Monday, December 27, 2010

Snowpocalypse Now: A Warning Tale


(OneChele had to slide down a huge mountain in North Carolina and traverse hills, valleys and slushy highways to escape Snowpocalype 2010. Tucked safely at home now, I thought I'd share a tale. For those of you that missed this last year... don't be this guy)

So, one of my readers shared on Saturday that he was snowed in up in Virginia. I said as long as he had food, water, electricity and an internet connection he was all good. One problem, he also had Friday night's one night stand snowed in with him. Ruh-roh. Monday afternoon, I got the full story and I felt it worthy to be called a BougieTale:

Our reader codenamed "U Don't Know Me" (we'll call him UDK) headed out into DMV nightlife and met an attractive female. Now either she fell for his lines or he fell for hers, maybe they both recognized what the other wanted, who knows. Either way, these two returned to UDK's home in a new subdivision in the VA for some adult aerobic activity. After repeated aerobic exertions, the duo fell asleep. UDK awoke to a disturbing sight. A pillowful of hair… no head attached. Her semi-bald head was somewhere near his feet. Not knowing what to make of this, he started to rise. She stirred and smiled at him, "Hey Derek, breakfast?" He noticed that her lengthy lashes from the night before were now stuck to her forehead and cheek. Again - disturbing. 

His name was not Derek but if breakfast was what it took to get her moving on down the road, he was down. "Sure, eggs okay?" He hopped up, pulled on some sweats and headed downstairs. As he hit the bottom step he heard her say, "Oh, my hair came off!" Yeah it sure did. No harm, no foul. When you pick up someone at a dimly lit club after midnight, these are the chances you take. It wasn't until he stood in the kitchen whisking eggs that he noticed. It was deadly quiet outside. Granted, brand new condo complex, not a lot of folks yet but he could usually hear people on the main road beginning those Saturday errands. He flipped on the TV and saw the words "Winter Blizzard" flashing across the bottom of the screen. Before the weatherman would finish saying "Many roads simply impassable…" he looked out the window. And saw nothing but white for as far as his eyes could see.

Pulling on a coat and shoes he opened his condo door, the concrete landing and stairs were caked over and as he quickly found out as he landed on his ass, under that snow was ice. "John, are we snowed in?" He heard a voice behind him ask. His name wasn't John either but at this point he knew it didn't matter. "Just until the sand trucks come through, let's get some breakfast." To say that the pick-up chick did not look as delectable in the harsh light of day was unfair. After all, her club makeup was smudgy, her wig was crooked and the outfit that was sexy at 2:00a.m. suffered in sobriety tilting towards skanky. No matter, breakfast, rock salt, sand, a 30 minute drive and he'd never see her again. At least that was UDK's prayer.

His prayer was not answered. In condensed format, for the next 26 hours he made 17 frantic calls to city, county, property manager workers begging (pleading) for someone (anyone) to assist him in forklifting his one night stand (who swore her name was Sugar) out of his domicile. At one point, he attempted to purchase a snow-plow from a construction company. They were happy to sell it to him but it wouldn't be delivered until 3-days later.

He attempted to get to his car and get it going. His cute sportscar (which he referred to as a "ho-getter") was not built to climb ice-covered slopes. His new complex was built in a valley-type location (master plan FAIL) so NO one without a serious four-wheel drive, snow chains and a ton of de-icer was making it out.

During their time together, UDK discovered that Sugar was a weeper (cried at the drop of a hat) with a tiny bladder and the inability to recall anything close to his name. She was also a talker, did not appreciate football and felt comfortable enough to help herself to his food and drink at regular intervals. At first light, UDK placed Sugar on a homemade sled fashioned by himself and his neighbor. They drug Sugar through 75 yards of frosty snowbanks to the main road where her step-dad's work friend scooped her up in a Hummer and took her away... never to be heard from again (he hopes).

So I asked UDK if he understood the moral to this story? He said yes. "Always check the next day's weather forecast before you bring someone home with you." Umm - no. I offered up this instead, "Never bring anyone home at night if you're not sure you want to see them in the morning." What do you think BougieLand? Got a moral for UDK? Any snowy horror stories to share?

50 comments:

Melzie said...

