Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Reality Check: Don't wanna be a player? Stop playing...

Reality Check Week, also known as Sometimes Life Ain't Fair Week, also known as Wake Up and Smell What's Cooking week. Today: Stop Playing. Read and learn...

I'm not going to put specific people on blast today but er, uh - you already know who you are. Five of you, three men and two women reached out for relationship advice/counsel. I'm thrilled to be able to tell you - you are dead azz wrong.

At some point, good people - perception becomes reality. If you continue conducting yourself in a certain way, no matter how much you say "I'm not that person"... you kinda are. Where there's smoke, there's fire. The proof is in the pudding. Actions speak louder than words. What you do speaks louder than what you say... I have a million of these, I can do this all day. But I think you feel me.

Let me just take one example from each side to illustrate my point.

Had a young lady (we'll call her Sally) tell me that her last four relationships have ended badly. She said she's tired of men telling her that she plays games. Really? I asked. What kind of games? After a bit of hemming and hawing, it appears that Miss Sally uses the cocoa as a relationship weapon. She promises cocoa and doesn't deliver until she gets her way. Then she withholds cocoa to show her displeasure. Worse yet, she dangles hot chocolate; waits until someone is really, really thirsty and then barters. 

I said, "Oh so you're a manipulative tease who uses the chocolate cupcake as a bargaining chip." Needless to say, she did not agree with my phraseology and said she just had a different way of viewing power in relationships. Le Sigh. 

Sally, sweetie - there's a not so nice phrase for women who put the good-good on a yo-yo like that. Really, anytime you promise and withhold something that your partner wants as a means of control and power grab - that's manipulative game playing and just plain no bueno. On a serious note girlfriend; I wouldn't try this trick with the wrong guy. Could end very poorly.  

Had two guys come to me with the exact complaint: women thought they were players and they swear they aren't. I'll go with the case of the gent I'll call Phil. Phil has a lot of female friends, purely platonic. He has pictures of himself with all of his platonic female friends on his Facebook page. He is looking for Ms. Right and is openly flirting and dating and hanging out in the spots but not picking any one person for something serious. He has had a few cocoa encounters recently but not in realm of leading to a relationship.

But sir, um... methinks thou dost protest too much. Your actions are a wee bit playeriffic. It may not be fair but when a woman sees a single man with a lot of female friends and he's displaying pictures of himself hugged up with those friends... we think player. We don't know the story. All we see is a round robin of plentiful women. If month after month you are one-two dates and out, we assume it's because you want it that way. You say you're not a player but you're out playing. What are women supposed to think? We think you're either a player or picky or both. 


Phil - truthfully if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck? AFLAC be thy name. And fellas, ye with the multiple platonic female friends... stop. You can say you don't want them all day long, we know that the Friend Zone is merely a gateway and three shots of Patron away from Cocoaville. And for the record, if your girl has a ton of male friends and tells you they are all platonic... please reference Chris Rock's joke: To a woman, a male platonic friend is like a d*** in a glass jar. Break in case of emergency." I'm not saying it's true... I'm saying it happens.

Moving on. My point to both Sally and Phil is that once is a fluke, twice is a trend. Continuing a pattern of behavior becomes a modus operandi. If you don't like the label, peel it off and be something else.

I'm just putting these out there for your commentary, BougieLand. What say you to Sally and Phil? And what should they do to change the script? Advice, thoughts, commentary? The floor is yours...

151 comments:

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

"truthfully if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck? AFLAC be thy name"

I'm out!

Note to 'Chele: Girl, you did the dang thang! Note to self: Do NOT read 'Chele while at a client site. Holding back tidal waves of laughter is not good for one's health.

As for the post, I don't believe in people deluding themselves. If you act like a dog, you're a dog. If you manipulate people, you're a manipulator. Period.

Sally: there is a difference between not giving your body to someone who you don't feel has earned the privilege, and just being stupid with the cocoa dispensary. Your problem isn't that you have a different view of power in relationships. Your problem is you're not someone with a proper view of relationships and relationship power dynamics. That, and you deal with ignant dudes with the same frame of mind. You need to mature in some areas, and also upgrade the caliber of men you deal with. Any dude that makes you feel like you have to barter, negotiate, withhold, etc the cocoa is NOT the dude that is ready and able to provide what you most likely really desire. Especially because it is my belief that really good dudes know how to put a stop to foolishness, even if said stop means they walk away.

Phil: Boy BYE! You may not be a player, but you are wearing the uniform. You want to do what you're doing, and then deflect blame on the women who fail to drink the KoolAid and disbelieve their own eyes. Frankly, if a woman were to take you at your word about wanting something serious, you wouldn't be ready for it because she would shut all of that tomfoolery down. And we all know that as soon as she makes her requirements known, you're going to bounce because "she's too demanding, too difficult, too..."

