Monday, August 23, 2010

New for the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) Files: Usher-themed wedding

Sometime around 1:30pm Sunday, I tweeted that I was at the most ghettofantabulous wedding ever. I take that back, it wasn't ghettofantabulous. It was... unique. Tell me what you think:

My plan for the weekend was to do as little as possible. That did not work out at all. It was Tax-Free Weekend and I ended up running around making sure BougieNieces/Nephews had a few new outfits for school. So I decided Sunday would be my day. I had a book, iced tea and a sofa calling my name. New Dude called at mid-day to say he forgot he had a family wedding to attend and did I want to go? Not really. Wedding meant cute hair, cute dress, heels, make-up and polite conversation... in other words: effort to pull it together in 103° heat.

He laughed, "It's not that serious, this is the Ray side of the family. You're good in a ponytail and whatever you throw on. We won't stay long. You come to this wedding and I'll go to the man-candy movie with you this week." Hmpfh, like he wasn't already planning on seeing The Takers? He doesn't miss a Zoe Saldana sighting. Not. A. One. 

Moving on. "What exactly is the Ray side of the family?"

"You met Big Ray."


"The whole family is some form of Ray. His dad is Ray Senior, the two daughters are Rayetta and Raylene. There's a Rayquan, a RayNell, a RayJean and at least four other variations I can't keep track of on that branch of the family tree."

"Uh-huh. And whose wedding is this?"

"This is Raylene's second wedding. She is marrying Tariq who is the father of her second child. They are getting married in Ray Senior's warehouse. Quick ceremony, we drink a glass of champagne and we're out. You in?"

Like I would miss Raylene and Tariq's happy nuptials? I needed to know what a wedding in a warehouse looked like. In less than fifteen minutes I threw on dress, wedge sandals, semi-cute ponytail, mascara, lip gloss - done. 

Surprisingly, even though the outside of the warehouse looked industrial as expected, someone had taken considerable time and effort to transform one section of the warehouse to look like a wedding wonderland. It was a little too much white and silver everywhere for me, everything was covered or wrapped in white polyester that had been bedazzled or glue gunned with silver glitter and rhinestones but considering we were inside a moving and storage company, I was impressed. Then I glanced at page two of  the twelve-page program. "Um - Derrick, what is an "Usher-themed" wedding?" I asked as we sat down.

"I have no idea." We soon found out. The wedding started out just fine. Mamas and Daddys walked down the aisles sedately. The fact that the groom's mama came down the aisle in fluffy bright pink bedroom slippers - I decided to let it go. Maybe her feet hurt? The fact that the bride's dad (Ray Senior) was carrying his bottle of Corona down the aisle - I let that go too. Maybe he was thirsty and it was his warehouse after all.

The flower children were dressed in jeans with white T-shirts and had on Usher style sunglasses but okay they went on down. Then everything went dead silent before the music came on. From the loudest speakers ever blared the opening bars from Usher's OMG. The groomsmen all dressed in jeans, white t-shirts and striped vests with the Usher sunglasses came jammin' down the aisle. They had a routine ya'll.  Complete with skipping, hopping, bumping, grinding on the floor, booty poppin', the whole nine. Brothers were sweating and breathing heavy by the time they reached the altar-type structure. The groom brought up the rear dressed in all black (jeans, t-shirt, tennis shoes) with the Usher fedora tilted to the side. He had his own step to cut. His Usher glasses had the rhinestones in the shape of a heart on the sides.

Next came the bridesmaids, the music changed to U Remind Me and the ladies, dressed in dark denim capri pants, silver sequin halter tops and bright red patent pumps had their own jam session down the aisle. Sunglasses in full effect. Now some of the sisters were not well-equipped to drop it like it was hot and pick it back up in five-inch heels on a concrete floor but um - they did what they could do. It was a Soul Train line from the hell 'n hoochie side of the tracks. They made their way up the aisle.

Now, a quick confession before I get to the bride's entrance. Derrick had started doing something every time I walked in his house. It took me to the eighth or ninth time to realize that it wasn't a coincidence that Usher's There Goes My Baby happened to be playing each time I walked in. The first time he played it as a joke because we said how cool it would be if everyone walked around with theme music. Then he kept doing it to see how many times it would take until I caught on. I'm slow apparently. Corny but cute. So back to the wedding...

