Thursday, August 12, 2010

Overheard at the next table: "Oil Change Sex"

(Disclaimer - y'all know I do not like to talk about sex but this overheard conversation gave me pause. Tell me what you think.)

New Dude and I caught a bite to eat with some of his sane, less dramatic friends. Six of us sitting around a table. Lovely restaurant, upscale neighborhood, dimmed decor, quiet low-key jazz piped in the background. The company was great, food was excellent and a good time was being had by all.

Somewhere in between salad and entrĂ©e, a couple came in and sat at the table next to ours. I put them in their late twenties, early thirties. She was a red-head, waif-thin in a dress that would have been gorgeous if she was fifteen pounds heavier. He was straight out of the Banana Republic catalog and had a death grip on his iPhone which he checked every minute or so. The tension around the two of them was thick. She ordered a bottle (not a glass) of chardonnay and he ordered a double scotch neat. Day-um! They proceeded to sit in chilly silence while we probably annoyed the hell out of them with our laughing and easy conversation.

During a lull while we were waiting for the check to be brought back, she (had by now emptied the wine bottle) said in a loud whisper, "Can you put the damn phone down for ten minutes and talk to me?"

"What do you want to talk about?" He asked not looking up from the phone.

"Us, that's what we came out to talk about right?" Her voice was kinda whiny.

We start shifting around a little uncomfortable to be cast in the role of witnesses. Really, do you go out to a public restaurant to talk about your relationship? Really? Only if you think the conversation is going to go well. And I suspected theirs wasn't.

"What about us? That we don't really like each other anymore and the sex is terrible?" Wow no softening of the blow, just right out there with it.

"Terrible how? You seem happy."

"Not terrible. Adequate. It's oil change sex."

By this time we weren't even pretending not to listen. She said, "What are you talking about?"

"Oil change sex - it has to be done for maintenance but we put it off as long as possible. We grumble on the way, wait impatiently for it to be over, pay the bill and get out of there as soon as possible. Oil change sex."

"Can you lower your voice, please?" She glanced over at us and we looked away.

One of the guys at our table said under his breath, "Ouch."

New Dude said, "That's harsh."

The other woman at our table said, "Sounds empty and painful. Why bother?"

The third woman shrugged and said, "It happens." The guy with her sent a side-eye and she added, "Oh, not with you!" Uh-oh. 

Never have you seen people so happy to grab a receipt and scatter. Talk about awkward. 

I recall once telling an S.O. that I didn't want to be treated like something on his "to-do" list. Work out - check. Buy groceries - check. Do girlfriend - check. No thank you. Some things should be done well and with enthusiasm or not done at all. In my humble opinion.

Me and a friend of mine had a conversation recently about Happy Meal/Snack Pak sex - just enough to tide you over but not enough to fully satisfy.  You wouldn't want that all the time but every now and then, it hits the spot. (pun intended)

What say you, BougieLand? "Oil change sex": worth it, not worth it? Why do it? Do you talk about it? (At a restaurant?!) Happy Meal/Snack Pak sex - bueno or no bueno? I'm curious as to your thoughts, comments, opinions. Oh um, try and keep it PG-13 we have folks reading from work.

89 comments:

Andrea M said...

Agree with you, if it's worth doing - doing it right. The obligatory holds no appeal. Kind of like - don't do me any favors!
LOL at Happy Meal/Snack Pak. Sometimes all you want is a snack. It's quick, it's easy and tides you over until you get what you really want.
You have more analogies!

Myas-mom said...

Well how do I say this without sounding like a sex crazed nympho?...In my younger days I might have accepted oil change, happy meal and snack pak sex, not for too long, but for a little while. At my age now, 39-1/2 (yes I'm looking forward to 40!), I'm a little more verbal about what I expect as far as the frequency and quality of sex. And yes I'll take oil change sex as long as I also get tune-up sex (regular and overhaul), wash & wax sex, amorall on the rims sex, fill up the gas tank sex, air in the tires sex, and whatever other "car upkeep" analogies you can come up with! So if all me and my partner are having is oil change sex, yes there is a need for a conversation, but definitely not at a restaurant or any other public spot.

