Y'all know I try so hard to keep it light-hearted, polite and bougenificent around this parts and then I get some hot mess like the letter I am rolling out for you today. I just... I can't... why... let me just get on with it.
Today's letter comes from John in Portland. I actually semi-know him, he is a frat brother of a my friend Rose's ex-husband Chad. We met at their wedding years ago. John is 38, handsome, very successful and sorta engaged. You'll see what I mean shortly:
Hi Michele, congrats on the books. You're doing great things on the blog. I've been reading since the very beginning and it's great to see the growth and audience participation. I don't comment but I thought I'd send over a little of my situation to see what you and the rest of BnB thinks.
A few years ago. I met a great girl. Beautiful, professional, Christian, a real sweetheart. I'll call her Pam. After dating for about two years, we got engaged. A month (three months ago) after getting engaged, she told me that she wanted to stop "swirling the cocoa" until the wedding night. Obviously, I wasn't happy but it was only going to be a six month wait so I agreed.
It's been hard (I mean that in every way possible) but bearable. For New Year's Eve weekend, we went away to Cabo. Tequila happened and next thing you know - cocoa time. So (pardon the detail), we're in mid-swirl and things are getting heated when she starts getting vocal with her approval. Unfortunately, right after calling out my name, Pam called out another name. Not mine. I probably should have stopped right there but you know - three months. So we finished and went to sleep.
The next morning over breakfast I asked her who Kevin was. She said without blinking that she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her she called out his name and she said I must have misheard her in the heat of the moment. I kept after her and she said that there is no Kevin. With nothing but a tequila hangover and a blurry idea of what happened, I dropped it. Since then we've been back on regular cocoa. It's better than ever, amazing actually and she hasn't said anything like that again. There's no Kevin at her work or in her cell phone.
I half think I imagined the whole thing. But if I didn't what's the possibility that her calling out someone else's name in bed isn't something I should worry about? I lowkey just don't want to rock the boat but I knew I could count on you to give me a sanity check. What do you think? Am I being played?
Feel free to be brutally honest. -John
Brutal honesty coming right up: Maybe someone in BougieLand will have a different view but from what you've relayed, yessir you are being played... well. Like a fiddle. Make that a Stradivarius. Why do you think she resumed passing out the hot chocolate AND elevated it to "amazing" level? John, she is cocoa-ing you into submission to make sure you are at that altar. If it wasn't for the fact that you are a friend of a friend, I'd have to semi-admire your girl's game.
Please understand what has happened here from the outside looking in. She got the ring but still had a few oats to sow. She's not skanky enough to do you and others (Kevin) at the same time so she put you on cocoa restrictions under the guise of wanting that White Wedding Feeling. But then it was just you and her and top shelf tequila in Mexico. She went with the moment, you are the future husband after all. The moment got hot and she forgot who she was with.
Believe me, a woman in bed calls out 1) The guy she's really into {usually the one that's currently in her!} and 2) Jesus, Lord, Jehovah, God - whichever all-powerful being we pray to and springs to our lips first. What's said in the heat of passion is generally what's real. I was not in an intimate situation when I accidently called one man by another's one name. We were just riding in the car. **crickets** I tried to play it off but the damage was done. Let me introduce you to the following term:
Freudian slip n. A verbal mistake that is thought to reveal a repressed belief, thought, or emotion.
Freudian slip n. A verbal mistake that is thought to reveal a repressed belief, thought, or emotion.
And no sir, you did not imagine that she called out someone else's name. You heard what you heard. And she knew she said it as soon as it flew out of her mouth. But you waited until the next morning to call her on it and she was able to play it off by then.
It's your engagement/relationship/life but - something's rotten in the state of Denmark. Before you say, "I do" make sure she didn't with some dude named Kevin.
BougieLand - what do you think? Fellas - I'd especially like to hear your thoughts on this one. Am I the only one who thinks something's off? Ladies - if the shoe was on the other foot (your man said someone else's name), what would you do? Am I making more of this than it is? Comments, insights and thoughts welcome...
[And yes, this is just part one. We have a follow-up letter from John tomorrow!]
[And yes, this is just part one. We have a follow-up letter from John tomorrow!]
162 comments:
Pretty Simple. If you can get over it Get over it.
If you Can't get over it. Get along, lil Dogie.
Running around here Pretending you have when you haven't is going to be an issue for you.
In some part of the world, it's tomorrow already, right? I'm looking forward to the follow-up. That said, she had the presence of mind to call out John's name first, then Kevin's, so that seems to indicate one has her heart, while the other may have just her body. Since they were mid-swirl at the time, John may fall into the latter category (with the added bonus of being the one promising the ring/ceremony).
