Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Five Signs He's Cheating on You - a guest post


Today's Five Things post comes from Alisa. Take a look and show some comment love...

Okay, before I get started with this post, I just want to say it's not a good idea to be constantly checking up on your man and giving him the Spanish Inquisition for fidelity every time you see him. Excessive clinginess, jealousy and overblown suspicion have killed plenty of perfectly good relationships. A little space and trust goes a long, long way and many guys aren't nearly as dastardly as pop culture paints them to be. 

But ladies, take heed. Even though you don't have to suspect cheating at every turn, you certainly don't have to get blind-sided by your man's infidelity like so many women who like to pretend any man they love must be a saint. If you know what warning signs to look out for, you can know he's cheating long before it becomes as clear as the high-heeled shoe you found in the back seat of his car.

1.) It's a phone thing. It's uncanny how guarded people get about their cell phones when someone important could call at any minute. Ever have a bunch of resumes out and have your phone attached to your hip because you're expecting someone to call for an interview? Well, guys get just as jumpy around their phones when they're cheating. But that's not the full picture of what you need to look out for. Mainly watch for changes of behavior concerning his phone. Stuff like keeping his phone in his pocket or hand when he used to leave it on the counter, or suddenly not allowing you to touch it, even if you're just innocently asking to see some photos he took of the two of you on it. Other clues:
·         His phone history is suddenly clear all the time
·         His phone is now password-protected and he won't give you the password
·         He won't ever let you answer his phone for him or freaks out when you do
·         He goes into another room or outside to take certain calls when he used to be fine with you hearing conversations with anyone who called him
·         He suddenly won't let you see his texts
·         He ignores certain phone calls when you're in the car and he can't step out, and is vague about who it was who called

2.) He checks out around you. If your man used to be all about you and suddenly shows uncharacteristic coldness or lack of interest, it's often a sign he wants out of the relationship or he's cheating. You don't want to go overboard on suspicions right away after all, he might just be having a bad day or is depressed about something. But if he disconnects from you emotionally for a long period of time, and doesn't seem interested in talking about why, or if he seems to be distant, unhappy or bored with you, a red flag should go up. A man who ceases to be affectionate to you may be getting affection somewhere else.

3.) He's gone a lot and gets angry when you ask why. Even the most innocent questions can spark outrage or defensiveness in a cheater because they fear you might be on to them. So if you level-headedly ask if he's been working longer hours lately and he starts getting snappy, or he snaps at basic questions as to his whereabouts, a red flag should go up.  Other clues: Spending more time than usual with "the guys" or "some friends" (and you're never invited) or leaving earlier in the morning for work and staying later at work.

4.) His stories don't add up. Let's say he told you he was doing something with an old college buddy on Friday night, but then you find out through Facebook that that college buddy wasn't even in town. If he's not looking you in the eyes when you ask him what's up, it's another red flag.

5.) He suddenly starts trying to change the way he looks. If you've been with a guy for a while and he never used to care about his weight, but he's suddenly hitting the gym, a red flag should go up. Or if he used to dress more casual and now he's started dressing sharp for work every day, there just might be someone at work he's trying to impress. Of course, he may have just turned a new leaf, so look at this as one of many patterns of unusual behavior before you jump to conclusions.

By-line:
This guest post is contributed by Alisa Gilbert, who writes on the topics of bachelors degree.  She welcomes your comments at her email Id: alisagilbert599@gmail.com.

BougieLand, what do you think? Agree, disagree? Have more to add? Fellas, thoughts without betraying the brotherhood? Do share...

95 comments:

FreeBlackMan said...

Well, I'd like a list to tell the fellas when girlie is creepin' because ladies are slick with theirs.

MariSol said...

Personality changes - he was talkative, now he's not. He was open and sharing, now he's not. Sense of humor disappears. Dead giveaway.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Oh boo! The first comment from a brotha is a deflection? Color me surprised! /snark

JaymeC said...

I also tell women and men to trust their "Spidey Senses" when you have the feeling that something is wrong (unless you're the paranoid and jealous type); something usually is. Ask directly. Flat out and pay attention when the person answers. Turning into SuperSleuth is never a good look.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Agree with this list. I'll also add that he suddenly is suspicious of YOU when there have been no changes on your end. And he gets all uber-territorial. Men project their dirt onto the women they are with.

Jesse said...

If he's a three times a week hot chocolate guy and all of a sudden once a month is fine...

Man's World said...

The only thing I would say is that all of these could be signs that he's done with the relationship, not necessarily stepping out. Checked out doesn't always equal cheating.

VirtuousKween said...

I love this article and I totally agree! If he's all-of-a-sudden not showing you affection and not trying to engage in a quality conversation with you, he's definitely cheating or at least interested in someone else. Also, the cell phone thing is a good clue. If he's not trying to let you see his phone or he gets defensive when you want to see it, then he's cheating or up to no good!

