How many times here in BougieLand have we talked about level-setting expectations? About not expecting champagne on a beer budget? Here (from NYPost) is a prime example of a paper plate ninja looking for a platinum platter chick:
A pudgy, fanny-pack-wearing 40-year-old man who lives with his mother is so desperate to find love, he's posting handwritten personal ads at payphones around the city.
On paper, Malik Turner sounds like a fairly eligible bachelor -- at first: He's single, gainfully employed as a "sorter/bagger" for the United Parcel Service, loves the color red, roots for the Rangers and Jets.
The Harlem man loves movies, nightclubs, Coney Island and Atlantic City. His hobbies include playing video games and riding the subway.
Written in clear print and with extreme specificity, Turner's ad says he's seeking a blond, long-haired, "big-chested, curvy, leggy, voluptuous (NOT FAT)" woman -- or women -- age 21 to 45, "willing to take turns paying on date (NO GOLDDIGGERS!!!!!)."
[...]When hearing of her son's approach to finding love, his mom got angry. "What did you do, Malik?" she yelled. "What did you do?"
Asked how rigid he was about his ad's criteria, he said, "I'm not interested in anything else." He is not searching for a fairy tale, or even a long-term relationship. "I just want casual and promiscuous because I don't want anything serious," he said.
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There are SO many things wrong with this. Here are my top five beefs:
1) Ummm, how is ninja worried about gold-diggers and livin' in mama's basement?
Back in my high-rolling days, I was hanging around a lot of extremely well-compensated menfolk. They had cause to be concerned about gold-diggers, the UPS sorter still at home with mama? There is no gold to dig, sir.
2) He wants a long-haired (red or blonde only) non-African American woman that is big-chested, curvy and voluptuous? Malik, have you seen you?
I don't assume that I'm to everyone's taste and I'm okay with that. But I also know that if you are not the most attractive person (Malik, meet mirror. Mirror, Malik) then you need to bring something to the table: Great personality (FAIL), superior intelligence (FAIL), superb style (FAIL), classy charm (you already know). By the way, Malik - we (the sisterhood) are not insulted. We feel bad for whoever gets you.
3) Dude has "ride subway" listed as a hobby.
I think I'll let that speak for itself.
"What did you do this weekend?"
"Rode the subway, girl."
"Umm, sexy."
4) He states on the ad that he prefers his lady's style of dress to be mini-skirts, daisy duke shorts and 5"-6" spike heels but he wants no hookers or dominatrix. :-/
If you read the whole thing, Malik wants a very "promisuous" [his spelling, not mine] woman who is into threesomes, but only with other women. Malik knows he needs no competition. By the way, who is dressing like that on the regular (and looking for Malik)?
5) His own mama is horrified. I can literally hear her shrieking, "What did you DO?"
She knows a) her son is an idiot and b) he's not any closer to getting out of her basement.
BougieLand, have any words of advice for Malik? Have we ever seen this level of delusional desperation? Does anyone have a polite way to tell somebody they are being completely unrealistic? Thoughts, comments, insights?
137 comments:
I have been waiting for you to comment on this story OneChele, and you did not disappoint!
On the real, I hate the NY Post for even printing this! Next up, a series on men who violate parole because they want to keep it real for their baby mamas. I.cannot.
Ummm....m'kay....ummmmmm. I have nothing!
Michele, I was still mad at you for linking to this on Twitter.
Y'all, is he all there? I just can't imagine him being completely present is the case.
words of advice?
"Good Luck"
*shrug*
This. THIS! This is the type of attitude that I encounter on the regular. Subpar kneegrows with an outrageous list of demands and not a thing to offer ANY woman, nevermind the type of woman that said kneegrows are looking for.
I feel sorry for his mother. And any woman who read this story and still dated this kneegrow.
"And any woman who read this story and still dated this kneegrow. "
sorry for my brevity in my previous comment...but this statement is partly the reason why i wish him "good luck"
because no matter how many folks (women and men) hold their nose, laugh, snicker, pooh-pooh this dude, etc...
new york city has a population of about, 8.4 million people...you think there might be..*1* woman that would date dude? i wouldn't be surprised, quite honestly.
*for the record, what dude is doing is not something i could/would do, nor would i advise a dude in the economic position dude is, to undertake. furthermore i have no problems with women setting/having whatever standards they want in a man"
Yeah, you knew I came here to say hi. I got NOTHING for this.
