Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Ever wish you could just take that last sentence back?

"If you would just stop being stupid and listen to what I have to say for once!" 

**crickets**

Those were the words left floating in the air the first big fight I ever had with an ex-SO. We were standing in the bathroom preparing to go out. I had a make-up brush in my hand. He had a toothbrush. His hand visibly flinched when the word 'stupid' came out of my mouth. And to this day I cannot forget the look on his face. Angry, hurt, disappointed. He put down the toothbrush. Slowly he said, "You know what? I don't need this." And walked out. The ramifications of my sharp tongue, waspish tone and thoughtless words took all manner of time and effort to repair. Was it worth it to score that point? Hell no.

Since then I've been ex-treme-ly care-ful with my words. Making sure that if I zing, I meant to. If I flirt, I meant that too. And knowing that when you hit below the belt, you have to be prepared for those ramifications.

Standing in the Whole Foods Monday, I realized that not enough folks have acquired this "mark your words and measure their meaning" skill. A young couple was standing near the wines (blocking my path to the Chilean Shiraz) and they were arguing in heated tones. She was a good looking brunette who was whisper thin. He was a tall blonde who hadn't seen direct sunlight in a while. I don't know what the argument was about but the line that made me wince came from her:

"I didn't have to worry about stuff like this with Todd." Pow!

He came back with, "Which one was Todd? How do you keep them all straight? Surprised you paused long enough get names." Bam!

"I remember your name, so what do you care?" Oooo.

"Just sayin' at some point don't we all blend together?" Smack!

"Isn't your job to make sure you stand out? Why don't you just come up with one thing to do unforgettably well?" Sucker punch. The minute it left her mouth and hit his ears you could tell it did damage on both sides. They both turned vampire white. I slunk away hoping none of their bad vibe-i-ness rubbed off on me.

BougieLand, ever said something you immediately wished you could take back? Ever asked a question and then realized you weren't ready to hear the answer? Ever walked away from a conversation and THEN figured out exactly what you should have said? Care to share any of those? Or what you learned from the experience? When foot in mouth goes wrong, it goes really, really wrong. Thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours.

115 comments:

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

Yup..this one is way too personal. Ima have to sit this one out.

Good Post, Bouge.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Yup. Too many times to count. Learned better now. Still takes work because words are my weapons.

Jason P said...

Well, if someone tells you "I'm not sure I ever loved you" - believe it.

JaymeC said...

If people would realize the power of words! They can wound as well as heal. They can reassure and deceive. They can both kill and revive a relationship. Some people have never been able to look past words and see actions. And once spoken, you can never get it back.

Tonda Williams said...

Chele... I got goosebumps reading this one. I'm gonna exhale, and come back at a time when "Hood Nerd" and I can read it together (yep, just gave my new boo this pet name). We're just rising from the ashes of an EPIC "Virgo" mutual tongue lashing that almost cost us EVERY.THING.

Javalicious said...

First of all, ouch. This might be a little too real without more caffeine.
Second of all, I still need to learn not to ask questions I'm not ready to hear the answers to.
And lastly, what's with the fighting and airing dirty laundry in public? Not classy.

baileyqc said...

Epic post. Too close to home right now. I will say that there is definite advantage to stopping and THINKING about what you really want to say before you say it. I can imagine with the way you write that you could absolutely shred a person if you so chose. If you don't mind my asking - how did you repair that rift?

Deb B said...

A few months back you wrote something about words being bullets that never ran out of a big gun. I took it to heart. I used to weaponize words regularly. My marriage imploded from last worditis.

TooRealToday said...

How about "I want a divorce"? I didn't, I just wanted her to see that I was at my limit. Bad strategy.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Thanks for steamrolling all over my toes this morning Chele. I am still praying that the Lord will gird my tongue because I have said things to hubs in anger that I certainly didn't mean. I am getting better but I am a work in progress.

All I have to say to the ladies is that if you truly want to feel like scum, hurl some angry words at your husband or S/O and watch the reaction that it gets. It's like being punched in the gut.

Our men are MUCH more sensitive than they will ever let and much much more than we know.

C Nelson said...

Oww.

FlirtyNerd said...

