Monday, October 18, 2010

Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 2 "A Proverbs 31 woman"


BougieLand, please take a pew seat, we're going to have to go to church today. My good friends BB and Jayme have turned over matchmaking duties to their husbands. The husbands Mocha Dude and Mr. C have been cooking up a formula on what makes a match for Michele. They've learned a few things with their test runs this weekend: 

Men who pronounce Michele like there's an A in it and it's a three syllable word "Ma-shell-el" - no bueno. That's just one of my quirks. I don't think Michele is an uncommon name. Respect me enough to pronounce it correctly. 

The first question a man asks me cannot be - so why aren't you married yet

And now we have discovered that if a brother wants to step to me on the biblical tip, he needs to be prepared to answer in kind. I shared a few conversations with a gentleman we'll call Barry. Barry did talk a good game. A little humor, a little banter, a little wit, a few serious getting to know you topics sprinkled in. Barry gave good phone.

Then Barry announced that he was sending an email he really wanted me to read and think about. I immediately thought "ruh-roh" what is it that you're sending in an email that you can't just say on the phone? Generally it's something you're worried about what reaction you're going to get. So when the email came with the title "What I'm really looking for" - I was already in a wary frame of mind.

He started out talking about his missing rib. [Sidebar: Men, please don't. We mean it.] And then went on to say that women today "have moved away from traditional morals and values" and he wants a "woman who understands what is to walk in faith with her man." He required "a Proverbs 31 woman" [yes he bolded and underlined] and would accept no less. He cut and paste the verses (just in case I was unfamiliar). For your reading pleasure and edification ladies and gents:

Hymn to a Good Wife Proverbs 31:10-31 
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than rubies.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

I have nothing against Proverbs 31 - I think it's a great aspirational lesson when put into modern-day context. There are classes, workshops and entire movements dedicated to teaching ladies how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. But my question was this... If I'm to bring Proverbs 31 to the table, whatchu comin' with? So I sent him a text, "Are you willing to be an Ephesians 5 man?" He said, "I don't follow." I said, "Look at up."

Ephesians 5: Relationships 
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

**crickets** As in, I haven't heard back from him. Mocha Dude informed me that Barry told him that my personality was "too confrontational" and I wasn't an "evolved Christian woman." Reading between the lines, no one ever challenged him after he presented the Proverbs? Seriously? 

This is something I want both single men and women to get their heads around (and step their games up): Please know your market value and your expectations and be able to articulate them. But FURTHERMORE, mix a little realism in with your optimistically high standards. If I have aces showing, don't bluff me holding a pair of kings. Assume I have a full house and fold. For those that don't play poker, how many other analogies can I draw? Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. You only get free champagne in first class. You shouldn't put cubic zirconia in a platinum setting. Don't expect to eat if you didn't contribute to the meal. How are you expecting Wonder Woman and your cape ain't ready yet, Alfred?

Put plain - don't send a three page dissertation about what you expect and need from a woman if you're not willing to hold up your end. I call complete and total bullshiggity on that. According to Proverbs 31 - I'm up before dawn making flapjacks, gardening, helping the poor and scrubbing the hearth but you sir are radio silent on giving me my Christ-like love? For real though?   

Now the Good Lord knows, I have a ways to walk to own my Proverbs-31-ness but before someone can hold that up as a standard he expects me to meet, he's gotta show me a hint of some Ephesians 5-ness about himself. What I mean is, if I'm going all in on my virtuous queenliness you gotta do more than sit on the throne to earn your crown, my king.

I was discussing this with BougieMom. She has several thoughts about the Proverbs 31 woman. She said, "The Proverbs 31 woman is an ideal that few ever get close to. She's supposed to be married, but I don't see how. She's doing a lot. I don't see how she has time to wash her face and breathe. Any man expecting a Proverbs 31 woman needs to have just come off the cross himself." That's 78-year old wisdom from a woman who was married for 40+ years.

As you may have noticed, receiving these verses got me a little heated. I've spoken at length on this blog at my frustration and ire with people (in this case men) who expect a Black Barbie with bangin' body, brains, bank, burn and bed skills to boot when they are sidewindin' in with a wink, a smile and nothing else. Possession of a penis nets you no points. Not up in here. Ditto to the cute chicks thinking that pretty entitles you to a princess complex. Cute don't last all day.

[Blogger's note: Contemplates additional rantings and ravings here, decides she's said enough] Woo-sah. Relax, relate, release. Talk back to me, bougies. What say you? It is still about being equally yoked right? How you gonna preach one part of the Bible and politely ignore the other? What's up with the sending of Bible verses and we haven't met yet? What part of the game is THIS?! I have questions for days but I'm going to let you all freestyle your thoughts, comments and insights on this one.  The floor is yours.

190 comments:

Fln2005 said...

You went in! Great post. I have a female friend and she's always quoting the bible and when I challenge her she does the same thing crickets. I also think it has to do with us being brought up in two different churches. (I'll end it there I can go on forever lol) Excuse me ignorance but what does it mean to be equally yoked? I havn't ever really gotten a good answer on that one.
Thanks

Anna N. said...

Relax on that one - he wasn't bout too much anyway. I don't trust men who come early and hard with the "church swindle". A real man will come correct - no matter how religious he is.

Angela said...

