Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 5: Whacktastic!


(Shout out to Corey P, @SpkTruth2Pwr, for gifting me with the "Whacktastic" phrase. Loving it.)

Question: What's worse than a house party of thirty- & forty-somethings trying to relive their twenties?

Answer: A house party of thirty- & forty-somethings trying to relive their twenties with an unlimited supply of hard liquor.

A male friend of mine has asked me every month for the last three months to come to his "Friday Night Throwback Jam" party. I've been resistant but finally found myself out of plausible excuses.

The first hour wasn't bad. Mixing, mingling, a little Babyface, a little Beyonce. Cool. Then somebody put on Bell Biv Devoe's Do Me. The beat still goes hard, I'll give them that. But ur uh, shout out to the dude who skipped into the middle of the dance floor dry humping the air with his drink held over his head living out his Ronnie/Ricky/Mike video fantasy. Unfortunately for him, I had just seen BBD on Late Night with Jimmy and they were killing it (this is the web-only performance of Do Me!):


House party dance floor dude was killing it but in a different (read very, very bad - like homicidal) way. Note to folks who are a legend in their own minds: When a group of people stand and stare at you with a "What are we supposed to do with THAT?" collective look... no bueno.

But more troubling was the fact that BBD Dude did not win the whacktastical prize of the night. The next runner-up was Pam. Her name isn't really Pam. You know that Chris Rock joke in Bigger and Blacker where he's talking about the mother out in the club, "lf the kid calls his grandmamma ''Mommy''... and his mama ''Pam,'' he's going to jail." Okay, so we'll call her Pam because she has three ragamuffin children that seem to always be at grandma's house while Pam is out doing Pam. This night was no different. Pam was systemically hitting on every dude in the house, married or not. If they turned her down, she moved onto the next. Sometimes she circled back around. As the night got longer and the drinks got stronger, she was having more luck. At last glance, she had her hand in the lap of some dude who seemed okay with it.

But the Captain Whacktastic prize goes to this dude... he walked up to me and a group of three other women. Introduced himself as James T. Kirk from the Planet Lovetron. [you can NOT make this stuff up!!] Then he said, "Wondering if any of you ladies would like a ride on my rocket?" 

**crickets**
No. Actually more like...
**the sound of crickets committing suicide because they didn't want to live in a world this corny**

At first we all just hit him with the 'you can't be serious' double eye blink. And then as if on cue, we dissolved into laughter. To his credit, he shrugged and said, "At least you're laughing with me." Then he hitched up his jeans (which were sagging in a very unfortunate way) and walked over to the next group. Um.... #HollaFAIL

Bougieland... Lovetron?! What part of the game is that?! Tell me, do you think he was serious? Like he was really stepping up to bat with Lovetron as his first pitch? Someone help me understand.

41 comments:

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Oh Goodness! I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but it meant fresh bouge on a Sunday BEFORE church! Score for Bougieland!

Ahem, anywho, I don't know what to tell you. I thought that this kind of foolery would disappear when I got older. But know. I have to look forward to Captain Kirk's and Captain don'thaveclue and other masters of #hollafail.

Methinks dude was tipsy, and thought you were drunk enough to fall for that. And yes, dudes are 1000% serious with wack pickup lines. They need to serious heed the advice of mature of bougie women: 1. Be yourself. 2. If circumstances are making you think some extra flavor would help you, see #1.

rozb said...

The BBD Fail dude is probably soaking in some epsom salts after all of that.

"Pam" is probably prying herself out of her Body Magic this morning, unless she had to do the walk of fame and just balled it up in her bag.

Captain Kirk practiced that line in the mirror before deciding that THIS one has the most chance of him at least getting some play.

Sometimes when we re-live those moments we just need to listen to the music, bob our heads a little bit, and then call it a day before it gets embarrassing.

I love fresh Bougieland posts on a weekend!

Natasha Hunter said...

"James T. Kirk from the Planet Lovetron." Oh, you should've called me... I would've came to pick up any one of my uncles who decided to skip the Elks Lodge for the night.

