Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Reality Check: Sometimes it is your fault (sorry)

Reality Check Week, also known as Sometimes Life Ain't Fair Week, also known as Wake Up and Smell What's Cooking week. Today: Assigning Blame. Read and learn...

This one is tough for me. It stings a little (reads: hurts like hell) to look in the mirror and point a finger at your own damn self. Be that as it may, it must be done. Sometimes you simply have to accept responsibility for the role your decisions and actions have taken in your failures. Le Ouch, I know.

What is the problem? You are without funds? Not holding onto a job? Relationship not as it should be or non-existent? Beefing with friends? Not feeling well? Tired of being tired?

Before you blame it on the alcohol, the Tea Party, Black Men, Black Women, the mainstream media, your boss, global warming, the economy, President Obama, yo mama and daddy, your significant other, your friends or your children [cue Man in the Mirror, please]... go ahead and leave a little bit of that finger-pointing pie for yo'self. 

I am not married, I have no kids and there not any viable prospects on the horizon to get me there. Now sure, I could travel down the Boulevard of Broken Boyfriends Past and find some thing (several things) that lay the demise of those relationships elsewhere but at my size 8.5 purple clad feet. But in reality... I have to own up to things I clearly did wrong (not the least of which was picking out some of those dudes in first diggity-dang place) that ultimately felled the relationship. 

I have a relative that consistently stays broke. Earns a good living, has manageable expenses... steady broke. He is always running 'a little short.' And he keeps twenty good reasons why money seems to evaporate out of his pocket faster than a pair of Vicki's Secrets off Kat Stacks' hindparts. But even when he earned three times as much, he stayed broke. At what point do we own up do the fact that if you always spend more than you earn and you never save, you stay broke? 

I have an old friend that I stay in touch with quarterly. About once a season, we check in, say hey, catch up on each other's lives and keep it moving. She has a new job every time I talk to her. When I intimated that she is spinning faster than a contestant on Wheel of Fortune trying to get to the Bonus Round, she was upset. Sure, I could've put it nicer but facts is facts. If you are getting bounced from job to job, at some point it's not the job.

What do these three examples have in common? My point is tucked away in each of them. If you are consistently failing at something, the common denominator is you. I'm not dismissing how outside forces get in your way (Devil stays busy, Amen), I'm asking you to look at how you're getting in your way. 

Sometimes it's a case of not trying hard enough. Going down the wrong road to begin with. Continuing patterns of behavior that aren't helpful or healthy? Refusing to listen to the voice in your head screaming, "What part of the game is THIS?" There are plenty of ways to self-sabotage your success. Let's stop doing it. But let's first own that some of the hot-mess-ness surrounding us is our own damn fault. 

Have you ever tried to deep fry a turkey? [Stay with me] First rule is that it has to be defrosted. Second rule is that you really have to do it outdoors or in professional deep fryer sized proportionately. Third rule is that you have to monitor the progress. It also helps to use the right oil and understand the time and temperature for the size of the bird. Statistics blame over 4300 Thanksgiving fires on folks who chucked a 20-lb. frozen Butterball into the FryDaddy and hoped for the best. Several hundred crispy fried living rooms and pissy firefighters later it occurs to folks to get a little instruction first.

What the hell am I saying? Successful living takes preparation, proper steps and training too. Don't blame the Butterball. (Just in time for Thanksgiving I have compared your life to dead poultry, you're welcome.) 

Did I make any sense today? How long does it generally take for you to figure out that what you're doing isn't working? Do you ever sit down and evaluate just where you are? Or are you too busy living to take a step back and pick up on patterns? What advice do you give people what are stuck in a rut of their own making? And what's the best way to snap somebody out of it? Does anyone have a turkey deep-fryer?

You know how we do in BougieLand. Answer one, all or none. Contribute thoughts, comments, and insights below...

104 comments:

OSHH said...

