Thursday, October 14, 2010

Celebration of... Divorce?

Blogger's Note: This post was penned with full permission of BougieYoungerBro (ByB).

After fifteen plus years of marriage and five (5!) kids, BougieYoungerBro officially divorced from his wife Wednesday. And while I understand that the breaking apart of a family is in so many ways tragic, a part of me couldn't help but want to Snoopy-dance around the room waving champagne. Even typing that, I feel a little terrible... but let me explain.

Misery is not pretty and there comes a certain point in time in a relationship where the two people are just so damn unhappy that they are making everybody around them unhappy as well. It's like a toxic cloud of inescapable misery.

My younger brother was always the smartest of the four of us (bookwise anyway) and had a naturally sunny disposition that used to drive me crazy since I'm known for random bouts of moodiness. When I came back from California six years ago; my happy-go-lucky, the-world-is-my-theme-park, life-is-what-you-make-of-it brother was gone. In his place? Same wit. Same charm. Same quirky sense of humor. But Bro was salty. Tart about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. He poured his joy into his kids and worked 21 out of 24 hours in a day to support them and a woman who had decided to do well... nothing.

I'm not going to spend any time trashing talking about my former sister-in-law. But I will say that she is responsible for my ONLY public display of non-bougie behavior in the last ten years. I stood in the middle of a front yard swearing, screaming and spewing profanity that I didn't even know I knew... at her. And then I vowed to never utter another word to her while my life lasts. I don't know if I'll be able to keep that vow but I think it's better for the world at large if I do. [Think Nuclear Holocaust type rage]

Growing up, it was me and ByB. The older two fled the nest and it was us against the world. To say we were close was a huge understatement. So it pained me to see him trying like hell to keep a very broken relationship together. Long story short, the woman he picked to be his wife was not an asset, a helpmate, or a team player. Since he was the only one holding up the foundation, when he tired - the whole house crumbled and it was a sharp steep downhill slide from there. 

So I'll continue to make sure the kids get what they need and be the best Aunt possible (I really rock at it). I absolutely adore those kids and clearly they didn't ask for this hand to be dealt. But I can't help but be relieved that at least this particular season is done. The divorce is no longer a threat or a possibility, it's a done deal.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Maybe that's why I feel celebratory  - because we're in the season of healing now. He can move forward and pick up the pieces and embrace what's ahead instead of dwelling on what's past. Just finished talking to him, he is drinking beer and watching The Wire. Even though this has been a long process in the making, it's going to take time for him to turn the corner. But he told me I was allowed to dance and drink champagne for him until he's ready to celebrate with me.

I always thought it was cliché when people would say of a divorce, "It was for the best." But tonight ByB said just that, "It's kinda tragic but for the best. We'll probably be better people apart." BougieMom who is the world's biggest advocate for marriage even said, "Well, maybe they can start to heal now."

BougieLand, what do you think? Is it wrong to celebrate divorce? Do you think there's such a thing as a "good" divorce? For our divorced folks out there - amicable or no? What advice would you give someone newly divorced? Random thoughts? General comments? Wise insights? The floor is yours...

73 comments:

Tunde said...

hmmm i understand your brother's pain.

"Misery is not pretty and there comes a certain point in time in a relationship where the two people are just so damn unhappy that they are making everybody around them unhappy as well."

this was my parents in 2002. after 20+ years of marriage and 5 children my parents decided to get divorced. i think i was happier than they were. me being 20 and already away at college it really didn't effect me like it would have if i was younger but my parents were so unhappy together and you could tell they stayed together for the sake of us. i don't think that was the best course of action in their situation.

michaeldavis said...

It can be tough; when you are both working toward a common goal and your spouse decides she wants to get off the train and go her own, completely different direction - it sucks.

What I have learned is that while I don't miss her or her mean-as-a-snake-tendencies one bit, I miss the things we used to do together. Do you know how hard it is to find a woman who likes 30 Rock, Mad Men, neo-soul, red kool-aid and can make an off-the-hook piece of fried chicken?

