Why are you single?
For the record, this is my least favorite question in the world.
A Bouginista reached out to me yesterday to tell me she enjoyed the blog and bought my book, officially making her my favorite person in the world yesterday. I noticed that she listed her blog address at the bottom of the well-penned note. I popped over to check it out and found a great post: Before I self-destruct. I was particularly intrigued when she said the reason she is single is all her fault. Now I'm a little older, I don't assign blame or point fingers about singlehood; but I do like the idea of everybody owning their own relationship status and not casting about for lists of reasons large or small, individual or societal, internal or external.
Someone in a movie (I think it was The Wedding Date) said every woman has exactly the love life she wants. I haven't decided if I 100% agree with that or not. What I will agree to is that getting asked why you're still single (especially by an equally single person) is not the hotness. Peep my latest BougieTale of good times…
Confession: I met a man while watching Just Wright the other day. I went to see the movie alone. I got a small popcorn and a medium Cherry-Coke ICEE. I sat about ten rows from the front with 3 open seats on one side and 5 on the other. Movie McCutie came in said hello and sat 2 seats down to my left. SistaGirl with the full meal deal came in and sat 3 seats to my right. When SistaGirl pulled out her picnic; he shot me the "are you seeing this shiggity" look. I responded with the head nod and "what's wrong with folks" look. He smiled, I smiled back. We turned our attention back to the movie. There was a particular scene where I could not help myself; I said out loud, "That doesn't happen in real life." He looked over and said, "No it really doesn't." We exchanged smiles again. When the movie ended, he waited until I got up and then followed me to the aisle. He made some small talk, I reciprocated and we exchanged phone numbers before parting ways in the parking lot.
Yesterday was our first opportunity to chat. The conversation was going well until he said: "So I don't get it! Why is a smart, accomplished beautiful woman like you still single?" I. Hate. This. Question. Because what the person is REALLY asking is, "What is wrong with you? Just tell me now so I can run the other direction." I have developed a set answer: "Wrong men at the wrong time, I guess. Why are you single?"
"I don't know, haven't found the right woman I guess." Uh-huh. We sat in silence. To his credit, he jumped in and said, "You're right, we don't have to do the whole history thing." And then we went on with the conversation.
That question is such a landmine. As irritating as it is being asked by a single man, it's just as bad when others roll up on you. One of my Mom's friends never misses an opportunity to exclaim (loudly), "Baby, you ain't married yet? You modern girls just don't need nobody." Le Sigh with gritted teeth. It's almost as irritating as when someone asks (in shocked voice), "You ain't got no kids? At your age?!" Laser beam side eye. Would it be better if I was married and divorced three times over with five kids? I somehow think not.
I remember I once asked one guy why he was still single only to have him say, "Oh I'm not." ______________ <~~ Flatline. There nothing to be revived after that. I remember one guy asking me The Question on a day when I just wasn't feeling it. I over shared in the hopes that he would hear my many BougieTales of Woe and run in the opposite direction. He didn't but he should have. Remind me to tell ya'll the story of Bradley & Buppie Bougie Backlash one day. Moving on…
Here's the dilemma to answering this question:
- Haven't found the right man yet leads to "Well what are you looking for?"
- Been concentrating on my career leads to "So you put your job ahead of a man?"
- Just had a lot going on leads to "Do you even have time in your life for a man right now?"
- Just got out of a long-term relationship leads to "So what happened?"
- I don't know why I'm single, if I knew I wouldn't be leads to **crickets**
- Because I killed the last guy who asked me that question and he's buried in my backyard by the rose bushes… well that just leads to jail time.
I wonder – is there a good answer to this question? (I know there's a bad one or two) How much history do you need to share in the answer of that question? Why even ask? Once you confirm the single status… how much more do you need to know? I'm just curious as to how others handle this question… the floor is yours.
59 comments:
Bringing the real this morning. You left out my favorite answer "Because I'm not married YET!"