Accountability yes, we have something in common, over 35, single, no kids, no prospects LOL.
I haven't always made the best decisions when it comes to men esp when I was younger, even in the last situation I had to own my part in dealing with that person TBW and the subsequent heartache.
You live ,you learn, you do better. Although we know the pickings is slim these days, I for one am determined to not repeat the same mishaps in judgement, mistakes etc.

Michele said...

True. True and True. I don't have a problem taking responsibility for my stuff. It took me a while to figure out that my way just wasn't working. I'm talking years but I finally get it. It's hard to counsel a person on such matters because most folks just have to figure it out for themselves. They can't travel my road, they have to travel their own road.

MidWestDominicana said...

What a wonderful post!

One of my regular practices is to examine myself and make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

My mother says that she has too much work to do on her own self to have time to point fingers at others.

If I am adequately looking at my own actions, behaviors, thought processes and projections, then I am better suited to handle situations that may not necessarily be in my control, therefore giving myself the best possible start to figuring out what lies ahead of me.

Accepting responsibility for my shortcomings and faults also gives me just the right amount of chastisement to fix it and do better.

I would rather figure out on my own that I need to "straighten up and fly right" than have someone else pointing out my faults.

1 Corinthians 11:31
For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.

2 Corinthians 13:5
Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves...

*steps out from behind pulpit*

Hidi said...

Did I make any sense today? Yes.

How long does it generally take for you to figure out that what you're doing isn't working? day(s) or month(s) later (LOL)

Do you ever sit down and evaluate just where you are? Yes, it's a process I rather skip (because of confusion) but it must be done.

What advice do you give people who are stuck in a rut of their own making? Spend a HUGE amount of time by yourself or at least an half hour

What's the best way to snap somebody out of it? When someone figures this out, please let me know.

Does anyone have a turkey deep-fryer? No but why attempt to fry the turkey whole. Usually, I bake my turkey but this Thanksgiving I will fy it; I am going to have my turkey chop into pieces then fried. :)

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

'Chele, you made a whole ton of sense. And i'm right there with you on telling folks (myself first and foremost) that I ma responsible for where/who/what I am.

For me, some things were very easy to figure out that I was doing wrong. Others took years. YEARS. But when I got tired of having the same conversations, feeling the same way, going through the same motions over and over again, I realized that there were three main patterns that I needed to break, and to just put on the grown and bougie undergarments and get it together.

I don't think you can snap anybody out of something they want (consciously or otherwise) to be in. All you can do is give them advice. I am fond of the questioning method: "What are you doing? Why do you think that is the best way? For the people who are/have what you want, are they doing the same thing as you? If you've done this all this time, and it hasn't netted the results you wanted, what concrete evidence do you have that it is going to give you different resluts?" All said calmly and in a maternal tone of voice while I try to tame the wicked side eye I can dispense in nanoseconds.

I don' have a turkey fryer. Thanksgiving is when I play up the fact that I'm a relatively skinny Northern gal faaaarrrr away from family, and won't somebody's grandma, big momma, madear please fix this po chile a plate? :-D I mean, I can cook dinner, but why do that when food is so plentiful at someone else's table? I just bring a bottle of wine (usually to the laughs of the less bougie) and reap the rewards of someone else's hard labor.

Penny said...

I can't wait to pull up the site shortly after I get to work every morning!! After singing (loudly) in car every morning-my day is set!! :) (And yes, I sound just a good as the artist singing the song. LOL)

Got to admit, it sometimes takes me longer than I would like to figure out what isn't working. However, eventually I get it, and try to make things better. I am a major advocate of putting in work to become a better person-not just for myself, but for the others around me (work, family, etc.) I am far from perfect, but I like to think that over the years I have gotten smarter and more knowledgeable and am in a better place to actually use that knowledge. That said, I still have "stuff" to work out and on-but I keep pushing.

One thing I have learned is that is not my job to try and fix other people. As painful as it may be for me to see someone close to me "in a rut of their own making," I can't get them out of the rut. They have to want to do that themselves. Now, if they ask for help, I will do everything I can to help them, but if they did not ask me for assistance, I have learned to keep my advice and my thoughts to myself. I have also learned that if they have asked for help, but aren't really willing to make a change, I need to bail. Grown folk got to be responsible for themselves!

