Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"I'm not ready to settle down" & other signs that you're stuck in the Smash/Friend Zone.

"I'm not ready to settle down" - well, that's something folks should say early and often if that's what they really mean. But if that's being uttered right after naked aerobics, it could mean something else. That Law & Order "doink-doink" sound you hear? That is someone being placed firmly in  "friend zone" or "smash 'n dash" limbo. Buddy or booty call, those are the only options made available to some. Let's take a look at some other phrases that are the difference between Mr/Mrs Right and Mr/Mrs Right now.

I love you but I'm not in love with you - I'm sad to say I have used this one and received the laser beam side-eye. What you're really being told is that while they have feelings for you, there's not enough sparkle/chemistry to make it work as a romance. Chemistry (generally) is either there or not, hard to manufacture (worse to fake).

We're so good together... in bed - Anytime a qualifier is tacked on, you already know. If you were hoping for more, don't stick around. Just pick up your boxer (or panties) and roll out. Beware of follow-up statements such as, "I have to get up early in the morning" and "Let yourself out." Hmpfh, may want to double-check the nightstand for services rendered payment. Just sayin'.

We just weren't meant to be together... that way - Again, a qualifier but in a different way. Simply put... they aren't feeling you like that - keep your clothes on. You may also hear,"You're such a great person" and "You're the best friend ever." Enjoy the Friend Zone, you're in deep.

I don't think I'm cut out for marriage - Please see "I'm not ready to settle down" above also refer to "I'm not marriage material", "I have years before I'm going to think about that", "Commitment is not my thing." Come on now, do they really need to tell you more than this? Do they need a sign saying "I'm just a player" tattooed on their nether regions before you catch a clue? 

I don't want to ruin our friendship - Resist the urge to say "This conversation isn't helping" and listen. Is it that your friendship is so great, it can't go to the next level or that the person isn't feeling you that way or that they are truly scared they can't be what you need and the friendship will be impacted. There's generally always more to that statement than what's on the surface.

I should've met you years ago -Also disguised as "Our timing is never right" or "Maybe if things we're different." It's terrible to hear but it doesn't always mean the person isn't interested in you in that way. I have heard cases where the planets did eventually align and folks were able to make a go of it. 

I'm glad we're keeping this casual - Sometimes stated as "Let's just keep things simple." Stock up on flavored massage lotion and Trey Songz tunes, you're the cut buddy. Simple = naked when needed. Casual = you're not the only one I'm naked with. If you're cool with it, cool. Now, the casual cut buddy can be elevated to legit relationship status but one (or both) of you is going to have to keep your clothes on long enough to talk about it. Good luck.

We'll have to take time one day to talk about the non-verbal signs that you're stuck in the friend zone (the back pat vs. the hug, the cheek vs. lip kiss, among others). The non-verbal signs that you're "just the smash 'n dash" maintenance worker are fairly obvious... or they should be.

So tell me BougieLand, what catch phrase clich├ęs have you heard that let you know exactly where you stand? Have you used these? Have any tales of escaping the friend/smash zone? Do share.

Tomorrow: "What happened was..." & other signs that some sneaky-freaky may be going on. 

53 comments:

BlackestBerry said...

Classic line from my sometimes f-buddy. "So are we friends or f***ing or what?"

Evansaw said...

That means don't waste your time. Not only is he not good about wrapping up unfinished business, he does not mind getting some on the side. Not a good look.......

Javalicious said...

Had guy say he was single but not "free" - what does that even mean?

Violet Rose said...

Oh - I have one "I have feelings for you but not THAT way" - ooo-kay, allow me to pickup my face off the floor and walk away (into the Friend Limboland).

SBChitownChick said...

My favorite (yes this is sarcasm) is when someone combines one from yesterday "I don't want to hurt you" with one from today "I don't want to ruin our friendship" - it's like, I get it "You're just not that ino me"

JustPassingBy said...

"I wish I could give you more"

mojitochica said...

My first thought is he's full of shiggity.

Cassie said...

Love this series! I'll admit to telling a guy "I only want you for one thing" tacky, but all I wanted was a little tune up then. He was okay with it at first but wanted more and was not happy that I wouldn't get with the problem. When he stormed out the last time, he said "You're going to miss out on me!" Really?

jake said...

