Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hook-up Hijinx: A Cautionary BougieTale


Bougie Hook-up: An introduction to a like-minded bougie person.

To the 117 of you that have contacted me looking for a Bougie Hook-up to help you find Mr/Mrs Right... I hear you. And I'm working on a solution. I throw great parties. My "hook-up" parties are responsible for 6 marriages, 9 long-term relaionships and more dates/smash-n-grabs than I care to think about.  So I can at least put you in the right place to meet the right people. But before I do, let me share a BougieTale:

A little over a month ago, I received a request for a Bougie Hook-up from one of our Lady Bougienistas. It just so happened that I received a request from a male BnB reader the same day and the two of them used the exact same language style and phrasing. After a phone conversation with each of them, I had them fill out a short questionnaire. I asked if they wanted background checks or not. They declined. I put them in touch with each other.

They live in the same state but in different cities so the interaction started out by phone, email and text. It was all smiles and giggles between the two of them. In his words, "Virtually, this woman is everything I'm looking for." She sent me a note saying, "I'm very excited about what I see so far." Excellence, I told them, the rest was up to them. My only advice? Take. It. Slow.

So what happens? After three weeks, they decide to meet in the middle of the state for dinner. Dinner goes great, wine gets consumed, pheromones get to working and next thing you know they're in a hotel room doing what drunk happy single people do.

Awkward morning after, promises to talk later and they go back to their separate cities. He sends her the "we're moving too fast" text, she sends back the "I didn't hear you complaining when I was naked" text and the whole thing unravels from there.

Then they both have the good nerve to get back at me to ask, "What went wrong?" Le Damn, people. What did I say? Take. It. Slow. That means coffee, during the day, with no king-size beds or room service. 

I'm not saying the sex on the first date kills any chance of a long-term relationship, I'm saying in this situation you put an additional stressor on a fragile situation. I know, I'm old school. I still think a first date should end in handshakes and hugs not hotel keys and humpin'. You didn't know each other well yet but you both knew the other was looking for something more than Mambo #9 at the Marriott. So the morning after both of you were wondering - how often does he/she do this? 

But I turn this over to you, BougieLand... what should they have done differently? Why do you think they freaked the morning after? What would you do in the same situation? 

The floor is yours...

50 comments:

superwoman said...

unless you're ok with the relationship ending that same night, don't do this... i'm not necessarily a proponent of the whole 90 day rule, but there IS a lot to be said for taking it slow, and doing the deed only once you really feel that it's time - which isn't necessarily when you're tipsy, excited, and thrilled that the first meet is going so swimmingly....

and i say this as someone who's still happily involved with someone that i slept with within the first week of meeting him, (and have been together for the past two years) - but i was okay with it being a quick thing - it just surprised both of us by developing into a love supreme.... ;-)

BrendaKay51 said...

I'm old fashion as well, so there is a definite "No Nookie Give Away on the First, Second and maybe even the Third Date" rule with me. :-)

Ms_Smart said...

I too am old fashion. I don't put out all willy nilly. Just because we have a couple of great conversations doesn't mean jack. I had a wonderful conversation with the customer service rep at BoA. But I wouldn't bed him!

socialitedreams said...

it hardly ever works that some first date hookup turns into a long time love, why do people act like this is some BRAND NEW concept? If you are feeling someone and want it to progress, how about using some human will power and stop humping like animals because you felt like it? Or else take the consequences, but please stop being SURPRISED that it turns out not to be some life long love. Seriously, why do people keep acting like all of this stuff is brand new circumstances?

http://socialitedreams.wordpress.com

blackprofessor said...

I have seen it work as superwoman attests, but in most instances it doesn't! You can't put sexual intimacy before other forms of intimacy like emotional intimacy. You need to have a feel for a person before you start "feeling" them!

I was also raised old fashioned! I agree that you should take your time, really get to know the person and do it when you feel it is time. However, I think the key is really getting to know the person! Now I am prone to ask the hard questions early on, not the first date but definitely within a couple of phone convos. I want a sense of where this man is headed and where he has been.

happinessisme said...

Ugh, I wish people could just be grown about the situation. Of course the dude has a problem, after he got what he wanted. I understand taking it slow, which is what should have happened but didn't. It shouldn't matter when the two have sex, as long as they like each other.SO What if they do "that type of thing" frequently or not,I thought we we're grown? What happened is they focused on the wrong things.

storm529 said...

If you are looking for a long term relationship, it is never wise to do the bump-and-grind on the first date. Now, if you are just looking to have a good time and kick it, no problem (just be sure to use protection).

It seems to me that both of these people were too horny and hot to wait, so they jumped right in and regretted it later. A fail for both.

George Deron said...

I'm not saying people should wear chastity belts and wear purity rings but waiting usually is not a bad thing. A wise person told me that good things come to those who wait... and I wholeheartedly agree. You ever ate a burger when you're completely famished?

It's like manna from heaven coming down to save you from the rumbles in your stomach - and you're probably thinking this is the best thing you've ever tasted.