CaliGirlED said...

OUCH!!! I'll be back in a minute, gotta go lick my wounds cause Chele whipped my a$$ this morning! *goes into a corner to re-group (and read the other comments hehehe)*

Kimistrytoo said...

You always make a lot of sense.

Here's the thing: Sometimes it is your fault, actually, most times is your fault, but I think that recognizing your role in it is the easy (or easier) part. Change is the hard part, because depending on how complicated the situation is, you have to posses the patience to see through the change. It is one thing to change your behavior to attract and keep a mate, or take the steps to change your career, but once you have done the work, you have to wait for the right opportunity to come along and that can take time. What do you do with that time? Unconsciously make the same tired choices to keep your head above water? I think people lose their way in this time gap.

You can realize that you picked the wrong path, but a different path may not be available to you. The "preparation, proper steps and training too" doesn't mean that your life is going to change overnight. It takes the discipline to stick with the new plan eventhough relief isn't always immediate.

blackprofessor said...

Good job and yes, we need to look in the mirror a lot of times as we are the only common denominator in our lives!

Chele, I have a demographic profile similar to yours! My over-analytical self (hey, I am a psychologist) has caused me to prematurely bail in situations involving men that didn't feel comfortable. In some situations, the response was appropriate but in hindsight, sometimes I did give up too soon. When someone first told me that, I was aghast but now I see the truth in it. I am working on it and is isn't pretty or easy, but change never is. In addition to introspection, seeing a therapist has been one of the best things I could have ever done for myself!

Sidenote - I am pissed at Dancing With The Stars. There is no way on God's green earth that Brandy was voted off for Bristol Palin!! Bristol's mama must have had folks calling or something but there is no way. Rant over.

GrownAzzMan said...

'Don't blame the Butterball. (Just in time for Thanksgiving I have compared your life to dead poultry, you're welcome.)"

The Chele analogy is the magic that keeps us coming back for more...LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Awesome post! You definitely made a lot of sense today Chele. And having realized what my faults have been throughout my failures (relationships, finances, overall happiness), my biggest thing right now is not regretting it all, taking notes, and not repeating the same mistakes. I am also trying to impart some of this to my daughter, but of course some mistakes she will have to make on her own, because that's part of living. Hopefully it won't take her as long to figure it all out.

Had an ex once say to me (ok my babydaddy), "So I guess you're going to blame me to for ruining your life?" My response, "I never gave you the power to ruin my life. Yeah you dogged me, but I allowed you to do it." Problem is that I continued this pattern of being with the wrong guy and in a case or two, staying with Mr. Can't Get Right! Yeah yeah I know, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Thanks Ms. Angelou! But it just wasn't that easy for me to walk away from someone I loved who swore they had seen the light and things would be different. I think I've got it now, years and years later after some unnecessary bullshiggity.

So I've never been married, have a teenage daughter and no prospects on the horizon. And I'm ok with that because I am in a much needed timeout. Does my head still turn when a "fione" brother passes my way? Of course! I'm not dead! Do I still wonder when Mr. Right is coming? Sure! But until he comes, I'm focusing on other aspects of my life instead of focusing on when he's coming.

To others in ruts, figure out how you got there and what you can do to get yourself out. Sometimes it's as simple as praying, arming yourself with knowledge (reading and learning about how not to get myself in a financial rut again), and being still until you can see clearly. Then you must make your move. NEVER just sit and wait, doing nothing! If you stay ready, you don't have to get ready! Lack of preparation, planning and learning is usually how we get into our ruts in the first place.

CaliGirlED said...

*ahem* Tea Party...I don't even watch the show and I knew that Bristol was going to win over Brandy.

Sarah said...

It was around age 30 when I started questioning. I still am. Sometimes it takes me a long time to figure things out. For example, it was only in the last two years between the experience of the last boyfriend and a terribly unhappy conversation with my Dad that I realized that some people interpret the fact that I'm quiet and kind to mean that I'm weak. My own father appears to think this no less. And then looking back over the years, I can see how it explains some other puzzling events. In this case, I don't want to change, but I do have to take this into account when figuring out how to deal with people. Personally, I haven't had any success in trying to get others to see their self-destructive behavior let alone stop it.