Grace said...

I don't ask to see a guy's phone - that's just asking for trouble. But I will say when I say and he doesn't answer but sends a text back? That's a big problem for me.

CaliGirlED said...

It's funny you would post this as I was just thinking last night, it's not one or two things by themselves that should give you pause, but when put together, there's definitely reason to be suspicious. And at that point, you're usually right.

I know some men will probably say that she shouldn't be asking all those questions, but it's the change of now all of a sudden don't ask, or now all of a sudden the man is not so inclined to share information that he did before.

I agree with Alisa's advice, I would add to #5 that if he starts trying to suddenly, after years, change your look. "You should dress this way, fix your hair that way, shave this." You may want to question the "New You" he's trying to create because he could be trying to get you to look like "her". Again, one of these things alone, may not be a big deal, but when mixed in with a couple of other red flags, Watch.Out.

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah and we are so slick that even if we gave you a list, you still wouldn't be able to figure it out.

CaliGirlED said...

See that just confirmed my addition to #5 in my comment above! Trying to make a "new you".

CaliGirlED said...

Yep been there! I was in my first year in college and my boyfriend was a senior in high school. He had already made up in his mind that I was going to leave him for a college boy. So he became instantly suspicious of me. Fact is I was so head over heels in love with his dumb ass that I didn't even pay attention to the guys I was going to school with....So he cheated on me and told me the only reason he did is because he thought I was cheating. I'll chalk that up to immaturity (trying to be nice).

donell said...

ive always said im going to write a book "how to tell if your woman has a maintenance man: and why it's your fault if she does." (nvr mind about how i came to know this info...dont judge me.)

it's my personal belief that when a woman is cheating - it's *most* likely a case where her needs are not being met on some level at home.

for a man - no such deficiency's in a relationship are required.

of course - there are exceptions on both sides. and there are more factors that can come into play. but in the interest of keeping a long story short...that is all.

All Honey said...

Well I'm sorry Jayme, this just makes too good rational sense for me. I'd much rather activate the GPS tracker on his cell, follow his car, set a trap and hide out in a black catsuit waiting to catch him in the act...
Not that I've done that o__O

CaliGirlED said...

Yep!!!

One could also argue that maybe he's just tired. So if once a month is fine, added to any of the five listed above (or others not listed), Houston we have a problem!

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Before we break down the how to catch them, what about the why they are doing it in the first place. Hope to get Jayme's input.

I don't know about the premise that men cheat for any reason with anybody while women have to feel emotionally betrayed. People cheat because 1) They are selfish 2) They are stupid 3) They are filling a need.

As to how to catch them - the truth always comes to light...

OneChele said...

Let me think on it. I don't like to give away all the secret sauce - Ha! Just joking.

OneChele said...

Matter of fact, in a lot of ways it's that old high school "let her break up with me so I don't have to be the bad guy" thing. They become more argumentative, critical, and impatient. Not always a sign of cheating but a definite red flag that something no bueno is going on.

OneChele said...

He used to open doors, take out trash, offer to pick up things from grocery store on the way home... long story short - he feels someone else is worth the extra effort. Le Ouch!

OneChele said...

Had a former friend who talked about keeping a crowbar, pumpkin and night vision goggles handy to check on her man. Crowbar for breaking and entering, pumpkin for smashing windshield and I didn't care to know what the goggles were for. I didn't want to become an accessory after/before the fact...
#WDDDA????
Keep the crazy on lock, ladies - that's S.No.B!

OneChele said...

It's called projection and deflection and it kinda sucks.

OneChele said...

True. As Jayme suggests below - ask what's up before you jump to conclusions.

OneChele said...

That's one of my pet peeves. Unless you text me to say you are in a meeting and will call me back? Don't return a call with a text - huge no-no. Also, don't tell me you're busy and I see you posting 50-11 things on Facebook and Twitter.

OneChele said...

It's usually a combination and escalation of these behaviors that gets people caught.

OneChele said...

LOL @ the maintenance man! Let me know when the book drops;-)

OneChele said...

I once heard that sometimes there's no reason, sometimes "it just happens" - not sure I buy into that.

CaliGirlED said...

I don't buy into that. Reason or no reason, it didn't just happen.

CaliGirlED said...

I agree with 1, 2 & 3.

But I did have an ex tell me he didn't know why he cheated on women, and that he could be happy in a relationship and still cheat. Ouch!

William Martin said...

The why is important but a danger there is assigning blame. People always want there to be a villain and a victim - it's possible to have both and neither.

William Martin said...

And I need to write a book called "Even though I cheated, it's not my fault"
Long story.

William Martin said...

Yeah - slippery slope. Once you're looking at texts, then what? Voicemails? Emails? Opening their mail?

William Martin said...

You lost me a night vision goggles...

Queen of Me said...

