I hate insects. Not a little bit, a lot. I squeal like a frightened girl when creepy crawly tiny winged things come my way. I'm not cool with it. At all. This is how I ended up almost dating the Terminix man. I have a monthly service contract to eradicate all non-human life forms from my domicile. I believe the only things living in my home should cut a check for the privilege or be invited to stay.
When I was at UT Austin I was traumatized to discover that crickets descend upon that campus like one of the plagues of Egypt. Literally waves upon waves of angry, aggressive crickets swarm in pools of light so... in front of dorms, by the parking lots, near the football stadium. Totally freaked me out. One day I invested in a huge can of Raid and began fogging my way around campus. This just seemed to make the crickets angrier.
Ever since then, I'm positive there has been a conspiracy in the Cricket Kingdom to terrorize me. They leap at me, chirp from undisclosed locations and appear out of nowhere. Think I'm kidding? This year they attempted to take over my garage. When I repelled them, they started falling out of the fireplace in my office. And this past week, it was near midnight when I had remade my bed with a glorious new purple silk comforter set, one of their minions clicked its way out of the freaking air conditioner vent and vaulted onto my bed.
I was texting at the time (to his credit, the gentleman in question offered to come over and trap and kill the beast for me). As the cricket jumped towards me, I flung the phone up in the air, screamed the house down and ran for the Raid. When I came back to the room, the cricket was perched in the middle of my bed glaring at me before he said, "What YOU gonna do?" Okay, mayhaps the cricket did not actually speak but his beady eyes were sending demonic messages my way.
First, I swung at him with the rolled up magazine I had in one hand. He jumped off the bed (missing one leg) and attempted to disappear into the draperies. This caused me to spritz Mountain-scented Raid everywhere just in case he thought I was playing. Now, it's not a good idea to spray possible carcinogens in a room with a ceiling fan blowing. I didn't know if I'd killed the cricket but I definitely gassed myself. I fled to the living room hacking and wheezing.
Then it occured to me that I didn't want to sleep in a Raid-scented room so I went back in with Fig-Mango Glade. Then, worrying about cricket germs, I got out the Anti-Bacterial Linen scent Febreeze and misted the entire bed. Okay, you are correct. It was a terrible idea to layer Linen scent on top the Fig-Mango with Mountain Scent still lingering. The room was funky and cloudy. So I turned up the ceiling fan, searched under the bed and behind the lounge chair to make sure the cricket wasn't lurking and abandoned the room. Knowing crickets are attracted to light, I turned off all the lights in my room and turned on a single light in the guest room just in case he survived and could limp his ass in there.
I huddled on the sofa until 2:00 in the morning to wait out Jiminy Cricket and allow the chemical fog to clear out. Finally, I went back into my room and did one more search before falling into bed.
You would think that's the end of the tale but NO! The next day as I sat in my office catching up on my email, I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Hopping towards the door yonder came a three-legged cricket. Ain't this b*tch? I grabbed the Hoover and ran his ass over. Take that. And tell your friends... you are not welcome here.
So, who else has creepy-crawly issues?
67 comments:
Oh my Lord! I can see you fleeing a cricket. Yes, this is one of the many things a man is useful for. Insect massacre.
I'm sorry - this story is hilarious and so totally you.
No you did NOT say "Jiminy is a LIE"!
My thing - ants. I hate their little armies.
First of all, Flava Flav is a little roachlet. You've offended crickets worldwide with that comparison and that's why they keep coming for you.
Secondly, really Chele? Really? What's the cricket going to do, chirp you to death? You do realize you're bigger than it, right?
They are evil and leap at you. They must die.
Hilarity with the multiple sprays... I'm with you on this cricket thing. Actually, all bugs. I too keep Raid handy but the Mountain scent is terrible. Might as well stick with regular.
That is so very girly of you. #noshade
We men love stuff like this. All we gotta do is kill a cricket to make your night?
Score.
Any large black bugs - roaches, waterbugs, beetles, none of that.
Sooo - you could not live in the hood, huh? Cuz all sorts of things be crawlin' in the night.
No plans to live in the hood, no.
But um, not all late night creepin' is bad...
Whole other topic - LOL!
You are cracking me up with this. You were hiding in the living room from a three-legged cricket?!
For me - No snakes, no bees, no sharks, no wasps.
Swap 'crickets' for 'nasty Kingston cockroaches', and you have me.
Ugh - any kind of roach - so nasty!
Used a whole can of spray on a spider once ... I can relate.
ha ha ha that's funny. I hate to think what you would have done if, like me, a preying mantis had decided to magically appear on my car's dash console one balmy spring night. While I was driving.
Anywho, I'm not really creeped out by bugs (I do shriek if they fly into or land on me, but running around like a fool only makes you run into more bugs #thatsFL4U). And I have no problem killing them myself.
I'm sorry Chele - you have survived illness and death in your family, a variety of relationship woes, job drama and Lord knows what else but a cricket got you shook?
BWAHAHA!