ROFL! Absolutely hilarious. I agree with ya, Chele. You never know and actually it's best not to let the sun (or snow in this case) catch ya.

*For the record, fellas, don't let UDK's (John...Derek?) experience taint your impression of women from the DMV :-)!*

Steve said...

I remember this one but it was worth a re-read! Playa fail. All the way around...

MariSol said...

Please tell me her name wasn't really Sugar?!
Actually, just tell me what he had to drink so I don't (ever) repeat that cocktail!

sugahoneyicedtea said...

*laughs so hard tears are rolling down her face while cluching her stomach and gasping for breath* Poor Jonrek. That's I (mostly) talk to guys in the daytime. So you (and I ) get what we see

*forgive any typos please, I'm at work typing on my phone.

Tonda Williams said...

WoW.just.WoW!

This certainly reminded me of my one AND only "Snowmare"....Fortunately, it was NOT with a one night stand but with the guy I was dating. It happened during our "perfect" Valentine's weekend. We got up Sunday morning and a quick peep out the window made it clear that we'd be snowed in for DAYS, if we didn't get out soon.

Problem #1-I worked in DC
Problem #2-He lived AND worked in Delaware
Problem #3-We were snowed in my condo in suburban MARYLAND *sigh*

My VIPs had arrived that morning (hospitality industry) and not being there to greet them was NOT an option, so I packed a 4 day bag and he decided to take me to work (I'm a Florida native, so driving in snow was also NOT an option), then he'd drive to Delaware.

Problem #4-It took us 4 hours, 6 stops to dig ourselves out and 4 trucks with chains to get to DC.
Problem #5-DC had been declared state of emergency, he was NOT going anywhere.

No problem, he can simply crash in my suite till it was safe for him to drive! I admit that I'm bougie, EXTREMELY tidy, clean and aromatics give me LIFE or in this scenario DEATH. He was the complete opposite of EVERYTHING tidy and fresh....I spent 3 days, dealing with my "Snowtastrophe" ; high-maintenance celebrities, a 9 month pregnant celebrity, a city that was literally CLOSED and his repeated attempts to resume our Valentine celebration despite his "issues" *side eye*.

Needless, to say, THAT episode ENDED his chapter completely.

CaliGirlED said...

"He was the complete opposite of EVERYTHING tidy and fresh..." *dead*

CaliGirlED said...

That story still is and will always be hilarious! Moral: When you name your car "ho-getter", that's exactly what you're going to "get".

YardieChicie said...

Oh wow. XD I'm cracking up over here!

michaeldavis said...

*comes back in a future life, dies again*

michaeldavis said...

Messed up his name.... TWICE. What does that tell you? And did her eyelashes survive the sled pull?

CaliGirlED said...

No you did not ask about her eyelashes! LOL

leressa said...

OMG!!!!! I CANNOT stop laughin!! this is just tooooooooooooooo much!!! I can't... I just can't even begin to say how wrong this is on so many levels but the homeade sled...now that just made my day!!!!

keisha brown said...

i. just. cant.
hall of walk of shame. fame. LMAOOOOOO

michaeldavis said...

LOL inquiring minds want to know

Monna said...

*fist pump*

Monna said...

ROTFLMAO! I can't get the imagery out of my mind.

J. Jackson said...

LMFAO! Uhm, I want to feel bad for UDK, but every time I feel a little sympathy I start to laugh at his ridiculous story.

*DEAD* at him waking up to hair on his bed, and her eyelashes coming off. Ol' girl must have tried to do the two for one special with the hair and eyelashes... Po' thang.

You know this story reminds me of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka" when Keenan realized that Anne-Marie Johnson wasn't the voluptuous woman he met in the club, "These gorgeous green eyes I have... are contacts. This voluptuous rear end (changed words here) I have, fake!"

UDK, I REALLY hope you learned your lesson, but I have a feeling you didn't...LOL!

Tonda Williams said...

That statement was as bougie as I could be, especially since telling the story evoked ALL of the disturbing memories *scents included*

Tonda Williams said...

Messed up his name twice and NEITHER name was remotely similar to "his" OR each other (Derek/John)...

I can't with the "Club Skanks"...*smdh*

William Martin said...

