Wednesday, December 08, 2010

To tell the truth... or not?

I recall when I was dating PsychoMike. [If you are new to the site and haven't read it, you simply must] My two roommates knew that he was trying to hit on one of them and decided not to tell me because they were afraid my feelings would be hurt and I "seemed so happy." Like I was happier overhearing him leaving her a romantic message on the answering machine? To me, it was a FriendshipFAIL of epic proportions. Our relationships were never truly the same and we moved apart shortly after that. It got me to thinking about truth and the games we play with it.

So let's just see, shall we? Today on BnB, we're playing "To tell the truth". Do you or don't you?

Scenario #1: You're out and about, you see a good friend's significant other in what appears to be a non-platonic situation with someone else. You say nothing but then later your friend asks you if you had any clue something was going on... what do you say?

Scenario #2: A friend invites you to come listen to them perform. You go, they are terrible. I mean worse than Nicki Minaj rapping with the New York Philharmonic. [yes, that means bad]  They ask you to write a review for them to post to their blog... what do you say?

Scenario #3: Somebody you have been friends with for a long time but feel zero cocoa chemistry with just told you that they think you two should try and take it to the next level. You can't imagine where the sizzle is coming from and you don't want to lose the friend... what do you do?

Scenario #4: You are out of town on vacation and have a one-night weekend fling that nobody will ever (ever, ever) find out about. Problem is, you're in a committed relationship. Do you tell it on yourself or no? [For the record, refusal to answer this one tells me something in and of itself ;-0]

Answer one, none, or all but give me your thoughts. Have you decided to just be brutally honest, come what may? Do you make allowances for little white lies or sins of omission? Do you weigh the benefits of telling the truth versus preserving someone's feelings? Just curious, what do you do? The floor is yours...


jake said...

Fine. I'll step into the witness chair first. Hmm, these are tough
1. Nothing. Serves no good purpose
2. Ask them if they want they review whether it's good or bad
3. Stick to the "don't want to ruin our friendship" line
4. Let's hope I wouldn't do it. But if I did, no I'm not telling
Honesty is usually the best policy but I also avoid as much drama as possible

BrendaKay said...

Scenario #1 ~ I won't stay silent on something like that. I will choose my words very carefully in telling my friend, but I will tell.

Scenario #2 ~ As I'm an artist by trade, I've learned that when it comes to "art and entertainment" everyone is an expert. :-) So I would politely pass on writing a review.

Scenario #3 ~ This one really struck a cord, because within the last 24 hours someone who I've known for years, but feel nothing except friendship for, sprung the "I've always been attracted to you" talk on me. I was knocked for 6 as they say Down Under, so I'll be reading everyone else's response to this one.

Scenario #4 ~ I talk in my sleep. :-) So I would shamefully fess-up as soon as I got back and hope that the relationship could be saved. But then again, if I'm supposedly in a committed relationship, but yet slept with a stranger, I would have to question just how committed am I?

Cassie said...

1. I lost a friend over a similar scenario to #1 but I would probably tell the truth all over again
2. If that's really you're friend, shouldn't you tell them they suck before someone else does?
3. Telling someone you love them but "not in THAT way" is awful but it must be done
4. Confessing would only make me feel better so no, I'll hold onto that one

FreeBlackMan said...

You are straight trippin' today. You deliberately made the scenarios a gajillion shades of grey so people could justify their answers. You ain't slick.
1.I'm telling
2. I'm telling
3. I'm telling
4. Now why would I ever tell that?

C Nelson said...

Scenario 1: I casually mention how nice it was to run into the SO and his/her friend the other day at ___. If my friend doesn't seem surprised, I leave it at that. If s/he seems shocked, though, then I'm going to say something along the lines of "I haven't been introduced to that guy/girl yet, but they seemed to be having fun." And then I'm going to leave it unless my friend specifically asks what I saw, because A) I have poly friends, so there's no guarantee my friend didn't know and B) I don't want to be "the reason we broke up." They need to talk to each other.

Scenario 2: "Sweetie, I'm sorry. You know I'm finicky about music, and yours wasn't exactly my thing. I liked < insert true thing here >, though.

Scenario 3, from bitter experience -- let them know in as many words that I really value them but I don't feel that way about them. Anything but that clear message -- BOTH PARTS -- goes badly in the long run. Really badly.

Scenario 4: Oy. I .... don't know what alternate universe I fell into that weekend, because I don't do this. But if I did, there's a problem back at home, and in the process of *fixing* that problem back at home, I'm going to have to 'fess up and ask forgiveness. These things don't stay secrets anyway.

NoNotPinkett said...

Thanks for inspiring me to do a personal integrity check. For me, I try to come out with it because a deception/omission/deflection in a close relationship weighs heavily on me, plus I’m a TERRIBLE liar. On the other hand, I also try to avoid giving unsolicited advice. (Unless it’s my BFF.) That said, I admit that telling the truth doesn’t always lead to a comfy place for the truth-teller. I’ve been in the first three situations. The first was tricky b/c it’s difficult to say what’s really going on b/t two people f/ the outside, so I tend to fall waaayyy back unless cornered. Getting involved led to confusion, many hurt feelings, and a cooling off period of a couple of years. Nonetheless, the friendship survived. In the second, not musical, but still a performance, I focused on the positive truths I could find (courage, dedication, poise). It also helped that we weren’t super-close. The third disappointed me—though I don’t know if a booty call out of left field constitutes a play for “the next level”—so I casually declined and dropped of the map. (My dedication to truth in this instance was much less direct, I know.) Again, we resurfaced after some years, he’s moved on, and it’s all love, though nowhere near as close as before. The fourth, well, just doesn’t appeal to me, so there'd be nothing to tell.

MariSol said...

