Wednesday, July 28, 2010

RWNTD*: Who's the rabbit?


Guy wants girl, girl finds out and flings herself at guy. Guy gets what he wants, loses interest moves on. Guy approaches girl, declares his fervent interest, girl takes advantage of all the fervent interest and puts guy in friend zone. Just two examples of stories we've all heard before. What went wrong?

Broken down to the most elemental basics, relationships begin with the chase. Sometimes a short chase, sometimes a long, drawn out exhausting chase where you wonder if the prize is even worth it at the end... but I digress. It's a rabbit hunt if you will. Someone's got to be the hunter, someone's got to be the rabbit.

In a traditional male-female meme... the woman is the rabbit. Let me repeat that for every damn body: The WOMAN is the RABBIT. Not the man. I don't care how many mainstream media outlets try to convince you that there is only one decent heterosexual black male left in the Western Hemisphere. That's no cause to fling your drawers at everything with an XY chromosome. Seriously girls, stop doing the modern equivalent of clubbing men over the head and dragging them back to your lair. 

Ladies, your job is to fluff your tail and present yourself as something the hunter wants to take home and keep. Your job is not to grab the gun and chase the hunter down. It's your forest, run until you get caught. Unless you don't want to be caught, in which case just stay in your hole and make it as comfy as possible. Whatever (this metaphor is killing me).

Simply put - Ladies, quit chasing! It's not attractive, it reeks of desperation and it rarely works. I understand we're all liberated, hear-me-roar and all of that but in my very humble opinion, some traditions need to stay right in place. He is man, you are women... let him come to you. Or at the very least, be slick enough to let him think it was his idea to approach you.

And gents, you don't get off easy here. A friend of mine used to say that when you're hunting and the rabbit comes to you... there's something wrong with that rabbit. Do you really want the rabbit that jumps in the pot and says, "Cook me?" Don't you want to work for it a l'il bit?

You should at least meet half way. And I mean some of you fellas have got to step your chase game up. Smiling at me across a room tells me that you're polite, not that you're interested. The black man head bop as you walk past? Again, that's a greeting not an acknowledged interest. Not trying to be difficult or play hard to get, we ladies just need you fellas to make it plain without being sleazy. "How are you doing today?" Is lovely. "Shake something for me, shawty." Is not. But ya'll already know this. You catch a rabbit with a carrot (or a carat), think on the metaphor.

Agree? Disagree? Do share your thoughts on the chase - and why it gets harder to figure out who's wearing the cottontail and who's dangling the carrot

Tomorrow on BnB: Get real already. Don't date what you can't deal with.

*RWNTD: Relationship What Not To Do

70 comments:

Shondriette D Kelley said...

Great post! It's in the same vein as yesterday's discussion on www.max-logic.com.

Loneliness can lead to bad decisions so I'll admit that I've chased a man or two in my lifetime. However, I've learned that a) I'm too fat to run and b) I don't want a man that's not willing to put in the effort to meet and keep me.

In general I believe too many women have gotten desperate and too many men have gotten lazy. We've all got to do better.

chele said...

Totally agree and I'm as liberated as they come. But when it comes to relationships: a man should be a man and woman should always be a LADY.

Natasha Williams said...

I definitely agree women should leave the chasing to men. I chased a few men before in my life, and it always ended the same, sans man. This holds true for online dating sites also. Post your profile, and let the men come to you. If a man is really interested he will let you know. He will send you an email, wink, etc... Don't get the roles twisted. I met my now husband on Match.com, and he sent me a message first. I knew he was interested, I was flattered, we met, we dated, we married a year later :-)

Stank_0 said...

I've been on both sides and when I chase it worked out better because I knew she's what I wanted. Here's the rub. No women wears a sign saying chase me... So the women just have to wait for object of their interest to pursue? Thank goodness I'm a man that sounds tiring.

WriterChanelle said...

I had this long, drawn out response typed up...erased it. I'll just say good men exist but they're likely too busy "improving themselves" to make the first move. The ones who do chase are all wrong.

