Monday, November 15, 2010

Reality Check: "Marriage Material" is subjective

Reality Check Week, also known as Sometimes Life Ain't Fair Week, also known as Wake Up and Smell What's Cooking week. Today: Marriage Material. Read and learn...

Since the age of 19, people have been telling me that I'm "marriage material", "a good woman", "the kind of woman to take home to Mom". Since I'm still single over the age of 35 - I call bullshiggity on the entire notion.

Today's rant is inspired by some disillusioned single people that I absolutely must set straight. Here it go: Now matter how eligible you believe yourself to be, Ladies AND Gentlemen, you still may not get your "happily ever after."

Ladies, let me start with you. You know I'm Team Sisterhood. So please don't read this as a swipe against girl power. But I've read a few too many posts lately with degreed, thin, church-going women trying to figure out why Prince Charming choose someone else. And I mean some of these ladies were hornswoggled and befuddled as to why they, in all their gloriousness, were not in that Number One spot. The most simplistic answer: It bes that way sometimes. Yeah, I said, "It bes."

In one post, the girl was confused because her friend's ex married a plus-sized girl. Commenters assumed that the larger girl was 1) a rebound 2) just in the right place at the right time 3) a doormat he could order around 4) a myriad of other insulting unfounded speculations. How about they clicked? How about she had a pleasing personality? How about he thought she was gorgeous no matter the size? How about she laughed at his jokes? How about something in her spirit called out to his? 

Wake up ladies, a size 4 body, kitchen and bedroom skills, perfect hair and makeup, fierce shoes, to-die-for outfits, prestigious degree, upwardly mobile job, blingy car and stacks of cash at the end of the day... If it's not the guy that's truly meant for you? Nets you zero. Nada. Zippy-do-da. Stop assuming that the perfect outer shell of a life is guaranteed to bag you Preston or even Pookie for that matter. Preston may want Peaches. He may want Peggy Sue with a little more bounce to the ounce. Who's to say? Point blank, the heart wants what the heart wants. Quit hating if it's not you.

Fellas, first of all. I love y'all. You know I do. I'm saying this with the L-O-V-E: stop believing the press releases. You are not the Holy Grail. Yeah, yeah - you're nice, you have a job, a place of your own, a degree, a career path, a car you can pay for, conversational skills and they call you King Cocoa... all of this gets you nowhere with a girl who just isn't feeling you.

Oh and that assumption that the reason you didn't pull Priscilla was that she was too full of herself? Then you got mad when you saw her with Peter who (in your mind) isn't half the man you are... hmm. Karmic bounceback from that whole "ladies, stay in your lane" attitude? Like you're so special, a regular chick can't step to you? That "regular chick" might have been the best thing you never knew. 

May the Lord bless and keep some of y'all with egos twice the size of a chicken-fried steak platter in Texas... it's not that crucial. Sure there are some thirsty chicks out there craving you like you are the last lobster roll on the seafood buffet but ur, uh... some of us have been to this restaurant before. 

This is why getting married and staying married is so difficult and not a guarantee... finding the person who gets you and loves you and is willing to stick with you when you mad, glad, sad, and bad is like searching for a needle in a haystack.

I would like to respectfully request that folks get over themselves a little bit. Discover a little thing called humility and stop worrying about what you think you deserve. BougieLand, pardon my rant. My point is that what makes one person eminently eligible for Person A is vastly different for Person B. It's a bit presumptuous to assume that we can define that for anyone else. It's hard enough defining it for ourselves. Here endeth the rant.

So instead of getting everybody to rant with me today, let me ask you this: What three qualities or traits do (or did) you really need to have in the person you consider to be "marriage material"? Yes, just your top three. And why those three? 

160 comments:

Sarah said...

This may sound odd, but I never put much thought into the marriage material concept. My three favorite things in people generally would probably be kindness, genuineness, and warmth.

I like the new look of your blog. It made me think of the movie with the title something like "if you build it, they will come" because you keep mentioning that you want less drama and the first word I see down the side of the screen over and over again is "peace" :-)

Javalicious said...

First - Love the new design. Keeping it fresh round here. Second - Ooowee. A little heat coming off this one! Finally, let me answer the question.
Gotta have 1) Someone who loves me for me 2) Genuine and honest 3) Makes me laugh

HauteLikeMe said...

Peggy Sue? Bounce to the ounce? Karmic Bounceback? Chicken-fried steak platter? You are knocking it out the park. Okay top 3 must haves - too simple to say Love, Respect, Honesty?

michaeldavis said...

Spontaneity - nothing breeds boredom like predictability (this goes for more than sex!). A woman that can spice things up in different ways and come up with ideas on her own can go a long way with me. Of course, I don't mean the crazy type where you do a Kanye "Im'ma let you finish" if I don't win the award/election/etc. Just let it go and do a polite "that's alright baby she's singing for the church (even though they can't sing a lick)" clap that sometimes happens on Sundays and Wednesdays.

Intellectuality Stimulating - when the brain goes to sleep, the body does as well.

Being Supportive - sometimes life does not go as expected and exactly like you wrote in your dream book when you were in 11th grade. If the man is still pushing and a good dude, ride it out with him. The pot of gold (not just money, but whatever you're seeking) may really be at the end of the rainbow. It may just take longer to get to it than you planned.

