Friday, October 15, 2010

Five things NOT to say to your ex-SO (ever)

(Not a commentary on Drake, just a useful pic of his song cover)

So as you may have surmised... I have a bit of experience with ex-SOs. And bless their hearts, some simply don't stay gone. They check in, they show up, they text, they tweet, they call. And sometimes they say things I don't really appreciate. I recently polled a few (okay 25) people about the least favorite things they've been told after a break up by an ex-SO. We compiled quite a list. These are the top five: 

1. You're the best I ever had: Besides showing a bit of an "eww-ick" factor, it's also a completely moot point. If I was the best  you ever had does that mean you're now willing to settle for less than the best? It reflects poorly on both parties. Keep that one to yourself.

2. You made me a better man/woman: Le Sigh. I already know this. But guess what? I didn't sign up for the Boyfriend Improvement Plan. Not my role to make guys into better people, shine them up and send them out into the world. [Sure does seem to work out that way sometimes though] No, I don't find it complimentary when the next girl tells me I "trained him well." Who wants to spend time getting something damn near perfect only to have someone else enjoy the fruits of your labor? 

3. You taught me how to love: Okay umm... Don't ever say this. That's butter-knife-to-the-carotid-artery worthy. I'm just saying. [The Black 'n Bougie Blog does not endorse random stabbings to the throat with condiment utensils. Don't call me for bail money. Thank you. ~The Management]

4. There are so many things I would have done differently: This just begs the question - so why didn't you? This is either the prelude to some TapBack or a "let's try again" speech. Either way - not so good. Hindsight is 20/20.

5. You know I still love you, right? How is this helpful? Seriously, telling someone that you still love them leaving the implied but I don't want/can't/won't be with you or be what you want is kinda mean. I'd rather not hear it. In fact, I think this one might just make things worse.

What do we think BougieLand? Do you want to hear any of these? Are there other phrases that cause you to see red? Should we just create some "after-the-breakup" protocol to hand and recite like Miranda rights (at the scene of the crime)? Thoughts, comments, insights?

95 comments:

William Martin said...

I think an ex, particularly one that broke up with you, telling you that they still love you is cruel and unusual punishment. The feelings are the hardest thing to get past so someone telling me that those are still there is kinda cold.

rozb said...

Nah...just sayin'...But it would be the perfect end to somebody coming up to you all oily and stuff. Just a thought...

jake said...

Timely post. Last night (morning) 2:37 am cell phone rings and rings and rings. So many times I thought it was an emergency. I answer to hear a voice say "Do you miss me?"
Terrible TapBack and not worth the drama.

Mykeia said...

Wow. I would like to say more but I'm just stunned. Wow.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I so agree with your list. And I'll add my rage-inducing line: "I don't have any regrets, it was a learning experience." WTF? That's something you say to yourself or your friends as you work through whatever you need to work through. Saying I was a "learning experience" is BS, since said experience didn't involve you learning how to be faithful, supportive, uncritical, and secure enough in yourself that you didn't have to compete with me on the TINIEST things (I mean, he wanted to race me on a beach. Seriously.)

I think post breakup protocol should be the following:

1. No children, no marriage, no established friendship: Act as if you're strangers.
2. Children and/or marriage: Act like mature adults to resolve everything legally and then behave civilly towards each other. If you were friends, take a breather, and then continue being friends after a short time. If you weren't, take a breather, and then have a cordial "Hi-Bye!" relationship in regards to each other and a mature relationship in regards to your other obligations.

But personally, I like Miranda from Sex and the City. "We broke up. I need you to not exist!" LOL

ConvertingMe said...

How about getting a music montage of crappy love songs at every email address you have work, personal, business, etc? Including this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEsDYaEkgSM

Sarah said...

I tried staying friends with the first three ex-SOs up until around a decade ago when the 2nd one called me to say he was getting married. He was the one I wanted to marry, have a family with and all that. I couldn't figure out why I was putting myself in a situation that just kept hurting. I think now if I ran into any of the first three, I'd be fine: polite chit-chat and then good-bye. I'm in a self-imposed witness protection program from the 4th and hope not to see him again ever. I honestly don't know how you can continue to deal with your EXs, Chele. It seems like the emotional static would be a distraction and an impediment to moving forward.

CaliGirlED said...

You should have went in the kitchen and made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

CaliGirlED said...