Sir, the club pick-up is so BougieFAIL. Coffee shop in sunlight, son! Where you can better ascertain what's real and what's... uh, acquired on a person. And furthermore, not every chick is Vicky Vale - in other words, not everyone gets an invite to the Bat Cave. Just sayin'

Only the Tall said...

I'm with Mr. Martin on this one : "coffee shop in sunlight". Mistake no. 1: picking up someone IN A CLUB. EWW! Mistake no. 2. Taking them home?! People trip me out just meeting someone and then bringing them back to your home, girlfriend could've been a serial killer, robber, etc.

Brneyed1 said...

LMAO!! So, sooooo sad, on sooo many levels!!

OneChele said...

Points for the Vicky Vale reference

GrownAzzMan said...

Best reason to live in Cali. Ever.

GrownAzzMan said...

Vicky Vale. *fist bump*

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

I. cannot. breathe. or. stop. laughing. UDK: stick to iced tea and daylight, son, you'll be safer. *Exits with tears rolling down cheeks and paroxysms of hysterical laughter*

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

Could be worse! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QHVg6eZk7w

CaliGirlED said...

One can't help but be reminded of that scene. First thing that comes to mind! LOL!!!

CaliGirlED said...

I know right. Even after an earthquake you can send someone packing on their merry little way! LOL

blackprofessor said...

I can't with this tale!! No words at this absurdity other than I hope he learned his lesson!

GrownAzzMan said...

I almost forgot Arsenio had a career...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

Did the earth move? No that was me baby...LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Ok I see Santa has come and gone, he took "nice" with him and left "naughty" behind. LOL

Wanyanak said...

I am sorry but this whole story has made me laugh so hard I.just.can't stop!! I honestly hope he did learn a lesson other than 'check next day's weather before...'

YardieChicie said...

I know, right? Why bring a stranger home? Isn't that why the Good Lord gave humans the sense to create hotels and motels?

rozb said...

I was stuck in internet No-Man's Land (my mother has no internet at her home in Connecticut, and we got snowed in - hard!) so I was looking forward to this. I am NOT disappointed!

The fact that he made a homemade sled to haul her out of there was just too much. Question - did he give her a plastic grocery bag for any hair follicles that did not stay in the wig? I am imagining a grown-A woman tucked on a piece of cardboard being pulled by two grown men to the snowbank by the street for pick up next to the recycle bins. Too. Damn. Funny.

Tonda Williams said...

WRONG.just.WRONG for NO damn reason.....*sigh*

David Chase said...

I want to feel bad for old boy but um - he should know better. He's lucky not to have ended up on an episode of Snapped. Thanks Chele for introducing me to that terrifying bit of television. :-/

rozb said...

GAM - you are bad!

rozb said...

I know, right?

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah David, damn a woman scorned, you need to be careful of one who has "Snapped"! That show is no joke!

Brittany Geneva said...

All I can say is hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

brownstocking said...

OMG, thank you for this! No words for UDK. Silly young man.

This was the best story of my week in bed with flu!

GrownAzzMan said...

Team. Naughty. All. Day.

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

"...Question - did he give her a plastic grocery bag for any hair follicles that did not stay in the wig? I am imagining a grown-A woman tucked on a piece of cardboard being pulled by two grown men to the snowbank by the street for pick up next to the recycle bins. Too. Damn. Funny...." *Dead again!* Welcome back @rozb!

Veronica Miller said...

This is PRECISELY why no one's admitted into the Bat Cave without proper credentials.

SingLikeSassy said...

Wow. I'm stuck on the chick going home with a complete stranger part of this story. In HIS car. With no means of getting away if he pulled out a machete and decided he liked my eyes and wanted to put them in his pocket. AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO WATCHES CSI/LAW&ORDER/BONES?! ::shakes head::

SingLikeSassy said...

Wait. He couldn't bathe?! I'm trying to get my head around smelling like hot scallions and thinking that's sexy....

Monica said...

Serves him right and shame on her.
*snickers*

I am too done at the homemade sled. I picture her trying to hold on to her unglued lacefront for dear life as she is being pulled.

Annette Evans said...

This is why one night stands should be outlawed. The brother better buy a four wheel drive backup for the next weather emergency. I heard that when Virginia has snow the whole state shuts down.....

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