LOL Michelle. This is hilarious. Crickets is right. By the way, don't forget about a Titus 2 man. I've found that men who frequently talk about wanting a woman who understands submission and how to be a Proverbs 31 woman usually know absolutely nothing about what kind of man is worthy of such a woman (as if the Bible doesn't say anything about a man's responsibilities)--and if they fit the bill! Thank you for setting at least one man straight. lol

Rosa said...

Oh man, I'm so tired of these type of men. They think all they have to do is "show up" and do the bare minimum, while the woman is working both at home and in the office. Dude, will stay losing if this is how he expects to get a woman. Nothing is worse than a delusional and thirsty man.

Mickmicki said...

I had a man ask me what version of the bible did I read. I responded with NIV. He was like, "I'm sorry. But I need a woman that reads and lives by the King James version." Aight player. Good luck with that.

Then there was the brotha that asked me about my walk with Jesus. I proceeded to have a relationship with him. It was an act. Show that he is a "good God fearing" man and he will get plenty of draws. My mother asked, "Well....He goes to a prominent church. Why hasn't he hooked up with one of the sisters at his church? They know him and they don't want to be bothered with his family, his ex-wife, his daughter or HIM." Gee Mom. Tell me how you really feel.

You know what? I'mma have to stop reading your blog. Too relatable. Everytime I read your dating adventures, my pressure goes up. :)

Only the Tall said...

You just made me laugh out loud, with your "pressure" comment!

Crystal said...

When I was in grad school I had a friend (we are still friends) who was dating a guy who sent her this exact verse, along with PAGES and PAGES of qualities he expected his wife to have. She was so in love with him (and young, 24 at the time) that she thought this was endearing. "He knows exactly what he wants" she said, but she never asked him what he would bring to the table. They got married (yes, we-her friends- tried to talk her out of it), had a couple kids and are now 30 and divorced. Her ex did not live up to having a proverbs 31 wife. He left her to do all the work in the relationship and with the family and gave nothing in return, so she got ghost (after trying to work it out, she wanted to go to counseling, he said no and started hitting on other women)!! These kind of men leave me absolutely flabbergasted!!! Seriously, why and how do these guys exist, I am really asking?

michaeldavis said...

UGH! I reiterate the sentiments I expressed from a previous post. To quote another one of the Black & Bougie readers: brothers like this are KILLING the game right now. It is going to require a Sherman Tank of skills to get to a real woman if this keeps up. There's a whole set of them, this is but one.

He gets the PrinceTreySongzSideEye for trying to use the religious angle

http://www.gifsoup.com/view2/1108976/prince-side-eye-o.gif

I propose the Harlem Nights treatment. Lock him in the bank vault and tell him to survive by taking very short breaths.

michaeldavis said...

agreed - the female version also exists...delusion and thirstiness knows no gender

nubianqueenbeez said...

Anyone that can spend that much time researching the bible to tell you what you should be should have immediately been presenting the scriptures to show what he's bringing to the table. That shows spiritual immaturity at best, and just plain relationship ignorance. He probably sits up in church every week (or maybe not at all), but he knows enough about the Word to pick and choose what he can use to beat others down with without really looking inside himself to see where the Word is telling him to step up his game. Too many people like him up in the church. UUUGGGHHHH!!!

OSHH said...

SMH...

CC said...

Men like this are a trip. Dude e-mails bible verses instead of verbally relaying what type of woman he is looking for. LAME!! Then when met with a reiteration of what Christian love should be, he runs away with his tail between his legs. PUNK!!

And right after spitting bible verses, he is the same dude who engages in sex outside of marriage. The bible is not for you to pick and choose which portions you want to live by.

Caramelangelnic said...

Just saying that I totally agree with your response and analysis, too many people expect the world from a mate and have a laundry list of demands without taking a single look in the mirror. I guess we know why HE isn't married yet...

MsThangPhilly said...

Any man who pronounces Michele like there's an A in it and it's a three syllable word "Ma-shell-el" may not be interested in you or any woman at all. he may be looking for something else, O-kay. Two snaps up in a circle.

As for "Barry", he is a mess. There is nothing wrong with wanting a Proverbs 31 woman, what man wouldn't? But you have to be able to bring something to the table. Don't be a nickle out here looking for a dime. The fact that he didn't take the time to respond to your email shows what kind of person he is. Then he goes on and attacks your Christianity... Wow

Note: Just because you can quote a scripture does not make you a Christian. Satan can quote scripture and twist them to his advantage. You sent "Barry" a scripture and he responds with "I don't follow"? Can he read? Ugh!

Next!

Sarah said...

I don't know. As entertaining (or occasionally shocking and disturbing) as these stories might be, I'm not so sure it is good for your mental health to be going through these episodes. Maybe you are better off find somebody yourself. I can see the husband team tweaking the formula, but what happens if all it does is get you more exasperated? It does seem to me that people are me-centered when it comes to relationship these days (or maybe it has always been that way). It is I want.... ignoring the fact that everybody is their own person. They are not going to meld themselves into your life and be just want ever it is that you want them to be.

Gods_Man said...

Interestingly enough I spent a pretty good portion of my message this Sunday talking to the men about loving their wives FIRST before pointing any fingers. That section in Ephesians (5:22-6:4) talks to Husbands, wives and children but spends more time talking to the men.

http://www.youversion.com/bible/niv/eph/5/21

I agree with michaeldavis above that these guys are killing the game now.

