Thursday, July 15, 2010

No Shiggity: Holier than Thou folks

"Listen sister, your Jesus may not be like mine!" These words were fired at me during a church lifegroup session where I innocently (okay maybe not so innocently) asked how one particular woman who was constantly smacking us around with her goodness and holiness reconciled lying to her friends and family for ten years about something fairly important. She said she was positive that Jesus forgave her and understood why she had to keep lying. Umm... I wondered if Jesus was that cool with repetitive sin for selfish reasons? And that's when I got screamed at. 
So most of you know, I love me some Jesus... but I don't pretend like I don't have quite the ways to go in my Christian walk. So while I will rep for JC on the regular, I tend not to beat folks upside the head with the Biblical Badgering. We all know some folks who call themselves Christian, stay up in the church house and still act any old kind of way. Check out this BougieTale: 

I met Brad through friends. We introduced ourselves through email and then the phone. Our first phone conversation was four and a half hours long. (For the record, that means nothing. Don't fall in love with the first phone call. Some folks, myself included, have mastered the art of giving good phone. Okay, here ends the PSA) It was our third phone conversation when he brought up his deeply conservative religious beliefs and how one of the reasons why a superb catch like him hadn't found a lifemate was because he could not find a women who had her Jesus game tight enough for him. 

He followed up that conversation by sending me a twelve page list of bible verses that he wanted me to "take into my spirit." Let me pause right here. Had I sounded so heathen that I needed someone sending me a booklet full of faith? Truth be told, I already knew half of his "cut-n-paste" verses and could have found the others if pressed. Dang! I sent him back a note telling him that I was already in a Bible Study but thanks. He sent back a note saying he wanted me to get to "his level." So at this point, I was starting to get a little irritated.

The following weekend he came up from Houston and we chatted some more over dinner. During the course of the meal, he dropped some other opinions (Michelle Obama wasn't attractive enough for Barack, Black people made too many excuses not to succeed, Condoleezza Rice's resume was not that impressive, Barack's cigarette smoking indicated that he was a deeply flawed human being?) that quite frankly left me stuttering and speechless. As you can imagine, I'm not often stuttering or speechless. 

So I did what I usually do when making a decision: Pros vs Cons. He was intelligent, good-looking, we had chemistry but on the downside he was preachy and pompous. I wondered how that would balance out. 

He went back to Houston and we kept talking on the phone over the course of the next few weeks. I noticed that he kept bringing up a number of "women friends" he had. Kept casually mentioning them "dropping by." One night after he asked me about my sex life and how I was scratching the itch (O__o), I asked about all the ladies. He said, "Oh, you found my Achilles' heel. I have to have sex often, it's my thing."

[strategic pause]

Hold up, Pope Poke-a-lot! All these women he had been mentioning were friends with benefits? And he was benefiting them all?! He admitted that he regularly rotated about 10 women [yes, you read TEN. Five times Two] and hoped I did not have a problem with it because that's what he needed until he got married again. Again? Now what now? And what about all the Jesus? What about your daily walk? He said (no joke exact quote), "It's my one flaw. But Jesus made me, he knows my spirit, he knows my heart. I have prayed for him to take this weakness away but this is my compromise." Uh-huh. 

"So you're looking for one woman who can satisfy you (replacing ten women) AND cook, clean, work, stay in shape, dress well, be politically active and get her 24/7 Jesus and charitable works on?" 

His response: "Is that a problem?"

I know now that my response should have been what Sister Girl told me: "Your Jesus ain't like mine." Suffice it to say, I shut that down. Not looking back.

Thoughts, comments, opinions? Know any SuperSinning Saints? The floor is yours.

38 comments:

bluassassin said...

*speechless*

No comment.

ASmith said...

I don't with holier than thous. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. Chief among my reasons is that they are usually the WORST with the hypocritical actions. And who are you to comment on what I'm doing anyway. There is a way to say everything and the holy rollers know they can find the most judgemental, pretentious voice in which to say everything that's critical. UGH they get on my nerves.

