Wednesday, March 31, 2010

eHarmony Reset - The DisHarmony of eHarmony (Pt1)

Originally posted in July of 2009. Still sad but true

Bougie is too beautiful not to share. Therefore, after my last relationship fizzled (imploded) eighteen months ago, I decided hey - let's give this thing a try. I work from home, frequently watch church on the internet, hate the clubs and have a treadmill in my living room- if I was going to meet Mr. OneChele, I was going to need some Cyber-Assistance.

The commercial said that as long as I was honest and gave it a little time, eHarmony would match 29 dimensions of the wonderfulness that makes me ME and find someone just perfect, chemistry and all for little ole me. How excellent is that? I key in the truth about me and an algorithm way smarter than me finds my perfect mate for the low, low price of $24 (approx.) a month. SCORE! I spent more on Guatamalan coffee beans monthly. I was all in.

I took the surveys, went through my aptitude and character analyis results and punched in my preferences. Tall, Age appropriate, African American, within driving distance, smart, sexy, creative, employed, ambitious, educated, loves sports, Neo-Soul, mafia movies and me! How hard could it be?

I hit the "Find Matches" and awaited my true heart's desire. There are no matches that meet your criteria. Please try again. This was followed by a few paragraphs explaining to me that my criteria was too strict. Huh... sounded like eHarmony wanted me to lower my standards, to settle! Okay, issues... issues. I tried again. Less specific and broader, widened the geography. There are no matches that meet your criteria at this time. Please allow us 24 hours to find your matches. Oooo-kay. And here's what came next.

  1. Seriously? I received 42 matches within the next 36 hours. Of the 42, 12 could not spell, type, utilize basic grammar or understand the basic rules of capitalization. Any gentleman over the age of 35 who describes himself as "2 good 2 B true. Jist waitin on ma qween"... he's not bouge worthy. Note to fellas who hop on these boards, when sharing about yourself, do not respond in ALL CAPS: I HATE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET TO KNOW ME... literary fail, gents. Literary Fail.

  2. 7 of the men were under 5'10". Yes, I'm shallow but in heels I'm 5'10, 5'11 myself. It's my world people, don't judge me... NEXT

  3. In the section titled, "What can you not live without," one fella listed his gun and pitbull. SECURITY TO THE VIP ROOM PLEASE!

  4. There were six gentlemen that I really could not understand how I ended matched with them. Which of the 29 dimensions said I was down for camping, fishing, WWE, monster trucks or rock collecting? My idea of camping means staying at the Holiday Inn instead of the Four Seasons... CLICK and DELETE.

  5. Two of the men were too far away to be reasonable... Alaska and Guam. Alaska is... Alaska. I get cranky when the temperature goes below 40. Guam I had to google... hey, it's been a long time since 8th grade Geography ya'll.

  6. Four were only there for the "Free Communication Weekend" and needed me to provide my phone number, email, twitter, facebook, cell immediately. Can you say STALKER? I know I can. Onward we go.

  7. This left eight gentlemen. I sent over my first series of questions and eagerly awaited the feedback.

Here is where I will pause for the cause and sniffle for the good old days. You got dressed up, you went somewhere, saw someone and they saw you. Circled like Serengeti lions around the watering hole before one of you closed in. You flung your hair and smiled, he smiled back. Conversation flowed, sparks ignited and phone numbers got exhanged. Date one, date two, date three, date four and you're in a relationship.

For those of you dying to hear the rest of the eHarmony tails of BougieFail, they can be found here.

Does anyone else think relationships have gone too high tech with the texting and the facebooking and cyberstalking? Are you experiencing success in Dateland 2.0? Share a thought or a story.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In case you missed it: How Bougie is THIS?

Originally posted in August of 2009. Still relevant. Ya gotta love the Wheel of Bougie!

We've had spirited discussions surrounding the definition of bouge; we've looked at the good, the bad and the ugly. So now let's play a game… [jeopardy! music starts in the background] How Bougie is THIS? (Also known as Wheel of Bougie!)

I will share a BougieTale and tell you how bougie I think it is, you can comment in and let me know what you think.

  • A girl I know has gone bowling twice in the last few months with her co-workers. After the very first outing she was irritated (slightly nauseated) with the class of bowling shoes she was forced to rent, she bought her own pair of bowling shoes to wear. She bowls an average of once every three years. I say… it's a l'il bouge.

  • BougieMom had an emergency appendectomy a few years ago. As I sat in the hospital waiting room, an older gentleman from a large black family approached me. "Ya hungry, baby? We got some food downstairs." I declined since I had already eaten. Now I assumed they meant the cafeteria or they had set up some sort of buffet. When I went out to the car, my people had set up their patio chairs in the parking garage. They had about six Fry-Daddys going and were dipping chunks of catfish and hushpuppies into the oil. A big cooler was open and they were passing beer and soda around in a circle. Right out in the middle of parking level B, Section 2. I say… it's ghetto-fab.

  • Sitting in first class on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles (okay, we're already up to bouge). I'm seated next to a drop dead gorgeous dark-skinned sister who is dressed to the nines. She has diamonds winking and blinking from everywhere possible to place one. But she cannot seem to get comfortable. She pulls out her baby pink Pashmina and wraps herself in it, she pulls out an apple-scented neck-roll and rests her head on it. She puts on her noise-canceling headphones and begins to sip her Evian. Finally, she turns to me and says, "Do you mind if we switch seats? The way the light hits my jewelry over here is giving me a headache!" I blinked rapidly and say, "Uh, sure." I say… überBouge (maybe a little trifling)?

  • Standing on a balcony of the W Hotel Dallas witnessing a fight between a male friend and his girlfriend. They are arguing; the man perceived that the woman had been too friendly with an unknown fella inside the club. The disagreement escalates as he says, "You cannot just shake your a** the way you used to before you met me." Awkward silence. She then explodes in a torrent of epithets ending with, "You don't own me, you #*%! As a matter of fact, you can take back everything you ever bought for me!" She proceeds to fling her earrings and purse over the rail. Then she reaches under her dress, yanks off her panties and flings those over the rail too with these final words, "Now I can go back to shaking it anyway I like!" I say two things… restraining order and… just plain ghetto.

  • A woman I know was trying to throw together something to eat on a Friday night. Too lazy to go out for new ingredients, she decides to cook using whatever she could find in the fridge and freezer. Her tossed together meal turned out to be Veal Parmesan, Pasta Primavera using squash, zucchini and fire-roasted tomatoes on top of Whole Wheat Rotini, spinach and field green salad with garlic olive toast. Forty minutes from start to finish with a glass of red wine on the side. Now that's bouge.

Would you score them the same? Would you score them the same if I told you that the bowling shoe girl is BougieSis and Veal Parmesan girl was me? J

Monday, March 29, 2010

Revisiting the Shiggity that is the Tea Bag Movement

Originally posted in July of 2009, I find this needs few revisions to stay relevant today.