Jesse said...

Ouch. Just... um, let me duck for cover.

sunt97 said...

Usually when people say they are not something, they usually are and in a big way. Sally is a tease and wants to be in control of everything , while Phil wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

Ijuscant said...

Tell dem!!!

Hidi said...

Sally & Phil: Grow up. Stop the game playing. Like right now.This instance. You all are the same ones who always complain about not finding the right person.

Sally: SELF ESTEEM. You don't have any. Seriously. You should not being playing with cocoa like that..it can lead to rape. You are playing with people's emotions. Stop it.

Phil: SELF ESTEEM. You don't have any and I don't believe you can keep a woman. I think you are afraid, so you rather keep women at a distance.

ConvertingMe said...

"good-good on a yo-yo"

"AFLAC be thy name."

"Friend Zone is merely a gateway and three shots of Patron away from Cocoaville" <-----S.T.O.P. - I almost choked and died in my orange juice.

So many people don't know how to have a relationship without the games.

They have integrated game into their normal relationship metric and rhythms; that they have forgotten real relationships are game free except for Scrabble, Yahtzee and the bedroom ones.

Penny said...

What Just_A_Thought1218 said!!

JaymeC said...

It's always fascinating to me when people act on way and don't want to be called out for it. It is possible that Phil has a multitude of female friends that are purely platonic but he has to know that if he really wants to find one special one, he has to cut all of that extracurricular out. Sally is playing a dangerous game. I suspect she started this in her teens or early twenties and it worked on boys. Men ain't having it.

Great post. I rebuke you for the AFLAC comment.

Jason P said...

I can't type out what I think about Sally. That would be impolite. As for Phil - this is just one of those things. Women are not going to go for their man having a ton of female friends. Whether intentional or not, it gives the impression that you one to have one in the hand and several in the bush.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Um, I mostly agree with you, but let's not degrade men by saying that they are unable to control themselves. Rapists wanting to rape people lead to rape. Rapists not knowing that consent starts at yes and ends when yes stops, leads to rape. Men are human beings who can control their actions. A woman being the object of a man's desire does not absolve him of the responsibility to control himself. Period. If you disagree, you are saying that once a man has been sexually arosed, then the need to quench those desires trumps every other need or desire. Like the need to be safe and not be raped. Or not be groped, no matter what you are wearing. Or not be harassed on the street because someone else finds you attractive. It's all part of rape culture, and it is all connected.

It's a fine line to walk, but let's not get into potential victim blaming with Sally just cuz she isn't making the best choices in how she dates.

blackprofessor said...

Dead at "AFLAC be thy name"!!!!

I can't add anything more than what you said - Be who you want others to think you are!
Sally - Check the HIV and Herpes statistics among Black women, that should scare you into not using sex as a weapon.

Queen of Me said...

Sally - girl, come on now. Nobody likes a tease. I can't think of any scenario that ends well with cocoa dangled as bait.

As for Phil, did I date him? I just had a flashback. He's out most nights in the lounges and at the hot parties, he's got an entire stable of "platonic" female friends - I call them "ladies in waiting". The problem with this is that when he and I are together, he's still got these female voices (that are not MINE) in his ear. He may not want them (right now at this instant) but how does he know one or more of them don't want him? He's setting himself up to fail before he even starts.

CorettaJG said...

This also brings to mind for me the people who do things that are hurtful, but then say, "Well, that's how I am, I told them up front that's just me." To me, the reality is that still doesn't make it right and you need to just do better.

While I understand the idea of the "buyer beware" disclaimer, how does that make bad behavior okay? Shouldn't you still want/need to do better even if you were raised that way, have done that all your life, and been upfront about it. If you are a liar, a philanderer, disrespectful, distrustful, mean, bitter, angry, racist, shallow, whatever, shouldn't those still be things that you need to work to change because they are objectively poor qualities (and bad for a successful relationship)?

To me saying, "that's just me" suggests it's the other person's problem to deal with -you aren't going to change and you aren't working on it. Obviously it's going to take the right one to put up with you and those characteristics and maybe you will find that perfect one. But should they even have to deal with that? Would they actually be wrong for saying I want you to work on improving that?

Paul on Ice said...

What's a man supposed to do? Have no female friends and sit out the house waiting for Ms. Right to show up? He's just being a man.

Cassie said...

And that, sir - is the Player's Anthem

aishao1122 said...