Once a couple reaches this point, it's sometimes hard to make a turnaround. Sex and communication are VERY important in a relationship. When things get bad, communication is the first to go, then the sex. So most people don't talk about the problem with the sex, because by that time they're not really communicating about anything. But if they had a strong foundation to begin with, then it is possible to sit down and talk about it and get back to that "full-service garage" and not just the "drive-thru lube job"....That's my take on it! LOL

derek love said...

It depends on where you are in your thinking. At one time any sex was good sex as long as I was getting it. Now, I prefer to pick and choose when and where and how.
It's like cooking, sure you can just microwave something and be done but aren't the best meals slow-cooked? Allowed to simmer? Prepared with love?
This damn blog got me sounded like Hallmark card today.
D-Love out.

Jason P said...

Okay - ouch is right.
Oil change sex - no thank.
Happy Meal sex - sure, it has it's place.
That couple? My biggest nightmare. Do NOT want to end up there.

Rob said...

This right here. The thought of just bearing to be with somebody? Wake up one day to find yourself having oil change sex? Having to order scotch just to get through a meal? Shoot me now.
I would have had to address the issue long before we're hissing at each other about bad sex in public.

JaymeC said...

Like we've said on here many times - a relationship is work and part of that work involves keeping an element of sizzle in the sex life. What disturbs me if that they conversation they had usually happens with couples in their 40s and 50s. When you've been together 15+ years, you can fall into patterns and start to feel like sex is something you have to do for maintenance.

But in your twenties/thirties? Unless you've been together since you were 18, you're still charting new territory. Somebody (or both people) got lazy or something happened to extinguish the fire they once had. Either way, life is too short for that level of misery. If you have to be blitzed just to get through a meal, that might not be the one of you.

Kinda sad story, Chele.

p.s. Nothing wrong with a Happy Meal every now and then. Especially if there's a toy and a treat... did I overshare? Ha!

keishabrown said...

wowwwww (in my flava flav voice).
who has that convo in public?? i mean really? who? in public?
sorry. i can't get over the fact that someone agreed to having this convo. in public.
public.
(i feel like AI and his practice rant).
IN PUBLIC!!!
alas. no sex is better than oil change sex. period. and being single is WAY greater than THAT relationship.

Felicia Tolliver said...

keep it to yourself i dont want it full service or keep it movin

Mocha Dude Speaks said...

After close to twenty years of marriage, I will say that Oil Change Sex happens.And when you have kids, can we say there are instances when all you have time for is a quick visit to Jiffy Lube? I ain't mad about it. Sometimes you just need that basic tune up without the entire 40 point inspection, so to speak. But you have to shake it up every now and again to keep it from being routine and/or mundane.

And the best thing about it after 20 years, you know when, where and how to make everything work so you're free to through in some variety here and there.

Alright now, Old School lesson is a wrap.

Myas-mom said...

Damn Derek! You had me at "slow-cooked". LOL

Diana said...

That couple made me wince. But old girl at your table - trouble comin'!
Anyway, I'm still selfish enough to want full service at the gas station please and throw in the free car wash. LOL!

thinklikeRiley said...

Like Katt Williams said - sometimes all I need is a hot pocket. Microwaved and done in less than five minutes. Thank you!

socialitedreams said...

sounds like it's on par with what Khadija calls high school sex: http://sojournerspassport.com/magical-thinking-about-sex/ noooo thanks

OneChele said...

You killed that metaphor, sir. Thank you for sharing.

OneChele said...

"A toy and a treat" - I am leaving that alone Dr. Jayme.

OneChele said...

Nice. I appreciate all these comparative euphemisms. Go 'head with the crockpot love. ;-)

OneChele said...

My thoughts as well. Why are we discussing this out and about for all to hear?!

SBChitownChick said...

If you can't give me full-service, I'd rather stick with self-service... okay?!

Carey Jackson said...

You may sound like a Hallmark card but you spoke it true.

MeetCharlieL said...

Dude - Hot Pockets are nasty and bad for you. If that's all I have time for, I'll just wait.

Javalicious said...

