Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Black Marriage Negotiations Video - Le Huge Sigh

So apparently, I have to say this one mo' gin because some folks haven't opened themselves to the message and let it sink in: It's not a crime to be a single, successful sister with standards. Just because one woman may have overlooked your potential, Ray-Ray, don't be pissy with all of us. 

Breathing in, breathing out. Okay, Bougienistas - Watch this video first and then I'll have a little chit and chat with you.


So ha-ha, right? Supposedly, the person(s) who created this video just wanted to highlight how difficult it is for the brothers to be heard by the sisters because we just want so damn much. We're self-absorbed, mercenary psuedo-Christians whose expectations for happiness are completely unrealistic. Right? I thinks not and I have a few comments:

1. Folks are going to have to make up their minds. Either black women are fat, unloved, lonely and thirsty or we're too fly for our own good and wouldn't recognize a "catch" if it was placed outside our front doors next to a burning bush.

2. I thought we (black bloggers, commentators, journalists, intellects, whatever) were trying to work towards decreasing the animosity of we vs. they. Mars vs. Venus. Lads vs. Ladies. I thought it had been decided that all the "black men ain't ish" and "black women need to recognize" books and posts and pimpin-assed videos simply weren't helpful. Or was that just me?

3. Okay, let's say I'm being sensitive and this is all in good fun. [It's possible] But um... what if this was reversed? How many men would find it just hilarious that women sent this around and said, "It's just SO true! That's why men stay single! They want too damn much." Actually, the quote from my Twitter stream was "This is why you high fallutin' b*tches stay single. " Ni-ice.

4. For every one chick like this overblown caricature, I could attach one of my many bougietales or a bougie bachelorette episode as a point/counterpoint. For every thirsty-as-hell sista, there's a beggin' assed brotha putting Keith Sweatt to shame. We know this. Any reason  to beat one side down over the other?

5. More solution-based problem solving, less animated pot shots. More conversation, less criticism. If people don't get how to do it, I invite them to spend a week perusing the BougieLand comments. We beef, we banter, we talk, we joke, we share, we learn. Men and women. We don't bash or ambush. And those that do get told about it with the swiftness. Hey, maybe that's the solution. We should spread the vibe of bougenificence everywhere. 

I could go on but truthfully, I didn't want to write about this hot mess to begin with. It rubbed me the wrong way (obviously). Maybe I'm tired of seeing the same-old, same-old Successful Single Sister who is alone because she's selfish, high-strung and thinks too highly of herself portrayed over and over again. Like the love of a good man is the only thing that will save her from her inevitable fate of sharing her big lonely bed with Fluffy for the rest of her days. Yep, that's probably it. Yet and still, I had 16 tweets and 22 emails asking me what I and the BougieLand faithful thought about it.

So what do you think about the "film"? All in good fun? Sad and tragic? Somewhat true? Just not helpful? Did I read too much into it? Should we make a response video? Thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours.

p.s. no rant tomorrow - I promise! Well, unless something really rantworthy happens.

129 comments:

Shondriette D Kelley said...

I heard about these videos on Twitter but didn't bother to watch them. However, my favorite blogs have dragged me in!! (FYI: there are actually 3 videos and all of them are equally foolish. 1 from the woman, 1 from the man and 1 from that's about dating in a hip-hop society.)

I think these vids were made as satire and we need to treat them as such. I'm not a stereotype and I try to not buy into stereotypes so I wasn't offended. To be honest, there's more than an ounce of truth in all of them so instead of getting angry folks need to use this as a time for self-reflection.

♞ they call me kj ♞ said...

i see it as an (over-the-top) satire, but at the same time, i see it (and the 'response' videos) as...how do i say this...attitudes being made more blatant. this is a society currently invested and interested in the individual, and if a union is to spring forth, maybe these videos can show (some) women the unattractive parts that they bring to the table, per se...

and i wouldn't mind if there was an equally outrageous video made to make light of men's preferences as well, to at least show (some) fellas that if you want a Proverbs 31 woman, you'll have to be an Ephesians 5 kinda guy (yea, i just read your previous post).

Shondriette D Kelley said...

There are 3 videos. They are all on YouTube.

EvolvingElle said...

So...I watched the video...and blogged about it (http://bit.ly/dC5DiX). I definitely thought it was over the top but highly comical in its over-characterization of black women. I have to admit though, I can be confusing at times, and I also know women who fit that bill. So for me it was an eye-opener. Should we do a rebuttal video? No, because we will fall back into the same cycle of he said/she said, you yell/I yell ridiculousness that got us into this mess in the first place. I even posted the video on my FB page and ALL of the men (1 being married) said something akin to, "It's true." I can't change all black women, but I can look in the mirror to make sure I'm putting the right vibe out there. And we ALL know you have enough stories to counteract any ridiculous negro that may come our way.