We didn't have any kids, so maybe my view is different. And as you find out so much more that was going on behind the scenes as the divorce plays out... I am so glad she decided to step while I am somewhat young and can still find that great woman that is out there somewhere.

In my case, it was to be celebrated. And I did just that with my best friend and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Rose'

Only The Tall said...

Your child is wise beyond his years, must be the company he keeps. Somebody's doing a great job parenting. Oh! Someone get this child his own show!

Only The Tall said...

I loved "Daddy, you need to live somewhere else." Uh wow! Love this kid.

Michele said...

I've been divorced for almost nine years and I do not believe it is something to celebrate. It's a horrible thing to have to endure. And while I will admit that it was "for the best" for everyone (my ex, me and the kids) it was still a heart-breaking experience. You spend years working toward building a perfect life together only to find out that perfect life will never exist and probably never did. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and I know how naive that sounds, but that's how I feel. It's true that some people just should not be together. My ex-husband and I are definitely those two people. We were NOT meant to be but because I believed that love should conquer all ... we got hitched, and unhitched and re-hitched and finally I walked away from that mess.

Ms_Toni said...

I've been divorced for a little over a year now. Yes, it should be celebrated. Yes, it is a painful process. Anyone who's divorced knows that this is not where we wished to be. We all have dreams of find that perfect person we're meant to be with and to be married happily ever after. Looking back, we both see what we did wrong, how we could have tried harder. But we don't live in the misery that was created by the situation. We get along great; our daughter knows she's loved by both parents. We can talk to each other without animosity and can be happy for each others accomplishments. I have no issue letting people know that at one time I was happily married, now I'm happily divorced and I'm happily moving forward. I still am loved by God and my daughter and that's enough for me!

Monique said...

While I don't feel either way about the situation, I do think tht if you have removed yourself from something that isn't healthy and are finally getting back to you, that is grounds to celebrate self-discovery. Divorce is hard (never been through it though) but to be an outsider looking in, nothing is more painful than to watch someone slip into the black hole of un-happily matrimony and remain forever.

Kimistry101 said...

I have yet to meet my future-ex husband. But yes, I can see someone celebrating a divorce.

baileyqc said...

Well, I've never been married or divorced but I recall with all intensity my parents'. It was vicious and ugly and all we wanted was for it to be over. So that we could decide what to do next. My mother was changed after that but in the long run for the better. My relationship with my father has never been fully repaired. So celebrate? No. Amicable? No. But for the best, I think so.

FreeBlackMan said...

Chele - go ahead and queue up Usher's Papers for me up in here please...
*rubs hands together* Now we're on MY topic!
Note the avatar with hands reaching up in celebration? Note the screen name FREE Black Man? I don't mean that in the socio-economic post-Civil War state of humanity sort of way. No no. I mean free of marriage! AMEN.
Okay, I picked poorly but Mary, Martha and Joseph - did I really deserve the four years of hell on EARTH I went through after that? Heckie naw.
I agree with Dr Jayme in the comments. We had to nuke that ish for survival.
So can you celebrate? Yes ma'am. Sheeeeeit - I partied like it was 1999 round this jawn, believe dat.
Amicable? (Bougie word for did everybody play nice?) Hell no. To the newly divorced I say - Once you get your hand out of the lion's mouth - don't put it back in!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6V4AmO17Xs

JaymeC said...

Well here's the thing. Sometimes marriage turns into war and the only way to end the war is by dropping the nuke and blasting everything to bits - that's divorce. Do we celebrate the annihilation of everything? No. But we celebrate (as you said) that the war is ever and that we can move towards some semblance of peace. Celebrate the survivors.

Great piece, Chele. Thank your brother for allowing you to share. I wish him and the kids the best.

Andrea M said...

I don't know that I celebrated my divorce as much as accepted it and moved on. We did not have kids so I completely closed the chapter and pretty much act like it never happened. It was only an eighteen month marriage with no kids or property so in that way it was "easy" but like "Dude" said below, now it's something I have to be labeled. Like Black, Female, Over 30, Divorced.
It's not easy. But looking back, you know what? I should've popped the top on some bubbly in the courtroom and Dougied my way out of the courthouse.