It's probably time to ask questions not just about what she may have called out, but where her heart and mind are, too, even if she's only swirling cocoa with John. She wants him to know, that's why she was calling out names at all (keep it generic otherwise).
Let's examine the evidence:
Exhibit A) She stopped wanting to have sex with you 6 months before you were to be married. Red. Flag.
Exhibit B) She called out another man's name in the heat of passion and pulled the Eddie Murphy "It wasn't me" on you the next day.
Did you get played? Like Charlie Daniels can play the fiddle. http://bit.ly/g9eVRV
"That's how you do it, son."
'Chele, I'm going to have to disagree with you. Because I am the queen of letting time pass in between serial monogamy, and I have made this slip. Why? I couldn't even tell you. It surely wasn't because I had been fooling around with anyone else, it wasn't even that I was fantasizing about anyone else, it was just that I did a milder version of that thing both my parents do sometimes where they go down a dozen names, both their children and other people's children, before they get to the right one! Thankfully, my guy had some trust and a great sense of humour, and we spent a lot of time giggling about it instead of him driving us both crazy trying to hunt down who "Terrence" was when the only person I had ever known named Terrence was a bratty kid in my kindergarten class mumpty-mumble years before. Still don't know anyone else named Terrence, for that matter! (It does help when you can go "when would I even have had time to meet someone? If I'm not at work, I'm at home and you can see I'm online, or I'm out with you." I'm a homebody by nature.)
It sounds like you need a bouge investigation. Your lady is a lot more clever than to get the work hookup or use a real name in her phone. Speaking of telephones, how do you know that there aren't any Kevins in her phone anyway? Sure, you're not trusting her right now, but you need to put that out there and get some real answers. Snooping is not becoming for the bougie.
Please, do not get played straight to the altar. Better women will do better.
I think you used the perfect term - Freudian slip, which is always a key to what is really going on!
John, you need to put the wedding on hold and get some clarity. Is this woman really who you think she is? Is she really who she says she is? Even if this was a simple mistake, time will tell the tale so slow things down now. Also, get in some pre-marital counseling if you aren't already.
Hold on Leon! I know couples who decided to abstain before the wedding night for religious reasons even though they had been intimate. It depends on the context as to why it might be a red flag.
I'm surprised at your reply. That is all.
Perhaps they do, but that wasn't the context in which it was presented. And pardon me for being blunt, but abstaining from sex before you're married after having pre-marital sex is the dumbest idea I ever heard.
K, Bougie-confession time. I have called out the wrong name before. It was after a painful heartbreak and I was still hung up on my ex, so the next beau had the misfortune of hearing a different name cross my lips.
Here are my thoughts, in no particular order.
1. In name slips, you say the "slip" first and then the correction. She said John, then Kevin. She has definitely been with a Kevin that rocked her world and the tequila was making her think she was with him and not you.
2. There was likely overlap between you and Kevin making cocoa with this woman, hence the confusion.
3. You are the "good dude", so she may have held back in the cocoa department because she was trying to get that ring. Men say they want a freak in the sheets, but we all know that men operate on the principle of 'enough': pretty enough, successful enough, smart enough, freaky enough... etc. etc. and so forth. Of all of my friends, the ones who got married toned themselves down and their husbands never knew that their lovely little wives can both change a tire and put sprite cans in their mouths. (I apologize for tipping on the line of Bouge Miss 'Chele).
4. She is likely going all out in the cocoa department now not only to make sure you are at the altar, but also to enjoy something that she never knew she could have with you. See #3.
Whew, I typed a lot and maintained a level of civility when all I really wanted to type was heauxs stay winning.
He should ask her for a cocoa-break. I bet that will get her attention. Though I do not condone game playing, I think that actually stepping away from the cocoa for a while could help both of them decide what they really want...a pause on the wedding plans, a chance to come clean, a break up or a renewed committment to each other. Sex complicates things so much sometimes!
If she really is innocent, they will both have time to regroup and talk about any underlying trust or fidelity concerns either of them have. Perhaps she is afraid of marriage, perhaps she needed to get one more fling on before being committed to one spoon for the rest of her life.
If she's tippin around, it will be good to get the truth out in the open so they can both get tested and avoid the messiness of divorce, questionable paternity, etc.
So many variables here and I agree with bkbisous...more bougie investigative work is needed here.