1. I don't know. I told a male friend about seeing his girl hugged up with someone else and he accused me of trying to break up his happy home. After 4 more people mentioned it, he knew it was true but he still lowkey blamed me for bringing it to his attention. Unless the person is in a dangerous situation, I believe I'll mind my own business

2. I wouldn't write the review, but I will tell them their talent lies elsewhere. I think it's shameful how many people do NOT tell their friends that there's no reason for them to wait in line at American Idol tryouts. They should stick to shower singing.

3. I tried this once, turning a no sizzle good friend into an SO. Terrible. Friendship damaged, feeling hurt on both sides and the worst cocoa ever recording in the history of cocoa making. The phrase if it don't fit, don't force it... yeah.

4. Oh Chele, that's mean. But I will say if something was off enough at home that I did this, I'm telling.

Sarah said...

For #1 and #2, it would depend on how good of a friend they are. If they are a really good friend, then I would let them know if something is up with their SO. And if they had performed terribly in #2, then I'd tell them and not write a blog review about it. Good friends are supposed to be part of your security umbrella. They help watch your back. Telling somebody they performed great when they didn't is only setting them up for a serious fall later on when they are out in the world with those not feeling any need to be kind.

#3 did happen. I was in a relationship at the time so my refusal didn't ruin the friendship.

If #4 happened, it would mean to me that the committed relationship was over and I would end it whether I told him about what happened or not. I have a very strict moralist voice in my head that doesn't let me get away with much that is out of sync with what it thinks I should do. I think it is a combination of my Mom's and Grandmother's voice. :-) I do try to tell the truth. I think it is a sign of respect for others. But if somebody asks about something I don't think is their business I don't feel obliged to share.

derek love said...

Why do I feel like I'm back in Ethics and about to flunk the final?
1. Not saying a word.
2. Won't write a review but probably will tell them to hunt alternative career paths
3. Will bob and weave my way out of this one.
4. Come on now.

JustPassingBy said...

I'm just scanning to see these answers. I'd be curious to know how many people are just saying what they think they should do as opposed to what they will really do.

Michele said...

In my opinion, lying is NEVER the answer. Ever. I have never heard of a case where the truth actually killed someone. We should however take people's feelings into consideration. Honesty should not be brutal. That being said:

Scenario #1 - I would say that I didn't know that anything was going on. I would mention that I saw him but I couldn't tell from what I saw that there was an issue.

Scenario #2 - I would decline to write a review. I may post when she was performing next on FB and let the masses make up their own mind.

Scenario #3 - I would tell him that it would be best if we remained just friends.

Scenario #4 - Some things should be taken to the grave.

Reecie said...

I agree with FreeBlackMan on all of these.

baileyqc said...

1. If it was after she already knew, no need to add onto that.
2. I wouldn't write the review but I would find a way to let them know this shouldn't be a career path
3. Have to come clean on this one, don't want someone holding out hope
4. I would tell because knowing me, I'd let something slip out anyway. Might as well come clean

Lady said...

Scenario # 1: First the second I saw anything that looked like shiggity I would be pulling out the cell, taking pics and calling my girl up, there would be no not saying anything. My friends are my family and I would not want them being played like a fool and I would want them to do the same for me.

Scenario #2: I would respectful decline to write the blog. I would ask them what made them want to be a performer and has anyone given them any crictism, then I would give some constructive criticism. I truly believe in the golden rule, and that karma is real, so I would talk to them the same way I would like someone to talk to me; open and honestly.

Scenario #3: Tell them we are friends, you are a very good friend to me and I see you as my brother and I don't do family. I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way, I am flattered but, no thank you. You still coming over to watch the game Sunday?

Scenario #4: I am not a cheater so this wouldn't happen, I'm married so if I go on vacation my fling is gonna be with my hubby. If I were single and I found myself attracted to other people its time to break up, if cocoa looks good elsewhere then its time to move on.

Lady4Real said...

I agree with you, telling the truth is a sign of respect. To me lying is a sign that I don't respect you and I think you are dumb enough to believe the shiggity that I am saying to your dumb@$$. I prefer to tell the truth, "The truth shall set you free, but first it will cause you misery." I prefer to be free and miserable then bound and miserable.

thinklikeRiley said...

I. Am. Riley. I put it plain.
1. Bruh, your girl givin' the ass out round town. Check dat.
2. Ninja you can't rap. Get off da stage
3. Dat ain't how we roll. Ain't nobody asked ya to catch feelings
4. I had sex wi' her. I make love to you. If you gonna let sex come between our love? Something really wrong. (Shout out to Eddie Murphy)
Next question?

The Husky Bro said...

1. I say nothing because, in my opinion, they're on a hunting expedition, looking for anything to lay blame to and if you were to say something at that point, 9 times out of 10, they're going to get mad at you for not saying something sooner, regardless of what you thought you saw and/or your perceptions of what you saw.

2. I'll tell them that they suck. Yes, I'll do it. Hell yes. BUT, I let them read my review before its published. Real friends don't let you embarrass yourself.

Sidebar: I've always said that if JFK, Jr. had some black friends, he would still be here because, A) We ain't abouts to get on a plane when we know your ass isn't that great of a pilot. B) and you had a broken leg or something, too? I want my airplane pilot to be in perfect health, you busted up, you let somebody else do the damn flying, John John. C) It was a Friday night and I just got paid? Oh, hell naw. To the club! We can get there tomorrow. Hell, you JFK, Jr, man! The party don't start until you walk in, playa. Now go take your broke leg ass somewhere and sit it down, tonight. Holla. Where was I, oh yeah...

Now if you continue to do your thang, at least I've said my part and I will support you, no matter if you do look like Boo Boo The Fool up there.

3. If I'm a friend, I have to tell them the truth. That's not fair to them to "spare their feelings" and drag out a situation if you don't have feelings for them. Just do it in public, near a police station, just in case something wicked jumps off. Can never be too safe.