How about finding drawers in the wash that don't belong to you?! That's a sign, wouldn't you say.
And THEN ninja tried to say they were mine, I just didn't recognize them.
Ladies, show of hands - do we not know every pair of drawers we own?!

OneChele said...

*raises hand* Uh yeah, that "you don't recognize them" argument is on par with Eddie Murphy's quote about "Who are you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?"
#FAIL

Violet Rose said...

*waves hand* Women know what belongs to them and what doesn't... when it comes to undies and men :-/

Violet Rose said...

Guest post? That's a story I'd love to hear.

FlirtyNerd said...

I noted the wording "former friend". I see why.

Troy said...

Aw hell no!

CaliGirlED said...

She can have him, it's so not worth the trouble!

CaliGirlED said...

*side-eye* Huh?

CaliGirlED said...

Neither? Then wouldn't that be an open relationship?

CaliGirlED said...

We recognize underwear that has been in the back of the drawer for years!

blackprofessor said...

Good post!

I would consider the "switch" up move a form of cheating too. I have had men approach me under the guise of being "friends". They don't do anything inappropriate on the surface but the vibe is full of romantic innuendos. When their motives and behavior are questioned, they give a "We are just friends, I am in a relationship" drill. Then months later, when the relationship ends, they wanna holler at me, the "friend". Technically, the man never stepped out but he lined up the next woman while in a relationship, which counts as cheating in my opinion.

blackprofessor said...

Dead at how ridiculous this is!

Troy said...

I don't know about #1 - I'm not about the scanning of phones. Either you trust me or you don't and if you don't, we shouldn't be together.

Javalicious said...

Yeah, no. I found pantyhose at dude's house (next to the bed?!). Not my size, not my shade. I said, "Either you're robbing banks or you're cheating - either way, I'm through."

Sweet N Tart said...

When you are really in tune with someone, you feel when the vibe is different. Doesn't take a bunch of signs to know something's off.

Sweet N Tart said...

As Chele says - I call bullshiggity!

michaeldavis said...

once a month at any point is grounds for discussion and municipal citations

Superwoman said...

A PUMPKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good lord!

Superwoman said...

not to mention where and when we bought them....

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I got the "it was [insert former female roommate's name]" Umm kneegrow, NO. She and I both wear size small. These mediums belong to whomever you brought up in here to defile my furniture. And yes, you will purchase a new bed for me.

Ty said...

Men are definitely creatures of habit...its not hard to tell that something is up. But it is hard to figure out why they ain't talking about it!

rozb said...

Kinda like "Aaaahhh! Whoops! I just fell on it and just kept humping it trying to get up." Bull. Shiggity.

CorettaJG said...

My girl did the email checking thing and, of course, found out that her man was up to no good. Isn't that why women check those things?

CorettaJG said...

I previously chalked up my experience with item number 2 as just him checking out vs cheating, but now I'm thinking...

GammasWorld said...

Welcome Guest Poster Alisa. I guess I've gotten cynical in my older years. Having been through this cheating thing I guess the only thing I can say is trust your gut. Don't try to rationalize it away unless you've been in therapy for stalking. Seriously, I think we always know when something's "just not right" but will discount our feelings for whatever reason.

rozb said...

One great sign of cheating is when he is suddenly more concerned about where you are at all times. Questions about when you are coming home from work to the minute, or calling you a lot more than usual during the day when you are out and away from him is just another way of tagging you so you can't just pop in on him in the middle of *ahem* stirring somebody else's hot chocolate.** I have been there.

**Tribute to prior Chele Hot Chocolate Topic

sugahoneyicedtea said...

I soo got a visual..

Only the Tall said...

Thank you! My intuition tells me all that I need to know. I don't have time for signs, checking this and that. I'm not Columbo.

jorgemateo said...

Kinda late to the party on this one; work has been a beast lately.

I have had the unfortunate experience of being called out on several of these things before and I am NOT a cheater. Sometimes work can be that mistress that is jeopardizing your mate's time and your mate's reaction to it can lead to distance. Even more so, feeling as if you are on trial for other's transgressions is even worse.

Yes, I agree that these signs can be harbingers of infidelities but I advise any person to check the facts before they end up trippin' while jumping to conclusions....

brownstocking said...

Also late to the party, but agreed. Your instincts tell you something. It might not be infidelity, but something is wrong, and you need to talk about it. Been there, done that, and in one case, he wasn't cheating, he'd just moved me into the "homie" category without letting me know, and in another case, yep he was cheating.

C'est la vie.

CaliGirlED said...

Once a month in my world, if you're not sick (dying), you're about to be single. Mama don't play that!

CaliGirlED said...

Exactly!

CaliGirlED said...

Had to read that one again, and yep I agree with you! I think the intent was to cheat, they just played it off when they saw that you were questioning what they were doing.

CaliGirlED said...

Heard a guy admit to this very thing. Said he would check to see where she was so that he wouldn't run into when he was "out and aboout". So.wrong.

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