I'm horrible with names, I will come back home and call S.O (when I had one), Paul, Lance etc depending on my last converstation and will do the same thing in the office. This will happen with my girlfriends. With that said though, something about this scenario that spells danger. Do not ignore you instinct, I suggest get to the bottom of it otherwise it will bother you for a long time.
case in point, my cousin experienced the same situation over the holidays. Her man called her a different name mid-swirl and turned out brother man had a side piece
Your doubts are eventually going to manifest in one way or another, whether you try to get revenge, or you call her out of her name in some Tourette's Syndrome fashion.
For future reference, if you are double-dealing out the cocoa (which I do not condone unless everybody knows and agrees), it's best to just stick with calling everybody Baby. Just some well-placed "Oh Baby" moans, and one or two high-pitched squeals when you are really feeling it may be all that you need. It helps to be really feeling it - no need to try to be Oscar-worthy and faking the funk.
But please do not ask "Who's cocoa is this?!?!" You might not like the answer. Just sayin'...
Spot on. ANytime your partener says let's stopping stirring cocoa, they are making it with someone else. Doesn't matter if you are male or female. I too have said the wrong name, in fact it was the name of our mutual friend, who I loved stirring cocoa with. Um and his soon to be wifey should just say baby then you never have to worry about name slips. Oh Johny John John, you are sooo being played.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
If you are already having sex aren't you well past the "I am not have sex for religious reasons"?
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
John. Playboy - don't get it twisted. Girly calling out other dude's name is NOT good. For whatever reason.If you aren't the only guy in her head at that "special" time - something ain't right. You ignore it if you want to but uh.... Hope you have a refund policy on that ring.
The worst thing is that she's got him thinking he didn't hear what he heard. I would be more inclined to not trip if she said Kevin was the name of a character in a book she was reading. SOMETHING besides trying the Jedi Mind Trick. Nah son - something ain't right.
The fact that she wanted to press pause on the cocoa - I get. But her first time back in the saddle and she's calling out wrong names? No bueno. I can't wait for part two, please let it be some sort of explanation for part one.
What is Surprising?
Argument are being made about being forgetful. I. DON'T. BUY. IT. Not even at a discount. Not even half off. Not even 75% off.
This other person is clearly someone she has had relations with. That much is clear. You need to find out the particulars. It's also highly dubious (shout out to Orson Welles as Unicron) that the relations have resumed after this incident. If your gut is saying the milk ain't clean, then the milk ain't clean. It could be the reptilian part of your brain protecting you.
Someone also said if you have doubts, then walk. No need marrying someone you do not trust. As we learned this past weekend, life is short. Live the one that you want.
I assumed that 99% of the dudes would cry foul and tell the man to leave. But, you know they say when you make assumptions, you make an arse out of you and umptions.
I am 40 years old and my mother STILL calls me by my brother's name.
Either that stuff is gonna resonate with you or not.
If you Layin with ole girl, you should know if shes running game or not.
And if you marrying her, you should have a precise estimation of just how much of her game you can tolerate.
I am 40 years old and my mother STILL calls me by my brother's name.
Either that stuff is gonna resonate with you or not.
If you Layin with ole girl, you should know if shes running game or not.
And if you marrying her, you should have a precise estimation of just how much of her game you can tolerate
Calling out another man's name may not mean she is swirling the cocoa with someone else, but she may be spending time with someone else, connecting with someone else or growing very close to someone else. I'll be perfectly honest, toward the end of my previous marriage I found myself falling back in love with my oldest son's dad and would have to catch myself from calling my husband his name just in conversation because he was on my mind that much. We weren't swirling cocoa, exchanging kisses or touching but we were talking a lot and he was there for me whenever I needed him to be and that kept him on my mind and on the tip of my tongue. She may or may not be swirling but she is having some kind of connection with Kevin that needs to be addressed. Get counseling, hold off on the nuptials, and see if this is where she wants to be and where you want to be before you say I wanna be for eternity.
I gotta disagree with you Sun. When I was younger I was cocoa active but I was also raised in a Christian home and I would feel guilty about stirring cocoa and would tell my boyfriend that I wanted to stop. As an adult I would get into a relationship, stir cocoa and then decided I wanted to stop and evaluate our relationship and see if they deserved or appreciated my cocoa. I've never put the breaks on stirring because I wanted to stir with someone else, I just felt guilty and wanted to stop.
It happens, people may have started out their relationship as a non-practicing Christian and then start going back to church, feel guilty about what they are doing and want to make a change in hopes of gaining forgiveness from God and doing it right this time. It's head turning but it happens.