After eight years of G-Dub spending like he was printing money up in the basement of 1600 Penn (and maybe he was); we all of a sudden have all this moral outrage from so-called "Tea-baggers" who are against deficit spending, paying more taxes, an anything they deem to be "UnAmerican". Last Summer on a hot and sunny Saturday, a group of the tea folks gathered up the road at Southfork Ranch to get their complain on stage their protest. I really attempted to watch the goings-on with an open mind. We are a ka-zillion dollars in debt so maybe these folks had some valid concerns and useful solutions to share.

I was only 2.6 minutes into watching the footage when the word "socialism" dropped out of someone's mouth. Gritting my teeth, I powered on. When someone spoke of Obama not "adhering to the Constitution written for REAL Americans," I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Determined not to stereotype, I plunked down in front of the computer and started researching what the tea bag movement was all about.

Besides having the poor taste to pick a name for their movement that brings to mind a sexual act of the XXX variety, the Tea Bag Movement is supposedly a non-partisan movement protesting all things Obama, the federal budget and, more specifically, the stimulus package and the universal health care bill, which the protesters perceive as examples of wasteful government spending and unnecessary government growth. Somehow they equate these programs with government intrusion into their private lives. They oppose the increase in the national debt as well. The protesters also objected to possible future tax increases, with taxes on capital gains, estate taxes, federal income taxes, and cigarette taxes.

So reading between the lines, the TBs don't want to pay taxes, think the mortgage crisis was due to low-lifes not managing their money, healthcare is a socialist principal and are positive Obama is a Non-American Fascist (or the Devil Incarnate - they can't decide which)… seriously? Okey-dokey then, let me ask the TBs a few questions from Matt Taibbi's blog:

  1. If you're so horrified by debt and spending, where were your tea parties when George Bush was adding $4 trillion to the federal deficit?
  2. If you're so outraged by the bailouts, where were your tea parties when the bailouts were first instituted by Henry Paulson and George Bush last fall?
  3. If you're so troubled by pork, where were your tea parties when the number and cost of congressional earmarks rose spectacularly in each year of Republican congressional rule between 1996 and the end of the Republican majority in 2006?
  4. Would you be protesting any of this bull**** if this had been George W. Bush's budget?

I call bullshiggity. I call overt racism. I call hateration on all ya Tea Bag hat-wearing, American Flag waving (whole other topic, see commentary here), Fox News-watching, Palin-lovin', evil sign holding, no solution proposing, Rush/Glenn listening finger pointers. Guess what? America is not just for you. You do not get to lead unencumbered lives of entitlement and greed without paying the piper. You sat silently by while the Frat Boy you stuck us with for eight years ran this country straight into the ground, pissed off world leaders by the dozen, sent our boys off to fight a fake war and made mothers have to choose between a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk. Your protests are too late and are based on bitterness that your candidate did not win and hatred of things (people) you can not bend to your will. Get over it and get over yourselves. Do what we did, find a candidate that YOU think can change things, get behind him (or her)and vote. Good luck with that in 2012.

Note to Rick Perry and John Cornyn - Good looking out on turning down the stimulus funds. "Boo, hiss and double boo." Oh, I'm too late, they booed you at your own tea party? 'Nuff said. Good lookin' out trying to appeal health care reform for Texas, that appeal is worth the paper you printed it on... and I have a few idea with what you can do with that paper.

Last week on Twitter, I wondered if we needed a fringe group of crazies repping for the Progressive set? By popular vote, the Twitterati decided that if we do get such a group, it should be called the Coffee Party.

What do you think of these Tea Parties? Is it just out of control? Would you join the Coffee Party if it existed?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

BnB on Hiatus... stay tuned!

Okay good people - I'm on the last push to turn in my second book to my publisher by Friday. So this week, you'll be treated to some oldies but goodies. Bougenificence is the gift that keeps on giving so I'll be "recycling" some of my favorites. I won't be moderating the comments very much so please play nice amongst yourselves.

I'll be back next week and we'll be asking a few questions about readiness, one of which will be: Are you relationship ready? Stay tuned, be good and keep it Bougie. Come back and see me!

Sunday Good News Story: 98 year old woman gets that diploma!

Proving that it's never too late... (from AP)

Ida Ruth Hayes Greene finally has something she's always wanted -- her high school diploma. Ida will be 99 in April. Monday, she was presented with her diploma, earning it by fulfilling requirements related to her life experiences.

Now that is what I'm talking about. Ida kept her eye on the prize all these years. Now if she goes for the college degree, I'm too through with Ida. I love stories like this.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Saturday Video Shout-Out: Mint Condition

I love this group. I really, really do. Stokely is probably one of the most talented, under-rated front men of all time. That. Is. All. Enjoy: U Send Me Swingin'

Anyone have a musical shout out to share today? Happy Saturday!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Blowing Kisses for the Boys (girls too!)

A thousand kisses to everyone who participated in this week's Question for the Fellas week. The response was outstanding and overwhelming. In case I thought it was just a bit of relationship chatter, this letter told me something different:

Dear OneChele,
I sat on the sidelines of your Question for the Fellas week with my breath held. You see, I was planning to just give up on the fellas. Not a break, not a time out, just give up. Where ever that special one that is meant for me is, I assumed that he was detoured along the way. I've been planning what the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years of life will look like and feel like single. And I've tried to be okay with it.

You see I've had terrible, terrible (like put me in the hospital terrible) experiences with men. I get that a lot of this is my bad for choosing the damn wrong ones. I definitely never had the positive role models or examples to pull from. I had pretty much decided that there just weren't any right ones out there, at least not for me. Reading your blog this week really changed my perspective.

If there are intelligent grown men willing to share their thoughts and feelings HERE in Bougietown, there must be some out there for me. Your week's worth of insights have made me cautiously optimistic. I definitely need to do some more work on me first but at least now when I pass a man on the street, I'll smile thinking - maybe he's like the BnB guys. And if he's not, maybe the next one or the next one. For the most part, the guys that comment on your blog are smart, employed, respectful or woman and don't take themselves too seriously.

I also LOVE how your smart female readers get in there and challenge the fellas without talking down. It's a whole new way to talk back and forth that I haven't been exposed to much in the past. High five for ladies for sharing and checking the boys that needed it in a good way.

So thank you and please keep doing what you do.

Tracey C. in the ATL

Well, I'm a little humbled by that but also doing the happy dance. So thanks everybody! Have a great weekend.