EvolvingElle said...

Uh, who knew there were 3 videos?!?! See what I mean (in my comment)?!?!? Back and forth...when will it end????

glamah@cococooks said...

I think this hits a nerve on both ends because unfortunately while its a parody ,there are many truthful elements we see day in and day out from both sexes.Notice its all about labels and status here, nothing about the real person. I find society makes us place so many labels, expectations, etc on what is right or proper.And most are trying so hard to fall into what society expects. Bottom line is that we loosen up and stop placing ourselves and others in a box, we eventually find what we are looking for and need. The pressure and labels need to be removed. There is nothing wrong with high expectations, but sometimes we miss seeing the forest through the trees.
If I followed everyone's expectation for me I would be a nut case and unhappy. I like being alone but following my heart, I found my perfect match who in the end was everything I wanted ( regardless if others see , get it, or not) .

NoNotPinkett said...

I'm going with "just not helpful." In fact, whenever I read/view/hear yet another of these “satires” telling black women how (not) to be, I’m reminded of this post by InkogNegro 2.25: http://inkognegro.wordpress.com/2010/05/27/on-men-tending-to-their-own-knitting/. If some women want to be choosy, let them; if some men reject that, they won’t get with those women. Problem solved, though I’d wager that female imperiousness only affects a rarified subset in practice; I’ve yet to come across a woman of any color whose standards are uniformly “too high”.

michaeldavis said...

make my Sonic with vodka please :)

baileyqc said...

I kinda feel it's been done to death. So I'll go with "just not helpful."
But to your larger discussion - yes, the world needs to get like BougieLand and learn to talk it out with a smile :-)

Javalicious said...

This is one of those - it was funny the first time.

Jesse said...

It's true in that yes, I know women who seem like this. But on the other hand, (like you've pointed out) there are men wanting that 10+ woman as well. I would refer both sides to your excellent post from yesterday.

Paul on Ice said...

I would lay odds this is based on someone the creator knows. He took care to zing very specific things. I see some HBCU haterade in the mix - LOL.
I thought it was funny but it's certainly not fresh or innovative and as you say Chele - it's not moving "the conversation" in the best direction but to each his own. Hustle on.

The Real Curvy Jones said...

I must not possess a sense of humor. I didn't really find it funny. On top of that it wasn't helpful.

MochaMuffin said...

As you said, Chele. Le Big Damn Sigh.
Enough already. I don't care if there are a series of fourteen with each person - this is the one I was sent six times with a "see?"
Sorry I think it does more harm than good.
It's one of the reasons I like your site so much. You are inclusive of all and try to see things from all sides. And even though you may rant from time to time - it's always done from a place of intelligence and humor.

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

The Death of Satire.

Satire used to be such a useful tool in dealing with complex issues.

Amateurs.

cocoaeyecandy said...

Your pic at the top totally rocks! The vid? Meh.
I get they were trying to be satirical.
Didn't work for me.

FreeBlackMan said...

I thought it hilarious in a "Oh we've heard this joke a million times before and it's still funny" kind of way. Beyond that, it doesn't impact my world at all. Meet a woman like this, onto the next.

CaliGirlED said...

Great comment! I will admit to being attracted to tall men. I don't know if it's because of the "patriarchal crap we are fed that teaches us that men need to protect us", because of all the men I felt safest with was my daughter's father, who was only 2 inches taller than me. (And I'm short). Although tall is my preference, I have dated short men as well. But you're right sometimes we subject ourselves to "miss out on great guys for silly and superficial reasons".

CaliGirlED said...

Tell me you didn't laugh when he said, "Holler if you hear me"....LOL at that! The timing was great!

LikeLena said...

I think you called this "Pimpin' for Pageviews" - they used an inflammatory topic to advertise their website. I don't know how many people have gone to their site but plenty have seen this.

rozb said...

Sonic smoothies with vodka, tequila or Jack Daniels is awfully refreshing!

CaliGirlED said...

