In today's episode of Ask a Bougie Chick, a young lady writes in for our collective help, review, reflection and advice. (I did shorten content and correct spelling) Let's take a look...
Hi Michele,
A FB friend recommended your blog a couple of months ago and I've been a fan every since that day! lol I love the advice you give to the readers and I wanted to get your opinion about a couple of dilemmas I have from someone other than my closest friends and family. So here goes me being transparent and somewhat vulnerable....
1) I'm a single female in her early 30s who hasn't found love yet...EVER. No, seriously...I've never been in a relationship, never had a boyfriend, no first date, no first kiss, and obviously no cocoa....NADA!!!!! So, I guess you can imagine my self-esteem has been below the ground and all the way underneath to China (well, we know geographically that isn't true but I think you get my point). All this time I keep thinking there has to be something utterly wrong with me, for no one not even the crazies to even approach me. [sic] So, I guess my question to you is how do I open myself, my heart and my activities to be in the right position for finding love? I already know that because of my relationship inexperience I have to be extra careful because some dudes will take advantage of me. This is why I know that whoever is the one for me will have to be someone really special to not only understand that I'm not crazy for never experiencing things as everyone else, but will most importantly see me as a special treasure because of it. Thoughts?
Which leads me to my 2nd dilemma....in your words...le sigh
2) I have a male friend who we'll call "Thomas". I've known Thomas for 3+ years and we've worked together for a good portion of those years. At first I was sooooooo (with an extra "o" for emphasis) not attracted to him. In fact I had my eye on someone else so I wasn't really interested at all. Honestly I thought he was too skinny that if I did share the cocoa with him I would break him in half...just keeping it real. Anywhoo, Thomas helped me through a really painful loss of a loved one with words of encouragement and as a result we became close friends instead of just associates. Even then I didn't fall prey to him being my "Superman" who is a guy just being nice but the woman thinks he's the "one". I took his friendship for just that - a really good friend supporting another good friend. That was it and I was cool with it. He's there for me and I'm there for him on so many levels - emotionally, spiritually, professionally, etc.
Then one day I don't even know when....I fell in love with him.....ugggh Since I've never been in a relationship (hence question #1 above), I committed the BougieFAIL of telling him how I felt about him as more than a friend without really getting a feel to see if he felt the same way. I know, I know, big mistake. Well, here's where it gets complicated...after I told him how I felt he didn't completely shoot me down. Now, I don't think he would've gone "Whitney HELL TO DA NAW" with the neck roll on me to express his disinterest (lol), but he did say it was something he would consider and something he'd actually thought about but wasn't sure how it would work. In his own words we connect really well and we both love how we can be transparent with each other so who knows what could happen. It's funny because who don't know assume that we're a couple and not just close friends and I IMMEDIATELY correct them that it's not that serious.
Well, fast forward 2 years and dude is still considering and thinking....lol Yeah, we're still great friends, still work together (but now as business owners) and oddly enough the friendship has gotten stronger and more open despite my blurted out confession. [sic] He thinks I'm truly a special woman (no, not the short bus kind) that any guy would appreciate, he's just not sure he would be the one. I can't even say that he gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech because we agreed that we both have issues to work out even if we were to get into a relationship. Jesus help me.... [SN: I left out some other details that have me just as confused, but I thought I'd give your eyes a break! ;)]
Thanks for your ear,
Confused in the City
My response to Confused was this:
1) One of my dearest friends had this same experience and actually did not have her first love/cocoa until age 36. We just kept being encouraging. It happens when it happens. I don’t know where you live but if you’re somewhere where the dating pool is shallow, you may want to consider online dating. A few reasons – one, you can start learning about people without the pressure of face to face. Two, you can go as slow as you like. Three, you have access to a lot more men. Understanding that you can regulate how much or how little you tell someone about yourself and your history. As for being afraid of getting hurt or getting taken advantage of – don’t fear that. It happens and unless the dude is dangerous (physically), you’ll survive and carry on to be smarter for the next encounter.
2) Just leave Thomas be. No ninja needs two years to decide if he wants to move to the next level. The fact that the friendship is there and it’s one that you values, let that be enough. More than likely if you meet and start dating someone else, Thomas will suddenly be ready to take it there. Case of never miss the water till it’s gone. I respect that you may feel the need to hold out hope waiting for The One to get on board but life too short and precious to spend it waiting.
