Thursday, September 23, 2010

Bougie Confessions: Boy Scouts and Time Outs


I've received a few emails lately asking how I decide which slices of my personal life to share and which I decide to hold onto. Well, I never share anything I would be uncomfortable reading out loud. When it involves someone I care about, I usually check with them for permission. I write nothing I wouldn't share with my family (they all read). I'll share emotional intimacies if they're in the past or I'm in a good place with them. And I never (ever) share my personal physical intimate stuff. Some things are best left to the imagination. As for everything else... it depends. Sometimes I find my life amusing and I share. Sometimes I use BnB as my personal therapy. I purge and I'm done. Sometimes it's a sounding board. And sometimes like today, it is what it is. I just put it out there and see what happens next.

So if you've noticed a theme of exes and "friends" and trust issues... welcome to group therapy! J

For those unaware, I've been dating a guy named Derrick (or New Dude) for about five months. He has a best friend (Vince) who doesn't understand boundaries and a Shady Ex-Wife (SEW) who has now made it crystal clear that she wants back in. My threshold for drama is fairly low and my patience for "friends" that don't have your (or my) best interest at heart is near the non-existent level.

There is one particular flaw of New Dude's that is hard to overlook and overcome. It's a fatal flaw in that... it's not really a flaw until put into context. New Dude is... a Boy Scout.

Not just in the literal sense that he was a scout with honors and badges and whatnot but also in the more ephemeral, figurative sense of BoyScoutiness. He's a genuinely good and kind person. But wrapped up in the goodness and kindness is the need to be liked by all. He simply cannot be the bad guy. He is hurt if he feels that his words or actions have hurt another unless they overstep and even then... he wants to forgive and move past it.

Admirable? Yes but problematic. And I must say, a little bit irritating. There are times when you have to put your foot down without being told to do so.

As those of you who have been around for a little while know we've had some drama with his friends and exes. And like the proverbial bad pennies, they just keep showing up. I've made my displeasure with the continuous reappearance of "negative outside influences" clear and repeated myself... twice.

So with that in context, a little over two weeks ago Derrick declared that he wanted all of us to be friends. Eyebrow arched and hand on hip, I asked - All of who? He said that referred to me, him, Vince and the ex-wife. Seems they have both been in contact with him and their lives cannot continue Derrick-free. This is a problem. These are two people who have no good agenda for him and nothing good to say about me.

My tone was snarky, "Hmm, the Vince that called me twenty kinds of b*tches and you had to punch him out? The ex-wife that called me forty kinds of b*tches and said you were better off with her? These should be my friends?"

"I just think it will be easier if we all make an effort to get along."

So I tried to be calm and mature asking what this "friendship" would consist of. By his explanation, it sounded like them spending a whole heck of a lot of time around us. Um... no thank you. To which he replied, "We should be the better people and lead by example."

Calm and mature went out the window. I thought I already was the better person and I know I led by example by not having their crazy asses jailed for breaking into his home. Vince was one situation. The ex was something else. I could see no reason beyond the obvious for why he would want her around in any capacity. And despite his repeated assurances that he does not want her in "that way", I'm not sure I'm going to get past it. I've been in relationships where I wasn't sure if I was priority 1A or 1B and I'm not about to be put in that situation again. And only because I'm loathe to give out ultimatums (either she goes or I go!)... I put him in a time-out.

Yes, I placed a grown-assed man in the middle of a relationship on a time-out. It was either take a step back or tell him I was done. So I asked for a few weeks where he should take some time to really think about his priorities and I would do the same. At the end of the four week period (yes, I put a time limit on it), we'd sit down and decide what's next. He was (and is) not happy. As I said, he likes everyone riding rainbow-striped unicorns in lavender clouds singing O Happy Day. I need to hear and see something different than what I'm currently seeing, damn the unicorns.

The first week of the time-out, my sister was here and we ran all over town. The second week (last week), I was not well. This week I'm playing catch up and next week I'll be in South Florida helping BougieSis relocate. So we'll see when I return just how all of that plays out. It may be that I'm getting less spastic about relationships but for some reason, I'm not freaked out (yet) and I'm fairly good with whatever comes next: good, bad, or in between.

BougieLand, I don't really have any questions for you today. Though you can feel free to share thoughts, insights, comments, common experiences. The floor is yours.

157 comments:

Ondrea said...

Wow, I read your blog daily so I am up to date on the craziness of his so-called friend and the ex. I hope during these 4 weeks he realizes that neither of them has his best interest at heart. (SIGH)

rozb said...

He deserves one of those pops in the back of the head, right on the knowledge knot. Chele - You are doing the right and mature thing. You are taking the opportunity to use distance to see clearly and assess your situation, while giving him ample opportunity to analyze his priorities. However, you can't make someone come up from that kind of garbage and drama - they must really want to be free of it.

I think Derrick misses retarded-assed Vince and his immature shenanigans. Sometimes people need folks in their life that do not have it together to feel better about themselves. The SEW - I can't call it, but she allowed the crap into their lives and encouraged the frat-boy Peter Pan behavior that made things easier (translation: lazier) for Derrick. He may not like her personally, but perhaps the life she represents is appealing.

I bet Derrick's mother is giving him all kinds of fresh Hell, if he told her. Hm - probably hasn't said a word to her about it. Which means he knows that this whole "let's be friends and sing Kumbaya" schtick is pure unadulterated shiggity.

To Derrick: Grow up, change the locks and upgrade your friends like you upgraded your relationship.

Crystal said...

Time out, I thought my friends and I were the only ones who did that. We also say sit in the corner and put others (and ourselves) on probation when necessary. I have a friend who is like that, friends with everyone, even the people who hurt her (I mean emotionally and physically- the cops were called- hurt her) I never understood that. My need to be liked by everyone went away in high school, because I do not like everyone myself, so why should I expect everyone to like me. My sister always says good fences make good neighbors. He does seem like a good guy, but still, why have people who use and abuse you in your own life. I would ask him if by allowing negative people to take up his time, energy and life makes him a good friend to himself!!! Me, my life is too precious to be around anybody (family too) who continually disturb my peace!!! People have issues here and there, but if the drama button is on repeat, forward and rewind but never on pause, there is definitely a problem. I know I am preaching to the choir. I just don't get it, me thinks my dad, mom and sis taught me good.

