Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Not so random thought: Did he say “Baby, it’s just sex”?

Okay, let me put it in context. One of my college youth that I call myself mentoring called me all bamboozled and halfway hoodwinked by the shiggity her boyfriend was throwing at her. They had been together since high school and now in the summer between their freshman and sophomore years, he got caught cheating. Caught in the act by her. Why fellas don't cheat somewhere their S.O.'s aren't likely to walk right in and find them? I don't know, maybe they want to get caught? Anywho… he tried to break off a Jedi mind trick by dropping that old Eddie Murphy line (link is to YouTube. Video is NSFW, Language & Mature Subject Matter) on her: "I [effed] her, I make love to you." When that didn't work he said, "Baby, it's just sex. It has nothing to do with you and me."

{strategic pause}

By the time he finished telling her that what they had was "an epic love sure to stand the test of time" if only she would stop letting "an afternoon's recreational activity" mean more than it really did; she wasn't sure what had happened. Was he wrong for cheating or was she wrong for getting upset about it? Yep, that's what she asked me. Should she apologize to him for being angry that she caught him doing naked insertion aerobics with some random chick?

I'm going to pause again and let that sink in for you.

Okay, moving on… Thankfully, no man of my acquaintance has been silly enough to utter these words in my direction. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty positive my head would spin four or five times around like that Exorcist chick's prior to simply exploding into vapor. I can hear it now:

"What happened to Chele?"
"Her man said it was just sex, nothing for her to get upset about."
"Oh no. Spontaneous head combustion. Bad way to go."
"She'll want to be buried in purple silk."
"May she rest in peace." 

I'm not knocking sex for sex' sake… wave your freak flag high if you are free to do so. Get your groovy, swervy smash on. And okay for some people sex is just sex; I hear tell some folks view the swap and exchanging of pheromone-laden body parts and fluids as no more than a "Hello, how are you today." Good for them. But shouldn't one make sure their current Significant Other is on the same page before that happens? These two most assuredly did not have an "open" relationship. And I cannot help but wonder what he would have said if the situation was reversed?

Ladies, some fellas are slick and some just have to try. They will run that game on you if you let them. Here is an intelligent if somewhat socially naïve girl of twenty years of age. National Merit Scholar, at an Ivy League school majoring in Pre-Med/Microbiology. And this ninja has her questioning who's right and who's wrong. When she called me, she was thinking about asking HIM to forgive HER. THE HELL?

Now I'm not saying women shouldn't forgive men who cheat. I've never been able to do to it but many of ya'll probably think further outside the box than I can. But ya'll already know what I told her. Oh, I have to shout out @CarolynEdgar who had me rolling yesterday relating the story of a man who said if he wasn't laying down, it wasn't cheating. Yes, you read that right. Old boy said since he was standing up, it was nothing for his wife to worry about. I can't strategically pause any more, we'll be here all day.

You know I could go in for twelve more lengthy, ranty paragraphs on this one. But I'm going to turn it over to you. What say you? Fellas? Ladies? I'm not even going to lead you with my questions today. I wanna see what you're bringing on this one. "It's just sex"… Thoughts, comments, insights, similar experiences? The floor is yours…

45 comments:

ASmith said...

#swindle.

I think if there's one place men have the game on lock, it's the #swindle. While women may cheat better, men get caught better. Period. I mean, you get caught red handed but STILL make it my fault? O_O. On that tip, I can't knock it.

But dammit, women, can we please stop falling for the b.s. It doesn't even make sense. I wish I could learn this jedi mind trick, cause I got some folks I sho' would use it on.

The only people sex gets to just be sex for are single folks. If you're in a committed relationship, sans an agreement with your significant other that outside naked insertion aerobics (still cracking up) is ok, then sex is never just sex. You have another person's feelings to consider, son!

SMH. Can we stop it with the #swindles, America? Can we? *cue SWV*

Shondriette D Kelley said...

This made me so sad! How is it that love (or the illusion of it) can make people so stupid?? I'm glad that you set your mentee straight and I sincerely hope she follows your advice.

I understand that sex can just be casual and cheap entertainment but to use the "it's just sex" argument while you're in an exclusive & monogamous relationship is asinine/ludicrous/incomprehensible/galling/every other word you can think of for crazy and/or disrespectful.

Newbie99 said...

There's not much left to say...I am still in shock. Did you slap some sense into her (via the phone).

Newbie99 said...

I don't know if they are better with the mind tricks, I think they know who they can pull it off on.

Beentheredoneittwice said...