I agree with you on this. I laughed too because it was so over the top, but yet, as with good comedy, there was some truth to it. We do have women who get so caught up with societal labels, as glamah referred to below, that they contradict themselves in a ridiculous manner. In the video she said I'm an independent woman who doesn't need a man. And I expect a man to open the door for me. *head cocked to the side saying "huh?"*

Yes you can be an independent woman and still appreciate a man displaying gentlemanly qualities. But when you say to a man, "I don't need a man!", you're saying that you don't need anything he has to bring. In that case, open the door your damnedself! IJS

I am an independent woman, but mostly for survival sake. I'm grateful though that I have this quality because I would never want to be totally independent on anyone. I feel that a woman should always be able to stand alone, even it it's just to hold up the family while her man is in a crisis. But for the most part I do what I have to do to take care of me and my daughter because I have to. So yes when a man comes along he can't just step in and "take over" without proving to me that he can. Hey I have another life that I am responsible for right now, and that life is even more important than my own. So that "protective shield" that I have up I'm sure can be a turn off, but I'm ok with that. I can't just bring anyone into our lives (i.e. pedofiles, abusers, users, etc.) So the one who will stand up to that shield and show what he can bring to enhance my life and that of my daughter's, will be THE ONE. All others have and will fall by the wayside. So yes, I am still single, and yes, I have never been married. (And crazy as it may sound, I have recently raised my standards! Lest I fall into any more long relationships that don't work out. Red flags exist for a reason, and so now I stop with the nonsense early.)

Leon X said...

Isn't the reason why videos are made like this is because we really haven't addressed the issue? The other problem is when men and women try to discuss this issue they end up going into sweeping generalizations about each other and nothing gets discussed as a result. That is why I didn't like "Diary Of A Tired Black Man." Tim Alexander had a great attempt at addressing black male-female relationships and he totally dropped the ball.

Andrea M said...

Let me get out the tambourine and cut a praise step for this one. I'm not asking for the moon and the stars in the sky. I don't beat men over the head with a bible or my credentials. So where's the video about that?

datdudeincali said...

Which is why (no brown-nosing, Chele but) we need sites like this one on a larger scale. Not currying favor but I've actually worked out some real ish through the posts and subsequent comments here. It gives me hope that the woman I seek exists.

blackprofessor said...

I have seen all 3 videos, including the one with Tyrone and Becky (white woman). I found some parts funny but wondered if the creator was laughing with us or at us, which kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Like you said, this is not helpful for moving the conversation forward.

There appears to be such a huge disconnect between Black men and Black women that productive and constructive conversation has fallen by the wayside. Do folks who embody these caricatures exist? Sure but probably in minute numbers. I want to discuss why people with "normal" expectations have such a hard time finding compatible mates.

OneChele said...

That self-reflection would be great if people would take a second to do it. Instead one launches a flame-o-gram attack, another retaliates and it's back to a Ebony Mars vs. Caramel Venus all over again. ;-)

OneChele said...

Points for referencing yesterday's post!

OneChele said...

Excellent point.

OneChele said...

Roz - ya sippin' spiked Sonic at 9:00am? LMAO!

OneChele said...

I can say out of the legions of women I know, only one fits that "ridic expectation" description. And we just pray for her. She's waiting on someone to part the sea and walk on water.

OneChele said...

Oooo - T-Shirt "Get Like BougieLand"

ASmith said...

*bangs head against desk*

Do I need to say anything else? Prolly not. Let me go like someone's comment who said something worth life, cause I'm... I'm tired.

OneChele said...

Such an enlightened answer ;-)

OneChele said...

I am liking all the BougieLand love today.

rozb said...

Um...no...just thinking about how good it will taste at maybe three in the afternoon?

OneChele said...

LOL! I was going to stage a Bougie Intervention and everything. ;-)

OneChele said...

Well of course she does. I completely and utterly believe that there is someone for everyone out there. Call me a hopeful romantic, I believe there are probably a few someones out there for everyone. It's the finding them that's hard. And keeping them that's harder. But that's a whole other blog topic.

GrownAzzMan said...

I have no problem with someone having high standards. As long as patience comes with them. Cali it sounds like you have both. One of the things that makes this whole conversation about single women funny is it assumes that everyone wants to be in a relationship and they should proceed to get in one as soon as possible. Many people are perfectly with their lives as they are.

GrownAzzMan said...

I will go with all in good fun and somewhat true.
Maybe it's because I am coming from a place of relationship contentment but I thought they were all funny. Obviously gilfriend is a composite of the laundry list of what women want but I have to tell you I heard/read a lot of this when I used to visit dating sites. As for Tyrone and Becky he killed me with 'holla if you hear me' (said in perfect bougie properness...LOL) and I loved when he shut her down and said he was all in for black women. The part about 6 kids, cooking every day while rocking a flat stomach, stilletos and an occasional Beyonce vibe lets you know this was a complete farce. I just didn't take any of it too seriously.

LadyWisdom said...

I just heard about this video on Tom Joyner and knew you would have the scoop on it. I simply don't think this video is helpful. Successful Single Sisters have enough stereotypes with to contend. How does this contribute to a mature honest dialogue between the sexes. Why not discuss how to cross the gulf between African-American men and women, who unlike those in other cultural/ethnic groups struggle to pair, instead of formulating a caricature of a small percentage of the female population the video's creature may have encountered. When will it be popular for brothers to honor the sisters and vise versa?

maureen palmer said...