You deep fry a turkey? I had heard rumors that they deep fry everything in the south, but I had no idea that included a turkey. :-)

ConvertingMe said...

I believe the old Chinese proverb is "Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way & expecting a different outcome" or something like that...

Life is about learning lessons and god has a sense of humor. He will keep putting you in the same situation until You learn the lesson.

Self examination is hard because who wants to admit that "me/myself/I" am in the wrong? You said it exactly - this is why so many people go through the same gold plated shiggity laced Olympic style run through the sewers.

Donell Creech said...

::ala mama klump, hand clap and all:: cali-girl! cali-girl! cali-girl!

Mr. Skyywalker said...

You are straight slaying in the streets this month! But I took a shrapnel hot or two on this one. Mr. Skyy is stubborn and determined that he is right. So the same thing gets tried the same way thinking if I just try harder this time and enforce my will, it shall happen.

Yeah, I blamed the Butterball.

Great post!

Reecie said...

timely. I am harboring some slight anger towards someone that won't recognize their own fault in the way things are. but eh. they gonna figure it out soon enough. its not ALWAYS other people getting in the way of your success. as OSHH stated Accountability is a beautiful thing. stop pointing fingers at others.

Lady4Real said...

I have someone in my life that I don't want to be anything like so I've been doing reality checks on myself ever since I can remember. I am usually the one always seeking out the opinions of others, what do they like about me? are they proud of me? am I an inspiration to them? It's just my thing. I lost my very best friend at the age of 19 and I've been to my fair share of funerals in my 27 years of living and I tend to think about what I want people to say at my funeral, will they grieve the lost of a caring, kind, loving, open and honest woman or will they say good riddens to an evil, egotistical, self-centered, rude, ignorant bitch? I choose to look in the mirror and say "Hey, don't be a bitch today. No one likes a meany." Truth is a hard pill to swallow but it is a good pill to take each and everyday. Denial is not just a river in Egypt and its a sad ass stream to see someone live in. Reality is not just a form of television, it is life and it is so much easier to live, when you 'keep it real'.

MidWestDominicana said...

P.S. Not from the South but have to admit that fried turkey is delicious!

JaymeC said...

Well this is so very evolved of you ;-) It takes people years to 1) recognize they might be doing something wrong 2) realize change must occur and 3)try to do something about it. And yes, it's one of those things that you can't tell anyone and have them really listen to you. Everyone needs their own "A-ha!" moment.

Brneyed1 said...

"The only constant in all of your "situations" is YOU." Yeah, I self-analyze on the regular, especially on my birthday. And I'm pretty good at spotting my growth areas. Not so good at making the (oftentimes) much needed changes in those growth areas (another growth area for me!).

I stopped giving advice after a "friend" of mine asked for some of my patented "brutal honesty" then set about cursing me out after I laid it down for her. She couldn't handle the truth...many folks can't. Nobody wants to hear that they are the root cause of all of their problems. Personal accountability has gone the way of the dinosaur.

And no, I do not own a turkey deep-fryer, but I have had deep fried turkey. Yu-um! My BFF's dad is a fireman and deep fries a turkey every year, no problems. The moistest, juiciest turkey I've ever had!!

Lady4Real said...

Some of us learn quicker than others. Some people learn through demonstration and lecture, some through reading and writing, and others through straight out hands on experience. I have 3 older brothers and a crazy mom, I became quite the observer trying to keep from getting the beatdowns that they got. I am also a writer, which I think makes me very observant, so I can see things sometimes that others can't see. I wonder how other's don't see or smell the shiggity right in front of them, but all of us have our rose colored glasses and clothes pins on our nose moments in life, we just have to not ignore the shiggity when the glasses and clothespin falls off. You have obviously learned from your mistakes in life and now you are teaching so many others. Go Cali! Go!

