In yesterday's innocent post about Scrabble, we talked about a girlfriend of mine (we'll call her Jackie) who was anxious for all of us to meet Her New Man. He did not impress.
But many readers felt I smoothed over another (perhaps bigger) issue. What did Jackie see in HNM and why did she feel the need for her crew's opinion? She's attractive and accomplished but still feels the need to 1) Seek out approval for her choices and 2) Ego Stroke a dude for cocoa. Okay, he was attractive to look at and according to him, quite the upwardly mobile professional.
I had people emailing, tweeting and texting me in outrage over Jackie. So when she called me today to chat, I took the opportunity to ask, "What's the deal with HNM?"
She said, "Yes, I've heard from all of you guys now, you didn't like him. You just didn't see him in his best light. He's really smart and fun. He adores me."
Reading between the lines I asked (delicately) about his cocoa game thinking that must be the reason she is putting up with the other stuff. Apparently he is stirring it the right way. [BnB does not endorse the staying with folks just for cocoa's sake. Kthxbi. ~The Management] "But Jackie, he's kind of possessive and controlling. That worries me a little."
"He's just a strong personality."
"So strong that you wanted me to throw a Scrabble game? You felt the need to applaud three and four letter words?"
"He's at his best when you pump him up a little. A man wants to feel like his woman is in his corner."
"No doubt, but it didn't seem like that was what was going on there."
"I just want him to feel cherished around me. All the time."
Sounded exhausting to me. "Jackie, come on now. That doesn't even sound like you."
"You don't understand, you have hot and cold running men on tap."
**crickets** Color Chele unamused. "That is categorically untrue. And more than a little offensive. And did I mention UNTRUE?" Six deep breaths later, "AND... not the point. I don't think you (or any woman) needs to be with a man that makes her change who she is at the core."
"He loves me for me." Jackie said.
"He loves you? All the time or just when you do and say and act like he likes?"
"You don't know him like I do."
Silently, I think 'Thank God for that' but I said, "Admittedly. So make me understand. Really. If you feel this strongly, maybe I'm missing something."
"He may have his flaws but he's here for me. He's really, really into me."
"Yeah, I still don't get it."
We went round and a round a few more times before she got uberdefensive. She angrily said that she loved him and he loved her and we just couldn't "get to their level" before she hustled off the phone.
Okay then. For me that told me everything I needed to know. First of all, she's only known HNM for a little over a month - she loves him? He loves her? For real tho? From the outside looking in, she is successful, attractive and vibrant. From a little closer in, she's a little needy, insecure and lonely. Not necessarily huge flaws but rolled into this scenario, it just equals thirsty.
To me it appears that she has decided that old boy is the 3:10 to Yuma (otherwise known as the last train outta Dodge) and she is determined to be on it. Come hell or high water. In the just under four hour period I spent with him, dude showed ten out of the twenty characteristics of a psychopath but she is determined that he is The One.
This depresses me on a number of levels. I vividly recall her last relationship. Absolutely great guy. Bright, funny, respectful, easy going, low drama, low maintenance - we all really liked him (which is why I suspect she wanted to see what we thought about this one). It lasted three years until she bailed with much drama because she was tired of waiting on the ring. (Never mind that he planned to ask her later that year and she didn't know. She gave him a today or never ultimatum and that was that.) Since that break-up, she's been on a quest to get somebody (dare I say anybody?) to put a ring on it.
That, my friends, is the definition of thirsty. To be so parched for the relationship that leads to the ring that you put up with all manner of shiggity. Including waving pom-poms when your man spells a word, orchestrating lame dinner parties and praying his mood stays up long enough for a chocolate swirl. Thirsty.
Lest you think I'm only bashing the girls, there are plenty of thirsty dudes out there as well - I just didn't encounter them over the weekend. They will no doubt have their moment in sun here on BougieLand sooner rather than later. But for today, let me ask you this - if Jackie is your friend, what do you say? And thoughts, comments, prayers? The floor is yours...