OnlyMe said...

Very few people go into a marriage thinking I hope this shit fails.
So when it does (especially when you don't see it coming) it's devastating.
I can't say I celebrated my divorce. I survived it.
But then again, for my best friend's divorce we spend a four day weekend in Vegas. Dressed in red the whole time and partied our divorced butts off. That's all I can say about that. You know the rule. What happens in Vegas...

Chad said...

I like this analogy. I'm in the middle of a divorce now and yes, the marriage had just turned into a war were the injuries and casualties kept piling up. We tried but never had kids, I consider that a blessing in hindsight. One day I plan to look back with calm acceptance. I'm not there yet. Chele is a friend of mine (and the ex wife) from her Cali days so I'll expect her to lift a glass of something stronger than champagne when this whole thing reaches it's inevitable conclusion.

CaliGirlED said...

I've never been married but I lived through divorce as a child and don't know all the details of the ugliness. But I knew enough details of the ugliness of the marriage that at about age 8ish I started praying to God that my parents would get a divorce. A lot of people say stay together for the kids, but I say stay together if you love and like each other. Otherwise, everyone involved in your life shares in the misery to some extent, but mostly the children.

Celebrating a divorce? Even though it's sad that marriages have to come to an end, in most cases celebrations are definitely in order!

*raises a glass to BougieYoungerBro* I hope his spirits are lifted soon so that he can join in!

CaliGirlED said...

Wow now your name and avatar takes on a whole new meaning! Congratulations on your freedom!

BB Waite said...

I love my husband, I surely do. But if it all falls apart tomorrow, I do want to feel that I can put the pieces back together and eventually celebrate, as you say Chele, the new season. It is quite biblical the whole ideal of passing through a storm or a dark night and making it on through to that sunny morning. Prayers up for ByB (and those cute, precious kids) that the clouds subside and the sun shines on his spirit sooner rather than later.

Mykeia said...

Dang...that serious?

Leon X said...

*Cues up Marvin Gaye's Here, My Dear*

A lot of what you speak of in this post goes back to the BnB podcast about getting some happy on 10/13. A number of my friends who got married 10+ years ago with the best intentions are on their second marriage. Perhaps Marvin had a point when he said to say "I'll try" instead of saying "I do."

MochaDudeSpeaks said...

BB, Babykins- do we need to chat when I get home?
If it all falls apart tomorrow? What do YOU have planned for the weekend?

sweetserenity said...

I've been divorced for 4 years and it's the best thing I could have done. When I finally decided to leave my husband, I felt like a weight had been lifted.

OneChele said...

Thanks for delurking and sharing this personal story - wow!

OneChele said...

I appreciate everyone sharing their stories, I really do!

OneChele said...

YouTube? Red Pump Weekend in Vegas? "Hangover- now it's the ladies' turn?"

OneChele said...

Lawd - not the Papers!?!

CorettaJG said...

I've been divorced for three years and I do not think it is something to celebrate. At all. I'm pro-marriage and could never have imagined being someone's ex-wife (thank God we didn't have kids in the middle of the mess). When I took my vows, I really meant to death do us part. He and I are amicable now. We've had that conversation about how things could have been different if we had done things differently. Seeing the direction that he's taken since the divorce, I cannot imagine being married to him now. However, I regret that it even came to this point. Our choices got us to the brink and then he decided to eject instead of getting into the real "work" of marriage.

In my opinon, many people do not take their marriage vows and commitment seriously. We get married before really having gone through seasons with a person. We often divorce because we feel unhappy or are no longer "in love" with a person. We choose a permanent fix for a temporary problem. We don't get serious enough about fighting for our marriages. I don't believe the vast majority of people are getting divorced because of infidelity or abuse. It's usually because they are unhappy for a variety of reasons and they don't want to stick around anymore because it doesn't feel good to be unhappy. However, people don't stay married for decades without going through something. My parents have been married almost 40 years. They've been through. Not only the forming and norming of creating the teamwork that makes the dream work, but things like the tragic death of two children. They've chosen to make it work. They've chosen to commit to divorce not being an option.