I gave up low hanging fruit for November.
shout out to the NY Post
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DMo3uQpd40
Unfortunately, he's not alone. There are a lot of men out there who want the same thing, especially this "I just want casual and promiscuous because I don't want anything serious".
They just don't put it on paper at phone booths (handritten, with little tearaways-ugh. notice no takers?) .
This man clearly has no male friends.
Dude is just wooking pa nub, lol. Seriously though, dude has a unique approach though who actually uses a pay phone anymore. I am scared to touched them without a wipe (thanx Monk). While he does need to get real because first of all the woman that he is looking for does not exist and the fact that he is not a gold nugget or anything close to one. Hey who knows he might find the lady of dreams. Watch out New Yorkers.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
WOW!! No words for Malik but I feel sorry for his mother. Girlfriend probably can't go to church and hold her head up with this foolishness!
Lawdhavemercy..*faints, comes to* Mann, you betta take what you can get, and if you are so *coughs* fortunate *coughs* in finding this woman, you better MARRY her. But..seeing as you aren't looking for anything serious..I digress.*walks off shaking head while muttering to self* Kneegrow who the hellz you think you are, you can't afford to be that specific...
This has to be a Halloween joke...even though we don't typically do jokes on Halloween...
Uh-is Malik (Pookie/Ray-Ray, Boo-Boo, Junior, etc.) wearing a hair net in the picture? For that alone, he should be doomed to continuing to be dateless. Guess he is preparing to protect the 'do for when he get those "3-somes" and "4-somes."
Wonder what kinds of responses he got to his postings, since you can clearly see the phone number in the NY Post story.
Adios mio!
Before I read the comments below, let me say this: Chele had you not posted Malik's picture and his handwritten ad, I would have called you a bold-faced lie and asked you to dethrone yourself as Bougieland Queen! LOL
I did notice there were no takers! LOL
But someone should take all the tearaways so that El Stupido will think he's got some takers and anticipate their calls!
Another day on BnB, another reason to ask: What part of the game is THIS?
Dude is rocking a HAIR NET, a FANNY PACK and an old school red belt from The Time's Jungle Love video. What's not to love?!
Actually, she DOES exist, it's just that she charges, either by the "service" or hour. She won't be a golddigger either because it's her JOB, LOL.
I just found it hilarious. He JUST may find her or close enough.
My cousin used to work with this guy who literally didn't have a pot to p**s in and he stayed having women. He had to "live" at work. There was an empty office upstairs and he made his "home" there, complete with DirecTv and had all his belongings there in the office. My cousin said he stayed having women coming to see him, at the office.
He wasn't cute, had a big belly, no car, worked strictly on commission, but actually owed the manager money, so if he made commission, he didn't get it, so he was broke---- according to my cousin. So, anything's possible I guess, LOL.
I say good luck to him. I hope they run a story of the woman he ends ups with and how many of his standards were met.
I saw the code in his message...
1) No Golddiggers = I don't have any money, so a women with low financial expectations is required. I really need a Sugar Mama
2) Long-haired (red or blonde only) non-African American woman that is big-chested, curvy and voluptuous = All the sistas have a standard that I can't measure up to, so maybe a dumb blonde won't notice my circumstances.
3) My hobby is riding the subway = I don't have a car or the means to get one. If you have one, can I get a ride?
4) I prefer my lady's style of dress to be mini-skirts, daisy duke shorts and 5"-6" spike heels but he wants no hookers or dominatrix = I want a stripper with Hoe tendancies
I bet his Mama is wondering if she drop him a couple of times or if that alcohol she sipped while she was pregnant actually caused some damage. LOL
What's scary is - that losing-ass ninja liable to find somebody.
What got me was the mother, if mama know her son is sorry - it's a wrap.
Ewww and Ickkk. That. is. all.
Why on the payphones? That's what I keep wondering. Cause there's a certain kind of person who still uses a payphone in this day and age and er uh... that's not a good look
LOL @ the PE cut!
Excellent disclaimer!
He clearly has NO friends period. A homegirl would've slapped him silly for this nonsense.
You know she's sitting in the back pew with the huge hat on.
Worst thing about this.... even this uberloser has a full list of requirements. Specific to a fault at that.
LMAO WOW just WOW, Uber Fail dude Uber Fail!!! Chele where do you find them?
