Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Are you Social Media Sexy but Real Life Ratchet? 5 Ways to Tell


Do you know folks that are all Facebook fabulous and Twitter terrific, then you meet them in real-life and it's so very womp, womp, womp? I've had the misfortune to both meet and discover some Facebook frauds and Twitters twits. Here are five ways to tell if you're faux fab:

1. If you spend all day talking about your fab life (instead of living it) and the headquarters of Fab Inc are in Big Momma's basement. What is fab about living off of Big Momma's social security check? No, you don't have to be ballin' but quit acting like you're living the Champagne Life when it's all Red Koolaid round your way.

2. If your gorgeous online picture bears absolutely no resemblance to you. As you appear in real life... today... not five years ago. Here's a thought: Avatar. Get you one and hide behind it. But don't use Denzel's picture if you are Flava Flav's twin. That's false advertising.

3. Fellas, if you have 900 female "friends" you are trying to holla at online but no hope of a significant other in real life. Like none in sight. At all. Can't buy a coffee date. Twitter trollin' is no bueno, tricks are for kids. That goes for you pimpin' playas too: the truth will out. 

4. If your 140-character game is tight, all wit and whimsy but you cannot string two intelligent sentences together face to face. I admit my letter writing is tight but ask me a question and I'll bet I can come with a decent answer. How you tweetin' Ritz Carlton level and speakin' like Rodeway Inn?

5. If you are "keyboard brave". This means you talk a whole lotta self-righteous yada-yada about what's wrong with the world, women, men, music, movies but never affect a single drop  of change. Calling out other folks, talking all sorts of smickety-smack with no means or plans to back it up. Hope no one calls your bluff. Then again, they probably have and you de-friended/blocked them. Um-hmm.

Y'all know who you are. Cease and desist. Immediately.

Bougieland - thoughts? comments? insights? Know any folks like this? Have any to add to the list?

57 comments:

CCDreamz said...

Ooooh! Why so quiet in here? The truth will make you free. lol

mojitochica said...

Probably because Disqus ain't worth shiggity! I'm shocked it's working now.

JaymeC said...

Ooo - it's To Tell the Truth day on BnB!
I find it's easier just to be Jayme 24/7. :-)
But there are a whole lotta of Number 1s and 5s out there.

David Chase said...

Shots fired at number 3 - ouch! But I had to laugh anyway. I know a lot of bruhs pimpin' in 140 and no where else.

GrownAzzMan said...

Ok, this right here ---> "How you tweetin' Ritz Carlton level and speakin' like Rodeway Inn?" Turn a phrase why don't you Chele!

Deb B said...

Number Two with a side of Number Three- please stand up!!!
I met guy on Facebook, he approached me - flatter, flatter, banter, banter, wink, wink.
We met for coffee. He was maybe 5 feet tall and half as wide. Which would have been okay if he hadn't looked like Chocolate Thunder from Down Under in his pic and DESCRIBED himself as "fine and cut".
And he triple booked. He had three of us lined up giving him the side-eye.
Just EPIC fail all the way around.

Slim Jackson said...

I chuckled at this post because I joke about this stuff all the time. People meet me and are surprised that I'm equally as foolish in person and that I'm easily recognizable. I will say that this goes both ways of course. There are significantly more women running through these social media outlets that talk a mean game, but then turn out to be yuk-faced and everything else in person. I think that's why people love the internet though. It allows one to assume an identity they wouldn't have otherwise in a lot of cases.

I likes ya gangstah tho.

Joy Andrews said...

She's shootin' yo. LMAO!

How about all this online entreprenegros who are just hustlin' stuff out of their trunks?! No sir, you are NOT a video producer if you filming women with your phone and posting it on YouTube. GTFOH.

OneChele said...

Ha! I don't know sir - I think we'd have to get a scientific poll to see who's faking the funk more out on these innanets. I suspect it's running dead even.

But yes, you know how you're irritation level hits a certain point and you have to blog it out? This.

OneChele said...

*curtsies* Thank you kindly.

OneChele said...

Ooo. Ugh. Sorry.

datdudeincali said...