Wrapping up Questions for the fellas week: The Best of the Rest

Ladies, apologies. We had way too much to squeeze into a five-day week. There was no way I could get to everyone's questions. So I grouped a lot of what I received into the topics we've already covered. And instead of leading with a BougieTale today, I've just decided to share the best of the rest. Without further ado, questions for the fellas (unedited):

  1. We hear women complain about there being no good men all the time & they're taken to task for overlooking the blue collar, hardworking, not too flashy men. I can't relate to that because I'll take good & decent over trifling but cute any day. My question is, when men say they can't find a good woman, are they really trying? Are they so caught up in having the next Halle Berry or Gabrielle Union that they overlook Alfre Woodard or Whoopi Goldberg? I understand that men are more visual creatures, but can they honestly say good looking equals a good woman?

  2. Why do brothers always harp about money, even if I'm making my own? What's that about?

  3. My question is, what do guys really think about girls that are virgins and over a certain age (let's say 22). Could they date a girl that was one or not?

  4. When us women talk about putting on makeup or buying shoes or I dunno, doing karaoke on a night out I feel an apologetic tone in our voice equivalent to when men talk about said womanly pursuits they have a condescending tone in their voice (like they are rolling their eyes). (on the other hand, many women want to get involved with their man's hobbies, play video games, go to see the same bands play, go to see action films with none of the embarrassment a man would feel at a chick flick etc.) Whereas when a man spends 12 hours playing an xbox 360 shoot-em-up there's some pride there, it's something to boast about rather than to apologize for. So I guess the question would be: Men, do you really believe your hobbies and interests have more substance than a typical woman's interests?

  5. Why do guys want to set a curfew for their girlfriends when they go out with their girls, or some guys just don't want their girlfriends to go out at all?

  6. Guys say they want an intelligent, good woman, that'll be a good wife one day, but they ALWAYS go for the big breasts and/or booty. WHYYY??????

  7. Why do you guys find it so hard to move on from relationships when it is obviously over. Is it ego?

  8. Why do you go into new relationships when there isn't closure on the last one?

Fellas, thanks so much for indulging us this week. If you could just bear with us for one more day, we would really appreciate your insights. Ladies, your thoughts and shared experiences on these questions are always welcome. Feel free to answer one or all. Your participation is greatly appreciated. Happy Friday BougieLand, the floor is yours.

NOTE: These are NOT questions from OneChele but OneChele's readers. Don't send me the snide tweets about me not being a 22-year old virgin. #FAIL. AGAIN - Questions are from BnB population. THANKS.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Question for the fellas: What’s up with your boy?

"Birds of a feather flock together" ~ William Turner, 1545

Thankfully, this is not always the case. But take a second and think about your last (or current) S.O. – don't you know ONE person in his/her crew that is side-eye worthy? I've spent the last eight years weeding out the crazy from my extended friend network but even I still have at least one friend (no longer close) that I have to apologize for. Fellas – how ya'll coming with that?

A BougieTale:

When I was dating Gene, I was always the one chick out with all the guys. I could watch and discuss sports, put on my iPod when the Madden marathon got crazy, hang out without complaining and turn a blind eye to thing that were absolutely none of my business. Guys weekend, it would be six of them and me. The things guys say when we are not around (or they forgot we were there) – whew boy! More than once Gene was like, okay – Michele is cool but she's still my girl… shut it! But as cool as I was, there was one dude in the crew that I could not stand. We'll call him Ricardo. I mean I disliked Ricardo with a passionate dislike usually reserved for Sarah Palin and allergy season.

He was a little too slick, seemed to be more of an ass-kisser with an agenda than a true friend. I didn't like the way he looked at me and his treatment of the women in his life – whoa. He was a hustler and I didn't understand why Gene didn't see it. When he was invited out, I would find a reason to cut my portion of the evening short. On more than one occasion, I literally had to issue ultimatums – him or me for the evening. I won (of course) but why did we even have to take it there? In fact when our relationship imploded, one of the complaints I lodged was that Gene was way too quick to put everybody else ahead of me on his priority list… including hustling-ass Ricardo. When last we spoke civilly, lo and behold – Ricardo had been caught doing something shady and Gene realized that I was right about him all along. Umm-hmm.

Two of the letters I received:

Chele, my boyfriend has this one friend that I cannot stand. He is sloppy, messy, loud and frequently drunk. He cannot keep a girlfriend and tend to enjoy nights at the strip club a little too much for my comfort. They were line brothers and I've been told that "that's just the way he is". The only real drama we have is when my S.O. goes out with that guy. He inevitably rolls in late and drunk. He goes God know where, does God knows what and I've really started to feel like it's disrespectful to me. Can we ask the fellas what that's about? How you pick your boy over your S.O.?

Hey OneChele, my husband has a friend that he is stuck in a co-dependent cycle with. The two of them came up together in rough circumstances. My husband turned the corner and made something of himself. His friend not so much. So he gets into all manner of scrapes and jams and my husband bails him out (literally and figuratively) every time. At some point, isn't enough enough? We got into a huge fight about it this past weekend because I said I thought he was actually doing him a disservice by covering him all these years. So my question is – who's right?

Alright then, I received about 15 questions asking me why you fellas can't cut loose your crazy/druggy/grabby-assy/loud-talking/dependent/slightly bitter running buddy? You know the one. Your girl does not like him. She never has. He probably doesn't like her either. You have gotten into trouble with/because of him before. But that's your boy.

Based on all of this – Looks like the questions of the day for the fellas are: Why can't you see when your boy ain't worth a damn? From question one, how/when do you put your boy above your S.O.? And from question two, are you helping your boy by carrying him along for years?

Ladies, what are your thoughts on all the bromance? And we are talking heterosexual bromance. Don't get it twisted. That other is for a different post. We are not discussing the down low today. Though it does bring to mind a hilarious episode of The Boondocks where this rapper Ganstalicious turned out to be gay. Here was one of the clues – Not Safe For Work and this is SATIRE, if you are easily offended, do not watch.

WARNING: The first person to use the phrase bros over hos (or any similar phrase) gets booted out of BougieLand for the day.

The floor is yours…

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Question for the fellas: What are you waiting for?

Three BougieTales today. Two of them are stories sent in from BougieLand:

Blind leading the blind waiting: Way before I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up, I worked as an Executive Assistant (thankless job, get out if you can). I was the Executive Assistant to the CEO for a company in Austin which meant I was in touch will all of the management staff on a regular basis. You create a kind of telephone intimacy with people that you talk to every day. Even more so in my conversations with a gentleman I'll call DB. DB had the flirtatious banter down pat. For a few weeks we telephone flirted, sent emails back and forth and basically acted like infatuated teenagers. Finally, he came to Austin and we met face to face. Giggle, great date, dancing, a romantic stroll by the river followed by an awkward kiss on the forehead and goodnight. Kiss on the forehead? Even I knew that wasn't a good thing. We fell back into our phone banter for a few weeks then he invited me to visit him. Romance, giggles, flowers, wine and he took the sofa while I slept in the bed. So I'm wondering, are we platonic or more?