And now it's your turn. Words of wisdom, thoughts, anecdotal tales? And remember, this girl came to BougieLand for help - speak your mind but keep it polite. The floor is yours.
74 comments:
Im gonna deal with the Thomas situation first. I believe that you should leave him alone, he sounds like nothing but trouble. The fact that 2 years later he is still considering you disturbs me. It just feels like he wants to have you around as his last option. If you aren't the only option its not a point in being in the relationship . I dont want you to wind up in a relationship like the young lady that we read about last week , in which she essentially lessened herself to be with him. I also dont want you to have a piece of a man. Now you mentioned that you have some issues to deal with before you can be in a relationship. I think you should examine those issues NOW while you are single, before you get into a relationship and they potentially ruin a relationship.
Now on to you. I think that you are scared of love - actually I think you are the 30 year old version of me. You also have to realize that not everyman is going to like you, but I guarantee there is someone out there who genuinely likes you for you , and not just because you are a big girl. They wont just love you because you are there at the time. You are worth the wait. At the same time , dont be afraid to put yourself out there . Go to museums , go to plays - enjoy being single but make you the best you can possibly be. Dont be afraid of people playing with your emotions/ taking advantage of you ,because it has to happen so you can grow from it. My pastor always says that what we focus on is what we will become.
Everybody goes through times of confusion in their lives. It only looks clear if you are on the outside looking in :-) Depending on the level of attachment to Thomas, you might need to put some distance between the two of you in order to clear your head of him. I'd suggest spending some of your non-work time out and about doing the things you like to do or try something completely different or take classes - anything to add more experience to your life and open other doors. And I don't mean just relationship doors. Sometimes the best relations are found on the way to something else. And I'd ignore the peer/social pressure to taste the hot chocolate. It will happen when it happens. Good luck and go out and sparkle!
I think, regarding Thomas, that you should raise the issue once more. Not for an ultimatum, but for closure, I would say "I need to know where we stand, because two years is as long as I'm willing to invest in waiting." I fully expect he won't give you a straight answer, but you can then take that as a no. Since you will then have given him a chance, you can laugh at him when he decides he does want you -- which will probably be about ten seconds after you find someone else.
Confused, I say this not to be mean but just so you have straight - move on. A man who hasn't made a move on an unattached woman who declared her feelings in two years time - just isn't worth your time. He's your friend though not a very good one if he can't give a straight answer.
Who knows why he's holding back. In the end, it doesn't matter.
As for the no kiss, no cocoa - (and this is easier said than done) don't dwell it. The minute you stop worrying when where how and if it will ever happen. It will. I'm not a big advocate of online dating but I agree with Chele on this one. It will give you more opportunity to meet people. And you need to get out and see more than Thomas.
Don't worry about missing out on the cocoa. When it pours, it pours. It's like a genie you can't put back in the bottle.
Thomas has taken exactly 1 year, 11 months and 24 days too long to close the loop. He could've decided in a week whether he wanted to take the relationship there or not. I'm sorry to say this not knowing all of your situation but it's almost a little mean. He's keeping you just so close and making you feel some kinda way but withholding that extra last step that you crave. It's a little too much Lucy holding the football but Charlie never gets to kick it.
I'm going to say you need distance and distractions. Good luck, it's rough out there.
Chele, I know you said keep it polite so I'm going to try.
1) Eject Thomas from your life. He's the common denominator in what is holding you back on a number of levels
2) Don't wait for your first anything to be perfect. Holiday time, mistletoe, start by kissing a friend (NOT THOMAS) and consider that first hurdle done.
3) Did I say eject Thomas already?
Everything FreeBlackMan said.
I concur with the readers below - step away from Thomas! It may be hard because you guys are friends but you need some emotional and physical distance NOW. You may still have feelings for him and that is okay. At some point your heart will catch up with your mind and body when you start to explore greener and better pastures!
As far as the no cocoa and everything else, cherish it! I have 2 cousins that saved their virginity till marriage and both holler it was more than worth the wait. Please know that saving yourself is a special thing so wait for that special one who will be worth it.
I waited a while (29) to share my cocoa and my only regret is all the time I spent worrying about it in advance.
I think Thomas is a tree blocking your view of the forest.
I have to agree with Chele, leave Thomas be and look elsewhere. I don't promote others work, but pick up Steve Harvey's book "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" only because it will at least help you to know the signs "is he really interested" and you will not waste time wondering. Online dating...be careful, don't give too much information too soon and meet in a well populated area. Love has not time frame, so enjoy yourself and Thomas is just business as usual...let it be.