Wow loving this reality check today. So many people need this.
As for the Chris Rock joke, hmm I will have to respectfully disagree, no I can't vouch for why they hang around, but I have always gotten along better with men than with women. I was a tomboy, only girl for a few years with all male siblings, so I learned to speak my mind, love football (both american and the real stuff) and to become pretty decent with playstation,and deadly with the Xbox Call of Duty (all I'm saying).
And I learned not to play games that don't come on the console, makes me "one of the guys" or generally the one they seek out for advice about crazy girlfriends who try to separate them from "that chick you hang out with". I never get involved in their relationships, I'm not up on them, but many woman don't even want me to be around period, all I say is your jealousy issues are your own, I've known them forever, if I had wanted him I would have gotten it along time ago. I have no designs on any of them, to me they are like the older brothers I never wanted (of which I have plenty 5, don't need anymore, but hey).
All I'm saying is, GROWN people can have platonic relationships based on shared history, it doesn't mean that the woman are waiting around for a chance with that man or as you stated "...three shots of Patron away", or that the man is waiting for a chance for her to be drunk.

As for the playing games, take a gander at every movie, t.v show, magazine article or listen to some idiot who calls themselves a relationship "guru". They all advocate playing games to "Keep your man", they don't promote, healthy grown relationships. They promote the drama that comes from someone hanging on to a messed up situation. Almost everyone is attempting to have a relationship based on what they saw growing up and hear in the media, so until someone teaches the younger kids to stop playing games they are always going to think that's how its done.
BB

michaeldavis said...

women can do this. That's why the Snuggie was invented and is so successful.

aishao1122 said...

Took the words right outta my mouth. there is never any excuse for rape, we could be lovers for twenty years and I tell you no, and you still carry on? It's rape. Sally maybe irresponsible in her dating relationship behavior, but no one does anything to deserve rape.

Brneyed1 said...

That was a rhetorical question, right??

Sasha in Stilettos said...

I know a woman like Sally. Kept her man waiting on the cocoa then played catch-me-if-you-can games with it. And was shocked when he went and drank from someone else cup.

blackprofessor said...

"All I'm saying is, GROWN people can have platonic relationships based on shared history"

I agree with you on this! One of my best friends is a guy and we have been friends for over 20 years. There is no shiggidity between us and everyone knows it including his wife. However, I think Chele is alluding to the quantity of women around you. A real man with real ish going on won't have time for tons of women hanging around him pretending to be friends, he just won't! If he does, that does look shady.

NoNotPinkett said...

Thank you for highlighting the point that the only person responsible for perpetrating rape is the perpetrator. I really hope I see the death of the madonna/whore dichotomy in my lifetime.

Brneyed1 said...

Sally: as was told to me once, the one constant in all of your relationships is YOU. Step back and be real with yourself.

Phil: ain't nothin' wrong with sampling all 31 flavors, but eventually you have to pick one or get outta the fratchin' store dude.

CaliGirlED said...

Let me start by saying Wow! Really? Ok, but I won't judge.

"At some point, good people - perception becomes reality. If you continue conducting yourself in a certain way, no matter how much you say "I'm not that person"... you kinda are. Where there's smoke, there's fire. The proof is in the pudding. Actions speak louder than words. What you do speaks louder than what you say... I have a million of these, I can do this all day. But I think you feel me."...A person's perception of you is their reality, you may not agree with it, but it is what it is....I'll just add, "I can show you better than I can tell you."

Ms. Sally, let me just say I so agree with this statement that Chele made, "I wouldn't try this trick with the wrong guy. Could end very poorly." Unfortunately you won't know until it's too late....I'm not going to bother with how what you're doing is wrong, won't waste my time. What I will say is that you're confused. You sought out Chele's advice, and she's pretty clear through her blogging on how she feels about cocoa service, and when she gives you her answer you say that you just have a different way of viewing power in relationships. You knew that before you went to her. So my question to you is, what are you really in search of? I'll quote from the movie For Colored Girls..., "You need to find the root of your problem."

Mr. Phil, I'll tell you like I told a gentleman who thought he was dealing with a dummy. While you are out here having all these women auditioning and trying out to be co-captain on your team (Ms. Right), they're bringing their A-game because they are indeed in competition with each other. But when you make your final selection , you may find that because she no longer feels the need to compete and becomes comfortable in her position, then you will find out who you're really dealing with. In other words, you have to settle down and spend quality time with one and get to know her and what she's about, without all the distractions. And if she's not worthy of the "title", then you move on to the next one. But right now my friend you are splashing around in the kiddie pool looking for an Olympic swimmer, while "Ms. Right" is over in the real pool brushing up on her back-stroke.