Orange Star Happy Hunting said...

AMEN , let the truth be told and the confused take note,
btw I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOONEY TUNES!!!!

vonnie said...

I definitely agree with this. Time after time I see the failed repercussions of someone deviating from this mindset, women chasing and whatnot. Not a good look and the proof is in the failed pudding.

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Ms_Smart said...

*stands up slowly, puts MLK,Jr./Swanson Funeral Home fan on the pew behind me* Amen sister! Amen!

Myas Mom said...

OneChele, you couldn't have been more right this here morning!!! I had someone try to give me a side-eye when I said I have never initiated interaction with a man. Don't get me wrong, I'll flirt, smile, etc., but if he don't step to me with a "Hello", then we won't be meeting. And don't tell me to "Come here"! Ninja please! You see me, you see where I am, your legs work, nuff said!

Now YES, I have been a fool before!!! Lawd knows I have! Tried to hold on when there was NOTHING left! But in the "hunt" I am the rabbit. I won't chase! I won't do it. LOL!!!

tiffanyinhouston said...

I think both men and women are so scared of failing that they don't even bother to try anymore.

FreeBlackMan said...

Problem is most women make themselves dateable but little else.

Sweet N Tart said...

I think the key is to let a man know you want to be chased. Some of these "hunters" are scared of the rabbit. The real question is- Who's got the gun?

Lynnette M. Evans said...

*Drops offering in the plate and comes forward for the Altar Call*
YESS! You sure DID preach this! I've stood on my soap box so many times telling my guy friends this. I am NOT going to chase a guy! Call me "old-fashioned" but that's not what my DADDY taught me to do! Great post as always :-)

Rob said...

I like when a woman chases. Then again, those experiences have not worked out.
Also a woman should know that no man wants to chase forever. And no man wants to chase a bitter testy rabbit. A smile and a nice attitude goes a long way.

ASmith said...

If there's one thing I won't do, it's make it easy.

I mean, aside from letting a man be a man (or however you wanna phrase this), I can't be bothered with someone who can't open their mouth and express interest. Closed mouths don't get fed, right?

Some of my friends tell me it's a cop out to dismiss a guy because he won't be plain with his English and his actions. I say it spares us all a lot of wasted effort. If you're interested, SAY SO.

Diana said...

Okay... but what did that have to do with this post? It's always telling the men who take every (every single) opportunity to air beef instead providing solution oriented comments.

Diana said...

So sad and so true!

GrownAzzMan said...

'Do you really want the rabbit that jumps in the pot and says, "Cook me?" ROFLOL If it were that easy there would be no hungry hunters. Amen to the meeting halfway. We don't want to chase forever and women signals are like reading Chinese. Chele dropped some science here. Passing it on!

Queen of Me said...

Um - that's kinda real.

EvolvingElle said...

So, I've been that girl, running after some boy, but not to the point of stalker mode, just excessive phone calls and invites out. Now that I'm a little older and little wiser, I realize it's not cute to be "thristy". So I'm sitting back and letting men be the hunters...and so far it's working. I never want to be the girl that a guy avoids and runs from like the plague. I like being chased. And I believe in letting a man be a man. Well said, OneChele!

Sasha Stiletto said...

Let me step my metaphor game up. Sometimes the rabbit only wants to hop in the pot long enough to get a little wet, then we're back to the forest. *shakes a tailfeather on the way out the door*

OneChele said...

What's not to love? Bugs and the gang totally rock!

OneChele said...

"I believe too many women have gotten desperate and too many men have gotten lazy" Preach it.

OneChele said...

Thanks for sharing your experience!

OneChele said...

Now that's a whole other topic, that "LADY" discussion...

OneChele said...

Exhausting in fact. But usually a woman can find a way to let a man know she's interested without chasing him down like a bounty hunter. ;-)

Myas Mom said...