Crystal said...

* typo, you know I mean taught me well!!!

bluassassin said...

Seems like New Dude definitely needed some "Me Time." Although, based on what I've read of him so far, he probably needed some directed meditation. It might have been a good idea to have him reflect on certain things and have the answers to certain questions when you reconvene. Hope this turns out the way you want.

bougiesis said...

Yeah for OneChele coming to help me relocate next week.

I think New Dude continues to deserve a chance to prove that he can learn and grow. Clearly he has not had to be the heavy and cut trifling people out of his life or he would certainly better at it. I'm rooting for the two of you so I'm hoping the time out has been enlightening for New Dude. (crosses fingers and exits stage left)

The Fanny Pack said...

Chele, I think this was the right move; especially considering that most people don't intend to enter into "no potential" situations or relationships resulting in a stalemate. If a time-out is what is needed for him to see your concerns outside the perspective of his rose-colored-glasses AND for him to realize that your "other" theme song is Mary's "No More Drama", then this is certainly a necessary step.

...And personal therapy notwithstanding, you take a brave and admirable approach to purging. Not everyone has THAT skill! LOL

Mr. Skyywalker said...

To New Dude, in my best Bill Duke voice: U Know U done effed up, right?
Boy, you bout to let old bad shit mess up new good shit.
You betta call yo mama and daddy and axe somebody (not ask, axe)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V1YmiT8qKg

JaymeC said...

Dammit Derrick! *kicks trashcan*
Chele, you are doing the best thing. Now if he doesn't realize you have one foot out the door and he needs to scramble before you deadbolt it... that's on him.

Sweet N Tart said...

This is already way more drama than I would've put up with.

Steve said...

*clears throat and steps to podium*
In these tough economic times, I feel compelled to point out that er, uh...
Brother, you drop a dime... I'll pick it up.
Without a glance to left or right. Straight into my front pocket.
*nods slowly and walks away whistling*

LikeLena said...

What she said! But I'm still cheering. Lord, it's like watching a romantic comedy and not knowing how it's gonna end. I'm screaming at the hero on the screen "You can't just let her GET AWAY YOU FOOL!!!"
I may be too invested in your world...

Jason P said...

Hmmm. He's in a timeout and you're on your way to South Florida.
Bruh? You might wanna... Just sayin'
Dude.

OneChele said...

Okay, I spit out my coffee at the clip.

Jasmine Girl said...

New Dude! Pull it together.
If he wants the ex, he should just go.
But why can't he see how stupid he's being?

OneChele said...

Well South Florida for a week is going to be a major hardship. But since you're family and all...

SingLikeSassy said...

Derrick if you are reading this...you gon' lose your woman behind some bullshit.

You can stay lonely, bitter and drunk with Vince who don't mean you no good otherwise he would back off and let you have the relationship you deserve. You can stay stuck kissing the ass of your ex-wife who don't mean you no good otherwise she wouldn't have cheated and divorced YOU (if I remember correctly).

OR you can spend time loving and enjoying Michele.

It's on you. I hope you make the right decision.

thinklikeRiley said...

Knew old girl was coming for dude, that's how they soulless b*tches do. You don't need that.
Move his "not sure what I really want" candy and cocoa puff dreaming ass along and get onto the next.
His ex is a ho, his boy is backstabber but if that's what he want - roger that.
Not to be all sentimental and ish but you know, you better than that.
Nah-mean?

Leon X said...

Are you implying that Chele is taking her talents to South Beach?

David Chase said...

>fist bump<

SingLikeSassy said...

And this, right here, is why I likes me some thinklikeRiley. On to the next one!! On to the next one!! Somebody bring me some moneyyyyyyy!

David Chase said...

(leans into mike) Tabernacle.
(dougies off the stage)

Leon X said...

Folks are going at New Dude kinda rough. Sure it's not a good idea to try and make everyone get along in this case, but it's admirable that he's making the attempt. Chele is taking the right steps to get him to realize that a trait like this can be a blessing and a curse. A tip of the hat to you, Chele.

Lady4Real said...

BougieCuz,
I know we have a bit of an age gap so I figure New Dude is in his mid thirties maybe early forties so this is my 2 cents. I'm 27, I would like to hold hands with everyone in my life and sing Combiya (probably spelled wrong but you get my drift) or We Are the World, but at the end of the day this is not doable. There are flowers in this world and there are weeds and if you don't pluck out the weeds they will choke the life out of the flowers. New Dude is going to get the life choked out of him if he doesn't wise up. His ex-wife sounds like misery, and misery loves company. His boy Vince is what I like to call a snake, and we know about snakes. Taking a step back is the best thing to do. If he can't wake up and see the real world then in fantasy world he will stay, which is a sad place for a grown man, for any adult for that matter. I hope this time-out helps him wake up before its too late because not only will he lose you, he will later lose his sanity, probably his finances (thanks to SEW) and maybe his freedom (thanks to Vince). Everyone is not good for you, everyone is not your friend and everyone doesn't have good in them. I'm 27 and understand this and I wear rose colored glasses everytime I get the chance, but rose colored glasses don't stop you from smelling shiggity, at some point you have to take them off and see the world and people for what they are. I hope you wake up New Dude and start cutting cancerous people out of your life before they take your life.

David Chase said...

If dude don't get it, he don't get it. Did he not READ last week where she broke down what it means when folks want a break, a step back, a time out. You all but dead.
New Dude, I'm going to help you out here... You are going to have ONE shot to fix this. One. Shot. Only. When this woman gets back into town, you better have your words right. What you say in the first fifteen minutes determines whether you get to keep the girl or not.
But on the flip - Chele did the smart thing here. I WISH I'd been in relationships where the woman told me what was wrong, how to fix it and gave me time to do it?! Man listen...

Jubilance said...