Yes, Halloween rebukes Malik even if he does appear to be dressed as an extra for Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
hey even dumb blondes have standards, ala Anna Nicole Smith, she landed in the money, but even she wouldn't touch him with someone else's body
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! okay, there are many, many, many things that made me bellow in laughter about malik's little love quest. but my favourite was definitely mama screeching
"what did you do, malik??? what did you do?!?!" - i think that says everything right there! kwaaa kwa kwa kwa kwa!!! TOO TOO HILARIOUS! as for his stated 'type' in women... um, JA malike, JA! keep dreaming, papa. one day is one day, as we say here in southern africa. the strangest dreams HAVE come true - why not for you? in the meantime, i'll stay giggling into my teacup, coz you are DEFINITELY the chuckle of the day - ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
I think you have just insulted The Time ;-)
I actually met a dude like this during my employment at the red circle boutique this summer. He was 40 , missing most of his teeth, and smelled like a distillery every day. He had the nerve to brag about his cars , but everyday we saw him walking somewhere. He claimed that a) he had been with a woman for 8 years , but had to let her go because she wasnt acting right , and b) that he was juggling 8 women last year.
Es my triste, no?
*Curtsies* you're welcome.
I'm sorry, I'm unable to comprehend anything you typed after "live at work" - does. not. compute.
*Pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL to reset*
And this right here is some CIA/NSA/FBI type of decoding ;-)
Le Sigh.
This is universally true. If your own mama has given up on you, all hope is lost.
C'mon now, you don't want some of that?
No you did not bring up Electric Boogaloo - BWAHAHA!
At first I thought this was a joke, or a Halloween costume. Then reading the article, I thought to myself "This ninja is serious!"Out of all the crazy, deranged things I have seen in life, and I have seen a lot, this takes the whole entire damn cake!
First, outfit combo of fanny pack, hair net, and perm. He looks like someone you give change to on the subway. Second, he looks like he is tart and funky - probably wears that stunning ensemble a LOT. He looks like hot tart garbage.
I feel for his mother. She is sitting at home asking herself over and over again what did she do to deserve this level of phuckery in her life.
As for the wealthy redhead/blonde busty but thin white lady with a hooker wardrobe who is looking for a fat, broke, funky black man living in his mama's basement - he is all yours.
I have nothing to add. I don't know whether to feel sad, pitiful or wait - I got it, amused as hell. Bless his heart. And he put on his BEST OUTFIT for this pic. He just KNOW he sexy. Get it, Malik!
Ay, si. This foolishness is just too much. I had to put my tea down before I choked, burned my mouth and spit all over my screen. Ha ha..maybe he needs to go talk to Antoine Dodson and find out where they hid all the women.
Morris Day said he can have the red belt. He won't need it back.
You are so wrong for that one Chele! LMAO
He's got hair like Pooty Tang.
I'd rather see HollaMan than this joka. OMG...am about to have tears streaming. This is going to be a really good week, isn't it?
Did they have to take a pic of him in front of the projects?
Not Pooty Tang... LAWD!
It wasn't me this time ;-) The esteemed @Veronicamarche on Twitter sent this bit of goodness my way and Ms @IvoryTabb insisted I write about it.
(ergo, it's not my fault)
Just wow!! LMAO! This ish is hilarious! I have no doubt that SOMEONE will find that man appealing and give him some play.
"4) I prefer my lady's style of dress to be mini-skirts, daisy duke shorts and 5"-6" spike heels but he wants no hookers or dominatrix = I want a stripper with Hoe tendancies"...That's it, I'm done!
You lost me at missing most of his teeth at 40. Ugh.
Floss saves, people. Embrace the wonders of fluoride.
You forgot to add he looks like he is missing a chromosome. Or am I the only one seeing that? ::snicker::
Chele - I almost choked on my chili! I couldn't see him breakin' - although I bet he messed up his mama's stereo trying to learn how to scratch.
LMAO! Yep. He lived at work. No it's not zoned as residential; no, it wasn't an apartment; yes, there was office equipment there; no, there was no shower, only a sink. And yes, he actually had women (non-prostitutes) up there (during work hours at times, that's how she knows).
Morbidly curious to see who he ends up with.
I am still tripping over the fact he did tearaways. Tearaways. Like a lost pet or something. On a payphone. He has failed magnificently and spectacularly.
Oh Snap! I didn't even notice that. #FAIL
And that kind of person is Malik's perfect mate!
mega #FAIL if he is posting those "ads" on pay phones near where he lives. Does he not know his target demographic most like uses a cell phone rather than a pay phone?