When the music started back up and it was There Goes My Baby, he leaned over and whispered, "I'll never play it again." Old girl came in with a silver micro-mini dress and clear heels that laced all the up her leg. She too had the special rhinestone heart sunglasses plus half a leather driving glove. She sidestepped, twirled, gyrated and shimmied her way up the aisle. It was quite uncomfortable for about 80% of us in the room. Behind us, the lone Caucasian couple were seated and they looked like they had landed in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

The vows were lyrics from Usher songs melded together with his song titles: "Baby, I'm so caught up, U don't need to worry about gettin' no papers. Every night, I'll be your lil freak and you'll always be my boo." I cut my eyes to Derrick and mouthed, "Seriously?" He shushed me, "Let them speak their truth." But I noticed when they had the ceremony of swapping sunglasses (no, I'm not joking); he had trouble keeping a straight face. Finally, the officiant (I don't know whether it was preacher, deacon, judge, disc jockey) pronounced them man and wife; they did all but dry hump each other before Tariq raised up his hand in the Usher peace wave and yelled, "DJ - cue that song!" Can you guess?

Um-hmm. The club beat of Yeah! started up and the whole group had an exit dance back up the aisle. We followed (more sedately) out to the next warehouse which was set up to look like a club. We were told that the wedding party was taking pictures and would be in shortly. We sat down and kept a straight face when they passed a basket for donations for the wedding fund. The "basket" was a white trash can with a picture of Usher superglued to the side.

Ladies dressed in denim mini-skirts and white tank tops came out and passed each of us a card. We were being asked to select our meal. Let me give you a clue - we were asked to check a box next to white or dark, spicy or mild. Our beverage choices were Big Red, Dr. Pepper, or Tap Water (yes, it was capitalized) with or without ice. For a small fee, we were invited to the "adult beverage station" where we had a choice of beer or wine cooler. Glancing over toward the three red igloos, we noticed the two-tier cake that had what was supposed to be Usher on the top but it really looked more like Michael Jackson from his Man in the Mirror phase but with short hair. 

"Okay, that's enough." Derrick said to me. He dropped an envelope into the donation basket and we hightailed it out of there. As promised, we were in and out of there in less than 30 minutes. We climbed in the car and got back on the highway. It wasn't until he turned on the Heart & Soul satellite station and three songs in Love in This Club came on that we started cracking up. 

"Bless their hearts, I'm not going to judge but there is such a thing as taking a theme too far!" I said.

"That was... something to see." He said diplomatically before dissolving into laughter. "I'm scared to know which song they picked for the first dance."

I know one thing, I told him to order the video. The size 30 sister with the curly weave down to her hips outdanced ev'body up that aisle. 

BougieLand - ever been to a wedding that caused you to bite your tongue and wonder WDDDA (Where Dey Do Dat At)? have you seen a theme wedding gone too far? Do share... the floor is yours.

119 comments:

Shondriette D Kelley said...

If you insist on writing such lies and purporting them to be truth I really am going to have to end our relationship!! I refuse to believe that such a travesty happened in real life...REFUSE!

My soul weeps for the institution of marriage and I'm ashamed that I wish I'd been in attendance with you. My imagination is not doing this debacle justice, I just know it!

LidiaAnain said...

O-M-G for real! lol! This was the funniest thing I have ever started a Monday morning with. I'm with Shondriette, I know my imagination CANNOT be doing this scene justice!

GammasWorld said...

Baby, Gamma loves your imagination but all you have to do is tell us you want to run a story idea by us okay? Quit puttin this mess on Ray and 'nem ROFLMBO (quietly cuz I'm at work). Please IHeartRadio do not play Usher this morning ... I CAN'T.

Enolajai2 said...

Your commentary this morning provided me with fits of laughter as I visualized the debauchery. Oh how Iihow I wish I was there to view it in person. No judgment, of course. Hilarious, you just can't make this stuff up!!!!!!! My people, my people.....

GrownAzzMan said...

I have been to county fairs, circuses and a r o d e o but I ain't never seen no shiggity like this! Thanx for the morning laugh Chele

GrownAzzMan said...

Imma need pictures of this!

MsDiannaT said...