Ok, is Derrick slow? Serious question. Cause I see no reason for a sane man with a decent IQ to try so hard to be friends with his ex-wife, when they have no reason to continue to deal with each other. Has he suddenly forgot about all the cheating & whatnot?

I would have put him on timeout too....

Grace said...

But, but, but (yes, I'm pouting) - I want this to work out!
I want a Bougie Engagement and a Bougie Wedding.
Oh, it's not about me?
Okay well, you did the right thing.
I'm still cheering for him though.

SingLikeSassy said...

Mya told us what it's all about in this video: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x178ph_mya-case-of-the-ex_music

OneChele said...

Uh... wow. Thanks, Riley?

rozb said...

We had his back, especially after the police incident and it looked like he had hiked up his grown man pants and beat his chest a little. But everybody ain't meant to be gotten along with - some folks need to be scissor-kicked in the back of the head and be done with.

These old relationships of his are like a bad cigarette habit: they make your clothes, breath, and body stink, they dull your senses, give you cancer and phlegm, and in general just cut your life span by years. But it is a thriving industry and folks cannot put the cancer sticks down. Vince and SEW are Derrick's cancer sticks. Harsh comparison, but IMHO a fair assessment.

rozb said...

*Giving thinklikeriley a big bosom hug*

rozb said...

Love those choices, Sassy.

Reecie said...

uhm. so if it were me: aint gon' be able to do it. sorry.

michaeldavis said...

wow I didn't see this one coming. Is New Dude on the way to "Just Give me Five Minutes-ville?"

If I was dating someone like that, when considering the offenses, then I think it would be a them or me situation. Good move on your part. Especially the ex. She's.Gotta.Go.

FreeBlackMan said...

Since folks just dropping opinions left and right, I thought you should have cut him when Officer White Boy Roy hollered at you weeks ago. I mean GotDamb, you gotta wait until folks break up into your domicile trying to get at you to realize they may not have good intentions? AND YOU STILL WANNA BE FRIENDS? Fukk outta here.
Just my two cents. Who knows? Maybe you can work it out and have unicorn babies and ish.
Hate when half-right ninjas get chances and blow it.

BB Waite said...

A-ight Bougies. Calm down. Let me go biblical:
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Simply put, what God has for you is for you. Now you took a step back. Make sure you pray on it and then move forward knowing you've done what you could.

michaeldavis said...

I am DONE after this link.. notice I said LINK not the actual video....I don't even have to watch to laugh

Pure Choco said...

I know I read this like "NOOOOOO!"

Sarah said...

I'm sorry this is where things are at for you, but I think you did the right thing. I can't add anything to what has already been said. I hope you have fun down in south Florida and no hurricanes decide to show up and spoil your trip.

Pure Choco said...

LMAO - I was JUST thinking this

Pretty P said...

I agree. I had to come to the harsh reality that if people don't want better for themselves...there's only so much convincing one can do to persuade them. At some point, fighting that fight is a huge waste of time and effort. New Dude needs to conclude himself that his "friends" aren't really his friends. For one, if they were, they would respect his choice to be with you AND your relationship...

Pretty P said...

Grown people can get along and be cordial to each other without actually spending time together or being involved in each other's lives. What New Dude is saying is that Vince (understandably) and SEW (NOT so understandably) are going to be a part of his life at HIS behest (becuase quite frankly, he is the only one with the power to cut either/both out of his life and this whole conversation indicates he has no intention of doing that) and Chele needs to accept that and be friendly so his life can be easier. <----that's an issue. Like Chele said, I don't see a reason besides the obvious why SEW needs to be involved in any substantial way in New Dude's life. It's about priorities...

michaeldavis said...

a year from now dude is going to have the entire Sade catalog in his CD changer, drink in hand, wondering why on her he decided to make nice with the crazy ex instead of staying with one of the great ones.

Nikki said...

LAWD, LAWD, LAWD! This is D's cousin Nikki and you have set it off in the family today. NO, D did not tell family about THIS right here! I read the post at 7:05 this morning and of course called everybody with a "Did you see this?!" His Mama is hot. If she calls you talmbout "PLEASE don't leave him!" don't be surprised.
He's always been too nice for his own damn good (how he ended up married to that skank in the first place) but this right here?

OneChele said...

Oh my, didn't mean to start off a family feud...

Pretty P said...

"I could see no reason beyond the obvious for why he would want her around in any capacity...I've been in relationships where I wasn't sure if I was priority 1A or 1B and I'm not about to be put in that situation again."

Unfortunately, so have I and NEVER again. Like many commenters have said....you are better than I b/c if I didn't walk out of the relationship after all that has happened before this latest, I certainly would have given a verbal ultimatum. Good for you for doing the mature thing. I'm sure New Dude sees the proverbial ultimatum in this time-out period.

Anyway, I so So SO want this to work out. Derrick...if you're out there...DO THE RIGHT THING!

Pretty P said...

And, excuse me Leon X. I misread your comment, specifically the part that said "Sure it's not a good idea to try and make everyone get along in this case." Forgive my rant!

donell said...

onechele -

blink. blink.

newdude has revealed to you who he is. nice guy to a *fault*. lets say for the sake of argument that at the end of his time out period, he makes what we all generally consider to be the right choice, you over vince and sew.

vince and sew are but mere symptoms of his disease. pls believe that until newdude deals with this issue on his *own* and figures out the root cause, it wont be long before there's another "vince and sew" situation in his life you will have to deal with.

the fact that he has even been conversatin (im kuntry ya'll - i said been conversatin) with those 2 post the po po intervention - problematic. and *then* - the fact that he has also asked you to join him back in the center of this bad imitation of a 3 ring universoul circus...that tells me he's not ready and that this four week timeout is but a mere four week delay of the inevitable.

i know most errbody else is pulling for you guys - but in my never to be humble opinion - you need to listen to @thinklikeriley (dap!) and keep it moving. newdude has shown you who he is and who he is most likely to remain. and so if *you* choose to stay in his life - the very next scintilla of drama of any kind that you are exposed to as a result - that wont be on nobody *but* you.