While I am happy when people recover from a divorce (it really is like a death) and go on to happy, fulfilled lives. I cannot celebrate a divorce. The whole premise is simply too sad and too serious.

GrownAzzMan said...

This right here ---> "The biggest drawback is having to explain it. Many times you've stated your frustration with people asking you "Why are you single?" Try telling people you are divorced. They don't know whether to be sympathetic or congratulatory. And they seem to want to ask - What happened? And women ALWAYS assume that I got divorced because I cheated. Part of me resents having to explain "my side".

I could not agree with this more. I will save the rest for my own post.

DivorcingDebt said...

I'm in the midst of a divorce now after 14 yrs of marriage. We're trying our best to work though the legal issues and I've long since moved past the emotional issues. There was no fighting, screaming, calling of names, there was simply a point in which I grew completely physically and emotionally exhausted by the relationship and simply asked for a divorce. I don't plan to "celebrate" the actual finality of the divorce but I will say that I'm celebrating each and every day in small ways that I owned my power to change something that no longer felt right for me.

GrownAzzMan said...

I like that analogy.

Lady4Real said...

Well fellow BnB’ers I must also step to the mic and share my story. Chele and ByB are my cousins, whom I love so very much. BougieMom is my BougieAunt and she talked to me many a time before I bit the bullet and called it quits with my now ex-husband.

You should not marry someone because you are bored, feel sorry for them, want to rebel, and you hardly know them. I say all of this from experience. My ex and I met online, I was heartbroken and running from the realities of life and he was a nice getaway. We dated for 2 months and then he nonchalantly asked me to marry him, I thought to myself that I had nothing better to do, sure, why not? This is why not; we got engaged and barely a year later we were married. I didn’t know jack about him, his family or his values (all of which were jacked up and a nightmare). I worked to support us, for awhile I worked two jobs. I already had two small children from previous relationships and he wasn’t the best role model for them, he treated them well but he didn’t teach them good things. I spent 6 years in a relationship with him, 1 year engaged, 5 years married. Within the first 6 months of the marriage I wanted out, he was abusive, verbally, mentally and emotionally. He brought out the worst parts of me. I was so angry all the time, fighting depression all the time and constantly hoping for a change to come, it didn’t. He cheated on me, stole from me, lied to me and neglected me. I coped by going to church, going to school, and playing with my children. I had very few people that I could talk to, and very few people that I trusted. In the last year of our marriage I strengthened my friendship with my oldest sons dad and my marriage got worse and worse. The lies kept coming, the stealing got worse and finally he physically and emotionally hurt one of my children, that was the end. I kicked him out of my house, offered to go to counseling, went to counseling by myself, started talking to people to get good advice and the end result was our divorce. I changed the locks, my cell phone, blocked him from my email, facebook, myspace, and twitter.

In July I married my oldest sons dad and have never felt better. He is my best friend, my other half and my helpmate.(We have known each other since we were in the 3rd grade, we are now both 27) I can’t imagine a divorce with him, because we talk, we talk until the problem is fixed or until we can come to an agreement. We understand temporary problems and work through them. We may not always feel “in love” but we always have love for each other. We are serious about fighting for our relationship, because before our marriage is our friendship and we fight for our friendship everyday, which makes our marriage easier.

I got divorced because of infidelity and abuse, because I was willing to forgive the infidelity and abuse but he wasn’t willing to stop and at that point I had to go before he killed me. I killed our marriage so I could live and that is definitely cause for celebration. So needless to say, it wasn’t amicable, I like to act like he never existed and the marriage never happened and I live my life now with so much more joy, peace and comfort.
(sorry that my comment is probably longer then the orginal post)

OneChele said...

No apologies necessary, thanks for sharing. So glad you're in a better place.

OneChele said...