Only the Tall said...

Funny thing is this, this post is right on time because just this morning as a I walking to work, I asked myself this question "Why are so many people, especially Black people, obsessed with Jesus? God?" Don't get me wrong, I love God, love Jesus, I could live forever and still not be able to thank Him for all that he did, does and has done for me, but I'm am not obsessed. Not like these bible-thumping, side-eye in the pew watchin', "all the time they wanna' take my and Jesus's place" backstabbers. Men AND women like these just reinforce my resolve that I'm better off having my own personal relationship with God. I'm done with the spectacle. Michelle, don't do it, lady. Stay away from these "men of God".

BluAssassin said...

Sigh...

ASmith said...

Pastor was just talmbout this yesterday in church... folks who trip out when you don't read the "right" version of the Bible.

#boybye

ASmith said...

So um... uhh... Yeah. I'm just not gonna do it this morning. (You can't take my joy, devil...)

::sigh:: I hope homeboy finds what he's looking for, but he's surely not helping himself. Not in the least.

How you quotin' Proverbs 31 and don't know about Ephesians 2? Yeah. Ok, sir. Good luck.

MelaninEnriched said...

Haha! These men KILL me with this tomfoolery! iDied when he told your friend's husband that you were too confrontational. I'm still LOL'ing (literally).

I haven't gotten the Bible-scripture dude yet, but this made my day.

BUT, I know it's exasperating. I'm a single BW in this country too, so I totally understand.

CaliGirlED said...

"Lock him in the bank vault and tell him to survive by taking very short breaths."

*dead*

Jennifer said...

"Any man expecting a Proverbs 31 woman needs to have just come off the cross himself." God bless your momma for this!
There is a book by Michelle (ma-shell-le) McKinney Hammond called "In Search of the Proverbs 31 Man." Maybe you should send ole Barry a copy... Praise the Lord.

CaliGirlED said...

I have my offering envelope ready!

BrendaKay said...

At the risk of being sarcastic ~ AMEN!

BrendaKay said...

And the church rises up and says a collective Amen! :-)

CaliGirlED said...

"This guy probably uses the Bible as a prop, gets covers for it to match his "Sunday going to church" Gators, and stuff, and highlights verses during the service to look like he is studying."

I literally threw my hands up at my desk like I was in church and the pastor just said something profound!

*seals envelope with tithes in it*

CaliGirlED said...

I once had a deacon, who was trying to defend a crooked preacher by saying that he knows the bible. So I told him Satan knows the bible from cover to cover so what are you saying? *crickets*

I felt bad for being a little disrespectful to my elder (how I was raised), but he had to hear it!

blackprofessor said...

Sigh! A fake man hiding behind the bible! At the end of the day, can you clearly articulate your needs and wants from the opposite sex? I have learned that if you have to couch needs/wants in bible verses, you are 1) unclear about what you really want and 2) unclear about what you are really bringing to the table, which means you are not ready for primetime.

CaliGirlED said...

"you are not ready for primetime."

*writing that down*

beingruth said...

According to one of my Bible profs, it's an ode to the good wife, not a blueprint. It's kind of like the rest of Psalms or Proverbs, talking about that which is good (or not so good). It's not saying "And wives, you'd better be all of these things." Instead it quite literally says that a good wife is beyond rubies and then describes things that awesome wives do. If it were sent to me, I'd probably whip out my Bible & Religion minor & go after him with it.

But Ephesians 2 is an even more creative choice, nice one! :)

Angela said...

It's unfortunate, but in my experience most women attending church get so excited because a man quoted a scripture that they really don't think beyond that.

CaliGirlED said...

SMH!!!
I don't know which is worse, him looking for a Proverbs 31 woman or the guy that told me he was looking for a woman he could take to church and have everybody saying how sweet and innocent she looks while he's thinking, "You just don't know what she did to me last night!". Two totally different approaches. However I call bull shiggity to all men using the bible, church, God, Jesus, Mary & Joseph to enhance their "game"!

yourgirlC said...

My goodness! They're sending scriptures now???? Good Lord!

My "best if purchased by" date came and past a long time ago. For this I am grateful because I no longer have to be bothered with people trying to fix me up.

Vonnie said...

these kneegrows with that "i want to quote the bible when it's convenient" bs can just go to hell, do not pass go, do not collect a humble wife. wtf? he thought you'd just jump at that and he had to do NOTHING? So reminds me of the piece i was just reading at Deborrah Cooper's site about Weak Men Wanting a Submissive Woman: http://survivingdating.com/why-weak-men-want-submissive-women

OneChele said...

Sorry guys - it's Ephesians 5, I thought I corrected it before posting. But it's corrected now. Gotta be able to quote correctly!

MeetCharlieL said...

While all the stuff listed in Proverbs 31 is great - I don't need that level of perfection in a mate because I'm sure as hell not there. I don't need her halo shining a light on all the crap I still need to tighten up in my life. Three things I want in a woman - she believes, she loves, she tries - I'm good.

rozb said...

He knows enough to "cherry pick" his Bible verses, but probably had the Boo-Boo face on when you revealed Ephesians 2 to him? I say revealed because he was probably not all that familiar with the Bible in the first place.