If you're scared of the rabbit you're chasing, then you should probably find a new rabbit to chase. Some of us rabbits have guns to protect us from the wrong hunters. A smart rabbit knows when to put her gun away and be chased. (And a smarter rabbit knows to keep her tucked away but in reach, just in case the hunter was perpetrating a fraud!) Now if the rabbit you're chasing has a gun and you don't have a bigger one, again you should probably find a new rabbit. Rabbits have their skills just like hunters do, so skillfully hunt rabbits that you are capable of catching. And if you choose to try and enhance your hunting skills by chasing skillful rabbits, don't be bitter when you don't catch them. Chalk it up to experience and keep on huntin!

I love the metaphor of the hunter, gun and rabbit!

Ebonee said...

I read "Why Men Loves B*****" and it speaks exactly about not jumping in the pot and asking to be cooked. But I think it's easier said than done. I recently had a house party and there were about 16 women and 5 men. Only 1 of which was eligible. It's rough out there!

http://navigatHR.com

Myas Mom said...

Damn Sasha you ain't no joke! But I so feel you! However this still makes the valid point of the chase and roles at hand. If I jump in your pot, get what I came for and "shake my tailfeather" on the way out, please don't chase me, we're done! (Unless you really knew how to stir that pot and I come back a few mo gains!) LMFAO!!!

CreoleInDC said...

Aiight...I KINDA agree a lot but not really on one point and I'll tell ya why.

Back when I was dating I was also working in corporate America. I didn't have TIME to sit around and wait on a man I thought was interesting looking so yes...I didn't have a problem with stepping up and introducing myself. Now...I may not have pursued said man after we exchanged numbers but yeah...I approached him first so I could get on with my business at hand.

This was something I found I had to do because I got tired of men telling me I was unapproachable and that they were intimidated by me.

OneChele said...

True, not easy. We must discuss your guest list. I always invite 2.5:1 ratio eligible men to eligible women. ;-)

OneChele said...

My point exactly, that's not chasing - that's letting your interest be known and letting the man do the rest. Yes, ma'am!

derek love said...

And THIS ladies and gentleman is how the game gets played. All a brother needs is half an invitation to chase and most of us are down if we're interested. Keeping it classy.

CreoleInDC said...

Well then...I guess we agree. ROFL!

OneChele said...

LOL - "Everybody plays the fool... sometime." Live and learn ;-)

Kiki said...

Yeah, I don't agree with this at all. I go after what I want, I don't sit back and wait for life to happen to me. If that makes me less than a lady, so be it. Works for me so far.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Oh so, you're happily married then?

Kiki said...

No but that doesn't mean my way doesn't work. Trust me, many men like to be chased.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Many men like many things that you probably shouldn't do if you want the ring. Plus, I'm pretty sure Chele never said sit back and let life happen around you. But I'm not going to debate you. Good luck.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

The way I met the woman I'm marrying this winter? She walked past me and dropped her business card and left. Truthfully, I hadn't even seen her in the restaurant so by the time I registered what happened, she was gone. I was intrigued, I called, I chased, I won.

OneChele said...

I just think you appreciate things that you have a work a little bit for. Not to be confused with making someone suffer. Just don't hand over the keys to the kingdom/queendom so to speak.

LMO85 said...

Sidebar note: Not every single black woman is looking to be married at the end of the rainbow. Some of us just want to enjoy the journey along the way of life. Not saying I agree or disagree with a woman "chasing" a man. Ugh I hate that term.

LMO85 said...

"If you're interested, SAY SO." GOTTA Co-sign this one right hur!!!!

bluassassin said...

What does that mean? *scratches head*

thinklikeRiley said...

You already knowin' - I ain't chasing a damn thing. Come my way or keep it movin'

Rob said...

Game recognize game sir...

Rob said...

You speaking truth today, sister!

JaymeC said...

Riley, sweetie - go to church.

JaymeC said...

Watch where you shake that tail girl - HA!

bluassassin said...

I am SO the rabbit! I've been told that I appear unapproachable. I'm not really. (Really, I'm not! LOL) My thought is: any man without the courage to approach is not the man for me. So I don't worry about it. My time will come. . .

