Okay, at first I laughed out loud when I first received this question. And then six more men sent in similar questions. That wiped the smile off my face. The myth of the Angry Black Woman strikes again. Well, let me rephrase that – I think it's a myth but if the fellas think we are stomping around mean-muggin' and back-slappin' anyone who gets in our way, let me dig deeper to find the answer.
So I'll admit to a period of time in my late 20s when I was bitter, caustic, with zero tolerance for the brothers. Something to do with the guy I planned on marrying deciding to marry someone else out of the blue. All my plans (I was one of those chicks with a life plan and a timeline) went up in smoke. It took a minute for me to bounce back to my normally pleasingly pleasant personality. So apologies to any fella who tried to roll up to me at that time. I wasn't having it. I assumed one heart-breaking dude equaled all dudes were out to break my heart and I was ill-prepared to deal with it.
Thankfully, a different guy came around and basically said, "What's that got to do with me?" Oh… um – nothing actually. My bad. I began to realize that my happiness is my own responsibility. Like BougieMom says, "No one can steal your joy, you have to give it them." True. Since then I do not let a man (or woman for that matter) mess with my mood for long. 24 - 48 hours and then I gotta be me. And me isn't mean and surly.
Alright, let's answer the question. Why are ladies so mean?
- Easiest answer: You made us that way. Yes you fellas. You know who you are. We were happy, you came along and did us wrong and now we mad. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just saying it happens.
- Saddest answer: We've been kicked in the ass by life too many times. No one starts out mean, angry, bitter. Someone who is layers deep unhappy got that way over time with a lot of really foul circumstances. The outward expression of all that unhappiness is a mean, spiteful bitter woman who just wants you to feel as bad as she does. Just stay out of her way and hope she finds Jesus.
- Situational answer: We tried nice and it didn't work out, now we're going with mean. This generally applies in work situations or when we have told a fella no (several times) and he's not hearing us. Then we have to get a little nasty.
- Possible answer: We're just not feeling it (or you) right now. We woke up on the wrong side (of the wrong) bed, it's that time of the month, our shoes are pinching, you are on our nerves, the job is trifling, we need a vacation – it's temporary. We'll be okay, just hang in.
- Unfortunate Answer: You're letting us be mean to you. Seriously. A woman will get away with as much as you let her. If you lay down and stamp doormat on your forehead, someone is going to wipe their feet and keep stepping. Some women will just take advantage of you if you let them. Don't let them.
- Generally Honest answer: We're not mean; we just look that way sometimes. Smile at us, tell us we look lovely that day and nine times out of ten, we'll smile back. Problem solved.
The follow-up question was "And what can we do about it?"… um, fellas if after a certain age you really don't know how to put a smile on a woman's face – this blog can't save you. No seriously… it's the little things. Start out by asking us what is wrong with the understanding that sometimes, we just want to vent – we don't need you to fix it. If you are the cause of our pissitivity, you might want to cease and desist the action that made us that way and apologize very sweetly. If you're not, hang in – we're really not as mean as you think.
Fellas - did I answer the question to your satisfaction? If not, fire away - some of the other ladies may have the exact answer you seek. Ladies, do you have something to add to the answers? Any other comments, questions, insights?
37 comments:
Well, at least you were honest. It's either our fault or it's not and some women are just plain mean. I can sign off on that. But seriously, it does appear some women are evil for no damn good reason.
I can dig it. The sum of all parts of past "mean muggs" lead me to believe that (1) it is not always me (2)wo not take it personal & (3)hree not to offer/try to "fix" it.
"… it's the little things. Start out by asking us what is wrong with the understanding that sometimes, we just want to vent – we don't need you to fix it." Check & Word.
Chele - you hit this one out the park. I have nothing to add. The easiest answer: "You made us that way" Umm-hmm, yeah ya did.
The lady I was named for and try to emulate passed last night so I'll answer as she would - Darling if you don't want us mean, do something to make us happy.
Yup, that's it. We have so many reasons to not be perky and grinning 24/7, men need to not be worried why we are unhappy, instead they need to figure out how to turn that froen upside down. It's annoying to hear all the time that women are evil when I know that we aren't. We have issues that create the mood for the moment and if I am pissed right now, that's what it is for right now. In 15 minutes the bubbly personality may come through. Men just gotta be patient and understanding.
Tiffany
Peace, Love and Chocolate
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.com
I hate when a guy starts basically using pick up lines in a very forceful and dominant way, and when you try to let him know you're not interested the 'you're hot' or 'what's your name' (or whatever angle they take) turns very quickly into 'OH MY GOD YOU BITCH why can't you just be 'nice' and take the compliment?'
It seems for them 'nice' = 'subservient', or blushing and giggling at their pathetic attempts at human interaction?
Okay! Just because I don't want you does not make me a mean bitch. I just don't want you. Now after I tell you this (nicely) and you call me a bitch to my face- yes, I'm a little mean. It's not my presonality, it's my personal reaction to your weak behinds.