4. Depends on how deep I'm in a relationship with my lady. Hell, if I'm in love with the woman, I'm not even looking at another woman, I don't care who she is and I don't care how "safe from being caught" the situation is. If I care for her, it doesn't enter my mind at all.

The Husky Bro said...

#4--on point.

The Husky Bro said...

#4 LOL

SassyNOLa said...

Scenario #1: You're out and about, you see a good friend's significant other in what appears to be a non-platonic situation with someone else. You say nothing but then later your friend asks you if you had any clue something was going on... what do you say?

A: "I had a feeling." But I would reference some kind of behavior or character flaws I saw in him and mention nothing about what I saw. At this point, she had confirmation that he was cheating so there's no need to mention something that simply "appeared non-platonic"- that's not strong enough to sound an alarm.

Scenario #2: A friend invites you to come listen to them perform. You go, they are terrible. I mean worse than Nicki Minaj rapping with the New York Philharmonic. [yes, that means bad] They ask you to write a review for them to post to their blog... what do you say?

A: "I don't think that was your best performance; when's the next one?" And then I would avoid.

Scenario #3: Somebody you have been friends with for a long time but feel zero cocoa chemistry with just told you that they think you two should try and take it to the next level. You can't imagine where the sizzle is coming from and you don't want to lose the friend... what do you do?

A: Tell him the truth- that I'm not attracted. Then, keep it moving. I would give a little space and time, but not so much that it would seem I was avoiding him or be awkward the next time we interacted. Then I'd just ignore it and go on.

Scenario #4: You are out of town on vacation and have a one-night weekend fling that nobody will ever (ever, ever) find out about. Problem is, you're in a committed relationship. Do you tell it on yourself or no? [For the record, refusal to answer this one tells me something in and of itself ;-0]

A: Absolutely not. If I was safe and have been tested, the only reason to tell the other person is to absolve my guilt. I can't imagine myself doing it the first time, but I certainly wouldn't do it again. If we're happy and the relationship is good and this was a one time slip up, there is no reason to tell.

BluAssassin said...

Scenario #1 - Already I have issues with this because I would have said something from the jump. But, I'll play along. Yes, I would tell her what I saw. The reason most people don't get involved in these type situations is because they don't want to be the messenger that got shot.

Scenario#2 - I would tell them that I don't think that I am the best person to write a review for their blog. <== That's called diplomacy. It's not a lie, persay... LOL

Scenario #3 - I would tell him that I'm just not that into him. Thanks, but no thanks. NEVER string anybody along just because you're scared to tell the no. This should be against the law or something.

Scenario #4 - See, I would never cheat. I believe cheating is for cowards. But, I'll play along. Yes, I would not only tell him that I cheated, but I would break up with him. Obviously I don't think very much of him or our relationship if I cheated...

Yes, I think honesty is always the best policy. You don't have to be rude. No one is ever confused about where they stand with you. People will respect you and your word. And there's less to remember. I always prefer you tell me the truth, even if you think it will hurt my feelings. I promise you, I will survive.

blackprofessor said...

Scenario #1 – It depends on who the friend is. If we are really good friends and I consider them like family, I tell. If is more like an acquaintance or associate, I am silent as the day is long. They will figure it out if they don’t already know something is amiss.

Scenario #2 – I pass on the review but tell them to keep their day job!

Scenario #3 – I tell the truth – I love you like a brother. I have been on the receiving end of the whole “I don’t like you like that” so I know that honesty is best. It didn’t feel good but I at least I knew where I stood with that person.

Scenario #4 – I will be the bad guy but that was almost me! I almost cheated on my college boyfriend to have a fling but I just couldn’t do it. Boy, was I tempted! I did tell him that we had some problems we needed to work on in our relationship as I was starting to wander literally and figuratively. We tried to work it out but eventually broke up. I am glad I didn’t cheat because it wouldn’t have been worth it and I realized that years later.

BluAssassin said...

Pure comedy! LOL

aishao1122 said...

4. I had sex wi' her. I make love to you. If you gonna let sex come between our love? Something really wrong. (Shout out to Eddie Murphy)<----- O_o No bueno

MidWestDominicana said...

#1 That's a toughy. Probably ask the friend how things are and if the s/o has a brother/sister in town that they're hanging out with. Be very casual and non-accusatory about what I saw or thought I saw and keep it moving. No need to arouse unncessary suspicion, but maybe helpful to suggest a check in.

#2 I write the review as diplomatic as possible and highlight my friend's strengths (beautiful smile, glowing personality, etc.) I may also suggest other artists/acts that the audience might enjoy (casting no shade on friend, but gently steering audience away). Don't want to break their spirit or desire, but there will be some constructive criticism later.

#3 Been here....a warm hug and a sincere expression of appreciation and gratitude for their honesty and forthcoming revelation. I would then proceed to explain how much I value their friendship and everything that has come with it, letting them know that I would never want to jepoardize the relationship by introducing romance.

#4 Like Lady below, since I am happily married, there is zero chance of this happening, but if for some reason, I end up in a parallel universe and lose my ever loving mind, then I would most likely tell my mate. I took the choice away from them when I cheated, the least I can do is give them the chance to decide whether or not they want to stay with me.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Scenario 1: I guess I'm just a hater, or nosy, or whatever, because if I see my girl's (only a really close friend) SO out with another woman (that I don't know) - I'm walking up, introducing myself, and having a full conversation where I get the 411. And if I had a smart phone, I'd videotape the convo. Then, instead of telling the girl outright, I'd jsut mention that I saw the SO, and met person x, and blah blah blah. I will let her put two and two together. Yes, I've done this before. One time the girl exited stage left, the other time she stayed and got played.

Scenario 2: I wouldn't write the review. I'd say stuff about the venue/event and that they performed, and I would give them face-to-face constructive criticism. But caterwailing does not get the Just_A_Thought cosign.