> No, this is not a post about Flava Flav. (Come on, y'all know he resembles a cricket)
#1. when you helplessly and hopelessly lose your heart and mind to a brotha that looks *exactly* like flava flav - and proceed to have tree-fo mini-me's of him - just remember u started it. #imjustsayin.
#2. crickets, like kids and dogs, can smell your fear and are thusly drawn to you, no matter where you go.
Maybe because I grew up in the country - more cows and horses than people, I am used to dealing with bugs. My pet peeve, the one that makes me break cover and run for the hills - rats, mice, and those that resemble rats, mice, opossum, nutria...
I so feel you on this. I HATE ANY crawling insect. We have an infestation of stink bugs in the MD area. One got in my car and I was too through! I ended up having to brush it out of my car w/ a piece of paper (killing them emits a musty smell).
Ants. I have been in my house 14 years and I have been fighting ants for...14 years. I can testify that you don't beat ants you can only hope to contain them.
Crickets are annoying but since we're talking UT Austin, last time I was down there - can we talk about the bats?
Chele ain't playin'...LOL "Take that. And tell your friends... you are not welcome here."
BougieSis and I shared an apartment in Austin that was built on a giant ant hill. You couldn't set down a plate without them converging. It was crazy. I left a stick of gum in a pair of jeans and they took over my closet. Ants are evil too.
Chances of #1 happening?
Put like that... well, what can i say?
Don't you hate when they refuse to die?
Girl you are bugging' - pun intended. I slay bugs, but mice & rats...
Yeah, it's out of control. Bats get into the buildings and dive at people trying to get out. Damn Alfred Hitchcock movie around that joint.
I'd bet my house against it. Not that there's anything wrong with the crickety-looking brothers. I just don't see Chele with one.
I'm not afraid of bugs, but a few years ago my neice (18 years old) had just gotten her license and wanted to drive me home. A bee came in the window, and I thought I was going to have to give the chile one of those "slaps" you give people when they are losing control....the kid was screaming and driving, and finally, she turned unto a vacant lot and told me, "We are not moving until that bug is gone!" (Baby girl is scared to death of bugs!) And then what does she do? She goes and majors in Agriculture (graduates this coming May) and her summer internship was as a "Farm agent"! Karma is a bitch; you are right Chele, bugs are evil, the bugs got her back by making her come to their territory and work with farmers for the whole summer!!!! Chirp, chirp, chirp, all summer long......Hahahaha!!!
Sir, it's my job here in BougieLand to drop the double entendre and head out.
If only it was this easy
Chele, you are playing! You need to work on your ballet flat throwing game. This is the best way to kill insects at a distance. I'm 5'4 and can't jump but I'll kill a bug on my 10 ft ceiling like it's on the floor. I hate them and won't get near them least they bite/sting/infect me with some cooties. I can't do the Raid fog, but yeah if you get your ballet flat skills up you won't have this issue again. Or we could get you one of those bee keeper suits so you can just roll up on the bugs and kill them real stealth like. #i'mjustsayin'
Feel your pain! My daughters and two of my friends hate all bugs! They say it's the scurrying motion!
For crickets, I'd suggest rigging up a bug-catcher. Get the cricket to jump in the bug-catcher like for example a garbage pail with a lid and then you can take it outside and let it free. I used to live in an old apartment building which had these multi-legged creepy crawlers and I'd use the bathroom garbage pail which they couldn't crawl out of. Swiped them in with a paper towel and then flushed them down the toilet. The most effective means of bug control if you own the place which I gather you do is to figure out how they get in and caulk or do whatever to block them. It does seem like a banner year for crickets. I've notice a lot more of them hopping around when I'm out running then I remember from previous years.
Okay so is it only the ballet flat or will a Puma or pump do? LMAO!
For a number of reasons, this amuses the hell out of me.
I am no fan of spiders. Not little itty bitty ones, not big hairy ones, or even balled-up dead ones. I will spray a whole can of Raid on one spider until it becomes a part of the foam. As for crickets - I hear them in the garage, and every now and then one gets in the house, but I can scoop it out. My Rottweiler is a sissy when it comes to crickets. Nibbles (AKA Hannibal) jumps higher than I do when it comes anywhere near him.
Flat shoes work best, that way you don't have to aim ;-)
Seriously - you are the only person who could write a post about crickets and make it amusing.
Too funny!
my friends laugh when i do the spider web dance, you know when you walk into a web you didn't know, you do the face, start jerking back, drop everything to make sure its not in your hair? I have also run every damn direction to avoid a rodent, went to a friends summer home and while cleaning out the linen closet saw one breaking for the exit, i tried to run to the door realized it was going that direction ran back the other way screaming like a banshee, jumped on the mattress forgetting that its only the box spring and fell in, which made me scream in pain and the story just keeps going, it gave everyone a story for the week.
the Puma may work, no pumps unless you want to damage something. The flexibility of the ballet flat's sole allows you to grip the back ( I prefer holding on to just inside the back of the shoe) and swing. This puts the shoe between the offending insect and your self. It also gives more control to aim if you have to actually let go of the shoe to get the bug. If it's on the ceiling, the shoe may not kill it, but will drop it to the floor so that you can do a quick stomp/squish with a paper towel.
