Monday, December 20, 2010

I'm more than the sum of my parts - a minor rant


If I typed up 20 words off the top of my head that have been used to describe me (as in the graphic above) - what does that really tell you about me? Without context, not a whole lot. One of the things we lose from childhood to grownassness is the ability to just take people as they come. That whole 'play with you at recess so we're friends for life' thing? It fades as we get older. We start getting more caught up in appearance and class and clothes and things that really tell you nothing about the true character of someone else. Here begins a rant-

I distinctly remember a gathering with an ex where there were a lot of pro athletes. I was the only woman over a size 8 in the place. I was used to it and secure enough with myself and dude that I smiled and proceeded to get my party on. I went on about my evening, laughing, dancing, joking and drinking when one of the guys (now a Hall of Famer) walked over to announce, "You have the biggest most amazing breasts I've ever seen." I glanced down to make sure they were still covered (they were) and then blinked twice. Because seriously, what do you SAY to something like that? "I know, right?" is egotistical. "Thank you" is far too passive. "You must be joking?" is too confrontational. I settled on, "Um. Interesting." He said, "It's a compliment, I usually don't look at larger women. But you're beautiful. There's something about you."

Le Huge Damn Sigh. If I had a dime for every time someone told me how beautiful I was and then added or implied the "for a plus size girl" quantifier on there, I'd be (what is it I always say?) typing this from my own Caribbean island with a cabana boy named Raul serving me champagne and lobster. My favorite of these stories (and why I really dislike another well known soon to be Hall of Famer) took place at the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Said dude stepped on the elevator, glanced at me, away and back before saying, "You are a thick sexy thing. I would do you if I didn't respect the dude you were here with so much." He also proceeded to tell me I would be sexier if I flashed my boobs at him.  :-/

I had another less icky experience this weekend when I decided to pop out to a concert at the last minute. During intermission, the guy I went with left for a minute and his friend came to sit with me. "You're not his usual type, I mean, you're more curvy than expected but I get it. You're sexy as hell, gorgeous really. I approve." My mouth dropped open. He APPROVED?! For real tho?

These are NOT compliments. At all. Not the least bit flattering. I don't mind being told I'm full of figure. Yes, I know. I have mirrors and scales and life-long angst over calories and fat grams. But I rarely sit about dwelling on it unless it's specifically brought to my attention. I've always been healthy, able to attract and keep (for the most part) the men that I've wanted and look good in my clothes. (Maybe out of them too, I don't know. No complaints so far). I work out, cook the right things and drink lots of water just to maintain where I am right now. As you might have noticed from this blog, I suffer no self-esteem problems. [Bless my parents. They consistently told us we were the best and brightest, diamonds amongst a sea of dust and we believed them.]

I don't mind being told I'm pretty. It's nice to hear though I had very little to with it. [Thanks gene pool!] But I guess I'm of an age where I want to be more than the sum of my various parts. Where I'd like to be considered as more than my waist to hip (or in my case chest to hip) ratio and ability to slick on flattering lipstick and work a flat iron.

I'm saying that "pretty" and "curvy" don't define me. They are but two descriptors that make up all the Micheleness. I know, I know. The world is a superficial place. No one can see how witty and smart I am from across the room. At first glance, I'm LSLHBB (Light Skin, Long Hair, Big Boobs) I get it. But every now and then, I'm SOOO tempted to snap. "What did you score on your SAT? Oh really? Then I approve!" Or "How did you vote in the last election? Really? You're not my type." What if I told men, "You know you're not as tall, rich, cute, smart, insert quality here as I usually date, but you'll do." I can't imagine that going over well. But I'm supposed to flattered to be "approved of" in spite of my body type?

Not to exclude my Skinny Minnie sisters. They are forever telling me they catch hell for not being "thick" enough. Guys catch wreck for not being tall enough or buff enough - perhaps if we just kept our preferences to ourselves and just said, "Nice to meet you" and kept it moving? I don't know.

Most of you are aware that Paul Carrick Brunson, the Modern-Day Matchmaker, is kicking off his 2011 tour by co-hosting an event with me here in Dallas. He says that if he could remove the height qualifier from a woman's must-have list and the weight qualifier from a man's must-have list, he'd have people matched up in no time flat. 

I recall my eHarmony days and how you had to sum yourself up in sound bites that you hoped were intriguing to the other person. Let's try a variation on that today.

So what say you? If you had to describe yourself in ten words or less? Could you do it? 
Me? "Witty Southern writer with bougie tendencies and sense of humor." 

If you had describe your mate (the one you have or the one the want) in ten words or less... could you do it? Mine? "Godfearing man. Character with ambition, charm and conversation; into me." [Whew that's hard] 

Whatcha got? Thoughts, insights, comments? The floor is yours. 

152 comments:

Javalicious said...

Oh I'm so glad I peeked in just in case you posted today. Wow! Great one today. I think yo need to get more comfortable slapping people, seriously.
As for this exercise - Coffee-loving girl, sorta skewed very shrewd, loves her life. Okay, the 10 word qualifier is hard. AND I just got what you were doing. Boiled down to 10 words of less, there's no time to concentrate on the surface stuff.
Clever. As for future mate - I'll have to work on that one. ;-)

Rose M. Smith said...

I loved this post! I feel like this a lot. "Psst... your cute.... can I talk to you?" That just shows it doesn't take a lot to get your juices flowing. I could be dumb as a brick, with 8 kids, and worship Satan. However, you'll never know about my growing walk with Christ, my educational aspirations (2 degrees down 1 or 2 more to go!), and how I love educating other people's children, I just don't have my own yet. Too bad, you just saw "cute".