Scenario 3: Been there done that. We talked so much about what could go wrong that when it didn't work out (due a family issue on his part), there were some minor bumps and now we are almost back to where we used to be as friends. If the situation comes up again, I'd just tell them that I value their friendship too much and couldn't go there with them.

Scenario 4: Hmm, if I'm pulling something like this, I'm 90% out of the door anyway. In my undergrad days, if I did this while exiting an unhappy relationship, I would have told out of spite. Nowadays, I don't believe in throwing daggers just to throw them, so I wouldn't tell but I'd leave the relationship.

If I were in a good relationship that I wanted to continue, and for some reason I lost my mind and pulled some shiggity like this, I wouldn't tell.

LA said...

#1 - I stay out of situations like this. Plain and simple. The only time I get involved in somebody else's relationship is when someone is getting physically hurt.
#2 - As tactfully as possible tell it to my friend straight, but I wouldn't write a review in a public forum. If they are trying to make a go of being a performer, they need to know the truth before someone else who isn't going to be nice about it tells them.
#3 - I've been on both ends of this scenario. It stings a little to hear that someone you're feeling isn't feeling you the same way, but you respect your friend a lot more for being honest and not ruining what you do have by stringing him/her along or avoiding the issue.
#4 - I'm married and no one's cocoa even interests me but my husband's. When I was single I got real close to sleeping with another man while away on a biz trip. I never told my BF, but I broke up with him very soon after citing our existing issues. The almost-fling was just a symptom of the cracks in our relationship's foundation, so there was no need to tell him.

aishao1122 said...

1) As i stated yesterday i have been played the fool once, and no one told me, so I would snitch you like my name is canary and this is a coal mine

2)O_O you would have never made it to the stage with me as your friend. If you can't sing I would have let you know a long time ago. "There are dreams and then there are fantasies, sweetheart your dream is a fantasy, and everyone else's nightmare. Sit Down. Love ya still"

3)Your not Taye Diggs, I'm not Sanaa Lathan and this isn't brown sugar, put it back where it came from and we'll pretend this never happened

4)If you cheat on your partner there are issues you need to take care of. that's not even a scenario I would entertain, so no I wouldn't have to tell because i wouldn't cheat Period.

aishao1122 said...

Scenario 1: I casually mention how nice it was to run into the SO and his/her friend the other day at ___. If my friend doesn't seem surprised, I leave it at that. If s/he seems shocked, though, then I'm going to say something along the lines of "I haven't been introduced to that guy/girl yet, but they seemed to be having fun." And then I'm going to leave it unless my friend specifically asks what I saw, because

A) I have poly friends, so there's no guarantee my friend didn't know and B) I don't want to be "the reason we broke up." They need to talk to each other. <---- true, but sometimes you can also tell when things aren't on the up and up. if your using your attitude and the way you said it that's one thing, but some will use it to start drama, if we're good friends then i pretty much know who your dating right? So i would use your wording and mention it.

DesertBlack said...

# 4 Well Said!

Monica said...

1. You cannot win. If you tell, you could be accused of being a hater who doesn't want to see them happy. If you don't and they find out later then you hear "why didn't you tell me?" I'd probably tell because I don't want to carry that kind of knowledge around meanwhile my friend thinks everything is cool.

2. I'm acquainted with more than a few artists. If I like you, I'm helping you set up your show or I attend rehearsal. By the time you'd ask me to write a review, you'd know where I stand.

3. It sucks when this happens. I'm going to hurt the feelings of someone who didn't do anything wrong. I'd say something like, "I treasure the friendship we have, and I think it's beautiful in it's own right, but I've never envisioned us being in a sexually intimate relationship." I've been the one to tell a friend how I felt only to be told he wasn't feeling the same. It stings but you get over it.

4. If my happily married self lost my mind and decided to have a fling with someone else, I'm carrying that mess to the grave with me.

rozb said...

Scenario 1: If you have already stated a distaste for her man (or his woman), saying something might get lost in the translation and be mistaken for hate and jealousy. In this case, be there for your friend, and lose the urge to utter that most-hated phrase "I told you so." When asked if you knew, be honest and let her know what you saw, and why you kept quiet. if she called you jealous before, then this should be understandable. If you were supportive of the relationship, take a moment to decide when and where to tell your friend, with any embellishments or exaggeration of the scene, and let them take it from there. Depending on what you saw, it could have been something as innocent as a cheerful lunch, to something as sordid as grinding on each other in a dark corner at the club. Just state the facts, and leave it at that.

Scenario 2: When asked to do something like this by a friend, shouldn't she have already been told by you that she doesn't have the pipes? This is tantamount to letting your girl go out with the back of her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose and saying that she looks awesome. Go and support her, but let her know that you don't do reviews of your friends - good, bad, or indifferent. If you never did it for anyone before then this is so much easier to pull off.

Scenario 3: Just as in everything else, tell him that you do not date your friends. Just that simple. Be realistic - even FWBs (Friends with Benefits) aren't really friends. If there isn't any zing or zip at all, say something like "I don't think we have that 'thing" between us, but you are an awesome man - that is why we are friends. However, I know some really great women who would be lucky to have you and I want you to meet one of them. Although you aren't for me, you are too good of a person to be out there just looking. Let me hook you up, okay?" Then sincerely do just that. Or you could leave out the whole hook-up aspect and just be real without being harsh.

Scenario 4: I can't wrap my mind around this one, because when I have been in committed relationships and out of their area, I just chill out. I avoid those situations that cause issues, like being in an unfamiliar place out drinking and partying, only to get lonely and vulnerable. If you think you are going to be getting thirsty for some cocoa, then keep fresh batteries in your luggage for your substitute stirrer. I'm just sayin'...

Monica said...

iDied @ your Sidebar. I also agree.