And I have others! But I'm trying to reduce the amount of weekly side-eyes I get from Michele and play by the rules.

Jeannette said...

Good post.....3 qualities i think that a guy needs to have to be MM: 1) He has to be done with the nightlife and the "need" to be around his boys all the damn time 2) A sense of humor..has to make me laugh 3) Believes in Jesus ..... of course there's more to my list but those are non-negotiables...

Mr. Skyywalker said...

How did you know they call me King Cocoa? LMAO!
My list
1. Attractive to me -physically, spiritually, mentally
2. An aversion to drama
3. Totally into me (dedicated to Team Skyy)
Hard to only list three but those are the most crucial

baileyqc said...

Generosity of spirit
Intelligence
God-fearing

Sounds kinda saintly, huh? But top 3 gotta haves - yes.

ConvertingMe said...

I totally agree with you the heart wants what the heart wants. The "Perfect Catch" mentality is a manufactured, to give people an ideal to strive for and is never what ultimately attracts your mate to you in the end.

Similar to your dad, my Grandmother had picked out my future husband from our births - within months of each other. We were in the same gifted and talented classes all through school, both children from rural farm areas, both from "good" families, etc.

That same guy who I've know All of my life is a GREAT catch or "marriage material".

For someone else.

He is a doctor, breeds quarter horses, loves people, is witty, honest, reliable, church going, (insert 20 other qualifications here).

Problem, we are and have always been more like brother and sister. The thought of kissing and/or being intimate with him blanks my mind out. (White screen of death. No compute.)

I said all of that to say: Attraction is not always about the outer trappings (degree, church membership, physical looks) it is about the bond and chemistry two people forge with one another.

BB Waite said...

First three things I fell in love with about Mr. Waite
1) He listened to me like I was saying the most interesting thing he'd ever heard
2) He walked in faith (didn't just talk it)
3) He made me a priority and let it be known and felt

YardieChicie said...

Straight off the top of my head: 1) Love 2) Respect 3) Honesty. If this were my design class, each of those categories would be in the centre of their own mind-map with sub-sections branching off. As to why I selected those as my top three, it's simple: they're the opposite of my father's traits. Nuff said.

LikeLena said...

Maturity
Creativity (yes, cocoa too)
Ability to communicate

Liselle said...

Love, Respect, Fidelity

michaeldavis said...

On another note, I have to raise a glass to this post. Too many quotable phrases to mention in here. But egos "twice the size of a chicken-fried steak platter in Texas?" I'm.Done.

FreeBlackMan said...

I'm in a different mindset right now so I'm looking for free, fine and f*ckable. Don't judge me.

tiffanyinhouston said...

My husband is 1) consistent in his words and actions 2) is a man of faith 3) loved me in the package I came in.

There are more of course but those are the three that come to mind at first.

Thanks, Chele..you handled this with a much more deft and capable hand than I would have. That's why you get paid to write for a living. LOL!!

jake said...

She got me with the Holy Grail. RIP Jake.

jake said...

If a girl is good-natured (love the smiles), great communicator (please talk to me), and has that smart/sexy/sparkly personality - I'm all in. I'm such a sucker for witty.

Michele said...

I've been married and divorced. Twice. So I believe I have a pretty good handle on what is important and what is not.

My marriage material guy will be: secure, faithful and responsible.

He has to be secure because I don't specialize in the ego-stroke.
He has to be faithful because I don't (knowingly) share.
He has to be responsible because I am and I expect nothing less.

JustPassingBy said...

Peace. Love. Bouge? LOL, get it!
My three things: Great mind, great sense of humor, great love of me for me.

Leon X said...

First of all I will say you sent my head spinning with all the name alliterations. Seeing as I'm the over-40-single what's-wrong-with-you guy I will refrain from posting any qualities.

MariSol said...

A man who knows his own mind, speaks it, and follows through. I will take one of those, please and thank you.

Sweet N Tart said...

Ditto.

rochee said...

Loving, Caring, Honest

Sweet N Tart said...

Kinda judging. LOL! Do you.

Sweet N Tart said...

King Cocoa!

Shondriette D Kelley said...

I need a man who has a continually growing relationship with Christ, is an effective communicator and makes me laugh.

Penny said...

1. Kind (not just to me, but others as well)
2. Generous and loving spirit (generosity should not only be measured in material things.)
3. Responsible (to me and for me. I, in turn am responsible to him and for him.)

As you indicated, staying married is not easy. Current individual financial circumstances are no concrete guarantee of future financial circumstances. We all know that financial instability can take you under, and then some. In addition, over the course of a marriage, all kinds of challenges can arise-health challenges, family issues (yours and/or his/hers), employment crises, etc. IMO, if you have the qualities I listed (not my complete list, but you said to stick to 3) you have the foundation to be able to work together to overcome whatever challenges that life may throw your way. Those are just the foundation-there are many other things that will be needed (patience, perseverance, tolerance, ability to compromise, etc.-is this cheating Chele?) to sustain you and your spouse through a marriage. As a rule, cute ain't forever.

YardieChicie said...

Now I want to see what a chicken fried streak platter in Texas looks like.

MelaninEnriched said...

I agree with this ENTIRE post! Great one, Chele!