Cause he is full of shiggity. That means nothing.

Man's World said...

Okay, I need people to stop saying the ambiguous "I want to be with you" - what does that even mean? Be with me in what way, for how long, and is that exclusive?

Liselle said...

Should be followed by "Then why don't you?"

Dr. Peppa said...

Just had the "our timing isn't right" discussion, it was not well received. But again,is there ever any good way to say "not now, maybe later, I still like you?"

BB Waite said...

Not really. Again, best to shoot straight and keep it moving.

OneChele said...

"You're gonna miss out on me"? Wow. That's a whole other level right there.

baileyqc said...

THIS. RIGHT. HERE. Please add "You're very special to me"- uh huh, how, in what way, for how long?
Clarification needed.

MochaDudeSpeaks said...

Picture of dude on the treadmill is priceless.

FreeBlackMan said...

Someone said it yesterday - (or maybe I thought it) State what you're doing up front, that way there is no confusion. You don't accidentally find yourself in a relationship or naked. Conscious decisions have to be made. Once people grow up and approach these interactions with some straightforward maturity, we'll all be better off. Yup, I already know I'm asking too much.

diamond life said...

Why say "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now" when you really mean "with you." Cause if you meet the right person, I'm sure all the other crap goes out the window.

Andrea M said...

Roommate brought a guy home who said on the way to her bedroom "Are you going to be offended if after we finish I grab a sandwich and leave?"

rozb said...

A point blank "EEEEEWWWW! Get off me, Ninja!" should relieve anyone of any doubt as to where they stand (or lay).

Chele - where do you get the pics for your posts? They are perfect!

Mr.TramueL said...

Mr.TramueL's observation of Human Nature: He or She probably told you in the very beginning what he or she wanted. You then chose to listen with your mouth instead of your ears. {Inserting "long story short" of a True Story} Dude: "I told you up front that I didn't want a relationship" Translation: I just want sex. Dudette: "I know, I thought I could change you." Translation: I think of my V-Jay-Jay as a platinum encrusted piece with diamonds, it can change the world, why not you? The End.

rozb said...

A smash, snack, and dash special? Wow!

CaliGirlED said...

I agree straightforwardness is the best policy. But it doesn't always ensure "better off" or that there won't be confusion down the line. Take for example Cassie's story (below). She told dude up front what she wanted, he said cool. But then when he changed his mind and wanted more, or maybe just never admitted it from the gate, he thought he could change her mind. When Cassie stuck to the friendship she originally proposed to him, he was offended.

CaliGirlED said...

I'll be offended if you grab that snack, but if you just leave, we'll be aiight!

Mr.TramueL said...

Oh! I've said "I wanna make sure I'm happy before I can make sure that you are happy" followed by "It's me, not you." Science.

CaliGirlED said...

Unfortunately, this is so very true and happens a lot. But don't get it twisted it happens the other way too (see Cassie's story below). Translation: I think my Johnson was dipped in platinum and spews out gold. It's God's gift to women, how can you walk away from this? The End.

Mr.TramueL said...

Not twisted. Definitely understand that it happens in reverse. I couldn't hide the fact that I have a penis on this one though.

Evansaw said...

I have been out of the dating game for a couple of decades now, but it is nice to know the more things change, the more they stay the same.

CaliGirlED said...

I take it you didn't mean it. Any particular reason why you couldn't be straight up with her?

Mr.TramueL said...

In my mind I did mean it. I was struggling with my "position in life" & some of the things that come along with Mr.TramueL, (ex)wife, kids ... I subconsciously sabotaged that relationship preempting the (in my mind) strike of "that ninja ain't isht" I stole so I wouldn't get stole on.

CaliGirlED said...

The exact same! I have taken a hiatus from dating.

I wish marriage was more appealing to more single Black men, but they run from it like the plague because of the horror stories they hear from their married buddies. But they don't consider the fact that if your boy married for the booty, no wonder he ended up with an ASS!

CaliGirlED said...

Wow very enlightening! Thanks for sharing.

J B said...

The worst is when you're told "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"...and they're in one the next time you see them....4 months later.

Deb B said...