Y'all got me all misty eyed with some of these tales... whew!

OneChele said...

Alright then! Great insight - thank you!

OneChele said...

I appreciate the sharing!

Sarah said...

I hope your younger brother gets some of his sparkle back. I know those kids will be well looked after with all of you around them. Reading the comments makes me want to wish everybody a big hug.

derek love said...

I do wonder and I'm not throwing shade, just curious about couple you hear that have been married for 50 years. They are are 80 years old and getting divorced - that baffles me.

rozb said...

I have never been married (about to turn 46 in a couple of weeks), so my opinion may not have as much shine due to lack of marital experience. However, I do know about starting over without a S.O., and keeping it sane. Rather than thinking of it as a celebration, think of it as an anticipated transition to a different life and way of thinking and doing. If you didn't try new things because of being part of an incompatible couple, then get out there and do it. Crack the glass on the bucket list and start planning your new life. Eat crackers in bed. Sit in his/her favorite chair, or take over the whole bed! No matter how you broke up, I feel that the sting is lessened and the bitterness can be alleviated if you can do well without "the old ball and chain".

It is never a good look to be sour and hateful, or filled with vengeful thoughts (a la Jazmine Sullivan). Smashing up ish may even feel really good for a moment, or revenge/rebound sex with someone your S.O. hates might even seem like a great idea at the time, but I can almost guarantee a feeling of buyer's remorse soon after the act. Look good, feel good, and you will be good.

Just my two cents...

rozb said...

You are awesome for sharing your story. Blessings to you and your new married life!

GrownAzzMan said...

I am divorced. Twice. I don't write those words with any joy and held no celebrations either time. I have no problem with someone who does it just wasn't what I was feeling. For me the real concern was how it affected the others in my life.
In my first marriage, we didn't have any children together but she had a daughter from a previous marriage who I became very close to. You could have stabbed me in the heart when that 9 year-old asked me, "if you love us why are you leaving me?" She is in her thirties now and we have no contact. That doesn't stop me from wondering about her though.
In marriage #2 we had 1 daughter together who was 3 when we split. I was determined not to repeat what had happened previously and fought the long fight for joint custody which we still have. Didn't want to be a weekend dad so we alternate weeks. She is 15 now and very independent but you should have seen me doing her hair at age 3-7...LOL
Someone said that we never plan to end up divorced and I can say for sure that is true. For many of us it ends up being a fact of life and the only thing to do is keep moving forward.

I Am Me said...

Let me tell my little divorce story. Me and the former Mrs. Me were in love right up until we were not. And then we got mad at each other that neither felt (or acted) the same way. We fought dirty, indiscretions and tomfoolery all the way around. And then one morning as we were both tipping in the house at 3am we decided to just stop doing this to each other. We just admitted the mistake, hashed it out amongst ourselves and walked away with some civility. The papers were a formality. We actually went out that night and celebrated together.
So yes celebrate if that's what you feel. We got to an amicable place. And yes, this divorce is good.

Hidi said...

Wow. Just listening to everyone's story makes me sad and happy. You really don't know someone's past experiences. As for me, I have never been married, but I'll give my 5 cents anyway. No, it is not wrong to celebrate divorce because I think he/she is celebrating triumph. I believe if you are in an abuse and/or unhealthy relationship, then you should exit pronto.

To ByB: I wish the best for you and your kids. :)

Jesse said...

I thought he was talking about a whole other kind of free too. Wow.

Jesse said...

These stories... whoa. Not to kiss ass but days like today are why I read this blog. The funny stuff and the date stuff are great but days like today teach me something. For instance two stories below completely explain why it was a great thing that I let the last relationship go. We had started talking about marriage but we hadn't discussed a whole lot of the dealbreakers people ran into. Eye opening food for thought. What a great community of support and learning BougieLand is.

Sasha in Stilettos said...

Agreed! Not saying I won't wind up in the same situations but maybe I'll be able to keep an eye out when I see the iceberg coming my way

William Martin said...