NO MA'AM! There are times in life when some things can be left up to interpretation. This foolishness right here is NOT one of them! Your mentee caught him dead to rights and he ALMOST convinced this poor child to apologize to him??! Yeah, he's a snake oil hustler for sure! This is probably her first major heartbreak and while it is sad, life will go on. She has too much going on for herself to get bogged down in his mayhem. She is entitled to her feelings, but the truth of the matter is, she is far too young to start this cycle of carrying-on. Once she makes up her mind to trust her FIRST INSTINCT, she will be able to forge ahead and not look back.
#notlotswife

SBChitownChick said...

Aw but Hell to the Nizzie! I can't even type this... I feel my head about to go on full swivel.

FreeBlackMan said...

Let me have one second to applaud old boy on the size of his cajones. Dude damn near pulled that one off. Jedi mind trick indeed to tell a woman she didn't see exactly what she saw and make her apologize to him. I'm sorry that's legendary, record book type of Man Game.

His mistake was trying it on brainy chick. You gotta run that game on women further down the food chain.

baileyqc said...

This why this blog rocks. Title piques interest, picture pulls you in, post delivers! I hope to hell you told her to cut and run.

Cassie said...

I wouldn't automatically break off my relationship because he cheated but I would have for the way he handled it. Don't try and mind f*** me because you screwed up. Just own up to it and let's see what's worth saving.

Liselle said...

This that old bullshiggity. I want to do like Tisha Campbell in Boomerang and hang a sign out the window "Don't fall for it, girl!"

Rob said...

Even I can't ride with you on this one. Young buck was shady, got caught and tried to put it on her. If he wants to screw around, he should cut the girlfriend. These basic rules 101.

As for no harm done... you want to date her next?

Dr. Peppa said...

At the risk of getting cyberbeatdown... it wasn't that bad. He's twenty. Twenty year old men hit what they can. If he was 30 and they were married, okay I see the outrage. She's young, she'll bounce back. No harm done.

She's Savvy said...

I find it quite sad that your mentee even asked you if she should ask him to forgive her. WTH? What would even lead her to think it was her fault? The whole having sex v. making love cop out is BS. Whatever you want to call it, it's an intimate act that occurs between two people and it should not be taken lightly. I hope your mentee runs far away from this guy and gains enough self esteem to realize what happened is not her fault. I'm sure you'll guide her in the right direction.

Socialitedreams said...

bwahahahahahaha.....women actually FALL for that? please tell me she's not that simple minded. I would have turned around and said "whew, good to know then! I thought it was going to be REALLY hard to tell you that I was having wild random, meaningless sex with Colin from Economics....good to know you're fine with it!"

http://socialitedreams.wordpress.com/

datdudeincali said...

First question - "Naked Insertion Aerobics?" - Where do you find these?
Second - "Purple Silk" - Seriously? BWAHAHA!
Thrid - Has this lame assed line ever worked for anyone?

MochaMuffin said...

Further down the food chain?! Really Bruh?

diamond life said...

That is very evolved of you. I wish a ninja would. Cheat and you're cut. Lie and you're cut. Play games and you're cut. I'm at zero tolerance fro shiggity.

AIsha said...

He says: "Its just sex"
I respond" Its just a 12 gauge shotgun, nothing for you to worry about"

i feel bad for her, him trying to flip it is just crazy, i would have slapped him silly

Andrea M said...

In the end though, he really effed up. He just had to act right and in a few years time he's married to a doctor that loves him for him and knew him when. Now he has to measure every woman he meets against the one he lost.

bluassassin said...

This is classic low self-esteem on her part. Had she walked into that room with the knowledge that she is a Queen and deserves nothing but the best from everyone, this story might have been "Man Gets the Sh*% Beat Out of Him by College Girlfriend." My recommendation for her is to start with some daily affirmations that will improve her views on what she deserves in life.

Now for ol dude? It's apparent that he's not that bright. Cheating on your SO in a place likely to be caught is about as dumb as they come. Forgiveness and cheating should only be in the same sentence if you're married. Dating couples should cut their losses and keep it moving.

peter parker said...

at first, i was kinda like how Chris Rock was...

"I don't approve of it...but i understaaand"


but after thinking it over...it would have been better to be upfront w/ this and let her decide if she wanted to deal with a guy who could do the deed without it meaning anything...so she could bounce and let him do her thing..
if that makes sense...


oh..and before i go...

*Ivy League What What!!!*

*throws up nerd signs*

Refinedfusion said...

forgive my language if you must, but there is no polite way to say this: if it's just "sex", then this ass beating is just a love tap.

end.

GDB said...

They're undergrad, right...not even upperclassmen, right?

AppleBerryMIA said...

I'm sure you're not implying that makes it okay?

