both.

Like most of you, I had to say "a ventures person" out loud several times before I figured out what exactly dude was trying to say. He wasn't even the worst offender of butchering the king's English.

For those that suggested that I get out, approach men and be more aggressive, that's not me. It's never been me. It's not because I don't think women should be like that, I just don't have it in me. I'm shy, remember?

4 1/2 years without a date, uh, yeah. In addition to working full time and raising a kid (who's getting out of my house come August! excuse me while I do a little praise dance around my cubicle), I volunteered for years in an organization that had me traveling most weekends and on conference calls most nights, so I honestly didn't realize that I was dateless in St. Louis, I was just busy.

Reads4Pleasure said...

At this point, Roscoe from Martin would be better, lol

OneChele said...

Hold up, cuz I know a Romey-Rome for ya if you're interested ;-)

OneChele said...

Believe me, I used to be a swooning, concert going, banner waving FOOL over BMcK. Then he dumped the wife, started judging Apple Bottoms Jeans contest and fell off. ALL the way off. It hurts my heart. This is what happens when cocoasexy goes bad. Boo.

OneChele said...

We are all making sure "Unc T" stays on lock. No ma'am. I've seen him dance, he's halfway there. ha!

OneChele said...

I'll see if I can get her out on some road dates with me.

OneChele said...

Thank you ma'am.

Leon X said...

I still think the "a ventures person" guy was a venture capitalist. He just didn't express himself clearly.

Reads4Pleasure said...

And I thought we were friends! I'm taking my jacks and my jump rope and going home.

OneChele said...

No Romey? Bruh-man from the fif floor?

William Martin said...

I'm telling y'all - we need a Bougie Match.com to at least weed out the blatantly raggedy and intellect-challenged. C'mon Chele, make it happen!

Grace said...

And I'm so mad I just clicked on that picture to see the larger version. Just fell off my chair.

Reads4Pleasure said...

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will be living in a house with five cats yelling at kids to stay off my lawn in the very near future.

CaliGirlED said...

"...Oh, and get your deacons, Lord. Amen." *dead*

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

This is not encouraging me to stick my digital neck out at all.

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks for that one Grace! HILARIOUS!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Oh no not her!!! LOL

J B said...

Girl, I feel your pain....it's been two years to the month since my last date. And my past forays into meeting potential Mr. Silks have all resulted in similarly nicknamed characters (remind me to tell you about Burger Boob) and equally blogworthy chuckles, but no real success.

After all that mess, I know why you're ready to hide in a book again. We're used to succeeding when we try something. And it typically doesn't take 30 days or longer. If I fell down for thirty days straight after every attempt to stand up and walk, I'd contemplate a life of crawling, too. That's my modus operandi.

But I'm kinda tired of crawling.

And Chele, there's gotta be an award out there for "The perfect blog photo" because you nailed it this time.

PS: You WERE the nerd they were looking for....you just weren't looking for them....and I say "nerd" with full love and affection.

Tazzee said...

Thanks for sharing your online dating trials. I think I experienced all and then some. Most of it was funny to me but I did get offended when I go two peen pics in a week's time from two different guys. Up until that point, I thought that whole texting pics of private parts thing was an urban legend. I subsequently combed my profile and tried to recall my convos with these guys to figure out what made them think it was OK to send me peen pics. After my initial shock and offense, I realized it was them - laughed about it with friends and moved on.

I agree that 30 days isn't long enough but you have to have the stomach to endure the frogs.

J B said...

Besides, you're giving 90 days to someone you want to like.....I'm pretty sure R4P was done in 90 minutes.....

C Nelson said...

Perhaps. But if you can't communicate your own job title, I fear for your love life and your business ventures.

blackprofessor said...

I am with you, Doc, go up to Dallas and convince Chele to make it happen!

BlackButterfly said...

LOL!!! Thank you so much for sharing this.