Joy Andrews said...

Le Ouch is right. Just last night I went to an event and it was Boulevard of Boyfriends Past. Standing there looking at the three of them, it was all crystal clear to me. I picked each of those guys. Almost carbon copies of each other in looks and manner. Time to break the mold.

Reecie said...

I havent lost many people in my life so far (29 years old) but I am a bit morbid at times and I think about what people would say at my funeral as well. good comment.

derek love said...

I lowkey wanna quit you for this sentence alone: why money seems to evaporate out of his pocket faster than a pair of Vicki's Secrets off Kat Stacks' hindparts

Suzie S said...

*stands up*
Hi, my name is Suzie and I am a member of the 'stay broke' tribe.
Finally broke down and took your advice about mint.com.
Set up a budget and am able to track all my spending at a glance.
Now I just need to turn the corner on not spending my last dime just because something is "cute"
I'm a work in progress.

OneChele said...

Yes indeed: Live, love, laugh, LEARN!

OneChele said...

Sometimes it takes years! Especially when years just fly by like this one has.

OneChele said...

Amen.
*passing offering plate*

OneChele said...

Let me know how the turkey turns out!

OneChele said...

LOL - Being the primary cook in my family, I only spent one Thanksgiving where I didn't spend the day slaving in the kitchen but I would love to show up at someone else's house with a bottle of wine and some tupperware ;-)

OneChele said...

Sang, girl!
It's hard not to try to fix someone when you (on the outside) can so easily see the fix.

OneChele said...

Straight no chaser!

OneChele said...

So very true! Thank you for adding that point, it takes a while to steer the Titanic and you STILL may hit the iceberg.

Mykeia said...

Great post today, and all of this week.

This post is my housemate up and down all day! She is the president of the stay broke club, which is why she is renting a room from me. (So much more to this.)

I just have to say thank you for info about the deep fryers, le sigh. Just had this conversation with the spouse and housemate and they did not believe me and my stats about the fires this time of year. (The deep fried turkey is a little overrated--no shade.)

OneChele said...

I can't with anyone named Palin.
Yes, bailing early is a tough one for me. After you've been dating for a while, you get to the point where you recognize signs of train wreck and all you want to do is get out the way. But who knows, you might have read the signs wrong or been able to maneuver around. Hindsight indeed.

OneChele said...

I do try. ;-)

OneChele said...

Girl, these folks have a recipe for deep fried butter. I wish I was joking but I'm not.

OneChele said...

Not gold-plated AND shiggity-laced?! LOL!

OneChele said...

They say admitting it is half the battle.

OneChele said...

Mint.com is the bomb. Keep it up!

OneChele said...

Ya likes?

OneChele said...

No shade, I've never made it. Had it in New York of all places, it was amazing. But I could see where someone could jack it up easily.

OneChele said...

Three in the same room at the same time? Eeek!

OneChele said...

Personal accountability has gone the way of the dinosaur. <~~ Preach.

OneChele said...

*curtsies*

OneChele said...

Indeed it is!

ConvertingMe said...

If I told you some of head meet wall moments I have witnessed...

BlackButterfly said...

Yeah I have always tried to pay attention and learn from experiences because I don't like repeating pain! Accountability is beautiful. Youth makes it hard sometimes because you think that you know everything when you really don't. But being over 35 as I am you mature (hopefully for most of us) and realize that we have to OWN our place in the mix that we help to create. I am much more reserved and reflective now and I take the time to think about my choices (without procrastinating) before making decisions whether it is with my child, my finances or my time!

Carey Jackson said...

You made plenty of sense. I didn't necessarily want to hear it. :-/
New Year's Resolution time - Carey takes her head out of the sand.

CorettaJG said...

And there it is.

David Chase said...

Some days I so badly want to print your posts, Xerox them and tape the copies to folks front door. Today is one of those days.

rozb said...