Mr. Skyywalker said...

I don't. And I especially don't want to date her if she meets two or three guys like that in a row. My boy is good for that though, he's like the Bitter Black Chick Whisperer.

JaymeC said...

Girl, teach one, reach one. Pass it on.

OneChele said...

The "Bitter Black Chick Whisperer"? I feel some kinda way about that one.

Karen Caffee said...

I hope she kept walking and got tested if they were in an "unprotected relationship".

GrownAzzMan said...

Everybody already said everything. All I can do is shake my head...

blackprofessor said...

So sad! Chele, can you do a post for the fellas on cheating? If you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship, dont!! Find a woman who is down with an open relationship or swinging (they exist) or just stay single and have random jump-offs!

Why get into something that you know you can't uphold and put another person at risk for STDs?

Melzie said...

Unfortunately, I think we all experienced at least one eye-opening relationship quandry in our early 20s whether we admit (or remember :-/) it or not. I'm not sure why she feels the need to apologize but I'd probably use it as opp to school her on a few things like I do when my niece goes through stuff. She may not learn the lesson immediately but planting the seed will (hopefully) grow into wisdom.

JaymeC said what I thought when I read the post this morning...lol

The_A said...

I don't know about you but I'm mad and ashamed at myself for laughing at such a tragic term.

It feels like seeing a pedestrian get hit by a car in a crosswalk & giggling.

sunt97 said...

In some cases it is just sex and nothing more. No emotional attachments, and everyone can go their merry way and move on if they weren't in anyway love struck. As for a man just telling his S.O. that it is just sex I have a huge problem with it. If you aren't SINGLE then sticking and poking another chick is a no no, unless you and ol' gal have an understanding. This goes for the chickadees too. There is no fine lie there is only crossing the line. As for single people being promiscuous, if that's how you wanna be then so your thing, just make sure you keep your condoms at arms length.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

maureen palmer said...

Maya Angelou says "when people show you who they are, believe them." I say keep cut him loose & keep it moving

YardieChicie said...

*is flabbergasted* She's a walking embodiment of what my mother said to me this morning: "Some people are book-smart, but don't have any common sense". She's painfully naive, and I hope an unplanned pregnancy and/or assorted infections or diseases don't serve as her wake-up call.

Back to the "It's just sex" excuse - Provided that I wasn't too shell-shocked from what I walked in on, I'd be asking, "Oh, so can I call your best friend over and make this an orgy? You know, since it's just sex and all?" See how fast that message changes.

Dash said...

You gotta be kidding me dude. "worth saving" left the building when he cheated and thought she was stupid enough to fall for his tricks. He did own up to it and rationalized his behavior... those are grounds for insanity. I really can't chalk it up to age at all either because I see older women falling for the foolishness. I am glad this girl has a mentor to wisen her up. It is NOT a good look at ANY age to be anybody's dummy. I'm 23 and not one second in my life would I listen to a word coming from this boy's mouth after the initial response. A quiet exit would do. There is nothing more to say.

EMD 87 said...

Love tap? LMAO!!!

EMD 87 said...

Love the title of that story! LOL!!!

EMD 87 said...

Thank you Rob. No harm done? It's that innocent love that hurts the most because you don't have a clue that it can be that cruel. And I love your question, "...you want to date her next?"

Shahlex said...

He sounds like a manipulative abuser and I bet he does other things than "just sex". He will continue to be drawn to women with low self esteem so that he can pull these tricks over on them. From the outside it looks very apparent that he was talking crap but if you are the one in it, these dudes can talk some slick stuff and have your head spinning about anything. I am glad that this young lady asked when she was in doubt. We can always learn to avoid these situations and improve our self image if we are not ashamed to ask for help.

Kandia said...

Some men kill me wanting US to accept things that they would NEVER accept. She should have responded "oh ok, then you don't have any problem that I had sex with that cute dude in my Biology class, it was just sex it didn't mean anything to me anyway".

Bless her heart, some of these lil dudes will have these girls apologizing like they are the ones in the wrong.

GDB said...

When you're that young, monogamy is virtually impossible to pull off. He did run some ole b.s. but it will not be the last time she deals with 'cheating'. Her best bet is to not get tied down or caught up on someone's program.

Max said...

Nah. I beg to differ. I've been with my husband since undergrad and monogamy wasn't hard at all. Just sayin.

Max said...

I'm glad she has you as a mentor because oh man. All I know is if I was presented with such a cock and bull (pun intended) response, I would've blacked out and woke up in handcuffs because somebody was getting beat til the white meat showed.

Pretty Primadonna said...

I agree...I laughed....and

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