My 3 qualities to consider a guy MM:

1) Honest communication- if a person can't trust me enough to communicate with me honestly and openly so that we can resolve things and be on the same page, iCan't. There's no basis for a solid relationship without honest communication. That of course, is based on trust which would already have to be a necessity for this quality to work.

2) Compatibility- This is HUGE for me. It encompasses the sense of humor and the other little things that I would normally enumerate. Sometimes love is not enough; there also must be compatibility as well. If you don't "get" each other and appreciate the similarities AND differences, it's no good.

3)Generous-I don't like a man who's not generous. Generosity not only from a financial aspect, but also with time, patience, etc.---the intangibles. If a man is a high six-figure earner, but is stingy as heck, what good is that? If the guy is a hard worker, but always at work and doesn't make time for the relationship, how can the relationship be healthy? Patience---the same. I have very little, so I need that positive in another person to balance me out at times. It's a known flaw that I work on, but I have done best in relationships with men who are patient. They enable me to strive to be more patient as well.

A few other things I consider non-negotiables anyway, so I didn't feel the need to include it. Being God-fearing is one of those.

Donell Creech said...

^ what he had said. i certainly have my list....wassat you ask?...hows that workin for me? not so much...yet.

::brotha man head nod and fist bump to leon:: this seat available playboy?

Brneyed1 said...

My top 3 "marriage material" criteria, in no particular order:

1. The ability to be about it, not just talk about it (whatever IT is)
2. The ability to shut the eff up and listen when I need to be heard
3. The ability to be my strength when mine has faded

ASmith said...

1. Humor
Life's a (expletive) but it can also be really beautiful and a lot of times the difference is seeing the humor. I can't with someone who can't laugh sometimes. I'll get on his nerves.

2. Ambition
It's actually hard for me to conceptualize this in one word. It's not about being rich or making money or having a good job (which is what most people mean when they say "ambition") it's about always wanting to be about something, into something, doing something. Doing your part to make this place better for the next generation. Setting goals and working every day to achieve them.

3. Values
A person with values knows a lot about themselves. Knowing what you value means knowing what you believe, means being in tune with your "star player" and what matters most to him/her. It requires a lot of self-reflection and I'll about some self-reflection.

aishao1122 said...

He gets me, beyond that it's all negotiable, if you can really LISTEN to me and hear what I'm truly saying then everything is icing on the cake. As they say in Avatar (yes i went there) I SEE you. I want a person who sees not just the outer trappings but the soul within, and not just sees it but hears it I want the soul in the person to recognize ME. Once that is there, that connection that nothing can fake or be bought??? I'll go above, beyond and through anyone, anything and anywhere with you.

Cocoa game is on point. I don't mean you have to be King of all Cocoa game, you just have to be King of MY cocoa game O_O lol, talk to me, know ME not what some magazine, your boys, or tv told you what a woman wants, but ask me, learn from watching, pay attention, for me little things count more than grand gestures, keep the flowers, everybody gets roses, remember that I love carnations and what they stand for, bring me seeds for my garden or some new tool, make me happy in other places and there will be very few things we can't try at least once.

Be my haven, when everyone and everything in the world seems to want to take me down, be the rock that I can seek shelter from the storm, Know that I am also here for you, share with me your stresses, fears, need and wants, know that your secrets are safe, never doubt me. And I will stand in your corner all day everyday.
I know you said three but faith makes all the others possible, no faith, no love for someone or somthing greater than you?? No bueno.
Good topic thanks for sharing
BB

aishao1122 said...

"As a rule, cute ain't forever." ain't that the truth

aishao1122 said...

lmao at least you know, just don't forget to let them know

Glim Glam Girl said...

He must be:
1. Loyal - must enjoy, respect, and depend upon our partnership; while appreciating and thriving upon our individualism.
2. Responsible - must be willing and able to provide for and protect his household.
3. In Love with ME - must possess a secure and special place in his heart that only I can touch.

CaliGirlED said...

Before the rainbow is a storm. Some can't find that "pot of gold" because they can't weather the storm.

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah she killed it this morning!

CaliGirlED said...

Loved the post!

1) God-fearing - Can't submit to a man that won't submit to God. Doesn't make him perfect, but he's at least gotta have that relationship so that he's not just going to his boys for wrong answers or advice that could be detrimental to our family.

2) Compassionate - Towards hisself, me and others. If he is cold-hearted it will eventually be directed towards me.

3) Funny - I love to laugh! I need someone with a good sense of humor that I can laugh with, who can laugh at hisself cause he knows he's not perfect, but who also takes life serious when need be.

Good thing she only said 3, cause my #4 was going there. LOL

blackprofessor said...

Great post and loving the new design!
I would say:
1) Integrity - I have to be with a man who has self-respect and integrity, which means he will do the right thing whether anyone is looking or not.

2) Maturity - I have to be with a man who handles things like a mature man. That means no running, hiding, ducking or dodging when things get hot. A man who will handle me and everything that concerns us in a mature fasion.

3) Willingness to work through said issues - I think this is key for me! I have met guys and we were there but some issue came up, be it mine and/or theirs. I am talking about deep stuff, not just "He forgot to put the toilet seat down" but deep insecurties and fears that go back to childhood and they weren't willing to go there. It was too uncomfortable for them and they were like "Nada!" I really need a man who is vested in being the best person he can be and is willing to work on his issues to be that man.