J B said...

1) I have a pact with my friends--we're telling each other. Photographic/audio evidence welcome.

2) "It was nice to see you perform"....

3) I've been on both sides of this...and both sides suck. Once you reveal feelings like this, there's always a chance that the friendship will end. I'd have to be honest.

I have a friend that for years I was clueless about how he felt about me. My friends kept telling me, but I never saw it til one day he gushed about how wonderful it was to work with me, which we hadn't done in two years. Lightbulb time. Also awkward...because I liked his best friend at the time.

4) I'd have to speak up....because I don't want karma to bite me.

rozb said...

Riley - straight and not watered down even a little bit! Yeah!

rozb said...

Loving the sidebar, as most of the Black folks I know said The. Same. Damn. Thing.

rozb said...

I have a friend who said "Karma must think my ass is delicious because it is forever biting me in it!"

I don't want to get bit by it either.

Paul on Ice said...

First, I'm tripping off all these people saying what would NEVER happen. You just don't know what life has up it's sleeve. Next, unless I;m absolutely sure of what I saw, I don't speak on it. If you don't have talent, someone needs to tell you way before you hit the stage. As for the Friend Zone, I don't wanna be strung along so I wouldn't do that to anybody else. As for number four... no.

Deb B said...

I try to be honest but you have to weigh the benefits and harm.
1) Who does it help to cosign ratchetassness (thanks for the word Chele) after the fact? No one.
2) It does more harm than good NOT to tell my friend that they are without talent. So I tell but no review
3) It's better that everybody knows what page we're on. I shut it down as nicely as I can
4) Who benefits from the telling? Not me, not him, not the person I cheated with. No telling.

Deb B said...

Classic Riley.

Deb B said...

I don't understand the contradiction between your FIRST sentence and you're answer to #4?

C Nelson said...

Like I said, I have poly friends. I don't keep a playbook, and really wouldn't want to. So I know the primary pairs -- Mary and Casey, say, or Rose and Josh -- but while I may hear of the secondaries in passing, I wouldn't know them to look at, and it's quite possible I've never heard their names. This is also something I think every couple I know has tried at some point, and some worked and some didn't, so even if I don't know they're poly, well, this could be their time to experiment and they just didn't tell anybody yet. So I go slow, try not to hurt any feelings, but make sure friend knows SO was out with somebody and they ought to talk about it if they haven't yet.

SingLikeSassy said...

1. It depends on the friend.

2. I'm a working journalist and I have to be careful about what I attach my name to so I would never agree to do the blog review even if they COULD sing. I might tell them I don't care for their singing style. Depends on the friend.

3. I would be honest and tell them while I valued their friendship, I didn't see us moving in the direction of a romantic relationship.

4. Honestly, this isn't my style. I'm too skurred of being skinned and worn like a leather jacket to be off somewhere with some strange man in a strange place getting some "strange." Would I tell it? No.

OneChele said...

Drama avoidance - makes sense.

OneChele said...

I am so feeling your #2 answer. Everyone's a critic and an aspiring something...

OneChele said...

Interesting #4 - food for thought

OneChele said...

I'm a little slick?

Suebhoney1125 said...

Scenario # 1: Yes I would tell. I would tell the second I saw them with someone else. I have made this proclamation to my good friends and their S/O's as a group : " If I see you I'm bustin' you out" just so you know not to frequent any place that you think I might go. Had this happen to me. a good friend's husband was out with someone who wasn't her. I saw them before he saw me and I approach him with "Hey- who is this?" He tried to tell me it was his "cousin" and i politely said "Nice try" but remember I have known and been hanging out with you since High School, so I know personally all of your family and she is not one of them " then he started babblin, so I just said that 'I've seen you and I wil be tellin". He beat me to it.

Scenario # 2 : You mean like Kim on Real Hoodwives of Atl (I know, I leave bougieland on Sunday nights for an hour-don't judge me)I don't know if I would tell the truth about this one, I would probably make my comments very vague or either decline to write the review. I would feel like I might be dashing someone's dream.

Scenario # 3: I would have to tell them the truth, that I just don't feel that way about them (because Coco chemistry plays a big part) and pray that I say it in a way that won't hurt any feelings or the friendship.

Scenario #4: In the words of the US Armed Forces: "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

OneChele said...

Good stuff. Sometimes you can say everything right it goes wrong anyway.

OneChele said...

I like that "personal integrity check" - going to use it!

OneChele said...

1) Not break up his happy home?!
2) I don't watch Idol but I wonder the same thing. People are doing them no favors by allowing them to get on TV and make complete idiots of themselves.
3) Did you say the worst cocoa ever in the history of cocoa making?! HA!
4) Good point.

OneChele said...

Excellent point. Lying is a HUGE sign of disrespect.

OneChele said...

Love the bob and weave!

OneChele said...

That the lovely thing about the blogosphere, you just have to take it as is.

OneChele said...

LOL @ your #4

OneChele said...

That is the crux of it.

OneChele said...


OneChele said...

As to the sidebar, you ain't never lied. At least one black friend would have said "G4 homie."

OneChele said...

I have used that "I had a feeling" line and then they were positive I knew more than I was letting on. It's a definite lose-lose.

OneChele said...

"Diplomacy" - well played!

OneChele said...

That's an interesting way to look at it Deb.

Penny said...

Dead @ "I've seen you and I will be tellin."

ASmith said...

Just the distraction I need right before this final. Preshate ya, 'Chele (cause I'm spazzing and therefore annoying the shiggity out of myself)...

1: I'm assuming by "later" you mean after the friend finds out there was some less than stellar activity going on. My answer would be "no." I can accept that may be lying, in the grand scheme of things, but one thing I know to be true is that no one wants to know you knew something about them that they either didn't know themselves or didn't tell you. I've learned that lesson more than once, the hard way. Plus, I feel like if I didn't see a need to tell them initially, what's the point in telling them now (and further, why are they even asking me...) If that's lying, I can live with that because I just don't see a point in telling the truth and having to deal with THOSE consequences. Their relationship is over (or struggling, whichever) and what I knew or didn't know makes no difference at that point.