Let me see what metaphor I can create? Oh - of course. It's like coffee. If you are dying for some, the instant is fine but if you have the time fresh brewed is best. Sure it takes longer to prepare but it's so worth it in the end. With cream, sugar, and chocolate syrup. Every now and then a little dab of whipped cream works too.

Grace said...

1) Personal business in public places - not bougie (what do you call it? S.No.B.)
2) Why are they even together?
3) No to oil change, yes to Happy Meal

Liselle said...

Can I start with the fact that I'm glad New Dude has sane, less dramatic friends?!
Nest up I love how your commenters are keeping it PG-13. I can't think of a good enough comparison so I'm just say sometimes you take what you can get but nobody likes that feeling.

FreeBlackMan said...

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick.
As long as you enjoyed the rhyme.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Sex = travel. Are you in it for the destination or the journey?
Usually both. But sometimes you just wanna get there (are we there yet!?)
Other times, the ride is so smooth you just want to take your time.
The best trips are the ones where you hate to leave, wish you could stay for ever.

(Worked on this all morning - how'd I do?!)

Aisha said...

Holy cow, in a restaurant?!?!? thats a low blow he didn't have to tell her like that, and he has obviously thought about it like that for a while cause he has a label for it and everything. Ouch!! I wouldn't want to be her, even if he was the last dude on earth, that's a hard blow to any woman's self esteem to be told your just "tolerable" not someone her partner really wants to be with.

OneChele said...

*Applause* Well-done sir. Impressive.

Mrs Smiley Face said...

Well dayum...! I wonder if his iPhone has an app for that...lol
Sometimes hubby and I are like ships passing through the night with our schedules but dammit we know when it's time to dock and load. The great thing about it is we know how and when to communicate our needs to each other.
Sometimes a Happy Meal will do because all I need/crave is his touch at the moment, but best believe though, next time we go to the drive thru I order me a number 1 (that's the Big Mac Meal y'all, lol).

OneChele said...

Amen. I was about to make a joke about Super-Sizing but I held myself back ;-)

Deb B said...

On the flip, the worst trips are the one that get cut short. Especially if one party has to leave early and the other was not yet finished enjoying themselves :-/

MidwestDominicana said...

Ok, I'm going to be the one who takes a slightly different angle on this one...if they are having this conversation out in public, chances are, the ship has definitely sailed on their relationship. However, maybe this was the only opportunity either of them had to meet up and talk. Maybe a public setting felt like a "safe" place to talk without arguing or causing a scene.
Oil change sex seems, in this case, like the last ditch effort to hold onto something that has withered away. It is a signal in their relationship of much, much deeper issues. If you can not have meaningful intimate relations with your SO, then something(s) else is very wrong.
My husband and I started dating at 18, have been married for 5 years, have two kids and work, school and other activities...sometimes "check-in" sex is fine because A) it's all there's time or energy for and B) we refuse to let life keep us physically apart for too long. (We are both in our early 30's).
Anywho...I feel badly for this couple and hope that if they do decide to separate, they find exactly what they need as they move on. If they stay together, I wish them the best counselor and a change of heart in their relationship.

Pure Choco said...

After 11 years of marriage, check in sex happens. The problem with these two is that they are just now acknowledging it. Most couples will say or even intuitively now that if we just hit the high spots this go round, we definitely get the full detail spin n polish on the next go.

If it feels obligatory - don't do it. I even recommend that couples take a little sex-break so that when they come back together that urgency is back. I agree with a lot of the folks below - these two needed counseling quick!

I Am Me said...

Mad props for the reference.

I Am Me said...

*raises hand* I would like to hear more about the toy and the treat.

GrownAzzMan said...

Props for the AI reference.

I Am Me said...

LOL for "are we there yet?" <-- that's a bad night

GrownAzzMan said...

"Well how do I say this without sounding like a sex crazed nympho?" No way I am skipping over that comment...LOL I'll have the #3 package Wash and Wax with the Armor All please...

GrownAzzMan said...

The SFW auto metaphors are off the chain today. CTFU @ 'self-serve'!

Eye Candy said...

Oooo, you took it there.

GrownAzzMan said...

Nice restraint Chele

Eye Candy said...