Number Two/Four is my pet peeve. Please, please, please - come as advertised.
That. is. all.

ASmith said...

Amen and amen, Lord.

what happened to just... being for real. Ain't it easier to just be who you ACTUALLY are? Lord help us, please. It's just the interwebs.

Andrea M said...

Slim - this stuff cracks me up as well.
Chele - I was just telling someone the other day some of these people perpetrating bigger frauds than Enron.

BlackestBerry said...

"Real Life Ratchet" = phrase I'm stealing. Starting immediately.

LikeLena said...

LOL at entreprenegros!!

taut_7 said...

i know plenty of people like this. *shrug* some people tend to switch up the e-persona from how they actually are in real life. i think it's funny when i actually witness this. if i was a mean person i would call out a lot of people but alas i'm not.

Suebhoney1125 said...

My friend base on fb is kept to a real minimum. But I do know people who post "face only" picks when I know for certain that it is a "Glamour Shot". LOL!!! As the youngsters say "Whats really real?" :)

OneChele said...

You know the temptation to start listing Twitter names and posting profile pics vs. real pics....
I held it back though.

thinklikeRiley said...

See - this is why I just serve it up straight. You get what you get. Love it or leave it alone.

GrownAzzMan said...

Statistically speaking its got to be women who are faking the funk the most simply by sheer numbers if nothing else. And if I had written this there would have had to be a line about posting a pic she took the one day her weave was tight and before she picked up that weight from baby #1,2, & three. I'm just sayin'....

Grace said...

I have to respectfully disagree. I've met both men and women from Twitter/Facebook and the women have more closely resembled their pics than the men. But I'm going to assume this is a subjective debate :-)

derek love said...

Who triple books when he looks like a troll?!

Javalicious said...

Life is too short to be more than just me.

FreeBlackMan said...

Like Chele said - Keyboard brave. Ninjas get their egos hella blown up online thinking they're all that and then they have to bring that in real life. Game ain't for everybody,

rozb said...

I love this post! I have been bamboozled and hoodwinked a time or two. Comes with the territory of the anonymous blogging world.

The worst was meeting a guy who bragged on his single family 4-bedroom home with the Mercedes and Harley-Davidson in the garage. He became downright condescending when I told him I owned my own little townhouse. He actually said "Aww - perhaps you'll be on the rise one day. Everyone starts somewhere." o_O

I meet him at IHOP (his "spot") and instead of the guy in the 25 year-old pic, he looked like he had been rode hard and put up wet. He had that old alcoholic pallor to his skin and he weighed a buck ten (he was about 5'10"). He ordered one pancake and a glass of tap water - he made sure they understood tap water. Then he berated the waitress about her serving his one pancake from the wrong side. I ordered the biggest hamburger I could eat and a giant Sprite, and proceeded to chow down. When he paid, the girl asked if he had an AARP card (Yes, she did). This verified to him that he did not look 37, and he pulled out the wallet with the rubber band and counted out to the penny the payment. I walked back and gave the girl a great tip for the awesome laugh I was gonna have. We then walked to our cars. My Mustang was parked next to this 1976 gold Mercedes with dents and rust - I did not know. He said "This is my baby! She rides so well!" He then said he was gonna ride the bike but it needed a tune-up. :/ Frankly the thought of this welterweight man on a bike riding down the highway was scary and funny at the same time. I stifled the urge to bust out laughing in his face, said thanks for the burger, and got in my car as fast as I could.

Yeah - reality is so much better than fiction. I felt punked. All that was missing was Ashton Kutcher popping out the trunk of the hoopty. Just be yourself - really.

Steve said...

I just met a dude who was all ballerific on Twitter. He hired me to do personal training for his "company". Why is it him and his cousin Pete selling sausage out of a truck? And why did I bust my ass working these two out for a week before I realized his check had bounced. Bank said their account was overdrawn for months. As you say - Le Boo.

Reads4Pleasure said...

One pancake? What the hell??? Who even knew you could order one pancake? He should have just stayed his tail at home.

Steve said...

Oh - HollaFAIL.

rozb said...