Troy said...

Sally needs to better understand the nature of men. We'll play in and with the cocoa but not on our way to getting it. My grandmama used to say "Don't put the pot on the stove and not expect it to boil"

Phil needs to better understand the nature of women. They see you hugged up on random women (even if it's platonic) and they no like. One, okay. Two, maybe. But to the point where you have to start explaining "she's just a co-worker", "she's my cousin", "she's just a friend", yeah no. Just make it easy. If you pick one you're interested in, ask the others to fall back.

BB Waite said...

Grown folks need to quit playin'.

CaliGirlED said...

I so agree with you! And the reverse is also true. When someone is always proclaiming themselves to be something, it's because they really are not. Goes back to perception, if you are showing it, then you don't have to speak on it or try to convince me of it.

CaliGirlED said...

Now for the funny of it. Chele if you don't stop with all the analogies! I felt schizophrenic trying to be serious about the topic at hand, and at the same time laughing at how you were elaborating on it. You are too much!

OneChele said...

Your problem is you're not someone with a proper view of relationships and relationship power dynamics. <~~Bingo.

OneChele said...

Sorry! Shots fired?

OneChele said...

What's that saying? Denial is not a river in Eqypt?! Word.

OneChele said...

Indeed.

OneChele said...

Spades and Monopoly?

OneChele said...

Rebuke is SUCH a strong word.

OneChele said...

Well said.

OneChele said...

That's all I was trying to say.

OneChele said...

This right here. Sally and Phil may just "doing them" but others may want to see some change before long term involvement.

OneChele said...

Not even touching that one.

OneChele said...

I do believe that men and women can be platonic friends. I have a very close male friend from high school. My point was that if you're in a serious relationship, that person is not going to want to feel like they are jockeying for the number 1 spot with you. Particularly with people they might see as competition or interference.

OneChele said...

Hmpfh. There it is.

OneChele said...

Stealing the 31 flavors line.

OneChele said...

I have to approach things with a smile and a twinkle or wouldn't we all just be salty round BougieLand? Ha!

OneChele said...

Nuff said.

michaeldavis said...

So for those of you that like the movie Love jones so much, would you characterize that as abnormal behavior? They were a crew, they ate at each others houses, some were single and some weren't, they checked each other when they were out of line, clowned each other and had fun.

If a man doesn't have some other friends, when y'all date he is going to be under you 24/7. If not physically under you then he'll be calling/texting/lurking all-the-time. Why? Because he has no friends. Contrary to public belief, 24/7 dude is most likely to step out on you than the other type.

I would much rather go out with a mixed group than hang out with a crew of dudes all night. The women in our crew are not hitting on us. Some of them have their own man, and those bros come hang out with us too. Did just that the other night. We all went to the diner and had a ball. They've tried to fix me up with their friends (outside of the crew). Some of us have game night at each other's houses - Pictionary, taboo, Uno, etc.

Like aishao1122 said, if they wanted me they would've let me know. And they haven't. I've been single long enough that they've have had more than enough chances.

OneChele said...

Don't put the pot on the stove and not expect it to boil <~~ Well alright then

GrownAzzMan said...

Chele is not playin' today!

OneChele said...

And that's that.

baileyqc said...

Not sure what the relationship is between what Chele was talking about and you having game night with your crew? But like Chele said below: if you're in a serious relationship, that person is not going to want to feel like they are jockeying for the number 1 spot with you. Particularly with people they might see as competition or interference.

CaliGirlED said...

Yep!

baileyqc said...

Ooo-kay?!
"AFLAC!"

baileyqc said...

Not sure where you were going with this one either so I'm just send the BnB side-eye your direction.

aishao1122 said...

That's true. And you shouldn't have to feel that your fighting to be number one. I do however believe that sometimes women believe that once they become serious with a man, that his single friends should no longer matter. Which they should no longer hold first place, but there is no need to lose all your friends (unless they are unhealthy for your relationship) just because your in a committed relationship. They shouldn't try to be number one, but your partner shouldn't ascribe to the belief that they are all you need, and that you shouldn't have friends. who are you going to talk to about the batshyt crazy thing they just did if you no longer have friends?? real friends yes, friends trying to become your girl/boyfriend even though you already have one. No

aishao1122 said...

true!!

CaliGirlED said...

I'll just stick to my example of "kiddie pool" vs. "Olympic pool".

baileyqc said...

Once more for old times' sake:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOEOn3fng9U

baileyqc said...

Too true!

baileyqc said...