I like to wait a reasonable amount of time and then ask what happened to the one before me. Beyond that, I don't ask. I'll find out what I need to know soon enough.
So I flash charming smile and say- Maybe I've been waiting on you.
Hate that question. Like you said, it's usually a cover for what they really want to ask anyway.
By the way, the ladies are usually clever about how they ask "How come someone hasn't snapped you by now?"
Last time this came up I gave deep sigh and said... just lucky I guess. He switched topics.
I'm married now but I could see where that question could get old fast.
My response: We don't have to do the whole history-swap what happened thing yet, do we?
I had an elderly aunt look at me, touch my cheek, and said, "You are so pretty. Why aren't you married? Are you gay?" All I could do was blurt out "No...I like men!" I was shocked at the question and who asked it. That was 12 years ago and at age 45 now (still single) I don't let that question sting anymore. Funny...the longer you are single the more at ease you become in your own skin. Although I do like to mingle...
I find that really only older people ask that question. Most people these seem to understand that it's a tacky question to ask.
Honestly I don't feel the need to even answer it. I usually just laugh and say "I don't know," just to be polite. But in all honesty the answer is "Because I don't want to be married." It's that simple. But most older people can't really accept that. They want you to be married.
For men, if you look good, people assume you are either sexing everything that moves or gay. Since I don't give off gay vibes I think most people assume I am a 34 year old man whore. But that is so far from the truth. I haven't dated in quite some time. Truth is I just enjoy my single life. Period. Why is that simple answer so hard for people to take.
I hate when people ask, it's like clearly can you see that evidently I haven't found someone that I want to take my singlehood away from me. I am not single because I choose it, I doubt that anyone really is. There is no need to go deep into the history of why you are still single. In fact like you said it can cause someone to go running in the opposite direction. No one wants to hear about all the baggage you have. I guess I always say, "I don't know, the lightning bolt hasn't hit me yet."
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
I've decided that sometimes people think the "why are you single?" question is supposed to be a compliment. Like, "you're SO awesome, how hasn't someone snagged you?"
But, Chele, as you point out, the further implication really is "what the hell is wrong with you?" Well eff you very much.
My sarcasm shows horribly when I get asked that question. If ya'll can't tell, I'm into what the real question is behind those easy superficial softball questions people use when they don't want to get down to the nitty gritty.
But the people I really hate who ask are my older relatives and my mom's friends. Like, can you mind your business, please? When I get an engagement ring, I will.let.you.know. In the interim, keep your tidbits and pieces of useless advice and stupid questions to.yourself. #kthxbi
Folk are single by choice, simply because the offers and opportunities that may presented themselves, isn't where they want to be. Thats what single by choice means, they refuse to settle for any ol warm body with a penis attached that shows interest.
At least in my particualr case anyway! LOL
LOL....Love that answer.
I laughed at #6 in your list. I've been waking up cranky lately 'cause of stress and it is nice to laugh. It has been a while since somebody has asked that question. My reply is a smile and a shrug and a 'that's just how it has worked out.'
Good for you chatting with the guy at the movies :-) Feeling more like yourself, I hope.
I have to cosign this 100%! Yes I would like to get married and have children one day; but today is not that day. I have used all the reasons listed in this blog as my answer! Lol (with the exception of #6) On the days when I’m just not feeling it I just say, "I'm doing me".
Co-sign. The older relatives and aunts and uncles just get on my darn last nerve with that question. It's a kind of a mob mentality with that whole you gotta get hooked up and get married and have kids. Uhm...no especially if the right dude hasn't showed up yet. I'd rather be single & sane than divorced & deranged (with Lord knows how many kids rag tagging along) thank you very much.
And my comeback to the question would be what do you really wanna know?
Men aren't married because they don't want to be. Women aren't married because ain't nobody asked them.