"some well-placed "Oh Baby" moans, and one or two high-pitched squeals when you are really feeling it may be all that you need. It helps to be really feeling it - no need to try to be Oscar-worthy and faking the funk." I C.A.N.T *DEAD*
no room for tantra?
make it simple.
There's trust issues now. So either seek counselling or something.
(I don't know what to think)
See, I'm aware of situations like this as well. Doesn't sound suspicious to me on its face that she stopped stirring before the wedding. Also, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt unless I have reason to think otherwise. The idea of calling the wrong name in conversation is one thing. I've done that and/or caught myself just before doing that on more than one occasion. Calling the wrong name while stirring cocoa would lead me to do some more investigating as well. It's not per se guilty, but a rebuttable presumption.
I definitely think the wedding needs to be put on hold and some serious talking and couples couseling needs to commence.
So you can unring a bell? Ok, moving on...
THIS.
I agree with most of what you said except the enough part. Who are these men who are marrying these 'toned down' women and why are they messing it up for all of us. Grown men what the totality of what you have to offer and if they can't handle it then those are not the ones you want to marry! Unless its only about the ring of course.
*DEAD* at refund policy...
Pretty much everything I would want to say has been said so I will just add, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's not a mongoose. Ink said it best. Decide if you can deal with it. If you can stay, if not step.
Thus endeth the lesson.
LOL, my mother calls me by my ALL of my siblings' names, even the boys.
It's not so much of the misspoken name, it's the misspoken name during ccocoa games.
As for the rest of your comment, I totally agree. You know what you are dealing with, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.
I have to agree w/Chele 110%. She quickly started the Cocoa back once she was caught! don't fall for the "banana in the tailpipe" dude you are being played like lotto. I could even see if the names were similar "John/Kevin" nope, no getting those 2 confused. I had that happen to me a longtime ago, and our names sounded similar although distinctly different (i.e. Tina/Nina) see where I'm comming from? You know what you heard just as I did. Kevin is before the marriage, I can almost bet he will
around during and after the marriage. You really need to re-think this one.
2011 is my absolutely, positively my "NO BULL.SHIGGITY" year. As a woman in her 40's, I'll say he should NOT be getting married to this young lady, or even continue in this farce of a relationship. It is high-time for EVERYONE to stop making and accepting excuses in relationships. It is also time to STOP wasting your time and the time of others. BE the best person you can be and accept nothing LESS than the best from others...
Also, some of the comments were VERY disappointing, especially from the women making excuses and advocating game...REALLY ladies? Yet we complain about the quality and sincerity of men....*smdh*
Sorry Chele .. I forgot to say that I concur 100% with EVERY.SINGLE.THING. you said.
NO you can NOT unring a bell (I know it was rhetorical) and making the decision to abstain from sex, till after the wedding when done in the correct spirit is a MUTUAL decision. Her choice to make a broad and important decision for her relationship independent of her future husband, is a MAJOR problem and raises another red flag.
i had an ex-girlfriend call me by another man's name during an argument. with that said she's my EX-girlfriend. come to find out she was sleeping with him while we were dating. well technically she broke up with me for two weeks then slept with him then got back. smh dude you are being played. i wouldn't have dropped that conversation so easily.
daaaaaamn! we BETTER get the resolution on this. and he need to check facebook while he's checking devices.....
Don't people repent and change their ways? Just because they started out doing something they thought was wrong does not mean they have to continue doing wrong. They can get back up on a new day doing things in what they consider the right way.
My name is Riley. Ri-Ley. If I'm smashing and chick call me John, I'm done son.
The future Mrs. John is f**king Kevin. Or she want to. Real bad.
*whispers* Get out while ya can. Run towards the river and cut left at the lantern. Run, boy.
I agree with what Ms. Williams said. Just like we tell women, men shouldn't settle. And with this lady, you'd be settling.
Hell no. I can't.
As if needed, 1 MORE reason I love Riley! Perfectly stated...
This boy said "Run towards the river and cut left at the lantern" Harriet waiting on the other side to take him to freedom? HA!
For all the sisters trying to make this sound like it's okay - please tell me what you would do if you were swirling your best cocoa and YOUR man called out some other woman's name? Brother would not get one more stir of his spoon. C'mon now.
It is as some of the other fellas have said, if John wants to overlook the fact that something shady is going on (in his bed) then he should be all means marry old girl. But (sorry Chele, it has to be said), I wouldn't be riding your new bride bareback. Just sayin'
Deal with it now or pay for it later. Trust is important! You are creating a unnecessarily miserable situation for yourself if you choose to say 'I Do' and there is doubt about trusting the individual. I have NEVER heard someone call out another persons name during the cocoa and if I did... Cocoa would be scorched and all I could do is throw it out!