Can't follow JaymeC, I can only say, I think you two have a good thing going on. Sometimes you have to let some of these things happen on universe time.

Another great writing by Chele, I peeped at the blog during lunch hour and over suddenly wanted to leave work and get home; something very cuddly about the topic today.

Kimistry101 said...

I could see the jest of it being that has been a hot button issue for minute now...I didn't take it seriously, nor do I feel the need to catch AND carry everything thrown at me.

brownstocking said...

I got that from my own father a few years ago. He told me to lie about my Master's, tone down my vocab, etc.

Yep. From the man who helped raise me to the overachieving woman I am, the messages are out there, and it does pit gender against gender. I'm going to listen to TIH and just unplug from it all. I was through when I listened to a BBC documentary about the Single Black Woman. BBC covering this BS?! Ugh. Donesville.

brownstocking said...

PREACH, PASTOR!

brownstocking said...

there is one, i didn't think it was that funny, either...

tiffanyinhouston said...

I haven't watched the video. I probably won't either. Ya'll's commentary is enough to let me know I haven't missed anything that hasn't been done to death, already.

But what I really wanted to say is this: Prior to meeting my now-husband, I had to take a break from all things black relationships and their subsequent death. My Google reader was full of SBMs, VSBs, Single Girl in (Insert X) City and the likes. I had just come off of dealing with a "recycled" dude from my early 20s who I thought had grown up but hadn't. I was full of piss and quite a lot of vinegar. I was tart. I had a tantrum at my mother's kitchen table where I told her not to not expect any grandchildren from me and to accept the fact that I wasn't getting married, because I had. She looked at me as if I had grown 3 heads and said: "This is so not like you. This is not even of your personality. WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO ANGRY?"

Her words jabbed me. When DID I become so angry? I had always bounced back from relationship snafu's before so what was so different this time.

I don't get into a lot of psycho babble but I will say this, what you absorb from outside media can influence how you think and to some degree how you feel. Of course, constant reading of a relationship shouldn't make you want to cut your wrists with a butter knife, but the barrage of he-said, she said that goes hand in hand with the black gender wars, both online and in real life, was enough to make me really take stock and say I need to fall back. I had to get my mind right, ya'll. I'm a person of faith so I had to pray. I had to talk to my folks, I had to talk to my SANE married friends and I had to stop bitching so much to my single friends. I just STOPPED for a while.

This little video, satire or not, is just another bit of noise that you have to decide if you want to absorb or not. I personally say don't, because right about now it's not adding value. And if you are close to the place, I was at around that time you don't really need it in your life. Don't you absorb enough bullshit as it is???

CorettaJG said...

A co-worker sent me a link to the BBC take on the plight of African-American women. I was like, the BBC is on this as well? Goodness!

CaliGirlED said...

Had to grab my bible. I sure did enjoy the bible study that came out of yesterday and today's post.

If Barry is lurking, he's saying to hisself, "I picked the wrong one to go "scripture" on!"

Oregonsistah said...

http://www.averagebro.com/ there were three parts to this...not sure you were able to see the other two..

MariSol said...

I saw it at VSB and another site and was PRAYING Chele would share her thoughts. She did. I'm happy.

keishabrown said...

ah.. i knew you wouldn't let me down!!
one of my fave blogs covered this today.. and i dont know if i was mad or sad that people (men and women alike) thought it was so damn hilarious.
so i'll repeat what i said on there:
i get that we can't take life so serious all the time. not everything is meant to be dissected to death
but how many blows to the body/ego/self-image/self-esteem do i gotta keep taking? it’s hard enough in real life..but constantly in e-life too???
in sum: satire my a$$. im sotired of being satired.

michaeldavis said...

I can see your point of view. But I look at it the same way some Black folks act like the whole race is taking a hit b/c of the Antoine Dotsons and Flavor Flavs of the world. Me? I don't care b/c they aren't talking about me. Other races don't take it personal like we sometimes do. Any story about sisters being single is always buttressed by the fallacy that every black man is in jail, DL, or has 5 kids.

GrownAzzMan said...

Pure Choco, and others who might be wondering, dont.hide.anything. You will have to share your accomplishments eventually and what then? Besides, if a man is so WEAK that he can't handle your success, you don't want him anyway. SMH!

Evansaw said...

