BougieLand, it's that time again. Emails have come in and it's time to tackle a few. For those of you that want to send in questions for the next round, I'm emailable at onechele@gmail.com. This go round, I picked two about personal betrayals. Without further ado let's go in, shall we?
First up is a lady in the Pacific Northwest with a work dilemma:
Dear OneChele,
I know you're more of a relationship expert than a career consultant but I thought I'd ask anyway. I have this woman at work who was supposed to be my mentor. She had me create a 26-page deck with graphics and interactive display and voiceover that I was going to present at the leadership meeting. I found out that she took it and presented it as her own. She earned a promotion and all this praise about her "cutting-edge brilliance". When I confronted her, she said they were more accepting of the ideas coming from her and that she had said I helped out. Helped out? I sweat over that thing for two months, nights, weekends, holidays. When I refused to back down she said she's recommending me for her old job (a definite promotion and pay bump for me). Now that would be okay but I would be reporting to her again. The whole thing stinks, any recommendations?
Thanks and I love the blog. I'll just call myself – Pissed in Portland.
Dear Pissed,
Let me start by saying that your first sentence cracked me up. I am not a relationship expert. In fact, I spent the last decade and a half as a Human Resources guru. So I am actually FAR more qualified to give career advice than relationship advice. The irony of that amuses me to no end. But let's get back to you.
You, my dear have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and led astray. The Paycheck Plantation has landed squarely on you. I have met many a barracuda like your so-called mentor. She sucks out your energy and brilliance, presents it as her own and then offers you something to placate you so she can do it all over again. This is the classic case of SmartGirl Syndrome. You have proven that you're quick, dynamic, creative and capable. She probably used to be or aspired to be and is faking it. You threaten her in a number of ways so she has to either make you look bad or make you invisible. Stealing your work and presenting it as her own makes you invisible.
Beat her at her own game. Take the promotion but find a way to watermark or footnote or otherwise embed your initials into all of your future work. Save the originals and creation dates on a flash drive that is solely yours and secure. Keep notes on your creative process. And keep a sharp eye out, if she shivved you once to get a leg up chances are she will so it again.
Did you see the movie Working Girl? You're the Melanie Griffith, she's the Sigourney Weaver. Sooner or later (almost always sooner) the time will come that she'll have to actually expound on the concepts you created. You will have the answers, she will not and you will win the day.
The workplace is a marathon, not a sprint. Take the title and the cash, lay back in the cut and wait on your opportunity to take the lead. Corporate Karma is a bee-yotch. Trust and believe.
Hope that helped. Wish I could tell you to bounce out to the next but 1) It's not that kind of job market and 2) Shine-stealers are everywhere. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.
Best of Luck, OneChele
Next up is a gent in the Windy City who has drama at home:
OneChele,
Have you ever heard a case where a guy goes out of town, comes back five days later to find his girlfriend now living with his roommate? I guess it doesn't say a lot about the three of us that she could so easily be stolen from me by him. I didn't even say anything, I just looked at the two of them, walked in my room and shut the door. My lease isn't up until August, I'm forced to stay here and pretend like it's no big deal. We had been together for sixteen months. People are telling me just man up and leave it alone, if she doesn't want you and he didn't have enough respect, the hell with both of them. I do feel like both of them could go straight to hell but it's a hard way to live too and feel every day. Your thoughts?
KDL in the Chi
KDL,
Dude, that sucks. Majorly. So let me give you this piece of advice – roll out. Now. Not yesterday… Not in August… today. Where was old girl living? Maybe you can lay up over there since her trifling behind is now laying all up under next to your roomdog. My second piece of advice – speak your peace. You need to tell both of them how foul they are. Don't bottle that up, it's going to come out in a bad way. Ala D'Angelo's song Sh*t, D*mn, Motherf*cker: (those easily offend, please do not listen)
I'm just saying, before you are featured on an episode of First 48, cuss everybody out and bounce. Once you're out, take a look back – any signs along the way that she was trifling and he was laying in wait? Because a significant other can NOT be stolen, they walk (or in this case slide) away. I'm not asking this to be mean or say this was your fault but so that you can spot the signs if you see them again. Also, it may be time for you to date a better class of female, weed out your treacherous friends and get your own place. Whatever you do, don't take it out on the next chick. I beg of you. Be sure to come back around and tell us how it goes. Now, go start packing. Right now. Back away from the keyboard and open a suitcase.
