If I had a dime for all the "Friend Zone" questions I receive, I swear I could've bought my Caribbean island and added a rum plantation for kicks. So guess what we're talking about today on Ask a Bougie Chick? Yes, you guessed it...
Let's start with PrettyGirlRock in San Diego -
Hey OneChele!
Really enjoy your blog and I notice you've given out some solid sounding advice on dating and relationships. I recently moved to San Diego and made friends with a great guy. I can tell that there is something else between us but I haven't pursued it because I've been so busy getting settled in with new job, new house, all that stuff. But now that I'm feeling settled, I kinda want to go for it. But I've never been the aggressor, what should I say or do? A grand gesture or note?
Hey there, do you mind if I just call you PGR?
Thanks for visiting the blog. Maybe I'm missing something but why don't you just tell him you're interested in more? If he's not, you're still friends (though it might be awkward for a minute). If he's interested, well - there you go. Good luck and make sure to tell us how it goes ~ OneChele
And next from a gent we'll call DB -
What are the top three things that could land someone in the Friend Zone (that men may miss)? Curious to hear thoughts from a bougie point of view. Don't call me out too bad, don't want to lose my playa card until I settle down.
DB- Ah sir, I never call out folks (unless they really, really ask for it) and besides, this is a good question.
Here are the top three ways you land in the Friend Zone without meaning to:
1) Not stating your intentions (if we don't know you're interested in "that way" we'll assume you're just being friendly and keep it moving)
2) Not bringing the cocoa-sexy vibe. (You really have to make a woman want to be more than your friend. Whatever that thing is that makes us want to see you naked? Yeah that. Find a non-sleazy way to remind a woman that you are a M-A-N.)
3) Taking forever to execute #1 and #2. Nice guys only finish last if they are SLOW. Early bird gets the worm. You see something you want, go after it.
I should also acknowledge that sometimes a woman just may not be feeling you. may not want to be bothered with a relationship at all, or could hate men. These things sometimes happen. That's all I've got. Good luck with the ladies ~ OneChele
BougieLand ~ What advice do you have for PGR and DB? Who is stuck in the Friend Zone right now and trying to get out? Who needs help putting someone IN the Friend Zone? I have an app (okay a speech) for that. The floor is yours...
59 comments:
May I go on and establish that Friend Zone <> Jail, Prison, Gulag, House Arrest.
You do not have the inalienable right to be Felt like that by everyone you feel like that.
Just because you see an egg does not mean you need to load it up with sausage and make an omelette.
(I just realized how gender specific this is and after I finished Self-Congratulating I need to make mention that women need to exercise the same restraint as well.)
David said it well below and I will re-state - Just because you want out the friend zone doesn't mean your friend is ready to let you out. To DB, I think it's great that he asked the question. And of course, you covered it well.
PGR - At a certain age, I believe men approach women as they mean to continue. If he reached out as a friend, that may be where his mind is. But maybe you can change his mind. As Chele said, the direct route is best. Sometimes men don't pick up on innuendo.
DB - Print this list and pass it out amongst your friends. When Bougie chicks speak, men should listen.
Oh and Chele - that's a speech I'd pay to download - I bet it's EPIC.
Agree with #1 wholeheartedly. If you are slow on this account, and it goes unsaid for a date or two you're DONE.
Being in the friend zone is like being in the Game on The Wire. Once you're in it, you're IN IT and there's no getting out of it. You will never roll doubles, your get out of jail free card will never be drawn out of the Chance pile. Just accept your fate and get really good at Taboo and Uno, because that's as far as it's going to go. I'm speaking from experience...and now, I'm really good at Taboo.
Just spit out my coffee on this > Nice guys only finish last if they are SLOW.
PGR -
Like Chele said, just state that you are interested in more. Yes, it's scary, and yes, you may get shot down. But there really isn't any benefit in being in limbo knowing that you'd like something else. Especially since if, because you were focused elsewhere, the man in question might have figured that you weren't interested in him. Open up and see what happens! Best of luck to you :-)
DB:
Once again, Chele's advice is superb. I will add that dating a bunch of trifling women will get you slotted in the friend zone. If a woman doesn't like a bunch of drama, and you are a drama magnet, then we will cut our romantic losses and decide that it's best not to invite your brand of shiggity into our lives.
I have moved a guy out of the friend zone to relationship zone. After a few years of friendship to boot. But I guess I might be the exception.
PGR has to take the bull by the horns and just go for it. As hard as it may be she just has to leap.