It's so funny because I was just asked this question on Sunday and I never know the correct way to answer...but I did like the way Queen Latifah answered the question in Just Wright. "I simply haven't found the person that I can't live without." It doesn't go too much into detail, but it still answers the question.
P.S. Thanks for the shout-out and I love the book. I try to sneak and read it at red lights and while I'm working...I had to make myself go to sleep last night!
Very cool post.
I generally say - God hasn't sent me The One yet. Folks don't play with Jesus.
Well I've got one marriage behind me. So not only do I get the Why Are Single question, I get the Divorced before 30?! speculation.
And yes, the older chuch sistas are all "What happened baby?"
The underlying question is why can't you get and keep a man?!
I don't think this is a question that should be asked of others. It should be asked of yourself as a tool for introspection and progression. My reasons for being single are my own and when I'm ready to not be single, then I won't be. It's not difficult to find somebody to hang out with and give you a little sumthin' sumthin' every now and then. The difficult part is finding somebody you truly aligned with.
I ask myself that all the time. Seems like I'm good at finding female friends, but no females around me want to go further than that. I check everywhere: school, social events, family parties, the like. Sigh. IDK. My mom and co have even made fun of me for not going to prom (nobody interested in me), but I digress. Stuff happens, I guess.
It's a whole other level when you are divorced and/or have kids. As a man, it is always assumed that I cheated or did something horribly wrong for my marriage to dissolve. So yeah, I cringe at those questions...
I'm too much fabulous for just one man!
meh, sometimes it's a geographical thing, too. Many of my single friends, no matter ethnicity, sexuality, etc., feel we have slim pickins out here.
i know i definitely am doing too much to even have that much spare time, and i'm thinking about that.
Oh my gosh. This is the question/state of being that is causing me much internal turmoil. I am a college prof, and not married/no children and am feeling (seriously) horrified about it. I'm to embarrassed to even go around my family and church, as Everyone in my fam/church are married/or have children, exept people who are actually children! Sad to say, but I ask myself that question, and only have myself 'to blame(?) At my age now, it is obvious that I will never marry;and while I enjoy my own company, I can't help but feel how/like I missed the boat. yikes! I did not put career ahead, I was not the neck-rolling stereotype,but somehow did not enter 'Noah's Ark.
When I run into old classmates. all are married, divorced, or have children, and God if they do'nt give me the 'pity face'. I hate that. My sister and aunt even commented, "well, I guess you just did'nt want a man. the hell!? Of course I did, but it never panned out. Here's to all of you single young women, to finding your individual happiness, in whatever 'state' you find yourself, (or end up in lol!)
That might be true in some cases, I was asked, but I like the Queen Latifah response, that they were not individuals who I could'nt live without. I think , 'what if I had married 'david' or the Indian guy 'friend' who I suspected wanted a 'green card, b ut who I liked very much;what would I be saying/doing now? I'll never know.
I've been engaged twice, I think Chele said she's been engaged a time or two... Sometime we just say no.
But I expected this answer from you, Riley
I dread this question. I guess that's why I dread that first "introductory" conversation. I can never come up with anything clever that doesn't make him think I'm crazy as hell. It sets you up for failure because in society's eyes if you're not in relationship, there's something wrong with YOU. Nevermind that there are a ton of dysfunctional, awful relationships out there. The only thing people can focus on is the fact that you aren't in one---good or bad.
It's funny--as I was watching Just Wright, I laughed at Latifah's response to Common question. I was thinking, "This is a movie with paid writers and that's all they came up with? I keep rotating my same three answers.
At the very moment a guy decides to ask me why I'm single, he should ask himself that same question. There are no easy answers to that one.
We'll I'm 34. I'ld say that it's probably about 50/50 for my friends and family. Many are not married. Even the ones that are...many have only recently married in their 30s or 40s. Of the friends that married young (early 20s) I would say that I am hardley jealous since I think most were not ready and shouldn't have. I am single but I don't spend a lot of time thinking about how the grass might be greener on the other side. And even at 34 I never really felt like my chances or marrying are dwindling away. I've always felt that there are plenty of eligible women.