Now office gossip (for those of you that have never worked in the Paycheck Plantation) is hell. I knew his every waking move and thought before he had a chance to tell me. He was feeling me, I was feeling him. I wasn't tapping my foot impatiently waiting to get to the naked part; I was waiting for him to define the relationship. I was SO young, it never occurred to me to ask and I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, one fateful weekend at the Corporate Retreat he was getting all parts of up close and personal with some spandex-wearing floozy from the call center. In a super-dramatic way that only young silly girls can be, I marched out onto the dance floor and told him I was tired of waiting in vain for his love (I was in a Bob Marley zone) and I was DONE.

Fast forward fifteen years and he finds me on LinkedIn. DB said back then he had NO idea what to do with me and was waiting for ME to tell him what I wanted, what was too much and what was next. And when I didn't he just decided to get out the quickest way he knew how. When I told him I was waiting on him, he was stunned. Just goes to show you – youth and stupidity are a bad combination.

What's it gonna take waiting: Dear Chele, I've been with this guy for three years. We do everything together, we get along, I like his family, he likes mine. I won't move in with him because I don't want to get stuck in that trap. We are both attractive and successful and want the same things. He makes references to the future and kids but where is my ring? What is he waiting on? And what can I do to move him along?

[I have some ideas but I'm going to let the fellas take that one.]

Make a move already waiting: OneChele, me and this guy from my apartment complex are spending a lot of time together. We hang out, we go places, we grab meals at my place, play video games as his. I overheard him telling his best friend that I am the girl he really wants to be with. So why isn't he making a move? Do I really have to do it myself?

So, let me sum up the questions (and let's assume that the man has at least a passing interest in the woman, because we get you not making a move if you are just not feeling it):

Fellas: About that first move, are we waiting on you or are you waiting on us?

Fellas: Getting out of the friend zone, what ARE you waiting on?

Put a ring on it: Ladies, how long do you wait? Fellas, what's it gonna take?

The floor is yours…

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Question for the fellas: Why can’t men say what they mean and mean what they say?

Continuing our questions for the fellas week, I received quite a few questions about men's communication style (or lack thereof). I can boil those questions down into one: Why won't men say what they really mean? A snippet of a song that breaks it down: Jill Scott's Talk To Me.

Two BougieTales about communication:

He said it but I didn't get it - Out of college, I had a huge crush on a gentleman that I'll call Vince. Ladies, Vince was Dat Dude. He was older than me by a number years. DJ in a club by night, sold cars by day. (read: charismatic) 6'2", chocolate, could wear leather pants like they were meant to be worn. Bald before everybody else was. And sexy. Just oozed the sizzle. My roommate was dating his best friend so I saw him all the time. I wanted a double scoop of Vince and you could keep the whipped cream. To me, it seemed as though Vince dated EVERY woman in Austin, Texas BUT me. One late night I finally asked him why.

He said, "Michele I like you. Okay?" I shrugged, clueless as to what that meant. He repeated, "No, I LIKE you. Are you hearing me? Like you in a way that you could be Mrs. Vince. But I'm no good for you and we both know that. Now we could have a little fun together when you get older but not now when you'll take it the wrong way and get hurt. I'm doing this for you." I didn't know what the heck he meant. I was extremely hurt and ticked off at the time. For years, I didn't even understand what he meant. But you know what? Time has proven him correct. He is not a one-woman man and has a bit of a Peter Pan complex. Had I forced the issue, no telling how poorly that would have turned out. He's on wife #3. She's 23 (He's in his late 40s!) and he just bought her new boobs for her birthday. He and I remain good (platonic) friends. This was a case where he said what he meant and I just didn't know enough to appreciate it at the time.

He said one thing but meant another - About eighteen months ago I met a gentleman, we'll call him Ken. Ken and I met and clicked. We had a commonality of background and values. We liked similar and complimentary things. Chemistry was snap, crackle, pop. Conversation was banter, banter, and more banter. First date good, second date better. We had lined up the third date when out of the blue he called and said it was not a good time for him to get into anything serious. In fact, he had some things he needed to work out with God. And until he straightened himself out, he was going to take a pass on me.

Well ouch. But what can you say but "Okay and good luck with that." Yet of course it rattled around my mind a little and I wondered what the real story was. Was there someone else? Was he not attracted? Did I miss a sign? Finally I chalked it up to "one of those things that men do" and moved on. But it rankled.

Lo and behold I got an email three days ago from Ken. I had really been on his mind and would I mind calling him? I didn't answer. Another email: here's my number in case you lost it. Please call. I replied back that I was curious… what was different now? How had his "Come to Jesus" reflective time worked out? His answer – he might have over-exaggerated what his situation was. It was really more of a case of him trying to juggle too many things and not having time for me. But now he's ready. Laser beam side-eye. Why not just say, "I'm seeing other people." Why even start anything up at all? Because now you look shady and I've translated your situation to mean that you were juggling multiple women and you couldn't figure out how to add me to the rotation. Now that it's two years later and none of that worked out for you, you're circling back around… That's not flattering. At. All. I haven't called Ken and don't really plan on it. I prefer a man that just shoots straight the first time out.

Out of the 26 questions ladies submitted on this topic, I've consolidated into five for the fellas:

  1. When a man is no longer interested in a woman, why can't he be responsible enough to let that woman know he is no longer feeling her rather than pulling "disappearing acts" (i.e. stop the calling, texting, emailing) and hoping she figures it out on her own?
  2. What does a man mean when he says "He's not ready for a relationship right now" or "I'm not ready to be serious"?
  3. Why do men lie about stupid stuff? Why is everything a fact-finding expedition? Why do I have to dig it out of them like I'm mining for gold?
  4. Why won't a man just tell you what their thoughts are feelings are about your relationship?
  5. Why even start a sentence with "Baby, just let me explain…"

And ladies a question for you… Would you rather have a man just be brutally honest with you (about rejection, infidelity, etc) or have him let you down easy?

The floor is yours…

UPDATED: Response from Mr. Inkognegro on his blog

Monday, March 22, 2010

Question for the fellas: You paid for the date, not me. You get that, right?

WARNING: This post is NC-17. Those of you offended by sexual references (and any family members who read this), my apologies. Truly. But I couldn't edit. I really couldn't.

Subtitled: Great Sexpectations…

For the purposes of this post, I'm defining sexpectation as the expectation that sexual activity will occur within the 24-hour period following some other activity between two people.

It was after five pm on Friday evening when a male friend of mine (no more no less) called to say he'd had a fight with his date for the evening. We'll call him Sam. Sam and date were supposed to go see the Ludacris/Black Eyed Peas convert in a few hours' time. Did I want to go instead? Now I wasn't all that psyched to hear BEP sing repetitive anthems for an hour but I will go listen to Luda any day of the week. Lest you get to side-eying me, let's review Bouge Rule #6: You can be bougie and hood but not at the same time. I love me some Luda. Dirty South ya'll...