I heard that fear of rejection is the main reason men won't approach. I wonder if that's true. . .

JaymeC said...

This is probably the "realest" thing I've read so far. Seems like everyone is so busy trying to convince everyone else how "fabulous" they are, it's harder to connect just on a very basic level.

Steve said...

Not fear of rejection - fear of humiliation. Some ladies are mean as hell. No one here in BougieLand of course. All you ladies are ever so lovely and polite. #simpin'

rozb said...

I like being pursued and wooed. I work all day being aggressive and outgoing - I want someone to bring out my softer side, and if being "chased" does that, then so be it. It makes me no less an equal partner in the relationship that may develop.

mojitochica said...

Didn't we learn our lesson about church folk yesterday? ;) I'm not sure what can help Riley short of a full blown personality transplant.

bluassassin said...

You're right, I've seen women cut some men to the quick.

LOL @ #simpin'

Jason P said...

I see you, pimp.

Jason P said...

So you know your comics, you know your action movies, you watch sports, you cook, work, write and like all types of music - DNA for the clone please!

Jason P said...

Points for "proof is in the failed pudding"

Myas Mom said...

Riley you're not taken on your role as a man. So whatever is steppin your way ain't worth much cause if she was she would have made you pursue her. That's just how it works. And why would you want easy? I know you're just being lazy right now cause you're tired. I understand. Tip: When you get back out there and put in the work that you're supposed to, hunt where you are skillful, and please stay off of private property!

Myas Mom said...

LOL!!! Smart move!

YardieChicie said...

Man, this dating game sounds like a real head-wrecker. Sounds like more 'game' than anything else. =/

baileyqc said...

First of all - Relationship Week NEVER disappoints.
Secondly, this is spot on. Bailey doesn't chase. Bailey smiles and says Hi. Back in the old days, we called that dropping the gauntlet. Mr. Man needs to pick it up and run with it.

JustPassingBy said...

Your posts are great but the comments are the most interesting snapshot I've seen in a while.

Girl6 said...

Oo. Shots Fired.

LikeLena said...

How mad are you that the Google ads on the side of the page are for rabbit repellents? BWAHA!
Anyway, great post. I think it depends. Sometimes a fella needs a little nudge. Agreed, not a club over the head drag back to lair but a little "incentive."

Man's World said...

Tried to stay away but I just had to take a quick look. Now this is a post I can get behind. Yes, thank you! As if my "name" and avi didn't say it - I like those traditional values. Let a man do what a man's supposed to do. And before somebody clowns, I cook, clean and wash my own clothes. I want a partner not a housekeeper. But I can be the one who invites you in?

"Sexual Chocolate!" *drops mic*

I just always wanted to say that...

GDB said...

No need to chase if you're willing to move out of your comfort zone!

Kandia said...

Girl you better preach. "It's your forest, run until you get caught". I LOVE THAT!!

I'm very old-fashioned when it comes to courting....the year 2010 or 2050 I'll still feel the same way.

donell said...

man as hunter is more than just nurture, it's nature. at the conception of life, hundreds of millions of sperm all vie in a literal life or death race to be THE one to fertilize the single female egg.

while ladies can certainly show their interest in a man (studies suggest 5 seconds of eye contact is all it takes) anything beyond that should be left up to the man. if he doesnt pursue - he's not that interested...or he's not much in the man-up dept and darwinism will ensure that his weak lily-livered genes will not be passed on to future generations.

this being 2010 - sistas are free to do what they choose. but if your quest is to get wifed up - you'd be wise to not go against nature on this one. 68 comments on here, and not a single "she chased and got the ring" comment. and on the off chance a lady pursues and it does lead to the altar - please believe that the reversed male/female roles and dominance will be the pattern for the duration of that relationship.

but sistas if you are out to just "shake your tail feather" (i c u sasha stilletto) then disregard my message and the majority of the messages on this thread and do you baby gurl!

Rosey said...

Great post. I agree 100%. I have never had a successful relationship when I've done the chasing...NEVER.

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