Monday, May 17, 2010

New for the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) Files

It's been a minute since I nominated some S.No.B.-worthy stuff but a few things I have witnessed simply must be put in the files. For those not in the know - from time to time my bougie sensibilities are trampled on mercilessly. These are things that I find So Not Bougie; I feel compelled to call them out. Check this list out and tell me if you agree:

  1. Hey sister-girl in the Whole Foods store last week! What's up!? This here is the Bou-Gie part of town. (capital B, capital G) This here is the Whole Foods Market, not the Piggly-Wiggly. This is PLANO, sweetheart. We don't wear rollers and bathrobes to the grocery store at noon. No we don't, not even over a sports bra and lace leggings. (???) Good look upping your shoe game with the five inch fire engine red suede platform peep toes… really made a statement with the tiger print robe and lavender rollers. I was so very tempted to ask you where you came from and where you were going next. You bought a bottle of sparkling moscato, six-layer chocolate cake, blackened salmon and green beans with almonds from the deli… so maybe it was date night? No excuse ma'am, big scarf and sweats please and thank you.

  2. Dear dude that I am not in contact with and haven't spoken to in months (you know who you are), please don't wake me up with a text message telling me you miss one of my lady-parts. What's that about? What did you seriously think I would have to say about that at 7:12am on a Saturday morning? That's actually quite insulting the more I think about it. You don't miss me but a part of me? Hmm… that clearly lets me know where your priorities lie. You can count on that particular part of me remaining a memory. Oh and by the way: FAIL. And go away.

  3. Random guy yapping about business in the line at the bank: When I ask for your business card and you hand me a Hello Kitty post-it note (cut crookedly with scissors) with your name typewritten (yes, typewritten) on it – that's not acceptable. It's really not. If you don't have business cards (you can get 250 for free at Vistaprint), you should just say "I don't have one with me" and then write your name and number down. That way I never have to look at you sideways for thinking a Hello Kitty post-it is business-appropriate. By the way, sir – what are you doing with Hello Kitty post-it notes anyway?

  4. To the lady I met in the movie theater yesterday. I understand we're in a recession and you didn't want to pay $12.75 for a small popcorn and two sips of Coca-Cola… I really get that. Bringing in the big tote with provisions is actually kind of enterprising. Had you brought a microwave bag of popcorn and a can of coke, I could cosign on that. But do you think it was appropriate to smuggle in a three-piece dinner from Popeye's? With a full-size bottle of Louisiana hot sauce? And a full-size bottle of honey? Plus the entire roll of paper towels? Okay, fine – perhaps you were hungry and wanted to get your grub on and clean up afterwards. But ur, um – the wine bottle? With an extra-long Slurpee straw hanging out? While I appreciated that you offered me "a sip", I have to report you to the S.No.B. Committee. And the slice of pecan pie was over the top. Way over the top.

  5. Last but not least - a special hat tip to you Mr. Criminal Mastermind at the Starbucks. Mr. Clever was apparently feenin' for some bougie coffee. Instead of buying some, he waited until someone's Venti Extra Hot Triple Latte was placed on the counter and tried to grab it and hotfoot out the door. When confronted by the fact that his name was not Mac and the steaming coffee in his hand did not belong to him, he refused to let the Venti cup go. He gripped it so hard that the top popped off, sloshing extra hot coffee down his front apparently landing on his sensitive manly bits. This is a coffee shop sir; there were not one, not two but THREE cops watching the whole thing. When I left (laughing) he had an ice pack pressed to his privates and was whining about a "grave misunderstand". Was it worth it, sir?

That's all I've got for the S.No.B. this time around. Any glaring violations of the Bougie Code you'd like to share? Any thoughts, comments, cackles at these I've named? The floor is yours…

33 comments:

msames said...

OMG...did that lady really take all of that into a movie theatre???? I cannot believe it (lol). I wouldn't have had the nerve to try and take half of that inside. Make arrangements to eat before the movie. Then once you get there you can sit back relax and enjoy the show.

Suzie S said...

For the record, breaking out to the store in the rollers and whatever other get up she had on hasn't been the hotness ever!
LOL at the dude with the post it note... I don't know what to sya about that one

Dr. Peppa said...

I was with old girl until she pulled out the wine bottle with the straw... that's a little too thirsty - BWAHAHA!

ConvertingMe said...

Dying laughing (almost choked on my cup of tea) over the Hello Kitty Postit/business card - typewritten! Is he selling Hello Kitty products?

Not G.I. Joe or Transformers?

There is something very creative about Entre-pro-negroes but dude save up or don't sell yourself until you are ready.

OnlyMe said...

Can. not. breathe! Hello Kitty what? ANd your ignant behind put it in the graphic. Lord help us.

Violet Rose said...

Did you say lace leggings? Was she a hooker with great taste in food? These are hilarity.