Sarah said...

Yep. People say some stupid stuff. Did you enjoy the concert otherwise? I'd ask who the mystery man is you went with, but I'm respecting your privacy :-)

I've spent way too much of my life fussing about weight. I'm curvy in my hips and thighs. I've been trying to let my body decide what weight it wants to be. I figured out how to eat so that it appears happy, but can I accept it, if it decides to settle at a weight higher than my idea of what it should be? I like to think of myself as being an independent thinker, but the older I get the more I see how many of my ideas have been shaped by society or peer pressure with no real basis in anything useful.

rozb said...

Because of my height (5'9"), and my "thickness" (a little more thicker these days - my winter coat) I always got called Amazon, or had comments that were supposed to be compliments like "Damn - you got some thick-A legs! Can I talk to you for a minute?" Or when I was in Italy, two Italian men came up to me smiling and speaking in Italian, as if complimenting me. My friend, who spoke Italian, came over, she listened just like me, and then told them to go to hell. What did they say? "You have big, beautiful breasts. Are you wearing a bra and can we see them?" All I was doing was nodding and grinning, thinking they were being nice, instead they were being giant asses.

I have also had the "nerd" tag on me as well, from childhood until now. My penchant for using big words (see how I threw penchant in there?) and my habit of staying buried in books kept me in that group, and no one knew other things about me. For instance, I was always thought of as shy when I was a kid. But if they got to know me, they would have realized that I just didn't speak until I had something to say, and if I didn't like you, I said nothing at all. Not many folks knew I could draw and paint until I was older because they had already pegged me in one group, and did not look beyond thick glasses and a skinny frame.

Now that I am older and hopefully a lot wiser, I look beyond the cover to find the true gem in folks. As for the ten words to describe myself - Smart, natural, funny professional who has been there, done that." As for my mate - "Strong, kind, godly hard worker who loves all of me."

Just using ten words is hard!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

LOL, men surely cannot handle the stuff they put out. I've told men that they weren't as "cute/smart/tall/light/witty..." as I would like, and you would have thought that I'd poured baby powder on my hand and pimpslapped his mama, big mama, and favorite auntie.

Anywho, here's my description: smart, cute midwesterner who loves life, laughter, and & arts

My ideal man: kind, caring gentleman who 'sees' me and makes me laugh

EvolvingElle said...

Hola, OneChele! Great post today! First, I just had the "qualities" discussion (i.e. height) with a friend last night. We actually attended Paul Carrick Brunson's Quarterly Social in Baltimore and discussed how men who are shorter than we like tend to approach us, her moreso than me. But that's a conversation for another day. Hmmm...describe myself in 10 words, I'd have to say "Traditional Christian, witty, gorgeous Southern Belle working on my happy." What I'm looking for? "Chivalrous, Christian, traditional man who's consistent and makes me happy." And as a girl who's never been smaller than a size 12 in my adult life, I feel you on the "You're so -insert visually appeasing adjective here- to be a big girl." My mother always told me I was beautiful and enough just the way I was growing up, so no major self-esteem issues here. But homeboy's friend was SO out of order! I think men just don't know what to say to women, whether they're interested in them or not. They must think that as bigger girls we don't get any play so we'll be happy to jump at the chance to be with them. It's up to us to let them know that, "Please...we off that." Yes, I quoted a song, but I think it about sums up how we feel about men who don't know how to talk to women.

Miss-Devin Kemp said...

I loved this post. Guys annoy me so much with this line of bullcrappity. I'm tall (5'9) long hair with an hourglass figure that has a few extra hours in the glass, so random ninjas seem to feel that they have to let me know that. Why is that necessary?! You could find any other conversation started but yet you pick something borderline disrespectful? Ugh. Le freakin boo. Ten words or less-Christian, funny, faithful, honest, sexy, decisive, independent, grown, cultured, adventurous.

blackprofessor said...

I am so feeling this post because I could write a disseration on this topic!!

Most folks, especially men, have never gotten the duality that is me! I am a Gemini for crying out loud, we have two sides!! I am an intellectual at my core but love to have a good time. I.just.can't. with folks who don't understand that people are complex beings. I am not going even going to mention my looks. If one more man says to me "Oh, you are pretty AND smart??", I am going to stab him. They said it like it is abnormal, it grates my nerves!

Here goes:
Me - Adventurer posing as funny intellectual who loves the finer things.
Him - Selfless man with humility, integrity and intellect; my life partner.

aishao1122 said...

Ha, if i had a dime for every time someone mentioned that i was pretty for a dark skinned girl, or my absolute favorite, "your not the usual (insert sorority here) type but your still pretty." (really thanks OMG I'm glad you approve that I'm pretty enough to wear the pearls O_o). I'd be in Dubai in the top suite for a week (it works out to a 1million for the whole package)

I so get what you mean when you mention the back handed 'compliments' that qould lead a less put together woman to have a complex.
My two younger sisters and i went club hopping and this brother came over with his buddy I don't know if he knew we could hear him, but this is what they said " dang I have the choice of gorgeous face, okay boobs; okay face with gorgeous boobs; or gorgeous body, no boobs" buddy" if only they came in one package" then proceeded to try and talk us up, O_o errr HELL No.

I've always been friends with a lot more guys than women, so i'm supposed to not be surprised when men do these things, but the men i know would never have this kind of conversation near to the women, that just invites FUBAR (F*ed Uo beyond all recognition for those who don't know) to take place.