You can't call yourself a nutritionist if you only know about vegetables, so how can you be Godly and Christ-like if you can only quote verses that only represent your point of view, or may be twisted to meet your immediate needs.

He needed a woman that could not read for herself. Therefore she could not dispute what he was trying to spew forth. Without intelligence and common sense, and the need to look out for self, folks like this (brothers AND sisters) will always be able to get over.

This guy probably uses the Bible as a prop, gets covers for it to match his "Sunday going to church" Gators, and stuff, and highlights verses during the service to look like he is studying. If I wasn't all spiritual and stuff, I might call this man an ass clown and be done.

LadyAntoine said...

Amongst all the obvious bullshiggidty goin on here, he had to cut and paste his token verse into that email. Seems to me if he was as down as he wanted to appear to be, he woulda recited it from memory. Lord knows he's rehearsed it enough times.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Okay, you took it straight there, huh? Me and the future MrsSkyy read this together. Neither one of us ready to be all of that but she said she would take the white silk if I wanted to wrap her up in it morning noon and night. I think realism should play a huge role in mate-searching. Everybody on this earth (far as we know) is human and therefore not worship worthy. Humanity = sin so all we can do if find a mate who's sins are either just like yours or forgivable and keep it moving.

beautifulcurare said...

LOL! Wow...he couldn't respond to you? SMH...

BougieMom summed it up quite nicely..."Any man expecting a Proverbs 31 woman needs to have just come off the cross himself."

rozb said...

Wow. Using Jesus as a sex bargaining chip. I'm sure even He would have said "REALLY!?!?!?! WDDDA?!?!?!"

JaymeC said...

*clears throat* For the record, I wanted to veto "Barry" because he recites the same 3 Bible verses over and over. Being a Christian doesn't mean you can quote scripture backwards and forwards, it means you attempt to act in a "Christ-like manner" - I didn't see it but um... moving on.

Girl, NO one is a Proverbs 31 woman. As you said, wonderful aspirational teaching but who can possibly do it all. I warn women against attempting the Superwoman lifestyle.

MariSol said...

I was just thinking - Whoa! I bet Jesus is NOT amused.

Jennifer said...

"Perhaps this is why Jesus wept?"

well done, sir... quote-worthy.

OneChele said...

*Side-eye* That's what you think...

MariSol said...

I read the whole post but this stuck with me: Possession of a penis nets you no points. Can we get THAT on a t-shirt? Seems all these articles and talk shows on the misery of the single sista got a few fellas smelling themselves a little bit. Stop sniffing and read my new t-shirt. ;-)

Mykeia said...

"I'm so tired of these so-called Christian men. So obsessed with Jesus, but got a baby-mamma." <---Dead right now!
I know a few men like this and they have the nerve to say "Single moms are doing the hard work!" I'm like: If you really feel that way stop contributing to the problem and where are you in your walk with Jesus? Ugh. I could go on and on about this one, but I might get kicked out of my family.

rozb said...

A Proverbs 31 woman would have to have a cape and bulletproof bracelets, humidity-proof hair, feet shaped in such a manner that she can always wear stilettos AND run, and a credit rating that would make even Oprah jealous. Oh yeah - be an expert at all things pertaining to womanhood.

A Proverbs 31 woman would have kicked Bible Quote guy in his taint and kept it moving...just sayin'...

rozb said...

To men like this, all it is IS a game. And some women who go to church hoping God will send them that "Godly" man can end up falling very easy if they do not call out the shiggity first.

thinklikeRiley said...

Umm - no disrespect but um, I don't see anywhere in that long ass Proverbs quote where girlie has time for naked Twister with her husband. You can bump a good 75-80% of that shiggity if you're oiled up on the Twister mat when I come home. Guar-an-damn-tee that will net you some worship from me.
What? Am I wrong though?

rozb said...

I guess anyone can call themselves a Christian, even if the obvious proves otherwise. Heck - you can stand in a garage and call yourself a car, but the reality does not make it so...

Mykeia said...

"she believes, she loves, she tries - I'm good." <---Nice.

David Chase said...

I can't stand (in Chele speak CAN. NOT. STAND! <- LOL) hypocritical so-called self-proclaimed Christians who only adhere to the part of the Bible that works for them. Met a female, we went out, she drank like a fish but sicne that worked towards my goal at the time, I had no problem with it. She dressed skimpily (which again I had no problem with) and spent the better part of our three dates rubbing me the right way (literally). Sure, it was inappropriate for parts of her to draped over parts of me at a public dining facility but again her agenda and mine appeared to be headed in the same direction.

When I tried to move date to what I felt was the inevitable conclusion, she slapped my face and said she was a Christian woman and did not believe in fornication out the bonds of marriage. Color me surprised since she had to take her hand out of my pants to slap me. Trying to reconcile words with actions, I said - So you're a virgin? She said No but she has to be in a relationship she feels is heading towards marriage to give off herself in that way.

The game was clear. She was going to rev a brother up and then use Jesus to get what she wanted (a commitment) so she could feel good about herself? Perhaps this is why Jesus wept?

I was out. After 6 unreturned phone calls, same chick sent me naked pictures where she was doing things to herself that I'm not sure Jesus would approve of.

Mykeia said...

Thank you. Humanity = sin

Mykeia said...