DR is like me, always has that friend name attached to me and nothing else. I have to step out my box too to make sure folks know whether or not I am into them, or else I will be alone forever.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
DB - If you are in the Friend Zone and we have seen you perform several (repetitive) acts of doggish heaux shiggity (stole that from Chele!) with other women - you're not getting out of the friend zone. We want no parts of that.
PGR - No grand gestures! I learned the hard way. Lowkey, direct, simple = best.
Me too! How did yours work out? I had to put mine back in the Friend Zone.
Pictionary. I know I'm in the Friend Zone when the Pictionary comes out.
PGR - Just say something! It really isn't as hard as it seems, and if nothing else you will have clarity.
DB - I co-sign on what Chele said! I would add two things: 1) Know what you want. There is nothing sexy about confusion! 2) Act on what you want! One of my biggest turnoffs is men who don't take the lead when they know what they want. If you want more, say and act like it.
@ Andrea M:
Le sigh. The relationship ended. He iced me out because he was going through some serious family issues, didn't tell me about it, and so I took three months of silence as evidence that he was no longer interested. He's back in the friend zone, although I have half a mind to step back and slide him into the associate zone.
don't want to lose my playa card until I settle down.<---- O_o yeah I'm done
Being on the receving end of being moved out of the friend zone, it's an interesting transition. I was completely floored (both times) that either guy was interested in more, but it was nice once I got over the shock. Guy #1 and I didn't work out, but we are great friends still. Guy #2 and I got married and we are not just spouses, but we actually like each other as people and as friends. We have an interest in each other as individuals.
So, to PGR, put your big girl panties on and let ol' boy know. There doesn't have to be some elaborate plan. Just make it casual and think about how you'd want someone to tell you. I agree that simpler is better.
To DB, being "too nice" will land you in the friend zone permanently. Nearly everyone has said that you have to go after what you know you want. This does not excuse being a gentleman or coming at her like a dog in heat. We are simply saying that you should clearly state your intentions.
Just an aside, though, don't use this advice to string along one or several potential good women. Be a playa or settle down. There's no reason to hold on to someone if you're not ready to really be hers and hers alone. Be fair to her/them and give them a true chance to choose. If she says no, then you have an opportunity to re-evaluate your playa-ness. Don't be greedy!
Plenty of women are looking for a playa, but no one likes getting played. Ya dig?
I agree with everything but the word 'sometimes'. We don't do subtle. One thing though, men usually don't need much encouragement to make a move and the fact that he is spending time with her without make one probably means he is not feeling her like that. IJS
My longest relationship to date was with a woman who had me in the Friend Zone (or maybe I had her there?) Anyway, one day she just looked at me and said, "We should be more" and we were for a long time. Until we weren't. We're just now to the place where we're friends again. So I guess what I'm saying is - it's worth it to try.
Can I just add, to DB, don't be the Nice Guy ? By which I mean, don't be that guy who befriends a woman expecting her to feel obligated to date you / dish up the cocoa just because you're being "nice"to her. You know the guy I mean -- the guy who seems supportive until he thinks a woman's guard is down and then he slides in with thinly-veiled demands (and often guilt trips or name calling if she doesn't give in). Behaving like that will get you out of the Friend Zone for sure, but you really may not like where you wind up slotted instead. And if you try step #1 and she's not interested, you do not, for the love of Pete, get to sulk or whine about how nice you are or those losers she dates, not even once, not even after a dozen drinks -- it's not sexy, and it kills any chance you might have had of her deciding you were worth a shot. Don't let her see you do it to another girl, either, 'cause word gets around.
I forgot about Pictionary. that too
For PGR: I don't think most men have 'friend zones'. As Chris Rock said we just have women we haven't 'stirred cocoa' with - yet. If he is really not making a move he may just not be interested.
For DB: Women make the decisions. Our job is to come strong and be ready to keep it moving if the decision doesn't go in our favor.
Yo - I don't believe in "Friend Zones"
Ya either someone I smash or haven't smashed yet or ain't eva gonna smash. That's it.
Either way, I'm cool with it.
Yes sir - either we stirrin' or we ain't - let me know.
"3) Taking forever to execute #1 and #2. Nice guys only finish last if they are SLOW. Early bird gets the worm. You see something you want, go after it."
i don't know about finishing last. before i knew any better i took forever to execute # 1 AND #2. i lost out or so i thought. years later those same chicks were right back. nice guys NEVER finish last. :-)
I'm going to do something with this omelette metaphor. Not sure what but it's worthy.