Oh and since sixth grade the nickname has been 'and boobs' yeah whenever the guys would talk about who is going where it would be " the six of us and boobs" <---- yeah still haven't shaken that one to this day. i guess it could be worse. ( as in "tits mcgee", yeah thanks ron burgundy, i had to threaten bodily harm to get that one to drop)

blackprofessor said...

Roz,
I have a funny Italian story as well! I was visiting with a friend and everywhere we went, the men kept using this one word. We thought they were calling us the n-word but later realized they were calling us beautiful. We were getting pissed and didn't realize they were giving us a compliment! Hilarious!

Jeannette Abrahamson said...

Man, where do I begin. Somewhere along the line women have been conditioned and brainwashed into lowering our standards.. we all have them. We know that men are physical creatures but they are almost never told to lower their standards, no matter how raggedy they are internally and externally.

Now for us women we are consistently being told to lower ours? What gives? And I don't buy into all the negative statistics about the % of Black women that aren't married for whatever reason. So what if many of our women want a man that is 6-12 inches taller than us? Or a man that brings a decent paycheck home...mind you I didn't say a breadwinner... just a decent check.

We want security! why do we have to lower our standards in this area because some of our men
do not measure up in 1 or 2 of these areas? It has to stop. Me personally i'm tired of lowering my standards.

Ms. Jay said...

I hate when I hear bull like this. I too am a member of the thick and tall community. I have never been a 2 and I will never be a 2- and I dont want to be either. The comment I usually get is I dress nice for a big girl- so because Im not sample size , Im supposed to be frumpy all of the time? I also had a homeless guy tell me that he liked my size- sir this is not something you yell out on the street in an attempt to get money.

I went to Jamaica this year, and while I was expecting to be approached- I have never been approached like this. All I heard during the 7 days I was there was that they liked my shape. One day I was laying on the beach , in my cute swimsuit and the juice man or patty man came along to sell his stuff. So I stood up to get my money , and he was just like oh your thighs are so pretty. I may or may not have had an attitude the entire week. I was just over being treated like a piece of meat - or like the next sexual conquest.
Me : Jesus Follower, hardworking, intelligent, random , funny, world changer in the making seeks .... idk Ill be back

MidWestDominicana said...

*passed out* at ----->"and you would have thought that I'd poured baby powder on my hand and pimpslapped his mama, big mama, and favorite auntie."

taut_7 said...

great post. those men were rude as h*ll. some people really have to couth. smh

i also get judged a lot on outer appearances. first, i stand out because of my height. recently while in atlanta, i guess the club owner assumed i played basketball so he kept trying to comp me a vip section and all these women kept giving me the eye. you know the eye i'm talking about. i could have taken advantage but i hate when people assume things about me. sure i'm tall and sure i'm a handsome fellow (yes i'm confident) but there is much more than meets the eye. people are often taken aback when they find out 1) what i'm in school for now and 2) what i ultimately want to do with my life. you wouldn't think i was as intelligent as i was unless you actually sat and had a conversation with me.

describe myself in 10 words is kind of tough. but i'll go with the 10 words that truly describe me: "Ambitious intellect that loves God, my family and friends."

i would like my [potential] mate to be described as: "Ambitious caring, God-fearing woman. Funny yet classy. Humble but confident."

C. Chick said...

Chele, who told you to sing my song today? :)
I'm 5'11, fully loaded and got a Hemi for an engine (meaning I'm working with something mentally.) Let's visit some of the most memorable off-kilter comments:

"Cute to be darkskinneded"
"Man I swear, If you weren't so damn tall"
"Unh, Unh, Unh Big Sexy"
"Do you ball/hoop? Why not, Girl you're *wasting* your height?"
"I like chopping trees"
"If you were built the same but skinnier (I have to admit this one hurt a little)"
"She's acting like she's "lightskinned" (this was probably the most infuriating, being that my bestie is very light and HOOOOOOOOD! )"- what kind of slave mentality!?!
"Everything's perfect, but you're just not the size I like."

Now I have been involved with men that were the polar opposite of these jokers and truthfully that was kinda weird as well. I went out with this dude who was just all about my legs. "Want me to rub your legs down?" Joker, you just put 1/2 a jar of cocoa butter on them 2 hours ago, sheesh! :) A particular brotha insisted on filling me up with fried chicken, pork chops, potatos and everything else, I had to ask him "Are you planning on cooking me or making something out of my skin?" Turns out he was just cool like that, and thought that was what I wanted... aww, how sweet.

As for the task, Me: "Complex contradictions meets simple straightforwardness; works out and loves art."
He: "NYC instinct and old-school charm. Loyal and cooperative; good dancer."

YardieChicie said...

I wish I could have warned you before you came here. Some of the men here can be crude as hell. T_T

And my mother wonders why I used to dress like a ragamuffin boy throughout my tween and teen years (yes, the comments start from that early).

YardieChicie said...

You're right. Where are the advice articles and self-help books telling men to give Precious a chance? They're expected to get a 10 no matter what, bu we're supposed to 'swallow our ego' and look at the Under 5s.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Folks have no tact or couth, on both genders. People just need to learn when or HOW to STFU.

Chele, you know I feel you as a member of the busty/plus size crew. Newsflash to the world: We get play too and sometimes we even *gasp* get married!

I have a sinus headache so I'ma go on out the comment section. Bye now.

tiffanyinhouston said...