I am loving Riley for this ---> "Run towards the river and cut left at the lantern. Run, boy."
Don't truss it. I wish I could attach the video.
I got you, TIH and COSIGN!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=am9BqZ6eA5c
Lord, have mercy! LOL!
Bougie always has your back! Thanks! :)
The fact that you checked her cell phone and wrote this letter tells me that you already know what's up, John. You already know. If you're just looking for a cosign - consider this a "WARNING - DANGER AHEAD" sign from BnB to you
Oh BTW - On point answers, Chele. I know you say you're not a relationship expert (I caught last night's rant on Twitter) but uh, you play one on the blogosphere. BWAHAHA!
*letting myself out of BougieLand*
It happens! I have known couples who while going through pre-marital counseling decided to take a purity pledge and wait till the wedding night, even though they already had sex.
I see y'all went ALL the way today. I won't be able to respond to everybody like I normally do but let me dive in and get started.
I don't understand the comments of people trying to make excuses for Pam. I mean is black love so hard to find that we'll put up with ANY damn thing to mark it work? This is what we call a RED FLAG. RED means STOP.
dayuumm your being played lovely. She's made her plans, your mister happy ending and your going to the altar, keving is mister right now, and the minute she realized she was about to be caught she put it on you to shut you up. yeah i would walk away now, because if she is willing to lie to you NOW she's going to lie to you the rest of the marriage. RUN don't walk away from her, girls like her make me sick
Agreed, Inky. My Mom calls me by my sister's name all the time. I'm cool with that. They start with the same letter, have the same syllables, same numbers of letters in them - I get it.
If John were the type of guy to gloss over things or turn a blind eye for the sake of the bigger picture, I'd say - go head on. He's kinda not. But like you said, some folks are familiar and okay with the games their S/O play.
that seems to indicate one has her heart, while the other may have just her body
That's kind of deep, I hadn't thought about it.
Paging Dr. Jayme. Seriously, I just called her and asked her to weigh in on the cocoa, no cocoa thing.
You called out Terrence's name while "in the throes" with another guy and he was okay with it? Hmm, that is interesting.
*fist bump* He needs beyond a bouge investigation. This is a bouge intervention!
My thoughts were that they have all the time in the world - no need to rush the marriage now, especially not with this cloud of suspicion floating around.
Po thang! My ex-husband called me by another name when we were in the middle of a very heated argument. It doesn't matter when it happens, but when it happens it needs to be investigated not ignored. Dig deeper John. Dig deeper.
uhmmm did we not just have the discussion about intimacy levels, and we all know (especially for women) if a man has us hooked by the mind then its worse than cocoa swirling, cocoa is cocoa you can get that anywhere, feelings however are more intimate and more than just lying to your partner, it's full on cheating. you have given up your feelings to someone else,
All the "wild child" girlfriends I knew in college either found Jesus or became celibate prior to getting married. Not sure why that is.
I would agree and say counseling is needed at the VERY least.
Wanting to take a cocoa break before marriage - BAD
Calling out another name after reneging on said coca break - WORSE
Both these thing put together AND tryin to play it off like it never happened?!? - UGLY
I'm with Riley - Run, boy
It's context. Missing up a name when you're multi-tasking is one thing. Mid-swirl? Problematic.
why just why would you make me start the new year by catching a case for beating your head in??? why ??
So far, I've had 22 emails, tweets and texts from the ladies telling me they only use "Baby, Studmuffin, Love Stallion" in bed. Okay, I made up the Love Stallion part. Just making sure y'all are paying attention. ;-)
But I agree. All that's needed are a few, "Right there, that's so good, please baby please don't stops." You say more than that, you are saying too much.
Not THAT's a whole other post...
*snickers*
Not the Jedi Mind Trick?!
Not even on the clearance rack? HA!
Agree- Someone else is definitely on her mind.
I agree, Chele, we tend to blurt out names (even cutesy pet names) of 1) those who are on our mind at the time and or 2) evoke some level of passion (whether in the past or currently). This is a delicate situation, so I need more of the deets, looking forward to the follow-up.
Exactly.
Why is the childhood game of "Duck, Duck, Goose" in my head now? Arrgh.
That was my thing. No cocoa, no cocoa, get caught saying someone's name during cocoa and now it's a full faucet of running hot cocoa? No ma'am.
ahh man too much, i hit reload just so I could see what you had to say."whispers* Get out while ya can. Run towards the river and cut left at the lantern. Run, boy.<~~~ dead
Brother would not get one more stir of his spoon. C'mon now. <~~~~ THANK YOU, there are NO excuses for that mess, if you wouldn't accept then there is no reason for him to swallow that shiggity, no matter how nice the spoon is.
