Continuing Question for the Ladies Week, I received a whole host of questions on various forms of infidelity/cheating/stepping out. I broke those down into three main categories:
- How do you define cheating? Physical act? Emotional? Online chatting? Which is worse?
- If we cheat, will you ever forgive us?
- Why does it seem like a woman cheating on a man is so much worse than a man cheating on a woman?
First let me say… wow. I've been cheated on. I didn't like it. I cheated once. Didn't like that either. Cheating sucks. Everybody loses, 90% of the time people get caught and there's always some drama. But option is simply not to cheat at all. Ever. For any reason. Just walk away. Cannot be any clearer: Cheating bad. Repercussions bad. Staying out of situations like these I just described = good.
Now that that's settled - let me try and address the questions with my best answers. Ladies, I'll expect you to help me out with these.
Answer 1: My definition of cheating isn't everybody's. I'm a bit strict with mine. In my world, cheating is any action (yes any) that threatens the monogamous union predefined by a couple. The physical act is bad, the emotional act is worse. You can almost get your mind around a "heat of moment" one time fling, maybe even an ongoing purely sexual liaison. (I couldn't but maybe someone else could?) But once that person is emotionally attached to someone else… that seems a deeper betrayal to me. That means you took time, effort and emotions promised to me and gave them to someone else. No bueno. Online chatting is not a problem. Online flirting in putting you on shaky ground and online sex talk is cheating. Sorry. No shades of grey.
Answer 2: Will I forgive you if you cheat? Will I forgive you? Yes, my religion says I must. The real question is do I forget and stay with you without punishing you forever? Now THAT really depends on all the circumstances around it. I'm inclined to lean towards hell-to-the-naw. Again, are we together or just kicking it? Are we married or engaged? Do we have kids? A mortgage? How long have we been together? Have we had the "I don't share and I'll kill you if you do" discussion? Are we getting along? Are we in the same city? Was it a one-time thing or were you Tiger Woods-ing it? Did you tell me about it or did I have to hear about it da streetz or catch you in the act? Are you genuinely remorseful about the act or that you got caught? These are the sort of factors that weigh in to my decision to stay in the relationship. Again, one woman's opinion – I'll let the other ladies voice their ideas.
Answer 3: Le Sigh… it seems like a woman cheating on a man is worse because those old traditional gender roles are stuck in our heads. Women are kinder, gentler, nurturing creatures… are we not? Also, according to the mainstream media we can get a man anyhow so the few of us that snagged one shouldn't be messing it up by cheating… yes, that's very tongue-in-cheek. I don't why it's worse. Cheating is cheating… bad is bad.
Ladies, I'm going to ask that you offer up your opinions on these questions so that the gents can get a multi-flavored sampling of our thoughts. Fellas, do share. The floor is yours…
47 comments:
I find it hard to believe that anyone wouldn't know the answer to these questions! But for the record here's my take:
1. Anything that threatens you and me is cheating. It's all terrible.
2. No
3. No difference at all
I think it's interesting that emotional infidelity is worse, how would you know when the line is crossed if not for the physical manifestation?
In my experience a woman may forgive but she never forgets or let you forget either.
For some reason I don't expect a woman to cheat on me so it would be something of a shock.
Well you said it all right here: Cheating sucks. Everybody loses Nuff said.
1) Cheating is anything that you wouldn't do with a good conscience in front of your SO or your mother. (joking..a little) I believe that cheating is up to the couple to define. If you and your SO are ok with a little flirting here and there, then that's the agreement you two have. If it's ever one-sided or the other feels as though a line has been crossed, then that could be considered cheating. The key is knowing and understanding exactly what each person's definition of crossing the line/cheating is.
2) Everyone has the capacity to forgive, some people just choose not to utilize that tool when it comes to being cheated on. Betrayal on any level is difficult to overcome. We are commanded to forgive but we are also taught not to be fools.
3) I think this is the best question asked so far. A woman has to "accept" a man into herself to consummate the relationship and it has been my experience that men, once they have been let in, see it as a claim to territory. If something "belongs" to you and someone else comes in and takes it without your permission, a line has been drawn in the sand, whether you were taking care of it properly or not. I agree with Liselle that there is no difference, but it is definitely precieved as different because we live in a world where backwards double standards still exist, and it's a shame. Wrong is wrong.
So in my marriage, supposedly he didn't cheat physically but he was emotionally absent. He had check out. His mind and heart were on the other side of town while he was physically sharing himself with me. Believe me... that is SO much worse.
Your comments evoke so many responses in my head!!! It would be rude of me to take up more space than I already have, but I will say that emotional infidelity will always be worse because it is a form of rejection. No one, man or woman, wants to be rejected, ever. Physical manifestation or not, when one's affections are snatched away and given to someone else...a secondary party, the pain of that is worse than catching an SO in a purely physical romp. Emotional infidelity is a signal of something much deeper and more rooted in the person being cheated on.