Now, homeboy in this story needs some real Jesus in his life, not just the kind that seems to only overlook his sins. And does he have to be doing three most with his "weakness"? Ugh people (especially dudes, I'm sorry I do have a double standard on this one, when it relates to potential relationships) get on my NERVES. Who are you to be all extra holy and have some secret super duper secret all the while acting like you and Jesus make plans for the future together every Thursday or something. Nah, son... nah.

BrendaKay51 said...

"Pope Poke-a-lot" Lord have mercy !!! I barely got up off the floor from laughing to be able to say I'm keeping this one in reserve. I just KNOW I'm going to have a chance to use this in the future!

sunt97 said...

Pope Poke-A-Lot, I am going to have to use this one. HiLarious. No one should think that we are Holier than Thou because of the fact we are all sinning on the daily basis

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

Shahlex said...

Let's just say it's the ones who are so holy & into your business who have the most raggedy stuff going on ... that dude reminds me of my ex & his "only weakness" which happened to be women and I, being his wife, should have understood how difficult it was for him to overcome that ... yeah, right ...

FreeBlackMan said...

Well... he was honest with hoedom (once pressed).
This is why I don't mess with the bible thumpin' types. If you are religious, I want to see it,not hear it. Biggest hypocrites in the world.

SBChitownChick said...

I think I know Brad... and he's a flaming asshole. Holy Fornication, Batman.

superwoman said...

okay, before i can respond, let me recover from hysterical laughter at these priceless gems...

- [yes, you read TEN. Five times Two]
- that's what he needed until he got married again. Again? Now what now?

bua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, chele you KILL me! but tell me, WHERE do you find these characters?? you have stories for days, i swear my fave posts are the ones you tell of experiences you have with these lunatic men!!

Foxy Brown said...

............................................................................... (flatline)

here lies the rev foxy brown. this truth set her all the way free. at least, you not the reverend. yall pray for me.

GrownAzzMan said...

I was doing fine and was only mildly stunned by the shiggity until I came to Pope-Poke-A-Lot! ROFLMBAO! After I sent this out on Facebook and twitter I can only say, OneChele done done it again!

OneChele said...

Peanut Butter and Jello?! I'm calling flag on the play for TMI!!!

Jason P said...

Wow, I knew a girl like this. Very, very pious but very, very skanky. It was confusing. You try not to judge but when someone is preaching at you and you've seen them slathered in peanut butter and jello, it's disconcerting.

Natashaw said...

You killed me...LMAO!...Pope..Poke-A-Lot!

BB Waite said...

The thing that gets me is that folks liek this turn people away from faith rather than bringing them to it. Asking you to adhere to a set of standards he isn't living by, memorize verses he clearly hasn't mined the meaning from and sitting in judgment the whole time? Ugh.

With disciples like these...

Deb B said...

I think we've all met Brad's bedhopping behinds, talking that talk with no walking the walk.

Hidi said...

I have cross paths with too many "holier than thou" folks. I do my best to stay away from these people. They forget their humans and do make mistakes. a many. hence, lady from chele's church group and Brad. AND WE ALL FALL SHORT of God's glory no matter how "perfect" our lives seem.

A note to the lady: Last time I check, there is ONLY ONE JESUS, so who are you talking about??? What other Jesus is there? I think you are confuse and used Jesus to justify your wrong doing, which is down right direspectful. Period.

Eye Candy said...

People kill me when they try and twist and turn religion. Every religion has a basic set of principles that are pretty black and white across the board. Each also gives the opportunity to repent, ask forgiveness and try to do better. No organized religion I've ever studied says it's okay to only follow the commandments that work for you. That's shady on so many levels. People forget that in the eyes of the divine all sin is equal. If you're sleeping with 10 people, might as well kill 10 too - you're going to have to answer for it all. One day. Okay, I'm off the rant. Sorry. This gets me going.

Hidi said...

"People forget that in the eyes of the divine all sin is equal."- So true and Amen to that.

Crystal said...

First, my little disclaimer: I was not "raised in the church" meaning I did not go every Sunday, though my parents did and I am more spiritual than religious. Having said that, it is such a surprise to me when people who call themselves Christian don't act Christ like, i.e. not judge. Yes, Jesus knows old dudes spirit and has given sister girl forgiveness, but God also gave all of us free will and authority over our lives and taught us how to live by being our example. Me thinks Jesus would not be the judgmental type, even in today's modern world.