I told my mom that watching DWTS is like watching the movie Titanic. You already know the outcome - the ship is going to collide with the iceberg and sink. Seeing this show will not change what will always be - a fake-A show that has no redeeming value and only uses up hours of your life you can never get back. I would rather watch Will Ferrell dance with the cowbell on SNL than watch Bristol on DWTS.

Monstadon said...

I agree with Mr. Chase. I hardly ever comment here, but this is prolly the realest post I have seen on this Blog, or any other, in quite some time. People need to accept responsibility. Until you do that, you can;t fix anything that's wrong. How ironic I see this when I just had this same conversation with someone today.

Kudos.

100.

rozb said...

I had to look at my habit of procrastination and how it created unnecessary drama in my life. I am not talking about "Oh my, I'm five minutes late getting to the movie" procrastination. I am talking about the "I meant to pay that but I keep forgetting about it" procrastination that has folks calling you from unidentified numbers just to catch you on the phone stuff. Now, mind you, I made sure I always paid back friends and family - that is why they still claim me as a friend or family. But I would get tired of the bill folks having all the fun, and me having none of the splurge.

I have rehabbed myself after the harsh assessment I gave to ME, and even though I still have a hard time with budgeting and stuff, I no longer have to dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge anyone. I still need tools like mint.com, which I will access from my laptop tonight (not a procrastination - I'm at work). I can no longer use the attitude of "I'm single and I can do whatever I want" because in the end, we all have a responsibility to somebody, whether you are pulling it in from a nine-to-five, or got your own cash flow going as an entrepreneur.

My money woes was my reality check, and I am still feeling the ouch from the speed knot I got from being irresponsible and immature with my stuff.

Next - conquer the fear of working out alone. Time to get fit and trim before 50 sneaks up on me and I'm stuck in a Hoverround at the Grand Canyon with an oxygen tank strapped to the back. I know I need to do it, and between work and school this has fallen away, and I lost my support system as well. Time to be my own. So I can have an avatar with my six-pack up in Bougieland...just sayin'.

William Martin said...

I feel like the villain in an old Batman show where you see "Pow! Bam! Oooo!" flash across the screen. This one hit me kind of hard. I rarely think "missteps" (can't even use the word failure) are my fault. There's always somebody or something else to blame.
You've had me doing a little too much thinking these past few weeks. Can we go back to talking about whack cocoa?

Evansaw said...

You guys have put many folks on the budget fast track today with your mention of Mint.com. Thanks.

baileyqc said...

Mirror, mirror on the wall is my least favorite game. And my issue is not knowing when to let things go. I tend to hang onto things (jobs, men, cars, hairstyles!) well past their sell-by date. Working on it.

MariSol said...

Yes sir.

MariSol said...

I'll bet it's delicious!

Donell Creech said...

::next time, im going to the grand canyon.:: thought i was the only person in the world that thought granma was heelarious in that commercial! ^5!

Hidi said...

Yeah. I will let you know.

rozb said...

Deep-fried turkey is AWESOME! However, as with bacon, chicken, and pork chops, use an apron and don't try to fry it naked. Just wanted to pass on that public service announcement.

thinklikeRiley said...

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over my music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1fx02MANo8

Jesse said...

Riley is that dude you rolls up into BougieLand and drops a Silkk da Shocker vid - HA!!

rozb said...

Back at ya!

Penny said...

I am so behind in entering my info on mint.com. (Holding up right hand in the testifying position) I promise to enter my old entries this weekend.

Thanks for the nudge Suzie S!!

The_A said...

Three things:

1. Ouch! I picked the wrong day to get back to Bougieland but I love this post.
2. The toughest thing I've ever had to learn was to look at my role in a situation and be willing to apologize even if the others were wrong and unrepentant.
3. And I say this in love: If your first thought as you read today's post was about others who should read it, and not about yourself, this post is actually about you.
*takes high security escort out of Bougieland*

maureen palmer said...

Wow..... thank u. Here is an african verb that sort mirrors what you just wrote. "you can out distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you."

I self-reflect a lot, but I have to say, I'm fighting procrastination tooth and nail. Work in progress.

Another a great post.

GammasWorld said...

