Monday, July 12, 2010

Fashion Felonies for the Fellas - Summer Edition


Gents, I have not forgotten about you… no sir. You were all giddy and happy over #SundressMonth so I just let ya’ll enjoy that. But now, it’s time for some of you to get your brethren. Literally, go snatch them up in the streets and ask them what the hell they are thinking. Summer is no excuse for flagrant foolery in the wardrobe department. We have just skated past another BBQ holiday and it’s time to pull your coattails… literally.

Some of you know better, some of you clearly do not give a damn but I beg of you... Read this and pass it along to a friend (or two). It’s America the Beautiful, not America the Brokedown. I'm not even going in on the 5x white tee with denim shorts. Unless your name is Pookie and you're standing on the corner, I don't know what to tell you but - what are you doing with your life? 

I’m going to assume you recognize that your clothes should fit. Let’s start with the basics. (By the way, you can click the pictures to see the full-size view.)

Fit – Read Esquire, GQ or my blog cousin The Gentlemen's Standard on how to match clothes to your body. Just like you don't want women looking like sausage trying to fight its way out of the casing... um, back at cha. And that oversized look ain't for everybody. 

As far as pants go: Pleats add volume, if you are slim this is a good look otherwise go flat-front. Skinny jeans look good on no man. Stop trying. One of my favorites quotes: "The sexiest thing a man can wear is a nice pair of jeans. Nothing too light, and they shouldn't be too tight or too loose. The only men who've managed to pull off tight jeans are Elvis and Tom Selleck, and everyone else should let go of that dream."
Relaxed/loose fit can look baggy on slim guys, low rise are for the young and slender, slim-fit really depend on the cut. No acid wash. If you don’t like a dark wash (what’s WRONG with you) get a medium rinse. You age yourself with the color of your jeans. Black is always a winner. The key to mens’ jeans (and I cannot emphasize this enough) is butt, length, waistline. In that order. The perfect pair of jeans make your butt look taut, your legs look long and waistline (true waistline, not where you heft it up or drop it down with a belt) look proportionate to your chest and hips. Get in the mirror with someone who will tell you the truth and figure it out. Straight-leg, bootcut, mid-rise, button fly – I know it’s confusing but so worth the effort when you get it right.

Drawers – Boxers or briefs? Do you. But this is undies done right.

This is undies done wrong.

Pull your pants up unless you’re taking them off for a good reason. You feel me? Okay.

What is wrong with that picture? The wifebeater + the gym shoes (without socks!) that cost more than the car they are fixing. Think on it people.

Linens & Silks – Great summer fabrics. But they both wrinkle and have to be done right.

But at no time should it look like a jungle is growing on your chest. Correction: If you are in Hawaii or Mexico or hosting a Tahitian Cocktail party, you're all clear otherwise flora and fauna linen is not your friend.

Sheer shirts. I like Mario but hell to the no. That's awful. Not sexy... awful.

Capri Pants. No. Sir. I don't care if Ashton wore them. He's wrong too. Oh and the mandals? I'd rather you didn't. But if you must, fellas - one word: Lotion. Okay one more: Hydrate.

V-neck: Stop it. Please. This means you too, Tyson. Just heckie no.

All plaid joints. Why? Sorry Big Willie but that's awful. And hat matching dude? Ugh.

Coordinated sets. You are not five years old. The Garanimal look is no longer cute. The father from Boomerang called, he wants his "co-ord-in-ates" back.


Pimp suits. Your suits should not come in fruit or sherbet flavors. Cranberry? Lime? Orange? Blueberry? No. Unless your name is Velvet Jones or Steve Harvey, there's no reason to own these. Let alone rock them.

Overbranding. Are they paying you? Then no. One logo per outfit please.

Short suits. Are you dressed up or casual? I. Do. Not. Understand.

All Denim joints. Once known as the Texas Tuxedo (we in Texas are not amused), this is doing too much. I know, I know. It's Ye and he is frequently doing too much but this looks like he found a sale at the Levi Strauss outlet. Buy one, get two free.

Lace up shirts? That’s a lifestyle choice. NTTAWWT*, just know what your shirt is saying about you.

I could go on but I feel this is plenty to start with. Oh let me just add this as a final thought.
Tube tops for men... did you see my statement about lifestyle above? Copy and paste here.

Thank you for your time and attention. I feel confident that I can speak for the women of the world when I say Teach One, Reach One and Pay It Forward. Please review your wardrobes and correct your infractions post haste. Appreciate it! Can anyone think of something I've left out? Any thoughts, comments, horror stories to share?

*NTTAWWT = Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

23 comments:

ConvertingMe said...

I wish this had came out before Essence Music Fest because the amount of sherbet flavored (orange, peach, tangerine, apricot, salmon, cherry, limeade, pomegranate, blueberry and two dozen 'flavors' ) suits worn by the Mississippi Mass Pimp Brigade was enough to have the repaid the national debt in fashion ticket fines alone...

MidWestDominicana said...

Eh...while I agree on some of the things...I think a well toned man can pull off a V-neck tee shirt. Tyson is doing it justice! As for men who wear sandals/flip flops...they can definitely do it if they take the time to trim and lotion up. If their feet look like they're wearing socks made out of rocks, steel wool and hate (thanks Bozack Jenkins), then uhhh....no. Get a pedi and try again!!!

ASmith said...

