I was going through my emails and I stumbled across these following two gems. They seemed like a matched set. Let me first say that some people are making things far more complicated than they have to be. Sometimes the simple answer that is right in front of you is the best answer. Thanks to these two, let’s go ahead and launch an episode of Ask a Bougie Chick. To protect their anonymity, I’ve renamed the writers. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Dear Chele –
What does it mean when a girl stops returning your phone calls or texts for no reason? Everything was fine for two months and then all of a sudden she went radio silent. I haven’t been able to get her on the phone for the past three and a half weeks. She’s still updating her Facebook though. What did I do? I don’t want to harass her but I’d really like to know what happened. What’s the best way to handle it?
~Clueless in Cleveland
Hi Clueless. Listen, sweetheart - When a woman stops returning your calls, she has nothing to say to you. I have no idea why this happened but since it has… move on. You may never know what flipped her light from green to red. She may have met someone else or changed her mind or any number of things she doesn’t care to share with you at this time. It totally sucks, I get it but for her it’s over. After two unreturned phone calls and/or texts just let it go. You’re on the edge of cyberstalking. Walk away, sir. It’s just that simple. I’m sorry. Onto the next. Good luck to you, stay up!
OneChele –
I’ve been friends with a guy I really like for over three years. For the past six months, I have given him every sort of hint and opportunity that I want more but he does not seem to pick up on it. I cannot be any more obvious. The last time I tried to make a move, he kind of laughed and said girl, quit playing around. I feel like he is attracted to me but something is holding him back. He’s not seeing anybody and neither am I so I think the time is now. Any suggestions of what I can do to take it to the next level?
~Frustrated in Florida
Hey Frustrated. Girlfriend, can you shape-shift into someone else? Cause old boy does not want you. I apologize if that’s harsh but let me play this back for you. You’ve been in the Friend Zone for three years, you’ve done everything up to and including tossing the good-good in his face at which point he laughed and asked you to stop. He is free to be with you but chooses not to be. What gives you the idea that he’s attracted at all? Never mind, it’s not important. What is important is that you take a quick dip in the reality check pool today. He’s your friend, if he wants to be more – he’ll let you know. If you can live with that, then you still have a friend. If you can’t, it might be time to move on. Good luck to you!
What say you BougieLand? Was there some nuance I was missing here or are these situations about as black and white as they can be? Are folks deliberately turning a blind eye to what’s obvious? After how many unreturned calls do you give up? How long do you stay in the Friend Zone when you desperately want out? Inquiring minds want to know… the floor is yours.
32 comments:
hahaha this is so true! love it : ) honesty is the best policy
www.the-blisslist.com
I would say it's "bad business" to go radio silent without so much as a phone call or text, especially when the target didn't do anything to deserve it. A 10 second call/text is a better and more mature way to handle things. Hey, even Richie Vento called home when he met Sunshine in Harlem Nights. just saying
Love it. I'm so puzzled when people want to run down folks that rejected them and ask WHY. Do you really WANT to know? Do you really want me to be explicit as to why I've stopped taking your calls? I don't think you do! The Fadeaway used to be a manly trait... I see women are doing it too!
The second one cracked. me. UP! Talk about a case of feelin' oneself. You're sure dude is attracted and 'something' is holding him back? Really? Really. Oh, funny.
Loved!
I don't know you but I think that Harlem Nights reference just made me fall in love! Thank you, sir :)
I don't think these situations are uncommon. Clueless wants closure and Frustrated has false hope. It happens often (to either sex) and it's the result of lazy communication. If people had more respect for other folks feelings they'd just say, "I'm not interested". It doesn't have to be hurtful, just be honest. Adults should use their words and talk/text/type, not give hints or disappear/pull a Casper.
Two contacts not returned, I end it there. I guess I have pride. The problem is that people who are unresponsive often come back. This guy knows this. Hell, he's probably done this to some unsuspecting girl when he thought he met a better girl. As a result, he is holding on to hope that this chick who is not returning nary a'call will see the light and come back. If she does, she'd only be doing it because she's bored or that new dude smell wore off of the new dude she replaces Clueless with.
The same kinda holds true for Frustrated. She's seen men get worn down by some chick they'd tucked in the friend-zone. But what she doesn't see are the numbers who never make it out of the friend zone. Nor is she seeing that if you have to wear a man down to be with you, he doesn't actually want to be with you. If he's ever with you, it's likely because he's given up on getting the woman/en he actually wants.
I'm with you Chele, I really don't see how these could possibly be anymore black and white. If someone WANTS you, like you want them to want you, then they'll let you know. Do you desire to be with someone pussyfooting around the situation? I wouldn't. If they can fade to black, I think that's QUITE clear that they aren't on the same page as you, especially if they have alternate ways to connect with you (email, facebook, twitter) because I know sometimes phones break/die/disappear.
As for homegirl who wants to be sister lover friend, um......clearly HE only wants to be friends, are you going to rape him next? he MUST want you, huh? jeez girl, fall back and be a little coy, maybe you're coming off as thirsty, which is so not cute.
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I think that sometimes we see in ppl what's not there bc we like the "idea" of a relationship with that person. We aren't looking at the reality of the situation. I too have been guilty of wanting something that was not there or even realistically an option. But what else can you say. Love is blind I guess.
Ah Chele, you do keep it real! To the first guy - it may hurt at first, but put all that energy you expel in wondering about her into checking out something new. I know that if my calls aren't returned I keep it moving and wonder no more.