CaliGirlED said...

I agree. You have to come to the realization that not everyone needs to continue on with you in your life's journey. Some people you will have to drop and wish them well.

CaliGirlED said...

Right!!! If I watch the video, I might get fired!..I love quoting that line to people.

Good one Mr. Skyywalker!!!

CaliGirlED said...

LOL @ *kicks trashcan*! I have a vivid picture of you doing this. Probably because I feel your frustration.

JustPassingBy said...

Booo! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in BougieLand... Le Boo!!!
He needs to kick rocks. You done tol' him.
Now he gotta learn the hard way.

CaliGirlED said...

As my uncle would say, "Now you are stupid!"

CaliGirlED said...

*fannin, rockin from side to side and waving my hand*

Aisha said...

You go girl ( i know it sounds trite but it is what it is) You have do whats best for you, and even though I love new dude (damn man) your mental health is not worth it just so you can say your someone's wife/girlfriend. Living drama free for 2 years now after i cut off a bestfriend/cousin and I refuse to go back, if it gets too crazy walk away. Its better now than let the crazy bring you down then having to work your way back to sanity.
Damn new dude I was rooting for you too, frat brother I can understand but SEW nah man Nah

aisha bythebroomstick.blogspot.com

OneChele said...

And here I was worried about y'all being too polite to speak your peace... Ha!
We've got links and clips and bible verses. Folks scissor-kicking and whatnot.
Nothing like group therapy for perspective.

CaliGirlED said...

I knew you would come real with this one! That tough love is a mother...!

diamond life said...

Now you gotta love when a man's own family has him on blast!

diamond life said...

Amen.

diamond life said...

You've trained us well. If you are brave enough to put it out there, we'll serve it back up!

OneChele said...

Well, @TiffanyinHouston is getting married this weekend so there ya go!

Evansaw said...

Damn, I kinda saw that coming.
"We should be the better people and lead by example." Yeah, my jusband tried that one on me too. It was not long before he saw the light. I hope ND comes to his senses. He would be a fool to let you get away. And brothers complain they can't find a good sister. Time for the Boy Scout to let go of the past and step to a new beginning. Hope it works out.

CaliGirlED said...

"There are flowers in this world and there are weeds and if you don't pluck out the weeds they will choke the life out of the flowers."

"...but rose colored glasses don't stop you from smelling shiggity..."

*applauds*

Yeah you are related to Chele!

diamond life said...

LOL - look you boys circling the waters! She ain't even free yet y'all whistling and plotting. I love this stupid blog.

Evansaw said...

I fear you are right......I seem to be saying this a lot this week:
"When someone tells you who they are, believe them. (M. Angelou)
Truer words were never spoken.

diamond life said...

Skyy said "Axe somebody" - X__X <- diamond dead.

Evansaw said...

Me too.

datdudeincali said...

Pausing to repeat: I WISH I'd been in relationships where the woman told me what was wrong, how to fix it and gave me time to do it?! Yes sir, yes sir!

J B said...

I still have an image of New Dude in a navy blue shorts suit, sitting on a stool in a corner, saying "but...but..."

Like another poster said, I can understand him wanting to keep Vince around. The SEW....not required.

datdudeincali said...

And since Chele is too polite to say it, let me drop a video from a group she says is one of her faves.
Yo New Dude... reflect on it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9F5xcpjDMU

datdudeincali said...

Thanks MD, now "Is it a Crime" is stuck in my head.

datdudeincali said...

It is hard to find two nickels out there...

blackprofessor said...

Oh God, New Dude definitely needs to be in therapy with the quickness and this is coming from a psychologist!

Now the whole ex-wife episode makes sense given this post. I want things to work out between the two of you but I am not optimistic. If he can't see after all that we know has transpired that these two are snakes, then he is doomed to stay where he is. Tragic but real! I agree with Riley that you should keep it moving and explore other options, especially while in South Florida. It sounds like New Dude has too much internal work to do to have the type of relationship that you want to have. I am sure that everyone in his circle wants him to have good things, but if he is unable or unwilling to see it for himself, it means nothing. I have seen it all to often and there is no one to blame but the "nice" guy trying to appease everyone and satisfying no one.

Evansaw said...

"Making the attempt"? These people wanted to jump on Chele! If he was right, Vince and SEW would be barred for life. And some point in life, you have take a stand. "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything" (Boy, I am full of cliches today!). "Kinda Rough"? He was lucky she did not say "Deuces" after he tried to get her to swallow that "lets all be friends BS!" He deserves to be gone after and I hope he makes the right choice, 'cause there is never going be a good relationship coming out of this mess.

GrownAzzMan said...

This right here ----> "he likes everyone riding rainbow-striped unicorns in lavender clouds singing O Happy Day."

Where do I begin? New Dude reminds me of my brother. He is such a good person that he can't believe that there is not the same good in others, even to his detriment. I don't know if there is an easy answer. Chele, the good you see in him (and the reason a lot of us are rooting for him) is tied to this. It will be hard to keep the good parts you like and get rid of the good parts you don't.

I can even understand him keeping Vince to a point. Men don't have a lot of friends or make new ones that easily past a certain age. Those two have untold history that goes back years and there may be many things that Vince has done to inspire New Dude’s loyalty that transcend his recent trifflingness. (Yes I made up a word)

SEW on the other hand I can't hope to explain. It is one thing to forgive (and the Lord knows I need some help in the forgiving area) but I have no idea why after he forgives her he needs to stay in contact. You are absolutely right to draw the line on that one and if she stays you gotta go. Buh Bye.

My response would have been a lot shorter if Disqus wasn't tripping and in the interest of making sure the response is not longer then the post I will stop here.

GAM out!

CaliGirlED said...

This comment right here! *standing ovation*

Chele think long and hard about what Donell has said. I'm trying to get someone out of my system now, that I only dated for a few months, because I wanted so bad for it to work. Two friends even told me how they could hear me smilin through the phone when I first began talking about him. But then....refer to Maya Angelou's quote....I had to walk away.

OneChele said...

Black Sheep is one of my fave groups ever.