*le ouch* I've definitely said things I regretted and that really put a serious damper on a relationship. Now that I know that I have the ability to hurt someone pretty badly by the things I say, I have fine turned the art of holding my tongue and saying things in a better manner.

This post definitely hit home.

Bethany Showell said...

So been there. Was talking to an "it's complicated" several years ago and the words "Well yeah but HE'S cute!" came out. Oops.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Wow. I am so sorry.

We both have been joking around with that D word a bit too much lately. I'm calling a ceast and desist on that right this instant.

CaliGirlED said...

Preach!

CaliGirlED said...

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me....This has to be the worse saying ever taught to a child. Words hurt, words kill, words destroy!!! Knowing this and having lived under a condescending tongue, I tend to hold things in, which is also not good, for me or the other person. I give a mean silent treatment, stone faced, starring out the window or at the wall. The opposite extreme of saying the wrong thing. I'm praying for the ability to find the right words and speak them.

Great post Chele!

CorettaJG said...

Ow. Definitely too close to home on this one. Since words are my daily weapons at work, I would sometimes delve into the arsenal during my marriage with disastrous results.

During the final gasp, I said something so awful and with such earnestness in the heat of a take-no-prisoner fight, that my ex-husband (an A-10 pilot) took himself off the flying rotation for days. I didn't learn what he had done until many months later. I think that he thought I had put a curse on him (I'm from Louisiana but c'mon).

There are some things that once said, are so hard to come back from. We both hurt each other in those last days, but my words took it to the nuclear option. Even as I heard the words falling off my lips, I wished I could take them back. It is definitely true that hurting people hurt other people.

There was a pastor (maybe Dr. Myles Monroe or Dr. Joyce Meyer?) who did a whole series on the power of the tongue. I keep a few verses handy for me to remember: James 1:19 "Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue; and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." Proverbs21:23 "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity."

Lesson learned.

blackprofessor said...

Been there done that and have the coffee mug as proof! One of my favorite bible quotes is "Life and death is in the power of the tongue!"

I have always had a smart mouth and learned in my 20s that was no bueno! Now I am real chill and don't talk to folks when I am angry, upset or emotional because I know the lashing I can give. I have had to hang up or walk away from folks to ensure that I don't go there in the heat of the moment. It is a daily battle!

blackprofessor said...

Cosign on our men being sensitive as all get out!

CorettaJG said...

So true.

Reecie said...

ooh this is my kind of post. I used to be the queen of saying slick ish I meant, but didn't mean. When I'm angry I want to hit you where it hurts. and I Lord knows I know how to make it hurt. I have the ability to end/dead/ruin with words. its nothing to be proud of, really. I've restrained myself much over the years. I also try to really think about questions I ask to because you have to really REALLY be prepared for the answer no matter how much it may hurt.

I've never had a public spectacle like your Whole Foods story but I've definitely said some things I regret. not because I didn't mean them, but because I ONLY said them in such a way as to hurt.

Sarah said...

I'm generally the one on the receiving end sitting there wondering what on earth to do now. The one public fight the last boyfriend and I had was his doing. We were sitting in my favorite park and out of seemingly nowhere he started getting on my case about something - loudly. I was so upset at that moment that if I could have disappeared into a grain of dust I would have done it. I didn't contribute to the loudness, but there was no getting him to stop. It was the tipping point. No amounts of I'm Sorry, I Love You, You are the Best Thing that has Happened in My Life could undo the nuclear blast of that moment. So yep, I agree with the sentiment that the whole "sticks and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you" is complete rubbish. My sister had a pretty sharp tongue when she was younger, but somewhere in her mid to late 30s, she mellowed out. Knowing her as well as I do, I can tell when her face gets that slightly pinched look that she is holding something in.

ConvertingMe said...

I'm from Louisiana too and once had an ex SO tell me the reason he wouldn't argue with me was because he believed I worked some type of voodoo hoodoo on him.

Really?

CaliGirlED said...

Thank you for that, I could not remember what verse that was, Proverbs 18:21. And I love how transparent Joyce Meyer is about how she used to be, especially in her marriage. And she admits that she still has issues from time to time. Dave (her husband) has got to be a Saint!!!

SingLikeSassy said...