Moving on. I told him I'd love to go and we made arrangements to meet at a specified time and place. So I was contemplating cute jeans and a cute "but I'm not dating him" top [no cleavage] from the closet when I received a call back from Sam.

Sam: How about dinner too?

Me: Sure, I just finished eating but I will grab a drink while you eat.

Sam: Are you sure?

I paused to make sure I didn't miss something then said: Dinner, drinks and a concert sound fine, why?

Now a pause on his end, then he said: Okay, I'll text you back details in a few minutes.

We hung up. I wondered if maybe his date was back on and he wanted to take her or if something else was up that I was just missing. Then, in typical Michele fashion, I shrugged it off and contemplated the proper heel height to walk up and down concert steps, stay in for a few hours and be cute without limping at the end of the night. I was in the middle of wondering if I could still get away with boots even though it was 76 degrees outside when the BlackBerry buzzed. I glanced at the text; it had a restaurant name I was familiar with not too far from the concert venue. I typed back: Got it.

I was firing up the curling iron when the phone buzzed again. I read the text, blinked and read it again. The words didn't change. This dude, who I have been purely platonic friends with for quite some time, went all the way left.

His text: You do realize that we are f***ing tonight, right?

[Let me let you re-read that. I'll wait.] I answered: Are you joking?

Sam: We're getting it in tonight.

Me (perplexed): Excuse me?

Sam: Most definitely. Or are you more the type to make love? LOL

Me (still confused): No LOL at all. Where is this coming from?

Sam: 1) Because we can and I'd like to 2) I'm spending a lot of money on you tonight and 3) Why not?

Me (not happy): So any female you invite to this concert is required to "show appreciation"?

Sam: Not required to, expected to.

Me (typing furiously): Ninja please, it's a concert and a cocktail. Not a trip to the Caymans and canary diamonds.

Sam: Is that your price? You wanna go to the Caymans? You need diamonds?

Me (done): Price? Boy bye. Enjoy the concert.

Sam: So you're not coming?

Me: Not.

Sam: Sure I can't make you come tonight?

Me (mean): Probably not on any night.

Sam: Try me.

Me: I'll pass.

Sam: That's a no to everything?

Me: That's a no. To everything.

Sam: Your loss.

Now since then he has called to say he "may have been out of line" and to disregard. Really? Ya think? Here was my issue: Though I would have been surprised because we were always firmly in the "friend zone", I would not have been offended had he asked me or made a move, I was offended that he expected it to happen. Like it was owed to him as payment for a drink and a concert ticket. I was heated.

Have brothers gone back to "pay for play" status in the dating game? Or has it always been there and I just missed it? Just as a drink in the club will not necessarily net you a dance, dinner and a concert guarantees you only a "thank you for inviting me".

Now, let me say this as far as the Caymans go. If we are in a committed intimate relationship and you take me on vacation, yes – you have an expectation of a l'il sumthin' sumthin'… this I understand. No woman says yes to an overnight trip with her man (especially a beach destination) without understanding that there are sexpectations involved. Grown folks know what time it is. If a woman is not interested, she should not take the trip. Period. I mean it, ladies. Don't be hopping on planes to Miami and Aruba thinking twin beds and a kiss good night. Just sayin'.

Fellas - I'm not even saying that your sexpectations may not get fulfilled. It could happen. But know your audience. Don't apply one-drink-hit-it-in-the-club sexpectations to a five-date-if-you're-lucky girl. Okay, I recognize that I'm old-fashioned and don't care what's hot in da streetz. I'll let you all weigh in and let me know if I'm completely clueless:

Am I wrong? Isn't the sharing of the good-good a privilege, not a right? And if you are trying to purchase it, isn't that an entirely different kind of transaction?

Ladies – have you been the object of a man's overt sexpectations? What are your thoughts on that? And in this age when sometimes women are the breadwinners, is there reverse sexpectation going on? Are women paying to get the services rendered these days? And is a sexpectation after a date better or worse than a booty call?

Fellas – Is there a dollar limit on the "pay for play"? I mean at what point do you expect an ROI (Return on Investment) - $5.00, $100.00, $500.00? What if it's not money but time you invested? Are these sexpectations different depending on the status of the relationship? Are third date sexpectations different from six-years-married-on-a-Saturday-night? Do share. And feel free to be as brutally honest as you can.

The floor is yours…

UPDATED: Here's a response from Mr. Inkognegro on his blog.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Raise ‘em up: Health Care Reform passes

Three simple words from President Barack Obama via Twitter: Yes we can. Prez 44 did something no modern era leader of the United States has been able to do… pass a bill beginning an overhaul of healthcare and allowing millions of uninsured Americans access to medical services that will not bankrupt them. NPR's article says it best: Obama Achieves Health Law Success That Eluded Past.

President Obama gave a brief conference after the passage. I wanted to see him come out to Big Daddy Kane's "I Get the Job Done" but that wasn't meant to be. He looked tired, worn but victorious. President Obama said that the House's vote on health care "wasn't an easy vote but it was the right vote." Speaking from the East Room of the White House, the president, who made health care reform a priority for his administration, said the vote wasn't a victory for a political party but for the American people. Obama said the reform plan won't fix everything wrong with the nation's health care system, "but it moves us decisively in the right direction." Here are the major points of the bill (from MSNBC):

Understanding the health care overhaul

If enacted, the reconciliation bill combined with the Senate-passed bill would, from 2010-2019:

-Spend $938 billion on expanding insurance coverage, including $464 billion in subsidies to help uninsured people buy coverage.

-Expand Medicaid coverage to 16 million additional people.

-Require many employers to offer coverage for their workers.

-Collect $69 billion in penalties from uninsured individuals and employers for non-coverage.

-Provide coverage through an insurance exchange to 24 million people.

-Reduce the number of uninsured by 32 million people, but leave 23 million (including illegal immigrants) not covered.

-Cut Medicare spending by $455 billion from currently-projected levels.

-Not affect next month's scheduled 21 percent cut in payment rates to doctors who treat Medicare patients.

-Produce a net reduction in federal deficits of $143 billion.

And lest they be forgotten, here are the 34 jack-ass Democrats who did not back their President's play. They shall not be forgotten. Umm-hmm. We see ya'll:

John Adler Jason Altmire Michael Arcuri John Barrow Marion Berry Dan Boren Rick Boucher Bobby Bright Ben Chandler Travis Childers Artur Davis Lincoln Davis Chet Edwards Stephanie Herseth Sandlin Tim Holden Larry Kissell Frank Kratovil Jr. Daniel Lipinski Stephen F. Lynch Jim Marshall Jim Matheson Mike McIntyre Michael E. McMahon Charlie Melancon Walt Minnick Glenn Nye Collin C. Peterson Mike Ross Heath Shuler Ike Skelton Zack Space John Tanner Gene Taylor Harry Teague

More work to be done but for tonight at least, pop a bottle and raise 'em up! My President keeps promises to the American people. How great is that?