As I mentioned in a tweet to Chele earlier ... LeDamn and LeOuch -- why you gotta put me in the series this week? I ain't done nothing (pouting) -- I prefer to work out my issues on my blog in my own time dang it. In all seriousness, I've got a post in "draft" mode for my blog (which is always personal) that's been hard to write as I've had to look at Gamma. Anyway, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT post! Thank you.

GammasWorld said...

Pretty sure I'm not supposed to like Riley as much as I do :)

nubianqueenbeez said...

Thank you for the reality check.
I noticed, not as many responses today, lol, but checking the person in the mirror is not a popular subject.
I am very opinionated and I always have a solution for someone else. I have found that many times people do not want to fix their problem, they just want you to cosign with their madness.
So I have stopped trying so hard to change other people, because I finally realized that I can't do it. If they don't want to change I have to either deal with them the way they are or let them go before their craziness drives me bonkers.
I have found it hard sometimes to follow my own advice, but as I get closer to 50, I have really been trying to take some time to myself and just be quiet, and really think about 'what do I want out of the rest of my life and what is the game plan to get me there?' I am finally back in school working on my master's degree. Putting plans into action!
I do have a turkey fryer in my garage somewhere. Several years ago my husband(now ex) at the time used it to fry a turkey, and it was good. But that peanut oil is expensive. I'm too scared to try it myself. I have a smoker and I have smoked more than a few turkeys-they are really good.

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks Lady!

CaliGirlED said...

Why are you so retarded? LOL

Thanks!

CaliGirlED said...

Fried turkey is good, if the cook knows what they're doing. And smoked turkey is good too. One trick is injecting them with flavor and letting them marinate. Um um good!

CaliGirlED said...

They stole it from G.I. Joe!

CaliGirlED said...

So it was my damn stubbornness that had me trippin?!! Oh ok!

CaliGirlED said...

Let go of that anger Reecie, it'll eat you up while that person is happy being effed up!

CaliGirlED said...

27?!! Girl stop lying! You must have grown up around people that were quite a bit older than you. Your comment was real talk!

Candace M Chatman said...

So, what I hear you saying is that "Life is like an deep frying a turkey....you don't read the instructions, you'll burn your house down." Am I getting that? LOVE IT.

People, stop doing the same thing over and over again and thinking things will change. That's insane. Totally insane. Seriously- its the definition of insane.

OneChele said...

Exactly!

Donell Creech said...

i mussa drunk outta the same glass as rozb. or sumn.

Ms. Jay said...

Sidenote : have you tried a smoked turkey ? Yum

Ms. Jay said...

You know , you would be surprised about what people say about you. At a recent party my mom threw for me , all the guests ( except for my sperm donor .... ) got up and said amazing things about me. It was so awesome that all these people had nothing but nice things to say - I actually wound up in tears. The first step to making a change is to know what needs to be changed. I agree , life is so much easier when you dont have to front.

rozb said...

The stuff in the glass is good, though. I'm just sayin'...

C Nelson said...

Oh God. Thank you -- I think. This stings because I am currently doing something that I know will end badly, because it has ended badly every other dang time I've tried it -- about once per decade. But because I am in a tight spot and under pressure from a bunch of people who don't understand just how badly it will end, I'm doing it anyway.

I have no backbone when it comes to my family. They walk right over me, every time, unless I put enough physical distance between us that it's inconvenient for them to call on me. Witness: I let my sister come stay when she had a fight with my brother. She brought her man into my house and stirred the cocoa with her two-year-old (not his, but hers) right beside them in the same bed. I was completely horrified. My mother has been known to walk into my house, pick my mail up off my table, and open it like it's hers. I'm over 30, mind you -- been a long time since she was entitled to monitor my dealings. And anytime I get a phone call from a family member, I know it's a request for money. *Every* time. I've been flat-out relieved to be laid off so I don't have to feel guilty about saying no.