Seriously?!?! I would have given them the strong Forrest Whitaker eye real quick. I have never been to a theme wedding and I hope I never am subjected to this ratchedness. At least it gave you a good story to tell.

Laurenmariemccall said...

If I had not witnessed similar weddings ,I would not believe you.LOL not the swaping of sunglasses, and the the Lone Caucasian Couple. Whew, you have made my morning.

Monna said...

No maam. I have a headache; after reading this & laughing soooo hard. Please say this did not really happen, babyjesus I need strength.

monna said...

Chele being the great write she is, I now have those images ingrained on my brain frame by frame. this story will make a much better movie than "Soul Plane".

Grace said...

This is almost as bad as the Lost-themed wedding I went to. Complete with ripped clothing and sand dunes. It was a tropical theme gone really wrong and the cake was the crashed Oceanic plane. But we had no dance routines down the aisle. :-)

MidwestDominicana said...

Stop. It! Tears!!! I can't top that one. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I just cannot.

Leon X said...

"Let them speak their truth?" He does realize their "truth" is a song written to sell records right?

While I wish them the best also, I wouldn't mind an Usher-themed divorce. Just picture it. She plays "Confessions" in the court room as she goes into detail about his infidelity. He gets fed up and plays "Papers" to let her know he's ready to end the marriage. It would be bittersweet.

Paul on Ice said...

On behalf of the BougieLand Faithful, I'm wounded that you didn't stay for the friend chicken reception. We could have had a Part Two! I feel robbed. You KNOW Mama broke out the Electric Slide in them house shoes - HA!

baileyqc said...

How bout if he walks if meets somebody else - U Make Me Wanna Leave the one I'm with...
The possibilities are endless. How about an Usher life?

JaymeC said...

No ma'am. Just no. I was trying to be okay with it until I got to the Usher vows and the swapping of the sunglasses. I Quit. I'll be back tomorrow. *slams door on way out*

Violet Rose said...

My entire kingdom for the YouTube. Thanks to your writing, I can see the whole thing in my mind and now U Remind Me is stuck is my head!

MidwestDominicana said...

Hubby says "When two people decide to do an Usher-themed wedding …. And go the whole 9, they were mean to be together…. Forever."

Kendra Adjia said...

OMG (pun completely intended)-- Chele, you got me this morning. Things like this just don't happen to me!

Kendra Adjia said...

OMG (pun completely intended)-- Chele, you got me this morning. Things like this just don't happen to me!

FreeBlackMan said...

You haven't lived until you've been to a Renaissance Fair wedding - fellas in tights and jousting and people singing to mandolins, everyone speaking in old english. It was awful.

Javalicious said...

Because I need someone to answer the question - why Usher? Or just why?!

OneChele said...

Wow - I cannot believe how many of ya'll have never been to ratchet-themed weddings. Lord, is it a Southern thing?

KG said...

OMG...OMG...LMAO!! It's too early in the morning for this kinda comic relief.

KG said...

Lost themed wedding with ripped clothing and sand dunes?...Lawdy lawd...LOL.

Steve said...

Maybe so because I have been to so many Saints/Mardi Gras themed weddings, I can't even count them all. But this ish right here!? One for the ages..

rozb said...

Even David Tutera couldn't fix this one. Wow. Did the kids have red Kool-Aid sippy cups? Was there a variety of crunchy shiny sky-high ghetto bun hair styles? I would think they would exchange grills later.

Reecie said...

OMG I have never!

in the beginning it made me think of the video of that white couple that was all over the media that danced down the aisles to Chris Brown's Forever with their party and I thought I could appreciate the vision--then it kept getting more and more...interesting.

Chele you live the most interesting life! LOL

Trudy said...

Wow. I have only seen such things in email chain letter photographs, never in person. Other than weddings I've photographed, I've only been to two weddings and neither we wild like this. Hehe. HIlarious story...thanks for sharing.

OneChele said...

I must agree with Mr. MD - the two people in the world who thought "You know what would be the bomb for our wedding?" and dreamed THIS up... that's destiny right there. They deserve each other.

BrendaKay51 said...

It has taken me a full 10 minutes to stop the hysterical laughter. Momma in pink bedroom slippers, Daddy with Corona in hand, Soul Train wedding party, one white couple for the all important racial diversity, clear lucite hooker heels on the bride and the reception included a Church's or Popeye's Chicken menu card. Please OneChele, post the video on YouTube anonymously.