"Everything's perfect, but you're just not the size I like."
What the hell kinda of bullshit is that??? If I'm not the size you like, then WHY the fresh hell would you approach me in the first place?? I swear I will never understand that. I have have men specifically make their way over to me to tell me I was not normally not their type but I was so pretty for a big girl. I'm supposed to give you my number after that backhanded ass compliment?? Yeah.....no.

C. Chick said...

"I guess the club owner assumed i played basketball so he kept trying to comp me a vip section and all these women kept giving me the eye. you know the eye i'm talking about."

Yes Buddy, I do.. how bout the stares when you're at the airport from people trying to figure out if you're "someone"? Hehehe, sometimes I get extra fly when travelling just to start sumthin'. ;o)

YardieChicie said...

"My two younger sisters and i went club hopping and this brother came over with his buddy I don't know if he knew we could hear him, but this is what they said " dang I have the choice of gorgeous face, okay boobs; okay face with gorgeous boobs; or gorgeous body, no boobs" buddy" if only they came in one package" then proceeded to try and talk us up, O_o errr HELL No."

I swear - they lack that mental filter that lefts the rest of us know when something is not fit for airplay. As for that 'pretty for a dark girl' line...*le sigh* someone needs to turn the tables on them. Hard.

happinessisme said...

Oh, I have the kicker. Check this out. Went out with a woman a few years ago who told me. "You would be perfect for me, but call me crazy looks do matter. Your cute and all but it's not like wham, bam, thank you ma'am."

C. Chick said...

Right... the killer part was we had been out a few times, and he was pushing for the cocoa. If you don't like my size, why do you want to see it in ALL (eye roll) of it's magnificence!?!

DSTSusa said...

Speechless

C. Chick said...

What!?! She didn't SAY that... What!?! I bet a buck fitty she wasn't on Halle Berry status herself...

happinessisme said...

Let me tell you, it was our second date at her request. Nice restaurant and all. I was feeling good, especially sense you know, she asked me out for a second time. Halle berry status, try Mia X(before the weight loss) or Queen Latifah status. She was 22 or 23 working as a line cook somewhere with no college degrees in sight. Oh yeah, I remember why, she was a high school drop out. Went to the army but could barely get through basic training. She's not in the army anymore, for reasons unknown to me. She doesn't even meet the min to date me anymore. Hindsight is 20/20.
People really do have their priorities all wrong.

YardieChicie said...

Attagirl! Give them a taste of their own medicine!

YardieChicie said...

The eye? Oh, you mean the 'Cha-CHING!' look.

suebhoney said...

Great posts today. I also get judged on my outer appearance. As I am told I happen to have an
uncanny resemblance to Ms. Anita Baker (so much so, people have asked for autographs and told me how much they loved my music- I can't carry a tune in a bucket. LOL) I don't see it,sans the curves, never had them, couldn't make them no matter how tight I wore my clothes-so I stopped trying. :0) so I always got the " I usually like my women a little thicker, but you look good" And I never knew what to say to that until I got older until one guy made the comparison that he liked his woman with a little more meat, I politely told him I usually prefer my men to have a couple of more hundreds on that BMW (he drove a 3 series), but you'll do for now. LOL
Me in 10 words smart, witty baseball mom who loves fun with family and friends

YardieChicie said...

"Cute to be darkskinneded" - Those men are just BEGGING for a verbal bytchslap.

"Man I swear, If you weren't so damn tall" - Too bad you're not taller or smarter, boo.

"Unh, Unh, Unh Big Sexy" - Ugh, ugh, UGH Freak Nasty!

"Do you ball/hoop? Why not, Girl you're *wasting* your height?" - Lord, I am sick of this one too. Been hearing it all my damn life.

"I like chopping trees" - Plenty of forests in the Pacific Northwest, son! Go forth!

"If you were built the same but skinnier (I have to admit this one hurt a little)" - 'If you were builkt teh same, but more charming', two can play THAT game.

"She's acting like she's "lightskinned" (this was probably the most infuriating, being that my bestie is very light and HOOOOOOOOD! )"- what kind of slave mentality!?!- No, it just means that dark skinned girls aren't supposed to have standards and know their worth. They know that they don't have a chance in hell with you, and it burns. ;)

"Everything's perfect, but you're just not the size I like." - Everything's ok, but I don't feel like settling.

There. Retorts complete.

YardieChicie said...

Those men had no home training whatsoever. None.

As for my 10 things: Jamaican visual artist and chocoholic who loves books and animals.

My mate: I'll get back to you on that one. Still getting in tune with myself and what I want out of life.

Rochee said...

I don't know what's worse, the insult or the women who have to be a little lacking in the self-esteem department to continue to deal with/date these fools. When anyone says "You are pretty/attractive for a (fill in the blank)"...or "I don't usually date (dark skinned, thick, etc.)", they are a douche bag! It doesn't take rocket science. What they are saying is that on a subliminal (or even not so subliminal level) you should feel lucky to be dealing with them and/or that they are better than you. They are also someone who is a little vain and frankly it's your compensatory looks (in their stupid minds)or physical attributes that have them excited and or interested. "She's dark but she's got a great face or long hair or great body" etc. That's ridiculous. So does that person actually find you attractive or is your attractiveness based on the fact that you are a novelty to them?

And what's the point of sharing that information with you? Why not just say "you are beautiful". If a man says anything else then he's not that socially or emotionally intelligent. And I gaurantee that ninja will bring up your looks when he's mad at you etc... I'm especially sensitive to comments about skin tone. If you say derogatory comments about skin tone then you are probably not as socially and culturally aware as you should be and we won't get along solely based on your cultural ignorance.

ConvertingMe said...