Mr. Right does not mean Mr. Perfect. Even if this fembot was to find the man of which she speaks in this video, she will find down the road that you cannot set a list for the perfect mate. People are human; it does not matter how much they make, how tall they are, how sensitive, how hood, etc. relationships are about being committed. There is no one that is going to everything you desire in life, a relationship is about growing together and complimenting each other. That's it, that all. We need to stop putting together "wish lists" and deal with the everyday people we come in contact with. There is nothing wrong with having standards, but don't make your standards so high that no one can reach that level.

OneChele said...

Bible again ;-) Matthew 5:15

Pure Choco said...

My mother told me that (tone down your education and accomplishments until after he gets to know you) while my grandmother was telling me not to hide my light under a bushel. (Where does it come from?) Anyway, I kind of walk the line of medium disclosure.

Pure Choco said...

Girl, Beauqueisha?!

Stank_0 said...

I don't think the expectations are the problem. We can all find someone, keeping them is the problem. My S/O and I have rough patches because unfortunately we are remarkably similar (stubborn as old mules, educated, highly opinionated, etc). It helps greatly in some areas but hurts greatly in other areas.

If we start with the premise that we don't deserve anything, we can probably progress faster and further.

CaliGirlED said...

TRUTH!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Ok I must crawl out from under the rock I'm apparently under! This is my first time seeing a video like this.

CaliGirlED said...

IlovemesomeRiley! LMAO!!!

"Find you one person to lick, like, or love" *DEAD*

CaliGirlED said...

Fed 5,000 with two fish and five loaves of bread. ;-)

MelaninEnriched said...

I've only seen this video that's posted, I'll go watch the other two and comment on those.
I guess for me, I felt some kind of way about this video IN PARTICULAR because it's always the SAME thing about WHY BW can't find a man. Generalizations are a necessary evil because there is no way one could encompass ALL BW's or BM's traits; it's just simply impossible, so although I may not agree with some of them, I understand it (to a degree). While I will agree that there is SOME truth in this video, the bigger message seems to be (to me) that BW have standards that are TOO HIGH across the board. And it's been echoing quite loudly recently. For instance, I think Nelly (I know, not a scholar, BUT he does have a following, so I must reference someone who people actually LISTEN to) said that "he thinks that some girls want the perfect guy", even Phaedra Parks (entertainment lawyer who married an ex-con and now on RHOA) stated "..as a Black woman, unfortunately, in our community more than anything a lot of times Black men have had legal problems. And every Black woman who says that Black men with legal problems cannot be considered as a mate, then we help with the genocide of our own community...." wait, wait, what??
Personal example: I had a "crush" on this doctor (resident) at one of the hospitals where I worked. To me, he was attractive (in a nerdy way), very nice and considerate (which is actually what made me look at him again), obviously educated, tall, etc. Anyway, when I told my coworker who my "crush" was, he was like, "Aiming kind of high, aren't you?" I was like, "Well damn, I guess I should be aiming for the janitor, huh?" BTW, I'm a professional as well, just not a doctor, so I REALLY felt some kind of way about that statement. My point is, although I do believe there is SOME truth to this particular video, it just seems to perpetuate the idea that BW have standards that are just WAY too high for us and we shouldn't be so picky (for whatever reason.) Like I tell my friends, I guess I should be satisfied that a man who is interested in me has a d**k and a job. That seems to be what people are saying is good enough for the BW. I recognize the satire as well as the contradictions of this video.

Leon X said...

And that is the crux of the biscuit © Frank Zappa. The idea that only black women make lists or that only black men are on the DL is a fallacy. These behaviors are not germane to just us.

SingLikeSassy said...

::clapping::

thinklikeRiley said...

All that ish is stupid. Need to get back to the simple. Someone is looking at you right now thinking they wanna hit. Start there. Find you one person to lick, like, or love - whatever your preference and tell the rest of the world to back to eff up. All this love drama happens when you aren't planning the hell out of it anyway.

SingLikeSassy said...

"relationships are about being committed. There is no one that is going to be everything you desire in life, a relationship is about growing together and complimenting each other. That's it, that all." <--::closing book, cause that's the last word right there::

YardieChicie said...

I just looked at it as an example of the FEW infuriating women who make it a trying experience for the rest of us. I seriously know a few women who are like this - not friends, I just know them - who are female-Barrys ('memba him?).

MelaninEnriched said...

Wow, the BBC??
Hopefully I can still be saved and just listen to NPR. Or is to late?
Cue "doomsday music"---doom, doom, doooommmm!

MelaninEnriched said...

LOL, no, the good credit is asking too much!

Evansaw said...

....and since we have seen this scenario over and over the last few years (the video and others like it) I say, two thumbs down.

Moet With Medusa said...