"My life means nothing with out you" STFU! Clearly it meant nothing with me or you wouldn't have been doing every chick (in my same apartment complex) on your lunch break...Oh my! AGREED!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Damnit Roz!!! I had food in my mouth and almost choked!

CaliGirlED said...

"somebody coming up to you all oily and stuff"

*dead*

CaliGirlED said...

"Cut b*tch stay cut."...Only Riley.

"Do you dig around in the trash to pull out garbage and put it back in your house?"...Hmmm, well put!

All Honey said...

That is doing the MOST!

CaliGirlED said...

Ok now I have that head tilted to the side look dogs give, and I'm saying "HUH?"

All Honey said...

A good reason to learn Tae Kwon Do.

All Honey said...

Tacky!

CaliGirlED said...

Should've went all in! (Rudolph, you sure you want to play these reindeer games?)

All Honey said...

Let's start over? Wipe the slate clean? Can we just go back to when it was good between us?
(I have a million of these)

CaliGirlED said...

Oh my!

CaliGirlED said...

Let's stay friends. For what?...We can be cordial.

All Honey said...

wait a minute - we might have dated the same dude. Are you in the LA area?
Just saying - sounds familiar.

All Honey said...

I was told "We never got to have that break-up sex"
And we never will....

Steve said...

The sobbing "But I still love you!" thing is painful for everybody - it should be avoided at all costs. If we love each but we aren't together, something really bad, sad, or tragic went down. Let's leave it at that.

streetz said...

"No, I don't find it complimentary when the next girl tells me I "trained him well." "

An ex said this to me once. i thought in my head "You trained me well enough to know when to abandon ship on your @SS!!"

Good post!

Steve said...

Chele - side-eye on the training of the boyfriends. Really?

OneChele said...

Well Steve, I could lie to you and pretend like we don't when we do. But that's human nature to try and "show" someone that you are in a relationship the things you like. I don't mean train as in sit, rollover, obey.

Haven't you ever provided constructive feedback (bougie euphemism for trained) to a female you were in a relationship with?

CaliGirlED said...

There's always an exception to the rule. Good for you!

OneChele said...

I am not touching any part of that. Carry on.

Violet Rose said...

Jayme - it's this right here! OMG!
This is an Oprah A-ha! moment....
it's not even about me.

JaymeC said...

With some people, it's not even so much that they want you back but that
1) They don't anyone else to have you
2) They can't stand for you to be happy with someone else
3) They need the validation that what you had was good and memorable

Violet Rose said...

LOL!

Violet Rose said...

Raw but real.

Nicole G said...

Apparently engagement brings out the worst in people y'all. Another ex S.O. asked for an invite to the wedding. I thought he was joking until he insisted.

Dude, um, like hell naw. We are on amicable terms but not THAT friendly......

Nicole G said...

Church! Taberancle! Mosque! Mandir and Amen!! I deifintely think that was the case with the Nigerian (see comment below) I think he felt that he was the best I could get and could not stand to see that I was with a guy with as much credentials as he.

rozb said...

Sounded like drunk dialing. Never a good idea. Don't drink and drive, don't drink and date, and don't drink and dial. When you do, phone calls at 2:37 am are bound to happen.

Mickmicki said...

One of my exes asked to be friends. I thought he was just being nice. Imagine my surprise when that so and so called me for relationship advice SIX MONTHS after we broke up. He wanted to know how he could love someone that didn't want to be loved. BOY, BYE! Wack azz m.f.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Rudolph, you sure you want to play these reindeer games?"
Lord, you can take me now...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

House rule. Any call at that time of night better involve bail money or a hospital, and you should probably be calling someone else. SMH!

SingLikeSassy said...

I'm with Riley. Why stay in contact with someone who doesn't want me?

And the craziest thing I had an ex say to try and win me back is this: You ain't never been a ho.

Superwoman said...

whaaaaaaaaaaatttt????? what kind of kind is this fellow??? he"s really letting down the african side, making us look like lunatics!!!!!

Suebhoney1125 said...

I am actually friends with all of my ex SO's. Have I gotten some of the same lines-yes, But when it's said I bust out laughing in their face, practically rolling around on the floor like I just saw Katt Williams in concert. It pisses them off so bad that they dare not mention anything like that again.

Mykeia said...

Again, wow. I'm just dead laughing right now. Wow. Nuff said...

CaliGirlED said...