Sunday Good News Story: Hootie and the Vets

Darius Rucker, also known as Hootie from the Hootie and the Blowfish has carved out a niche for himself in Nashville. His 2008 country album. Learning to Live, spawned 3 Number 1 hits and a Grammy award for the singer. Kudos to him for finding an outlet for his music.

Bigger kudos to him for giving back. Below is a video from AP showing as he visited hospitalized veterans ahead of a Wednesday, March 3 benefit concert for Musicians On Call, which aims to bring together patients and music.

I love the one white dude who was singing along and teared up. Who know how much that three-minute song improved his spirits for the day. Thank you Darius for being an out-of-the-box PERSON as well as an innovative artist.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Next week on BnB: Questions for the Fellas week

We are getting it in ladies. You have questions, I have questions. Questions I THINK I know the answers to… but maybe I don't. I need direct, honest answers from the BnB menfolk. And I suspect they are ready to give them.

Ladies, have something you've been dying to ask, just NEED to know the answer to? Here's your chance. I'll round up your questions and see how many we can knock out. You can either submit your questions below or email them to me at Fellas, here's your chance to answer… straight no chaser. And before you ask… yes, we will have a "Questions for the Ladies" week later in the year. Let's do this… whatcha got?

Saturday Video Shout-Out: Novel...

Pardon my French with the video below but I'm feeling this one. Enjoy the smooth tones of Novel: F*** with my Mind.

That's real. Any music shout outs today?

Friday, March 19, 2010

Barack Obama, Sarah Connor and the De-Valuation of Black Women: A Bougie Conspiracy Theory

Yes, I'm one of those. I see conspiracies everywhere I look. There was at least one other shooter on the grassy knoll, Hoffa is on an island with Tupac, Elvis and MJ, Area 51 is named that because there are 50 other joints just like that hidden around the country. Those levees in New Orleans did not fail on their own. Something ain't right with the Mona Lisa, those funky symbols on the $20 bill mean something and folks at DirecTV headquarters are probably watching me through the satellite as I type this right now. [Author stops typing to wave: Konichiwa, b*tches]

Okay, maybe I'm not THAT bad but I know a conspiracy when I see one. And I can see no other reason for the mass media siege against the sisterhood. For those not in the know (and since I've been holding back a rant on it), two more articles on the thankless existence of the African American female came out last week. One detailing how disease ridden we all are (cuz we skanky, doncha know?) and the other on how po' we is (cuz we can't keep a job or get a man). In the wake of this bullshiggitty, I have figured out the game. Stay with me, I'm about to get deep. (Or deeply disturbed, we'll see)

Watch me work these three points: In the Terminator movies, folks in the future sent back a cyborg to kill up Sarah Connor before she could birth the next generation's savior. Next, Barack Obama swept into power on a wave of hope and change. Now, folks are losing their minds that Barack is large and in charge. What would happen if a new and improved (even more untouchable) Barry 2.0 emerged in the next generation or two? The next Barry will have a black mother and a white father because we can't go back through the Kenyan Birth Conspiracy again. So how to stop the next Barry from being born? Nip it at the source. That's right, I said it. Somebody from the future is trying to destroy black women so a better Barack Obama can NOT be born.

They didn't need to send a cyborg, they sent a better weapon: the Mainstream Media Machine. Nothing is more pervasive than that these days. We don't have to be dead, just too mentally beatdown (too broke, fat, tired, diseased and angry) to educate ourselves and procreate. Okay, I'm officially cracking myself up now. I have no idea whose cute child that is in the picture above.

But come ON… there has to be a reason for all the shade being thrown. By the way, if I mysteriously disappear – ya'll will know I was onto something and "they" couldn't allow me to keep speaking truth… LOL!

BougieMom's theory is along my same thought pattern but not quite as extreme. She says it's part of the continued fear of the angry black man. To kill a monster, you cut off the head. Black women are the head and heart of the black family. Wither they goest, the family follows. Hmm, interesting ideology marrying knowledge of greek philosophy and a dose of old school "you know what it is." So wait, am I now de-valuing us by saying it's not about us at all but our men? Aw jeez. Let me move on.

Maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe we've been catching hell like this forever. It just sure seems to be coming from the left and the right on regular these days.

Tell me, BougieLand… what's your theory about all the sad-sack Black Woman news? Or, what is a conspiracy theory in general that you absolutely believe to be true? (I stand behind my DirecTV theory though)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Grown Folks’ Romance (with a Hat Tip to Grey's Anatomy)

For those of you who don't watch Grey's Anatomy, just skip down a few paragraphs where I actually get to the point.

I used to love Grey's Anatomy. Love, love, love. When that show first came on, I felt like I had discovered TV nirvana. African-American female as Producer and writer, diverse cast, smart storylines and brilliant time slot; it was my must-see TV. The beauty of the sow was that they used the medicine as metaphors for the life dramas. This caused you to care about the stories as well as the medical crises and stay invested for the whole show. The dialogue was fast-paced and witty. The outcomes were never predictable. It was just a really well-done show… at first.

Sometime after Season 2 though, things started to take a turn for me. Izzie's character went from mildly annoying to "why can't they sedate her", the back and forth between Meredith and Derek was just annoying, Callie was underutilized and inexplicably paired with George. Preston's character lost its way and there was no understandable reason for him to be so in love with Christina. Addison was in the way, Alex fell for a pysch patient and Mark spent more time in bed than in surgery. Miranda's marriage fell apart, Callie decided she was gay and Dr. Preston Burke just disappeared. Then came a fake suicide, George/Izzie as a couple, Dead Denny re-incarnated… the whole damn show "jumped the shark".

This season started off slow. The Chef was ousted for drunk and disorderly, Mark had a daughter, Meredith had daddy issues and Christina was with some psycho dude that we are supposed to buy as sexy. And then they came back from the winter hiatus and it was as if a magic wand had been waved over the show. Gone were both George and Izzie, Meredith and Derek made sense and Christina was more worried about surgeries than anything else. As soon as they put the Chief back in his rightful place, all will be good in Seattle Grace World.

Finally, Miranda Bailey. Holding it down for the sisterhood at Seattle Grace hospital. While others lost their minds (and drawers) over interns and attending, she stayed true to the medicine. So true that her husband bailed and she had to power on alone. Enter Dr. Ben Warren, an anesthesiologist who from Day One respected Miranda but was not about to be talked down to. He brought the sizzle but he also brought the brains and the backbone. Last Thursday, we saw Miranda accept her third date with Ben. For some fool reason, she allowed herself to get whipped up into a frenzy abdout the third date being "the sex date" and the need for women to carry multiple comdoms and be waxed all to hell and back. And then she caught hold of herself. My favorite quote was when and Callie were referring to Ben visitng "her surgical field" (yes euphemism for vijayjay). Miranda says, "If he can't deal with a little nature, a little GOD, then he doesn't need to be visiting." See, Grown Folk Romance.