The videos are definitely a more poveribal way of beating the dead horse. The characterizations in the videos are familiar and a bit troublesome. The so called catastrophic black men/women relationship is so tiresome and propagandized. I think the creator(s) of the videos are trying to provoke dialogue and it has worked once again. The ridiculous generalizations and insecure musings need to end.

Rob said...

My biggest beef was that it was like pizza that's been nuked too many times. It was enjoyable once but now it's kind of lifeless and unappetizing.

rozb said...

Isn't there a saying that goes something like "It's three in the afternoon somewhere"? No? I guess I'll wait for it to be three pm in Virginia...*kicks rocks*

OneChele said...

Reason #5011 why I love me some Ashley.

rozb said...

I saw that late one night on Showtime and the main character's wife was a head case! Then he interviewed several bitter angry men in a barbershop (giving laser-beam side eye to the vicious heavy-set man there) and then snippets of the movie. Everything was generalized and stereotyped to death! It could have done a lot for creating positive dialog but it ended up as something to be defensive about...

GrownAzzMan said...

This right here ----> "Meanwhile, I am going to chill out with a nice tropical fruit smoothie from Sonic laced with tequila and watch the craziness happen."
And the world would be a better place...

OneChele said...

*whispers* Never! This argument is as old as time.

OneChele said...

Wow at that story. Just wow. "Aiming kinda high?" The hell you say?
Doctors aren't Gods. My father was one. My older brother is one. I just...
oh, I said no more rants this week right.
Girl, I feel you. Keep on keeping on.

Rob said...

The fact that you are still romantic, optimistic and upbeat after some of your BougieTales tells me that everybody (I mean EVERYBODY) needs to get out there with a smile on their face and make it do what it do. No shade.

OneChele said...

I can officially retire from the conversation now because THIS RIGHT HERE says it all. Thank you newly married lady ;-)

MelaninEnriched said...

Thanks TIH! This was a good post. I think I need to follow in your footsteps with this. I'm actually at the point where I don't think I'll get married and I'm really OK with it. I lead a good life as a single gal and if it doesn't happen, so be it. BUT, I do need to not absorb/read so much of this. I love this blog though!

OneChele said...

Now that you mention it. It's Happy Hour some damn where. Start the blender!

rozb said...

Now THIS is the attitude to take! Love your insightful post, TIH and I applaud you. *raising my Sonic tumbler to you*

rozb said...

He should have a d**k, a job, AND good credit...(being my sarcastic self). Your co-worker sounds like he is on some bitter mess. Keep your standards and go for what you like! Let everybody else try to keep spewing tarnish on your shine while you just keep moving forward.

William Martin said...

Turn water into wine?

William Martin said...

Matching belt and pocket square for an extra $9.99 + tax.

William Martin said...

Chele - "Ebony Mars vs Caramel Venus"?! ROTFLMAO

William Martin said...

My thoughts on this video - Yawn. Been there, bought the postcard, mailed it to someone who cared.
Next?

William Martin said...

I'm a doctor (resident) and this pissed me off. Please holla at old boy if he's still around, he's probably dying for some realness. We get irritated by Peaches on the come up just like y'all get approached by Pookie. I'll take one professional sister not wowed by the MD or calculating what carat diamond she wants.

Carey Jackson said...

I'll bring cups and ice.

LadyAntoine said...

I mean really who gives a damn. We could make video upon video of the relationship happenings between black men and women. Some are hilarious because they're all too true and some are not so hilarious because they're all too true. And if it's all too true, it most definitely applies to you lol. At the end of the day confidence in who you are, and the strength to never settle regardless, never goes outta style:)

Aisha said...

wow i couldn't even finish the damn video it was so insulting and rude. not every single successful woman is like this, nor are they all looking for a man. i should point out to this creator (??) that not every woman needs or wants a man in her life, yeah sometimes they are great to have but you know what, sometimes not. Standards are there for a reason, if you don't meet them there is a girl who turns 18 everyday who doesn't have her standards set yet, go find one of them. what's the saying Don't hate the playa hate the game" yeah someone needs to share that with him
and now Im done!!

nubianqueenbeez said...

I don't watch 'Millionaire Matchmaker', but this article shows that even white women have a list.


http://www.tvsquad.com/2010/10/18/patti-stanger-millionaire-matchmaker-interview/?icid=main|main|dl2|sec1_lnk3|178642

Her list seems reasonable to me.

Gods_Man said...

That is the funny thing about the video. The computerized voice mangles the web address at the end. They didn't even but the url of their site/podcast in the description on youtube. So whatever site they were pushing is getting lost.

CaliGirlED said...