MeetCharlieL said...

LOL at the Choice is Yours! Excellent selection

GrownAzzMan said...

ROFLMBAO!

CaliGirlED said...

I feel you Chele. Like I said in my reply to Donell below, after a couple of months I'm still trying to get someone out of my system that I only dated for a few months. But because I was sooo hopeful cause he seemed like such a good man (I think in your case Derrick really is) I was almost willing to compromise where I knew better. But as we MUST learn from past mistakes I realized that I had to let go early, rather than as Aisha said below, "work my way back to sanity later".

I think the time-out is good for both of you to gain perspective and clarity. I'm hoping for the best! (Even if that means the end.)

GrownAzzMan said...

The doors of the Church are now open...

GrownAzzMan said...

For real, Riley? He ain't wrong...

michaeldavis said...

I KNEW his Mama was gonna be hot...and I predict Le Mama will holla at ya

CaliGirlED said...

"It will be hard to keep the good parts you like and get rid of the good parts you don't."...Real talk!!!

"trifflingness"...Love it, gonna steal it!

Evansaw said...

Brother Derrick, you better take heed. You don't get many chances like this in life. DON"T. SCREW. THIS. UP!

CaliGirlED said...

OK?!!! I love it too, I'm hooked!

Jennifer said...

"Seems they have both been in contact with him and their lives cannot continue Derrick-free. This is a problem. These are two people who have no good agenda for him and nothing good to say about me."

Their lives need Derrick, but do they need the "big-breasted one?" Seems Derrick is assuming you are part of their NEED, maybe he needs to get confirmation on that..... (hmph)

I could be wrong, but I am under the impression that these 2 have not apologized to you for their shenanigans. So Derrick is ok with being peace-peace with them and moving forward even though they disrespected his woman with no apology? Wow, that is alot of forgiveness...

Jeannette Abrahamson said...

Wow..sorry to had to put dude in time out. Now that i'm hearing that he's a Boy Scout, it's clearer to me now how Vince and Ex-Wife are able to act a fool and run roughshod over his life at that level and for this long. He's never CHECKED them. And when you never check someone they have this understanding that you like things the way they are. Ugghh.

BlackButterfly said...

Chele-

I have been in your situation, being in a relationship with someone who always wants to believe the best in everyone and expecting you to be the person that ALWAYS "rises above". It is hard to be in a relationship with someone that EVERYONE loves and then that loved individual doesn't know how to prioritize their life! Sometimes the only option you have is to walk even after time-outs because the root of their problem unfortunately is also one of the best things about them.

I love that his family is HOT about Derrick not knowing how to prioritize what part of his life should continue and the part that is begging to be shelved! But ultimately, you can't force someone to see what they don't want to see. I hope the time-out works and that he is able to reevaluate and realize that you're not always able to carry forward everything from you past and live a happy present!

ConvertingMe said...

Dude, listening to the entire Sade catalog is Stage 4 depressive. We don't want anyone dying

Karen Caffee said...

What he's got wrong in his head is going to take a LOT longer than two weeks to repair!!

OneChele said...

We are chock full of video goodies today!

OneChele said...

Thank you, Sarah!

MeetCharlieL said...

*snickers at Officer White Boy Roy*

MelaninEnriched said...

I have nothing useful to add because I don't REALLY know the story except what I've gathered from the posts. But you guys are great! I love this blog. 'tis all.

MeetCharlieL said...

Man... I hear ya!

Karen Caffee said...

What. Riley. said!!!

MeetCharlieL said...

Oh damn. Not soulless b*tches?
#shotsfired

tiffanyinhouston said...

I haven't been by in while cause I been busy you know..and I loves ya'll to death.

Derrick. I know you have read every comment on this here blog today.

I'ma be real brief.

GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MIND RIGHT.

QUICKLY.

I'll holla at ya'll on the flip side. I'm off to get married!!!!!!!! Peace out!

BrendaKay said...

How is possible that Derrick would expect that OneChele should forgive his shady butt friend and skank ex-wife for disrespecting her as they did? Excuse me? How is that leading by example?

Despite everything I was hoping that Derrick was the one {and a part of me, I still does}, but right now I'm sitting in the "Church of ThinkLikeRiley" waving my fan, nodding my head and singing out a few "Amen's"!

Karen Caffee said...

*stage whispering to @rozb* SEW is the stage name for Ho-zilla...

OneChele said...

Girl - get your wedding on! We'll see you on the other side.

BrendaKay said...

My best wishes to you Tiffany for a wonderful and beautiful wedding.

rozb said...

Agreed!

rozb said...

See? In my earlier post i knew he didn't tell Mama n 'em. He didn't want family weighing in on the shiggity (out of love, of course!)

ASmith said...

You did right, Chele. I hope he thinks it through real good. Not just "oh she's overreacting" but really sees the position this puts you in. I want to know what the convo was he had with Vince and SEW. I mean, really... did he make sure they understood "friends" don't do ANY of the things they've done?

And further I seriously wonder about why he needs them back. Does he know he doesn't? Hmm.. I don't get it.

MariSol said...

Happy Wedding to you!

Karen Caffee said...

*Peering through the bifocals* Praying with and for you and believing that you will make the right choice for you. I'm one of your older readers and didn't get all of this gray hair gracefully. You are beyond intelligent enough to feel all of the admiration, respect and love that your readers and followers have for you, and that the best is wanted for you.

Now your friend the hottie po-po called it first and best. Having said that, I'm not even going to hum "I told you so" because you can re-read all of our comments about your dramas with SEW and Vince, but will go with ‘I was afraid that this would be the flip side’. Do you REALLY want to spend a micro-second more - let alone any substantial amount of time - in the side-eye stance over Doofus and the Black Widow?

An HR person that I worked with once shared this thought: The way a person starts out is the way they end up. My 82 year old mother put it another way when I was determined to marry my first adult love and rid him of his psychological warts: You don't get with a man to change him, you should see character that you like in him and be ready to grow with him, as he should with you. I listened to her then, but bumped my head a few more times until the one that almost caused me to commit suicide – and then I started to get it. Every day I thank God that He kept me!