I read the whole exchange but I have to say it's a major pet peeve of mine when guys use this "you think a cape hangs out of the vijayjay" meme. When right now? Men (particularly) black men have been told that they are the most wanted commodity on the planet and we should feel lucky if you give us half a look.
Minor vent. Sorry but I'm over the whole "women think they're all that" chorus. We don't get a chance to think we're all that.

FlirtyNerd said...

I had to step out of Lurker Kingdom to comment on this post!

I can't stand it when you ask a man what kind of relationship he's looking for or wants, he says "I'm just chillin'...trying to make friends." Translation: "I'm trying to meet and smash as many women as I can without a concrete commitment to any of them." I had one dude tell me that there was nothing wrong with him sleeping with all of his female friends because he's not "involved" with any of them. I then asked him if they knew about each other (or at least knew that he was sleeping with multiple people) and he said not that he knew of and that it wasn't their business.

I replied "When does it become their business? Before or after the penicillin?" The conversation, in conjunction with the bewildered look on his face, was more than enough for me to hightail it outta there.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Some people (men and women both) say they are "keeping it casual" when there are just smashing everybody. Full disclosure please.

OneChele said...

Welcome out of LurkerLand.

OneChele said...

Gettyimages.com

GrownAzzMan said...

Cali is right. I would think that this flip flop happens way more then we think. I am a direct guy and have had several occasions when I got hit later on with "I know you said that but I thought it would change after we got to know each other better. #FAIL

GrownAzzMan said...

@ Cali so you can F--- 'em but you don't wanna feed 'em? LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

I think this happens a lot. Do unto others before the do unto you.

GrownAzzMan said...

Deb, it may be regional but I will tell you that in Cali a lot of women think their vijayjay is manna from heaven and you should feel fortunate if they consider allowing you to smell it after several expensive dinners are purchased.
Yeah I said it...LOL

Melzie said...

"I don't want to ruin our friendship" is a valid one in my book, although you could still end up not being friends. The whole I know this ain't right but my cookie needs some nookie line in the sand can be a trip *crossing arms and pouting*

OneChele said...

Officially dead at "my cookie needs some nookie"

OneChele said...

I see you, GAM. *side-eye*

GammasWorld said...

You're on it this week :)

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO!!! All I'm sayin is should I happen to be in the smash and dash mood, dude might want to know where the nearest drive thru is.

CaliGirlED said...

That cookie will get you in trouble everytime! LOL

Stank_0 said...

I think it's a tad deeper than that [ll]. Not even considering the fact that most men want to be on some kind of economic level prior to marriage or the fact that some women consider an upwardly mobile black man a unicorn thus allowing him to play the field like the NCAA tournament; we see our homies get married and by their own admission their lives are not markedly better. I do have one very close friend and they are making it do what it do in their marriage but he confided he's scared of having children. I told him no one is completely ready for that.

Then factor in divorce and the fact men (regardless of "race") get taken to the cleaners in divorce proceedings (child support, alimony, etc.) is it really that surprising?

To preempt the divorce talk and how we shouldn't focus on the negative, etc etc., I look at reality and the reality is that if I'm going to get married I should be very wary about it.

Now the positive is there are literally millions (ok maybe tens of thousands after filtering out for various reasons) of black women ready to be married. Basically as a black man I just have snatch up one and make it happen.

YardieChicie said...

I have a male friend, a self-confessed free-ranger with no plans to settle down, who lets his partners know UP FRONT that he's not looking for a commitment. Strictly a fun-in-the-sack thing. You want love, a boyfriend, a husband, any of that? Keep it moving, please.

And with all his honesty about his intentions before any sack-action takes place, some women still insist (more like begging, pleading and bawling) on trying to get him to be their man. Even when the signs are lit up in neon from 50 miles away, some people will read them how they wish.

CaliGirlED said...

Some people will watch you stick your hand in the fire, get burned, scream and cry, and then stick their hand in it to see if it's really that hot.

What can you do? Gotta let them get burned.

YardieChicie said...

Indeed! Why do you think I keep him strictly in the friend zone? I know what to expect!

J B said...

It may be a bit disappointing at first, but I very much appreciate a man who tells me this up front. I know to thank him, wish him well and keep moving.

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