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and started a souvenir stand. I nodded my head throughout this whole post.

I'm 5'9, around 300 pounds, look like Jilly from Philly (Jill Scott) and tote a bra size of 44GG (yeah double G). I also happen to take public transportation in the DMV to commute. I love public transportation - the problem is the public.

I get double and triple takes for my face and breasts and everything else - my shoulder spanning afro or my weave of the day. Men either run up on me like I have a magnet in my a$$ or treat me as invisible. That "You are pretty/attractive for a (fill in the blank)" line has followed since puberty struck when I was 5'9 and 140 with a 38CCC bra size to now.

I have chalked it up to this:

People have the picture of their mate in their mind instead of the Idea of the qualities of their mate. If you aren't the real life version of that picture then here come the comparisons to that picture.

Just like sisters embark on Negro Reclamation Projects; these people with their picture of their mate in their minds are trying to alter you in their head to fit the image they have conjured.

C. Chick said...

"If you say derogatory comments about skin tone then you are probably not as socially and culturally aware as you should be and we won't get along solely based on your cultural ignorance."

Say it 2X hit me! Unh, unh!

SingLikeSassy said...

I'm quirky, love deeply and am fiercely loyal. And funny.

I'll get back to you on the mate as I'm having to reassess that for the '11.

William Martin said...

I once had a woman tell me I wasn't black enough. I didn't know whether she meant my skin tone or behavior but decided I didn't really want to know.

Apologies for the brethren, we're visual creatures. Breasts make us stupid but there is no need to share that with you!

As for me, hmm - Self-proclaimed nerd and reformed hound prepping for life after residency.
Looking for - Smart, sexy, self-aware woman who looks beneath the shiny surface.

Grace said...

Get it, Chele! If it's not one thing, it's another. I get the "are you mixed" question all the time. I'm not but who cares if I was? I'm Skinny Minnie, I'd have to buy a curve to get one and I catch all sort of criticism - one dude asked me if I'd considered boob and butt implants....

Determined girl with eye on the prize, living in hope.
As for what I want? Let me work on that and get back to you...

MidWestDominicana said...

Great post!! I could totally go in on this one, but I digress and will just stick to the assignment. ;)

Me: Nerdy snot who loves hard and values laughter
Him: Hilarious and incredibly intelligent gentleman who adores me

thinklikeRiley said...

Riley like da ladies, all shape and size. Thank you <---That's my 10 words and my thoughts on this post.

MidWestDominicana said...

Girl, you betta say that!

derek love said...

Don't get me started. I was apparently just too damn dark for some sistas growing up. Called all manner of shiggity. To the point where members of my own family told me not to date a dark girl because the baby would be unattractive. We (Black African Americans) have so much work to do on our pathologies.

Anyway- Deep thinking brother with big smiles and big dreams.
Her - Knows her own mind, stands by her man.

Mykeia said...

Ummm, this is hard for me this Monday, but I will give it a go...

Me: Witty, realistic, intelligent, wordsmith, curvy, honest, drama-free/drama avoider, assertive, loyal, and kind.
The spouse is: Ambitious, kind, respectful, witty, strong (mentally and physically), dependable, friendly, charming, charismatic, very intelligent.

The spouse also likes to be drama free/a drama avoider so this match works for us and he likes to live on planet reality with me.

Waiting to read others comments...

Mykeia said...

Love me some Robz!

Mykeia said...

Typo Rozb

Mr. Skyywalker said...

The future Mrs Skyy is a size 18 knockout. Will it sound shallow for me to say it's all just wrapping on the gift anyway?

Me -Slightly offcenter former thug trying to live better.
Her - Fine flirty finance whiz too loving for her own good

U Don't Know Me said...

The difference for me is, are you shapely or just fat? Sorry, I'm not attracted to bulky heavy women who don't take care of themselves. I will say this to you if you proceed to try and flirt with me. That's not attractive to me at all. I have seen Michele's pictures on facebook, she's curvy not nasty with it.

Mykeia said...

Dead at--> no college degrees in sight...
Just dead.

Mykeia said...

The best reply ever: I usually prefer my men to have a couple of more hundreds on that BMW (he drove a 3 series), but you'll do for now.

Just dead here at work. Dead I tell ya...

Mykeia said...

Ewww...speak on it!-->members of my own family told me not to date a dark girl because the baby would be unattractive. We (Black African Americans) have so much work to do on our pathologies.
UGH.

SingLikeSassy said...

Still nursing my Interwebz crush on Riley, which brings me to two words to describe my future mate (remember the current one has been fired): Straight talker.

Jeannette Abrahamson said...

What's your motivation in saying that to someone? To hurt their feelings? If that does, that says more about you than the person you are trying to hurt. We all get unwanted advances, but it's how you handle it.

Jeannette Abrahamson said...

Girl because there are none. Society would not dare tell a man to budge from what he has the right to have. Oh but for women, we are to bend, mold, twist and flip it over twice and "make do". Enough.

rochee said...

I don't know you, but I wonder what your relationship history looks like. Internalizing those thoughts is perfectly natural, articulating those thoughts to a woman makes you sound like a douche bag.

rochee said...

I don't know you, but I wonder what your relationship history looks like. Internalizing those thoughts is perfectly natural, articulating those thoughts to a woman makes you sound like a douche bag.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I had a guy send his friend over first, and then come over, to ell me that I wasn't as tall as he liked. If I hadn't been three sheets to the wind (and a rather sheltered 19 yo who snuck into a club during spring break) I would have let him know whatfor. Now I am more prepared for fools like this.

