Friday, July 30, 2010

RWNTD*: Doing too much

Let me share this letter from a gent we'll call Tired Dude and then we'll chat about it:
Dear Chele,
I know I’m going to sound selfish but hear me out - my girlfriend is trying too hard. Or as you like to say, she’s doing too much. Dropping by on the way to work to bring me a breakfast biscuit is great. Driving 32 miles to bring me a four course meal in the middle of the day when I told her I was going to be in meetings? Too much.
She texts at least twenty times a day. Calls just to "check in", shows up at my job, at the gym, at my house unannounced and uninvited. Given a chance I would invite her along but I don't get a chance to miss her. She is pressed! If I post something on Facebook she comments and likes it to death. She tweet-stalks me… I can’t breathe. Can I give you some of the backstory?
We met over a year ago, introduced by friends. In the beginning, all was well. She was a sweet girl, I’m a nice guy. We hit it off, talked, and laughed. Had things in common. Somewhere around the one year mark (two months ago) something got strange. She started being clingy and needy.
This may be TMI but she is wearing me out. Like everything has to be on and perfect, she’s pulling out sex tricks I’ve never even heard of and some I never wanted to. Sorry but it’s not fun when someone is trying that hard. I’ve tried to talk to her about just easing up a little bit. She cried and asked me what she was doing wrong. After that I just shut up. I don't want to break up with the her she was before her crazy alter ego took over.
Today, I came home from work and she had the landlord let her in so she could wash my clothes and clean the apartment. Not that I'm not appreciative but I'm looking for the bunny on the back burner next. 
Have any insights for me? A brother is tired.
I can actually empathize with his dilemma. In a similar scenario, I once dated a brother that stayed pressed. Like calling twice an hour, coming over and sitting right under me for hours, wanted to hold hands 24/7, all up in my personal space... I'm just not that clingy. He actually said, "I need us to share every thought and deed." Yeah, um - I needed space. It ended badly. I blogged about it in a tragic TapBack Post. So yes Tired Dude, I've been there.

Here's the deal, Tired Dude. First of all, respect for the Fatal Attraction bunny reference. Your girl "will not be ignored!" [apologies] Long story short, TD:  She wants a commitment, probably a ring. You passed the magic "12-month" time period and she wants to lock it down. Unfortunately, she's been brainwashed into thinking she can cook, clean, cling and coochie her way into Mrs. Tired Dude status. You're going to have to tell her (not ask her) to fall back and let you breathe.

Maybe if you let her know what your "future intentions" are for your relationship, she'll calm down. (Provided she's in your plans.) Sometimes the uncertainty mixed with the biological time clock can make a woman a little crazy. Have a little patience but be firm about what you want and what you're thinking. Sounds like she'll cry but you'll have to put the foot down and let her know she has got to stop being so "thirsty". Though I don't believe in ultimatums - she needs one: Back up or be gone. Chill or check out. Then I'd give her a little (very little) time to readjust the cling-factor. Let us know how it goes.

Don't know why I remember this but way back in the day, Brandy (the singer) had a reality show about her pregnancy on MTV. Her baby daddy (producer Robert Smith) was bailing on her all the time to go play ball (or whatever) with his boys. Brandy stood in the driveway screaming, "You'll be back jocking as soon as I'm fine again. You'll be back!" That threw me. And it applies to this post - she was just a little too thirsty in that relationship.

As a matter of fact, people - stop doing too much. Take two steps back from your S.O.'s breathing space and do you for a second. Trust if the relationship has any kind of staying power, they'll holla. Fellas you don't have to call/text fifteen times. We got the first message, we'll get back to you. Ladies, you don't have to pull out the whole bag of tricks to lock a brother down. If a man is into you, he's into you. If he's not, hanging sparklers out of your vijayjay isn't going to help. NO, not even if you serve him a perfectly grilled steak first.

Stop tricking for treats, please people. Get some pride about yourself. Be you and if that's not enough for your S.O. - you're with the wrong person.

Bougie out, ya'll. What cha got for Tired Dude and folks that are doing too much? Thoughts, insights, comments? The floor is yours.

*RWNTD: Relationship What Not to Do - Hope you enjoyed the week!