Pinochle, Risk?

michaeldavis said...

oh no question - a serious relationship means that "folks gotta fall back." I don't date much, but my homegirls give me the "when are you going to find a woman" business every so often. They've been trying to hook me up with their friends/sisters/etc.

thinklikeRiley said...

Sally gonna run into King Cocoa - script will be totally flipped. When she gets that smash she can't do without?! Ooo. Wee.
Phil ballin'. Don't hate.

OneChele said...

You definitely need to keep your network, especially those that respect your new relationship.

CaliGirlED said...

I understand what you're saying because I have male friends who know that's all it is and know that they can introduce me to whoever they may be seeing and not have to worry about her feeling uncomfortable. Because unless she has serious insecurity issues, she will see that I AM just a friend. I've also been on the receiving end of that as my daughter's father accused me of "stealing" his friend from him. A female friend who was truly just that, and we are still close to this day!

But as blackprofessor stated, these are not the kinds of friends Chele was referring to. And hanging around a lot of guys, you know the type! LOL

OneChele said...

And now I regret making up the phrase King Cocoa. LOL!

thinklikeRiley said...

Big Pun... RIP.

CaliGirlED said...

Too many women are handing out free samples of cocoa for you to be playing games with someone you claim you really want to be with!

thinklikeRiley said...

Just say it - Women ain't having it!

thinklikeRiley said...

Bruh - "We'll play in and with the cocoa but not on our way to getting it. "
Dap.

thinklikeRiley said...

She never do! Why I be in BougieLand, she siddity and all but dishes straight.

CaliGirlED said...

I love "Grandma sayings", they are so real and so true!

OneChele said...

Uh, thanks?

CaliGirlED said...

And that is why you have some of us rushing to get to work, to turn on our computers and read your morning post before we even think about what "the man" needs from us!
*dead*

Sarah said...

People are strongly invested in their view of themselves. Not understanding how others see what you do can lead to some unfortunate, crazy, or bizarre situations. I hope those two think carefully about what you have said/written.

This reminded me of one of those contradictions that I didn't have the energy to address with the last boyfriend. He is a what he calls a very social person. He likes to talk to everybody (when he is in one of his happy moods) including women. He will get into involved, chatty, or cheerful discussions. Some of these women thought he was trying to pick them up which he acted like he was confused about. None of this bothered me. I'm not the jealous sort. I might have been when I was younger, but somewhere I passed over into a peaceful zone. BUT, if I so much as said hello let alone smiled or had a conversation with another man? Ha! as you would say. There would be a scowl on his face and his fist would bunch up and his whole body would go tense. He said something to the effect that if a man talked to me it meant he was trying to pick me up. My reply was along the lines of maybe he was just being social like you are... Silence. Anyway, the point of all that is that sometimes it is helpful to put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if the situation were in reverse.

Brneyed1 said...

We aren't saying don't have other female friends. What we are saying is if you are really looking for a Mrs to your Mr, don't be out looking like you're on the prowl.

It's cool to hang out with a person or two of the opposite sex. Most women (emphasis on MOST) understand that. But if it is your practice to only hang out will a bunch of women, all the time, then you give the impression that this is the life you want. So unless she wants to be part of the harem, she's gonna fall back.

To a non-related question, brought on by the mention of Love Jones: does it seem to get harder as you get older to keep a mixed group of friends together, or has that just been my experience?

CaliGirlED said...

What you're referring to is healthy, what "Phil" seemed to have presented to Chele as his routine of activities is not. Or shall we say is Playerific. If you brought a female to the crew, or hooked up with one of those outside friends, the women of said crew would most likely welcome her with open arms and smiles and make sure she felt comfortable. In Phil's world, if he brought a female to the spots where he hangs out, there would be laser beam side-eye going on all night! And I'm sure this has happened and he has found himself "explaining" as Troy stated below.

Hidi said...

"...but let's not degrade men by saying that they are unable to control themselves."

You took my words out of context. I never degraded men and said they cannot control themselves. All I said was, well just go back and re-read what I wrote. Furthermore, it is possible she can date the "wrong" dude who can in return hurt her physically because of the game playing. You never know.

"It's a fine line to walk, but let's not get into potential victim blaming with Sally just cuz she isn't making the best choices in how she dates."

Ok. Please do not make what I wrote more than what it is. Thank you. :)

CaliGirlED said...

I think this whole week is going to be much of the same!

OneChele said...

That story with your ex... Le Sigh.

Steve said...

I dated a Sally. When she got her way, the cocoa was on steady pour. When she didn''t, dry as the Sahara. One of my boys calls it faucet f***ing, it runs hot, it runs cold. I think I like "good-good on a yo-yo" better.