Honorable mentions:
Compatibility
Security
Humility
Flexiblity
Dynamic personality
Willingness to grow

OneChele said...

Thank you Ms. Sarah.

OneChele said...

Trying to keep the love around BougieLand.

OneChele said...

Karmic bounceback is a favorite theory of mine.

OneChele said...

Me? Side-eyes? To you?
Only when you deserve them sir.
Someone has to keep you in line until you find Mrs. Davis. ;-)

OneChele said...

I like the idea of non-negotiables vs. "nice-to-haves"

OneChele said...

I knew it would be tricky to hold it to three, I'm devious that way.

OneChele said...

Not too saintly. You didn't ask him to turn water into wine. ;-)

OneChele said...

Amen! If I could bottle that chemistry and that bond and bottle it, I really would own an island called BougieLand.

OneChele said...

Ni-ice!

OneChele said...

Nuff said indeed. I heard somewhere that women either want to marry someone exactly like their father or the exact opposite. I don't know if that's true but thought it interesting.

OneChele said...

And if you put it together: Mature, creative cocoa communication you're onto something ggod!

OneChele said...

Short but sweet!

OneChele said...

*Clinks glass*

OneChele said...

Mrs. Tiffany is responsible for today's rant. She pointed me to some of the posts that had my blood boiling.

Yes ma'am, this is why I make the medium-sized bucks ;-)

OneChele said...

Someone told me intelligence is an aphrodisiac

OneChele said...

He has to be faithful because I don't (knowingly) share. <~~I had to lift up my coffee cup to this one.

OneChele said...

Love of you for you - alright then!

OneChele said...

Side-eye to you, sir for the non-answer.

OneChele said...

And a side-eye to you too.

OneChele said...

I like!

OneChele said...

Yes indeed.

OneChele said...

Yep, harder than it sounds. Sometimes folks will talk it and start to walk it and never get all the way there.

OneChele said...

Very well said.

OneChele said...

You really hit on something with the compatibility. Sometimes the love and the chemistry are there but you don't have that inherent "simpatico" to live and breathe next to that person for the next 30 years.

OneChele said...

Amen, amen and amen!

OneChele said...

Those honorable mentions are deep!

OneChele said...

He gets me <~~ That is everything.

sunt97 said...

Great post.

1. Humor- Humor is a big thing for me as I am a smiler and I love to do, so if you can keep one on me on the regular you have serious bonus points.

2. Ambition- I love someone to be about something to work for something to want to achieve something to desire something more.

3. Accountability- To recognize who you are and your place in this world.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

Rob said...

Smart, sexy, sensitive. Three big buckets that a lot of other things fall into.

Jesse said...

Gotta have the sense of humor, what Chele calls "the sizzle" and survival instincts (someone that can handle it when the going gets tough)

OneChele said...

Um-hmm, I started with 5 and decided to cut to 3. LOL!

OneChele said...

You've got a good Top Ten working there!

Beautifully Complex said...

The fact that everyone's list of desires on this post is so different, is proof of the truth of what you are saying. I mean, thin, professional, educated, financially secure, etc., truly are a dime a dozen these days , especially in major cities. If you are looking beyond something "superficial" then you understand that what intrigues many men is how a woman makes them "feel" and I don't mean physically. It's the intangible things that mean the most. The way you look at him, the way you talk to him, the way you listen to him, finding the same things funny. The way you understand him and support him. All that other stuff is just "extra gravy". What is so hard to understand about that. What brings two people together is not always visible to the naked eye. I wish all the "superficial surface people" would just join forces and stay out of the dating pool for those looking for something real that can stand through the storms of life. But the truth is, " the perfect match on paper" would become bored with each other quickly and would have wasted valuable time trying to figure out what "real" people already know.

William Martin said...

I see you Ms. Grant. By limiting the answers to most important three, you've made us rule out the physical. Because between beautiful and smart, fine and funny, cute or communicative - clearly I want smart, funny and communicative.

The last woman I dated was plus-sized. Beautiful, confident, sexy as hell, stylish and smart. I was extremely irritated when people said, "But you're a doctor, you can have anybody." Implying that she was somehow not a top tier lady. If I hadn't moved 1800 miles away and started working 24/7/365, we'd still be together. *pausing for mournful sigh*

Anyway, you are on point. It's not the packaging but the gift inside.

BlackButterfly said...

Great Post! My top three are kindness, humor and self respect.

Kindness of spirit is important to me in our interpersonal relationship as well as how he treats others. I like calm and drama-free focused individuals.

Humor (not the practical joker variety) is important because life is meant to be full of joy and laughter especially when life throws you a curve ball.

Self-Respect is HUGE to me because I firmly believe people that have true respect for themselves don't venture into the territory of disrespecting others and will hold it down when taking care of those important to them.

taut_7 said...

she has:

-to be a god fearing woman. i love God and i need someone who can walk on the path of righteousness with me.

-to be attractive (to me). she doesn't need to be a dime but i need to find her attractive (inside and out). it may sound shallow but i have to look at you and if i don't like what i see then we probably won't make it very far.

- be ambitious. i have a lot of goals in life and i've set the bar for myself very high. i don't need someone who is complacent. i need someone who always wants to better herself.