I dunno. I kinda want an example of what is meant by "mean." My experience says that for some men, a woman who disagrees in any form or fashion is being mean.
Not giving you my number in the club is not me being mean. It's me showing disinterest.
Not acknowledging you when you approach me in a respectful way? Well that's just mean.
But Chele, I think you covered all the possible answers. It varies from woman to woman and sometimes men have to know when a woman is just...well... just like that and move on to another one. Many of women, though, just need someone to be frank about the fact that he's not the last dude and the keep on being a good guy. Nothing worth having comes easy (or some such, lol).
Men could also slap their knucklehead friends upside the head, cause they're really messing it up for the rest of ya'll.
Some surely are and I hate seeing a dude wasting his time on those chicks.
Folks do what works for them and for the most part, if a woman keeps losing good men cause she's mean. She'll fix that. May take her a while, but she'll get it. It's when you see all those mean bitter women who stay having dudes on their arms that you wonder why you even bother ridding yourself of baggage.
Some women ornery. I get that me rolling up in the club saying "Psst" may not have been the best move but "No thank you" is adequate. No reason to get all loud and mean about it ;)
As one of those knuckleheads from time to time, apologies.
I just met the meanest woman. (Of course she was the finest woman as well) Disagreeable, argumentative, tart and tongue like a viper - damn! Based on your list I am now going to assume it had nothing to do with me and life had kicked her in the ass.
[Disclaimer: I'm gonna be contrary but there's a method to the madness.]
Two thoughts: being mean is contrary to home training. I was never taught to be mean, it was not a lesson in "how to act."
The other thought: women are saying men need to change their bad moods. Uh...you ma'am are an adult. You are the only one responsible for your happiness and by extension your mood.
Well let's face it, we all now one mean-spirited chick who looks like she hasn't cracked a smile for 10 years. And whatever he problem is, she wants to make it yours. I agree with Chele, just stay out of here. As for the rest of us, ladies - find your own happiness. I'm gonna go all old school southern on you - you catch more flies with honey than vinegar... still holds true.
I will concede that some men are trifling but we already know this. :-)
interesting answers....should have figured it would be our fault. lol
Well now we're gonna need another question for the fellas week cuz we didn't ask why some of them are just jerks.
Why are ladies so mean?
Simply put: street harassment
Based on this answer alone I’d say 90% of Black women are friendly, neighborly, have a general sense of community, and are approachable.
It’s just that walking in public spaces with a smile or pleasant disposition often translates into UNWANTED attention from men.
That is what we’re trying to avoid.
And unfortunately you never know when you will be harassed so you always have your mean face on.
Btw, I do accept that the other 10% of Black women treat the whole ABW thing like an Olympic sport. They are mean to every man, woman, and child they meet. We all should avoid them.
that's why i leave y'all alone in public, lol.
You're on point with this one. Not much to add except - when I have already told people that I'm not feeling it and just give me some space and then they keep going in - it's going to get ugly. You have at that point asked for the mean mug.
I am a man confident in my ability to make a woman smile - no matter what she has going on. Send the mean ones my way...
Mean girl #1 here.
I have a serious face. Check the baby pics. I looked serious. I live with it, you deal with it.
I like that you suggest that men tell women "you look lovely today." MUCH BETTER THAN "Why you looking so mean?" "Why don't you smile?" "You should smile."
Random thought - never hear this from the other end.. that men should smile more... why is it that women are supposed to be smiling but can just be?
Let's face it - some women just bitchy and need pipe laid to shut 'em down. Maybe I didn't put that as bougie as I could have but that's the Gog's honest truth. A little D and everybody happy. The meaner they are, the less likely they've had some in a while.
The term "mean" leaves some interpretation to be had, at least in my opinion. I have been accused of being stuck up, think I'm better than (xyz), bougie (negative), etc. and all because I am the quiet thoughtful type. When I speak, I say what I mean and mean what I say, but don't do it to be offensive, only to get my point across and some people perceive that as me being "mean". That's just simply not true. Just because you happen to be uber-sensitive today does not make me mean.
Another thing that sometimes gets me thrown into the "mean" category sometimes is just what you said in your list, Chele. When my husband is not in his best mood, my mood is affected. Same with my mom or anyone else that I am close to. If I love you and you are off, I am influenced enough by you to be empathetic to your offness and sometimes I even feel it, too. Sometimes I carry it longer than I need to. Sometimes it stirs up something that I though forgotten or dismissed and sometimes it's just easier to sulk and marinate in the mood for a bit. But does that really make me mean?
Sometimes "mean" is a front and a way to protect yourself from whatever it is you feel requires shielding from. When I was 17-19 and in college, having to walk home from the bus stop, I would intentionally say "mean" things to guys who thought it was ok to whistle or holler at me like some kind of dog. I felt that if I was mean/angry acting enough, my person would be safer from assault. Apparently it worked. :)
I think some people are genuinely mean and some people just have mean moments that vary in their duration but the thing to remember is that we are all human and we have all or will all go through something that can take our minds off the silver lining of life from time to time and make it exceptionally difficult to be the sunny, cheery human being we are normally loved for being under normal circumstances. We don't always know what our counterparts are going through and sometimes you just have to accept that everyone has a bad day (or decade, apparently).