All that "hindsight is 20/20" ish makes me want to vomit! Don't tell me all that now! GTFOH!!!

*slams the door and walks out*

CaliGirlED said...

If you can recall all the places you ate in two years (short of a great restaurant), that's bad all in itself!

Rob said...

How about "I never should've let you go"
Yessss... but you did and therefore *CLICK* (as Chele likes to say)
Deuces!

MariSol said...

"I think we can be friends now" is what my ex called to tell me.
I said Verdad? (For real?) Where's the $2000 you owe me - that could buy my friendship.
Funny, all of a sudden he remembered somewhere he had to be.

Cassie said...

Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some shiggity in it -
"My life means nothing with out you" STFU! Clearly it meant nothing with me or you wouldn't have been doing every chick (in my same apartment complex) on your lunch break.
Chele, don't get me started. The best thing an ex can say to me is I'm sorry and have a good life.

rozb said...

So very true!

Liselle said...

LMAO! Not the random stabbings!
Tempting though... very tempting.
Here's my contribution to the list "No one has ever made me feel the things you made me feel"
Like you said Chele, how is that relevant or useful now?

thinklikeRiley said...

See now, here's where you bougie folk go wrong.
I don't talk to exes.
Cut b*tch stay cut.
No text, no driveby, no email, no tweet. No TapBack. I prefer that new-new.
Do you dig around in the trash to pull out garbage and put it back in your house?
No?
Neither do I.
Riley out.

Gods_Man said...

I know that this will probably sound juvenile but I have a no contact policy with all my ex-SO's. My bride used to tease me about it when we were dating but this has ensured very little drama in our world.

rozb said...

"Do you dig around in the trash to pull out garbage and put it back in your house?"

Very well-put, Riley...I like that analogy.

rozb said...

When they say this you should taze him and then ask if anyone ever made him feel that...

cocoaeyecandy said...

The worst thing an ex can say to me? "I want you back"

OneChele said...

Not juvenile at all. Great policy.

OneChele said...

That's got a bit of an eww/ick factor as well

OneChele said...

I like the rap opening ;-)

OneChele said...

With a gift card in it.

Steve said...

*shuffles feet* Fine. But directing someone's uh intimate endeavors is one thing. Telling them how to dress and when to put the toilet seat down is something else.

Steve said...

*shuffles feet* Fine. But directing someone's uh intimate endeavors is one thing. Telling them how to dress and when to put the toilet seat down is something else.

CaliGirlED said...

She thought the bait was good...

GammasWorld said...

Girl you know how I feel about that "you were the best woman I ever had" crap. Every.Last.SO.Has.Said.This.Ish.To.Me. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do with that info? Go nanana-boo-boo I told you?

GammasWorld said...

And don't drunk tweet either ... had a particularly bad day a couple of weeks ago. Announced #DrunkTweets coming and was scared to look at my timeline the next day. Fortunately, I went the music route and blipped all night LOL.

maureen palmer said...

5. *raising hands* guilty as charged. I once told an ex that as I was breaking the relationship and he had a choice of word that I can't repeat here.

Tonda Williams said...

In the lobby of the courthouse, immediately after the judge issued final divorce decree (after 12 years of marriage), my ex-husband says: "You wanna go out to dinner?" My attorney (who is also my cousin) looks at him and says...."You are a single man and she is a single woman. You are no longer a couple"

drum roll please.......Ex-husband said:

"I just wanted us to start over. I'd marry her again" .....

I had NO WORDS...I just walked away and it took me 5 years to be okay. The year my father died, we became friends...

OneChele said...

Aw but HELL naw!

rozb said...

Wow. Just...wow. Did you hear crickets when he said that?

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

As a general rule, i find small talk abhorrent. You know when small talk is useful?

Exes. Love Talking small to exes. Assuming they even wanna do that. Cause chances are..THATS cool also.

If it aint about kids...it aint about _____. Thats how my conversations with my exes go.

rozb said...

How about "Do you think that maybe we could...you know...for old times sake?"

Do not quote an old Freddie Jackson song to me, and no we cannot.

Or reminiscing about good old times, especially when they remember it differently from when it happened. No - we did not eat out all the time. In two years we hit a Chinese food buffet twice and Mexican on your birthday, and that ended badly. Glad that happened in my younger, more naive days - my twenties were funny as hell.

Michele said...