2: Yikes! I really don't know. I have a friend who's been in music for a number of years and his early stuff wasn't the best, but I never told him. I'd offer some pointers on what I thought might make it better, but I never would out and out say, "that was terrible" even when it was. I might try to get out of writing the review or try to couch the review in a way that focuses on something positive... that's a tough one, but I don't know if my inclination would be to tell them I thought it was horrible...

3: On this one, I have to be up front. "I feel no chemistry, and I think we work best the way we are..." Of course, I'd do that knowing that that might end our friendship (cause some folks are all or nothing) but I would rather it end because I was honest and kept us out of a whole lot of ish than because I went ahead and did something I knew I didn't want to do. I know that in the latter scenario, things WILL end because I feel no chemistry and then I'll end up resenting the friend for even bringing this into an otherwise good friendship.

4: No. I don't tell on myself. Here's why: that's my guilt to bear. Most folks tell on themselves because they feel bad. That's not my partner's responsibility to bear that -- it's mine. I shouldn't have done it and these are the consequences: guilt. Now if he asked me straight up (just randomly, mayhaps <-- love it, Chele) that's a different issue and I don't know. Probably not, even then.

Ok. I'm off to hopefully slay this final. AGH! :)

William Martin said...

I just came off of a three month rotation in the ER full of folks who decided to tell the truth at the wrong time. Truth is great but behind it comes consequences.
1) As we say in the South - My name is Bennett and I ain't in it.
2) Must be told and no, I'm not putting it in print
3) 9 times out of ten, I've already considered moving out of the friend zone. So if I haven't made that move up to now, no need to wade in at this point.
4) Unless someone has video and DNA, it's going to the grave.

Cynthia Johnson said...

Psycho Mike Part 1 + Part 2 = Best Story Ever!!!

'Tis all!

Joycelyn Curry said...

1. Very shortly after attending a law school friend's wedding, her husband walked in with a woman while I was having dinner with my some of my line sisters. I actually agonized about whether to say anything but opted not to as they had just had a baby and felt like maybe I was mistaken but I sent her a text during the meal and she told me he was at work and not the Olive Garden where I sat eyeballin' him willing him to look over. Since I was silent then, I will take it to the grave.

2. The shock on my face from the first errant note would likely be a dead give-away to the lack of ability. I would then invite them to have a seat with me, in the background.

3. This has happened and I was honest but in a nice way.

4. I don't believe in cheating but if by some shifting of the cosmos this happened, I likely would not tell because that is only to make myself feel better. I would likely cause a fight and break up since that would be an indication that there were issues already.

Cha Keziah said...

1. I've done it before and I'd do it again - to me, that's what friendship is; I roll with the "better are the wounds of a faithful friend than the kisses of a stranger" scripture all day long. And, it doesn't have to be on a mean "yo, your man is cheating," vibe, could just be a "hey, so i think i saw such and such, you may want to look into it."
2. I've always wondered if those people who go on a performance based reality show (i.e. Idol or So You Think You Can Dance) and truly suck have friends. So yeah, I wouldn't write the review but would politely say that maybe their strongest talent lies in another area.
3. I'd pull the "maybe we'd be better as friends." If I was sure they could take it if nothing worked, maybe I'd go forward and do one-two dates just to see if it could work we'd just be better as friends.
4. I sincerely pray I'd never be in this situation. But if I was, I think I'd have to tell and (quite possibly) end the relationship - because if I'm stepping out then, really I'm not that committed.

And a side note: I think a lot of this comes down to tone/demeanor. Sometimes it's not so much that you tell the truth as how you tell it. Like Chele alluded to with yesterday's posts, sometimes tone can do as much damage as the actual words. I'm learning to tell hard truths with a ton of love.

OneChele said...

LOL! Unless you lived it?! ;-)

OneChele said...

Good luck!

Jason P said...

1. Last year, had a line brother who was getting married. Saw his intended buckwilding at a club. Dropped dime. They turned on me. Got married anyway. Already divorced. He and I are cool now. If I had to do over again? Wouldn't say a word.
2. I will tell people if they suck. To them. Privately.
3.Best to shoot straight on that one
4. If I was dumb enough to cheat, I'm dumb enough to admit to it.

OneChele said...

I do know a girl who videotaped her best friend's man out with some other woman. She put it up on facebook all innocent like "Ran into so and so today." When all hell broke loose, she took it down. Messy.

OneChele said...

Your #1 is probably a good policy!

OneChele said...

Dead ~~> Your not Taye Diggs, I'm not Sanaa Lathan and this isn't brown sugar, put it back where it came from and we'll pretend this never happened

OneChele said...

In your Number 1 - I think that's SOOO important. If you didn't like the SO from jump, it's not going to look good coming from you. No matter how you couch it.

OneChele said...

That Karmic Boomerang is a b*tch. Stay whoopin' me upside the head and neck region

OneChele said...

Never is a long time but I think most folks have a good idea of where their limits are. Then again, maybe not.

OneChele said...

1. Excellent point
2. I SOOO get this
3. Nicely said
4. Too much Silence of the Lambs! Then again, I'm always worried about ending up in a dumpster clutching a purple BlackBerry in my hand. Folks iz crazy.

OneChele said...

LOL - They can't say you didn't warn them in advance

OneChele said...

Pretty good answers!

OneChele said...

I may steal your story from #1 for a book.

OneChele said...

Good one: better are the wounds of a faithful friend than the kisses of a stranger

Yofabulous said...