Say "you look lovely" or "you have a gorgeous smile" and think of it as your good deed for the day. You never know how much someone is in need of an encouraging or uplifting word or bit of praise. Maybe what you say will make a difference you never imagined.
I wondered how long until the first "I got what you need baby" answer came up. Nice.
I like your random thought - you never hear people tell men "You should smile more" or "Why so serious?" Interesting.
i think that out of all these possible answers only number one seems like a good reason to be mad. the rest possibly couldn't have anything to do with me. based on that i probably wouldn't care if a woman is looking mean or if she is in fact mean.
if i saw a stranger and she looked like she had a permanent scowl on her face the chances of me sparking up a conversation are slim to none. don't really care how bad she might be. yeah i have ways of getting a woman to smile but when i see a person that walks around mean mugging everyone, i'm going to think that they have a sour disposition on life. i don't need anyone bringing down my mood. i'll let them be in their own funk.
05girl,
ITA. I was having a conversation with some friends one day (I'm an officer in our Black women's group at school), and some of the girls were saying that they felt like they were being unfairly contrasted with the "bubbly White girls" on campus and labeled mean even when there's "just nothing to smile about" (I go to a univ that's about 2% Black--there are about 200 of us). I think they got it mostly from Black guys, but like divalive said, all that smiling attracts the fools. And I say this as someone whose default expression is a smile, but who has worked hard to patent my "disinterested street look". I have to, being from Chicago.
Devil's Advocate: If women can be mean because they are constanly being approached by ignorant men.......shouldn't men have the right to be mean to women since they onstantly get rejected in the meanest rudest ways when they are just trying to do what men are expected to do which is make the first move.
I wonder how ladies would act if they were expected to approach men, beg for their phone number and then get mean mugged and told to "Get out my face you ugly chick I don't want you." Bet it would be a lot of women curssing me out.
Maybe both genders could stand to be a little more understanding and chill a bit.
Honestly, I think this is usually a case of what they call in Psychology "The Vividness Factor". Its the same reason most people think planes kill more than cars.
It's not that the majority of women are really mean, but every guy does encounter a mean woman here and there. These negative memories and experiences leave such a strong impact on our mental being that we start to unfairly look for meanness and attitude where they aren't present. Or, when asked about it, we remember the one b* and forget the 10 sweethearts.
Same reason a lot of women think all men are dogs. The bottom 10% f*ing it up for the top 90%.
Well I've seen plenty of aggressive women shot down.
It starts in junior high with chicks chasing the jocks and popular dudes.
And by the time we all hit the nightlife/party scene in our 20s it only gets worse.
Been to any college parties? Spring Break? How about All-Star Weekend? Grammy after-parties? weekends in Vegas?
All you see are tons of women trying to push their way to the “baller types” and their ginormous entourages. Then one by one these women get shot down because they don't look like some celebrity or model.
And these men are not discreet either when rejecting these women that approach them. They take great pride in pointing out and making fun of any woman’s physical imperfections.
So women deal with being rejected, humiliated, and embarrassed when approaching men too.
I see that old line is still floating around. Get over yourself, dude, contrary to what you may think, not all women are sex starved harpies, waiting for someone like to you relieve the pressure. You and your counterparts are just not that important. Maybe she is mean because she met a brother like you that thinks with the little head.....ever think about that?
Nowaday, we women do not have a lot of time to be the bubbly, smiley faced cheerleader type that most men expect. Granted, you do catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but in the aggressive climate of social interaction today, everyone is in a hurry. Women used to be taught how to flirt, how to let a man court you(it was called "charm school") but because many of the sisters are "doing it for themselves", they feel they don't have to put up the pretense of being a charming, smiling, femme fatale all the time. Men, just be yourself, and if the lady continues to snap and snarl at you, just go your way. You may have saved yourself a lot of problems later.
I'm from the South so I'm genetically predisposed to being nice to everyone. ;-)
Why are you so mean? {I find this question ridiculous.}
1. Stop with the generalizations. Not all women are "mean". Many of us LOVE to smile and have pleasant facial expressions.
2. If you walk up to a woman to ask her out, then she tells you she is not interested...she is not interested. This does not make her mean. Move on....
3. Grow up...do you really walk around thinking every woman is mean because YOU mistaken a calm facial expression for a frown. SMH
Next question, please. :)
My answer to the fellas is - grow a pair and quit whining. I mean it. Damn.
If that type of rejection happens on that level, then you're dealing with women with no home training or love for self, anyway.
That drives me crazy sometimes, "Smile, sunshine." Wow, do you even know the racist history of that?!
I tend not to smile in public precisely because I don't want to be approached by strangers, because the interactions end up with a solicitation of some sort, overwhelmingly. Could be money, number, date, sex, whatever. I'd rather not be bothered.
I'm from the south too and generally very cordial, but I have an awful mean streak,--takes a while but when it's out, it's out..
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