38 comments:

Shondriette D Kelley said...

This entire post is so hilarious that I can't craft an intelligent comment! I may be back when I catch my breath but if not thanks for a great series :) I always enjoy your posts but this week has been especially on point. Like I told you on Twitter, you need to compress them into a wallet-sized booklet and pass them around everywhere: schools, the mall, the club...get the message to the masses, woman!

CurvyJones said...

Man, I wish I had the energy to be creepy. HAH!

James said...

run forrest run! i see a restraining order in Tired Dudes future lol

BrendaKay51 said...

I'm co-signing with James.

This is not clingy behavior ~ this is SCARY behavior. The alarm bells went off about her showing up at the job and at the gym, and most especially when she's convincing the landlord to let her in a residence where her name isn't on the lease.

Definitely scary...

Cheri said...

Great post Chele. Unfortunately, I know lots of women like this. One is the sister of the minister of the church I used to attend. Seems she had her eye on the single guy who helped teach the chorus class at the school where I worked at the time. At least twice a week she'd arrive, making sure to stop by my desk to grin and say, "Girrl, I'm trying to get this man." She'd have a foil-wrapped plates smelling like fried chicken and still grinning, she'd hurry through to make sure she got it to him before lunch. I finally caught on that cueing me about her intentions was her way of staking her claim to this fella because he and I were co-coordinating an after-school program together. She had no need to worry. He did NO work in the program--was actually SLEEPING when he was supposed to be monitoring over 50 kids in open gym activity, YELLED at me like a abusive husband when I called him on his lack of responsibility, and I eventually had to tell the principal it was him or me--because I wasn't going to work with him. He ungracefully quit after yelling at me and the principal-- No. I was not attracted and I don't think he liked me very much either.

Anyway, girlfriend's plates got her the man. They eventually did marry. She's a wonderful singer and fundraiser for the church and was on the mike often. She demured to him, testified all the time how great he is as a husband but watched that brotha like a hawk--and the way he was shaking my hand and grinning--I guess I could see why. Whenever I'd hear her go through the litany of how great he was, I always thought of his contorted face as he screamed at me in front of the bus filled with students that day. I bet she'd seen that face too. My take is that brotha needed a little more "seasoning"--time to develop and learn how to communicate in a more effective way. He wouldn't be yelling at me like that. Not long. Women can be a little too eager... Trying to work the plan. I tell girls "liking" my sons this--if you come in 'workin' a plan' make sure it's one you're willing to keep workin' and know that the plan might work you, too... There has to be nothing worse than finding yourself in a bad situation that you "worked" to get into!

Love, love, love ~"stop 'trickin'for treats!'

Cheri

Rob said...

My man. This right here.
Sorry Chele but once someone crosses the crazy threshold, can she pull back? I don't know.
He can try and talk her down but if I were him, I'd beef up security around the Tired Household.

Myas-mom said...

"Stop tricking for treats", classic! That was funny!

But on a serious note, Tired Dude has already allowed too much to go on in this relationship. And sad to say, the bunny, or some other form of desperation, is lurking in the future should he ever try to leave her. I understand that he is nice, but you can't let someone ROB you of your personal space like that! She's in there now, and will not be leaving gracefully. She has skills, talking the landlord into doing something unlawful! Oh that's just the beginning! Talking, ultimatums, whatever he tries at this point is going to be seen as threatening to her. And the last thing you want to do is threaten a psychopath. "I think I'm going to need security!" (Chris Rock), is so true for Tired Dude should he ever decide to leave her. Depending on her resources, he may need to have his relocation already mapped out before he drops the bomb on her. This is really a sad story, for both of them. I hope it doesn't end tragically, please keep us posted, if he so inclines to keep you posted.

Wow, unlawful entry to clean and do laundry? Guess that's why I'm still single! LMAO!!!

diamond life said...

Not cook, clean and coochie her way to Mrs. status. Oh my God. That is a mess. Even messierbecause some people think this is doable and true. Great post.

Aisha said...