MidWestDominicana said...

"Aversion to drama" <<<<<-----YES SIR!

Lady4Real said...

What three qualities or traits do (or did) you really need to have in the person you consider to be "marriage material"? Yes, just your top three. And why those three?

I must first say, I am loving the new layout BougieCuz. Now on to the meat. 1.) Good listener 2.) Funny 3.) Provider. I need a listener because I am a talker and I've been through alot and it helps me to be able to talk to someone and be heard. I need him to be funny because I am a goofy goofy girl and a good laugh makes my heart happy. I need a provider because love don't pay the bills or fill my belly. I grew up with a father who never left us wanting for anything, we may not have had designer clothes or the newest toys but we always had what we needed and I believe that a man should take care of those he loves.

I'm glad to say that after 5 years in a marriage with a man that didn't have any of these things I am now married to a man that has these qualties and so much more. To some he is no Idris Alba, but he is my Tyrese, some men are angry that he got me but if they only knew the real me they would give him a medal of honor. We compliment one another, he is and has always been my very best friend, he brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him and I think that is the most important thing in a relationship, your mate should 'complete' you. I know it sounds corny but it is true, I am his rib and I love that we make each other whole.

CaliGirlED said...

"He has to be faithful because I don't (knowingly) share."...Ditto

CaliGirlED said...

"The ability to be my strength when mine has faded"...Love it!

Mykeia said...

My top three...
1. Had to make me laugh--because life is too short, laughter just helps.
2. Ambition--I needed to know that he had goals, I have goals and like to cross them off as they are achieved.
3. Excellent communicator/friend/no dv/mellow/smart--nuff said.

Sorry, the last one is a little long but I didn't know how to shorten it. The spouse as I call him is all of this and he keeps evolving as a person, friend and husband.

Like the new layout...again.

Carey Jackson said...

Well this makes me assess what I need as opposed to what I want. If I had to pick my top three?
Ability to love
Ability to learn
Ability to listen

CaliGirlED said...

You know you Bougienistas(tos) too well! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Wow Aisha, love it! "King of MY cocoa game"...This.right.here.

"He gets me, beyond that it's all negotiable, if you can really LISTEN to me and hear what I'm truly saying then everything is icing on the cake."...AMEN!!!

Lady4Real said...

I can get with the survival instincts, gotta be able to tuck and roll when necessary.

rozb said...

Hm. Let's see. My three things that are top of my list:

1. Smarts. Book smarts are relative. You can have all the knowledge in the world, and be extremely book smart, but if you can't cross the street alone, or think that you won the lottery in Nigeria because they so kindly sent you a nice email, then I just can't with you. Level of education can be completely wiped out if you lack common sense and street smarts.

2. Spiritually focused. Now - I am not saying you have to know the Bible, Torah, or Quran word-for-word, or smugly preach to everybody that you just loooooove Jesus, but you do have to demonstrate by deed. Be kind without letting everyone know that you gave a homeless person a Happy Meal, or telling folks how much you tithe. Love of God is translated to love of man. Help without being asked, Give kind words or a shoulder when somebody needs it, and also show love for family and loved ones as if you were loving the Lord himself. That doesn't mean put up with all manner of shiggity - just act human and know what true spiritual human agape love and understanding is.

3. Be a grown-A man. There's no crying in baseball. Or whining. Or bitching and moaning about stuff you have no control over. Handle your business. Deal with the people in your life definitely and with authority so that drama is kept to a minimum. Know that mixing it up in the cocoa isn't what will keep you around - it has its place (Lawd knows it does) but it isn't everything ultimately. And know that supporting me and my goals doesn't mean that yours are any less important - I will always support my man as long as the same respect is given. And know when to walk away with dignity and grace.

CaliGirlED said...

How about two dating pools? You know how they have at some facilities. The "kiddie pool" for those who just want to play and splash around. And the "olympic sized" pool, which can be sectioned off into two parts, one section for those who are seriously practicing but are not yet ready; and the section that is roped off for those who are perfecting their skills as they shoot for the real deal.

CaliGirlED said...

"If I hadn't moved 1800 miles away and started working 24/7/365, we'd still be together. *pausing for mournful sigh*"...Awww, I feel you.

thinklikeRiley said...

Imma let Uncle L do my talking for me today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdxlFcZjBvw

CaliGirlED said...

What, crickets? Oh no sir, name your three! Don't get speechless now!

CaliGirlED said...

"...gotta be able to tuck and roll when necessary." Yes indeed!

ConvertingMe said...

There's no crying in baseball. Or whining. Or bitching and moaning about stuff you have no control over. < Nuff said.

I had to leave a couple of guys by the way side because they didn't know how to suck it up and move on.

CaliGirlED said...

I see ya Roz!

1) "...but if you can't cross the street alone, or think that you won the lottery in Nigeria because they so kindly sent you a nice email, then I just can't with you....Nuff said!

2) Don't be pompous and boastful!

3) I can and will walk away from good cocoa, don't get it twisted!

Earthangel172 said...

Here's my list...

1. Christian background - He must have a personal relationship with Christ..this is non-negotiable
2. Intelligent - I need a mature, confident man I can learn from
3. Financially Stable – Salary is not important but he must have control of his finances

There are a few (2-3) more qualities but you only allowed us to name three.