Ugh. I will take Oil Change Sex over Hot Pocket Sex any day.

Eye Candy said...

Like candy? All you have is Snickers bar when you want Godiva truffles?
Or you expect a Snickers King size and there's only a Snickers mini?
Oh I could do this all day but let me focus on the question. I agree with Midwest below that to bring this out in public, they have reached the "nothing to lose" stage.
I feel bad for both of them

YardieChicie said...

*reads the definition of Oil Change Sex again, because she couldn't believe it the first time*

O_O Sweet Lawd. No need to ask if he wants out of that arrangement! Yes, arrangement; it sure as hell doesn't resemble a relationship at all. *still wincing from it all*

But yes, no one in their right mind goes to a public venue for a private conversation. Especially not if the situation is rancid.

Joy Andrews said...

O__o

J B said...

And your choice of fragrance? Probably not New Car Smell.

datdudeincali said...

Might a gent inquire about that Armor-All on the rims sex - that sounds thought-provoking. LOL ;-)

datdudeincali said...

Do you really care about the size of the bar if Snickers really satisfies?

Sorry Chele, I'll let myself out..
*runs for the door*

datdudeincali said...

I'm fascinated by Bougie-Kink. Ya'll try but the freak flag sneaks out - LMAO

taut_7 said...

oil change sex? never heard that term before but after reading the definition i can't say that i've never had it. also i've been in a restaurant in that type of situation before. if you think it was awkward for you think about how uncomfortable they were. smh

OneChele said...

Bougie-Kink?! I'm done.

Myas-mom said...

You guys are too funny!!! I'm just sayin full service garage or close up the shop!

Myas-mom said...

Dang GAM, your comment had to be edited? You naughty boy!!! LOL

Troy said...

I'm sorry too - that's funny as hell.

Myas-mom said...

LMAO!!!

Troy said...

That ma'am is a "travel companion" FAIL

Shondriette D Kelley said...

I feel so sorry for this couple! Not just because their sex life is lame but because they obviously have communication issues AND are bored with each other. Great relationships require dedication and patience and if you aren't willing to put in the work then it's time to break up. Fix the problem(s) or exit stage left; don't just maintain status quo and coexist. Life is too short to be that unfulfilled.

Myas-mom said...

You did well son, you did well.

Myas-mom said...

Love the "dock and load"! And I'm all over that #1 meal!!! (I won't go there either Chele!) LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

But what if you thought she was rocking M&M's peanuts but when the clothes come off all they were was plain? Leaving now with datdudeincali...

Steve said...

I had a whole workout/training metaphor I was going to spin but I can't put it out there in a way that won't get me kicked out of BougieLand. I've already been banned twice before, third time I don't get to come back.

So um - I believe you get out of a relationship whatever you put in. You don't wake up one day and have nothing to say across a table. That kind of decline takes time.

BB Waite said...

Once the communication and the sex goes - how do you connect? You're not talking or touching?!
That's a cold existence.

Evansaw said...

Not at all. Some married people get caught up in "maintenence sex", but it is neither satisfying or worth the animosity that almost always accompanies it. Someone is going to feel used and not appreciated after a session like that. Better to wait until both parties can be engaged.

Evansaw said...

Yes indeed. Hopefully it has not gone to far for that.

Page Bartlett said...

bad sex + bad communication + booze = no bueno

Karen Caffee said...

Oh Lawd, I accidentally hit 'like' while trying to click 'reply'!!! Hot Pockets? Really? You have to start dining out, son!!

Karen Caffee said...

What @keishabrown said.

George Deron said...

Oil change sex, although very messy sounding - is better than none at all*. It's just enough to keep someone from straying due to lack of "scheduled maintenance". In a perfect world, folks would like to get that Moments In Love extended remix edition sex on the regular, but times and libido don't always permit that.

Unfortunately, this might just be a necessary evil.

*For people other than myself of course...

Karen Caffee said...

*What you said in the second paragraph.*

OneChele said...

Loving the asterisk...

Myas-mom said...

You guys are killin me! LOL...Yeah leave before Chele kicks yall out of Bougieland! Too funny!

MidwestDominicana said...

Gotta say, the Bougicians here keep it interesting and so much fun. Love Bougieland!