This post kinda reminds me of the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days" how the woman made herself so clingy and all in his life and he wanted to bail but couldn't because he was in on a bet, but this chick is her to a tee. I mean how really desperate can this culture make you where you "HAVE' to be a part of a duo and the only way you can do that is to become the "perfect" girl.
Which also reminds me of Coming to America where Prince Hakim asked the girl what did she like and she said "Whatever you like" she had been trained her whole life to be what HE needed and had none of her own opinions, it just seems like so much of our culture is teaching young women that this is the only way to hang on to a "good man"
this was a good post, and a great week of posting thanks for sharing these

Cassie said...

I saw this in a movie! (sort of) Thin Line between Love and Hate... didn't end so well for clingy crazy chick. The most telling thing here is where he talks about "the her she was before her crazy alter ego took over" -makes you wonder what triggered the crazy and if crazy can get stuffed back in the closet now?

And he should honestly think if he even feels the same way about her since this happened. In my opinion, if he still feels strongly about her she should get one window to do better and if she can'the should go. (And by that I mean flee)

Deb B said...

On my goodness, I have been these, done that and working on writing the movie. Last guy I dated turned from Normal Guy to Stalker Guy almost over night. And it started innocently enough with the gifts and surprise visits to my job. He joined my church, my gym, starting using my dry cleaners. To the point where there was NO place to hide from the guy which I suppose is the entire point.

Orange Star Happy Hunting said...

A healthy respect of boundaries and personal space is necesary for ANY relationship to thrive.
I cannot deal with mofos trying to suffocate me, as I am an AIR sign, there is clearly some underlying issues with anyone doing this nutty sh*t, RELAX and let folk breathe.

FreeBlackMan said...

It's wrong that the only thing I'm curious about is what kind of sex tricks she pulled out that Tired Dude wants no part of? What could it be?!

Myas-mom said...

LMAO!!! You are wrong for that one FreeBlackMan! But I won't lie, I did kind of wonder myself. (Like is she puttin porno queens to shame or what?) LOL...Maybe he's just real conservative.

MidwestDominicana said...

Good post. Never understood why women go crazy over a man. Just do not get it. Anywhoo....I had to laugh at the reference to the bunny on the stove. That scene in Fatal Attraction was intense, let's just hope he doesn't have to off her in the bathtub!
Poor guy. All he wanted was someone to share with and now this heffa is scaring another "good guy" back into the woods. For shame.

JaymeC said...

Chele, you are exactly right - from psych/clinical point of view he should "talk her down", tell her what his plans for the future are and give her an opportunity to pull back. Now the truth of the matter is, he has to know that from now on when she really wants something from him, she'll revert back to this full court press. If he's fine with it, okay but from the sounds of his letter, it's a little much.

Sadly, the best thing to do if he's not deeply invested is cut and run.

Javalicious said...

I don't know why people think impersonating Saran Wrap is attractive. It is not. Please stop it.

GrownAzzMan said...

A fitting warap-up to RWNTDW! "Chill or check out." That about says it all. Sometimes the harder you hold on to something the more it slips away. "If a man is into you, he's into you. If he's not, hanging sparklers out of your vijayjay isn't going to help. NO, not even if you serve him a perfectly grilled steak first." This is hella true but why do I suddenly want to see the sparkler thing? Um thanx for that Chele. LOL

Myas-mom said...

A vijayjay with sparklers hangin out of it may be great to look at, but do you really want to go in there after that? I'm just sayin...that's one tough cookie! LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

BrendaKay51, I thought that too. Not too far from SCARY to STALKER too.

GrownAzzMan said...

FreeBlackMan FTW! You read my mind bro...LOL What does ol' girl know and could she possibly do an instructional video?

ASmith said...

Yeah, you did that, Chele. All she needs is some assurance that she'll be around for the long haul and that said haul involves marriage.

But, I'd make it SO clear that (provided this is the case) that has nothing to do with her going into super clingy mode and that everything would go so much smoother if she'd go back to who she was before she got pressed.

Homegirl is thinking to herself, "I'll be damned if I let this fine ass man go w/out putting my best foot forward..." and can you blame her? Ain't that what the blogs, and the news and the books are telling us we have to do? Lowkey, I'm tryna understand the issue (i'm just kidding guys...girlfriend is on a hundred thousand, trillion and it's not that serious).

She just needs to know, for real, that she's gonna get something outta all this and soon.