You lost me at Steve Harvey's book which I was forced to read by my ex-girlfriend. Please don't hold that up as a standard of conduct. It's a mashed up group of platitudes and stereotypes which will leave this sweet inexperienced girl more confused and alone.
Confused - Go find an older man and ask him what to look for. First clue will be if he smiles at you and asks you out. If he progresses the relationship. You don't need a Rosetta Stone for men. We're not that hard to figure out. If we like you, we'll pursue you and it won't take two years.
Thomas isn't feeling you like that ma dear. When a man really likes you, he will let you know one way or another. There is shy and then there is just plain old not interested. It doesn't take 2 years to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship. You two are business owners so you can't eighty-six him from your world just like that and it doesn't sound like you want to.
My advice: Get out there and live. Pursue interests you've always had, don't be afraid to go out by yourself. In doing this, you will meet interesting people and start to rack up some interesting life experiences.
If you haven't already, take time to go on some self exploration missions so you'll know what flavors you like when you are ready to share a cup of cocoa with someone.
Stop confiding in Thomas so much.
Once you start having some new suitors/ friends of the male kind in your life, Thomas will gain some clarity on his feelings with the quickness of course by then it may be too late.
This may seem patronizing but I'm going to ask anyway... did you really fall in love with Thomas or do you feel a lot of warm, fuzzy things for him because he's there? As a lot of the "older" folks in here will tell you - there are times we thought we were in love but looking back, not so much.
Time for you to shake things up. See new people, go to new places, get a complete different outlook and see what that feels like. Same advice I gave my sister who was in the exact same boat as you two years ago.
P.S. You're not missing out on the joke. The jokes are the same no matter what date on the calendar. You can look back later and still laugh.
Once you get Thomas off your mind, I envy you. What I wouldn't do to start over with clean slate and be truly selective. What I wouldn't give to take time to figure out who the hell I am without men and the steamy cocoa clouding my view.
I may be oversharing.
I'm waiting for Chele's head to explode because someone came into BnB and brought Steve Harvey! LMAO.
I agree with Chele. Go online and widen the net but make sure you have people (NOT BLOCKING-ASS THOMAS) to help you scout and screen and be in the pre-determined location (like a Starbucks) where you meet them for the first time.
NO one else is gonna call bullshiggity on Thomas? Really? With the keep me close but at arms length move? The I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you thing?
Alright then.
Even though I feel that my experiences with men have played a vast part in making me who I am today, I know exactly what you mean.
I agree with the people telling Confused to date herself. Darling, find out what revvs you up. What gets you excited about life? What are your passions and interests? Get out and explore your city and if there isn't enough there, create your own space. Travel if time allows, read more, take classes (I absolutely LOVE dance and cooking classes just for the social aspect as well as exercise).
Start journaling what you want out of your day, your week, your month, your year, your life and then get to work! You can do it!!
Build yourself up, talk to yourself if you have to. Nothing helps jumpstart a new path like a makeover, besides it's fun to let someone pamper you once in a while. Get a massage, get an expert makeup application, maybe try a new hair style and then dress up in your favorite outfit and treat yourself to a beautiful meal, then take a long walk and just enjoy you.
Once you begin experiencing just how wonderful you truly are, others will begin to see it, too.
As for not having had the opportunity to share the cocoa...girl...omg! The moment when you know that he is the right one for your precious gift is an exciting moment that should be cherished. Going there with the one you choose is a fantastic moment that should be filled with anticipation and knowing that you're happy about the choice you've made, not pressure to do it.
You have so much to look forward to! All the best to you, dear.
I agree with William. Thomas has given you your answer, he just has not stated the answer in words. (I don't have much patience with folk that can't clearly articulate what they want or don't want.) His actions indicate that he is not the same friend to you as you are to him.
As far as the cocoa is concerned, if you are in your 30s and still have not shared the cocoa yet, please do not make an attempt to share it with someone like Thomas. Not only is he not worth your time, but since you are business partners, sharing cocoa with Thomas could not only have devastating emotional effects, but there is also the potential for business and financial disaster as well.
Concerning your issues that you have to work out-everyone has some kind of issue. Not sure how large your issues are, but whatever they are, getting involved with someone who is not worthy of you will only compound whatever issues you have. I wish you well.