MidwestDominicana said...

P.S. Mr. MidwestDominicana says :"Oil change sex is not a bad thing...think about what happens when you don't get your oil changed."
P.P.S. He's a lurker...said "babe, you never sent me Part 2 of that Bougie Tale. Why not?" Ha ha. Thanks Chele...he's crossing over!

OneChele said...

Ha! Got him... reach one, teach one.

aaw1976 said...

It happens way more often thatn it should, and sadly enough I get what he is saying and what she was saying... Sometimes you take it for granted and when you are ready for me to get down to business, I don't wanna put myself out there.... so maintenace sex is what you get. He probably used to pursue her, and she had headaches, and now he plays with his toy (iphone) and they both drink to cope with each other. Hey seen it happen many times, and experienced versions of it in other relationships... Sometimes oil change is all you gonna get. Sex ain't their issue... Their relationship, lack of intimacy, and lack of communication is the issue.

David Chase said...

Baseball analogy? In a long game, there are going to be hits and misses. You're not hitting home runs every time you uh... face the mound. (couldn't resist)

If you're only it for one inning, you damn sure better knock it out the park. I don't think the ladies are going wait for three strikes. You swing, you miss, you get traded.

Those two you mentioned? Aren't even playing on the same team anymore.

Karen Caffee said...

Ugh...just ugh. (Not really, but won't go there) That they would even engage in such 'South Pole' treatment in public tells you that they've been over and done for some time. I've been that woman in a chilly relationship earlier in life, but never dissed like that in public or private. It hurts deep down in your soul when it's not good, but you can't relieve the pain until you let go of what's making you feel so bad. The bottle for her and neat scotch for him? Too much madness that they don't want to deal with. Together or separate, good luck to them. And to Sister "It happens (but) Oh, not with you" - not your best day, precious!! And lastly, snack packs and happy meals, just like the finest hors d'ouevres, serve to take the edge off until you get to the grand banquet. *batting gourmet diva eyelashes*

Jasmine Girl said...

I had to go look up SFW and CTFU (I'm out of it)

Jasmine Girl said...

Jiffy Lube? Hot Pockets? Snickers? Wash n Wax? Crockpot? Coffee? The metaphors, analogies and euphemisms from the comments below have me reeling. God Bless Bougie people.

Monna said...

Reading some of the comments had me flat on the flow, Ingenuity at it's best. I'm runner, let me see if I can be creative with it. I will take 100 meters sprint if I need something to jump start my heart, however, I prefer long distance running with Marvin Gaye ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18TLHhhHZCA) on the background. In long distance, u can go all the way to Effel(sp) Tower, and that is a beautiful place to be

Myas-mom said...

Three strikes? You might get two, but you will definitely not disappoint me three times in a row! Two strikes and "you're outta there"!!! (In my best umpire voice) LOL

Myas-mom said...

Nice one runner!

Mr. Sable said...

If you don't make time for that Oil Change Sex, you end up only having Hallway Sex which is each of you glaring and muttering "F*** off." as you pass each other in the hallway.

Your romantic vehicles needs daily maintenance or at least a very thorough tune up on the weekends or you'll have to find yourself a new car soon than you'd like... keeping with the automotive metaphor, you don't want to drive each other up the wall either, especially the one in the hallway.

Mr. Sable said...

*sooner, rather.

tmcydame said...

My first thought without reading the comments is this: I need Buffet sex on the regular, Denny's Grand Slam sex on Saturday mornings and seven-course meal sex every now and then. ... But oil change sex? #pass

OneChele said...

Lord - Hallway Sex... y'all are killing me

OneChele said...

iQuit.

Mr. Sable said...

I see a 12 step program and media scandal down the line.

UntilIGetToYou said...

Now... there's the thing, Oil Change Sex isn't good but the concept isn't bad IF and only IF Oil Change Sex isn't the only kind of sex that's going on. See every relationships needs "maintenance" even when you are tired and not interested. But that only should happen once every 6 months. Now for the couple... no bueno. They need to end it and just move on.

rikyrah said...

they need to hang it up. having that kind of discussion in public?

hang it up

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