All in all did you have fun though?

GammasWorld said...

Yes. Yes indeed you are making this up. Captain Kirk of the planet Lovetron can ONLY exist in a writer's imagination. There is no way in the year 2011 that somebody actually says this. Bless his heart for thinking you ladies were laughing "with" him LOL.

Cheris Fredricka Hodges said...

I'm really laughing so hard right now.

Leon X said...

There's a reason they call it a "throwback" party. Some of those types of people should be thrown back.

William Martin said...

I'm sorry to say that the uberWhackness of Capt Kirk from Lovetron has probably worked for ole boy before, nobody is that confident with their approach it hasn't been successful at least once. Which is a damn shame.

I think I know Pam. Always in some sort of stretchy, shiny clothing one size too tight. Drinks the hard stuff, smokes black and mild?

You really need to lower your bouge enough to video some of this tomfoolery. I know BBD man was hilarity.

Liselle said...

I don't know what to say about Lovetron. That can't be the best he could do...

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Back from my honeymoon in time to read this shiggity. Chele, it's definitely time for a win.

cocoaeyecandy said...

Did BBD Dude have on the green vest tho...

baileyqc said...

No. Hell no. I'll be back tomorrow.
*hops shuttle to Lovetron*

GrownAzzMan said...

Pam is my homboy's ex-old lady...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

I swear fo God Chele made this sh*t up...CTFU!

J. Jackson said...

Lovetron? Seriously?! Dude would've done better if he started rapping the lines from, "Float On", "Hi, my name is Larry, I like everything and everybody..." LOL. I swear, some dudes try to be unique and come off looking foolish...

David Chase said...

Dude I used to run around with used lines just this effin' corny ("from a land called Sex-a-Lot, do you want to visit?", the women would start laughing and next thing you know...

OneChele said...

There's always one or two thirsty chicks ruining it for the rest of us!

Only the Tall said...

**the sound of crickets committing suicide because they didn't want to live in a world this corny

Thank goodness I have my own office, I just laughed out loudl...LOUDLY! You are too funny! Thank you!

Only the Tall said...

Hilarious!

OneChele said...

Ha! I like the list.

OneChele said...

She was rocking some ill-fitting Spanx.

OneChele said...

I was amused. Which is a good thing.

OneChele said...

I wish I could make this ish up. I'd be on the New York Times' Bestsellers' List and posted up on Oprah talking about - Yes, girl! Lovetron!

OneChele said...

Well, what else can you do?

OneChele said...

You know... now that you mention it...

OneChele said...

Ha! Don't we all know a Pam?

OneChele said...

I'm afraid it probably was.

OneChele said...

Welcome back, married man!

OneChele said...

No. Actually he was dressed a little more Boyz II Men - jeans, button down, cardigan.

OneChele said...

Make sure you book round trip, something tells me you don't want to get stuck on Lovetron.

OneChele said...

I wish, I wish!

OneChele said...

Was Larry the Pisces or the Scorpio? Ha!

OneChele said...

No. Sir!

Jesse said...

That was the BEST. LINE. EVER!

MeetCharlieL said...

Make a movie about this and call it "The Silence of the Crickets"

CorettaJG said...

Lovetron? Really? I'd still be blinking in confusion.

nikki said...

Hilarious!!! Lovetron???

CaliGirlED said...

Welcome back Mr. & Mrs. Skyywalker!

CaliGirlED said...

You just killed it!!! Not Larry! LMAO

CaliGirlED said...

I don't even know what to do with this story!!! Chele you have some interesting friends! He does this EVERY Friday night? LOL

michaeldavis said...

nice Darryl Dawkins reference here (Lovetron). And there is ALWAYS one dude at the party that dances like that.

One Chele said...

Oh, bless Captain Kirk's heart. I would bet anything that that line has worked on some sucker woman before and that's why he thought he could try it again. I don't blame him. I blame the women before y'all that fell for his whacktastic ways.

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