Better Days Ahead, OneChele
BougieLand – any advice for Pissed and KDL? Anybody been through similar circumstances? Thoughts, comments, insights… the floor is yours.
28 comments:
As the resident HR expert, clearly your advice for Pissed in Portland was the truth and needs no expounding. I'm all about getting 'em where it hurts and not being able to explain why that one project you did was super amazing, but the last few have been....not... hurts.
My man in the Chi, tho... I'm trying to understand how that works. You leave with a girlfriend and comeback and you don't have one? Whoa man. Whoa.
"Also, it may be time for you to date a better class of female"
Chele, you already know how I feel about this. It's basically my answer to every problem. Step your game up. Works everytime.
It’s really hard to believe that KDL was dating a woman for 16 months and she showed no signs of shadiness. It’s been my experience that people don’t just up and do something that dastardly without warning. What I’m more inclined to believe is that she was a beautiful but incredibly flawed woman and KDL kept turning a blind eye. If he is honest with himself, the fact that she moved in with his roommate probably doesn’t come as that much of a surprise…just my opinion.
But in regards to advice, I would be out of there with quickness. Even if KDL pays the rent until the lease is out, he must leave before things go from bad to worse. And things are likely to get worse. I mean, he is within earshot of his ex and his roommate every time they do the humpty dance. That’s just crazy!
Dayum, um the first one is really foul and like you said she needs to wait until opportunity strikes and revenge will be laid out in front of her. With second, there would be some folks that would have decked the guy as soon as he walked in the door. It must be a shared lease because dude would have been kicked to the curb.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
I agree with your advice on the first one. Unfortunately, one of the first things learned entering the workplace as an adult is that it is a hazardous place for your ego, moral, and general sense of decency. You have to learn to be a fighter. And whatever field you are in, it is essential to find a way to identify your work and stand up for yourself. Been there.
As for the guy in Chicago, it all depends on one's financial situation. Times are tight for many. Having a lease means you are legally responsible for the rent and the state of the apartment until the lease is up. I have seen times when one person left and the other person completely trashed the apartment and there were legal proceedings and a big mess. So it seems like it depends on exactly who's names are on the lease and the character of your roommate. OK. Obviously, he lacks some sort of moral compass, but I'm talking about the rest of it. And it depends on you. If you have the courage (and that is what it is to conduct yourself in a grown up way when others are not) to stick it out until your lease is up, you may well be happier 6 months from now when you are free and clear and your budget survived.
How in the Heezy do you lose your girl to your roommate? What kinda chick was he dating? What's wrong with him? Everytime I have been forced to watch the Lifetime Channel I have never seen anything of that sort. Now I have heard of people sharing girls and passing them off like batons at a track meet. A woman once told me that when she was in college her roommate pissed her off and she poked holes in her condoms. Well eventually she ended up getting pregnant. When she told me that I thought that was cruel and unusual. After hearing this story it all makes sense now...
Great advise , Chele! But, I'm not sure if you got the full story on Chicago. I know some pretty reserved men and not one of them would live in a situation where old girl and roommate are cozy. Somethings just not right, but the dude should break lease and bounce. One way out of the lease is to 'help' them look for a roommate just as triflin as they are.