Perhaps this is why Jesus wept? <---Dead. My co-worker just walked in and heard me laughing, she's like you must be reading that blog...
"Color me surprised" haven't heard that one in a while...
Man I need to get to work...but I'm laughing too hard this morning...

BB Waite said...

Now I'm a pew-sitting, church-going, Bible-thumping woman and I wouldn't send Proverbs 31 to a woman asking how they measured up. That's like pointing at Christ on the cross and asking your man - Would you do that for me?

Pure Choco said...

You came off the weekend break like - POW! All I can say is - Amen sister.

rozb said...

"You can bump a good 75-80% of that shiggity if you're oiled up on the Twister mat when I come home. Guar-an-damn-tee that will net you some worship from me."

Truer words were never said.

derek love said...

How are you expecting Wonder Woman and your cape ain't ready yet, Alfred?
Points for knowing the butler's name in Batman - that's just a good use of comic book characters to illustrate your point. Sorry, is my inner nerd showing?
Anyway - I don't want Black Barbie if I gotta be Black Ken. At this point I'm trying to meet a chick minus the crazy, plus some cute, equaling good damn sense.

derek love said...

Riley - you keep us entertained. That is for sure. Now is that baby oil? Olive oil?

OneChele said...

Combination of cocoa and almond oil... you know what? Never mind.
*walks away whistling*

Pure Choco said...

Ooo, BB that's deep! Gotta think on that one.

Deb B said...

Who the eff is HE to tell you where you are in your evolution as a Christian? Now that really chafes my Vicki's the wrong way. Old judgmental pseudo-Christian. Did he miss the verse "Judge not that ye be not judged" - I don't where it is in there but it's in there. Along with the thing about he without sin can cast the first rock - chele you know what I'm talking about. Got me trying to pull out my Sunday School lessons. Halfway wanna go back to church now. Surely not everybody is that that fool.

OneChele said...

Yes, I know what you mean. Here you go:
Matthew 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

And John 8:7 "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

And by all means, if you are feeling moved to go back to church, you should. Don't let the few trifling folks block you from your blessings.

Only the Tall said...

A former boyfriend, proposed to me on bended knee, quoting this scripture, rock in hand, placed it on my finger. THEN. Not twenty-fours later started talking nonsense about how his decisions as head of the household would be final, that I should stop meditating and taking yoga as he believed that it was a religion not Christ based (are you kidding, who the hell is against peace and exercise?), that if I had to travel abroad on assignment for two weeks at a time (making a considerable amt. money, mind you) that that would be a problem (really "fake-Black Jesus? now you're against me making money to contribute to our future household? We never lived together, not my style). All of these demands and overbearing statements came after the ring was put on my finger. Get this, brother had a child and has yet to be married to anybody, never thought of marrying the mother's child, yet wanted to make demands on me? Well, I woke the hell up! No sir, you gets' none of this here. I realized that he had everything to gain by marrying me and that he was definitely lacking in terms of what I need, want and expect out of a husband. I slid the ring off of my finger, gave it back to him with a smile and said "Take care". I'm so tired of these so-called Christian men. So obsessed with Jesus, but got a baby-mamma. I had a "christian" episode and that will be my last one. I would just appreciate that the man I marry believe and have faith in God, that's enough. Some men want wives and some men want children. In his case, two. So glad that I didn't marry that fool! LOL!!

Rob said...

At this point I'm trying to meet a chick minus the crazy, plus some cute, equaling good damn sense. <--- Clone her when you find her and send her my way please.

Rob said...

I missed the Naked Twister BougieTale?!

Rob said...

LOL @ the Chele speak.
Where in the Bible does it say a hand job at the dinner table is okay?
And a tip for the desperate ladies - if a man is done with you - sexting graphically is not helping your cause.

Deb B said...

Truth spoken ^here.

Deb B said...

Dodged a bullet!

Deb B said...

Because we (as women) allow them to get away with this shiggity.

OneChele said...

Deep breaths. Not to worry, I'm going to start blogging about gardening to keep the excitement level down ;-)

SingLikeSassy said...

I likes me some Riley. He tells it like it T-I TIS!

SingLikeSassy said...

Three things I want in a woman - she believes, she loves, she tries - I'm good. <-- I LIKE

Suebhoney1125 said...

Chele- girl you are my SHE-RO! LOL . Now he knew better than to come talking out the side of his neck. What Barry thought was that you were just some "chicken head" he thought he could try some old barbershop "philosophsizing" and thought he was doing something. But you shut that ish DOWN! Love it. (Barry on the side of a milk carton- HAVE YOU SEEN ME?)

OneChele said...

Um - no. We don't have a "Bougie After Dark" section. The closest you get is me and Carolyn on the radio show. We tend to be a bit less buttoned up there.

William Martin said...

Wait but is it one part cocoa to how many parts almond? Is that edible? Just asking, you know for health informational purposes.

William Martin said...

I once had a female send me a list of the ABC's she wanted in a man. A was for Affluence, B was for Buff, C was for Charitable, D was a made up word "d**ktastic". I didn't make it past the rest.

I sent her back one line - A is for Adios.

I've found that people who have time to make these sorts of lists and not direct them towards a dating site or a professional matchmaker are almost 95% unclear on their own market worthiness.

Jesse said...

Real talk.

Leon X said...