Ruth said...

Hello Kitty post-its? :-o Dying here!!!!!! What kind of business was it? I'd give him a pass for anything Japanese pop-culture related, but that seems unlikely...

Nicole Henry said...

the best one for me was Mr. Hot Coffee over his manly parts. I would love to see him explain THAT to his cellmates!!! Bwahahaha!!

Orange Star Happy Hunting said...

Sometimes when your hair is set(rollers) you may have an erran to run, I'll go anywhere in the hood wit my hair set, yes I will, and think nothing about it. Now all up upper NorthWest etc , NO, but on "our" side of town, that doesn't phase me, its beauty in preparation LOL!!!!!!!

but LMAO at this post!

taut_7 said...

wow. that's all i can say. the lady in the movies takes the cake though. smh

Sarah said...

Thank you for some Monday morning humor. My favorite is the guy and the coffee. Now, that could be a scene in a movie or your next book :-)

I Am Me said...

Ouch! Coffee on manly bits... no bueno.
Can you go get old girl in the lace hot pants number? That's classy!

OneChele said...

I'm sad to announce it was supposed to be a Public Relations firm. O__o

OneChele said...

It was like a Mary Poppins bag - just kept going and going!

OneChele said...

You are on your own with that one ;-)

OneChele said...

Not a bad idea, actually...

Eye Candy said...

Old girl was probably getting her only minutes of peace during the day. She escaped to the movies with Popeyes and wine - classic!

missmajestic said...

you know someone told #1 she could pick up a man at whole foods!

sunt97 said...

I would have been on the floor rolling with the guy in the coffee shop. As for the chicken dinner, I have brought in a burger or two in the movies and enjoyed. I can't stand to see people out in head scarves and rollers. Take that ish out and look presentable to the world. And I have had those texts before, what girl hasn't. I usually type back f^&* off.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

L. Michelle said...

*sigh* where do i begin? i had a date with "william" on saturday night...i told him that i wanted to go for an early dinner b/c i had plans to hang with my friends later that night....he agreed. i told him to pick me up between 6:00 and 6:30...at 6:40, i sent him a "where are you?" text..he replied that he was on his way. it takes 20 minutes for him to get to my house...so when he got there at 7:00, i knew that he had just left his house when he said he was on his way.

as he walked up to the door, i could see his feet through the blinds...he had on sneakers...*sigh* i had on some strappy sandals and a cute maxi dress. then i see that he has on jeans, okay..that's fine, we're casual...then i get to the shirt...1. it's wrinkled. 2. it's a phat farm knock-off 3. it's wrinkled. so i say...why are you wrinkled? he goes...oh..uhm..when my girl left she took the iron (uhm...his girl "left" him like 6 months ago)...I said.."I see...." I was angry BUT I was hungry, so I told him to take his shirt off and I would iron it...UGH. As I was ironing the shirt I was lecturing him about not going places wrinkled and I could tell he was getting angry. (OH WELL)...so after I give him his shirt back and we are preparing to leave, he goes..."Can we drive your car?" SCREEEEECH? Huh? Say what now?? Uhm..YOU asked me to go on a date, why do we need to take my car??? He said that it's because his car is having some issues.....now BougieLand listen....I understand car trouble and I understand wanting to take someone out to impress them, but this dude is in the negative now...I told him that I wasn't going to drive my car into Austin (I live 17 miles outside of Austin), then drive back home to bring him back and then go back downtown to hang with my friends...nope nope nope. So I told him he could follow me to the restaurant...he agreed...SO...you can follow me, but you don't want to drive with me...something's fishy there...

We get to the restaurant and for the most part the evening goes okay...I order a drink, meal, and dessert, and he does the same. The bill comes to about $63.00 and he tips $7.00, so I am cool with that. Then we get ready to leave and I tell him that we'll talk later...and I start my journey into downtown for some real fun...then he texts me.."Do you want to spend the night tonight?" Ninja please.

*I* think that he was just trying to get it and that's why he showed up wrinkled to begin b/c he thought we weren't really going anywhere. I know there has to be a decent man out there...I know this :(

Hidi said...

{Crossing fingers...I hope this post. Please, please....}

#1 I don't mind the rollers at all. I 'll take the that over seeing people looking like they literally just roll out of bed (bed shoes design as animals, pjs, bathrobe etc.). Or worst, I saw a woman in a ill fitted two piece bathing suit with camel toe shorts walking into the grocery store. I shook my head. I just don't understand.

#3 All he could have said "I don't have any business cards on me". that's it. Hello Kitty post it notes. LOL

#4 Sigh. Listen lady, I bring food to the movie theatre too but there is thing called subtly. Do you have to be really obvious? Straw in wine bottle, large roll of paper towel and in a BIG tote. Geesh. Keep it subtle.