"Short suits. Are you dressed up or casual? I. Do. Not. Understand."

*DEAD*

Oh and Tube tops for men?!? Chele, I trust you but I had to google that to be sure... WHAT IN THE WORLD?!

I don't know when men are going to learn to STOP with the damn socks in the sandals. PLEASE cut that mess out. It is not cute. Just put on some boat shoes if your toes are that ridic.

Anyway, I'm no fashionista, so honestly, I'll put up with a lot of fashion faux pas, but one I cannot with is men in capris. I mean, really? Just put on some damn shorts. Hell.

michaeldavis said...

Just say no to uncollared v-neck shirts as shown above. Also: Make sure that your undershirt matches your style of shirt. This means no crew neck (t-shirts) style undershirts with open-collared shirts.

Also, have a group of platonic lady friends and bounce fashion ideas off of them. It prevents embarrassing oneself in public.

BrendaKay51 said...

Howling with laughter at the "mass pimp brigade" comment. Simply priceless.

rozb said...

I am over here almost in tears trying to keep from laughing out loud in the office! I co-sign on everything - including the sherbet-colored suits with matching hats and Gators. J Anthony Brown and Steve Harvey can keep the Rainbow Coalition of suiting. I wonder if it's a southern thing - they love their neon zoot suits down here (Virginia and all points south of the Mason-Dixon line).

If a man is going to wear sandals, he should at least make sure his feet don't look like he could stomp out forest fires and walk over burning coals. As that well-known philosopher Shock G. (of Digital Underground fame) once said: "If you wear corrective shoes and got big bunions, toenails smell and look like onions, don't do whatchalike - go see a foot doctor tonight!" Don't know why that popped into my head...

This is a public service and I thank you, Chele!

rozb said...

A man in a tube top is a man without a country. Even a very flamboyant gay man will shun the tube top.

michaeldavis said...

Question: with the assortment of dudes wearing bright 18 1/2 button suits and matching gators, WHO are these women that love them?

KG said...

LMAO!!

Tube tops for men??!! Lawd have mercy.

I understand you're giving Steve Harvey a free pass with those neon-colored suits but hot damn are they nasty. They don't look right on anyone...lol.

I don't mind men wearing sandals/mandals. But like you and others said, the key is to hydrate those things called the legs, feet and toes.

Liselle said...

Bwahaha @ "Lifestyle Choice" clothing. OMG, that is so true. I think you could add the sheer shirt to that category.

JaymeC said...

LOL at Uncle Velvet! How can we broadcast this to the masses? That short suit is a hot mess.

Shawn Smith said...

I saw three male fouls and one blatant female foul at the park yesterday.

Male foul one: Fake black Fendi bowl hat, white tank undershirt, denim shorts, white calf socks, and some busted Timbs.

Male foul two: Pink polo shirt with the collar popped.

Male foul three: While at the public park sitting riverside with his woman one male had on some black basket ball shorts and nothing else. This wasn't the beach.

Bonus female foul: Pink polo dress shirt. Looked cute on her, but, she was petite with no real hips. Her twisted of center white thong was visible for everyone to see.

baileyqc said...

Can we get some sort of BougieFashion Fail tickets to pass out?

Rob said...

"Overbranding" - it must be stopped. Also men in white patent leather shoes...

sunt97 said...

I agree with everythnig you have said here. I can't stand meeting someone who is 30+ and still thinks it is ok to have his pants saggy showing his dingy, raggedy, faded drawers. Other than a nice suit nothing should be making like a leisure suit an your other suits shouldn't be colors I want to paint my nails, though I know that there are some women that actually color coordinate with their boos suit. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

David Chase said...

WHERE did you find this pictures?! This is beyond tur-bull.

Steve said...

Let's talk about the fellas who rock the muscle shirts with no muscles. Or the grown and sexy uniform of all white linen from head to toe? I noticed you did not mention swimsuits - that's probably a whole other post, huh?

bougiesis said...

Hilarity! I think Tyson looks good but everyone can't do the v-neck. Not sure Steve Harvey should get a pass, if he can do it others will think it is okay. Clearly there are many that need to step up their clothing game!

Rozboy said...

Those white shoes are called tic tac shoes. Worn by those who must "co-orrr-dinate".

Jasmin said...

Haha this cracked me up.

I hate guys with saggy pants, especially the one that are positioned just so to cup the behind. My mom calls those guys "booty boys", a terms she got out of one of those 90s "down-low" books.

YardieChicie said...

I have always referred to V-neck men's shirts as blouses. Most of the time, the men in them are wearing a size too small and a cut too low.

Pimp suits are only for costume parties. The saggy pants ass-out look only works for babies, and even their their pants would be getting a side-eye.

Screw a NTTAWWT - those 'shirts' don't look right! Look at the models' faces! You can hear them chanting, "Just walk. You're getting paid. Just walk. You're getting paid".

EMD said...

You are trying to make me lose my job! I am tryin so hard not to bust out laughin at your comment amount Essence Festival and the Mississippi Mass Pimp Brigade. LMFAO ROTF!!!

Glen Antoine Palmer said...

Tube tops for gentlemen? Never in my life have I seen anything like it. Straight clowns. For the summer, I am strictly linen, seersucker, and light cotton. Boat shoes or loafers on the feet. I must admit, I snatched up a floral sport shirt for a trip to Mexico. I only break that out for tropical themed occasions. And thanks for the mention too!

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