I knew I wasn't the only one that has been out of the dating scene for a long time (hit the 4 year mark in December2010)! That may seem like a long time to many but to me the time really has flown by because I am raising a kid (3yrs3mos 'til 18... wooh hooh) and there is so much on my plate that I haven't really had time to miss dating. Whenever I have the desire to invest time in dating again I would give online dating a try but I don't think that 30 days gives enough time to see what's out there.

Asada said...

hallelujah!
But really, deacons can't get love these days either!?

Lady4Real said...

Stop pressuring my cousin, lol. Blog, Radio, Books, and family. A BougieMatch.com sounds good but it sounds like so much work, whew.

Lady4Real said...

Dang Cuz you gotta put my Daddy on blast like that, lol. Halfway ain't that right word. I'm telling you I got a tight leash on him, if I let it go he'll be in there like swimwear, lol. Doing it as bougie as he can but there's nothing bougie about the old dude in the club, lol.

Lady4Real said...

sometimes is just takes 60 seconds. I've had it happen before, 1 minute and I was too through

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Hurts my heart but saves my wallet. Some chick stole my BMcK discography and got dropped as a friend immediately. No, we cannot hang and yes I did throw a game party the night of your birthday and no one came to your tacky lil dinner at Applebees. What? Oh, back to your comment.

Anywho, his shiggity basically prevents me from replacing any of his music at this point.

CaliGirlED said...

Not 61 year old ones wanting more children!

Bunni said...

"...Oh, and get your deacons, Lord" I had to poke my head out of lurkerville to say bwahahahahaha!!! Ok, back I go...

Leon X said...

Sister Pleasure:

I feel your pain. I haven't dated in like 2 years. I guess you can say I have an excuse. However, after dealing with cancer for the last two years and the last relationship going as bad as it did. I'm not sure I care much anymore. Some days I'd like to be in a relationship, other days I can't be bothered with the hassle.

OneChele said...

But you have to replace his first album (yeah, I said album - I'm old school) - it's a classic! And I could tell y'all a story about "What we do here..." but I'll hold onto that one for the memoirs. ;-)

Jesse said...

Do you, sis! If you are not feeling it, take your time.

BrendaKay said...

After my one experience with a deacon, I'm steering clear of anyone claiming to be anything more than just a pew seating member of a church.

maureen palmer said...

Amen. Amen.

JohnKinPDX said...

*drops a Benji in the offering plate* Gotta good word today, pastor.

kjnetic aka Peter Parker said...

just cats?

puppies need love too....#justsaying

GammasWorld said...

GREAT post ... I'm so glad you shared your adventures but tell me why did you send Cat Daddy my way today? Yeah he was at the gas station on University holding the door for Gamma telling me to come-on-in-hur my future girlfriend (NOTE: he didn't pay for no gas though LOL).

J. Jackson said...

OK, after reading some of the posts (which were good BTW) about people being out of the dating loop, I have a quick question. What do you say to the person who has never been on a date?

Just to give a little background about myself: I'm a loner and somewhat anti-social by nature (I get it from my father), so when I told my friends how I would spend my weekends (catching up on sleep, grad school is tough!) they would say, "You're 25 years old, what are you doing spending your weekends at home?"

I'm starting to get out of my shell though. I've met some GREAT people at my job who are *determined* to show me the great spots of Charlotte, so that's good.

When I moved from California to North Carolina, people asked me if I ever felt lonely, and for the most part I didn't. It wasn't until I went home during Christmas and seeing all of my friends in relationships (and some starting families) that had me thinking, "Everything is falling into place except for your love life."

Fast forward to New Years day, I remember feeling REALLY alone while I was eating my dinner. That's when I made the decision to try online dating, eHarmony.

I have to be honest and say that i'm not the most diligent person when it comes to relationships. I have the attitude, that the man should come to me because well i'm the prize. My friends have given me the nickname, "Ms. Chilli" because of my list (FYI, it's not that long, I listed it in another post).

Even though I haven't been the most diligent I CAN say that I've encountered some people that I believe may be *touched*. All I can do is shake my head and laugh.