I have the whole North Wing of the hospital huddled around the laptop reading this. Got folks all teary.Thanks to everyone who shared and to Chele (and ByB) for introducing the topic.

GammasWorld said...

Gamma hugs to ByB.

Debs said...

Great posting today (and what I needed to read)...I'm going through an awful divorce right now, and I have to keep telling myself that this is just a temporary season that I'm going through. I don't think it's great to celebrate a divorce necessarily, but celebrating the end of a chapter, and what there is to look forward to is valid. And I'll admit I have a bottle of perrier jouet in the fridge for when I can finally put all this behind me.

maureen palmer said...

Exact reason why I come to BougieLand, one day we are talking "Hot Chocolate" the next day we are in relationship 101

blackprofessor said...

Peace, healing and blessings to your brother, niece, nephew and former sister-in-law. I have known many people to get divorced and even if it is for the best, it still hurts and requires compassion.

maureen palmer said...

Wow, that is very nice.
"if it all falls apart tomorrow? What do YOU have planned for the weekend?' <---------- this line here awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

datdudeincali said...

Le Sigh as you say. Let me swig some more coffee and open a vein for the edification of my Bougie brothers and sisters.

Depends. For me, making the decision to initiate the divorce was excruciating. The battle of custody and alimony - equally evil. But actually being divorced and beyond all that? Heaven on earth and yes, Chele - Snoopy-danceworthy - LOL.

The biggest drawback is having to explain it. Many times you've stated your frustration with people asking you "Why are you single?" Try telling people you are divorced. They don't know whether to be sympathetic or congratulatory. And they seem to want to ask - What happened? And women ALWAYS assume that I got divorced because I cheated. Part of me resents having to explain "my side".

And that's the difference between a relationship break up and a divorce. A relationship breaks up and you can say - it didn't work out. That doesn't seem to suffice when you've drawn attorneys and the court system into it.

Before I write a dissertation, I'll just answer the questions - yes, you can celebrate a divorce but I'd take the emotional temperature of the people involved first. A good divorce trumps a bad marriage. My divorce was not (is not) amicable. To the newly divorced I say - just keep moving forward don't get caught up in what happened back then. Especially if there are kids involved. No trash talking or bad mouthing just keep it moving in a positive way.

Great albeit painful topic Chele.

maureen palmer said...

I don't look at is a celebration of divorce, but a celebration of a place called happiness and peace of mind. These are things I believe all of us deserve. *Hugs for ByB*

Great post & comments.

CaliGirlED said...

"Mommy can we divorce Daddy today?" and "Damix for Dad the Remix"...WOW!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"if you love us why are you leaving me?"...That.Right.There. - My heart sunk and I got teary eyed.

I'll never forget one day when my mom was at work and my dad combed my hair!..OMG..LOL

sherri said...

Yes, I think it is wrong. Sorry, I know that I'm in the minority, but I think it is something to be mourned.

The one thing that stands out to me is that they were married for 15 years and had FIVE children, yet apparently, the family/you or your brother feels she did not contribute??? And that she wasn't an asset? Hmmm... the SAHM in sees volumes in that statement.

There are at least two sides to every story. And at the end of the day, husband picked a wife and had 5 children with her. I think you can wish someone well in their future without celebrating the dissolution of a marriage.

CaliGirlED said...

Wow! Glad you found your way back to who you were meant to be with.

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah this one was deep. My prayers go out for those who are still healing.

Only The Tall said...

In America, there are thousands of children who will go to bed hungry, that is TRAGIC. Someone divorcing, not so much. People divorce because they can no longer grow with the person that they are married to. They do not divorce themselves from being parents, if children are involved. Believe me, after you (and you are only responsible for your efforts in a marriage) have done all that you can to save your marriage and you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, well, you get divorced. That's all there is to it. Stop beating a dead horse, it's cruel and it wastes time, plus your children will respect you for it in the end. My mother never said an unkind word about my father, so when they divorced, my brother and I could finally stop walking around the house on eggshells. Mom was still Mom and Dad was still Dad to us. They just lived in seperate houses, there was peace in the valley. No need to have a block party, that's a bit "Fake Basketball Wives-ish" = ghetto, but happiness doesn't end when you get a divorce, if anything it begins anew.