My ex-husband recently told me that I made him a better person. I told him to have his GF send me a thank you card. Idiot.

OneChele said...

Excellent point.

OneChele said...

Oooo - Two Grand! Es muy malo!
How'd he have nerve to call? Did he think you FORGOT?

OneChele said...

Often Miranda made the most sense :-)

OneChele said...

Had one (on his way out the door) ask "One for the Road?"

Nicole G said...

This one will top the cake. When I bumped into my ex-S.O. (a Nigerian), upon seeing my freshly minted engagement ring proceeded to ask the following So-Not-Bougie questions in the following order:

1. "Is that real gold?"
2. "Are they real diamonds?"
3. "Can I have it?"

WDDDA? Apparently being an optmetrist did not do shiggity for his eyesight.

Nicole G said...

Oh and I left out the crowning glory of So-Not-Bougie questions

"Did he buy that (said engagement ring) for you?"

Jason P said...

How about the ex-girl walked up to me with the next girl and asked me "Is she better than me? Does she make you happy like I did?" And a slew of other completely inappropriate questions.

C'mon! There's no way to answer that without REALLY hurting her feelings. I just said "You take care. Good to see you."

Diana said...

Here we go - "So I guess you found one to marry you this time, huh?"
Boy bye.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

"I always thought it would be you and me" <- stating the obvious much? But since it's not, let's just not discuss it.

baileyqc said...

As Chele says - that's slapworthy.

baileyqc said...

CAN HE HAVE IT?? Aw hell no.

rozb said...

As if you were doling it out like beer on tap. What a rube...

GrownAzzMan said...

"The toughest thing to learn is which bridges to cross and which bridges to burn" -- Author Unknown
My relationship philosophy is to do everything possible to make it work WHILE YOU ARE TOGETHER!
If that fails, I believe in closing doors. No, "lets stay friends". No tap back. We are done? OK, have a nice life. Therefore I rarely communicate with es-so's. One thing I have heard and can't understand is #5. Not.A.Good.Look
My ex-wife went to lunch with a mutual friend shortly after our divorce became final and told her that she regretted the decision to get a divorce and still loved me. Really? You get that now? SMH!

Lady4Real said...

Who wants to spend time getting something damn near perfect only to have someone else enjoy the fruits of your labor?
My husband felt like this when we broke up. Its a bittersweet thing to him, he spent years getting me to do my hair, wear nicer clothes, helping me to take pride in myself and seeing the beauty within and then out of nowhere I dumped him. It wasn't out of nowhere, we were young, mistakes were made, curiosities were perked and I broke up with him. I went out into the world with my new hair, nicer clothes and pride in myself and moved on to the next one. The grass was not greener on the other side though, 9 years away and when the opportunity presented itself I opened the door as wide as I could and got my man back. He thinks about what I did during those 9 years, I try not to think about what he was doing for those 9 years but I do know that he was the best I ever had and I went back to get him and he was waiting. Now we are married and vow to never leave each other again.He got the fruits of his labor afterall.

GrownAzzMan said...

Cali, you need to quit holding back...LOL

baileyqc said...

What really makes me angry is that some exes don't see that it's not about them. It's about me. So you screaming at me "I'll do anything to get you back" just tells me that you still don't get it.

GrownAzzMan said...

Angry much?

GrownAzzMan said...

"I don't talk to exes.
Cut b*tch stay cut."
Riley is the hip-hop version of my relationship philosophy...LOL

Lady4Real said...

Married with no kids refer to rule one, that what I did. My ex-husband and I act like we never knew each other, were never married, and never met. In fact he has no way of contacting me, I changed my phone number, my address, my email and blocked him from all my social networks so I am a ghost to him. I even make sure not to hang out anywhere that he may hang out. The rest of my exes I have no contact with and like it that way.

Tonda Williams said...

GIRL-I heard the theme from "Twilight Zone".....especially since I tried for 4 years to get him to go to counseling.....

yardiechickie said...

"Can I have it?" Crazy Ninja say WHAT?!

YardieChicie said...

No, he bought it for some other chick and you're jut giving it a test drive. >.>

Seriously, wtf was he thinking with those questions?!

YardieChicie said...

*head desk* Jesus wept. >.<

CorettaJG said...

Number 5 is not worth the breath it takes to say it. They should just keep it to themselves.

CaliGirlED said...

Like you really wanted to relive that hell again!

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