So… Derrick (formerly known as New Dude) and I were having a conversation the other day. He was in his home office on his speakerphone and I was running around like a crazy person picking up stuff for the remodel of the guest room (whole other post people). The point is, we got around to talking about our plans for the Fourth of July weekend. I indicated that BougieSis was coming into town and it was BougieMom's birthday so I had a few family things to do. He said he was heading to San Diego for a golf weekend with his boys.
Then he paused and said, "Are you cool with that?"
I paused because my first thought was, "Why wouldn't I be?" I was surprised he phrased it like that and I wondered how much I was allowed to ask. I used to be the lone girl invited along to boys' weekend and what I saw wasn't pretty. The wives and girlfriends left at home would not have been amused to see what I saw. So I wondered – what kind of boys' weekend was it? Who was invited? Was there anything I needed to be worrying about? But again, we're brand new so I'm not sure what to ask and how to phrase it without it coming across as a demand for a definition of our relationship… if we're even ready to call it that.
But before I could decide what to ask, I heard his friend Vince say, "Bruh – are you asking her permission? She's got you on lock like that? You are whip-" Derrick pushed the mute button. Le Deep Sigh. Vince, who lost his girlfriend because he wanted to search for something better, was chock full of commentary. Can I pause for a second and say I'm already not feeling the Vin-Man? Okay… moving on.
"Hello?" I said into the phone.
"Sorry about that." I heard a door being slammed in the background. Apparently, he put Vince out.
"No problem."
"Listen. I was just making sure you didn't have something else planned for us over the holiday weekend."
"Okay, no – I didn't plan ahead."
"Okay, well I'm heading out Thursday and I'll be back on Monday, can I see you when I get back?"
"Sure."
"And feel free to call me if you want to, anytime. I mean anytime. Don't worry about the hour."
I laughed, "I will do that."
He laughed, "Please do."
"You do the same."
"I don't want to interrupt your family weekend or any other plans you might have."
Ooo-kay. "I don't have any other plans until you get back. I'll be chilling with fam."
"Well alright then. Talk to you later." He hung up.
Two minutes later he called back, "In case I'm not being clear – I'm not seeing anyone else. Not planning on it, okay?"
I laughed again, "I got it and ditto."
"You know I think we're on the same page but I had to assume you heard what I was saying. Unfortunately I've been in a relationship where I swore I said the sky is blue and the person heard me say grey."
"And I've been in relationship where I swore I heard grey and they thought they said blue."
"So it's a blue sky."
"Clear and blue."
He quoted a movie we watched the other night (I can't remember what it was). "Good talk."
"Good talk."
After I hung up, I got to thinking. What a difference phrasing makes. The difference between "Boys' weekend, see you when I get back" and what I heard was huge. The difference between me saying "Why do you think I have other plans?" and what I said was huge. And I wondered if this isn't what mature relationships are supposed to be about. Not just communicating but finding the most effective way to communicate to get a point across. It was a light bulb moment. Everyone always says "Communication is the key" but perhaps we'd be better served saying "Effective communication is the key." Otherwise we're just talking and nothing is being said.
Just my random thoughts, what say you? Have you had instances where you thought you got your point across only to find that the main idea was completely missed? Is effective communication the single most important key to successful relationships? Business, personal, familial? The floor is yours.
27 comments:
Oh Vince... as we've discussed here before, every guy has that one friend...
Meanwhile, I really like where your head is on this topic and it's a great point. I really like that Derrick called back to be sure he was clear. Man oh man, I like a person who believes in being clear.
Effective communication is the key to everything. I can't think of a situation where not being clear is more helpful than being clear (well, maybe in some workplace situations, but such cases would most likely involve some subversive behavior anyway)
Go 'head, y'all! Isn't it wonderful to be in a relationship with a grown-up?
I'm with ASmith...Vince is, how do you say, no bueno. He needs an intervention.
Yeah everybody has that one a-hole friend that you wish would disappear. Glad things seem to be working out for you.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Another plus for Derrick. He continues to impress. You can tell he has had his share of relationship troubles and has actually thought things out. And in some respects, not that you wish anybody pain, but there is an advantage to somebody who has experience and has learned from it. Vince seems like nothing but trouble, but here again Derrick did the right thing and shut him out of his conversation with you. You two may be brand new and all that, but he is clearly very much interested in being with you. I could tell a few lack of communication tales about the last boyfriend, but I'm trying out a moratorium on thinking about him... last boyfriend who? It was two years ago in July that I left him and I figure the time for thinking about all of it is up although I still have the worry in the back of my head that he will decide to find me and end up banging on my door. Now, there is a lack of effective communication for you. Those that don't think Goodbye means Good bye.
It's so funny that you should post this today. Yesterday, I attended a class taught by my Pastor called "What Men Whish Women Knew About Men." One of the things he said was that communication between men and women is cross-cultural. Men don't hear what she meant and women don't hear what he said. Enlightening!