JustPassingBy said...

Well no one knows what goes on in a marriage. But I also think it's wrong for people to tell you what to feel. Only you and your ByB know what all you have been through. If he wants to mourn and you want to dance, who are people to tell you not to own that?

MariSol said...

I agree and disagree - respectfully. My brother married a woman who produced kids (6) and nothing else. She didn't cook, she didn't clean, she didn't caretake, she didn't work inside or outside the home, she got pregnant, had kids and sat down expecting him to be so grateful that he wouldn't notice he was doing everything else.

So yes sad things were completely terrible and unfixable but happy that he may get another shot at happiness with someone else.

Suebhoney1125 said...

I don't think it's wrong to celebrate divorce, it depends on the person. Can a divorce be amicable? I feel -yes, if both parties feel it is for the best. Unlike mine where he cheated and left to marry her, but we have 2 beautiful boys and I was determined to make sure that they were as well rounded as possible. Me coming from parents who till this day has been married for 46 years and he coming from parents who have been married 3 times each. ( I was wife #2) There was no fighting, screaming, yelling name calling (guess it was the bouge in me- never let em see you sweat) Once the pain, and bitterness and silent prayers for him to fall off the face of the earth and several Iyanla Vanzant books we were able to come out on the other side a great parents. Our relationship is very good now to the point to where when we are at our kids sporting functions, people still think that we are married (SNW (shady new wife) doesn't attend alot but my kids care for her and she cares for them and at the end of the day that is really all that matters to me). And once I really took the time to review the situation, I feel that it was for the best. They actually make a better couple than he and I did. (she is a "yes" woman, I am definitely not, she is very anti-social, I am not). And then I realized that I just didn't love him enough to fight for the relationship. Celebrate if you want, but celebrate what was good about each other and the relationship. It has been 10 years for me and although I have not found hubby #2 yet, I haven't given up on love or the search him, but I am having a great time "looking".

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

Celebrating divorce is a little like when people celebrate folks getting fired.

Im working on #2 and There won't be a party. I will be glad its over. But what I look like CELEBRATING failure?

But hey...if thats how you feel? then by all means. DO YOU...if there is food left over, I willl be by the next day to help out.

nubianqueenbeez said...

I wish your brother (and his ex) all the best, especially for the sake of the children.
Being divorced myself(5 years), I wish things had worked out but, it just didn't. It's funny how I thought that I was getting something better than what everybody else was getting and found out I was getting the average man that most women have to deal with.
One thing that I look back on is how I really could have ended the marriage about 2 years earlier but I decided to wait and give it more time, hoping things would work out. So I often wonder, did my realization that things weren't working unknowingly become a self fulfilling prophecy, or was it worth my time and emotional energy to delay the inevitable?
I don't know how many divorced people went through premarital counseling. Me and my ex started the process through my church, but he never was interested or fully committed to the process. That should have been a major red flag to me. I would recommend it to anyone considering marriage. I think it would at least give you a heads up on what you are really getting into.

Superwoman said...

"a part of me couldn't help but want to Snoopy-dance around the room waving champagne."

ok, the mental image of this just KILLED me!!! it's a sad day when a couples dream of their life together and vision for their family comes to an end - but from the sounds of it, your brother's divorce was sort of inevitable, and as you said, for the best...and let's face it, it makes it easier for you as the family to accept when the other party's a complete b!tch/b@stard....

my sis divorced an absolute beast, and if i hadn't been so vicariously emotionally exhausted from the whole thing, believe me, i too would've been performing that snoopy dance, fisting a chilled glass of chamza in each sweaty paw, swigging away like there was no tomorrow....

LikeLena said...