You're right, everyone does not want to be in a relationship. Although some people don't know what they want! LOL

I want to be in a relationship (a good healthy one), and will admit that I was a tad bit thirsty for a second (I did say a tad bit), but I have such a thick wall around me, it's hard to tell. I will also admit that I was "wukin pa nub in all da wong places" (Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat). But with what I have at stake, most importantly the safety and well-being of my daughter, I have to be careful. I've dated guys who to this day don't even know what my daughter looks like. So if I have to stay single, or unmarried, until she's out of high school, sobeit. Better than being in jail for takin a ninja out for hurting my baby! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

That's what I was going to say!

CaliGirlED said...

I have the vodka covered!

rozb said...

Worse - Steve's suits come in pastel and sherbet colors. No - my man doesn't wear that tomfoolery at all.

CaliGirlED said...

Rozb please forgive me for the quiver that I got when I read, "He is a hard worker who puts on jeans and workboots..." My imagination saw nice body! And.that.is.my.weakness. And yes you should brag! But it's not really bragging, it's more like giving your man acknowledgement for being among the chosen few.



You are stupid for the "Steve Harvey Splendid Special"! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Maybe Chele will make one. ;-)

Diana said...

For the record, as the resident "Becky" in BougieLand, I'm also tired of the stereotype of the ditzy blond chick out snatching up all the good AA men. It's hard enough finding a "good man" of any rainbow flavor without fighting the stereotype too.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Everybody has a list. Ours just tend to get mocked more often.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Don't sic him on the 18 year old girls - they don't know enough to recover!

AppleBerryMIA said...

Now this I like. Thank you. I will feel free to ignore the next 22 of these that get forwarded to me.

AppleBerryMIA said...

We like a good OneChele rant!

AppleBerryMIA said...

Well, I'm half Becky-half Beauqueisha so people don't know what to make of me.

OneChele said...

Make the blind see and the crippled walk? We could do this all day. :-)

JaymeC said...

Well, you're right. This kind of video while amusing for a moment just reinforces the kind of negativism we're trying to move away from.

rocheejeffrey said...

Although I don't play for the heterosexual team, I have to agree with this video. I actually think that being a lesbian offers me terrific insight, because most of my friends are straight black women. Many of my friends espouse some of these contradictory ideals and it is actually kind of amusing to listen to them and watch their dating travails. But, I think this is a universal problem. Women of all races who are successful often share these values which are based on some fantasy pumped and fed to us since childhood. I hear women tell me all the time, "Oh he is great but he isn't tall enough", or "He is great but he doesn't dress well enough." I had one woman say, "Oh, I need a man to be desirous of me." But when men showed her attention and that they were interested she thought they were being pressed. And everyone is entitled to their standards, but don't be surprised when your standards cause you to miss out on great guys for silly and superficial reasons. What does height have to do with anything? That is some patriarchal crap we are fed that teaches us that men need to protect us...blah blah blah. And once you are in a relationship, can't you take a man shopping to find better clothes?

The video also points out the fact that educated/successful black women are a little more complex than most, because we have two conflicting ideals and are balancing two worlds. So, yeah we want the educated black man who golfs and attends wine tastings, but we want him to exhibit stereotypical elements of "blackness". He has to be stereotypically masculine (in black terms), or as the video pointed out, he has to be thuggish. And I think these standards create confusion for men and women.

michaeldavis said...

exactly! I'm not sure why people are personalizing it so. It's obviously a farce, not saying that every sister in America 100% fits this mold.

rozb said...

Forgiven!

CorettaJG said...

The post from yesterday was excellent and I think the March 2, 2010 post (and comments) can also shed light on this http://www.blacknbougie.com/2010/03/stop-telling-me-how-i-think-what-to-do.html. Y'know, there is usually an iota of truth to every stereotype. I recognize some truth in the video, but then what? It's so over the top. I think an essential part of the solution is conversation and yet more conversation between the parties so each understand why there is such a dichotomy in a person. There are plenty of reasons that come from history, family, church, regions, etc. Then you can worry about taking care of of what is specific to the one you're with and leave the other people that you choose not to deal with alone. I know I have my standards and I'm good with them.

Brown Babe said...

Exactly! I've actually never thought of it in that light, but that makes so much sense. It also seems to me, from what I've seen, that it is when you've gotten to this point where you decide its high time to tune out the nonsense and unplug from the Matrix that your vision becomes way clearer and Mr. Right makes himself seen.

Food for thought...

michaeldavis said...

Michele - I'm glad you posted because I think your readership is open-minded enough to see this is an extreme. There is a response that's out there that focuses on men as well (can't get to the link).

We need to laugh at ourselves from time to time. To me they were both funny (including the one in which we men caught a beating) .