This is the problem with I have with people interpreting the bible. You cannot take passages from the bible you agree with, then ignore the rest when it doesn't suit you.

By the way, Ephesians 5 is great.

SingLikeSassy said...

I didn't read that too long Proverbs scripture and I don't know why you even entertained this mofo by responding. You knew before you sent that text he was about some ratchedassedness.

And for the love of allllllllllllllllllll that is holy, I want these brothers to stop and take a good look at themselves, please! Stop blaming your singleness or inability to meet the right woman on outside stuff -- women don't want to submit, women are gold diggas, women are too independent. Your paper game might be tight but if the rest of you -- character, morals etc. -- is rotten, what does it matter that you work at the "right" place and have the "right" letters after your name?

Whew.

Actually, I think Barry was looking for a desperate/thirsty chick who would see that list and then twist herself into a pretzel trying to be that woman so he would marry her. But why waste all that time showing a man how great a wife you will be when he aint lifted nan finger to prove to you what kind of husband HE will be? Damn all that.

Jubilance said...

Ugh, I hate with a passion folks who have a laundry list of requirements for their mate, when they don't satisfy those requirements themselves. How you gonna want a dude with a Benz when you taking the bus?

Too many folks are focused on what the other person should be, instead of working on what kind of person they themselves should be.

SingLikeSassy said...

D was a made up word "d**ktastic". <--You are about to get me fired up in here!!

She's Savvy said...

Great post as always! It trips me out when men have certain requirements for women and when you come back to them with your own, they feel like you've backed them into a corner. It's like they think we're supposed to just accept anyone and everyone and we should be happy they've expressed a little interest in us. I'm glad you were able to put him in his place, hopefully he'll know better the next time he tries that with a woman.

She's Savvy said...

Love your comment rozb!

OneChele said...

I'm stealing d**ktastic though.

Jesse said...

LMAO @ the milk carton.

Guest101810 said...

This just tells me that you know you don't measure up.

YardieChicie said...

So you respond to his Bible passage with a passage of your own (and not a word more), and you're 'too confrontational'? Sounds like a whiny spoiled baby-boy to me.

OneChele said...

No mortal woman can, I think that was my point.

AppleBerryMIA said...

It's always the anonymous ones with driveby stupidity.

Mykeia said...

True...sometimes.

Mykeia said...

"...minus the crazy, plus some cute, equaling good damn sense." This is the magic combination..good one.

Mykeia said...

I threw my hands up "have the "right" letters after you name! Dead, with agreement!

Mykeia said...

Agreed.

Page Bartlett said...

This is right on time. Just met a guy who hit me with "how far along in your Christian walk are you?" Le Big Damn Sigh. I'm working on it - but where is he? He had no answer either.
Boy bye

AppleBerryMIA said...

Would you recognize her if you had her?

Felicia369ny said...

This. Right. Here! I knew where this was going from the jump but I was through when she slapped you. Really?! Tricks really are for kids.

Only the Tall said...

Amen to that! LOL!

tiffanyinhouston said...

This has been some good word today and I would like to thank Disqus for finally letting me comment. I've been missing ya'll something terrible!

Violet Rose said...

Amen!

Violet Rose said...

So she wanted a rich Mandingo and you were supposed to be cool with that? Ugh.

Violet Rose said...

Oooh, shots fired?

Violet Rose said...

On the flip though - if all she's all oily Twister and nothing else, you're outta there right?

thinklikeRiley said...

Maybe later in life I'll want a more Proverbs 31 woman. Right now I'm good with the Hot Chocolate, extra whipped. (Thank you Chele for giving us a bougie way to describe the good 'n plenty)

rozb said...

This just tells me you don't come to this blog much. Am I right? Aww...bless your heart, now how about actually reading it or kindly keep stepping...

Melzie said...

Perfect response to some bullshiggty, Chele. This is a good way to weed out the real deal Christian men from the pick a verse that suits me type. Hmph!

Hidi said...

How you gonna preach one part of the Bible and politely ignore the other? People who do this, do not understand the bible; comprehension does not exist. Trust me when I say, they are not walking with God.; they're too busy watching others steps.

I do not remember the verse nor the chapter but God did say "show your true self" ( something like that). In other words, PHONINESS IS NOT ALLOWED.---This is for Barry and others like him.

Angela Angel Threatt said...

LOL @ "Perhaps this is why Jesus wept?" smh at this chick...

The_A said...

Wait, Barry?? Barry is that you?

Dude, don't be bitter. Not a good look.

The_A said...

*laughing/coughing hysterically* Wow. just wow. *tears*

Um. Chele- I may need a special life insurance policy to keep reading your blog comments. David all up in here trying to make a sister check out before her time.

rozb said...

It's true! And as fabulous as I think I am, I can't do everything, and do not expect a man to be able to. But Barry was simply being a huge ass clown...

datdudeincali said...

First of all, great freakin' post. Secondly, how hard is it to pronounce Michele - that's like 1st grade level hooked on phonics, right? And lastly - it is NO part of the game to start issuing all level of challenges until you have at least seen the woman. Old boy has no idea what he missed out on.

keishabrown said...

raises hands to the sky saying grilled cheesus give me stremf (word to diddy).

few things raise my blood pressure than those who use the word of Christ to aid (and abet <--sp?) their own agenda. this dude is NO better than that 'pastor' in FL who wanted to burn the Quran and those who judge while living in glass houses.

grrr......