Aside for all of the regular foolishness related to appearance that I get, I once had a date go on and on about how puerto rican women were/are the best at EVERYTHING. He seemed confused when I said "then why don't you go get you one" and left his behind at the restaurant.

aishao1122 said...

or the good sense to have this 'play' discussion in the bathroom. err duh, what would have happened had the music level dropped? then the whole bar would have heard you, we let the gorgeous body no boobs (law student, smart, funny, but they will never know that now) rip him a new one.

aishao1122 said...

interwebez crushing hard lol

YardieChicie said...

Ha! Awesome! Bet his superficial ass wasn't expecting that!

SingLikeSassy said...

I will say this to you if you proceed to try and flirt with me. <--What is the point to saying something rude and hurtful like this to someone?

tiffanyinhouston said...

I have no issue with you not being attracted to a plus size woman, or a woman with natural hair or a woman who is over 6ft tall. The point being, which you seem to have missed, is you don't have to be an asshole about your lack of attraction. Geez.

blackprofessor said...

Derek, we sure do have some serious pathologies!! I am about as light-skinned as one can get and folks thought I was CRAZY for liking dark-skinned men! I had people tell me my children would be ugly by dating dark-skinned men, SMH!

blackprofessor said...

I got an e-crush on Riley too! He gives it straight up and I love his frankness! His 10 words also describe my future/ideal mate - open!

aishao1122 said...

Girl i was just going to say that. I think i was twelve the first time a grownazz man "complimented" me, i was so uncomfortable i ran home. I was wearing a skirt and he made the comment along the lines of" my legs look great, bet the would look better.....(fill in the blank, no need to get tossed from bougieland)"
then there are the ones who tell you like this is a compliment " you look good enough to breed" O_o yeah thanks but no thanks your not smart enough to get this much less get me pregnant I assure you.

aishao1122 said...

i was thinking that the other day, there are so self-help books for men, along the lines of "why women marry idiots' but plenty of 'why men marry bitches" never read it never will. or how to attract a man books, seriously is this what it's come down to??

my dad made a comment the other day that i might want to move because the standards i have aren't going to be met by the men in town (tell me something I don't know) . It's sad when even the older bougie can tell that the young ones don't come near enough to meet basic standards, but then again it's my dad and NO one has met his standards yet.

rozb said...

Why. Are. You. Here.

Jasmin said...

This is hard! Hmm, I'd describe myself as "A born leader and big dreamerwith a great smile."

I'd describe my mate as "A guy who loves me at my best and worst." <--For some reason this one's harder.

P.S. Can I get an upgrade to the bougie big-kid table now that I'm a college graduate? :-)

Hidi said...

"I'm not attracted to bulky heavy women who don't take care of themselves."--Fine. Your not attracted to fat women and who says they're unhealthy??? Anyway, I don't think they are attracted to you at all.

"The difference for me is, are you shapely or just fat?"--Everyone is shapely

BlackButterfly said...

**laughs** There is nothing more unappealing to me than a male approaching me in a way that implies that I would be okay with him inappropriately critiqueing me in any way.

Me- Intelligent socially aware compassionate lady with a sense of humor
Him- Kind Intelligent loving gentleman protector with a sense of humor

Penny said...

Not sure where these men learned their "game." Since most of us tend to do what works, it is really scary to think that those lines must have worked in the past. Like you, I am a member of the LSLHBB club (only I am not tall. I mention that as an aside. I have no tolerance for the crazy beliefs that some people have mentioned here about one complexion being better or more attractive than another. Nonsense!!) Like you, I can accept no credit for these attributes (or curses, depending on how you may want to view it-no fun paying extra for bras at Nordstrom's) but I can accept credit for education I achieved, and the efforts I make to try and make a contribution to the world through the professional and personal work that I do. (Yes, I have gotten the crude remarks about breast size, and let me say it just creeps me out. Guaranteed immediate shut down. )

I do understand that we all are entitled to want what we want, and physical attractiveness is a very subjective quality. That being said, while most, if not all of us want to be thought of as pretty (us girls, that is) but as India.Arie says "I Am Not My Hair." My complexion, hair length and/or hip size (larger than I would like) are not indicative of the type of person that I am. But if you come at me with tacky remarks like Chele mentioned in the post, you will never get the chance to know.


Compassionate, thoughtful Northern girl with Southern raising.
Honest, hard working, generous man who cares just for me. (Channeling Nina Simone.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38xa_Jao4Jc&feature=related

Mykeia said...

Congrats on your graduation!

David Chase said...

Let's face it - women are expected to be perfect. Men are expected to be paid. I've learned the hard way that neither of those ideals make a relationship work. I would not marry the bangingest-bodied chick (bougieland is rubbing off on me, I'm making up words) if she was head over heels for me and a pleasant person to be around with her head on straight. No amount of model-quality can make up for that.
So for now, mine would be "Just me, doing what I do, hope you like it"

David Chase said...

Talk about missing the point! Bruh please, we have standards round BnB. Women don't bash men, men don't bash women. Step yo' game up or step outside.

Penny said...

No excuse for being hurtful, mean and/or rude.

aishao1122 said...

Congrats!!

Pure Choco said...

I can't be the only person dying for you to call some of these ninjas out! By name. ;-) I'll be back with more later.

Annette Evans said...

Some men like fat women. But if you are rude enough to hurt someone's feeling by saying they are too fat to be your type, you are probably as crass in real life as your tag name is here.

Stank_0 said...