So you're saying we can blame all of this on genetic defect? Faulty DNA? ;-)
Ridiculous! His poor mama. "What did you do, Malik?" she yelled. "What did you do?"
Any woman who deals with him cannot say that she was not put on notice.
I officially quit you for posting this hot mess. Dammit, this is BougieLand.
There is nothing bougie about Malik.
I stand corrected. I edited the Bougie Topics to make Malik part of the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) Files. Ha!
I was trying to come at this all technical explaining that this is a clear sign of his subjugated masculinity but you know what?
Malik needs to GO. SIT. DOWN.
And whoever is idiot enough to take up with him should not be surprised at what she gets.
LOL @ "Floss saves"
He has phone conversations with him yelling at his mother in the background.
"MA! Put down the phone! I'm on the phone!"
"What?"
"I'm on the phone!"
"Betta not be one of them trashy women you been trying to sneak up in here. And you need to clean your room, instead of riding that damn subway all day long."
"Ma! DANG! I'll be off in a minute! Now -where were we? Hello? Hello?"
No, I think he is like 12% away from genetically qualifying to have Down Syndrome.
He does look like he bumped his head on the evolutionary ladder.
THIS!
Here you go, MidWestDominica.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJMD5R8stRc
Are they required to wear hair nets while sorting mail at UPS? What about the double belt with attached fanny pack?
Dag...careful what you ask for. Ha ha!
A black hat for mourning no less, LOL!!
I seriously doubt he has *any* friends.
I saw this last week and I can only relate it to two things.
First, this Negroid is what happens when you allow the television to babysit your child.
Second is the "Barbie-ization" of the mainstream standard of beauty.
That standard of beauty and the repeated exposure to that image of what is supposed to be beautiful gives the weak minded the illusion that not only is that standard obtainable but that they are equally deserving of attaining a mate who meets that standard of beauty (via the easy access consumerist culture).
bwahahahahahahahahaha
not only that , when he said that he had to let the girl go because she wasnt acting right I was done. Then he came back a few weeks later and said his women have to look a certain way. Sir have you looked at/ smelled yourself lately ?
Right? With the lace veil attached.
Whatever his standard is, I don't see him attracting that to the basement. Not without a fee.
WTF? *kicks over chair* Why?
Basement... foursomes... fanny pack... mama said... gold diggers... subway... ferraris...
I can't.
I feel brain cells leaking out just reading this.
*packs duffel bag and leaves BougieLand for the day*
A girlfriend of mine always says "Every pot has its lid." Just cause that dude isn't for you (or anyone with half a brain and a modicum of common sense and self respect) doesn't mean there isn't some woman out there who would LOVE to take him home and be promisuous (LOL!) I once bought a magazine in Grand Central and a business card fell out of the magazine with a similar "request." You can read about that here: http://jaybendy.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/the-new-way-to-pick-up-a-sexual-encounter/ Apparently these kinds of ads are what's hot in the NYC streets.
You always keep me laughing! "playing video game and riding the subway" CLASSY! With is "I love NY" fanny pack. I'm going to be laughing about this all day! I heart the Bouge.
At least he's wants to practice safe sex ("willing to allow a guy to wear condoms during sex..") ....though I'm sure there's no safer sex than what he's currently having.
I sure don't have any advice for this man. This man can't be helped. I knew it was over for him when it became apparent that he's so delusional as to think a written ad posted in public places like he's tryna sell a car or find a babysitter might yield him some positive results. Ninja WHAT are you smoking?!
No, he just needs to be put away or something. We can't help him, Chele. We just can't.
It has been my experience that the men with the LEAST money are the MOST obsessed with golddiggers.
Boy, you don't have to worry about women out for cash when you live above a keys made while-u-wait place.
I quit everything, especially the fact that this idiot is going to be back in the Post in 3 months booed up and I'm still single.
Question is - is he willing to allow a woman to wear a blindfold and latex on any part of her body that may touch him. 'Cause I really don't see any other way.
I want to fight him for posting a tearaway strip ad on a payphone.
Chele, when is this year's I Love Black Men week? I'm ready for that.
Maybe he will find a fellow mouth-breather. Who wants to live in a basement. With his mother. Sharing fanny packs.
he looks like he might be arrested, not booed up...just sayin'
Please hold the door sir
[evacuates Bougieland like someone yelled fire]
I can't stay away, Chele! This is too easy. Why did your post have the blog topic "Naked don't last all day" with this? I know these can come up random, but it had me in tears!
Where was that? Lord help us!