Did you at least get free sausage?

I Am Me said...

You know I was wondering the same thing. But I imagine if you sell sausage from a truck you need a personal trainer.

I Am Me said...

Can we get Chele to make a T-shirt: Game Ain't For Everybody

AppleBerryMIA said...

"quit acting like you're living the Champagne Life when it's all Red Koolaid round your way" <-- Game. Set. Match.

Pure Choco said...

Disqus has been down most of the day but I wanted to say this post is timely and on point. That is all.

James said...

LOL.. so on point! sending all my friends this link! another good one~

Jeannette said...

Don't get me started on the Twitter extroverts and the real life introverts...they are so easy to point out!

maureen palmer said...

Oh snap, busted for using Maxwell Avatar. I thought if I put it our there in the universe, I might become Mrs Maxwell someday. In Chele's words Le Damn!

GammasWorld said...

Is that kinda like "one rib" (Chris Rock voice)?

rozb said...

Much love for the "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka" reference!

rozb said...

I was almost embarrassed for him until began acting like a jackass to the waitress. Premium shiggity and ratchetness right there.

rozb said...

And he ate that one pancake like it was a T-Bone. He cut it in small pieces and chewed it well. Meanwhile, I inhaled the burger and fries and kept looking around for the joke to be over.

OneChele said...

Thanks JBeezy.

OneChele said...

Yes indeed.

OneChele said...

Points for "ballerific"

CreoleInDC said...

I know people who fit all of these and one who fits all at once.

CreoleInDC said...

Did you say "sausage out of a truck?"

Imma fight you.

GrownAzzMan said...

I was reading quietly to myself and was doing just fine until you brought back, "rode hard and put up wet." ROFLMBAO!

lawsoncomp said...

Now that I've wiped the tears away, I want to say that you just hijacked this post. Too funny.

She's Savvy said...

Great post! I think it's funny when I go out and someone recognizes me from my Twitter avatar and I have absolutely no idea who they are. They'll be like, "Hey, I'm @blahblahblah" and the whole time I'm thinking to myself they look nothing like their picture. That's the ultimate deception.

Myas-mom said...

Like GAM, I was good until, "...rode hard and put up wet." Where in the hell did get that from? LMAO!!!

AARP? *layin in the casket*

Myas-mom said...

I got yo back! LMAO!!!

Myas-mom said...

"But don't use Denzel's picture if you are Flava Flav's twin." LMAO!!!

Before all this technology came into existence, many years ago (ok it was in the 80's), a guy called me and had the wrong number, but a conversation ensued. We described ourselves to each other and eventually met in person. HE SAID he was 6 feet tall (he was about 5' 9"). HE SAID his skin color was light brown (his complexion was very dark brown). HE SAID he was handsome (his teeth ROARED at me as they sat on top of each other!). HE SAID he was nicely built (he was bout 5 lbs heavier than SNOOP)....He was definitely ahead of his time. I know he is "runnin a muck" on facebook and twitter! LOL

Myas-mom said...

And how could I forget, HE SAID his eyes were hazel (they were like mine, so dark they're almost black!). Facebook Fabulous indeed!

rozb said...

My grandfather used to say that when a horse was out for working the field, and it was put back in the barn while it was still sweaty, snorting, and dirty. The horse looked very nappy and jacked up as well as tired. When I saw him he looked so used up and kinda shriveled like beef jerky. Ick.

The girl actually said AARP. She knew what she was doing and I had to go back and thank her for that laugh. Either he was lying about his age, or he just lived a hard-knock life chasing cars that hit the brakes too many times.

Myas-mom said...

Rozb STOP IT!!! I did not need this "extra" commentary! ROTF while LMAO!!!

"...chasing cars that hit the brakes too many times. " I was already dead in the casket, did you have to come in and shoot me? LOL

melhopkins2012 said...

:D...C'mon! it is all an illusion anyway -even if its not behind the 1s and 0s ;)

I Am Me said...

You lost me at IHOP "his spot" <- what kinda playa is pimpin' over pancakes?
What part of the game is that?

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