Carey Jackson said...

I wish this was just "in da South" but my cousin's had an R. Kelly wedding. They "Stepped in the Name of Love" down the aisle and the first dance song was bump and grind. And yes, they thought it was hilarious to have a "Golden Shower" coming out of the cake. They kept assuring everybody it was food coloring and water but you KNOW no one touched that cake right?

My people, my people.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Now I am going to have even more nightmares about my wedding! thanks Chele!! LOL!

OneChele said...

Why do I doubt you are boogieing up the aisle booty-poppin'? LOL!

rozb said...

I have been to some hot mess funerals. It's amazing I wasn't scarred for life as a child.

mickmicki said...

Um. Yeah. That takes the cake. I'm mad that you didn't stick around. I would have ordered my spicy wings and a biscuit, prayed for Red Beans and Rice, paid for my wine cooler, and sat back and observed.

I did attend a wedding where after the "pronouncement", the guests broke out in a raucous rendition of "Miss Jackson" by Outkast. I also observed a woman filling her baby's bottle over the punch bowl. The punch rolled down the side of the bottle and back into the punch bowl. Also, the groom's father (the third person in line) ate at least seven chicken wings and folks wondered why the food ran out. The groom's mother "catered"...Everybody can't cook.

Also, the bride's mother (my brother's baby mama), thought that it was a good idea to smear cake on my face because I didn't get up to catch the bouquet. First, I saw those ol' rough heffas fighting for the bouquet. No way was I going to take part in that. I like my face and feet. Second, the only reason why I didn't whoop her up was because her family is rough and mine isn't. And just because we were in a house of worship that wouldn't have stopped her from kicking my tail.

LikeLena said...

No, no, NO! You make me wanna say O-M-G! (couldn't resist)

Mr. Skyywalker said...

This is why I'm getting married on a beach (in less than six months O__O). 50 guests, no themes. Simple, stylish, done. No drama!

Javalicious said...

I have not had enough coffee to fully appreciate the whodinkery you detailed here. The bridesmaids were in CAPRI pants and stilettos?! Ev'body had on the Usher glasses?
Chele, you couldn't have snuck ONE little pic on the phone?

Javalicious said...

UGH!

diamond life said...

Wait a minute. NO one is bigger @UsherRaymondIV stan than I am but HELL. NO! And what part of the Usher game is the hoochie wear? The fried chicken menu? The igloos?

diamond life said...

No they did not!

BB Waite said...

Sweet Baby Jesus - what happened to "marriage is an institution that should be not be entered into lightly but with reverence and fear in the divine covenant it represents"?
Booty-poppin' ain't reverent!
I know, I know - I'm old school.

Foxy Brown said...

oooo, oooo, ooooo, then he realizes that nobody loves him and usher as much as baby girl and show up at her house playing 'burn' on repeat!

"...it's been 50-11 days, umpteen hours, i'mma be burning till you return...."

BrendaKay51 said...

I am officially speechless...

Rob said...

Yep, you're old school. But sometimes old school is the best school.

Rob said...

It's coming up quick, son! *dead man walking*

Lady4Real said...

OMG, ok bad choice of acronyms but seriously?? I just got married 7/31 and I did a beach theme but it was tastefully done. I like Usher and all but an Usher themed wedding? Where is David Tuterra when you need him? Please upload the video when you get, this is a must see. LOL, I was dying at my desk reading this one. You have the most fun, I swear.

Brown Babe said...

OK, seriously - if there was anyone in the whole entire world that deserved to have a blog, it is you Chele...I mean, whose real life reads like this?!?!? I for one love watching from the sidelines!

I have NO IDEA how you two held your composure in the midst of the madness, because I was literally laughing out loud this morning on the crowded train.

SingLikeSassy said...

I had no business WHATSOEVER clicking on this today. Jesus be a YouTube link to this when it's on video so I can see it MYSELF.

Jadaloves said...

ROTFLMAO! OMG I am crying lauging at this kimfoolery! That's just a mess all the way around. Beginning with the Ray names and ending with Yeah. They probably traumatized those poor white folks. Thanks for the laugh today. This was classic.