Crystal said...

Side note, Brad actually reminded me of a guy I dated in college. This guy, lets call him Frank was a bible carrying, singing in the church choir every Sunday and Wednesday, always highlighting and annotating the holy word kind of guy. He was also a man-whore (something I did not know until two years later)!!!! Maybe he is Pope Poke-a-lot's cousin. Anyway, Frank was really into the holy word and also into the ladies(figuratively and literally!!!) However, unlike Brad, Frank became an Atheist instead of trying to justify his sin. When I asked him why he does not believe in God anymore he said "I got tired of feeling bad about myself". Well, at least he is not judgmental!!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

Penut butter and jello, what, were you out of honey? LOL

SingLikeSassy said...

PB and J?! Bwaaahaaaa!

miss kate said...

...and worst of all, Brad will perpetually be able to keep a FLOCK of chicks, because he's "a good churchgoing Christian man". le sigh.

Troy said...

Wait, wait, wait... that's J-E-L-L-O? or Jelly? Cuz I clearly need to step my freak game up. We talking gelatin or pudding?

Jason P said...

Yeah son, you start with a plastic drop cloth from Home Depot, then mix up a big bowl of the chocolate pudding jello. You know what? Before Chele boots me outta here, I'll email you.

Alinda Is all said...

I think I met his brother today Deacon Do Right lol

OneChele said...

See how you checked yourself right there... excellence. LMAO

OneChele said...

Was he with his cousin Reverend Ratchet?

Javalicious said...

Everybody too bougie to go traditional Hershey's Chocolate Syrup?

Javalicious said...

"Jesus made me, he knows my spirit, he knows my heart." If that isn't the most overused excuse for blatant refusal to do right... SMH
When they know damn good and well that Jesus ain't said nothing about running through hot and cold rotating women

All Honey said...

And don't you know that is EXACTLY what the churchfolk are saying: Brad is a good man, he's here every Sunday.

Kendra Adjia said...

Trust, if Brad's got the same church ladies most of us grew up with, they know about all 10 of his ladies.

maureen palmer said...

Please say it ain't so. It's funny how I know the Lord better than u folks have reasons (bible verses citation ) to justify their bullcrap.
This line is doing extra for my catholic self: "Pope Poke-a-lot" LOL!

keishabrown said...

occasional poster here.
i know someone this fit EXACTLY.
she is of the faith in which women can't wear pants. so she wears skirts year round. (i live in toronto..it gets cold). but the kind of skirts she wears, kinda defeats the whole modesty thing.
fine.
i know that things happen, so i dont care that she had a child out of wedlock (but from what she tells me, her church suurrrre did).

the thing that kills me is the trolling on sites like blacksexfinder for booty calls and sleeping with MARRIED MEN..then in the next breath complaining that she can't find a husband/man and telling me im naive (and stupid) for dating long distance because men can't be trusted...

um. yeah. there's a reason why she's a friend in law.

Melzie said...

As someone who has gotten into a battle of the scriptures with a guy soliciting money for a "church" at a major intersection near my house, I tend to think we're on the same page. I'll be honest, my first couple of years in this walk were life-changing and eye-opening. I realized that putting anything other than the label of human on folks only leads to disappointment. I'm always leery of those who point fingers, tell you what God told them to tell you and say things that are obviously the opposite of the life they live.

Pope Poke-a-lot...hilarious!

MissChris said...

Wow.... I think people really need to define the term Christian... I thought that somewhere in there you supposed to follow the teachings of Christ... smh.

brownstocking said...

I am dying LOL and had to read parts to Momstocking.... reminds me of a reformed man-ho who is now a junior deacon, still sleeping with a couple of women, who think he's going to marry them... SMH

Nadette@Eat, Read, Rant! said...

there is just too much ratchedassness going on in this bougie tale! My head was already spinning, shootin the side eye at the computer monitor after the "Jesus game tight enough" sentence. I really hope you broke him off a piece of the bougie mind, cuz this dude is a hot shiggity mess!

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