Just imagine if she waited to distribute the lovely lady lumps!

Dude might be proposing right now...

I'm just sayin'... let a brother take time to know the lady in the streets before he meets the freak between the sheets. I guarantee he'll treasure that gift so much more.

Leon X said...

There's nothing wrong with whatever two consenting adults want to do. Just be able to deal with the repercussions once that deed is done.

BlackButterfly said...

I am confused... I don't understand why either one of them went "there" on the first date anyway because I assumed that in requesting your help to meet someone that they were both looking to find a long term relationship. This is the situation I tell my friends to avoid all of the time! There is the "hit and quit" situation and then there is the "invest and explore" and while both have their benefits-- confusing the two will always leave you with a feeling of indifference because there was NOTHING concrete between the two of you to feel other than that.

KNOW YOURSELF and KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES!

Evansaw said...

The old school is best. People, don't get to jumping into bed with that guy/girl right away. Chele said it right: Take it slow. That is what is wrong with relationships today. Your body is a temple, and you need to save that part of yourself until you are sure that person is worthly, even if it takes months, or yes, years. A few conversations, a few dinners is not enough time to know whether or not you should share your most intimate self with this person. If the encounter is fuel by alcohol, it most certainly will not have a good outcome. Don't give it all away at once! I would want someone to be intriged by my mind before they get a taste of the good-good. If this is the one, they will understand that waiting for the physical will only make it that much sweeter.
(Been around the block a few, married for 17 years).

Evansaw said...

Amen. And once that happens, there is no going back.

bluassassin said...

Sometimes grown folk ain't as grown as they think they are.

Jason P said...

Problem is once you let the genie out the bottle, it's hard to put it back. Now instead of the getting to know you stuff, you're feenin' for the magic.

All Honey said...

Say that! Plus - the good 'n plenty isn't going anywhere, we always have that game to play. Waiting never killed anybody.

I Am Me said...

Agree. I put the blame on old boy because you know he took it there. Girlie was looking right and he said what the hell. The next morning instead of manning up and saying okay we know that works let's put it back in neutral he just decided to bounce. It's really too bad because there was probably something there.

Pure Choco said...

That's too bad. I had a similar experience but I refused to give up after that awkward morning after. I made sure we talked it out. We've been together for 14 months now.

SingLikeSassy said...

I'm confused. I would not have assumed his text meant it was a smash and grab I would have taken it at face value: let's slow this down. I think her reax set this down the wrong path.

Or maybe I've been out the game too long.

But in the future people STOP laying down in strange places with folks you only half azz know! This is how you end up case #761839 on the police blotter. Don't y'all watch Law & Order/CSI/Bones/NCIS???!

OneChele said...

I 100% agree, if she had responded back with a "you're right, let's take it slow" - they could be in a whole different head space.

And yes, doesn't that sound like the start to every Forensic Files: "Suzie left that fateful weekend to meet a man she barely knew at a restaurant close to a hotel in a city where she knew no one"...

Steve said...

When IS the bougie hook-up party? Bruh needs advance notice to get his money right, line tightened up.

For me, if I'm serious - I don't hit on the first date. And I'm sure it's sexist or something but I give a side-eye to the woman giving it up on the first date. She moves into a different category. Not the Future Mrs. Quinlan, that's for sure.

OneChele said...

I think they let the situation get away from them and then regretted it and didn't know how to fix it.

OneChele said...

LOL at the Customer Service Rep!

FreeBlackMan said...

The timing of that first smash is the difference between ho and housewife.

SBChitownChick said...

Terrible idea to meet out of town first unless they had separate beds to go to after dinner. It set expectations too high, there had to be a morning after let down after all of that.

Eye Candy said...

That only works if you say it makes the difference between a pimp and a partner.Takes two to tango

Eye Candy said...

LMAO - yeah it does

rozb said...

Wow - after everything that happens, I am amazed that folks still have to go down this road. Part of being a GAM or GAW is knowing the consequences of our actions and putting them into perspective. Sure there are couples who work it out on the first date (or meet) and get married a month later. There are those who waited months or even after marriage to give it up and end up severely disappointed and leave the relationship. But you cannot base your actions on others rules, values, and experiences.

I think something more happened that one or both of them ain't trying to tell. Somebody got a little loose and tried to put a finger or toe somewhere it normally wouldn't go and now they've got the boo-boo face looking at each other the next day. Someone needs to own up to the faux pas and keep it moving. I'm just sayin'...

Smokie said...

This scenario didn't really have to end up as it did -- even with the sex. I am willing to bet cold hard cash that the woman's post drunk conversation wasn't nearly as carefree and confident as it should have been. This is evident by her response to his "lets slow things down" text. What's PROBABLY missing from this story is her first text that said something like, "I had the best night ever. So where do we go from here??" There's no way a man will just up and respond "lets slow things down" if she didn't call/text him FIRST with echos of desperation.