Penny said...

I hear ya on No. 2. Nothing worse than a person who is always proclaiming how much they love the Lord, and 5 minutes later trying to run some game on somebody!! You can't do both.

Cherelle D. Mattox said...

I have been lurking on this blog for a while. You truly are a gifted writer. I look forward to reading your blog each morning before I go to school. I even have all my girlfriend's addicted to your blog now. To answer your question, here are my top three non-negotiables:

1. Personal relationship with Jesus Christ - as the old folks say, "you gotta know Jesus for yourself"
2. Makes me a priority and demonstrates that through his actions AND words
3. Good provider - You can be a white collar worker or a blue collar worker it doesnt matter to me. What does matter is that you are passionate about what you do.

Dr. Peppa said...

Principles
Personality
Passion

Lady4Real said...

Cali I agree girl, not just dating/ married relationships but life relationships in general, people tend to duck and cover when hail is busting you in the head, but they want to hold your hand when it's sunshiny and warm. I need the people in my life to bring me a umbrella and some hot chocolate when the weather gets dark and gloomy, because if you can stay in the boat when it gets rocky don't try to say 'hi' to me when I make it to shore.

OneChele said...

I love LL. That is all.

Ms. Jay said...

My list :
1) He needs to have Jesus in his life as his personal Savior. I need for him to be able to pray for me and pray over our household
2) He has to know how to communicate with me. Communication is a 2 way street. I dont want a marriage where the smallest thing has him wanting a divorce.
3) He has to be stable, financially and emotionally. I need for him to be able to pay the bills . Its not so much that I am looking for a man with millions of dollars , but I am looking for a man who is consistent in paying his bills. If you are consistent before the marriage, I believe you will be consistent during the marriage.

Other aspects on the list :
Honest and trustworthy
He has to be handsome to me , and I have to be beautiful to him
He has to be there ( my dad is a truck driver = never there = feelings of abandonment)
He has to be willing to grow
Intelligent, Funny
Gets me , not just the thickness that people see , but the real me

michaeldavis said...

I heard about that place. It's perfect, kind of like Zamunda except James Earl Jones' lionhead shawl would be banned.

michaeldavis said...

http://media.photobucket.com/image/chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes/cora-fricken-lee/chicken-fried-steak-huge.jpg?o=1

JaymeC said...

Great post!! Top three things I could do without

1) Strength - not just physical (though I'm not mad at Mr. C for the gym time), but mentally and spiritually strong. Strong enough to hang in when it's not all easy and fun

2) Open-minded - a willingness to listen, make it fun, explore, learn, grow and communicate!

3) The Zing - Chemistry is crucial.

None of these work without the others.

datdudeincali said...

Let's start with this:
Loves me and my daughter and isn't afraid to show it
Loves life and isn't afraid to work hard to have a good one
Loves her some Jesus but doesn't hit me over the head with it

Wrap that up in a brown-skin thick snack to go please.

derek love said...

Only Riley would come in BougieLand and play "Round the Way Girl" - BWAHAHA!

Scarlett D said...

Whew mercy! This post sounds a lil too much like truth!

Beautifully Complex said...

Great idea . Sounds like a perfect solution! LOL

bougiesis said...

I'm sure no one will mind if I just co-sign with Jayme, right... 'nuff said.

CorettaJG said...

1. Spiritually Mature in his relationship with Jesus Christ. This one takes care of a lot of other issues for me.

2. A good communicator. I like talking things out.

3. Ambitious/goal-oriented. Whatever the plan is, he needs to have one and be working toward it.

Grace said...

Yes, I was just reading this saying "Ouch" - direct hit!

MidWestDominicana said...

1) Goes without saying - Jesus is first - he has to be spiritually grounded and have a clear goal and vision to bring to the family - teamwork makes the dream work
2) He brings out the best in me and allows me to bring out his best. - He knows how to be loved
3) He is in it to win it - meaning, he gives 100% and encourages me to do the same

As everyone has already said, there are so many more qualities that could be listed, but what matters is that I continue to work on myself and love who I am while loving the husband God allowed me to have.

Not a fairytale romance, but perfect for me.

Grace said...

I mighta had to follow you. Just sayin'.

MidWestDominicana said...

Yes ma'am...I will TOTALLY agree with that.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I need a man who is kind. I need a man of excellent upstanding character. And I need a man that is smart - book smart, likes to read, kinda nerdy.

Kindness is essential because I want someone that is a good person and pushes me to be a good person. I don't want someone who is mostly ok, kinda nice, not-that-nice-but-not-a-thug... anht! I need a nice person. The character is self-explanatory: if you have no character, you aren't going to treat me the way I want to be treated. No matter your resume, you are not the man for the job. And I need a nerdy dude because I'm kinda nerdy. I've learned that people who aren't really don't get me, and they either react negatively to my nerdiness or flat out try to change me. No beuno.

MidWestDominicana said...

"What is that...velvet?!"

blackprofessor said...

I feel you on this one! May I ask why didn't you take her with you?

William Martin said...

At the risk of getting a BougieLand beatdown, she didn't want to move without the ring and I'm just starting residency. I'm not in a ring frame of mind yet.

OneChele said...