I was in a similar situation with the first post. The advice you gave was on point. Just like certain members of the animal kingdom, you must mark your territory. in this case, leave digital signatures and document locks on all your stuff. Second, find ways to let others see your signature style, and speak the talk. When she shows up trying to claim your stuff as hers your style will get recognized, and someone will pipe up to say, "That sounds like something _____ wrote (or talked) about!" You can make your product as unique as fingerprints, so take the extra time to do it. The final nail would be to show her up in public. When she tries to glean all your info, give her just enough to cause others to question her, but not enough for her to be able to answer. She will have to get clarification on the spot, and you can walk in with big doe eyes, ask her (in front of everyone) what she needs your assistance with, and proceed to snatch the project back from her. Devious enough to work, but not enough for her to realize what you have planned. After all, if she was as smart as you or smarter, she wouldn't need your work.
As for the second case - Man! Walk away. Even if you can just afford a room somewhere, leave out and stop giving your money to these fools using you to help finance their good time. Grow a pair and walk out of there! (Tee Hee - that rhymes!)
Something ain't right with Chi Guy. He couldn't spy any signs of raggedy from his boy or his girl? Anyway, get far away Chi Guy - far, far away.
As for Pissed, you said it all.
I think first chick should tell someone she was robbed, wonder why you didn't tell her drop dime on old girl and het her ousted?
Next boy is straight punksh. He should have swung on both of them and kicked them the hell out. Why should he leave?
I love the corresponding videos today - classic. I went through the same thing with my "mentor" except she spread a bunch of rumors about me sleeping around (when actually she was the one having an affair). I went all high tech and recorded her and the VP then had my friend in IT accidentally leak it onto the company Intranet. Okay so I went extreme but I was too done.
I wonder these two things also.
I'm a little confused - why does it seem like all the comments are blaming this guy for being betrayed? I've had a similar thing happen when my girlfriend decided to date a guy in my frat and neither of them told me until I walked in a party and saw them booed up in a corner. It happens. And like you said Chele, I told them both off and then went onto the next.
#1 - She drops dime and get the rep for being corporate snitch or no one believes her, either way she puts herself in a bad position. If she takes her time and plays it smart, she can come out ahead.
#2 - True, he should ask them to leave. Chances are they won't. It's two against one. I'm telling him to take the path of least resistance.
You gave the best advice to Portland. Chicago. . . I'm surprised that he even had to ask someone if he should move out. He sounds like he might be a "bit" of a pushover and he needs to man up. That's prolly part of the reason she left him. . . JMHO.
I agree it happens but I think what you're sensing is the thought that we're not getting the whole story. KDL is saying everything was rosy, he left town for 5 days, came back and the two people closest two him not only betrayed him but decided to tell him with the loudest FU possible? Okay, maybe so. But yeah if he can afford it, he needs to bounce.
Can't add to what you told Pissed, it's a lesson we all have to learn
KDL - Grab a bag, throw the bird, chuck deuces, don't look back. Even if you have to sleep on yo mama's coach for a month.
I am of the believe that people that poke holes in condoms should be charged with a crime. Reckless endangerment or somesuch shit. That's inexcusable.
^Perfect answers right here.
I thought the same thing. KDL was clearly dazzled by looks or horizontal game because his girlfriend's character was ragly - yes ragly (beyond raggedy). I know I would not be laid up next door to my ex and my roomie night after night.
Wow, remind me never to get on your bad side. :-)
That was great advice, especially to pissed in Portland. I may have to e-mail you my own work questions.
Feel free ;-)
I see what you're thinking, let's not kick a man when he's down but then again - let's ask men to pay attention to what's happening around them. There's no way the girl and the roommate just decided to go all in. They been on the creep for a minute
I know I'm new and all but do people just write you with their drama and you try and solve it?
Pretty much
I just don't think it's too much to ask that people do a little more due diligence before choosing roommates and girlfriends. It's really not.
As you say Le Sigh. To both of these.
That's some Israel in Gaza level get-back there. Gotta be careful around BlackestBerry...LOL
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