When women sleep with men on the first date, they have to go into the bedroom with a totally different mindset and expectation than they would after, say, date number 10. You have sex on the first night for one reason and one reason only: because you want some. You don't EXCECT more to come out of it. Funny thing is, when a woman doesn't expect more + she's quietly confident + she's happy and not needy... the man will probably want to see her again and they could easily develop into a relationship. Every woman can't pull off a hoe move like sleeping on the first night...and get a husband out of the deal. To those women I say KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED FOR A WHILE!

JaymeC said...

Well I wouldn't take that bet. I would be more willing to think that a lot of flirting and sexting had gone on prior to the date and then a lot of drinking and winking happened during the date. Chances were neither of them thought about more than scratching the itch.

There's a good chance that the man thought about this on the way home and decided to get ahead of the curve by letting her know he wanted to put the brakes on a little.

Furthermore, I think if too much time hasn't past - they can still fix this if they want to.
But

rozb said...

...and all that was left behind was a red tri-lobal carpet fiber and some Revlon lipstick stain.

GammasWorld said...

I was gonna leave this hook-up talk to you younguns but *if* all dude said was we're moving to fast and she reacted like that, I'd say she's feeling some internal angst and guilt. A simple "yeah you're right" would have salvaged the awkward morning-after situation. That response was a little on the defensive side for grown folk. By the way, I'm so old school, I can't stand the term hook-up so you know what my stance would be on that 1st date thing :)

datdudeincali said...

I agree that the freak flag flew a little too high for one or the both of them. Great at three years, not great at three weeks. Like Chele said: Slow your roll.

maureen palmer said...

I understand, I do not recommend it.

rozb said...

It was better than him sliding out of the bed in the dead of night like Marcus in Boomerang. He saw old girl's feet and almost gnawed his arm off getting out of there.

Just sayin'...

Hidi said...

Probably the situation went beyond what they "planned" so they freaked out. Who knows? Advice: Understand your true intentions before you go into any situation therefore you leave no regrets.

Personally, I would not have sex with my date on the first night. I'm a commitment long term relationship lady. I want everything not just the stick. :)

GrownAzzMan said...

Yes, that is sexist...LOL I am not recommending it for others but I had a long term relationship that developed out of first date sex. It ain't for everybody but it can work.

GrownAzzMan said...

This right here -----> "I think something more happened that one or both of them ain't trying to tell. Somebody got a little loose and tried to put a finger or toe somewhere it normally wouldn't go and now they've got the boo-boo face looking at each other the next day. Someone needs to own up to the faux pas and keep it moving. I'm just sayin'..."

Time for grown folks to man or woman up and admit that neither was a virgin coming in so quit judging.

GrownAzzMan said...

^5 on the Boomerang reference.

rozb said...

You hit the nail on the head!

GrownAzzMan said...

LOL @ the boo-boo face!

Charlie M said...

I totally agree, as I would never have sex on the first night. That's 1 of my big no nos and things just get messy. You have to take your time and get to know the person; no need to rush.

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David Patrick said...

This is not difficult. And it becoming such a common stupid occurence that I almost hate to waste time on the thought of it. How many times can we have a blog post, article, tv show, or radio subject on this before anyone gets the message. Having sex before you know a person is not a good idea for people who "CLAIM" that are interesting in a relationship and getting to know someone. Time and time again they hear these horror stories and think that they are the exception. Here is a news flash, you are NOT the exception. The moment you think you are, you get caught slipping.

Tell me what you learn about a person from having sex with them? The answer is nothing. You can't convince me otherwise. The depths of what you learn from a person comes from consistant conversation. I dare anybody to make a person wait an entire year for sex. You will learn much more (provided that person even sticks around). If they are not willing to wait, you will learn that they are not really interested. The SAME lesson you learned from giving up your goodies.

GDB said...

Age matters. Sex matters. He just saved her X number of months/years by being honest that the sex is not worth driving long distance for; they can still email and call though. :)

Myas-mom said...

Damn girl were you a fly on the wall? You broke this one down and it will forever be broke!

Tea said...

You do Bougie hook-ups in Chicago? #ImJustSayin'

OneChele said...

LOL - working on it ;-)

Tuan said...

This younggun agrees. I think a simple I agree or we got caught up in the moment would have sufficed. The addition of this is S.No.B. would have cut out some of the awkwardness with at least a chuckle. Call me crazy but to me moving too fast means I'd like to ease my foot on the gas not take it off completely or pump the brakes. However her response would make me want to pump the brakes and I'm a woman. I think it's salvageable nonetheless.

The_A said...

[applause] This Ladies & Gentlemen is what a grown up owning their life looks like.

Everything is not for everybody. If you are 'grown' enough to sleep with someone you don't know, be grown enough to deal with the consequences with some level of maturity afterward. If not, don't do it. Pure and simple. Like Choco.

Raediant said...

Do you have Bougie Hook-ups in Dallas? Aren't you located in Dallas?

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