My sister and I celebrated her divorce with unabashed glee. It took 4 years for her to decide to leave and another three battling over custody and property. Believe me, by the time it was over all that was left was relief. Followed by a trip to Hawaii and much-merry-making.
Her 12 year old daughter told them all she wanted for her birthday was for them to get divorced - that says it all.

BrendaKay said...

As I await the court issued curtain call on my 14 year marriage ~ I have to say that while I'm deeply sadden my marriage didn't work out. The past 4 almost 5 years have been a slow death of happiness and love. What started out as familiarity and laziness, slowly deepened into indifference, loss of affection, bitter sarcasm and finally barely concealed hostility. Marriage counseling revealed just how far apart we were and after much discussion {and prayer on my part}, we both agreed that going our separate ways was the best decision. So we've split the household items, I'm getting the 3 dogs {we have no children} and I should be back home in the US before Thanksgiving.

I didn't get married thinking I would get divorced. But when it is officially finished, I am going to have a glass of well chilled Prosecco as I say goodbye to the past and hello to a bright future.

MusicCityYBW said...

In this case I don't see it as a celebration of divorce, but more so the celebration of the healing and hopefully the returned happiness of a loved one. It's no different than honoring a loved one at a funeral by focusing on the life versus the death... Just my 2 cents

OneChele said...

The two of you crack me up! For those in BougieLand that don't know, BB and Mocha have been married for years (decades?)

Tallsistagurl said...

in answer to your question...yes there can be a good divorce. Sometimes two people just grow apart. The key is to be mature enough to know when it's just "done".
I was married twice...and neither has left me saying that I would never do it again...who knows. The first man I loved with every thing in me..but he was physically abusive...we were too young to be married...but that didn't stop us. I was angry with him for a very long time because of the abuse...it's been over twenty years...not angry any more...he is remarried...funny when he was thinking about proposing to her(his current wife) he asked for my opinion....he and I talk every now and again. We have good memories floating along with the bad. The second marriage...should never have taken place...just cause you are with someone for seven years doesn't mean you should marry them. He and I had two different ideas of marriage and wanted different things out of life....there are other reasons ...but I won't bore you with those. I am still close to his Mother (who is/was the most wonderful Mother In Law a girl could ask for)...be he hates me.....to this day I am not sure why...cause he checked out of the marriage way before I left. Such is life... Anyway...just sharing....but if two people are miserable and especially if that misery is seeping out to other family members...if it can't be fixed...move on and be good with it. Don't fight over little things...just makes it so much worse than it has to be. We enter and exit each other lives for a reason....be enriched by the encounter be it a long one or short.

FirstTimeCommenting said...

My 7 year old son climbed in the car looked at me and said "Mommy can we divorce Daddy today?"
Knife through the heart. But the impetus I needed to admit the marriage was so dead and gone even the child knew. He went on to tell his father "I love you Daddy but you need to live somewhere else"
Kids just kill you with that brutal honesty.
The day he moved out my son celebrated and made up a song called We Can All Be Happy Now.
So there's your answer.
It's five years later and it's all good. I'm engaged to a man my son adores as much as I do - he calls him Damix for Dad the Remix (clever mouthed child) and the ex is remarried to someone who seems to get him more than I ever did.

CaliGirlED said...

It's hard to fathom, but I think these kind of women exist more than we think. What's crazy is that what you just described reminds of a couple in the recent movie Life As We Know It. She sat on her behind and gave her husband orders to do EVERYTHING. In one scene, at her request, he had to put his plate down so that he could change the baby's diaper. The baby was sitting in the carrier, right next to her, while she was running her mouth. SMH

Evansaw said...

You give me hope. Thank you.

Tunde said...

hmmm i understand your brother's pain.

"Misery is not pretty and there comes a certain point in time in a relationship where the two people are just so damn unhappy that they are making everybody around them unhappy as well."

this was my parents in 2002. after 20+ years of marriage and 5 children my parents decided to get divorced. i think i was happier than they were. me being 20 and already away at college it really didn't effect me like it would have if i was younger but my parents were so unhappy together and you could tell they stayed together for the sake of us. i don't think that was the best course of action in their situation.

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