No beatdown, it makes sense. If you weren't ready, you weren't ready. Residency is no joke.

CaliGirlED said...

Don't make me get started up in here girl!!!...I have just bout emptied my boat, I'm sailin real light these days!

CaliGirlED said...

"James Earl Jones' lionhead shawl would be banned."...I quit you!!!

CaliGirlED said...

When his hours are down and his dollars are up, she may reconsider! IJS

Steve said...

I don't care what size a woman is if she carries herself well and has no self-esteem problems. So the first thing I want is confidence. You can even be a little arrogant, I'd rather work with that then having to pump you up all the time. Second, ride-or-die. I won't abuse the privilege but I need her to be down for whatever. Third, full disclosure once we're together. I don't have time to guess what you're thinking, feeling or doing when you're not with me. And I'm women could do with the mind games as well. Let's squash all that but keeping cards on the table and lines of communication open.

blackprofessor said...

No beatdown from me! If you have other things to think about, fine! I hope the lines of communication are still open in case someone (you, her) changes their mind!

Pure Choco said...

I'm not one to advocate following men but er, uh. My man? A future doctor? I'da had to think real long and hard about that one.

CaliGirlED said...

"Loves her some Jesus but doesn't hit me over the head with it."...OK, I so feel you on that one!

"Wrap that up in brown-skin thick snack pack to go please." *dead*

Pure Choco said...

Chele, would you have followed him?

Pure Choco said...

I like the part about ambition. If I'm willing to reach high, I'd like someone to stretch with me

CaliGirlED said...

My "like" button isn't working today! :-((

OneChele said...

Thank you for delurking and for the kind words! Great comment, thanks.

OneChele said...

No but I'm excellent at long distance relationships and I have frequent flier miles. :-)

Pure Choco said...

Good ones.

Pure Choco said...

though I'm not mad at Mr. C for the gym time <-- Get it, Jayme!

Pure Choco said...

LOL - not the thick snack!

Pure Choco said...

Amen! Who needs a fairytale? If you're happy more than you're sad, you win!

Pure Choco said...

Nerd chic for the win!

Donell Creech said...

::roooooooooooooowr! hopes cherelle d. mattox will be in the house in feb!::

Donell Creech said...

ur 'like' button needs a rest woman!

Foxy Brown said...

i hate that the new job blocks everything. i can't get to BnB til the end of the day.

my three: be comfortable with the scrutiny that comes with being wed to a minister, have passion for chosen career field, and respect me, where i come from, who i am, where i'm going, and who i may become.

reality check said...

Bull's eye on me today too. This gives me some food for thought and several reasons to stop spending my good time and energy worryin' and wonderin' "I'm cute. I'm smart. I'm funny. Why not me?"

snowlynx said...

The three most important things to me are these:
1) HONESTY. I'm going to say it again. HONESTY. Honesty with yourself, honesty with me. Tell me what you think, how you feel, how I make you feel. Don't eat your emotions because it's not "manly" to display them--I don't love you for "manliness", I love you for YOU. Part of the marriage vows that my husband and I took in secret before we were "legally" married before our families was that if a day comes when either of us realizes we no longer love the other, we will communicate that, and see if that's something that we can change. Better that than to let your heart and soul be eaten away with falsehood.

2) The ability to grow and change. I know that this means that we run the risk of growing apart...but if you're not growing, you're shrivelling and dying. On a small scale, this means being able to examine new evidence and change your mind/opinions. On a large scale, this means taking risks and having faith that I will be there to back you up, because I will, come hell or high water, even if I think you're in the wrong, I've got your back.

3) No fear of communication--in all its forms. When I first met my husband, he abhorred conflict about as much as a cat abhors a vacuum. It came from a fear that if he disagreed with people, they would decide they could find someone else who would agree with them and he'd be alone. I wanted to help him grow, and I also wanted to know what he was truly thinking and feeling. I used to pick little fights with him, to help him learn that I was not going to leave him simply becasue he argued. When the times came that he let me down in big ways, and I was furious with him, I still told him that I deserved better FROM HIM, and I was going to wait around to get it (so I'm not leaving!). It's a subset of honesty, but it's so important that it deserves its own number.

Hidi said...

What three qualities or traits do (or did) you really need to have in the person you consider to be "marriage material"? Why?

1. Jesus: he love us regardless of our ways
2. Confidence: it's addictive; it's another form of self-love
3. Humility: shows how human you are

By the way, I like you layout. :)

YardieChicie said...

O_O That's 2 days dinner right there!

CaliGirlED said...

Don't you dare! Come in Bougieland today squawkin like a chicken! Still waiting for your top 3! *ahem* Already know what one of them is *points to comment below, cough cough*...LOL

GammasWorld said...

Another great post -- Imma go with Honesty, Sense of Humor, Communication. That is all.

maureen palmer said...

*church*
1. communication
2.Honesty
3. Funny

Kiesha aka K. said...

Lurker checking in. My top three:

1. good character: treats people well, stand up guy that does the right thing
2. good communicator who is willing to open up
2. thoughtful

It became clear to me after the demise of my last relationship that these things are MUCHO IMPORTANTE for me to be happy in a relationship.