Phil. Facebook can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Single men who post pictures of themselves with women should just be prepared to explain who they are. That is all.

CaliGirlED said...

Bid whist, dominoes? Hey strip poker, now that's a great game to play in a relationship!

Brneyed1 said...

Exactly! Reading Bouge was the first thing I did when I got to work each morning! But now I can't even read it at work anymore...they have blocked it! *fratchin' secured networks* I have to read it on my iPhone, which is hard because now I can't look like I'm reading email or something else work-related! LOL!!

CaliGirlED said...

Ha ha!

Erica said...

Wow, smh. The only thing I can say is that grown people are exactly that, grown. Why solicit advice that you are not willing to be open too, and why ask questions if your own understanding is how you conclude your answer? Defeats the point!

If you want a relationship, you will make yourself open and available for things to happen. If you want someone to keep you company, then you do that as well.

People like Phil and Sallie don't want help, although they need a strong epiphany to take place, they will continue to be immature adults wanting mature results from their actions. That's not how life works and that's not changing anytime soon.

As for me, I've accepted that as a young independent black woman attaining her graduate degree, that most men are not looking for me. That's fine, because I'm not looking for them. Truthfully I'm looking for something compatible to me. Most twenty four year olds are not looking to be serious, if they are, they're not on my campus lol. I myself don't exactly know all that I want, but I know how to handle myself appropriately for when the time comes.

rochee said...

I found that most people who are emotionally immature, are also complete oblivious and/or in denial about the character deficiencies. They get called out on their bs a bunch of times, but they don't realize that they are the problem. I have one general rule about life; If more than 5 people tell me something, then there has to be some truth to it. If you are encountering the same problem(s) over and over again, you are the common denominator. These people can't all be in cahoots with one another and decided to send out a memo detailing your flaws.

Natasha said...

CaligGirlED

Everyday running to work for what is posted... trying to see it on the small Blackberry screen on my way to work does not do it justice.

Thank you Chele for normal bougie. I grew up with HIGH FALUTIN COUNTRY BOUGIE and ran first chance I could get.

Ms. Jay said...

Girl I feel you. Do people think you are weird for not wanting to date ? Some just cant understand being focused on goals and not on playing games.

William Martin said...

I can't with Sally. As you said - she dead azz wrong.

But I can offer up a learned life lesson for Phil. The problem with having a lot of women around platonic, casual, whatsayyou is that they cloud your vision for seeing the right one. It's like being a dessert lover at the Cheesecake Factory for the first time - there are so many enticing choices around you, it's hard to pick a favorite.

The other danger of having a lot of "people" around is that you start compiling unachievable lists - you like the looks on that one, the personality on that one, the ambition on that one, the cocoa game on that one and then you're in a holding pattern waiting for the composite of all those different attributes to materialize - too much pressure. Might not be a bad idea to just spend a little time alone and gain perspective.

Just a few of my thoughts.

OneChele said...

*DEAD* What in the world is High falutin' Country Bouge?! Faux Bouge? Deep-Fried Bouge? Smothered Siddity? I don't even know what to do with that!

michaeldavis said...

For me, I have found it to be easier. As you get older, you are generally more secure and less into what I call "young folk pettiness." We cheer each other on and have each other's back when the ish goes down in our lives. BONUS: you have weeded out those who practice bad behavior, both male and female.

Not too long ago, we all met up at the Foreign Exchange concert in Dallas that a friend of ours brought to town. Had a blast. We go to each other's birthday dinners, things like that...all normal, healthy behavior.

Andrea M said...

Am I the only one with a little cyber-crush on William? Well, half the BnB Boys truth be told...

CaliGirlED said...

I agree.

Andrea M said...

Smothered Siddity
x__x

Andrea M said...

And isn't that a whole other blog post!

CaliGirlED said...

Hope "Phil" is reading today!

CaliGirlED said...

*fannin, rockin & hummin* at the BnB Boys

rozb said...

For most of my military career, a large portion of my friends were men. And many of them had women. So it is possible - just do it with some sense and sensibility. If you are single without anyone, don't do like our buddy Phil and do all the relationship stuff with your female "friends", and then claim that you don't know how they got the idea that you were more than friends. It's like wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, jersey, and a cup, then being surprised that someone mistakes you for a football player. Ninja - you are wearing a football uniform!

I didn't let my male friends get lazy. In other words, it is easy for them to come and cry on your shoulder, or go clubbing with you, or put their feet up on your couch (thanks Dave "Rick James" Chappelle) to avoid developing any real intimate relationships with anyone else. And a woman's intuition will tell her that he is just playing around and isn't really available for anything other than a wave goodbye. So Phil - if you don't want to be seen as a playa, then don't indulge in playa tendencies and act like you know...because you really do know.