Whatever their ties to Derrick, and whatever drives his need to be liked (and his mama prolly has a better idea than anyone else), this is toxicity on a major level. Le boo, Le hiss and Le damn for him to even think that you should be okay with moving to Camp Kumbayah with those characters!! As nice as you have painted Derrick in your posts, he really needs help – intense, clinical help because he’s not processing that this. is. shiggity. You think about ‘Chele, and let Derrick think about Derrick.

Karen Caffee said...

Best wishes to you for a beautiful day as you begin your life together!

MariSol said...

frowning...
Well I don't think it's a matter of pulling for them but being supportive of what Chele wants and needs.

rozb said...

Congratulations and many blessings on your big day!

CaliGirlED said...

Well then Derrick better choose Life!

CaliGirlED said...

I feel you MariSol, but sometimes what we "want" is NOT what we "need". And Lord knows I have tried to intertwine the two, repeatedly, having to "work my way back to sanity", repeatedly. (Thanks Aisha)

CaliGirlED said...

Congratulations Tiffany! Wishing you many years of happiness!

I Am Me said...

Dude's weakness is not that he's too nice, it's that he's weak. He's allowing others to control his future and there's no cure for that.
I suspect you've read Art of War and you play chess.
You put him in a defensive position he can't recover from. Even if he says all the right things next week, you'll never believe he's changed until he actually changes. And by that time, we'll be reading your adventures with New New Dude.
I suspect your mind was made up the minute he went Sesame Street "let's all be friends"
Well played.

Karen Caffee said...

The Art of War rule #1: Know your territory.

CaliGirlED said...

Powerful!

OneChele said...

Of course I've read Sun Tzu! Spent too many years on the Corporate plantation not to have my mind right. I might play a little chess.
That's all I'm saying about that...

Liselle said...

If there was an award for best post pictures... you should win that.

Karen Caffee said...

Lather, rinse, repeat...

Javalicious said...

I'm with you though. I see where you're coming from. Let's not knock the guy for trying to be the peacekeeper. I think it's great to read for once that a guy is too damn nice. Now, like you said - he needs to understand that nice is about to get him left alone.

CaliGirlED said...

I hear you MariSol, but sometimes what we "want" is not what we "need". Lord knows I have tried to intertwine the two when they shouldn't have been! Only to find myself "working my way back to sanity". (Thanks Aisha)

mojitochica said...

Sorry to say this but you need to take page outta ya girl Yvonne's book and drop kick new dude outta your life. He is too damn old to even be contemplating letting those two trifllin negroes back into his life. You are a saint for hanging in this long. Go have a blast relocating BougieSis, and think about giving Sgt. McHottie a call, lol!

Stank_0 said...

Hmmm....

I see the dilemma on both sides. Obviously he and Vince go way back. It's hard to cut loose one of your boys. It just is. To keep his ex is his orbit is...troubling. It could be keep your friends close and your enemies closer or there's still something deep deep down for her. Can't call it.

This aversion to NOT being liked is unusual. We all like to be liked but most of us will be quick with a "all ya'll MFers can kiss my @ss and go to hell with gasoline drawers on" once we have reached our limits.

Maybe he will have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired? OneChele, you do know how to pick 'em.


I wouldn't say this is impossible, however, I doubt he told the ex and Vince that the level of disrespect shown to you will have to be corrected (i.e. apologies and whatnot).

GrownAzzMan said...

The "Church of ThinkLikeRiley".
I never thought I would live to see a black President and I did.
I never thought I would live to see ThinkLikeRiley be the voice of reason and...

GrownAzzMan said...

Ok. The substance is all on point. But as Jon Stewart would say, two things:
"Doofus and the Black Widow"
"moving to Camp Kumbaya"

nubianqueenbeez said...

It's ok to give him a chance to make things right, but, as others have said, his inability to act seems to be a pattern of behavior that he's become quite used to. I wouldn't be surprised if some others in his life have been victims of the 'toxic duo'. An ex is an ex for a reason! And his bromance buddy needs to be put in check with a quickness. If he can't make things right, let him go or you will be embroiled in exponentially more drama.

This song is ringing in my head. Some lyrics from the musical South Pacific

I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair/I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair/I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair/And send him on his way.
I'm gonna wave that man right outa my arms/I'm gonna wave that man right outa my arms/And send him on his way.
If a man don't understand you,
If you fly on separate beams/Waste no time, make a change/Ride that man right off your range.
Rub him out of the roll call/And drum him out of your dreams.

I have another song for Derrick.
If he doesn't get some serious introspection and make some serious changes in his life, he needs to memorize this song because he will be singing it - regularly
From Hee Haw:
Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me

GammasWorld said...

I was trying to think of something really profound to say given I'm one of your slightly older readers, but it all boils down to trust your gut.

maureen palmer said...

Hey Chele,
A lot of gems have been dropped here today and like you said here once before, “you are the kind of girl who stops eating when she is full” (I hope I got the quote right). I know you will do the right thing for you.
I’m like ND; always wanting e/one to be happy, I love a calm sea. However, something happened to me a few years back and I had an epiphany; in times of war, you have to pick up a side. You can’t afford to be on the fence b/c a lot is at stake, either you are going to war or not. Like someone said here already, if it’s not SEW or Vince ND problems will re-surface in the relationship with a new name.
Oprah once said something that helped quite a bit, especially when it comes to women and relationship. First it’s pebbles and we try to dodge it, then next it will be a rock before you know it a boulder is coming for you. Imagine that.
I for one do not like drama, not built for it. I see it (drama) showing it’s big toe and I’m sprinting on the opposite direction. I say this to say, I would have said deuces to ND. I’m conflicted though, I have been rooting for it to work, but I don’t want see you guys hit an iceberg.
I will cue this song by R.Kelly I hope I will not offend folks, given his checkered past. Just thought the song was appropriate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIciKDEA_5U&feature=channel

maureen palmer said...

Congratulations!

YardieChicie said...