I dated this guy who complained about everything. One day I had enough of it and went Menace to Society on him when I said: You are sounding like a lil' biyatch right now. Get some ballz 'bout yaself.

He brought that up in every argument we had from that point forward because I wouldn't apologize for saying it. I told him I was sorry it hurt his feelings, but that I meant that when I said it. Deal with it.

One day I had enough of his whining about the comment -- I'm talking four years later dude is still talking about this statement I made and HOW I could say something like that and WHY I didn't understand how wrong it was and I said: the only thing I'm sorry about is the fact that you keep bringing this shit up. Yeah, I called you a lil' biyatch. Yeah, I said you needed to ball up. I said it. Stop acting like a biyatch and SHUT THE F*** UP about this shit.

I'm still not sorry I said it. He was on my nerves.

I don't talk to my husband like that though even with all that has gone on with us this past couple months.

CaliGirlED said...

Let me clarify as not to paint myself as "saintly". I have been known to have a "smart mouth", I curse like a sailor and I'm good for the last word, but when my thoughts turn hurtful I internalize them. I guess for me being a smart-alic is not as hurtful as just being plain old mean. Or is it?

MidWestDominicana said...

At the risk of being that preachy broad, I found these scriptures to be absolutely relevant to this post.

Proverbs 15
1 A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright:
but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

Proverbs 6
2 thou art snared with the words of thy mouth,
thou art taken with the words of thy mouth.

This is why I love Proverbs...got something for everything. There are more, in particular, one of my favorite scriptures in Proverbs is about a wise woman using her words to build up her husband (paraphrasing).

Never had this kind of situation with my hubby, but have been on both the giving and receiving ends with my sister. No bueno at all.

rozb said...

One thing that hurt me to the quick was when I found out about some heinous behavior of an ex. We had been seeing each other for a while, and whenever I asked if he was seeing others he said no. Well - not only was he seeing others, he got another woman pregnant. He only came clean to me because one of my friends ran into him with the baby.

To say I was hurt is an understatement - I was devastated. When I asked him why did he lie to me, he said "Well - I didn't consider us as being in a real relationship, so I thought it was none of your business." My view of him was forever changed, and any priority he may have had in my life prior to this had dried up and blew away.

We went off and on for the next nine years (DON'T JUDGE ME!), but I treated him like a secondary character in my life (or less), and he had yet to understand why this one statement changed everything. You cannot hit the DELETE button when this happens, and you cannot erase the memory of the pain the statement caused. Maybe he didn't think of me as his woman, but his actions spoke louder than his words. The blocking, the jealous behavior, and the possessive stance that I misread as caring and exclusive only meant that he wanted to keep me in the dark and isolated while he did his own thing.

Be careful of what you say to someone, just like you should be careful of what you wish for, because it may come back on you and you cannot put that particular genie back in the bottle.

rozb said...

I know all about cursing like a sailor - was one for 20 years! @%*!. See?

rozb said...

BTW - I felt gut-punched for real.

Monica said...

Whoever said that "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," lied big time. I'm a retired verbal gunslinger.

Nowadays, I try to avoid epic arguments. By the time an argument gets heated, I am not about merely stating my point, I am all about winning and that's no bueno. Heck, I have so many verbal altercations in my past, I can't even single one out to discuss in a post. It's all a blur. smh.

These days, when I see a discussion taking an unfortunate turn I'm usually the first to say, "Is this the kind of discourse you want to have?" "Do you really want to have this kind of conversation?" This usually gets the other party to stay on track or abort the discussion until things have cooled off.

You really can disagree without damaging each other.

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah I felt that reading this. Just wow!

Jess said...

Whoooooooooo chile.... I winced reading it. Coming from a mother that believed in going for the TKO out the gate, I grew up learning just how to hurt people worst, and matured to learn how to never do so. I look at it like this, never will I ever allow someone or something to have control over my character. I am not a mean person so I will not do or say mean things. It may sound trite, but its worked!

♞ they call me kj ♞ said...

good note.

i learned in high school how to use my sarcasm/wit to get shots in on folks #TysonStyle...however i learned that words hurt others more than it hurt me, and that wit/sarcasm, is best used as a rapier, not as a claymore . *waits for y'all to get back from wikipedia, lol*

however, i see on twitter...folks love getting shots in, and females i think are attractive just look ugly with excessive snark, dudes try so hard to insult, just come off as corny.