As for Sally - you keep "the cocoa cupcake" hostage because you are insecure about the other aspects of you, and whether it is enough to keep a man. When you define yourself by this quality, and use it like a well-worn poker chip, eventually it loses its luster and value, and is no longer worth putting in the game. Real talk Sally - *lean a little closer* - YOU DO NOT HAVE THE ONLY COCOA! Yeah, I know that it seems special to you. Hell - it's been with you your whole life. But considering that you don't corner the market on rich, chocolatey creamy goodness, you might wanna develop your other traits and get that self-esteem on point.

I will now return you to your regularly scheduled program already in progress...

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I responded to what you wrote. Not a personal attack, as you are perceiving it, but more of a general note so as to avoid rape apologia when critiquing Sally's actions. If you posit that a woman's actions leads to rape, then by extension you say that only women are responsible for preventing rape, and you strip men of their humanity and agency. In my opinion, ,that's degrading them. As for the second part, again, it wasn't personal, just an extension of my call for us to be careful in how we discuss Sally's less-than-stellar choices.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

And an appropriate one! I was on a corporate computer, in a client office, drinking my morning coffee in a white button down. You almost caused a catastrophe :-)

rozb said...

A-a-a-men! Can I get a witness?!?!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Cotillion balls w/ chitlins on the menu? LOL I don't know. I grew up midwest aspirational-bougie.

blackprofessor said...

I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head!!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I don't think it's abnormal, it just happens as people mature and keep it grown and bougie.

My issue w/ women friends is that in my short dating life, the women friends were ex FWBs, chicks actively trying to get at the man I was dating, chicks he was recently pursuing that weren't really feeling him at the time, etc. It's one thing if it's an actual friend. Whole other story when these are the ghosts of cocoa past, present, and future.

blackprofessor said...

The kiddie pool versus the real pool is classic, love it!

rozb said...

No one is saying you can't have any female friends. Just respect the perception of too many women, or being seen hugging up on a variety of women. It's the principle of it all. Or as Big Worm says "There's principalities in the whole thing."

Saying he's just being a man is almost like you're saying he has no control over how he is seen and that his actions may net him some negative results. And I know you didn't mean that, did you?

blackprofessor said...

I am fannin right with you CaliGirlEd, all the BnB boys are sounding right!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Tabernacle.

rozb said...

A little off-topic here, but did you see Mike Vick tear it up last night? The Redskins might as well have been a Pop Warner team! Woo! Got that out of my system.

OneChele said...

Ballin'! So happy for Vick.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Sally and Phil gonna have to learn the hard way.

Natasha said...

Something Like This ^^^^ Cotillion balls and chitlins

JojoRaze said...

Yeah, I done lost it with "AFLAC be thy name."

JojoRaze said...

Smothered Siddity? *dead* I have striver's bouge

MidWestDominicana said...

Don't want to get put in the "ratchet time out chair" with a side-eye, but they are awfully cute...and I mean that in the most platonic-happily married-minding my own business way possible. ;)

MidWestDominicana said...

"ghosts of cocoa past..." <----too funny

aishao1122 said...

Oh Riley i been waiting on your comment and you did not disappoint. ROLMAO

Candace M Chatman said...

"we all know that the Friend Zone is merely a gateway and three shots of Patron away from Cocoaville." Best line ever. And soooo true.

Hidi said...

Like I said before: My words were taken out of context. If you don't understand what I wrote, then ask me to clarify. I don't mind at all but I do mind when someone put "words into my mouth". Personally, I don't think anyone likes that. Anyway, we are both entitled to our opinions even if they are wrong. At the end of the day, I think Sally & Phil don't care about our opinions. That's what makes the world interesting. You have a great rest of the day.

Stank_0 said...

Reminder: Never axe (yes, axe) OneC for advice. Her truth is so raw and uncut you could call it fishscale.

I would say that the true Friend Zone is like the Negative Zone in Marvel Comics. You get locked in that bad boy and need a special pardon to get out. Usually you never do. What you described is a minimum security joint. With good behavior you get out right fast.

datdudeincali said...

And the thing about the Cheesecake Factory dessert menu - you really should NOT try and sample them all. Overall bad for your health.

datdudeincali said...

I would NEVER ask her for an opinion if I wasn't ready to hear the brutal unvarnished truth.

Rob said...

What she said.

OneChele said...

I say these things with the L-O-V-E, though?!

Pure Choco said...

Whew!

Pure Choco said...

I'm on the dating break right now as well. Other things taking priority.

SingLikeSassy said...