Thanks
This>>> At a certain age, I believe men approach women as they mean to continue.
It's my experience (at this point) that men that want to date you approach that way.
It really is.
Scrabble?
Well technically the saying is "Nice guys finish last because they let the lady finish first" but I wasn't trying to go all there with it.
Um >>> If a woman doesn't like a bunch of drama, and you are a drama magnet, then we will cut our romantic losses and decide that it's best not to invite your brand of shiggity into our lives. Ouch and true.
Ruh-roh.
Excellent point
Oh my - not repetitive acts of doggish heaux shiggity?! LOL
No Country for Confused Wanna-be S.O.s
Classic!
We dig!
Thanks for sharing!
That's the "hang around" theory. That dude that hangs around waiting for you to notice he's there and say "Oh okay - your turn" = no bueno.
Good point.
Oh my.
Okay then Riley.
Wow, my picker is broke like a mug...i'm seriously down on my luck. I been divorced about 5 months. I swear all i'm interested in are man haters who are in deep denial, playas from the Himalayas ('specially those in their 30's), women that wanna stick you in the friend zone but don't want you to believe that's what's up, and older women that are too old school. Sheesh.
BTW, I've been a lurker on your blog Chele, really enjoy it. I'm stuck in my place here in Atl, for 2 days now. So i've decided to socialize with you all today.
Male or female, what is wrong with being honest? If the person you are interested in is truly a friend, then you have more of an advantage than someone who may start off as a romantic interest. You know the ins and outs of this individual and what they bring to the table, including the baggage. You know Mama-n-em, work issues, ambitions, and the dark side as well as the light. You should know if getting out of the Friend Zone is doable, but stay true to who you are. Make sure that is understood that there are no hard feelings if the feelings aren't mutual, and unless the break-up is particularly harsh and different, you may be able to get back in the Friend Zone without a lot of dents and dings.
If you are a woman and your male friend dates high-maintenance, needy women who look a certain way - and you are not that at all, don't become that. It does not ring true and the qualities that made you a friend then seem disingenuous and can ruin any chance of being a friend again. Stay who you actually are, and you will at least get respect for that. And...in the process of trying to get the romantic attention of your friend, you may find out that he isn't for you, but someone nearby actually is.
If you are a guy, stop lurking! Hoping and praying that the current man fails so you can jump in is obvious and makes you look like the subject of a Lifetime Stalker Movie of the Week villain. Make sure you are not available after every break-up, and let her know that it is not okay to call you at three in the morning because the current boo left her feeling unfulfilled. You are not a doormat, but a friend and she should not get it twisted and respect you.
Sheesh is right. Pardon the analogy but are you fishing in the right pond?
Well let's thank Snowpocalypse 2011 for bringing you out of lurkerdown.
oh my, indeed!! crikey!!!
Well alright then.
Brothers, I'm a little bit like Riley on this one: If you want to date, then ask me out, otherwise I'm thinking you ain't interested. I don't have time to suss out that the time you shoveled the snow for me was a signal that you liked me. Closed mouths don't get fed.
I just recently had a friend (who is a girl) tell me that she had feelings for me for four years and never said anything. I was clueless. Of course she's married to someone else now. Bougieland - WDDDA?!
"Closed mouths don't get fed." This right here is the truth. I second that emotion!
She's got some regrets - kinda like somebody who is always looking for greener grass, but is squatting on some random patch so they don't get left feeling alone. You weren't clueless - she didn't even try to give you a hint, as shown by her ability to date and marry others. Nothing says "Unavailable and Only a Friend" like letting others put rings (and other things) on it.
Tell her - as a friend - to kick rocks and go make her husband happy. There is a certain amount of selfishness that exists when you are married and taking up one man's life and are trying to tether yourself to another one. Makes it hard for the single set to get it right for themselves.
@PGR, I'm with OneChele let him know. You don't want to be 80 y.o and wondering what, coulda , woulda.
@DB, you lost me at "not wanting to lose your playa card" but wanting to get out of friends zone. These two situation are parallel to each other.
I have to wonder what she hoped to gain by telling you at this point. Le Boo!
We're going to need a post on generating the "cocoa-sexy vibe"
Preach Rozb!!!
It was actual kind of mean and selfish of her to bring it up. Too little too late.
Please don't buy into that! I'm saying it's not true. She's selfish! Why bring it up now after she's married? AND, she's letting you know that she may be willing to be disloyal to her husband. So you should be offended because she's put you next on the list!
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