I think it's a legitimate question, though I agree, invasive. It's at the top of the 'Crazy Test" questionnaire. A good answer will let you move on to the next question. It does beg that you ask back as well.
A woman over 30 without kids and a partner is a gift from the gods and you have to ask someone why that is and only you know the answer, so please don't consider that a negative question. Like you illustrated, it 'leads to' and that just furthers dialogue and getting to know someone, right?
I had a similar discussion recently about a guy who's 40 and hasn't been married yet. That's a big red flag, really. If he never came close, it signifies commitment issues and so forth. Because you're single now doesn't necessarily mean you've ALWAYS been single or will always be single. It can just be a matter of timing too.
That's crazy. To assume someone is flawed cause they are not married. There are plenty of people married for all the wrong reasons. The opposite of what you just said is that you assume someone is stable, normal or perfect because they have a ring on their finger. OMG. That's pretty naive.
No, no. That's not what I meant at all. If one has never been or has never come close is the issue, not whether they are married or single or not. Assume nothing, because I don't. It's just a red flag is all - not saying they're flawed (who isn't?), and a red flag just means you ask more questions - could be nothing, could be something. It's just something that leads to more questions and there's nothing wrong with questions or conversations leading to answers.
If someone has never come close by that age, they probably don't want to be tied down ever, but everyone is different. Right? Everyone has their reasons for being single or not single. Some are good reasons, others -not so much.
I will say this to the unmarrieds - if you are using the answer to this question as a litmus test for crazy or suitability, you're doing yourself a disservice. No matter why someone is currently not in a relationship, nothing beats just taking the chance if you feel the chemistry. Someone that may have been off the wall in their last relationship may be easy, breezy with you. I could go on and on but I'll just stop with - I wish more folks would focus less on what gets said in the introductory stages and more on what they feel and how they act. Just my professional opinion.
I say "Been there, done that and got the kids, the house, the car, and alimony to prove it" LOL
I guess I just don't think this is ever a legitimate question. People don't ask to really vett someone. They don't really care what the answer is, they're just being nosy and/or catty. I can't remember ever really answering this question. I usually laugh and turn it around to trying to find out why they want to know.
This is a perfect blog post. I hate this question...I also hate being asked about my last relationship or how many relationships I've been in. I can't tell if people ask these sorts of questions because they are trying to assess you or just because they don't know what else to ask in the beginning. However, even if their intention isn't to judge, they always do. And once again, I HATE IT!
I hated that question when I was single! HATED IT! And the relatives were the worse. I had an aunt suggest that I go ahead and get knocked up anyway, though I had no husband. I wanted to retort:"Oh, so I can be like you with your 6 kids by various men and living common law with my uncle for almost 30 years??" But my mama woulda slapped me so I kept quiet.
Ha! I feel you on this one. Some folks can dish it but not take it...
My response is "because I'm not married," which leads to: "So, why aren't you married?" which I follow with "because I'm single." Such circuity prevents the same people from asking "The Question" circuitously. Give it a try and see how it works for you.
...and if it were just that simple there might not be so many responses to this blog...
You're ignoring/forgetting about/not realizing there exist/not being able to fathom the women who (*gasp*) don't want to be married. The biblical "you have not because you ask not" isn't universally applicable. Sorry :-/
You and Oyan should talk.
Well, number 5 isn't so bad. The crickets gives everyone a moment to reflect on the ridiculousness of the question.
I have to agree. Often, "Why are you single" isn't the real question. I've never (in my 32 years) been asked by a family member why am I single. It is always from a dude. And those dudes were really asking if my goal was a relationship or "something else". So I take that opportunity to say what I'm looking for.