Penny said...

Wow, IMHO, one of the lowest things you can say to someone is an attempt to deny that a relationship ever existed (even if in the mind of the other person a relationship did not exist.) It is a power play, designed to make the other person feel as insignificant and foolish for their own feelings as possible. As you say, once the genie is out, no amount of "I'm sorry" "I didn't mean it that way", etc. can make it go away, or can ever make you look upon that person in the same way as before. As I get older, I realize sometimes it is just better to say nothing at all, rather than lash out in anger. Eating your words often results in heartburn.

rozb said...

Like many things, karma is a b! I recently ran into him, and he wanted to know why I haven't called him or returned his calls in months. I told him that since we weren't in a real relationship that it didn't matter whether or not I called him. Did it feel good? Yes, but I try not to be as verbally nasty and cutthroat as I can be.

I could have said a lot worse.

Aisha said...

funny i was just reviewing my blog and my two posts, about this very subject. I also thought about it this weekend when i got into a fight with the SO. i stopped just short of telling him something we would both regret, and just walked away, it's better to leave the fight than become the "winner," cause in the end you don't really win at all. Plus my mother always told me "never tell your man something that will affect 'who' he is, it's better to keep it to yourself than to attempt to 'un-man' him with certain things" <---that is sage advice, too many young ones don't know or haven't learned that one yet.

@they call me kj, one must be smart; with the right amount of padding and the wrong thrust, and the right parry, the rapier can do more damage to the wielder than the intended.

aishao1122 said...

funny i was just reviewing my blog and my two posts, about this very subject. I also thought about it this weekend when i got into a fight with the SO. i stopped just short of telling him something we would both regret, and just walked away, it's better to leave the fight than become the "winner," cause in the end you don't really win at all. Plus my mother always told me "never tell your man something that will affect 'who' he is, it's better to keep it to yourself than to attempt to 'un-man' him with certain things" <---that is sage advice, too many young ones don't know or haven't learned that one yet.

@they call me kj, one must be smart; with the right amount of padding and the wrong thrust, and the right parry, the rapier can do more damage to the wielder than the intended.

OneChele said...

Sometimes silence is golden too.

OneChele said...

They really are!

OneChele said...

Ouch! And you bet I will.

OneChele said...

I believe Maya Angelou says that words have you life you give them... truth!

jorgemateo said...

One of my homeboys got into it with his then-fiancee (no wife). She started to talk about everything wrong with him and even started talking about one of his friends. He then looked at her and said: You're just mad because she looks better than you.

Needless to say, the friend was not invited to the wedding.

#ouch.

William Martin said...

Words hurt like a bad mutha-shut-yo-mouth. I will own up, my ego is large but fragile. You pierce that sucker one good time, I may not give you a shot to go at it again. And then there's my tendency when wounded to want to strike back a la your folks in the story above. Next thing you know nasty things get said and where are we?

It's always a better idea to just stop, think, weigh those words in your head before letting them fly. Please. And thank you. Bruhs be sensitive. Even if we don't act it.

Monica said...

"I told him that since we weren't in a real relationship that it didn't matter whether or not I called him."

Zing!

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

...To say I was hurt is an understatement - I was devastated. When I asked him why did he lie to me, he said "Well - I didn't consider us as being in a real relationship, so I thought it was none of your business."... Smh...This is how folks wake up in the hospital or beyond help. Words have a power that many people underestimate. But karma is a "b" and living well is better than revenge!

Monica said...

"You're just mad because she looks better than you."

Oh. Snap.

OneChele said...

Oh. Alright then. Wow. Be careful.

OneChele said...

Excellent points all.

OneChele said...

I apologized in a 1000 different (and inventive) ways and I NEVER used that tone with him again. Ever. Not that I never got angry but I kept my arguments out of the attack mode.

OneChele said...

Last worditis is a tough one. I'm not sure I'm cured of that yet.

OneChele said...

Oooh no! Yeah, that's probably not a word to float out there unless you want it to take root.

OneChele said...

Yes they are. Bless their hearts.

OneChele said...

Le ouch indeed.

