New Dude, the Ex-Wife and My Life as Soap Opera…

For those of you just joining our program, a few months ago I started dating a divorced gent that I’ve nicknamed New Dude. He has a best friend Vince who is a dedicated bachelor and part-time trouble-maker. His ex-wife and I have met and did not like each other instantly. His mother and I have met – it was love at first sight. Okay, you’re all caught up. Read on…

New Dude, Derrick, is a nice guy. So nice that sometimes I have to blink and do a double take. He will literally inconvenience himself (a lot) to be nice to others. He simply believes the best of people. I find it both endearing and mystifying because as you know, I keep two/three side-eyes in my back pocket at all times. I don’t trust a person farther than I can throw them. And since I haven’t kept up my cardio-boxing this month, that’s not far.

Moving on. Let’s take for instance, the curious case of New Dude’s ex-wife. Here’s what I know about her story:  Shady Ex-Wife (SEW) grew up in an upper middle class family in the MidWest, went to Ivy League schools. She met and married a guy that we know as New Dude. They lived in Charlotte and worked for the same large company. New Dude started talking about kids. She immediately accepted a transfer to a job in San Francisco knowing he couldn’t move with her for a while. She started having an affair (maybe more than one) and then for some unknown reason decided to press the husband to move out there with her. He took a demotion and pay cut to save the marriage and moved out West.

SEW’s affair(s) were found out and she demanded forgiveness saying New Dude forced her to cheat. New Dude somehow believed he should have done more to keep her from falling naked underneath random men. Counseling ensued. When that failed, SEW initiated divorce. New dude moved to Texas to be near fam, frat and friends. He bought a home, moved on and got a life. Fast forward to present day. Soon after recognizing that her ex has moved on, SEW decides to transfer to Dallas even though there’s no professional reason to do so. By moving to Dallas, she will now be working in the same office as her ex-husband every day. She also decides to look for houses within a five-mile radius of his. She has no family or close friends in the area.

Now you’re caught up to this week. Derrick sees no ulterior motive in her actions. And in fact, when she calls to ask him if he’s okay with it, he says – why wouldn’t I be? Bless His Heart.

Wednesday night he discovers that she is planning to come into town this weekend to look at homes. She is going to be staying at Vince’s house. Yep… Vince, his good buddy. Please tell me this isn’t better than a soap opera? When I mentioned that both of them are kind of shady for that, New Dude tells me that she and Vince were actually friends first from way back in the day. My Hot Mess/High Drama radar goes on full alert. And without thinking I ask, “Did they used to date? Is Vince the person she had an affair with?” He looked at me like I was speaking Greek, “What? Where would you get that from?” Then as he let it sink in, he was like, “Now that’s interesting. But I don’t think so.”

Hmpfh. Now, I don’t tell him that his mother has already talked to me and told me that Shady Ex-Wife had called her looking for a place to stay. Mama New Dude politely but firmly told her Heckie Naw. Then Shady Ex-Wife called Mama back to say she was going to stay with Vince but wanted to come by for a visit and to say hi. Mama New Dude again politely declined the pleasure of her company. 

“Michele, she’s a snake in the grass. And Vince has always been Jello.” 

I was confused, "Jello?" 

“Isn’t that what the kids say? Don’t be Jello and full of Gatorade?” 

Much to my credit, I did not laugh. “Do you mean 'don’t be jelly and full of haterade?'”

“Whatever, keep your eye on her and Vince. Derrick is brilliant but too nice for his own good. You have a little steel in your eye and backbone, I can tell. You and I both know silk and satin is still pretty even if it’s covering reinforced steel. You hear me?”

Well damn, I heard that. Let me jot that down in the BougieQuote Hall of Fame – Satin is still pretty over reinforced steel. Amen.

Moving on again. As the evening progresses, Derrick tells me that actually Shady Ex-Wife had called him first and asked to stay at his house. {Let’s marinate on that for a minute}

"Okay, no the hell she didn’t?" <~~ Yep, I said it. I might have yelled it a little.

“No worries, I told her it wasn’t a good idea.”

“Ya think?”

“Alright, don’t get all whipped up. I did say no. I knew you wouldn’t like it.”

“You knew I wouldn’t like it?”

“I wouldn’t like it either. Don’t dissect my words. She’s not staying here. It’s not gonna be an issue. Let’s not make it a thing.”

Red hot laser beam side-eye. “Um, you were ready to go security level orange at me having dinner with the ex-S.O. and I can’t make a thing out of your ex-wife wanting to have a sleepover at your house?”

He goes into the kitchen and starts uncorking wine. He ain’t slick. He pours a huge glass and sets it in front of me. Then he goes back into the kitchen and comes out with cupcakes from the Cheesecake Factory. Okay, he was a little slick. “Here’s the thing. I said no. I would have said no before I met you. She’s not a threat because I don’t care what she does.”

“First, with the red wine and the chocolate- I see you. I pulled the same trick on you two weeks ago with ribs and Heineken. Anyway, you’re not the one I have a problem with. I don’t trust her. And I can’t understand why you don’t see her shady-assed intentions.”

“Maybe because I’m not looking. At all. Are you listening to what I'm saying?”

“I hear you. But I’m just saying that you tend to see the rainbow and forget about the hellafied storm that came before it.”

“Are you calling me naïve?”

“I’m calling you nice.” I was thinking maybe a just a little naïve though.

“You sound like my Mom.” I had to look away for a second on that one. He went on, “If she moves here, are we going to have this discussion every day?”

“Not every day but it depends on how she acts.”

“Maybe she and Vince will hook up and we won’t have to worry about it.” He laughed.

I wasn’t amused. When evil join forces, it never goes well for the Justice League. If she and Vince hooked up, we’d never be free of either of them. But I dropped the subject for now.

What say you BougieLand? Does SEW hanging with Vince bode well or do you find it as side-eye worthy as I do? Oh, this message was approved and proof-read by New Dude. He is mystified by the blogosphere. His exact words, “Michele, no one cares if my ex-wife might have slept with Vince. You are going to ruin your blog ratings talking about me.” What did I tell you? Bless his heart. Thoughts, comments, insights?