SingLikeSassy said...

You know you have your UGK song ALREADY picked for your entrance, stop playing. LOL!

SingLikeSassy said...

the first dance song was bump and grind. <-- y'all gon' stop with this tomfoolery today. STOP IT!

SingLikeSassy said...

I am mad that you didn't even grab a wing dinner on the way out.

ceeshan said...

I'm sure Big Ray and the rest of the Ray's are giving each other high fives and bragging that they had the wedding of the year. Fried chicken menu, Usher vows, and the trashcan with Usher photo...I can't. This wedding was hilarious and I hope you post the video when you get it. I'm visualizing it and lmbo. Thanks for comedy central today.

rozb said...

Chele - you might wanna be careful. If things work out with you and Derrick these may be the same relatives that show up at your classy, very elegant, and tasteful affair (you know it will be) with Cisco and Thunderbird in paper bags pouring under the table and looking for the hot sauce because you didn't get RayNell 'n 'em to cater the food.

o_O at the trashcan with Usher's face on it. Pure comedy.

OneChele said...

One - bite your tongue. Two - you mean because RayNell and dem won't get to drive through the Popeye's?

Evansaw said...

"Clear Heels and Usher".....I love Black folks! This reminds me of the episode of the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" when Jazz got married and happy couple came down the aisle to the strains of "Float On"!

Nikki said...

Chele - WTF?! I didn't even see you and D there but you made this sound MUCH nicer than it was. I'm family so I can say this - that explosion of white and silver and rhinestones was a hot gotdarn mess. Looked like 400 snowglobes threw up in there. Second - Did you miss RayLynn (3rd bridesmaid from the last) fall down on her way up the aisle or were you too polite to say three wedding guests had to help her ass up? And you LEFT before the reception... where there was KARAOKE and an USHER DANCE-OFF?! And they opened presents there and read each card aloud as they announced each gift? As for the video - they came around with more index cards, this time you could order your "Wedding Memory" package. They are selling the video for $19.99. Um-hmm. Like I said, that's my family so I can judge - that shiggity was Ghetto. Capital G.

OneChele said...

I think the melanin-challenged guests tipped out behind us and yes, they looked like they weren't quite sure what they just witnessed.

rozb said...

I am crying in the office right now - I had to tell them I stubbed my big toe. Really?!?!?!? An Usher dance-off? Karaoke? Why would the guests want the wedding memory package? Did they break out the screen so folks could pose and get their own pics done - the screen with the big air-brushed picture of Alize and Usher?

So funny!

SingLikeSassy said...

They are selling the video for $19.99. <--::dead::

Pure Choco said...

The entire office just watched me run through because this post made me pee my pants a little bit and I had to make a break for the bathroom. I would say that's too much sharing but this right here is a classic. So now all of them reading it and falling out.

J B said...

It could have been Prince....

J B said...

I want one. For those days I feel down and out, you know?

Do they accept Paypal?

JustPassingBy said...

"Looked like 400 snowglobes threw up in there." <~ I'm done.

JustPassingBy said...

I hope you are happy. You have officially ruined Usher shows for quite some time for me.

1xellus1 said...

OMGoodness! Well @ least they aren't "shackin". LOL I'd love to see the video. Mouth was agape during the entire reading of this post. Thanks for sharing.

OneChele said...

Now you know why we cut out early. I could only take so much. Did you get the three piece or the wing sampler?

Nadette@Eat, Read, Rant! said...

Chele...I don't even have words for this nonsense. I was literally shaking my head in horror saying "no, no, no!" at my desk. you know i'm headed right to youtube to search for this, because with that type of a hot mess situation, someone HAD to have taped it and put it on youtube. I've been to a broke down wedding before--it was at the FOP, it was a dry wedding, it was obvious that the bride wore the pants b/c the groom was a p***y, the pastor cracked a bad joke during the ceremony, etc. I've also seen some seriously hot mess weddings on facebook (if i see ONE more "krimson and kreme" themed wedding i'm going to vomit) but this vignette you just shared is by the worst wedding story I've ever heard. *Shaking my head in horror, disbelief and pure amusement*

Stank_0 said...

Wow, I'm again tempted to think this is "creative license" until I read it was a Southern wedding. I laughed out loud several times when reading. I'm glad you go through it so I don't have to.