OneChele said...

Oooo, hard to get around that one.

OneChele said...

Umm yeah, I used to do that hold it in thing - had an ulcer at 25 that took years to heal. Relax, relate, release... rum drinks.

Penny said...

Props for not saying worse (but I do feel you for wanting to get in the zing!)

I try to remember the saying, "people will may forget what you said to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

OneChele said...

LAWD, not the Cajun voodoo thing. Yes, once had a guy ask me if I put a "root" on him. My Louisiana friends had to explain the concept.

OneChele said...

My Aunt Vi used to say "Biting your tongue is a learned talent" - I get that now.

OneChele said...

Yes, I can be smart-assy myself (know you wouldn't have guessed that) and have had to learn that snark has it's place. Like here on the blog. ;-)

OneChele said...

I am so familiar with the Nuclear Blast. That is the sound a relationship imploding, never to be put back together again.

OneChele said...

Proverbs and Psalms completely rock for easily applicable everyday life lessons.

Bethany Showell said...

Yeah it was one of those that as I said I was like ooh noooo take it back. Evenifitwasthetruth.

OneChele said...

No judging here. Kudos for not accidentally letting five fingers graze his face in quick succession after that "real relationship" line.

thinklikeRiley said...

My mouth stay writing checks my ass can't cash. *rileyshrug*

OneChele said...

I'm a retired verbal gunslinger. <~~Yes, I save it for my blog and my books.

OneChele said...

Love this!

OneChele said...

Twitter is the worse because it's anonymous shot-taking from keyboard brave folks. It's hard enough trying to infuse your "real self" into 140 character sound bites so when it's used for evil instead of good, it's worse.

OneChele said...

Yes, my mother also had an "un-manning" speech. No need for either side to thrust at the very heart when a flesh wound gets your point across.

Rob said...

Dr. Jayme taught us a trick of saying what you want inside your head and pretend it's being said to you before you say it aloud to the other person. Works every time.

rozb said...

I cam thisclose to letting my rottweiler ambush and eat is A up! But I am better off for letting him go (finally) and moving on to bigger and better things in life!

brownstocking said...

we would be done after something like that last line came out of his mouth. I'm forgettable--I don't stand out? Cool, consider me a distant memory.

Done.

rozb said...

Make sure that in biting one's tongue that you don't bleed to death. Sometimes folks need a verbal "snatching up", if you will...

Grace said...

And this is the problem right here. One person starts, the other is hurt and hits back and next thing you know is Armageddon. Armageddon hurts.

Grace said...

You know what I hate more than the flame throwing words though? That passive-aggressive mind game shiggity.
"Is that the dress you're wearing?"
"Oh, I thought you were going to curl your hair."
No sir. Don't come at me with that. Say it plain or STFU.

aishao1122 said...

Men must have a book of lines with the variation on this one, college SO (the only one at that point) had a fiance with a house that her daddy paid for, and worked at the daddies law firm(can we say bought and paid for?), as far as I knew they had broken up. Cut to one day at work after we had been togehter for a while chick and friends roll-up to me at work, we go outside (how would it look if token got into a arguement in the school bookstore?) and she tells me they are engaged. alright whatever, go over to his place and he blase' going to say to me(yes i know it's not proper english, i'm still upset 9 yrs later)
"well i didn't think you were important enough to know" O_O

we had been dating for a year, everybody EVERYBODY knew they had gotten back together including some of my line sisters O_o (so much for" sisterhood"). And me the poor fool who was hanging out at his place, cooking and cleaning like we were married,

last damn time i ever played myself that way.

OneChele said...

I could see where that might happen ;-)

OneChele said...

Anytime you throw looks, sexual prowess or money into it - ouch.

OneChele said...

my ego is large but fragile Amen.

OneChele said...

That's a good one.

J. Jackson said...

Wow! I'm glad that you were able to get out of that situation. That's foul (to say the least) that your line sisters, hell ANYBODY didn't pull you to the side and say, "I have something to tell you..."

Finally, dude was a coward. If he married the girl, he's probably miserable. #ohwell

aishao1122 said...

You know some common courtesy would have been nice. even his boys knew, some who i counted as friends and not one said anything.

CaliGirlED said...