Forgiveness does not equal forgetfulness, but it should to some extent. I do not see the point in reminding the cheater of their inequities. If you can not forget enough to reestablish the relationship, you should just move on.
You must be some kinda man, then. Or maybe you are just really good at picking solid relationship-minded women.
1. When it first became clear that my husband was "The One" - I sat him down and said - As far as other women go, you can look but don't touch. Smile but don't ogle. Lust briefly with your loins never with your heart. If you feel you can't do it, tell me and we're free to go our separate ways... no questions asked. He said the same thing back to me but added that if I lust briefly, I'm to keep it to myself. (This is why I go see Idris Elba movies with the girls. My drool disturbs him).
2. Forgiveness is hard to do because you have to re-learn how to trust. It's one of those things like "I love You" that you can say and not really feel for quite some time afterwards. As Chele said, even if you Do forgive... forgetting and letting that hurt go - it's the one thing I can't teach somebody to do in counseling. They just have to do it.
3. Because women are wives & mothers and are still held to traditional expectations of goodness, sometimes it seems worse when that person betrays you. Logically, it's no better or worse than when a man cheats. Socially, it just seems like it.
Sort of related question... do men forgive a woman who cheats on them?
I think women are far more forgiving than men on this one.
In my experience you are right. I couldn't forgive it. But Lord knows I've been forgiven.
Maybe I haven't had enough tea yet this morning to be fully alert, but those first two questions really read like, "how far can I push you and your limits because I fully plan to do it, but I want you to be okay with it up until the point where you aren't."
Not in 32 years have I seen a man forgive a woman. On the flip? All the time.
I'm on the strict side of the issue because I don't see any excuse acceptable enough for me to be okay with someone cheating. I mean really...what are you going to say that is going to make me believe any remorse or forget it.
I've been cheated on and I am cool till this day with that person because I no longer have any expectations. I am always willing and able to forgive a person BUT that doesn't mean that I have ANY intention or desire to deceive myself or that person into thinking that the commitment love I had for them is not irretrievably broken. Yes, I am giving, loving and nurturing but for ME forgiving you does not mean remaining in the relationship!
In these days and times too many people are contracting things that you can't get rid of or can die from. ALL that is rolling around in my head when I hear something like that (besides causing you physical harm) is the complete lack of LOVE and CONSIDERATION shown for me when you chose to do the deed...s0ooo for me that means I NO LONGER TRUST YOU and also that I need to get a complete check up that includes a full blood panel.
No matter the "degree" of cheating when there is doubt about fidelity... insecurity and instability are sure to follow!!!
Women need to quit trying to be like men. We do shit you can't do. Like hit and quit without getting attached, means nothing to us.
Dang ya'll strict on these cheating definitions. Online sex is not real sex. C'mon now.
There is so damn much wrong with this statement - I don't know where to start. I wish you luck in your relationships.
We need to be honest with ourselves and our spouses.
If youve never Stared marriage in the face and then Stepped out, you have no sense of what that means or entails.
None.
Much as I make a point to not go around comparing childbirth to ___________, I would really encourage those out there speculating to fall back a piece and spend more time listening and less time harrumphing from their rickety soapboxes that stand merely upon what they see other folks go through.
As with anything else, Its Important not to bre
It may start off as virtual, but in time it's going to cross over into the real.
If you're married and playing around online, it's because there is something missing in your "real" situation. And while you may not intend for the virtual playing around to get serious...it always does. Always.
@thinklikeRiley - i co-sign. MOST women can't hit n'quit, while MOST men can. (note i said MOST not ALL).
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should which is a little more to the point of the post?
No. We rarely do.
Question 1 ~ I agree wholeheartedly with OneChele's answer. I've cheated {it was not physical, it was solely emotional} and I've been cheated on. But in both cases, the hurt, the pain and the loss of trust all added up to be a harsh lesson learned and something to be avoided at all costs ever again.
Question 2 ~ I will forgive. But I know that I can't forget. And because I can't forget, that will very soon, if not immediately affect the dynamics of the relationship. So we're done.
Question 3 ~ Cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter who does it. The end result is the same.
Personally - I don't cheat well. I always get caught in some dramatic flammable never to be forgiven or forgotten way. After the last time, I'll just walk away first. As Chele would say - lesson learned. That's all I have to say about that.
Put me down for never.
Complete honesty: My issue is ego. Once I know that she preferred someone to me enough to get naked, I'm all insulted. Can't get past it.