Let me get clinical -
Le Cocoa is many things - an expression of love, an outlet for stress, a physical release, a way to while away time, and unfortunately a manipulative tool or weapon.
In my opinion, Pam is using Le Cocoa as a manipulative tool. She wanted John in a waiting pattern so that he would highly anticipate their wedding day, so she withheld it. Now she needs him "in her thrall" as they used to say so she's pouring it on.
The timing is suspect.
As for couples who are cocoa-riffic and then press pause. From a therapist's standpoint - this rarely works effectively. Especially if they were stirring hot bubbly cocoa to begin with. If you take it away, yes they will work on the other things they need do but you don't get the opportunity to know if they really wanted to to work on those things or just wanted to get back to the chocolate. Kinda like telling kids they can have dessert if they finish their vegetables. They'll never like broccoli but will fork it down grudgingly to get to the goodies.
The need for Le Cocoa is hardwired physically in humans. Like oxygen, water, food and love. So though people take it likely, where you chose to get that physical need fulfilled is pretty important.
As for the Freudian Slip (and damn right it was) - it always means something. It's just up to John to figure out what. He can reach me at JaymeC09@yahoo.com - just in case.
Okay, sorry for teaching class today. This one struck a nerve.
I agree with your analysis of the situation. Your friend could go ahead and marry her, but a couple, five, or ten years down the line, he is going to be dealing with more infidelity and wondering why he didn't pay attention the first time and not waste those years of his life. The worst part of it seems to me the fact that she feels like your friend is not smart enough to realize what is going on. She doesn't RESPECT him even enough to tell the truth. Nope. Nope. Nope. This is a recipe for misery and regret.
"No Shiggity in '11" I feel you on that.
Oh wow! No she didn't pull the "We were on a break" card.
Okay?!
he's thinking he's in the clear now, if he mess up, he can just throw it back on her , just my opinion
I sure did. We both stopped dead, I said "Oh good Lord, who the hell is Terrence? Sorry, love!" and then it got too funny and I started giggling. He quickly followed suit. What's *not* like your girl above is: we weren't getting married, I didn't deny saying it, I didn't act guilty, and he had no *other* reasons to doubt me ('cause, like I said, when would I have had the time? Small child and full-time work meant I barely had time for one man as it was.) It was just one of those tip of the tongue moments, and it was obvious that was all it was.
I'm going to burn sage and throw holy water for that "bareback" comment. Moving on...
Not "scorched"! LOL
Le Boo, sir.
Interesting. Might blog about it - How thirsty are we?
Let me translate - She's killing the game for the rest of us. ;-)
Oooo. I notice that husband has "ex" in front of it.
Thanks Jayme, I knew you could dissect some of this for me.
the difference between you and our specimen for the day is that you 'fessed up to it and kept it moving. She didn't even acknowledge it happened! Now THAT is suspect
My former girlfriend called my Jeremy at the wrong. damn. time. Those of us with simple one syllable names "Rob" "John" "Dan" always know when something else is said. I was out, dressed and gone before the explanation came out of her mouth. It wasn't okay. Slip or not.
In point of fact, it's happened. And I went "who's she?" He turned bright red, mumbled something about a girl at work, and then capped it with "it was just once." I gave him plenty more chances to make it more than just once without me in the picture. It's not (just) about calling someone else's name, it's about *why* you called someone else's name, and what you do after. I called a name where I didn't *know* anybody with that name. If I'd called him by the name of someone we actually knew, I would expect a different outcome. ;)
as long as the person she assigned to the body knows and is ok with the decision its cool.
Otherwise, release them and let them find someone willing to give their heart.
There's a whole lot of backstory I'm sure we're missing. "Tequila happened"? Do they live together? Why was he checking her cell phone? Why was she withholding cocoa pre-Cabo and now handing it out with double scoops? Before everyone gets hung up on the "Say my name" part - there's a lot of other things to give a wary side-eye to.
There's all manner of questionable ratchetery that I would put up with in my twenties. Sitting at 34 - heckie no. Sometimes (like you said in one of your New Years posts) we just want that happy ending, chosing to ignore all the crap we see on the way there. This has slippery slope written all over it.