I've read similar blogs to the ones mentioned in the post and I just get a sense that the writer/writers are in pain...they've wanted something so much and for so long and it just doesn't seem to be happening for them. It seems that they try to rationalize why the 'other chick' was "chose" over them to make themselves feel better. Not cute.

OneChele said...

Thanks for de-lurking!

Misseastside said...

This was such an amazing post that I figured it was time to stop lurking! As a plus size chick, you know that first part kinda struck a serious cord with me. I wonder did the "ex and her friend" ever stop to realize that you don't have to be a size 4 to have ALL of your ish together too. I mean...weight, for me, is not a barrier to dressing well, being confident, going to college, getting a job, saving and investing wisely and knowing how to cook. Ah well, maybe my life can be an example. My extra curves have always seemed to come in handy :-)

Now, my top three reasons why I said "I DO" last year:

1. Responsible- I was raised in a home with a single mother until I was 13-then she got married and still managed the household with my stepdad around. My husband is a year younger than me so naturally I was prepared to let him be the "head of household" in theory and I would handle the business. It was all I had known. Clearly that is NOT the case! He is fantastic at handling the household, our finances and our savings. Eventhough we didn't mix money until after we were married, I saw his methodical approach to maintaining the house and I didn't have one worry about anything.

2. Trustworthy- For the most part, everyone I meet gets the *side eye* or the *squint eye* until I know them better. I'm just a skeptic by nature. Also, I normally lived by the motto that "I won't put anything past anybody". That has the tendency to make me ask A LOT of questions all the time. From the very start, I felt as if he was completely honest with me. This was the first time that I felt that a person had no outside motive, nothing he was trying to hide or that he would try to have a number of women at a time. That kind of trust doesn't come easy or often so I definitely took notice.

3. Down to Earth- Outside of his collegiate arrogance that is instilled in all of the students that went there (lol) he is a really down to earth kind of guy. He is fun to be around without having to act a certain way or dress a certain way. We can go to dinner at the Four Seasons or Chilli's and he'll be happy either way. He can chat with anyone and I can leave him in a crowd of people that he doesn't know and come back to see that he's made a bunch of new friends in a short period of time.

GrownAzzMan said...

I know I am late (they actually expect me to work sometimes! Meetings, conference calls, WDDDA?).
1. Intelligence
2. Independence
3. Attractive to me.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Wrap that up in a brown-skin thick snack to go please."

Um, I'll have what he's having...

CaliGirlED said...

"My extra curves have always seemed to come in handy :-)" You go girl!

CaliGirlED said...

I was wondering where you were yesterday. Glad to know you weren't just being chicken like some folks who shall remain nameless *ahem* Donell.

Donell Creech said...

not three - just one. the ability to be fully self expressed in her presence. full self expression means that i can be the exact same way with her as when it's just me in the room. and even beyond - in *all* the ways that i am me, from micro to macro, there's a special appreciation for it. (bernard p. phife, blanch, dorothy, rose and sophia - thems my shows! on the other end, my love and service for community is only superseded by my love and service for jesus and my family.)

so - full mutual self expressiveness - all i need after that is a ring, a date and a broom.

and yes chele and cali - i do accept your retracted side-eyes from yesterday.

CrisDiva said...

Yes! Hopefully, those who always ask"You're cute; you're smart; you're funny...why not you?" will stop that too!

BluAssassin said...

I'm definitely looking for someone who is the total opposite of my dad. Integrity tops my list for that reason.

BluAssassin said...

Here are my 3:

1. Integirty - I love that word because it covers so much. I have to be able to respect any man I'm with. A man of sound moral principle, uprightness, honesty and sincerity is someone I can respect.

2. Zest for life/curiosity about the world around him - While I'm here on this earth, I want to LIVE. I am naturally curious about a variety of things and my mate must be also.

3. Sense of humor - And not just any ol' sense of humor. The kind that likes everyting from South Park to Dumb and Dumber. And he has to be able to laugh at himself.

Funny how my 3 things are all things I possess...

So, basically, just be the male version of me! LOL

Natahu77 said...

Late to death, but on time for life! :)

Ok...

1) Thoughtful/Caring, I need a man who thinks about us.

2) Ambitious/Jack of a Few Trades. I really like a man that is maximizing his life and usually these guys are able to converse about a variety of things.

3) Sensuality/Chemistry. There was a guy that I dated and every once in awhile his teeth would scrape against the fork when eating. (Naw, he wasn't bucktoothed, lol) I can't explain it, but something about that used to just turn me on! He just has to have "things" that may go unnoticed by someone else that take me over the top.

Hmmm... thanks for this post, I think I needed to write this out again. :)

keishabrown said...

*ahem..
sorry for yelling
THIS POST RIGHT HERE NINJA!?!?!! is. the. truth.
and while i like to think i dont walk around with a sense of entitlement because i gots (yes gots) a great place, great career, love to cook and watch nfl, have skills in and out the bedroom..there are days where i DO wonder how a woman with 'less' seems to get more. i have recently taken a step back to check my maself to make sure im not drinking too much of my own koolaid. self love (all types) is important, but being humble never killed no body.
i approve this msg.

Brittany Geneva said...

1) intelligent stimulating conversation
2) good mix of being serious/being playful
3) ambitious/driven/going somewhere in life
and the one that's not counted because it's a prerequisite before I can consider any of these others...we must be equally yoked!

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