YardieChicie said...

Please put that on YouTube as soon as you get it. Sharing is caring. :D

YardieChicie said...

I need to live your life for at least one month. I swear, I would NEVER be short of inspiration and writing material!

And, no, I have never been to a wedding like that. All of the weddings I've attended have been pretty classy affairs.

YardieChicie said...

O_O No, no, no, you lie. 'Golden Shower' coming from the cake?! WDDDA? Who's the brainiac behind that idea?

YardieChicie said...

I don't know about Southern. I'm pretty sure Jamaica has its own species of ratchet weddings, but I (mercifully) don't know anyone who would have such a ceremony.

Crystal said...

Wow, just WOW!!!!!

Suebhoney1125 said...

Chele I was about to "quit you" (LOL) for LYING like that. Then when I read further down and saw cuz co-sign, I was like awww hell naw! I have never been to anything that ghetto fab weddings but I did attend the wedding of a close friend's niece, we grew up on the same block so I have known her since she was born. She had her wedding at the Yacht Club (where you have to own a boat and they pull a credit report and do a background before you can join so it's strictly for the rich and snobbish) well of course, you know our cousins don't really know what R.S.V.P. means so of course for the sit down dinner there were not enough seats and people were fighting over the seats at the reception (and I R.S.V.P'd) I was so out done I just gave my gift, well wishes and left. Damn I wish I was invited to this one. Oh well poor Derrick- unfortunately you can't pick your family.

GrownAzzMan said...

So why did I hear 'There Goes My Baby' about five times today! Thanx Chele, I used to like that song...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

Must be southern cause in all my GrownAzz years I have never witnessed anything close to this.

GrownAzzMan said...

I.Can't.With.This.Here.

GrownAzzMan said...

You KNOW they had some luminum foil for folks who wanted to 'tote'...LOL

mizjazzegirl said...

I would have loved to see this wedding. My mom and I would have had jokes for days. Why do I get the feeling that this is the tame version of the wedding?

GrownAzzMan said...

I SWORE this was some made-up ish! Now with Nikki's cosign I don't know what to think...

OneChele said...

Me too! Now my feelings are completely hurt by it. I need a whole new theme song.

OneChele said...

Le Sigh dude. I'm writing the third of three books in two years, I have no energy to create any more fiction.

techgirl said...

I went to a wedding in New Orleans and much too my surprise the bride walked down the isle to There Goes My Baby by Usher. I always thought the bride was so classy. How do you walk down the isle with your Dad to that mess?!!

This Time Now said...

I think that this will be the main reason I never return to the U.S. FOR REAL, CHELE?!!!
Please oh please tell me this is just an excerpt from your new book. PLEASE!! What kind of?! What the?! Who?! Jesus, Why?!!! Claude Hammercy!!!! I will share this with all of my friends. This is unbelievable! I've heard of some crazy stuff in my life, but this right here? This makes In Living Color look like the Cosby Show. Thank you for sharing and I know now that I will work even harder for that work visa in Italy. Thank you for the motivation and I was officially buried at :
The size 30 sister with the curly weave down to her hips outdanced ev'body up that aisle.

I'm resting in peace from now on.
P.S And heck no I've never been at a crazy wedding. People already know at a glance that I'm not up for the foolishness. LOL!

glamah@cococooks said...

Don't know if to laugh or cry! People like That actually exist? I guess it's the equivilant of an Elvis themed wedding for blacks. I went to tacky funeral once where I couldn't keep a straight face.

mojitochica said...

e_O

oyan said...

haha! and, as I read the story, I 'Youtubed' each song to get the full 'experience' of the wonderful occasion. As funny as it seemed, I felt a bit of joy for them; wishing them peace & blessings....

David Chase said...

Well you have ruined a perfectly good song for me. I actually liked There Goes My Baby.
Now I can't listen to it without laughing like a fool. People in the cars around me think I'm crazy.
BTW, don't think we didn't notice New Dude has given you lovey-dovey entrance music. Interesting indeed.

Anonymous said...

I really thought you were making this up...Raynell, Rayquan? I thought surely she doesn't think we're that gullible? A warehouse? Jeans, t-shirts, sunglasses? You must have been born under the sign 'WTF!' with your moon rising in 'Straight-up Crazy.' God bless you for not calling the Bishop and putting a stop to the whole mess!

