Saturday, September 18, 2010

Answering Letters from He Said/She Said Week

I received a number of quotes and questions for He Said/She Said week, thanks for all the input! I didn't even get to two or three of the categories, one of which was: "Is it really all that?" Oh well, blog fodder for later. We did have two questions that I wanted to address though.
"What does it mean when he says, "Don't ask me who I'm sleeping with, I think that's an inappropriate question because I don't ask you who you're sleeping with because I don't care." I was shocked! I replied that I wanted to know if he was having sex with other women because of my own health safety. He replied, " We (me and him) have protected sex, so what does it matter if I am having sex with other woman!" and, "You are very insecure, I don't care who you are sleeping with. I just care about the moments we have and I don't care about others outside of that time." 
Ok - we have protected sex when we are fully engaged in the "act" but we do not have protected sex when we have oral sex (please forgive the grown talk Chele). So I was sitting there pissed because, I am thinking - ok dayum, you are having sex with other people and I am giving you a head job! So, I said will all seriousness, "I'm not into threesomes!" He said,"WTF are you talking about." I explained –“If you’re having sex with me on Monday, someone else on Tuesday then me again on Wednesday, well essentially we are having a threesome.” He was like "That's sounded so dumb!" 
I said, "Wow - then what are we?” - He was further agitated and said, "Dayum, why do you want to put labels on us! - just enjoy the experience, stop being insecure and let nature take its course." 
I hung up on him and have not' contacted him since but he has called and emailed me several times. 
He is kicking 50 in the *ss (49), so I am a little shocked he is this immature or Chele am I being insecure?
~Beautiful in BougieLand
Hey Beautiful,
You're not being insecure at all. He's running old school game and you caught onto it. When folks have no defense for their actions, they flip the script and make it about you and your so-called issues. No sir. Damn some nature taking it's course. He's old enough to know better. But as I'm sure you figure out, there's no age limit on ratchet.

However, I would strongly recommend that you avail yourself of a flavored prophylactic for future below the belt kissing. Better safe than sorry. Get tested, lose his number, block his email and consider yourself all the wiser.

And the second note:
To BougieLand:
Ok here's my question what does it mean when he/she says,"I know that's what you said, but I thought you meant..." oooh that is soo a relationship killer for me. Where do folks get that from?
Thanks, TSB
Umm-hmm. Game recognize game. Basically, you're being told that they heard what they wanted and acted accordingly. This is why I use the psych 101 tool of "mirroring". I say something, you say it back and then we repeat and I follow up with, "Are we on the same page?" That way not only do I know you heard me, I know you understood. If someone wants to play dumb later... they get the side-eye. 

I had a boss once question a document I sent out to the company. When I pointed out that she had signed (and dated) the draft; she said "Just because I signed it doesn't mean I read it and agreed with it." Even though it explicitly said "By Execution Below"? Okay, I knew my days there were numbered. I have no patience for bald-headed barefoot reindeer games. No, I don't know what that means but I heard it somewhere and I'm using it.

So what you BougieLand, anything to share with TSB or Beautiful in BougieLand? Enjoy the rest of your weekend.


MariSol said...

Beautiful in BougieLand - he was in smash-buddy mode, you were waiting for next steps. Be glad you got out before too much damage was done!

Steve said...

Folks still falling for this stuff?

Violet Rose said...

BIB - Run girl!
TSB - You already knowing!

Nubianqueenbee said...

I just found bougieland a little while ago and I am loving it! Here's my first comments, I hope they are on point:
I'm glad you put him in his place-out of your life! Yes, you would think that people would be wiser and value relationships more as they get older/more mature. NOT!! I am almost 50 myself (48) and looking for someone with maturity and common sense. Slim pickins...

it's amazing how people can't understand simple words without twisting them out of context. mirroring is good, but I can only take so much of that before it becomes just too much work

I wish you both the best with your relationships

YardieChicie said...

49, and still acting like some college frat boy? There's no hope for him.

The say/really meant things me every time. Why not just say what you REALLY mean from Day One, and save us both some stress?

Leon X said...

As long as there's someone willing to fall for it they will. You know how people do.

GammasWorld said...

I feel ya Beautiful and totally agree with Chele's recommendation on the flavored prophylactic for future encounters. May I also suggest, that the conversation about other partners comes *before* engaging in any grown folks playtime. If both parties are truly grown, I don't see why that discussion can't be had honestly before hand. I don't think Beautiful is insecure at all but Old Playa just upset just upset that he was called out.

CaliGirlED said...

Beautiful in Bougieland, I do believe you got it because you said that you haven't answered his calls or emails. So here's to help you NEVER to answer his calls or emails again. It's called tough love: You were doing fine until you asked this question, "Chele am I being insecure?". ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! Do not EVER let a Ninja play that mind shit on you and have you second guessing yourself when you know damned well you are right! Leave his OLD PUNK ASS right where the hell he is!!!

BIB, I say that with sisterly love and as someone who has played that "Is it me?" game, when I knew better. Here's a quote, "Learn from others mistakes, you can't make all of them yourself". Keep your head up girl!

Bougieland, please excuse the language, but that was as clean as I could get.

Brneyed1 said...

@BIB: One thing I've learned is that maturity is a state of being, not an age (hey, I'm a Toys R Us kid all day...). So his being damn near 50 and still pulling this shiggity does not surprise me. He's been having his cake and eating it too, and liking it. He sensed from your line of questioning that you were getting ready to pull said cake away, hence his attempt at the Jedi Mind Tricks. Good Riddance.

@TSB: Chele hit it on the head when she said "'re being told that they heard what they wanted and acted accordingly." But as one who has said "you said/I heard" herself (hey, I ain't perfect) if he didn't ask for clarification, and you didn't insist on him confirming his understanding, that right there is where the problem began. Any dude that won't confirm his understanding of your statement up front is intent on doing whatever he damn well pleases.

Stank_0 said...

I have to say I'm appropriating bald-headed barefoot reindeer games. It's in the lexicon now. I'd heard bald-headed games before.

OneChele said...

Does anyone even know what reindeer games are?! LOL!

Renee said...

Thank you for the Sisterly love CaliGirlED~ I wish I was more secure with my decisions then I wouldn't have to ask such a dumb question "Am I being insecure." Reading all the comments, I kinda feel stupid that I was digging the guy in the 1st. place. I saw red flags here and there but the time we spent felt right and the *** was great. Anyhooo... I've havent reached out to him and he has stopped trying to call me. NEXT! lolololololo

Renee said...

frat boy - lololo - how did you guess? yes, he is red/white and one of the Free brothers. This is not his fault, it's mine. I saw the red flags and still went to hell with gasoline panties on. lllololo


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