Thomas isn't for you. Your experience with Thomas lets you know that you are normal and can get the tingly feelings, and that when the right man is there, you have everything in working order.
First, work on you. You address that your self-esteem is really low, and that always translates externally to someone who may be insecure and unwilling to enjoy the ride. Do what boosts your self-esteem. What are your talents? Do you sing, create artwork, organize functions? Try something that is part from your business that gives you pleasure, boosts your confidence, and exposes you to the outside world, away from the business and Thomas. Being plus-sized has nothing to do with being lovable, but it may have an effect on how you project your inner and exterior beauty. Take it from a nice, fluffy girl - I know what I have and I am also aware of my strengths and best features. So, like most women, I play those up, and sorta put the flaws in the background. Great legs, beautiful smile, fierce wardrobe, a runway walk, and hella confidence makes many a man's head snap around when you work it right.
"It's funny because who don't know assume that we're a couple and not just close friends and I IMMEDIATELY correct them that it's not that serious." You yourself have set this up to be no more than platonic. Maybe you took this approach so as not to get your hopes up, but this just emphasized your lack of confidence. You need to claim it and own it, and if he protests and says he isn't ready or doesn't want to go there, well...it is his loss and keep it moving.
You guys are in business together now, and to mix business in with cocoa may not blend as nicely as mixing it with marshmallows. To me, this is a definite sign that you need to move on and aspire to someone outside of the business. That way, if things do not work out, you can keep your professional relationships together. To get in a thing with Thomas and have a business may not be the best idea.
Wow, this really hits close to home for me. Like you, I haven't shared my cocoa with anyone (I'm 26) and I have wondered, "What the hell is wrong with me?" But then I've came to the realization, that i'm perfectly fine, and I haven't met The One yet.
I was like you all up until 16 months ago, but then something drastic happened. I moved cross-country from Richmond, California to Charlotte, North Carolina for graduate school. To say that the move has changed me would be an understatement. Before moving to Charlotte, I didn't drive (hey we have BART in the Bay Area), lived with my parents, worked a boring job (had to pay my way through undergrad, financial aid was NOT enough), and really didn't entertain men. I have been in one real relationship that had me running for the hills... literally. After that experience, I built a wall around my heart and become a not so nice person.
I agree with everyone else, learn what makes you happy. I had to do this myself when I moved. I have no family in Charlotte, but I do have an aunt in North Carolina (she's 5 hours away and honestly I wouldn't know how to get to her). So I basically "started over" when I moved to Charlotte. Had to learn the culture, people, school system, EVERYTHING. Looking back on it, i'm glad that I made the move because the experience has helped me to grow as a person.
Also, leave Thomas alone. Like everyone is saying, if a man is feeling you it doesn't take him two years to express that. I remember when I was test driving my car, I struck up a conversation with a gentleman who worked at the dealership. Before I left the dealership, he asked me out. Like the Common song, "The Light" (which is one of my favorites by the way) "It doesn't take a full day to recognize sunshine". Thomas is PLAYING you. If I didn't know any better I think he was getting some sick twisted joy of seeing you alone.
About the online dating, just be careful. I tried it once (might try it again), but there were definitely weirdos and people on there looking for a "hook-up" and nothing else. Just use your judgement and you should be fine.
Good luck! The One is out there, and i'm 99.999999% certain it is NOT Thomas! (=:
O_O
Thank you Jason! I thought I was the only one who thought that Teeth Harvey is the last person who should be giving pseudo relationship advice.
I agree with the previous comment that Confused should focus on improving her self-esteem. Confidence attracts confidence.
Also, I don’t understand why everyone is making Thomas out to be the bad guy. It’s not fair to you (Confused) to interpret his description of your friendship (“we connect really well,” transparency, etc) as something beyond a platonic relationship. By saying “he didn’t completely shoot me down” it seems you are waiting to hear what you want to hear instead of listening to and taking to heart what he is saying, verbally and nonverbally. I think Thomas tried to inform you of his position without being hurtful and damning the friendship, which is a very difficult terrain to navigate. He can value you as a friend and acknowledge you being a special woman without being romantically interested.
Confused take some time to self-reflect but don’t dwell on it too long. Sometime you have to confess your feelings to yourself, charge the rest to the game, and move on.
Good luck!
>fist bumps< to @Jason and @blackprofessor!!
Whatever you do, don't pick up no damn Steve Harvey book. Hell naw.