I agree it's an awkard question and becomes frustrating especially when you hear it over and over again. When family asks when I'm getting married instead of getting upset I respond with something like...have you prayed God sends me for a husband yet? I don't mind when a man asks me because I'm usually wondering the same thing. It's a great way to see where a man's head is at. It's a good opportunity to find out (in a round about way) if you are looking for the same thing. When a potential new love interest asks this question I reply with...I'm waiting on him to find me or he hasn't found me yet. I usually get the Ah, GOOD ANSWER look from them.
I dunno. Sure it's a red flag. STILL a horrible question. Find out some other method. I'm fine with "Have you ever been married?" "Do you have kids" "What was your last relationship like?"... but "why are you single?" .. only ask when you really have built trust with that person.
I just tell them only crazy people are in relationships, and since I'm definitely not crazy I have no other choice but to be a happy single lady.
Of course it takes a few minutes for all that to sink in and then the **crickets**.
Now I know this is not true, but it usually forces a change in topic. :-)
The question shows a mild case of immaturity IMO especially when asked by another single person. The best response I can think of: well...what if God created me for you such that no other man before you would do?
The best relationships I have had to date were with guys who never asked me that question. Something about it irks me and starts the relationship off on the wrong foot IMO.
The second most hated question for me: do you even want to get married and have kids?
When asked by a divorced father of one, I said, "Time will tell." He pushed the issue and I shut him up real quick by finally saying, "I do want to get married and have kids but not if it means that I will end up divorced and a single parent anyway."
****Crickets****
Some people don't know how to keep their mouths shut when it comes to other people's personal lives. That said, I will be the one to remind them that their lives are not perfect and no....I don't want to end up like them. I just want to be me and left alone to seek out what is meant for me (and not according to anyone else's plan for my life).
Uh oh. I think I just found a new blog for my blogroll. I'm pretty sure I have a post on this same topic somewhere, but I've been browsing your site and I love it! Got here via the Fresh Xpress.
I've been living abroad for most of my adult life, 10 in Europe and now 2 years in Asia. People are not up in your business like they are in the States. Seems to me, if radiate health and happiness AND you're single, people look at you suspiciously in the U.S. LOL. See, what they're really trying to find out is why they're so miserable being married and why you're so happy, living your life, being single. Misery loves company.
Just to be mean you should ask them "How do you do it? Living day-in, day-out, sleeping with the same person over and and over and over and over (you get the pic) again, I mean don't you bored?!" Then walk away.
Or better yet, ask this: "Why did you get married? Was it a money thing? Oh, the jokes right themselves. Seriously, people should keep the personal questions to themselves.
This is cute!
I believe in the U.S. we have this idea of things you should be doing at certain points in one's life. When you step outside the box of those ideals people look at you differently.
In the U.S.there's too much pressure to conform to the so-called norm. I'm done with that. I don't have a phat house in the burbs', a six-figure income, etc. What I do have is a great life I've created traveling and living all over the world and family and friends who love and cherish me, I'm good, hell, I'm GRRRRRREAT! LOL
I really dislike the question and it is typical of men because they are so surface. SMH
I truly hate that question. And of course it's always asked by a single guy who for some reason thinks that it's "normal" for him but "abnormal" for women. I think I'm going to start saying "Marry me and I won't be anymore." Do you think that will work? lol
I don't know why I'm just seeing this post. I ABSOLUTELY H-A-T-E that question. I think it's highly inappropriate. People are single because they haven't found the right person, it's usually as simple as that. It shouldn't be used as an assumption that something is wrong with that person just because they are not currently in a relationship. Ugh! I could go on and on, but I won't.
My answer use to be because I'm waiting to be found. Now it is: I am looking for the extraordinary in a world filled with ordinary. That opens the discussion up to what I like to do that is extraordinary.
Too cute! I found your blog after I literally Googled "what to say when a guy asks are you single."
Haha. I was asked today and responded "I don't know, I guess it just beez like dat sometimez."
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