LE OUCH!!!...I just remembered telling my ex that if his mother could she would have sex with him. (In not such polite words). I know that was awful! What's crazy is that he didn't really get mad, more like a sad realization, because in some sick way it explained why she was so possessive of him.

Angela said...

I've always had a smart mouth (with 7 brothers and one sister, it kind of comes with the territory) and have learned to use it wisely. When I get a little heated, I let the other person know that I'm going to need some time to myself to deal with my emotions. If they insist on pressing the issue at that time, I warn them that I'm going to say something they'll regret hearing; I will not, however, regret saying it.

CaliGirlED said...

Hey it's 5:00 somewhere!

CaliGirlED said...

Major cudos for that snappy comeback! Bougie-style at it's best!

CaliGirlED said...

"This is how folks wake up in the hospital..." From the words of that song, It's A Thin Line Between Love & Hate (Here I am laid in the hospital bandaged from feet to head. In a state of shock, just that much from being dead. Didn't think my woman could do something like that to me, didn't think the girl had the nerve. But here I am, I guess actions speak louder than words.)

CaliGirlED said...

People do usually shy away from divulging such information. My ex's sister got fed up and told me that her brother was cheating on me and that I deserved better. I love her still to this day!

cocoaeyecandy said...

This one cuts a little deep. I'll just say "Preach on" on slide on out.

CaliGirlED said...

Love the honesty!

C Nelson said...

There was a wedding after that?

Jesse said...

But it's amazing how perception changes with anger. When my last gf was happy with me, I was the best she ever had. When she wasn't, I was the worst. The truth probably lay somewhere in between.

C Nelson said...

I think that what gets me in trouble (and makes it hard all the way round) is that when I take the lid off my usually-conciliatory brain, whatever my tongue serves up has been simmering awhile. There's no going back to say "I was just mad, love, I didn't mean it" -- I meant it. I still mean it, although after the heat of the moment I swing back to tempering justice with mercy and remembering the other point of view. "I'm sorry I said that" tends to not work very well as an apology when what the other person wants to hear is that I didn't mean it at all.

FreeBlackMan said...

This is why I 90% of the time check the actions. Those are real. Words can come from anywhere and mean either everything or nothing. Show me.

J. Jackson said...

@aisha that just goes to show that they were not your friends. I understand... Believe me, I've been in that situation where everyone that my SO was cheating on me, BUT me. It's a hurting feeling when you're in love and they're just there. I can honestly say that when that happened to me, I felt like a fool. You know the old Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes song, "The Whole Town is Laughing At Me" that's how I felt * 1,000,000.

Joy Andrews said...

You know it!

J. Jackson said...

This --> "Well - I didn't consider us as being in a real relationship, so I thought it was none of your business."

I just don't understand how people can spend time with another person, get to know them, and all the while they're deceiving them. To me that seems like too much energy and work... something I don't have. Just the nerve of some people.

Joy Andrews said...

Reminds me of Inception, where the idea got planted in old girls' head and she couldn't get it out of her mind.

Joy Andrews said...

I've definitely flung my share of ill-thought-out words in my day (none of which I'll admit to on here). I'm working on not needing to express my every thought especially in anger.

Steve said...

They say admitting it is half the problem.

Steve said...

Deep.

Carmen said...

IMO I'd make that 50% of the time. Been in too many situations/seen it too many times where the actions were false but the words were true. Actions can often be as self-serving as words. i.e. treating someone as a significant other in all the important ways: meeting close friends, time, money, etc ... but stating very clearly that you don't want to be in a relationship.

Steve said...

You know what though? I'd just like the honesty. Don't say one thing, do another. Act one way, words don't match. Be real with it, if it hurts, okay then at least I know what's what. This applies to relationships, friendships, business and family. Everybody stay legit in walk and talk and we have no problems. Unrealistic huh?

GammasWorld said...

I've never done with my partner but I'll never forget saying something really ugly to my daughter when she was testing me during her teen years. Having been the victim of harsh words from a parent, I knew as soon as I opened my mouth it should have been a fall back moment.

Monna said...

That old adage think before you speak should be applied more often. I'm not a slinger, but I believe a couple times I have said things I wish I could take back.

CaliGirlED said...