1. Been through this before... I'd have pictures or video for back up next time. Either way, I'm still telling.
2. I would decline to write a review and give my critique in private.
3. I've been on the receiving end of this convo. Tried it - ruined the friendship. There'll be an awkward period, but I'd rather that than another bad relationship and lost friendship.
4. I don't like to "share", so if I'm in a committed relationship, this isn't happening. If I fell and bumped my head and started acting crazy, I'd take this "momentary madness" to the grave.

Nickoletta said...

#1 You wouldn't believe how many times I've been in this situation, and I never say a word because she already knows if something is wrong. I don't care what anybody says, a woman knows when her man is up to no good. She just chooses to turn the other cheek. On the flip side, I don't go gossiping about it either. I just take it to the grave. Matters of the heart are too complicated.

#2 I would give constructive criticism. When people put themselves in that type of arena, they should be prepared for all opinions....good or bad.

#3 I've been here before and I told him that I only wanted friendship. Things change when sex is thrown in the game and I just didn't want to lose his friendship. It meant entirely too much.

#4 I tell and suffer the consequences.

J. Jackson said...

Situation #1: I would have to tell my friend. It would eat away at my conscience if I didn't tell her what I saw. If I tell her and she says, "Oh you're hating" then I did my part by trying to warn her. If she decides that it's insignificant then that's on her.

Situation #2: This is tough. I would have to give my honest opinion, but I will try to throw some positives in there. (There has to be AT LEAST one!)

Situation #3: I would have to tell my friend, that I like him as a friend and that's all. I can't fake chemistry with the opposite sex. It's either there or not. I know it would hurt the guys feelings, but in the long run it would be for the best.

Situation #4: I probably wouldn't tell. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth

GammasWorld said...

I was with ya til #4 but I still adore ya :)

GrownAzzMan said...

Scenario #1 I am not telling and all of my friends ( and now all of Bougieland) know this. I don't care if I saw my boy's S/O playing buck-nekkid twister I am not saying a word. And I plan to be shocked if anything ever comes to light.

Scenario #2 I would politely share my thoughts and suggest they find someone else to write the review.

Scenario #3 Been there, done that, sent a postcard. Once in a lifetime is enough. I would decline and hope the friendship could be salvaged.

Scenario #4 Take.It.To.The.Grave.

I can't wait to read some of yall's answers, especially you CaliGirl and you too Riley. I see you over there...

GammasWorld said...

1. I'm telling -- with love and full awareness that she might be mad at me -- for a while. I don't have a lot of close "friends" but the folk I consider real friends, I owe it to them. Would I tell her I thought I saw your house smoldering before it became fully engulfed?

2. This is tricky but like so many others have said, I'd have to tell that in private and decline the review -- or tell them ask Chele to do it -- she's the professional writer :)

3. Like #1, if we're real friends, real though, I can tell him honestly that I just don't feel that way.

4. I really really really hope I never drink so much that I act this stupid. Having been cheated on, I can't IMAGINE doing this to my partner. With that said, I can fully understand why folk wouldn't tell but as for me and mine, we'd have to talk about it.

GrownAzzMan said...

Always entertaining!

BrendaKay said...

I'm using number 3 word-for-word for my own situation. Thank you Riley! :-)

Monna said...

1. If she is in my inner circle, I find a better way of delivering the message, knowing full well that it might back fire on me
2. I'm tone deaf, don't count on me to give the right assesment on this one.
3. Truth is the best weapon. Again, find a nice way of saying no.
4. I hope if this ever happens, it is with Maxwell,Idris or Michael Ealy. other than that I have no reason to go there. I will quote Tony Blair again, if you do not want to see it on Washingtonpost, do not put it on word document. Sealed, signed and delivered

Bethany Showell said...

1. Not a word. That ish always backfires. Some of my friends are none too bright and would end up back w/dude anyway.
2. Flat out no. Maybe cushioned with a "girl you know I can't write".
3. Been there, done that, never again. If it ain't there it ain't there and I have no problem saying so.
4. Life has secrets. That is one of them. Lips. Zipped.

CaliGirlED said...

1. laughed
2. nodded
3. chuckled

CaliGirlED said...

Come on facebook??? SMDH

CaliGirlED said...

"caterwailing"? LMAO

CaliGirlED said...

"O_O you would have never made it to the stage with me as your friend." Ha!

CaliGirlED said...

My cousin stopped speaking to her best friend who told her that the father of her two sons, and boyfriend of 14 years, is and has been, for more than 14 years, MARRIED with children... Come on cuz, you didn't know??? She just got mad because she knew that now her family and friends know what she's been knowing all along.

CaliGirlED said...

"And I plan to be shocked if anything ever comes to light." *dead*

Today was a rough day, gonna see if I can answer these tough questions Chele has laid before us. But you know Riley did Riley. LOL

Only the Tall said...

1. What people do inside or outside of their relationships is no business of mine (finishes her dinner in peace and tips the waiter respectfully.)
2. No, I would just tell her that I already have so much on my plate and have my own blog to think about. (which is true)
3. Will flat out say "if something was meant to happen between us, it would've happened a long time ago. Clearly we were meant to be friends.
4. Telling on yourself is just plain stupid and it's a way to unburden the guilt onto the innocent party. I did what I did because I wanted to do it, no reason to confess and or make the other person feel as if they were lacking in some way. What's done is done, hopefully it won't become a habit, if it does, it's really time to move on.

Jasmin said...

1. My original answer would've been yes, I'd tell, but after reading the comments I'm liking some of the other strategies (mention you saw him with a "friend", go over and say hey, etc.). It definitely depends on the friend, and even if it's a close friend, if I know she's excused his bullshiggity before, I'm not getting involved. The reason some people get mad at the messenger is because they already knew and are now embarrassed that someone knows their business.

2. I always record performances that people ask me to watch with my camera, so I'd show them the video and let them figure it out from there.