Thomas could be harboring some of the same angsts and insecurities, but from Confused's account it seems as though she went to great lengths to set boundaries around their friendship, and now wonders why it hasn't transcended into the relationship zone. However and whatever the full backstory, I hope that she will heed the suggestions and advice that have been offered today (except for Steve Harvey - I just can't with that...). Get to know self first, look to some older married folks for some real talk, and don't put yourself on a relationship clock-watch! When it's time, you'll know. And the cocoa does not have a 'use by' date so don't feel pressured to stir up some counterfeit brew. You'll savor the flavor when it's time.
Thomas makes my azz itch. Bump him. When a man loves/wants a woman he will make a way. (That's something my Grandma always says and I whip it out at moments like this. LOL!)
In any case, I think the online dating is a good idea, too. Try it. Have fun! Report back!
More women and men probably share that sentiment than will ever tell! We get caught up in what we're 'supposed to be' because we reach an age or level - bullshiggity to the 10th degree! We are works in progress, not to be determined by magazines, clothing or (help us Lawd) videos and red carpets!!
"...which will probably be about ten seconds after you find someone else."...And you know this man! (in my Chris Tucker voice)
oh yes! I concur
Thomas is not the one for you because NO man that is really interested in a woman will ever let an opportunity to have her in his life pass. He already told you that you were not the one for him when he replied that he would "consider it". There is nothing fulfilling, worthwhile or endearing about waiting around for someone. Uh uh, Hell to the Naw **in my best Whitney voice**
Relationships and love are grown up situations and are not for the faint of heart or spirit. You always have to be willing to take a risk when you take that step. And the cocoa can confuse a situation that is already muddled.
The first thing I would advise, is for you to think about yourself. Expand your horizons (outside of the business) by doing things that YOU have always wanted to do. Discover everything about yourself so that you know what you like or don't like. The greatest thing that you could do for yourself and your "love life" is to figure out all of who you are independent of another individual or societal expectations.
Cocoa combined with self confidence is Belgian good!
Hmm, I'm not sure she should raise the issue again. The only thing she wants to hear from him is "Okay - let's do this" and he should be able to come to that decision without prompting. IMHO
I agree, he should. But I think that someone who was invested enough in hoping that she would wait two years probably needs to hear a "no" or something she can take for a "no" so she can move on without wondering if she should have waited just a little bit longer. That kind of doubt can poison every other relationship she tries to have if she holds back, hoping that Thomas will somehow, someday come through.
Can I just say THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT BEING COCOA-LY ACTIVE?
Thomas has already answered her, though. He was very diplomatic in his response and, if he were interested in two years!!!! something would have happened to make them a couple. A kiss, a hug, a date, some handholding, SOMETHING. He likes her as a friend, and that's OK. But the subject of them dating is closed.
Thomas may not even be aware that Confused is in limbo waiting for response. Either way, it's most definitely time to spread your wings and fly a little bit. If the business relationship is worth holding onto, so be it but I would dial down your friendship to the most platonic business level. Just being around him to the degree that you are has you in a "coupled up" mindset which believe it or not, others pick up on. As for the rest, never fear - it's on the way. Take this extra time to prep yourself and enjoy. I wish you all the best.
Actually, I think, if Thomas worded things the way she's reporting, he went out of his way to *not* tell her no. Now, I'd take two years of silence as a no, and so would you -- hell, I'd take a *week* of silence as a no, but I'm impatient and insecure that way, and I always believe that I'm going to hear no right up until I hear yes, and sometimes even after. But that's not Confused, or she wouldn't still be waiting and wondering. I think the least Thomas owes her is a clear, unambiguous no.
I'm in total agreement with #3!
Confused, can this business venture go on without Thomas? Do you have to have a partner? You may even have to close the business and start over. BELIEVE me I know it's hard to cut a close friend (male or female), but when you realize someone is not good for your life, your soul, your well-being, you MUST cut them loose or create enough distance so that they no longer have that effect on you.
"Thomas has taken exactly 1 year, 11 months and 24 days too long to close the loop."... My mathematical mind went to work, that boils down to 7 days! Then I read your next sentence. LOL!!! I agree!
I try not to have regrets and learn from the lessons life has taught me, but man oh man oh man if I could "...start over with clean slate and be truly selective. What I wouldn't give to take time to figure out who the hell I am without men and the steamy cocoa clouding my view."