"So with that in context, a little over two weeks ago Derrick declared that he wanted all of us to be friends. Eyebrow arched and hand on hip, I asked - All of who? He said that referred to me, him, Vince and the ex-wife."

You have GOT to be kidding me. Dude, 'forgive and forget' doesn't mean 'roll over and get f***ed repeatedly'! You can let things go AND cut ties at the same time!

Karen Caffee said...

When the madness went down at the house (part 1) I said get molasses and red ants for Vince and his *triflingness* (using that on Sunday)!!

Karen Caffee said...

Meant to click 'reply' instead of like. Something wrong here: Derrick has gotten hinkty with 'Chele about maybe having dinner with a former SO (and she didn't) and puffed up when McHottie rolled up to investigate the disturbance known as Vince and SEW - but *Foghorn Leghorn voice* we say, we say here that he doesn't

Only the Tall said...

You called it, brother: Weak.
Nice is alright but weak, being weak?, oh hell no. Any man that would want me to be friends with anyone who clearly has no respect for me is not playing with a full deck. He's a nice man, but a weak one and I'm sorry, ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE....(walks away and asks how can a man be that clueless?) We all know how this is going to end, Chele, you're too good and too smart for this mess. NEXT!

BrendaKay said...

Oh no, not the infamous Hee Haw song! :-)

BrendaKay said...

GAMan ~ Well, Riley has slowly won me over. Now time will tell if that's good thing or something I will regret. :-)

Audreyreneeisbeautiful said...

O man Chele I was so digging reading about you and new dude. You could never be "friends" with Vince or SEW; BougieLand would not be pleased. I mean we forgive but as Whitney said to Bobby "o hail naw!" When punk Vince called you the name his bootleg daddy gave him when he cried cuz he was the last person picked on the neighborhood kickball team (b*tch) - I was HEATED all day long. And the SEW - omg Chele, I was searching for the vaseline and taking off my hoop earrings. lololo/// Unfortunately - if new dude wants these two fooleywags to be in his life, which is red flag, you might have to remind him of the Kayne West verse from Flashing Lights A Cappell.."First class with the seat back I still see ya In my past, You on the other side of the glass, of my memory's museum.." Holla!!!! BIB

BelieveNlove said...

CaliGirlED
You r so right! I dated a guy for a couple of months and I was so hopeful he was the one that I couldn't see he was still grieving for his ex-wife to come back to him. After a few discussions, and me noticing his smile when he talked about the things they did together as a family and their children. I was like "Please call her, tell her you love her, need and want her." he was like are you serious? What do you think she will say? - I was rolling my eyes. I told him, he was a good guy and she probably wants the him and their family back so go for it. Well - he did and they are "working it out"

KG said...

So much wisdom has been spilled here that I honestly can't add anything more without being redundant. Just want to express my love and support for ya :) and say that in the end, your peace of mind is what is important.

FlirtyNerd said...

The only thing I can say (one day later...sorry, Nerd Jr. was sick yesterday) is that people really underestimate their seasonality (the amount of time someone is meant to be a part of your life) and the seasonality of others. Reason, season, lifetime...I know we've all heard it.

Derrick, if you're reading this, you really need to contemplate Vince and SEW's reasons for being in your life. Have you lost other women because of him? Is he a constant source of drama in your life? Plainly put...have you outgrown him? If so, you need to let him go...no matter how many years ya'll go back. He is acting as if he's proven himself to be a lifetime friend, when his actions are reflections of a seasonal person. As for SEW, she has proven herself to be a mean, spiteful and overall unpleasant human being. Why would you want someone in your life like that? Exes are exes for a reason, and you're seeming to forget the reason with all of this Rodney King madness (no, we all can't get along sometimes). It seems to moi that both of their hourglasses are running on empty and need to be discarded. *le shrug*

Chele, kudos for not going completely to the left on New Dude. Have fun in Miami next week and use a part of the time for reflection (live it up the rest of the time!)

Karen Caffee said...

"Fooleywags" *tipping on down the street with this one, hand waving in the air, shoulders shaking with laughter*

EvolvingElle said...

Since I haven't commented in a while and working on my own thing..."Hey, Girl!" Now, on to this post. I only have one comment-Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Tea said...

I wanted to comment so badly yesterday. BOO to technical difficulties. Here are my questions.

1. How many types of bitches are you exactly? This is #nodiss, I just found it hilarious how you described them not liking you.
2. Do the men you're writing about know you have a blog and that you write about them?
3. Do you use real names?
4. Do you think you have ex boyfriends stalking your blog?
5. Do you think the blog has hurt or helped relationships. I ask because I'm crazy private and I'm deathly afraid of airing out a man on my blog I actually like, lest he air me out too. It'd suck to hear that someone wasn't feeling me or something I was doing via blog and I believe in Karma so uh... yeah, if a brother isn't doing well, I just tell my readers the bottom fell out. No explanation necessary.

MotownMs said...

Hmmmmmmmmmm...he knows how to stand up to Chele but not to that "trail of human wreckage" he keeps trippin' over in his life...I guess "the devil you know..." applies here...*shakes head while walking away humming Oleta Adams' song..."Will We Ever Learn"...*

Angela Deruise Roby said...

Again, I MUST speak on this...

New Dude reads this right? Hey Sweetness! First off, you are some sweetness and I think (i hope) I speak for the whole board when I say we all adore ya! You are awesome from what Ive read and I dig that you are trying to be positive and set the good example etc. but BUT.... Darlin', when the 5-0 get involved with anything (family, friends, neighbors, family pets) all bets are off. Any chance for this to be a positive friendly situation went out the door when the Shields had to show up.

Wait and who showing up with the ex KNOWING the history at your so called BFFs house? ::side eye to Vince:: And whos showing up looking like Slickbacks Saturday Night Special at their Ex's house, and they just want to be FRIENDS? :: side eye to the EX::

Chile, Boo! Better move on like Soul to Soul!