I wonder if the explosion of social media and being able to constantly put your thoughts out there have effected how we interact with each other. Chicken and the egg argument there.

Me: nerd tendencies, average looks, slim, above average intellect and wit
Her: opinionated, good looking, intellectual, calm disposition

Mykeian said...

Thank you David, one of the male voices on BnB.

SingLikeSassy said...

No, I think the kinds of dudes who say the type of stuff 'Chele has listed have been out of pocket long before there was an Internet to surf.

SingLikeSassy said...

Are you that fella that posted a month or so ago about women who were short, fat and ugly needing to stay in their lane and not try and holla at you because you were 6 ft+ and 200+ pounds? It's you isn't it?

Hidi said...

Good Post. Yes are more than our parts but some just don't understand. As for you being plus size, so what. That's the problem with society so wrap- up in people's appearance they miss a great opportunity to meet an awesome person.

It's hard to some up in ten words or less...goofy, beautiful,imaginative, family oriented, lovable, complex yet simple, god fearing

Future spouse: hmmmm.........LOL

DesertBlack said...

I agree ..."women are expected to be perfect, men are expected to be paid" Like it or not that statement is more on point than off.

Bethany Showell said...

Great post.

Me: Contradictory unapologetic nerd with a sardonic wit
And him? That's harder. So far I've got: doesn't get on my damn nerves

OneChele said...

I don't look good in prison orange or I would consider adding more slappage to my repertoire ;-)

OneChele said...

And too bad that's all they ever get to see!

OneChele said...

The concert was awesome!

OneChele said...

I knew the 10 words would be challenging ;-)

OneChele said...

The quote works!

OneChele said...

LOL @ pimp-slapping the whole maternal side of the fam.

OneChele said...

Yes, I almost titled this post "You Realize that's Not a Compliment, right?"

C. Chick said...

I'm not sure it's money the homeless guy wanted (eyebrows raising up and down) lol

OneChele said...

That's it right there - why don't people just take two minutes to have an interesting conversation rather than assume they know everything about them from look alone? Arrgh.

OneChele said...

Lawd~

OneChele said...

*snickers*

OneChele said...

Take your time. More folks should...

Jasmin said...

Thanks! I'm so glad to be finished (and *ahem* summa cum laude :-P)!

Jasmin said...

Thanks Aisha!

Foxy Brown said...

so, i'm one of those skinty sistas you mentioned. i took somebody to a family function. i was with my folks, so i was throwing down. homegirl turned to me and said 'wow, you can eat.' ummm, wth? what am i supposed to say to that? i mean i stopped three plates in and my family was talking about how living in the city had made me soft.

me: a walking contradiction, passionate, compassionate, who don't give a damn
her: sweet, loving, rebel, silly, believing, who loves my country self

OneChele said...

Hmfph. Allow me to refer to my post from early in the year - Apparently, I'm not black enough for black people: http://www.blacknbougie.com/2010/02/and-apparently-im-not-black-enough-for.html

OneChele said...

No he did NOT ask you if you wanted implants?!

OneChele said...

I wish the colorism would stop. Seriously.
And here I'll refer to my post of Didn't We Set the Paper Bag Alflame Already: http://www.blacknbougie.com/2010/02/shades-pretty-girls-didnt-we-set-paper.html

OneChele said...

Not shallow at all. Wedding got to coming up soon now, right?

OneChele said...

I blocked you when you posted at UDK, at least change up and be creative with your names and pick an IP address that isn't one digit off from the one I blocked. Happy Holidays.

OneChele said...

Welcome to the grown-n-sexy table.

OneChele said...

Gotta have that sense of humor!

OneChele said...

Nina always hits the spot.

OneChele said...

Kudos for "bangingest", I like it. And I'm going to steal "women are expected to be perfect, men are expected to be paid"

OneChele said...

I think people get brave behind their keyboards, find validation in their ignorance and then decide to try it in real life. Not a good look.

OneChele said...

Ha - I love the hmmmmm - leave a lot of room for interpretation

GrownAzzMan said...

10 words or less huh? Here goes:
I'm romantic, sincere, funny, spiritual, passionate, supportive and adventurous.
My mate:
Attractive, intelligent, independent, interesting.

Ms. Jay said...

I told my cousin that I wanted my future husband to be dark skinned so that we could have lovely mocha babies, and she was like umm eww no you need a Mexican so you can have light skinned kids. My face literally dropped .

uglyblackjohn said...

Have the list add up to 100 with each word being a different font size (representing the order of importance) for a more telling list.

Pure Choco said...

Great post.
Me: Lover of all things chocolate, seeker of truth, work in progress.

rozb said...

Wow. Did she think we mixed like putting cream in coffee?

rozb said...

Thank you, David.

rozb said...

Is this Malik?

rozb said...

Congratulations and blessings!

MariSol said...

Wow, I get some ish for rocking the natural hair and being a bit bohemian. My response is, if you don't like it - move on.

Steve said...

#TeamThickSnack All. Day.

Steve said...

Is this dude you banned? I can see why.

L. Michelle said...

Great post and I can't wait for the event ! I would definitely like to attend!!!!

Miss-Devin Kemp said...

I remember him! He was so out of pocket....

Miss-Devin Kemp said...

Aww :-)

Scrichards727 said...

Great post.

Yes superficial is what initially attracts us to each other but we have to be more than "what meets the eye" in order to keep people interested. Those people you interacted with seem like they don't have much common sense especially to approach a woman with those comments.

Brneyed1 said...

As a lifetime member of the IBTC, I rebuke all suggestions for boob implants!!! *grrrr*

Brneyed1 said...