Aw, everyday is I Love Black Men week in BougieLand, I thought you knew ;-)
Jayme - you're the professional here. What has happened in this man's life that his mindset is that he can post an ad to a pay phone with the confidence of big baller and not see what is really going on? All joking aside, does he have some stunted mental development issues? Something?!?!?
I'm almost certain this level of publicity is going to help him in his search. So having garnered this kind of national attention will probably help him find somebody. Even if the woman is just doing it for the attention herself. I'm pretty sure we'll see an article soon detailing his finds since the NY Post article. I really do believe there can be a somebody for almost anybody. The world works in mysterious ways.
ha ha ha!! i love the way you expressed this! precisely!!! he has failed indeed!
lmao - an extra in Electric Boogaloo!!!! i am FINISHED by this!! finished!!
Grown man over 40 still living with and off his mother. He wants chesty stripper type to play with but not keep - Oedipal much? Or maybe nothing more deviant than a lonely man looking for attention. How to get it? Put the most outlandish unachievable list together and post it around town. If someone answers, win. If they don't, he's right where he was. So it's not that he's confident as much as that he has absolutely nothing to lose.
what. the. *bleeeeeeeep*
*Pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL to reset* DEAD
I refuse to believe any woman would be down for that. We are gonna need video evidence...CTFU!
Wow!! Malik's planet needs to call him back home...lol Oh, I didn't know there were still payphones?
I begged you on twitter to leave this alone but nooooooo....LOL
What.Part.Of.The.Game.Is.This?
I can hear Malik's momma saying "boy have you lost your damn mind" but that's just me.
Thank God Shortstop is looking for White and Hispanic women! "What did you do, Malik?" brought tears to my eyes...hilarious.
Chele...you're such a hater. Why can't you sit back and let red/fanny/subway dude be great?
Chele...you're such a hater. Why can't you sit back and let red/fanny/subway dude be great?
Chele...you're such a hater. Why can't you sit back and let red/fanny/subway dude be great?
Not only this, he will also have several offers for a reality tvshow. Looking at his picture made my DNA shiver. I wouldn't offer this man a glass of water in the desert.
You know what? I'm going to give this guy credit. Is he delusional? Sure. Is his mind corrupted with Western standards of beauty? Of course. But he knows what he wants and he's going to see if it's out there for him. Fortune favors the bold.
You have the uncanny ability to see the silver lining. I salute you, sir.
"Turner's ad says he's seeking a blond, long-haired, "big-chested, curvy, leggy, voluptuous (NOT FAT)" woman -- or women -- age 21 to 45,"
So...basically, he wants Coco. God bless his over-reaching heart.
Alas, this is one of my fellow NYers. And trust I did not know of this until I came here. Everyone has commented well so I have nothing to add, except to say this man needs deep psychological help.
If Malik Turner is the new definition of great, then we have officially entered into the Twilight Zone.
rozb, "mouth-breather". Dead! LOL! I hate when people breath through their mouths. If you haven't finished runnin' up 15 flights of stairs, then you need only use your nostrils.
No, this Negroid is what happens when you don't use a condom, the pill, spermicide jams and jellies, the morning after pill....
This just gave me the laugh I needed this morning! I know there's someone for everyone out there, but booboo needs to adjust his expectations--and his perception of reality if he thinks "gold diggers" are checking for UPS workers living in momma's basement.
"As for the wealthy redhead/blonde busty but thin white lady with a hooker wardrobe who is looking for a fat, broke, funky black man living in his mama's basement - he is all yours."...You have summed it up.
He looks like he was the stinky boy in high school that none of the girls would talk to.
And that is why you do what you do!
Jayme PLEASE get Roz, she's killin me!!! Roz you need help! LOL
*dead*
See Grace I wasn't lookin at it from that angle! Now I'm mad, AND single! LOL
You.must.stop! LOL
All I can say is, Please stay in New York, Malik Turner. Young ladies, you have been warned! LOL
This was bad enough when I read it on the BBerry without seeing the picture. Ninja - just. go. sit. down. in. your. mama's. basement. and. don't. come. back. outside. until. you're. called. Period.
Completely losing it reading @rozb's post - balcony door open and everything!! Dead!!
Maybe he figured that if it worked for Antwoine to protect the neighborhood, his strategy was a sure-fire, can't miss winner! *Except for one thing - Malik himself*
Such a shame, but it happens not only 40 year old but 50 and over are in there mother's house, basement etc.....
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