Now if that ain't the truth!

aishao1122 said...

yeah i just needed one to stand up, but it seemed like no one was willing to do it. Oh well, lessons learned and such

aishao1122 said...

yup know that feeling in spades, i think i was more pissed about my sorors not sharing what they knew than what he had to say.

J B said...

There's an expression in Spanish, "en la escalera" I believe, which translates directly to "on the stairs", but I believed is a shortened version of a French expression which translates to "I didn't think of a good comeback until I got home and was walking upstairs to bed." That happens to me ALL the time.

I'm more apt to err on the side of not speaking at all as opposed to saying something I'll regret. Words can cut. I don't pull out a weapon til I'm ready to use it.

Bunni said...

Umm yeah, as one who's 5 year relationship ended because of my "sarcasm", trust, to some men it's just as if not more hurtful...

Stank_0 said...

We need to stick a pin right here. Do you notice that men have some areas off limits in a discussion/disagreement? Men can and will roast each other but there's some areas they don't go into. I think part of it is the very real possibility of hands flyin behind some slick s**t. There's also not alot of passive agressive talk, spit it out. We bark back and forth and either there's a "misunderstanding" or it's concluded.

Women aren't constrained in such a manner.

sunt97 said...

Man this makes me want to go what You've Got Mail. I always hate it when someone throws out a zinger that gives you mind numb. You just stand there mouth gapped open, trying to find words and nothing comes out until later. I have said some mean one liners in my lifetime and have wanted to take them back, but once they have left the lips it's just too late. I always want to have the last word and sometimes that is exactly what it is.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

keishabrown said...

im about 3 days late and 14 cents short..but still had to post.
i am not a yeller (well..outside the boudoir LOL), my piercing words were sent via email (eep).
i'd get mad at whomever, write everything i thought and felt and unleashed a MF dragon on that person.
then i'd see what i wrote and have to apologize (as my reaction sometimes made things worse).
since then, my lack of fight has caused issues in a relationship (imagine that). dudes have told me (yes multiple), if you are pissed at me.. say so now..dont say so later.

now, i get what they are saying: if i ask you what is wrong, dont say fine..then bring it up 20 days later. but for me? i have to take a breath/minute to siddown and hold a seat before saying anything. its better because words can and do wound all the time. and you cant take them back.
i also try to pick my battles..am i REALLY mad/hurt or just momentarily irritated? so i guess it's really about the fine balance between the 2.

i can and do still write a mean letter, but its no longer (not usually at least) out of anger, but its even more focused and sharp (aka iron clad and hard to dissect).

i stay having lastworditis tho. esp on blogs. LOL.

Iced_Coffee_Sweet_Tea_Diva said...

Most of you are too young to remember Dear Abby and Ann Landers (twins who were syndicated advice columnists back in the day when newspapers were newspapers) but one of them had a great answer for a woman who had written a letter in a rage, dropped it in the mailbox, had a change of heart, couldn't convince the mail carrier to give it back (uh, that would be a felony) and wound up minus a friend: if you just *have* to write that letter/e-mail/text (let's think of everything), save it in your draft folder before you hit 'send' or drop it in the mailbox or (shudder) drop it off. After you have time to reflect, you may not *need* to send it and won't have to bear the consequences. **Tipping back out of BougieLand to go raise sand with our US Senators**

SingLikeSassy said...

I dated this guy who complained about everything. One day I had enough of it and went Menace to Society on him when I said: You are sounding like a lil' biyatch right now. Get some ballz 'bout yaself.

He brought that up in every argument we had from that point forward because I wouldn't apologize for saying it. I told him I was sorry it hurt his feelings, but that I meant that when I said it. Deal with it.

One day I had enough of his whining about the comment -- I'm talking four years later dude is still talking about this statement I made and HOW I could say something like that and WHY I didn't understand how wrong it was and I said: the only thing I'm sorry about is the fact that you keep bringing this shit up. Yeah, I called you a lil' biyatch. Yeah, I said you needed to ball up. I said it. Stop acting like a biyatch and SHUT THE F*** UP about this shit.

I'm still not sorry I said it. He was on my nerves.

I don't talk to my husband like that though even with all that has gone on with us this past couple months.

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