While the caricature is an extreme, I think there is some truth in both videos. In the response video, I doubt dude has six kids. I doubt women are as unrealistic as portrayed. But in some cases, both sexes have a "list" that's a little too long.

I have some single successful female friends who are very close to what's described, and I have some that are the BOMB and if it wasn't for fear of losing the friendship I would have asked them out a long time ago.

Tell me you didn't laugh when he said, "Holler if you hear me" - he really should have raised the roof onscreen after he said that.

I Am Me said...

Riley becoming resident truth-ologist. Chele keep it bougie, Riley strips it raw.

rozb said...

I have dated tall, short, light, dark, younger than me, older than me...you get the point. I love men. My standards don't necessarily point to having to be perfection, but someone who is perfect for me.

Currently, the man in my life is spiritual, but not preachy and hypocritical. He is a hard worker who puts on jeans and workboots (brick mason), but is wonderful, phoine (yes I intended to spell it that way!), and comfortable in a suit and tie (not the Steve Harvey Splendid Special either!) He is kind, gentle, protective, and lets me know every day how proud he is of me and everything I have achieved. And on top of that he treats me like I am made of platinum but is able to pull my coattail if I get out of pocket (as we all know we can do.) I have been blessed.

Am I bragging? Yes. But I would rather marinate on my man's good qualities and my great fortune, than trying to check for a brother with shiny nails, silky drawers, and crazy loot who may not have my best interests at heart. Everything else falls into place from there...

Virtuouskween said...

I think we should definitely put out a response video. Men have a long list of what they want from a woman too.

ASmith said...

I couldn't just like this... I had to go one and comment. Amen.

I definitely agree that this is an extreme satirization (<-- is that a word? no? didn't think so). However, my concern remains that not enough guys know that. Maybe the creator(s) realize it. Some guys who watched this probably do as well (probably because they watched it with their boo who is NOT like that), but way too many dudes are walking away from this going "uh-huh, spot on brother..." and never stopping to think of how THEY contribute.

Son, if homegirl is talking mess, of ANY type, walk away. On to the next, please. I think it's funny that it's black women who keep being told to step outside of our comfort zones to find a man, but black men aren't told the same. Maybe it's because as a community we haven't figured out how to stretch (though, it shouldn't be a stretch) that logic to personality types instead of race. You go to the same places, you find the same people. So yeah, every woman you meet just might be like homegirl in the video; stop GOING THERE. Lord have mercy, I'm tired of sounding like a broken record.

Same goes for us ladies. Homeboy acting like he needs a Proverbs 31 woman but can't find Ephesians, let alone tell you what an Ephesians 2 man looks like... well, let's just gather our things and keep it pushing.

We make too much outta all this. On both sides. Quit trying to fit square pegs in round holes.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

-->Mr. Right does not mean Mr. Perfect.<-- case closed

Mr. Skyywalker said...

I didn't have anything to say about your comment but your username is winning.

cocoaeyecandy said...

Probably because the joke is only funny the first 25 times you hear it. Especially if it's based on something that's a little painful for some people. You tend to lose your sense of humor being the butt of the joke time after time after time.

rozb said...

I have to be honest with Bougieland: I thought the videos were hilarious, and here's why: they are so removed from my reality that I can only look at them as satire. We have been having this conversation for so long that it begins to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to me: WAA WAA WAA WAA WAA.

Chele - I don't know you personally, but your blog and its postings are relevant, elegant, and amusing, while at the same time educational and true-to-life. I don't see you as that parody - as a matter of fact, I would love for someone to show an actual Black woman who is all of those things (maybe Omarossa?) As for Black men, I have met guys who have some of those qualities, and these are exaggerated, but if he is approaching that level of foolishness, I do not stick around for the conversation.

Have I been accused of being the stereotypical Black woman who can't find a man? Yes. Did these folks know me or try to get to know me? No. There you have it - it is what it is, somebody has found some new media to play with, and we are going to be inundated with response videos, then CNN is going to do a special on why Black women can't take a joke, until the next crisis or have-to-see thing happens. Meanwhile, I am going to chill out with a nice tropical fruit smoothie from Sonic laced with tequila and watch the craziness happen. As for you Chele, just keep being brilliant, sassy, and Bougie. These are the things you do well, and no amount of silly-assed sophomoric videos can change that.

Rob said...

Not the Steve Harvey Splendid Special - that comes with matching lace-up gators and fedora right? In rainbow colors? LOL!

Liselle said...

Isn't there anything else people can talk about for a minute? Give the single sisters a break?

CaliGirlED said...

AMEN!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Not $9.99 + tax! LOL

aishao1122 said...

Hey we all gotta learn sometime LOL yeah nah wouldn't want to be the woman he comes to with this shiggity hanging all around.

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