The bible is not for you to pick and choose which portions you want to live by.

GammasWorld said...

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP ... Fantastic post and response to Ole Barry. I'm not going in on all the fakery that goes on in self-proclaimed Christians.

maureen palmer said...

I heard Will Smith say, " a King should marry a Queen", 'nuff said. This brother makes me feel like I just stepped into 1920's

maureen palmer said...

We need to find this guy a new name, he is giving the other "Barry" in the white house a bad rap.

maureen palmer said...

I concur with "special life insurance", laughing so hard, neighbors probably think I'm crazy!

All Honey said...

Did she have all 26 listed? Wow!

GrownAzzMan said...

Crystal, I am a life-long Christian but I am not one of these guys. My only answer as to how they exist is the same as may answer as to why any type of trifling behavior exists. It must work on somebody, sometime. Otherwise they would get a new approach. SMH!

GrownAzzMan said...

*The doors of the church are now open*

GrownAzzMan said...

"Sunday going to church" Gators, and stuff...

Mortally wounded.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Heck - you can stand in a garage and call yourself a car, but the reality does not make it so.."

Do not read Bougieland comments with any type of liquid anywhere near by. That.Is.All.

CaliGirlED said...

RIGHT!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Exactly! As long as a woman will try to be a "Proverb 31 woman" and not demand an "Ephesians 2 man", these tired "bible pimpin men" will continue to run that game. Along with all the other non-sense that has been shared on this blog! (If it ain't broke why fix it? - in their minds)

CaliGirlED said...

More like a missle!

GrownAzzMan said...

'Humanity = sin so all we can do if find a mate who's sins are either just like yours or forgivable and keep it moving.'

Now that is what I call 'equally-yoked'!

CaliGirlED said...

So true!

GrownAzzMan said...

'The game was clear. She was going to rev a brother up and then use Jesus to get what she wanted (a commitment) so she could feel good about herself? Perhaps this is why Jesus wept?"

Y'all are KILLING me today!

GrownAzzMan said...

Takes out note-pad "Combination of cocoa and almond oil" Got it.

GrownAzzMan said...

"minus the crazy, plus some cute, equaling good damn sense."
Got one! Well worth the search

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks Chele! Should any of us be so unlucky as to have to check a ninja in this manner, we'll be equipped. I'm good for knowing what the bible says, but not so good at being able to site the exact scripture. I don't like going there with people, try to avoid all confrontations regarding the bible and "what thus says the Lord". But I LOVE the way you handled that one. Bravo!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"...go to hell, do not pass go, do not collect a humble wife. "

*dead*, *turns over in the grave*

CaliGirlED said...

That.Right.There...Man I just gave you a high five, a thumbs up, a smile from ear to ear, I pointed at you, pumped my fist at you...I think you get my point.

Loved it!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Damn you hit below the belt with that one!

Only the Tall said...

gotta' use that one. Indeed.

CaliGirlED said...

Silly rabbit!

rozb said...

Sometimes, folks use Bible verses like pickup lines in the club. And if someone is especially thirsty and lonely for companionship and love, a "Bible Quoter" seems like the best thing going. These folks design their encounters to catch the weakest and vulnerable off-guard. Think of a herd of zebras - and a cheetah laying in the cut. The weakest zebra (the one born with the short leg) is the slowest, and therefore will be taken down by the cheetah. There will always be some sort of prey with a disadvantage.

The Bible Quoter is not as sleek as the cheetah, but his or her predatory instincts stay honed. Except in Chele's case - she slammed him on his shiggity. Pure comedy...

CaliGirlED said...

First, where did you find this contradictory heffa?...She said "...she was a Christian woman and did not believe in fornication out the bonds of marriage". And then said, "She has to be in a relationship she feels is heading towards marriage to give of herself in that way". WTH?!! Which is it lady?

Second, you are no longer allowed to share your past experiences with Bougieland! LOL
"Color me surprised since she had to take her hand out of my pants to slap me."

*dead, cremated, ashes dumped in the Pacific Ocean*

CaliGirlED said...

As I scrolled up, I thought, "Someone has a lot of replies to their comment." Then I saw thinklikeRiley, and I said, "Oh shit!"...You are just ignorant! ROTF LMAO!!! That was a good one!

Let me go back and read these replies....Still LOL

CaliGirlED said...

LOL!!!

CaliGirlED said...

You guys are too much!

donell said...

> "Are you willing to be an Ephesians 5 man?" He said, "I don't follow."

brother barry gave you your exit warning RET there. #1, he had zero familiarity with the scripture you were referencing back to him - after tryna call you out biblically...#suspicion.

AND - he couldn't even piece together that you were referring to a bible scripture, that he easily could have just looked up to see what you were referring to...#suspicionconfirmed.

not only did he reveal he faking the biblical funk - he also revealed that he prolly catches the short bus to work every day. #beepbeep.

Steve said...

True, if only there was a directory of Kings and Queens. Or an entrance exam. ;-)

Steve said...

Preach brother.

CaliGirlED said...

Oh you know I'm going to use that one if a ninja dares go there with me! Good one!

Steve said...

I call these "convenient Christians" - they are believers/followers/pew-sitters when it suits them to be. Worst kind out there.