But things are tight. So what am I doing? I'm moving into the house I helped them buy, where they all live. Knowing perfectly well I'm going to want to kill somebody inside of a week, and that I'm still going to cave, and cave, and seethe, and simmer, because when it comes down to it, *I hate open conflict worse than I hate being taken advantage of.* I'd sell off my belongings and head for a shelter instead, if my fiance wouldn't throw ten kinds of fit. (He's overseas and can't help -- and I've already broached the subject, so I know.) But if I wasn't so conflict-averse -- pronounced "spineless" -- in the first place, I'd've done something before now that would have made them treat me differently or severed ties, right? So that's my own long, long set of contributions to this mess, and there's not much to do now but to ride it out and "run away from home" again the minute I'm able or can't take it anymore. I have, at least, had lots of practice at that.

GammasWorld said...

Good luck darlin

CaliGirlED said...

Why yall holding back?!! I thought we were cyber-homegirls Roz! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

"Not so good at making the (oftentimes) much needed changes in those growth areas (another growth area for me!)."...That's good!

CaliGirlED said...

"...I'm stuck in a Hoverround at the Grand Canyon with an oxygen tank strapped to the back."...All I can do is shake my head. I'm too tired to be laughing at you!!!

As for working out alone, DO IT! That.is.all.

CaliGirlED said...

I used to love those Batman shows!

Yeah go find you a corner and lick your wounds. Don't worry you're not the only casualty today. And if we're going to talk about cocoa, why can't it be the good stuff? LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Shall we start a support group? I've gotten much better though, let go of the last one real quick. I thought he could possibly be the one until I realized that I wasn't the one, or the two or three for all I know.

CaliGirlED said...

You know what...

CaliGirlED said...

Love it!

OneChele said...

I feel you. Believe me. Pick up yoga and other meditative skills and as soon as you can run far, far away.

CaliGirlED said...

I like that proverb. Gonna marinate on that one!

CaliGirlED said...

"I have found that many times people do not want to fix their problem, they just want you to cosign with their madness." This.right.here.

C Nelson said...

I don't know about yoga, but I definitely see many long walks in my future. ;)

C Nelson said...

Thank you. :)

CaliGirlED said...

Wow C I'm speechless. I'll say a prayer for you.

Only the Tall said...

What it ALL comes down to is this: You are where you are in life because of the choices YOU'VE made. Sit with that and please let in soak in. Your successes and failures in life, in relationships, work, every area of your life are of your own doing, your own decisions put you exactly in the seat you're sitting in now. Most people are suck their teeth at this, because they know it's true and a hit dog always barks. If you like where you are and who you're with then bravo! You are someone that can make good, sound decisions, if it is not the case then you need to correct that. You can't change your boss, your man, your husband, kids, ...you can only change you. Start there. Yeah, it can be trying but d$mn it's worth it. Working on some areas of my life, and am finding out, it's not that hard once the decision was made to be the best me at all times, I know I can be. The thing that I have to work on in being consistent and persistant with my goal of starting my own business. Peace to all.

BrendaKay said...

Seriously OneChele, it's time to put up a health warning on your page...

I read these two lines ~ "Statistics blame over 4300 Thanksgiving fires on folks who chucked a 20-lb. frozen Butterball into the FryDaddy and hoped for the best. Several hundred crispy fried living rooms and pissy firefighters later it occurs to folks to get a little instruction first.", and went into a laughing fit.

I love how you keep it point blank honest, but mix in a bit of humor to soften the blow.

sunt97 said...

I think we all want to find blame elsewhere for 100% of the bad things that happen to us, but 90% of time it is usually our own doing, we just are so stubborn that we can't see outside those rose colored glasses. I got you girl, you made complete sense to me. There are times that I step back from everything and everyone and evaluate my life, where it's going and how it's affecting those around me (I got 3 boys, so I have to keep them in with everything I do). After a few days of crying and self loathing I get back on track, funny thing I end repeating this every year. That's not good.
And for the deep fried turkey, my uncle cooks 2 every year for Thanksgiving with no mishaps.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

C Nelson said...

Thanks! I appreciate it. I have a feeling I'll need every single one I can get.

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