But I hope homeboy don't tell her that just to get her to stop, having no real intentions (and I don't mean "maybe, lemme thank on it" intentions) of giving her a ring and walking down that aisle.

SingLikeSassy said...

Nerp, cause I'm a woman and I was thinking the same thing...what kinda tricks she got?!

SingLikeSassy said...

OK, this makes me sad. For him and her. Whatever made her snap and go left, she ain't coming back. I think this is over. Now we have to hope dude can get out with all his limbs.

It makes me think of this Snoopy scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiEsHXJdqGw

Yvonne said...

I think that Tired Guy should run for the hills. If she's anxious about a commitment then she should be woman enough to have a conversation to discuss their future together. Her life is tangled around snaring him. I think that it's foolish to think that she'll let up with a ring. She'll then be pressed about having a baby, getting a house, etc. GF's got some insecurity/control issues she needs to deal with k-solo.

SingLikeSassy said...

Another question, when is she working if she's dropping off biscuits and driving miles and miles to show up with four course meals and whatnot?

superwoman said...

ok, i'm dragging myself up from off the floor having rolled down there after reading the following...

He actually said, "I need us to share every thought and deed." Yeah, um - I needed space. It ended badly

Chele - i thought I was a freak magnet.... you truly take the cake!!!

and this...
Brandy stood in the driveway screaming, "You'll be back jocking as soon as I'm fine again. You'll be back!"
That threw me. (heh heh, you are the last word in understatement, OneChele - it 'threw' you, eh? bua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!" )

but seriously.....WHY would you do this to yourself, ESPECIALLY in light of the fact that there are cameras trained on you, broadcasting your entire craziness internationally!! Jesu Cristo, people are mad!!!

Karen Caffee said...

Before TD breaks it to DTM, he'd better reacquaint his landlord with the terms of his lease/agreement as to who lives there and who doesn't (if he's allowed the landlord to let her in before like that, boo on him). She didn't "just" get clingy at the 12-month mark; TD was either nod-walking through her growing fixation or he's now deciding that she's a little too creepy with the 24/7/365. He needs to put the brakes on their current status quick and establish boundaries if he's really intent on going further with her. And if he's not, he'd better remember as he exits that every shut eye ain't sleep, and every goodbye ain't gone (from Itabari Njeri's autobiography).

HauteLikeMe said...

You know as off the wall as this week's BougieTales were, I get why you chose the ones you did. They will stick with people and if they see even signs of something heading this directions, they'll know to get our while the getting is good.

Whew, this dude right here though...

Kandia said...

Sounds like she's either scared of losing him or trying to prove that she's wifey material.

Maybe if he let her know his plans for the future; ie whether he sees a future with her in it maybe she'll calm down. If she keeps that up she's gonna run him off for good.

Nadette@Eat, Read, Rant! said...

i got nothing because you said it all far more eloquently than my tired mind could manage to put together. Ol' girl is pressed. And if she's scaring the shiggity out of me, than Tired Dude is probably looking over his shoulder every 10 minutes. Not a good look. I think he needs to be really firm with her, see her reaction, and decide from there. If she goes all Glenn Close on him, he needs to run, far FAR away. Sometimes, people are really good at hiding their crazy. He needs to see just how deep this crazy runs...I'm just sayin'

Hidi said...

Tired Dude,

Run as fast as you can. Your lady reminds me of Anne Wilkes from the Misery movie; I know she was an obsessed fan but I think your girl is an obsessed lover.

Don't want to you to be the victim on Snapped!

Hidi

OneChele said...

Points for Peanuts!

OneChele said...

More like compress into a book and sell. I'm all about the hustle. :-)

OneChele said...

I was thinking she is spending a lot of time. Is stalking a full-time job?

OneChele said...

Like someone said earlier in the week - I wouldn't want to date him next.

OneChele said...

Excellent question!

Rosey said...

Have a serious discussion with her. I agree that she definitely wants that ring and is making every effort to show you what a super woman she is, but she needs to BREATHE. Sounds like she has bought into this whole idea that a woman has to go far and beyond (in every department) to keep her man from leaving her for another woman. If you love her, tell her she doesn't need to be this way.

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