They make my skin crawl!!!
I'm with you guys about the bugs. I roll with the Home Defense bottle w/ the extended sprayer from Home Depot!
Ok you just made my skin crawl with that one! I HATE ants!!! Had an ant problem in my house in L.A. until I started using Home Defense from Home Depot. That stuff works pretty good!
BATS?!! I would have died!
Bug Killin 101! I love it! LOL
Ok you have me over here in tears! LMAO!!!
I'm from L.A. and yes we do have bugs, but not the steroid induced kind that you find in the south!
So I'm now living in Houston, TX and no more than about a month in my new apartment I get a welcome from a member of the Texas Bug Greeting Committee. I'm in the bathroom and I see this huge thing start emerging from the drain hole in the sink. I jumped back in terror as I watched him crawl into the sink, onto the counter and then down to a corner on the wall. I ran into the closet, grabbed a Nike, back into the bathroom and started swinging. After he was dead and wrapped in a couple of paper towels in the trash can, I set on the side of the tub and the conversation between me, myself and I went something like: 'You better not cry! I want to go home! Suck it up and stop being a punk!"
Needless to say I went out the next day and got some Home Defense! LOL
I cackled through this whole post! I, too am more than a litle scared of all things creepy and crawly so i feel your pain.
It's a rare and wondrous talent - she's got us reading about crickets and wondering what Linen Scented Febreze smells lile
On Twitter, we call this a #cryptictweet
Bees - I hate them and they hate me back, I'm allergic.
She can spin a tale.
I can handle the normal-looking bugs (spiders, beetles, etc.) and the bugs that don't hop. But honey...when you mix an unusual-looking bug with hopping ability, Flirty has to call in reinforcements.
My arch enemy for life is the spricket. http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:qsWqpqOs0NhyFM:http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a292/shellyjean05/spricket.jpg&t=1
I was in my house one day and getting ready for bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied with my little eye something brown, ugly and mobile. I screamed and jumped on the bed, throwing my pillows, books and anything else I could have grabbed at it. It seemed to laugh at me as it dodged whatever I threw, and then it jumped on the bed with me. Screaming, I ran into the living room and called my Stepdad and Mom. My Mom was like "Girl, hit that thing and go to bed.", but I couldn't!! So Stepdad came over and killed it.
I couldn't sleep right for weeks. I kept seeing little sprickets everywhere I went. *sigh* Just the thought of them gives me the willies *shudders*
Don't even get me started on mice. I sincerely believe they are the devil.
No, really...they are.
See now you and I are >here< - what is that? A spider crossed with a cricket? Hell naw.
This is sooo timely @OneChele. I do not like bugs. I live in Texas now and nearly had a heart attack last week when I heard a weird clanging noise from my bedroom. Next thing I know, a cricket a hopping away from the blinds towards the bedroom door. Two thrown shoes, and lots of lysol spray later, my hands were shaking, heart was beating so hard and the blood was nearly all gone from my head. I wondered, who was going to save me? Fortunately, the cricket hopped to a corner and I sprayed enough chemical on it that I could kill it with a sneaker.
*sigh* save us from these crickets! Don't know how y'all have been living down here all this time...
remember that there is also a skill to killing an insect. You don't just smash it all over the wall/carpet/etc because it's hard to get off. and gross.
A mouse had me (age 10ish), my little brother (age 4ish) and my mother (GAW) in the middle of my bed with the phone cord stretched to the limit, callin all over L.A. lookin for my daddy to come "kill this thing"!
Haha foolish.
I am of the same mind honestly. I live in a building because that's what people do. Bugs are supposed to live in the wilderness because that's what they do. They don't see me leaning on their blade of grass when they get through with a long day of crawling and staying alive do they?
I hate spiders though. They are the most notorious offenders of the right to privacy. I don't know how many times I will be in 100% chill mode, and will glance out the corner of my eye and see a spider just chilling - like we were watching TV or facebooking together. Hate it.
LMAO. LMAO!!! I'm laughing so hard because I feel you 100%. Anything with more than 4 legs is no friend of mine. I live in baltimore, a port city, that in addition to the massive amounts of crime and despair, and rats that are larger than my miniature poodle, this charming city also happens to house giant FLYING cockroaches in the summer. I happen to live in an 18 century era mansion converted into apartments in the city, and occasionally, one of these disgusting creatures shows up in my domicile. Early this summer, I'm pretty sure I saw one in my BEDROOM, and I FREAKED. I went crazy with the Raid, spraying the entire area that I thought I saw the creature. And then I promptly grabbed my poodle, my purse, and my car keys, and drove to my sister's house on the other side of the city and crashed on her couch. did i mention this was a school night?
Def me. I just blogged about a different insect that crawled all over my doggone foot in the dark-- freaked me out.
You just cemented that UT Austin is off the grad school list.
Awww...It's a bad luck to kill a cricket.... lol
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