Finally, I've cancelled my eHarmony account last week (I still have a month to go) because I felt it wasn't working, but I am going to take @GrownAzzMan advice and not be passive, hell I paid for the service I might as well get my money's worth!

BrendaKay said...

And did you take him up on the offer? LoL!

William Martin said...

Just dive in and start with basics. Just find someone to share a drink with. Then someone (could be the same person) to go to the movies. Take small steps and manage your expectations. As for the attitude, well - if you pair it with a smile and it's not over the top - so be it. I wouldn't be so quick to give up.

Brneyed1 said...

I wish someone could explain WHY some guys think sending peen pics are the way to go. Seriously, if that's all you got to offer me, push on GymShoe.

Brneyed1 said...

Who said "If you don't try you've already failed" or something like that? Online dating is good for laughs if nothing else (hence every post this week), and isn't any worse than doing it IRL. Who knows? You might just get lucky.

Brneyed1 said...

When I was younger I was very shy, so I can understand the hesitation. How about this: wear something (a pin, a hat, a t-shirt, etc) that gives a person a clue to your interests. They make pretty good conversation starters. Especially if you're wearing them "in season": my Bears t-shirts during football season, my "get your volunteer on" hat during National Volunteer Week, etc.

sol_dier said...

Hey J.Jackson, you said : 'I have the attitude, that the man should come to me because well i'm the prize'

If you are a prize, then the man you are looking for should match you and equally be a prize. :)
If that be the case, then you guys still both gotta get to the 'prize playground' and communicate.
If he has to come to, you also have to go to him.

I tend to look at it this way: if I am worthy, then the man I am looking for is worthy too.
So we must find ourselves some middle ground and be worthy together.

Sol_dier said...

May your strength continue to grow... I can only imagine that dealing with the big C is no joke.
Sending prayers your way...

DSTSusa said...

First let me apologize to Reads4 for not seeing this post yesterday and didn't read it until it hit my inbox at 2am! In all fairness, I have known Reads4 for several years...yes SEVERAL (nuff said on that). I have been there done at as Reads4 can co-sign for me....I even foolishly married mine (total disaster, don't judge me). I have to say I have sworn off dating from on-line and those dating websites seem to bring about the weirdest men I have yet to meet. Thank goodness I went no further than IMs for most, one phone call with another and he still to this day will e-mail and call me from time to time (Whew I need to pay whomever invented caller id, what a jewel!)
Considering I have been online back when AOL took my life savings just to chat for 5-10 mins in an IM (LOL) and I have been to several offline parties, trust me when I say, this seems to bring about the nuts of the world. People (men AND women) hide behind their computer screens and pretend to be whatever they really wanted to be in life. Thirty days might not be enough, but when you have gone thru this several times already, thirty days could be 29 days too many.
Like Reads4, I no longer do the bar/club scene and I am not busy. Most evenings you will find me curled up with my Kindle reading, on AOL chatting with old friends, on FB (Facebook) Twitter or just plain staring into space wondering how in the world did I get here!?!! But it is all good, I am content even though I would have never thought I would be manless at this time of my life. If I meet Mr Right it will not be from online, he needs to be walking in my presence which is very difficult since I am not out and about too much anymore. Unlike Reads4, my children and long gone and my gbaby is 2.5 hrs away.
Let me clear up something before I get bombarded with how many have found their Mr & Mrs Right from online dating, KUDOS to all of them, what I am saying is it NOT for me and I fully understand why Reads4 rolled up her keyboard so soon. Unfortunately these sites can't weed out the nuts.

Blacklily said...

Oh honey I Feel your frustration. I think we've probably met the same losers Lol. I don't know where to meet eligible men..... Why must dating be so hard.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Yea, perhaps. As soon as I'm done with school...or the school pressure eases up a bit. :)

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One Chele said...

Let's be honest - sometimes you don't even need 60 minutes to hit EJECT on somebody.

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