I may get tossed out of BougieLand for this answer but here goes:
There's supposed to be an intimacy when you are sliding deep inside the woman you are going to marry. There's a bond beyond the booty. It's supposed to be the gold standard of cocoa. That's your cocoa for ever more, no one else can taste or touch or get close enough to dream about it. Bringing someone else into that moment? Falls into what Chele calls the 'I wish a muthaf**** would' files.
Imma go take a shower now.
Stay tuned...
This comment? PRICELESS ;-)
Excellent point.
Yeaaaah. Je-re-my. Rob. Not even close.
Hi everyone,
lurker but never commented before...until now.
John I am sorry that you have to go through this so far into the relationship. Everything that could be said has pretty much been said so I will add to it a bit:
1. Some people are saying that they slipped the same way your girl did, but the difference is that it was an innocent mistake in those cases; how do I know? they 'fessed up and talked about it (even laughed about it) afterwards. Your girl? avoided it at all costs - she even went so far as to prepare herself to lie to you with a straight face! That much effort shows the level of deceit she is capable of, and the level of desperation she it at, trying to keep the slip from turning into something bigger.
2. Some are also saying that they have stopped stirring cocoa mid-relationship for A or B reasons. Again how is your situation different? It didn't take a suspect situation to stir it back up. If she was really committed to abstinence then she would have had a talk about getting back to no cocoa after a drunken slip. But it seems like it doesn't mean a lot to her if all it takes is a little tequila (assuming she is innocent); or a sticky situation making her feel guilty. She is using the cocoa to keep you content and distracted from the real issue.
3. Knowing what type of situation you are in is easy. You may want to check the real reason why you wrote in; is it because you know you were right and needed courage to boogie out? Did you want someone to dispel your suspicions? In other words, are you ready to leave and save yourself?
Wow, super long for a first timer.
What she said. x2
Did it get hot in here?!
Welcome out of LurkerLand - good stuff!
Jayme rocks. Hard.
Haven't read all the comments yet (work got in the way!) but there is waaaayyyy more to this story...he looked through her phone? Wow...
Sooo, this is going to sound kind of shallow on my part buutttt, since you know some people in Portland you really may just drop into our city on your book tour.
A classic.
Man, listen. Once with my ex, I was introducing her to some folks and I paused for half a beat over her name. Like, "Everyone this is S-... Sara." I paused because I always called her Sweet Thang and I didn't want to introduce her as such. That two second pause caused me MUCH grief. She was positive I was cheated and almost called her by my other girl's name. Turned out she wasn't such a Sweet Thang after all.
Ri-Ley for FTMFW!
Because your word association memory is hilarious.
Write it! Write it! I can see it now - No Country for Tantric Cocoa - HA!
That whole "Whose is this?" is a recipe for disaster. There's no good answer unless she moans out, "Yours, big daddy." And then really - what did you prove?
Love Stallion?
THIS. RIGHT. HERE. ^
Straight stupid.
Look at you - slick, very slick ;-) I'm am thinking of adding Portland and Sea-Tac when I'm in the Bay Area.
You see I said 'previous' marriage. I got a divorce, reconnected with my sons dad and now I can say his name all day everyday whenever I want because we got hitched in July. One day the cocoa shuts down and what you have without cocoa is what's gonna get you through. I need to be able to laugh, joke, talk, hang out and be best friends with the person I'm spending the rest of my life with. I married my ex-husband without having any of those things and that's why he is my ex-husband. John needs to get counseling or get a U-haul because either way something ain't right.
wrong name during swirl means swirl shut down and lock down. I wish a ninja would, I'm with aishao, I'm a need bail money.
Very.
I like "ratchetery."
Wow that makes sense.
I don't know what I would do in that situation. But there are quite of number of things to be concerned about.
Go Steve!
I have to agree, Deb.
Not much rhymes with Jasmin, and I've never had a guy call me the wrong name in the "throes", though I have almost called my friend Chris "Steve" (my boyfriend's name) a time or two, usually when I was talking about him (Steve, that is). That said, I was side-eying Pam's blatant manipulation before I even got to the John/Kevin fiasco. If 2 people agree to no cocoa before nuptials for whatever reason--do you. But I bet if he had said it, she would've been all, "Who you sleeping with if it ain't me?" Maybe she could've gotten the benefit of the doubt if she had admitted it, but trying to cover it up with some hemming and hawing is just shady.
Here's an awkward scenario - When I was doing a show in Canada, they had all of the cast in a tiny hotel with then walls. I was next door to this guy that I had been flirting back and forth with a little but he was involved with someone else. His girlfriend came up to visit one weekend and they were celebrating the cocoa when he screams out "Yes Joy yes!" Ooops. I am Joy, his girl's name was Sandra. No bueno. I heard the unmistakable sound of her smacking the shiggity out of him and a few minutes later she stormed out slamming doors and dragging suitcase. Like I said - walls were thin! I hear his shower running and five minutes later he knocked on my door. AWKWARD.