Later, she is at Ben's house and he is cooking dinner. Unsettled by nervous expectations, she launches into a lecture. He stops her dead. I won't paraphrase, I've embedded the scene below. Oh, I started with Mark actually trying to have a Grown Folk Romance himself. Take a look:

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I fell off my chair. THAT is how you handle a strong woman used to having to run things her damn self. Step her back, politely as you cook her dinner and pour more wine. I would like more television like this. Please and thank you. While you're at it, can you clone Jason George (dude who plays Ben) and send him my direction?

What did you think? Like or dislike? Are there any other examples of Grown Folks Romance on the television these days?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

It’s Hashtag Wednesday: If you could make up a holiday, what would it be? #MyPersonalHoliday

So you can tell by my feeble effort on St. Patrick's today that it's not my favorite holiday. So I thought about it, what if I could make up a holiday of my own? Just create a day where people are celebrating where/how/when/why I wanted them to celebrate. Not a birthday or an anniversary, just a random day picked out on the calendar for the purposes of celebrating whatever I wanted.

If you haven't joined us on a Hashtag Wednesday, let me explain: On Twitter, people tend to accentuate their chatter by adding a topic or a phrase to the end. You tie the topics together by placing a "#" (called a hashtag) in front of it. For instance, when we tweet about A Different World, we would add #ADW somewhere in the statements. If enough people use the hashtag, it becomes a trending topic. Some of this week's trending topics were #HipHopSyllabus where people suggested classes that Hip-Hop artists should teach – Hammer teaching Fiscal Responsibility, Beyoncé teaching Advanced Acting, Kanye West teaching Etiquette… quite amusing.

So since I'm not feeling St. Patrick's Day… I thought I'd make up my own hashtag. So here we go:

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would be called Bougenificence Day. A celebration of all things bouge.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would be on April 20th or the Friday closest to it because we need a day to bridge between Easter and Mother's Day and I'm all about a three-day weekend.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would have the colors of purple and green. It is MY holiday after all.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would be celebrated by Mardi Gras-style parties, balls and parades. I think we will need a national step-off and Ebony/Fashion Fair type Fashion Show as well. Hosted by Oprah.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would be toasted with White Chocolate Martinis or White Chocolate Mochas, drinker's choice. Grilled Salmon and Filet Mignon with broiled asparagus tips on a mixed-green salad - served everywhere (with 2 for 1 coupons).

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would have cable channels playing Neo-Soul artists and New Jack/90s movie marathons. A 24 hour ban on BET... just because I can.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would need to be a National Holiday. I need banks closed and shops open. The joy of a Macy*s One-Day Bougenificence Sale – can you imagine?

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would be headquartered in Martha's Vineyard or the Hamptons.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would include a traveling exhibit of bougie heroes, headlined by the Obamas.

  • #MyPersonalHoliday would be awesome (doncha think?)

Okay, BougieLand – whatcha got? If you could make up your own personal holiday, what would it be called? Why? When would it be? How would we celebrate? Drinks? Colors? Do share…

I don’t do green beer. I don’t river dance. But I do look good in green. It’s St. Patrick’s day.

Well it's a holiday, sort of. This is one of those holidays that started off with a purpose and ended up being a day that Americans use as an excuse to drink a lot (New Year's Eve, Cinco de Mayo, July 4th, you know). I actually had no idea what the historical basis of the holiday was. So here we go from Wikipedia:

Saint Patrick's Day (Irish: Lá Fhéile Pádraig) is a yearly holiday celebrated on March 17th. It is named after Saint Patrick (circa AD 387–461), the most commonly recognized of the patron saints of Ireland. It began as a purely Christian holiday and became an official feast day in the early 1600s. However, it has gradually become more of a secular celebration of Ireland's culture. It is believed that Saint Patrick's Day has been celebrated in Ireland since before the 1600s. It was also believed to have served as a one-day break during Lent, the forty day period of fasting. This would involve drinking alcohol; something which became a tradition.

Originally the color associated with Saint Patrick was blue. However, over the years the color green and its association with Saint Patrick's day grew. Green ribbons and shamrocks were worn in celebration of St Patrick's Day as early as the 17th century. He is said to have used the shamrock, a three-leaved plant, to explain the Holy Trinity to the pre-Christian Irish, and the wearing and display of shamrocks and shamrock-inspired designs have become a ubiquitous feature of the day.

In 1903, Saint Patrick's Day became an official public holiday in Ireland. Irish Society of Boston organized what was not only the first Saint Patrick's Day Parade in the colonies but the first recorded Saint Patrick's Day Parade in the world on March 18, 1737. The first celebration of Saint Patrick's Day in New York City was held at the Crown and Thistle Tavern in 1766, the parades were held as political and social statements because the Irish immigrants were being treated unfairly.

Today, Saint Patrick's Day is widely celebrated in America by Irish and non-Irish alike. Many people, regardless of ethnic background, wear green-colored clothing and items. Traditionally, those who are caught not wearing green are pinched affectionately.

Yeah, okay. I quit celebrating St. Patrick's Day with the general public since some super inebriated co-worker spewed projectile vomit in my direction ruining a gorgeous pair of teal green slingbacks. Me and the holiday fell right out love then and there.

But let me wrap on a positive note… Five things to love about St. Patrick's day…

  1. I look good in green
  2. Pear and Sour Apple Martinis (both being green) are in abundance
  3. Pierce Brosnan – he's Irish, I'll celebrate that
  4. March 17 usually means Spring is not far away
  5. Sean Connery! Oh, he's Scottish. Um – oh! Parades! Everyone loves a good parade.

That's all I got. Enjoy the day. Pear Martini recipe below. Any St. Patrick's Day thoughts?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Reminder! Wednesday @ 9pm eastern: Blog Talk Radio – Be There!

Dying to know what goes on the mind of the Black Blogger? Tomorrow night is your chance to find out. At nine pm eastern/eight pm central, the BnB Radio Network is live for your listening pleasure. The March 2010 show is the Black Blogger Episode. I will be joined by Luvvie of, Jay from, Thembi from and Slim from We're going IN. What is the responsibility of the Black Blogger today? To inform? Titillate? Revolutionize? Or just be true to themselves? And does the responsibility increase with the more page views you get? Who knows what all we'll talk about… come through and find out. The link to the listener is here and you can call in using (646) 378-1171. See you there!

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Bringing Un-Sexy Back… When Sizzle falls flat.

I was at the Wholesale Club getting my shop on Saturday. Some days you leave the house knowing you look good. This was not one of those days. My cute game was not on point. My ponytail was of the raggedy variety, my makeup non-existent bar the shiny Carmex on my lips. My jeans had seen better days but at least my tunic tee shirt was cute and a flattering color. Oh the hell with it, I was not looking good and I gave less than a damn. Whatever, I was about business. A thirty-six pack of shrink-wrapped bottled water for $4.88 was serious business. And the fresh salmon was on sale for $3.99/lb – that's crucial.