I'll answer for him: to start up some mess. *triflin' ?$#(%!*

Sorry, temporary loss of bougie-cool. I gots no patience for people like that.

Brneyed1 said...

Can you fit "tech savvy" into your 10 words? Get 'em Chele!!!

aishao1122 said...

mean side eye ====>'wow, you can eat.'
and dead at stopped at three plates. sounds like some of my family reunions.===>talking about how living in the city had made me soft.

Brneyed1 said...

iHate coming to a post late. And this is one of those I'll go and type up my own rant somewhere else so I don't fill up all of Disqus.

For most of my life I was bone-thin and no boobs in sight. I didn't wear a bra until sophomore year in H.S. (and that was at my mother's urging. I didn't see the point). I never experienced back-handed compliments, just lots of nasty comments:

"Not tryin' ta be Popeye, Olive Oyl (yes, I had long, flat feet)"
"If I wanna feel flatness, I'll rub my own chest."
"You so skinny, you could hula-hoop with a fruit-loop"
"Even a dog don't want a bone without a little bit of meat on it" (#1 stinger of all time)

So I was the skinny, quiet child/teen/young adult. No one ever looked past that to see the funny, curious, fiesty person behind the skinniness.

So now that I'm older and have gotten over most of my issues with the skinny comments, in 10 words or less I am: fun-loving, loud-laughing, fiercely loyal, sistahgirl curious about life.

Him: honest, passionate, recognizes he has two ears and one mouth.

md_KG said...

oooh Huge congrats!

J. Jackson said...

Wow... I too have heard, "Aww, you're so pretty to be a big girl." When I was younger (and had VERY low self-esteem) I thought that was a compliment. It wasn't until I was about 16 that I realized that it was offensive. Now I just have a snappy comeback and keep it moving.

Me: A walking contradiction, moody, shy, adventurous, loyal
Him: Honest, has a sense of humor, compassionate, patient

md_KG said...

Late to the party but fabulous post. I think too many people just lack discretion and combined with a superiority complex, it's just not a good look when the words come tumbling out.

Me: God-fearing pragmatic intelligent nerd, loyal and possesses sardonic wit.
Future him: God-fearing intelligent, funny, supportive, faithful & attractive *ahem* specimen (LOL) who gets me.

Chele that assignment was hard!!...Lol.

keishabrown said...

you read my mind with this post.
i get that i alone am responsible for my single-status.
but as i wrote to MULTIPLE dudes last week: i want someone who wants the WHOLE of me, not just the HOLES of me.
seems to be a problem..
and so in the meantime, i pet my new kitty.
and by kitty i mean pet with 4 legs. ;)

keishabrown said...

i love that you said raggamuffin
JA to di worrrrld!!!!

keishabrown said...

i love the word couth
*swoons.

keishabrown said...

couth again. people lack it much. sadly.

keishabrown said...

BAM! BOOM! POW! ZING!

Nadette said...

Wow Chele, just WOW! I honestly and truelly believe you should snap back, because that's ridiculous. That's like me being told, I'm pretty for a dark skinned girl--it hasn't happend to me personally (b/c I tend to walk around with a "i wish you would" sort of facial expression) but I know of other dark n lovely women who have been told such things. I honestly think most folks just don't know any damn better these days. And if I could describe myself in ten words...hmm...
Travel size, (I don't like the term petite and my limbs are too long for petites anyway), fierce, independent, demanding, jersey girl with short attention span. I'm at a loss for words for a potential mate, though "not full of it" is always a good place to start

rozb said...

To all my Bougie friends her in Bougieland, a little something off-topic here. I may not be able to get on here as much (going to my mom's house - no internet 8<) so the following link is my way of wishing you all Happy Holidays and have a great and awesome New Year! Santa does it with so much class!

http://www.animatronics.org/santa.htm

Jasmin said...

Thanks RozB :-)

Jasmin said...

Thanks md_KG :-)

Mr. Sable said...

Hell, yeah!

Mr. Sable said...

Change the noun genders and those would be my ten words too! Eerily enough... also a Gemini.

Carly Rose Jackson said...

How do you refrain from laughing out loud at those underhanded, non-compliments? Bless their hearts.

J B said...

This happened yesterday, after I read your blog:

"You're cute, nice body, but you're too articulate. You start your sentences with capital letters, and you end them with periods. That's too formal."

What the hell?

Monica said...

"What the hell", is right. What is wrong with people?

CaliGirlED said...

Ha! That was too cute! I was waiting for the reindeer on the left to do his thang.

Jessica said...

I wasn't going to post...but this hit too close to home.

I developed significantly the summer between 5th and 6th grade and the first day back in school, a boy in my class said, "Dang Jessica, your boobs are huge.." --cue my mouth hitting the floor...

It's been all downhill from there.

Then I was a cheerleader my 8th grade year and all the boys could see was boobs

Another time, I traveled to a different school in my state for a probate and a Que called out to me and said.."Hey you big breasted beauty..." To this day my LS will bring that up and call me "BBB"...

Too many stories to tell...

Veronica Miller said...

Good. Damn. Bye.

Veronica Miller said...

"Travel-size." Lol. That's cute. My friend has a student that calls herself "fun-sized."

Veronica Miller said...

"They must think that as bigger girls we don't get any play so we'll be happy to jump at the chance to be with them."

THIS. I'm late, but yes... I truly believe this about some guys.

Rich Girl said...

I have been called Elsie the cow and I have also had guys tell me that they wanted to be breastfeed.

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