So uh yeah - I'd double check that name she screamed.
I would have said six months.....
Wait, wait, wait - what happened after he knocked on your door?! Story was just getting good!
Cancel the hall, sir. Nobody deserves this. Even if she is not cheating, she was fantasizing about being with someone else. If a woman is into you, there is no mistaken "name-calling". You KNOW exactly who is stirring the cocoa, and you are not calling out to nobody but that person, and maybe the Lord. The fact that no discussion was offered for this offense and she tried to distract you by reinstating your priviledges is real "stinky". I say, get the "Midnight Train to Georgia" and don't look back.
Am I wrong for answering 'Mine'? That's always how I've handled it...
Exactly my response too.....if I can form coherent words ;)
STEVE for President of ??????? *hmpf, Imma find something for him to run*
that's what I said, kevin got her hook line and sinker, John's an ex he just doesn't know it yet.
I'mma keep it short.
Boot. Butt. Now!
Get OUT while the getting is good! I have been here, done this and you can tattoo "PLAYED" on my forehead. I don't care if she's churned the cocoa like Jenna Jamison's ghetto play cousin - Get. Out. Now.
He obviously didn't believe her because he went through her phone after she denied it and then wrote BnB about it. That alone is enough to call off a wedding. Doubting your partner now will only get worse in holy matrimony. I hope he doesn't do what I've seen several do...get married in spite of the red flags. He should save himself the pain now and get to stepping.
Since no one else asked it, I will - What part of the game is this?!
Even at buy 1, get 4 free - No sir.
BTW - the Like Button is ackin' up again.
No you didn't say "churned the cocoa"
Done.
Even better if a woman wrote into BnB and said her man said some other woman's name, we'd have been screaming at her to leave with skidmarks and not look back.
I know. Beyond my control - DISQUS is gangsta. Works when and how it feels like.
Great stuff Dr.Jayme. *taking notes*
THIS.RIGHT.HERE! "*whispers* Get out while ya can. Run towards the river and cut left at the lantern. Run, boy."
I was willing to give Pam the benefit of the doubt until I read that she ramped up the cocoa-making to full steam. She knows full well what she did and is trying to sidetrack you.
Don't fall for the okey-doke. Just walk away.
I was willing to give Pam the benefit of the doubt until I read that she ramped up the cocoa-making to full steam. She knows full well what she did and is trying to sidetrack you.
Don't fall for the okey-doke. Just walk away.
I agree sounds like girl is playing him like a pro. I kind of envy the game. Seriously, he should really check the girl before he makes the life long commitment to marry her.
Ok John, you need to reread what you said to Bougie Land again...ole girl is givin up the panties to Kevin. Had I been you in that situation, I woulda stopped in mid stroke, put on my clothes, and got back on the first thing flying and never spoke to miss "Pam" again. It's quite clear, this broad played you like a symphony at the opera house with the withholding the goods for 6 months thing. And if she was any more of a woman, there would have been no way she would "slip" up and give up the ass after drinking. That's where she messed up...she waited just as good to get drunk and drop the panties. No consistency whatsoever. I don't care how drunk I am, I'm gonna be aware of the fact that if I were to put a dude on pussy withdrawal, that wouldn't change.
"Pam" let Kevin hit it...point blank. And if I were you, I would go beyond scratching the surface of asking who he is, and digging in a cell phone. I would go incognegro and start asking friends, cousins, coworkers, etc. who that Kevin person is. And if all else fails, I would go cold trail and not ask no more, and just let it come out on it's own again. But as far as a wedding is concerned, CANCEL IT LIKE A STOLEN CREDIT CARD! Get your deposits back, hold off on the nuptials. It's obvious if she's capable of lying now, she's bound to lie about a whole bunch of other shit, like "the baby is yours", claiming an unknown cousin that was locked up, etc. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE, JOHN. That hoe played you.
UMMMMM You nailed it.. co - sign... ol boy is getting PLAYED...
Any chance of Denver being added to the booktour? The "Tattered Cover" bookstore in the heart of Cherry Creek, is renowned for hosting visiting authors. So you should definitely included the great state of Colorado on your itinerary. :-)
Freudian slip n. A verbal mistake that is thought to reveal a repressed belief, thought, or emotion.
Spot on B'n'B!
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