So I was feeling up the fresh avocados when I felt a disturbance in the force. Literally, a sort of electric hush fell over the veggie section. I looked up and noticed all the women in the immediate area standing with their mouths open. Down the aisle came a fella I immediately nicknamed Chocolate Thunder. Thunder was motion-fiction fine ya'll. Not that I memorized details or anything but old boy was about 6'3", skin the color of sweet tea, he was rocking a black t-shirt and black jeans that clung to a really, really well-maintained physique. He was handsome, fine and had that "sexy thang" going on. [There's always a good reason to play some Chante Moore]

He paused to study the strawberries, seemingly unaware that every female in a four aisle radius imagined themselves feeding him those strawberries one at a time. Yes BougieLand, he was that level of beautiful. Suddenly he looked up and looked around, noticing for the first time that all eyes were on him. He smiled slowly and for some odd reason looked in my direction. "What's up?" He gave the universal black man head bob. I head bobbed back saying, "Uh you know, it's all good." [I know ya'll, #playerFAIL on my part. I told you I wasn't on my "A" game]. Anyway, after adding strawberries and blueberries to his cart he rolled off. The older woman next to me leaned over and said, "Woo, sexy!" I nodded and went about my way.

After I checked out, I loaded my trunk and hopped in my car. Looking over to the right, I saw Mr. Chocolate sitting in his car. I sat just enjoying the view right up until he started digging in his nose. [Eww and ick] And I do not mean a discreet dig. I mean mining for gold in there. And that's not the worst part… after extracting whatever he extracted, he wiped it down first on his shirt and then on his steering wheel. Ugh! The sizzle was gone. I contemplated tossing him some anti-bacterial hand gel and then decided to just go. I was a little nauseous. I've decided to call that a #SizzleKill.

It reminds me of one of my friends relating how he took this super-fine woman that he had been chasing for weeks out to dinner. Apparently she was the shit. Fine, smart, money of her own, in his words: flawless dime. He was so excited to be sitting across from a woman so exquisite and articulate. Right up until the food came and she dug her fingers into the food like the five-star restaurant was a camp site. She ate seafood linguine with her fingers, ignored the presence of silverware and napkins and had the tendency to spit particles of food out of her very full mouth when she spoke. He described the date as sitting in a sauna and having someone repeatedly toss ice cold water on you. See? #SizzleKill

I also find smart-assness (as opposed to caustic wit), bitchassness and trying too damn hard to be #SizzleKills as well. Can we agree that the fascination with fine fizzles, but smart and sophisticated sizzles? Okay, now that I'm rhyming, let me wrap it up here.

I defer to my audience… what is your number one #SizzleKill? Got any #SizzleKill stories to share? Once the sizzle is killed, can you ever get it back?

Monday, March 15, 2010

What do Dwayne Wayne, Keith Sweat and CBreezy have in common? Begging: The Good, the Bad and The Ugly

"If begging should unfortunately be thy lot, knock at the large gates only" ~Arabian proverb

I'm not a big fan of begging. It's a desperation move and it rarely works. Hence my dislike of Keith Sweat, he not only begged but added the whining which is all around a bad look. But then again, if you could craft up one really great plea to get what you want… uh, no - I still don't know if I could do it. (Yes, yes – pride goeth before a fall) Okay, it depends on what I was begging for… the life of a loved one, probably. My last dime? Probably not. Someone to stay with me/come back to me? Heckie naw. In the past few days, I've had occasion to witness begging at different levels. Take a look and tell me what you think…

The Good: Saturday night, thanks to Thembi of What Would Thembi Do, I had occasion to participate in live tweeting my favorite episode of A Different World. It was the episode where Dwayne finally grows a pair and breaks up Whitley's wedding to Byron. First, it's a really fun two-parter lampooning bougie excess. Second, there are some of the best guest appearances ever: Joe Morton, Orlando Jones, Ron O'Neal, Michael Warren, Gary Dourdan as the ever fine Shazza Zulu. Basically, this was hands down one of the best written/acted sit-com sequences of all time.

Completely depending on both comedic and dramatic timing and delivery, you move one word or chance one character's inflection and this scene wouldn't work. Great script and brilliantly actied. Anyway, witness the magnificence of Dwayne's begging around the four-minute mark.

How much do we love Diahann Carroll? "Die. just.. die!" <<>

The Bad: Bow-Tied Boy Wonder, otherwise known as CBreezy or Chris Brown broke off some begging of his own last week. Check it out from Yahoo:

The 20-year-old singer-dancer, who plead guilty to felony assault and is on probation for five years, recorded an audio message Wednesday on Say Now asking his fans to "bring [him] back." A humbled Brown said he needs his fans' help. "Some radio stations aren't playing my records," he said. "They're not being that supportive and I wouldn't expect them to. But it's on the fans...It's in your power to bring me back."

Brown said he is doing everything he can do. He refers to himself as a "better person" and said he is doing his music for the love, but added that his career is in jeopardy.

"It won't be possible for me to be an artist if I don't have support from people who give me an artist outlet," Brown said. "I can't be an underground mixtape artist."

I tried (for a minute) to feel bad for him but may I suggest he enroll in college with what's left of his dollars, get himself a degree and a profession that does not require people to like you? Cuz right now, they just don't CBreezy. They really, really don't.

The Ugly: A friend of mine, John recently split with his girlfriend of three years. So I can now be free to say… I never liked her. She was brash and loud (instead of being bold and outgoing), she was flashy (instead of having sparkle), and she was a little too familiar with a tendency to overshare intimacies (instead of being warm and inviting). In short, she was just a little bit too much of everything. But John swore we weren't seeing her at her best. {surreptitious side-eye}

Last week (post-break-up), she sat outside of his house (in the rain) waiting for him to come home. Upon his arrival, he invited her in. She proceeded to cry, whine, beg and shout for an hour before he got her back outside the door. She sat outside for another few hours (we're not sure how long she sat there, he went to sleep) waiting for him to open up and re-consider. When this tactic did not work, she took to showing up wherever she knew he was going to be and shouting at him, "You know you still want me! Just take me back and get it over with! Please! Don't you know how much I love you!?" The only reason I know this to be true is because he started videotaping her from his iPhone and sending it to me (and the police). If I wasn't afraid that she would show up here with the crazy, I would upload it and share it. It's quite frightening and ugly. And I have to wonder – does she really think all of that will work?! What about "mental breakdown stalker" equals "oh I should take her back"?

So I ask BougieLand… Is there anything you would beg for? Don't you miss A Different World (especially since they haven't replaced it)? Is it that we don't forgive Chris Brown or does his new album just suck? Inquiring minds want to know. Thoughts, comments, insights?


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