JaymeC said...

Lord, he didn't know who he was with. Dinner date in sneakers and jeans? Only if we've predefined it as "casual" - wrinkled - no excuse. His ex took the iron? Come on, son! Step your game up. Was this first date with the spend the night text? Ugh.

There's a good one (who knows how to act) out there.

L. Michelle said...

Girl, my thing is, you can get an iron from WAL-MART for $6.00!!!!! I said..so...you go to work wrinkled everyday? He said..no...I just haven't worn this shirt in a while...

So during dinner, I tell him..."Listen...please don't ever show up at my house again to take me somewhere and be wrinkled, that's unacceptable. I know a lot of people and you already know where I work (for a very high up elected official) and I am already the token and I can't be out with someone that's going to look any kind of way...blah...blah...blah..." to which he goes, "Well sorry that you are embarrased to be with me." My face: :-|

I don't have time for "woe is me" men...I just can't.

This wasn't the first "date" but this is the first time that he was coming to pick me up. We've met for happy hour and dinner before but I at least thought that he would try to step up his game since this was an actual date night...

...and the text...for that I have no words. LOL. My response to him was, "No, I have church in the morning"...a real playa would have been like, "I know, I was going to join you.." LOL

soulsistah02 said...

Speaking of rollers...

I attend one of the largest, most upwardly mobile Black Baptist churches in my state. It's the church of choice for up-and-coming Black politicians, Black entrepenuers, yadda yadda yadda...real bouge. (But don't let the smooth taste fool you because we can stomp and shout with the best of them when the Holy Ghost starts to move...okay?! LOL!)

Given the caliber of folks that regularly attend Sunday service, can you please tell me why one of the regular members, who ALWAYS wear sweatsuits to church and fingerwaves, thought it would be appropriate to come into Sunday service with PINK ROLLERS in the back of her head?! She had some kind of fingerwave front, shag, yabba dabba 'do goin' on. It was no bueno! What made matters worse she deliberately moved to the front of the church (and gave her offering last) so everyone could see her pink sponge rollers. My sister, friends and me fell out about this woman's sad and pathetic display. The pastor literally did a double-take while preaching...it was pure jokes! And it was S.No.B.

OneChele said...

I know Jesus says "come as you are" but come on Sister Yabba Dabba... that ain't right.

soulsistah02 said...

Wow. That's unfortunate.

Sadly, this is added proof that Black men and women need to attend classes on how to date and court each other. I've been on dates where I was asked out, but the brother wanted to go dutch! That's cool if it was discussed prior to our meeting, but not after the check has arrived to the table! I've also been on dates where the brother refused to open doors for me because I wasn't wearing a dress or skirt. He was trying to cite some historical text, but I'm thinking he was trying to get his voyeurism on. Really?! SMH

baileyqc said...

*snickers*

maureen palmer said...

True story, ok, it is not a Bougie Church by any stretch of imagination. A friend invited me to a popular church in Baltimore; and at some point folks went to the pulpit for prayers(my catholic self was confused, i digress). A lady in white linen pants and white top, lime underwear and red underwear strudded herself infront. Apparently a lot of women in that church tries to get pastor's attention. Now that is doing to much and to qoute Chele "le sigh"

Lisalis said...

The first thing I thought after reading this post was, "Poor OneChele. Why does this kind of stuff keep happening to her?" Of course, I benefit because this was hilarious, but you've taken "taking one for the team" to a whole new level. The "Hello Kitty", the pecan pie, the rollers...too much.

Do you have some kind of "not so bougie" magnet or does the universe know you've got a readership to entertain? Keep it up and keep it bougie!

YardieChicie said...

Hello Kitty post-it notes as business cards? Lord, take me now.

That was a full Sunday dinner she smuggled into the theatre. In fact, I would have been pissed by the scent of her food making me too hungry for popcorn.

As for Mr. Grand Theft Wanna-be: I call that karma at work. And I hope he was made to pay for the real customer's replacement cup of coffee.

Kim said...

I don't mean to be critical but just curious... why do you mention that you're ok with your date tipping the waiter poorly? I hear that by watching how your date treats people around him, you'll learn about how he'll treat you in 5, 10, 20 years. IMHO a bad tip is a huge red flag.

L. Michelle said...

Sorry to take so long to respond to this, I just saw all of the replies to my comment! LOL
Sadly, I have dismissed him from my life, tooo many issues.

No, this wasn't the first date, this was the second date (first was us meeting at the restaurant after work and he was way more acceptable).

I am still praying for my knight in shining armor!

L. Michelle said...

I felt that $7.00 was sufficient for the level of service that we received that night. I know that standard is 15-18%, but for me, if the service was just mediocre, my tip amount is 10%.

If the tip was the only red flag this dude had, we could have worked on that. His red flags were enough to cover a small third world country.

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