Derrick gets points for ensuring that you were speaking the same language. I think I like him.
Such a good post! You and new-dude (I can't let that go yet...LOL) are well on your way to speaking as grownups do. I like the check back call to make sure there are no mis-understandings on either side. Carry. On.
me likey this post! lol.
the part about it - everyone communicates differently and we need to take the time to figure it out.
i like new dude. i wish new dude had a twin brother.
and oh..vince gets the BIGGEST sideeye EVERER. keep watch on that one...
Well you just figured out something that it takes married couple years to grasp. They think that just because they are talking everything should be fine. I have to ask "But what are you saying?" I always encourage the double-check to make sure you not only heard what they said but what they meant.
Kudos on decoding the Mars/Venus translations. Vince is that hater. Don't turn your back on that one.
You are just in time with this one. Had a fight with the SO yesterday and now after reading this I know that he did not get what I said at all. And probably jacked up what he was trying to say. As you say - Le Deep Sigh. Now I gotta go back to this ninja and apologize.
My uncle from Texas used to say "That's don't mean da-da to me" - is it a Texas thang?
Anyway, this is a universal problem. I think people's inability to be effective communicators have caused relationships to fail, business to fold and wars to break out. It's hard to get it right.
Two thumbs up for the new dude! I love the sound of a grown up conversation. I also love that you are not wondering where you stand.
Happy Fourth Lady.
Yes, Effective Communication is very key!!!! In some cases it can be the difference between life and death, literally!! BTW I am loving whatever is blossoming between you and New Dude aka Derrick. I feel so inspired. This queen is preparing for her king!!!
I like the lowkey way he has of saying what he's thinking and feeling without saying what he's thinking and feeling. But the key here is, he's dealing with a woman of superior intellect and maturity. This conversation could've gone all the way south if neither of you was at the right level. This is Derek with the sour jealous face. ;-/ Where's my superior equal?
I recently took an Interpersonal Communications course and it turns out that one of the MOST effective ways to communicate with anyone, especially your SO or child is to paraphrase. New Dude took it a step further and did the paraphrasing for you, which is actually pretty boss and shows that he cares enough about what you have to make sure you're both on the same page.
But back to what I learned...paraphrasing is the act of taking what you think you heard and repeating it back to them in the terms that make the most sense to you. This method of communication takes practice, but boy does it do wonders! There is a marriage counselor/researcher extrodinaire who teaches couples who have already filed for divorce or legal separation and has and incredible success rate with them (somewhere upwards of 86%) getting back together and actually having happy marriages.
Anywho...sounds like Derrick knows what's up. Adelante, chica!
Yes~ They keep renaming this. When I went through an Effective Business Communications class, they called it Micro-Mirroring when you repeated what you heard in your own words. Jayme C teaches a class called You Say But I heard...
Same concepts I guess ;-)
LOL - Bitter much? But I feel you. This conversation would not have gone well b/n me and the ex. She had the ability to make "Good Morning" into High Drama. Some people simply don't know how to communicate if it's not coming from a place of drama.
Well let me ask the question now... New Dude have a brother?
Agree with the good doctor. Vince is got that bitter beer face right about now and you need to keep your good eye on him. Haterism is in his heart.
I think Vince needs foot in the ass.
Yeah you do ;-)
A good relationship is work. Great communication is work. Nothing worth having comes easy... there's my fortune cookie comment for today.
Dang, Derrick continues to impress XD I'm rooting for y'all! I'm also convinced that Vince is Riley in 10 years.
my god, this guys sounds like a dream....there's sooo much to be said for maturity, i swear. i'm happy for you both, hope it gets betta and betta and betta!!
i'm off to get my face painted with a little Ghana flag, don't forget to root for Team Ghana, you guys!!! GO BLACK STARS, GO!!!!! after Ghana, Brazil.....
also... sweetie, vince is just DODGY. i'm not one for telling my guy who to be friends with (plus Derrick seems to realise how much of a fool his friend is, i LOVE that he chucked him out, heh heh) but i can see the hater tendencies in Vincent - sour grapes from hell after his relationship with what seemed like a lovely woman broke down - ENTIRELY HIS OWN DOING!!! Nx! i shun this guy. shun him TO HELL!!!
I have to agree that effective communication is key; it is something that takes work. I have learned to reserve the attitude and ask for clarification on things to make sure I understand the message that is being relayed. I have a tendency to put my own spin on things based on my past experiences yet I know this is faulty thinking, particularly when I am dealing people who are very different personality types than my former associations. So, again, if something starts brewing in my mind, I ask for clarification before I get it all messed up. I hope other people do the same with me because I do know at times I may think I am being crystal clear but what actually comes out my mouth is quite confusing for some reason.
He sounds like a keeper. A man who is considerate of your feelings and takes the time to make sure you and he are on the same page....I am going to make my husband read this post. Thanks for sharing this, Chele......
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