THANKS for oversharing!!!
Hmm, you ain't said nothing but a word. I believe I would time machine myself back to age 27, or 21 (as long as I could go back knowing what I know now)
I agree and have the same comments as the others on line here. If you are leery about the on-line dating thing, try some "singles" only outings in your area, in order to get out and meet new people, and do new things. Thomas needs to "kick rocks". Once you informed him of your feelings, if he "just was not that into you" he should have been man enough to let you know without hurting the friendship instead of trying to string you along for 2 years (so immature) So I repeat what has been said soooo many times here. "Step away from the Thomas". He is "blocking your blessing* and you are allowing him to do it.
This>>> there are times we thought we were in love but looking back, not so much
Well, y'all handled it to my satisfaction. ;-)
I love how you infer that Steve Harvey was the reason your girlfriend is now an ex - care to share a BougieTale?
"I know what I have and I am also aware of my strengths and best features. So, like most women, I play those up, and sorta put the flaws in the background. Great legs, beautiful smile, fierce wardrobe, a runway walk, and hella confidence makes many a man's head snap around when you work it right." This is it right here!
Confused, I hate to sound "cliché", but "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "different strokes for different folks". To some men you are too big, to some men you may even be too little, but to some men you are just right! What matters is how you feel. Because like Roz said, it's about "how you project your inner and exterior beauty". Work what you got mama, cause some men are simply attracted to true confidence!
I would like to advice ALL WOMEN to do this! Get to know you and what you like with or without a man. Travel, learn to cook, take up line dancing, play the oboe, be something besides some guy's girlfriend, cuddle cocoa, jumpoff, wife, mama, sister, auntie... Get with you!
"And the cocoa does not have a 'use by' date so don't feel pressured to stir up some counterfeit brew. You'll savor the flavor when it's time."
Love this!!!
^^^ Why I love me some Jayme.
BTW, she's writing the guest post to wrap up relationship week - make sure to come by and get some of that!
...and he did not want to rock the friendship boat by declaring one way or the other. You have already realized that Thomas is not for you. When the right one comes along, you and he will know it. Like the readers are saying, get to know you, and the rest will follow. Do someone totally out of the norm, that you always wanted to do. Love you and you will draw the love to you.
" Do someone totally out of the norm, "
Oops, sorry, I meant, " something out of the norm!!!" That sounded way bad! "red with embarassment"
I was going to fall back and let the ladies (for the most part) answer this one. But I have to say that if you haven't shared yourself at this point, just wait for The One. It's one thing to be 15 and stupid and a little buzzed off beer, groping around in the back seat... uh, you know what? Let me get back to my point - take your time girl. Take two steps back and to the left.
Let the church say! A-MEN!
I dove into the cocoa WAY TOO EARLY and spent way too many years splashing around like I thought it was gonna run out. We get no re-dos (that we're aware of)
There is MOST DEFINITELY nothing wrong with getting personal with your own cocoa to figure out what sets the pot on boil! *stock up on bat'ries.*
Besides being mystified at a man evolved enough to believe in "The One" - this made me laugh
You mean how she got to toting and quoting that book like it was the bible and dissecting our every conversation and action to make sure I was "treating her like a lady"? That BougieTale of woe? Naw, I'll pass. On her and the re-tell.
OMG - I love the Lucy/Charlie analogy.
I cannot resist cueing up the old school Brownstone - If you love me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91NExZP5dZI
First of all, congrats on your own business and getting to a point where you are beginning to know your own mind and heart. Now, I think you know what needs to be done and just wanted a little bougieland validation. GO DO IT. And let us know how it goes.
"...We get no re-dos (that we're aware of)"
There is all kinds of plastic surgery out there, even some to 'cosmetically restore' the cocoa highway to its original state. Like putting the 'new car scent' air freshener over the mirror - it was once, but once is gone.
I love that whole album! Where are they?!! True talent!!!
Kegels work (if you don't want to go the surgery route). Not sure of the spelling.
First, let me thank everyone for your comments and words of encouragement. It really means a lot and I’ve been fighting back tears all day here at work. :’) My low self-esteem and lack of confidence is something I’ve dealt with most of my life and now I’m finally fed up to the point where I’m willing to change.