Let the chuch say Amen.

Pure Choco said...

I keep meeting dudes who have two scoops of butter pecan in hand and a double dip of jamocha fudge in the other!

SingLikeSassy said...

I'll admit it. I gotta lil' thug love crush on Riley. LOL!

Pure Choco said...

Just sayin' she could change the motto to "Peace. Love. Bouge. served straight no chaser!"

SingLikeSassy said...

Sally makes me tired. I can't even believe that BS has worked in this century. How old are you? Nevermind. Girl, bye.

CaliGirlED said...

Yep she'll be singing Jennifer Holiday's "And I Am Telling You", the undercover Stalkers' Anthem!

I love that song, both versions of it, but it is what it is. LOL

CaliGirlED said...

See you quoted Big Worm, that's why I like you! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Are we meeting the same dudes?

CaliGirlED said...

You are SO WRONG for that one!

CaliGirlED said...

"...ghosts of cocoa past, present, and future." *dead*

CaliGirlED said...

I have put myself in Adult Timeout!

CaliGirlED said...

"*lean a little closer* - YOU DO NOT HAVE THE ONLY COCOA!" Right!
Women are giving it away and you're playin games like you own the only Godiva factory in existence, then when you give it up, it ain't nothing but Swiss Miss. (At least to them, which is why they don't stick around after half-time.)

Ms. Jay said...

So you're pulling a Chele move too ?

CaliGirlED said...

Hell #16 looks about Pop Warner size! LOL! Vick played damn near every position on the field. I was waitin for him to hike the ball to himself!

CaliGirlED said...

Amen!

CaliGirlED said...

Mine started in July, and Chele's stories were my confirmation that that's exactly where I need to be. Especially after her SixNine and my own experience with an engineer in Houston. Wow really? Should I put them on the list of occupations to avoid? Right under officers of the goddamn law! (Not through experience, but because my big brother, who's an officer, would NEVER let me date one.)

I haven't lost hope though, just taking a much needed break.

GammasWorld said...

Girl, da man done blocked Gamma ... I gotta wait til I get home!

Javalicious said...

This. And Phil gets a side-eye and a yawn.

maureen palmer said...

Sally darling, you are not bringing the right tools for the job; it's like cutting steak with butter knife as opposed steak knife. Communication, communication.

Phil, if situation was reversed would you be ok with a s.o doing the same ?

GammasWorld said...

Aflac be thy name? Girl, Imma have to quit you LOL. I'm guessing Sally is a young Bougie -- bless her heart. Darlin your power is so much more than your cocoa and it limits you to men, well, who only want cocoa. Don't you want a man that enjoys cocoa as well as steak, lobster, pasta, you get my point. Cocoa power is not power ... it's just good cocoa. With the right mixing, you can get a good cup anywhere. Phil, can potential-Ms-Phil and your bevy of beauties hang out together with no drama? Can you talk on the phone to one of Phil's Philly's with potential-Ms-Phil snuggling up to you? That will tell me whether you are truly friends or if you're just test driving. The corporate lock-down on BougieLand's got my comments all short but you know what I mean. Imma have to change my work schedule to start after Fresh Bouge drops.

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah I've been blocked from a few sites too, luckily Bougieland isn't one of them!

Only the Tall said...

I now read the title of the this blog's posts and scroll down just to see what you've written, Mr. Riley. Do you have a blog sir? If not, please start one. Ciao!

JojoRaze said...

Well, I'm not going to hat on Phil. BUT, ballin' is going have him as the lonely, old dude in the nursing home with no visitors but hitting on the nurses and pinching their butts. They'll pretend to like him for his spunk, but inwardly shiver at his gaul and thirstiness.

Ms. Jay said...

where are your people from? I promise we could be related. This sounds like something I would say

Ms. Jay said...

Ok girl , do you .

Nadette said...

it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck? AFLAC be thy name.
-iDied!

As for Phil and Sally, Chele, you summed it up quite well. They remind me fo the folks who say "I'm not about the drama" when 110% of the time, if you have to make such disclaimers, you're full of ish. The problem is, folks like these rarely ever view themselves realistically. They see what they want, and assume everyone else has the problem. I always like to remind others (and myself) that the common denominator in all of your failed relationships starts with YOU, and that perhaps you should take a moment for honest self reflection. And that's all I have to say about that.

MotownMs said...

Let's hear it for the midwest bouge!

aishao1122 said...

I can see that point then. A few friends I can see but 20 maybe much. lol

Stank_0 said...

I never said you don't, but like I said you get right to point quick, fast,
and in a hurry. Must be a Southern thing, my relatives are the same way.

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