I used to define cheating as anything you wouldn't do with your significant other. I guess I still do, really. But the thing is, I'm skeptical of defining it because I feel like people ask looking for a loophole to get away with something and that's problematic. I think we all know where lines are and we are all acutely aware when we cross them. We go looking for a definition so we can find our loophole and absolve ourselves.
I agree with Chele on emotional being worse. Nothing like feeling like your mate would rather express themselves fully to someone else.
I will forgive you for cheating. I feel like the real question is will you stay in the relationship and all of that depends on things I can't qualify. Do I feel like you're truly sorry? Do I feel like whatever caused the rift that resulted in your cheating can be solved (for example, if you cheated, in part, bc we're in a long distance relationship, can we be closer?). Do I feel like this could happen again? There's a lot of questions I'd be asking myself to ultimately answer whether or not I can stay. I'm wary of someone who will cheat, but I know that when you get involved with someone, you learn who they are underneath whatever mistakes they may make.
I don't think either gender cheating is worse. I think our society has tried to say it's because women will cheat emotionally and for men, sex can be purely physical. Cheating is cheating. Some women cheat purely for the physical and some men cheat only emotionally.
Secretly, I think men percieve women cheating as worse because of the (unfounded) suggestion that there must be something wrong with his sex game...
This is why I like you.
Well the physical part is fleeting and eventually cools, emotional nature never really goes away.
No one forgets, it's whether they can move on that makes it interesting.
You don't expect a woman to cheat on you because it hasn't happened to you (yet). When (if) it does, it changes your viewpoint.
I liked Question 3 the best too. I don't think we look at both sides of that coin often enough.
Well said.
I think women forgive AND forget more easily than men over all. We have to. Biologically, we couldn't go through the pain we go through if you can't bounce back and move on. Lord knows we'd only have one child each ;-) Maybe I'm being too basic. I'm sure someone with tell me...
well alright Derek...
Hmm, Peppa - I don't know about that one.
Does anybody cheat well? You know what... don't answer that.
Women cheating is worse because their is almost always some emotional connection. A man will have sex with a women he hates and finds unattractive simply because of opportunity. There is no emotional connection. Like so many men say....It really doesn't mean anything to us.
A women...even if she is just having sex to get back at her man or for lust sake....she will still select a man she finds attractive. I don't think women are really capable of meaningless sex the way men are.
Most men realize this so it hurts more knowing your women had an emotional and physical affair.
Women drank the Kool-aid on the feminist mystique and now they are alone. So yeah, they sleep around thinking to catch someone with the power of the P! That ain't working either. What's next Ladies?
I don't even understand what you just said!? Huh? Feminist p* power and we're alone? Ninja what?!
unfortunately chele, some folks are very, very good at it.
I actually think online sex is worse because they can have it more often with more people. Online relationships free people's inner skanky.
no one but Riley is in a relationship with Riley. so it will all be fine.
THIS!!!
Merciful Heavens! Only MEN could take a black or white issue like cheating = bad and fidelity= good and make it completely subjective and random. No you cannot cheat in any form or fashion. Neither can I. If we do, we're done. The end.
As for all the swirl below - Of COURSE women can have meaningless sex - half the women who slept with the guys below asking already forgot who you are. Something I would like to do very much.
Then why do it?
How's that working for you?
Chele I pretty much agree with your assessment and I feel like you in so many ways, but as for As for number 3 I think it's worse if a woman cheats on her mate, simply because it is an ego thing.. ("another man has been up in what's mine?") and because men think that they have it " so on lock" and for another man to be able to break through that it is devastating for them. I have seen men who treat their women not so nice and then when she steps out it's like they have slaughtered innocent children.
In the bible it states "if you lust in your heart for other, it is adultery". I think that about covers all three.......
I <3 you, too Derek, for this statement. It's like people no longer have any integrity. This is the main issue I have with men who have so many "options"...yeah, you can exercise all 20 simultaneously, but should you? SMH. Sorry, I digressed...
I agree with your definition of cheating. I can forgive you but it will always remain like a purple stain on your white carpet. You can try to patch it but the damage is done and whenever you look at the point you remember what was there. The question is can you continue after the encounter. I don't know that I can as I have been there with it too many times. If there is true love then I may be able to work through with counseling, my God and a piece of jewelry, lol. I think that when women cheat we put more emotion into it. Women tend to mix sex and emotions together and that's not how men see it. Like Prince said, "...cause you're the kind of person that believes in making out once love 'em and leave 'em fast...". I think I have a lil bit of a mans mentality after being hurt so many times and I crack up every time I hear "Little Red Corvette". I have been cheated on many many many more times than I have as I have done it only once and I regret it to this day. Problem is the man I cheated on him with and I are still friends and I don't think our friendship is going to end anytime soon, so I'll just keep single till the right guy slaps me on the back of the head.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
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