I hope and pray you, New Dude, chooses the road away from the crazy ass friends because it will not end well. Not saying that because Im Pro-Bougie, I speak from PERSONAL experience! I have the second police report, photos, and documentation from the ER I had to go to after thinking things will change. Now Im a girl thats pretty solid at 5'7' so im sure you could handle yourself better than me (no worries, I can and did get country when need be) but why go through more BS?



Ok, how about this....If your MOTHER isnt thrilled with them, why should YOU be?
Think about THAT!

Rosa Lewis said...

hey I just want to say that I admire you and appreciate you putting your life out there for us to learn from. I think you are awesome and truly look forward to reading your blog. Regardless of what happens, I really really hope you know how awesome you are and that you have impacted my life for the positive. I want to say some awesome quotes that will make you feel better and know how awesome you are, but at the end of the day I know the situation you are in just SUCKS. I just want you to know that I really wish you well and I hope you find love because you deserve it. No BS, but the real thing. Take care and while you don't know me, please know that I'm really truly and honestly rooting for you!!!

Only the Tall said...

"entire Sade catalog, drink in hand" , got my laugh for tonight, thank Mr.Davis!

keisha brown said...

bumbarass...
when we were chatting on le twitter and you said..check tomorrows post (yeah.. loaftin..sleep and work called)..THIS IS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
(sorry for yellin).
i have read every single comment, and liked more than one, so i wont add much that hasn't already been said..
but i'll pass along words from a recent convo with a friend.
God has blessed all animals with instinct. 99% of animals dont have an override system and must follow their God-given instincts or get eaten. literally.
we are the only animals that think that we can override our instincts and still end up right.
when we ignore the red flags, thats when we get got. or in the words of my moms..
who ever dont hear must feel.
i dont know you personally, but have come to know you through your daily/weekly expressions.
i wish you love. i wish you peace. with and/or without ND.

BIB said...

What was the purpose of asking our girl Chele all these sideline questions? If your a read her (our beloved) blog, you would know the answers. Right now is not the time to ask silly questions - it's the time to bring Chele comfort and inspiration just like she does everyday towards us.

Suebhoney1125 said...

Well, I didn't see this coming. I thought once the the whole B&E fiasco was over that you and ND would go on your merry way, but I guess not. Chele, I'm gonna have to ride with you on this one. ND- This is for you: Do you really want this TOXICITY in your life? A real "friend" would have never put you in this situation in the first place. I spoke to some of my male friends about this, and relayed the story and asked if they would have ever done this to someone who was considered their "boy" who they go wayyyy back with? All of the answers were a resounding NO! and if their so-called "boy" had done this to them...Dueces!! Vince for one is a punk IMO. First he didn't like Chele because she told him the truth when he asked for her opinion on his previous relationship that went south because he was a punk. I was always taught that " if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question". And he was also jealous of the new relationship that you were in and you kept rejecting his invitations to his "pity parties". Which leads me to ask the question? Are you the only friend that Vince has? and if so, why is that?. Could be because all his other "boys" know that his ish is raggedy? and they are too grown for his ratchedness? As said previously "no-we can't all get along" and I am surprised that you would even bring that to the table. You-the one who almost had a coronary when Chele's S/O wanted to meet her for drinks? do you want to bring him into the circle too. I think not! They called your girl out of her name---- and in your face too! but let's all try to get along? Im sorry ND (love ya) but NO. You SEW wants you back, but she cheated on you remember? She didn't care about you then, what makes you think she cares about you now? what makes you think either of them cares about you now? They just need another person at the pity party. I don't know you or Chele personally, but in black and white you two seem like great well rounded people (in Wendy Williams voice.. "friends in my head"). I hope you both really take this "downtime" to see what really belongs in your life and continue to take the necessary steps to put it and keep it there. I really like the two of you together and wishing the two of you the best of luck, whatever the outcome.

Tea said...

@BIB How are my questions silly? I'm a new reader (and a fellow blogger) and had questions. Isn't that what the comment section is for? Didn't she say "the floor is yours"?

Provide comfort and inspiration? I'm neither a bowl or soup, nor a church service. I'ma need you to take a chill pill critiquing my comments.

Seriously, I just thought Chele was the type of blogger that answered readers questions. Not trying to offend anyone. Sorry if [anyone] took it the wrong way.

Chloe said...

I was faced with the same situation with my SO's ex and a good female friend of his who didn't like me. I gave a 'me or them' ultimatum, because I really was willing to walk away rather than face all that drama. Though not entirely happy and after heated discussions with him trying to change my mind, he chose me and here we are together 12 years later without the drama.

lawsoncomp said...

Chele: You know folks are waiting to hear the outcome of this mess. It's a tough one, but there's overwhelming consensus in the peanut gallery here.

I think more think more than anything else I would respectfully suggest that D look at how disrespectful these "friends" are to him. You can defend your own honor. I would say they need to be back burnered even if related by blood. Their actions were ridiculous (and ghetto) no matter how you look at it. SNoB!

Sol_dier said...

sorry but this right here is the exact reason why chele shouldn't date your cousin anymore.
D seems to have a problem with boundaries, making good personal decisions and discernment.

If it takes his mother to intercede on his behalf re: relationships, then he has issues, mad issues that require therapy and counselling to resolve.

Your cousin may be cute, maybe successful but he seems to be an emotional child. I hope he grows up, but he needs to do that on his own time

Sol_dier said...

this is the truth.
Its time to leave new dude to his fairytales and all the drama they entail.

His friendship with Vince was the key indicator, something is off, something ain't clean and if I were you, I'd be out of there before they rubbed it on me.

OneChele said...

1. Hey - just caught up on this - apparently (according to his pals) I'm at least 10 different kinds of b*tches (how many are there?)
2. Sometimes they know (if they are important) sometimes (the no repeat dates) they don't
3. I never use real names
4. I know for a fact that I have exes blog stalking... they have admitted as much
5. Luckily - the blog has not affected my relationships. I alsways consult if I'm sharing something private and I never use real names. And actually, I only use my first name, not that it's hard to figure out who I am through my 50-11 pseudonyms
You can always ask questions. If I don't want to answer, I won't...

OneChele said...

If this isn't the nicest comment! Thanks so much! I appreciate it.

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