Steve said...

So she had one chance to tell you what she wanted and she start with affluent, buff, charitable and d**ktastic?! FAIL!

CaliGirlED said...

"minus the crazy, plus some cute, equaling good damn sense. "...Good equation!

Steve said...

Off topic but have you ever actually tried naked twister? I would suggest getting some of the hot yoga Chele was talking about on first to increase your flexibility first. Stretch, hydrate. Okay, I'm done.

CaliGirlED said...

Damn it to hell!

Steve said...

Classic weak man move. Get challenged and go silent. Real man admits he was talking out of his ass.

Tonda Williams said...

THIS.RIGHT.HERE......(waving my MLK church fan, wearing my Dorothy Height hat)

CaliGirlED said...

"barbershop "philosophsizing" LMAO

"Barry on the side of a milk carton- HAVE YOU SEEN ME?" *DEAD*...No really I choked and I'm not even drinking anything!

Steve said...

Dude - not the sexting after the shutdown? Not a good look. Plus she slapped with the stroke hand - immediate grounds for dismissal.

CaliGirlED said...

Wow!...You're right about people and those lists. SMH

Steve said...

That's good stuff sir.

Tonda Williams said...

*waving wildly*..."Hey Barry"....Sumfin told me to check back, cause you'd show up all self-righteous and what not!

Steve said...

Okay, seriously. BELIEVE, LOVE, TRY. <-- that needs to go on a t-shirt

Tonda Williams said...

DEAD @ driveby stupidity...

Steve said...

LMAO - Not the PrinceTreySongzSideEye! Is that stronger than Chele's laser beam side-eye?

Steve said...

And so then why will we all sit and await for some drama to pop off with your pansies and petunias? LOL!

Tonda Williams said...

Riley-I love you more each time you show up *roflmao*.....I've been contemplating naked twister all day!

CaliGirlED said...

If it is Barry, you can't not respond to Chele cause "she's too confrontational", and then come to her blog and do a drive by! GTFOH...And if it's not Barry, GTFOH!!!

I know Bougieland, I'm not a true convert. Still let stupidity summons up the ghetto. SMH

CaliGirlED said...

How goes it Mrs. Newlywed? Welcome back!

cocoaeyecandy said...

Okay, just spent the better part of an hour scrolling through these comments - I feel like I have been to church. We need altar call and a final selection from the choir.

maureen palmer said...

Please no gardening blog, have allegies & live in an apartment, not going to help much:-)

cocoaeyecandy said...

A secret society?

CaliGirlED said...

Right! And since he's tryin to be a "bible pimpin playa", if he was really smooth, he would have just responded "Absolutely!"...Doesn't matter if he knew what it meant, he was just runnin game anyway. L.O.S.E.R!!!

CaliGirlED said...

LOL good one!

CaliGirlED said...

"The weakest zebra (the one born with the short leg) is the slowest,..."

I think I've said this before, I CAN'T STAND YOU!!! LOL

MochaDudeSpeaks said...

So - I see "Barry" left out some of the story when we talked to him. No "fake Christians" - adding it to the list.

CaliGirlED said...

*Guest101810 (I mean Barry) walks down the aisle for altar call saying, "When is bible study?"*

GammasWorld said...

Bless yo heart

GrownAzzMan said...

Mad props for the Dorothy Height shout-out...

MotownMs said...

Let's see if I have this straight...Wives - 0, Husbands - 0...in the matchmaking game for Chele...hmmmmmmmm...;-)

CaliGirlED said...

Rozb you know his kind, throw the rock and hide his hand.

baileyqc said...

Well said.

baileyqc said...

Isn't that what BougieLand is? LOL?!

baileyqc said...

Love this post. It's getting emailed to everybody I know.

Ms. Jay said...

How about thats not even the actual passage ? Thats just a poem based on the passage . Meaning that he probably doesnt even know the real thing , or how to recognize a good woman when he sees her.

CorettaJG said...

Oh my ... what? Totally out of order.

CorettaJG said...

Certainly a bold move at the beginning of "conversation." He just better be bringing his. Ephesians, Titus, all of that.

ConvertingMe said...

Don't be a nickle out here looking for a dime..... or a quarter or a 50 cent piece or a silver dollar. Don't Holla.

@MsThangPhilly - Preach.

It seems that so many people are on the search for and only want A+ mates when they are a C- students themselves.

Switching analogies.

There are reasons you don't put a racehorse and a plow horse on the same team.

They can't keep up with one another because they are used to running at two different speeds. One is for heavy lifting and the other is for speed.

Don't covet what you can't keep up with...

brownstocking said...

Uh, really?! Where's my Baked Lays and Mountain Dew!

FlirtyNerd said...

If this is Barry, then neither do you.

And if this isn't Barry, then neither do you times two.

Fln2005 said...

You went in! Great post. I have a female friend and she's always quoting the bible and when I challenge her she does the same thing crickets. I also think it has to do with us being brought up in two different churches. (I'll end it there I can go on forever lol) Excuse me ignorance but what does it mean to be equally yoked? I havn't ever really gotten a good answer on that one.
Thanks

Brittany Geneva said...

I'm late....but I completely agree!!

Brittany Geneva said...

It's beyond crazy to me to think that someone could call you "confrontational" for responding to a bible verse with a bible verse. -_____-

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