3. This has happened to me a lot, but none of the guys who've tried have been forward enough for me to have to have an out-and-out conversation about it. Usually I can just play dumb and they get the hint (or never get bold enough to make a real move).

4. I'd never do this* (never even come close), but if I did I'd tell him and probably break up with him. I can't see it lasting much longer after something like that.

*I agree with Paul about "never say never", but for a different reason. One of my professors runs a marriage counseling clinic on campus, and he made us write a recipe for protecting against infidelity in class, with the caveat that we couldn't just write "But I'd never do that" since plenty of people who say that exact phrase end up in counseling because someone cheated. I think your example was an extreme one (no holds barred in BougieLand!), but I agree it never hurts to be prepared. :-)

GrownAzzMan said...

"finishes her dinner in peace and tips the waiter respectfully" *fist bump*

CaliGirlED said...

1) As has been stated, depends on the friend. But if this is a close friend of mine, then I know her SO. I would step to him and ask, "So how do you want to handle this?"...But in sticking to your question, where you said I had already committed the sin of omission, then I would probably do as GAM said, and act shocked.

2) I think I would have to pull that trick men use when you ask them a question they don't want to answer, or while they think of their lie, "Huh?" "Umm"

3) "I appreciate you being honest with me, but I don't have the same feelings, I think we should just stay friends".

4) Have never cheated, have been cheated on. What I say is, "Why didn't you just leave me?" So while I don't see myself doing this, IF it was to happen, I wouldn't tell him. (Chele you did say that nobody will ever (ever, ever) find out, right?)...But I would more than likely put an end to the relationship.

I hate lying and I hate being lied to. So it makes my stomach turn to be put in these kind of situations. Like I said in yesterday's post, I don't like hurting people's feelings so there have been times when I have lied to preserve someone's feelings. To quote A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"

CaliGirlED said...

I like how you said, "...if I know she's excused his bullshiggity before, I'm not getting involved." YES YES YES! As to being embarrassed, I just spoke on that below regarding my cousin, mad cause now everybody knows what she's always known.

Only the Tall said...

Aww, fist bump backatcha, kid.

reefinyateef said...

Thanks for linking to PhyscoMike, im a new reader and wow! You definitely lived through a lifetime movie! Doesn't keeping the ring remind you of that horrible time though?

As far as the scenarios:

S1: definitely tell the friend, but be honest about what you saw. Don't be on some "he/she was definitely cheating" if you're not absolutely sure of it

S2: something similar happened to me recently - an old intern of mine who did a completely average job asked for a linked in review. I gave one but I didn't exaggerate- i explained what he did and nothing more.

S3: be honest. If they are really a friend then you won't lose them completely, though it will be awkward.

S4: you tell. If you have the fling then theres obviously some issues that need to be worked out, which more than likely will involve ending the current relationship.

sunt97 said...

Scenario #1- Trust I am going to ease up on this person so they know my presence is there. I probably will have a nice little chit chat about WTF is he or she doing. But if I did what you said and let it go and was asked later, I probably would not say yes. Even though I am lying what would be the point of making the person feel worse about it. Sucks either way.

Scenario #2- I would say it was terrible in the nicest way possible. If there was someone there that actually enjoyed it I would talk about their experience and then mention that it just wasn't my thing.

Scenario #3- Yeah I have had this happen an occasion. First of all it was kind of uncomfortable because of how well the person knew me and I wondered how long they had felt that way. I joked with him about it and eventually he stopped talking about it all together. On the other hand I mixed the cocoa with a friend and our relationship was never the least for me. He was happy but not me, I am still trying to erase it from memory, hence the light spot on my forehead where I have been rubbing. So next time if it happens I will pass.

Scenario #4- Yep been there too and I cheated. Do I regret it? Sightly, not to the point where I wanted to come clean about it. I am sure when I find the right guy, I won't even hesitate to walk away from that idea. Now yes I have one huge weakness in my life and he gets me every time but I hope if I am in a real committed relationship the desire will not even be there.

Peace, Love and Chocolate

Ms. Jay said...

Scenario #1: I would have sent her a text like , hey I think I see your man here with someone else.

Scenario #2: I would respectfully decline to write a review ,but tell them stay in your lane - this isnt it .

Scenario #3: Tell them that you would rather keep a close friend versus ruining it for the potential cocoa .

Scenario #4: Did you get knocked up , then Im not sure its worth ruining the relationship for .

Joycelyn Curry said...

Steal away. In real life it was very awkward especially once I realized she believed him to be at work as I looked dead at him.

Evansaw said...

1: Tell her
2: Just say, I don't write reviews for friends, I want to be your friend a while longer. Then tell them why.
3:Tell them you are flattered, but the friendship means too much to risk on something that will probably not work out.
4:If you plan to marry the SO, 'fess up. If you are not sure, keep it close. It always pays to be truthful in these situations, because lies are like snowballs rolling down a hill, they get bigger and bigger as time goes on. I know most will not agree, but believe me, as time goes on, that secret will weigh heavy on you, and you will be surprised, but that it might come out in the heat of anger one day.

Evansaw said...

And people don't realize how hard it is to "take something to the grave". It is not that easy. If you are married to someone for a very long time, it will eventually come out, so it is better to be honest in the beginning. This would be a good measure of whether or not the relationship with the SO is worth saving, cause if you are cheating, then there have got to be problems somewhere anyway.

MotownMs said...

Don't need to repeat when it has been said right here.

keishabrown said...

1. yes. you know you would want to know.
2. would still write, but focus on the positive. there is ALWAYS positive. aka: if you are a fan of (find something comparable or unique/diff/off the mainstream)..this will be up your alley!
3. ah.. its a trap! we're told that it isnt always about the sizzle, to think outside your box blah blah.. so i guess a date can't hurt right?
4. no. karma mi no likey.


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