As some of you have suggested, I have started doing some things by myself in the last couple of months (without Thomas or anyone else) – sometimes I enjoyed it, sometimes I felt miserable but at least I can say I did it! I’m trying to figure out what I value most in life and it’s tough because I’m learning I have qualities that I absolutely love and some that I detest. Yep, it’s time to focus on me. Besides, this can’t be God’s purpose for me and I’m stubborn enough to keep pressing through this season. As an added blessing about a week after sending my email, I met a young lady at my church who is in the same EXACT (literally) dilemma as me, except she’s been at it longer. I thank God He allowed me to see another sister who could finally relate to my specific experience and show me how to have joy in spite of how things seem.
As far as Thomas, keeping it strictly business may be a little difficult. We have the same circle of friends (church, professional, social, etc.) so we’re bound to bump into each other even if we’re not business partners. But I will say, shortly before writing Michele I started putting distance between Thomas and I for my own sanity and so far so good. The business hasn’t suffered and neither has the friendship, plus I’m starting to put things in better perspective. Do I have setbacks? Of course, but I’m learning to do things on my own without him and being ok with it. To be honest, I’m not quite ready to give up on the friendship or the business relationship. We’re compatible in both areas and if I work on ME first instead of a relationship I think we could be a dynamic duo – strictly platonic. I really don’t think he’s a monster or jerk me but I do admit that I’ve created a fantasy world that largely contributed to this cloudy mess.
Thanks again for your advice!
You go girl!!! Now decide what size you are happy with, and WORK IT! For your health's sake you may want to take on an exercise regimen, but don't go trippin about if a man likes it or not. If you like it, he'll love it! Do you! And as Ms. Diva said below, know that you have folks praying for you.
As Gran'mama would say "Child, you're gonna be fine! You're going to live through, live long and be fine!" You're taking good steps to work on yourself and not expect Thomas or any other man to fix or complete you (go. sit. down. "Jerry McGuire") Congrats on realizing that you don't have to sacrifice your business (especially if it's going well in this fragile economy) for romance. You've admitted your part in creating the fantasy world, now go on and pursue your real-world dreams. Keep your head up because you can't see God's blessings for you if you're constantly looking down at the ground! Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Know that you have folks praying for the best for you.
Whoa, a lot of great advice. So yes, as you have mentioned below, work on your self esteem , confidence and self-love. I belive in a lot of self talk , because the most important conversation we have are those we have with ourselves.
As for Thomas, keep it at that business level and waste no more time on him, as Micheal Lebouf says, "waste your money and you are out of money, but waste your time and your have lost a part of your life. So moving forward take his answer for what it is and respect his stance on that. Who knows he might be thinking youway much better woman for him. For what is worth, as has been said here today take time to explore you; trave, read books, join mixes if you have them in your city and or volunteer. Here is a a quote that might be appropriate for this discussion. " Today I ask of you, don't be afraid to try new things. Remember amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic.
At first I was not going to answer because everyone had amazing responses but I am going to go ahead and throw my penny into the wishing well.
Confused in the City: Your story was beautiful yet complex, which is a good thing. I agree with Chele and the rest of Bougieland about taking time out to discover yourself; I strongly believe this will give you a great sense of self worth and unbelievable confidence. As for Thomas, he is not the only man on earth. Like my mother and grandmother say " a million men to one woman" or something like that (LOL). Also, like someone said hot cocoa is not going to disappear; it's long lasting ( no pun). :) I wish you the best. :)
Today I ask of you, don't be afraid to try new things. Remember amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic. *LOVE this* and going directly out of Bougieland with it!!
Well, I'm late and I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. Great advice everyone!
Actions speak louder than words and his actions are saying NO. very, very loudly.
She has to be able to bear both verbal and non verbal rejection and make peace with it. Learn to move on without being told to.
In addition, I hope this lady doesn't have an unrealistic idea of what she needs to be before she can get into a relationship?.
I wish I could talk to her and let her know that a relationship is about companionship and she really would do well with having a few mild adventures instead of looking for 'the one' immediately.
She would do well with some playful practise...
C Nelson... I don't think you are hearing us.
He still said NO.
Going out of his way to not say the actual words, leaving her hanging, 2 years of friendship that doesn't move beyond that = No NO NO.
He is saying it non-verbally, because he is being a very smart dude and this woman is nicely in his 'if I don't find anyone else' pocket. Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. But, he has said NO. She is simply not hearing him
Thanks for some quality points there. I am kind of new to online , so I printed this off to put in my file, any better way to go about keeping track of it then printing?
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