To the young lady flinging it at ol' boy - go back into friend mode. Because you are lusting after him, you may not be seeing who he really is. And he is telling you who he really is. As a matter of fact, he may be telling everyone who he really is. Really. Even Stevie Wonder can see it. BTW - did he say "Girl - quit playing." while giving you two snaps in a circle? Just sayin'...lust can blind you to the obvious. He could be celibate, seeing someone secretly, or values your friendship more. Yep - that may be it...
Wow 3-1/2 weeks and he's still trying to make contact? He has the patience of Job and the determination of a "stalker"! She is sooooo not interested. Yeah she should have told him, but what we don't know is maybe she did. She may have expressed her disinterest but without a reason. Now he wants to know what he did wrong. Maybe she just doesn't want to get into the back and forth of it all and have to hear him say how he could change, or that it wasn't really that bad. It was only two months and yet two months may have been too long....Oh I'm sorry were we talking about her or me? LMAO!!! I'm just sayin...
When guys and girls are just friends, and the guy is interested and would like to take it further given the opportunity, all he needs is the SMALLEST hint of interest from the girl and it's on! Even if he has to ask another friend if he's reading the girl right...He's Just Not That Into You.
heysh, OneChele - i need you to send this EXACT email to these two guys who are phone-stalking me. I NEVER pick up their calls, don't return their texts - why don't they get irritated/mad and walk away????
i really don't have the energy to have the whole 'i'm not interested' conversation - in light of the fact that they got my number from OTHER sources, i don't even feel obliged to respond to any phone contact they initiate. everytime the phone rings with their calls, i just wanna scream 'GO AWAY, I'M NOT INTERESTED!!!' Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Please tell me people aren't this slow.
Ms. Bougie - did you just ask that girl if she could shape-shift into someone else?
BWAHAHA!
Dead and Gone.
"Clueless" has already crossed the line into stalker. As you've said many, many, many times before, poor guy needs to step up his game and just.do.better. Maybe he's not a good listener, maybe ol' girl is immature and can't say "stop calling me". Maybe she said it and he didn't want that to be the case. At any rate, Big C, just move on! You have done your due diligence. Consider the bullet dodged!
Frustrated...you are frustrating! Clearly you have not had the cojones to sit down like a mature lady and express to your friend SPECIFICALLY what you are looking for. If you haven't said the words, he doesn't necessarily know that you aren't just looking for a roll in the hay. Be a lady about yours and use your words, not your booty to let this guy know. If he's not interested, by all means, respect his decision and be thankful that he's even still friends with your triflin behind. Use your friendship with him to help you explore what you can do to improve your chances of finding the kind of relationship you want. Not every male/female friendship has to turn into the horizontal polka. Ya dig?
Any woman who has had the Fade to Black done to them can empathize with Clueless and tell him just let it go, dude. Forget the closure just move on in.
I suspect that dude in Frustrated's story is playing for the other team. The Girl, Quit Playing tells me something.
Damn Gina, Take a hint already?!
These two live in Denial Nation and need a one way ticket back.
Homegirl in the second email is a friend I'm trying to help rat nigh...
HE DON'T WANT YOU... and I've said that about 80 different ways. I'm out of tactful ideas and coming real close to just being real. Lately I've just been doing a lot of head nodding and so forth when she talks about it.
::sigh:: Why do people insist on being so dense?
Scratching my head. So let me get this straight. The fact that dude tried to soften his rejection with humor, "girl quit playin" means he must be gay? How about he just doesn't want to go there with HER?
Sure makes things a lot easier
Bless both their hearts.
These two need my newly offered service. For a nominal fee I will make the uncomfortable call/text/email for you and say what you can't/wouldn't/didn't say. Just go to www.straightnochaser.com...LOL
Seriously, if people would just say what's up, life would be easier but when they don't - read the signs (especially when they are this obvious)
I have to agree with you GAM. I don't think that term translates into being gay. I think he was trying to be nice to his friend. Otherwise he could have said, "Get the f$$k outta here with that!"
My rule is two calls and a text - then I'm done. No need to keep trying. If something has happened to them or they turn back up later, I'll deal with it then but no, not checking the Facebook status and all of that nonsense.
As for Frustrated, she needs more than a dip in the reality check pool. She needs to submerge and swim around a bit. Don't force that man to tell you he doesn't want you in that way. That's awkward for all. Stay in the friend zone or move on.
You might want to up your fee structure, I have a feeling a lot of business is headed your way.
Oh, no slam intended. I have a large group of gay friends that drop that phrase on the regular so it made me wonder. But really, it doesn't matter WHY he doesn't want her. It's clear that he doesn't.
Exactly! Both of these folk are just asking someone to say the words. Just take the hint already!
Sometimes people see things when they are ready to see them.
Ummm...yeah, ditto. You're right. The truth hurts and trying to ignore the obvious and ask for input is a losing battle.
If I hear of one more woman talking about she's been "throwing hints"...sheesh!
I sympathize with you superwoman, but your scenario is a lil different from the one in the letter where everything was fine for a couple months before the radio silence. You didn't voluntarily give them your number, etc.
Thank you for making it plain and clear to the two seeking advice. Like, commenter Grace, if I text or call you twice in a row, the next contact is on you. This will make things plan to you. If they call or text you after that, keep going with the relationship. But sometimes you will find that they never contact you again, which shows that you were doing all of the work and clearly, they weren't that interested in you.
If a man wants to be with you, he will make it clear. You won't have to decipher his feelings.
As you have said a few hundred times, if you sat down to write the letter - you already knew the answer.
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