Nadette@Eat, Read, Rant! said...

jesus be a youtube link <----I'm done! and i'm stealing that quote, just a heads up

BAnjeeB said...

I don't even...WOW! My mouth was wide open from just about "rhinestone heart on the sunglasses". Just wow...that's all.

This Time Now said...

Oh no. Don't blame that on The South. I'm from Virginia and I've never seen nor have I heard of such craziness. I still live my life outside the U.S. but in the South I know that most of us have traditions, or at least a modicum of decorum. This right here? I can't even bring myself to read it again for fear of waking up my next door neighbor. Thanks for the laughs!

P.S. Why do I want all the them to have been high?

Sunny said...

A friend of mine went to a motorcycle club themed wedding last month. The wedding party rode TO THE ALTAR on motorcycles, the flower girl and ring bearer rode up the aisle in a barbie car, the bridesmaids wore short boots, mini bubble dresses and riding gloves, and the bride's father drove her in on a motorcycle. They exchanged riding jackets and the cake was shaped like tires. There are pictures.

OneChele said...

I'm just reading this. Wow. Just wow!

CreoleInDC said...

Imma fight you for this.

Missjo575 said...

All I can say is OMG.

Danette Tucker-Hooper said...

EXCELLENT! WELL WRITTEN AND HILARIOUS!!!

OneChele said...

What I do? *blinks with the big eyes*

Tea said...

um... wow. That's all I have. Wow.

Myas-mom said...

Ok before I read everyone else's response, all I can say is Chele, Why you lying?!! LMFAO!!! You have got to be kiddin me!

"We sat down and kept a straight face when they passed a basket for donations for the wedding fund."...This almost got me called into my supervisor's office!

"She sidestepped, twirled, gyrated and shimmied her way up the aisle."...I can't even picture this!

You're lyin Chele!!! There's nooooo way! LOL

Myas-mom said...

I am sooo agreeing with you! I accused Chele of lying right out the gate! LOL

And I too wish I could have been there, cause I just can't imagine!

Myas-mom said...

No you didn't call on Baby Jesus! LMAO!!!

Myas-mom said...

Soul Mates!!!

Myas-mom said...

LMAO!!! You guys are killin me!

Myas-mom said...

All I can say is WOW!!!

Myas-mom said...

I'm sayin! I know she could have gotten a couple of pictures for us. That way I would not have had to accuse her of lying! LOL

Myas-mom said...

They were probably looking for Ashton to see if they had just got Punked!

Myas-mom said...

No you didn't go there!!! But I'm right with ya!

Girl they have probably never even heard those words before! LOL

Myas-mom said...

LMAO!!!
"...with Cisco and Thunderbird in paper bags pouring under the table and looking for the hot sauce..." ROTF LMAO!!!

Hell in A Handbag said...

Oh dear, I don't know that I would have been able to contain myself. I've been obsessed with weddings recently, having participated in one this past weekend, and having had one myself. This was HILARIOUS! And it went too far. Thanks for the recap. I'm going to read it again when I need a laugh.

OneChele said...

I keep asking where the video is - I'm going to charge per viewing ;-) That's good theatre!

Myas-mom said...

Not dead and whispering. LMAO!!!

*holding up one finger* I'll take one too.

Myas-mom said...

KARAOKE?!! LMAO while ROTF!!!

Yeah GAM, Chele has a witness! Chele I am sooo sorry for calling you a liar. LOL
But I did post your story on facebook. Too funny not to share!

Myas-mom said...

That was a long a$$ aisle! Wow!!!

JojoRaze said...

I am coming out of lurkerdom--I think I was one of your first readers but I never post--just for this. Chele, you have the best stories ever. I don't believe half of them are true, but that's just the New York skepticism in me. But, I have to congratulate you for making laugh so hard that I cried...

I was gone at "They had a routine...Brothers were sweating and breathing heavy by the time they reached the altar-type structure" and double dead at the white folks looking as if they were in the Twilight Zone. If you would have seen my face, it was like Glenn Beck with his fake tears, but real. Thank you for making my day. Congratulations on the blog. It's great.

SSmith said...

OMG I am truly living too sheltered!

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