Today - a guest post. Please join me in welcoming back @WriterChanelle from http://totherefromhere.wordpress.com. She has written an open letter to the fellas. Check it out and show some love.
Dear Heterosexual Man,
There are throngs of women who are growing tired of your antics. Now, I know all of you are not part of the "I'm gonna do my dirt in the dark because it won't come to light" crew, so where are you? And, why aren't you stepping up? Where are the men who believe in marriage and want to get married as much as women do? Is it just a woman thing? Do men even like women anymore?
Illustrating my point with a video: This is the restaurant scene in HITCH where Alex Hitchens meets up with a guy (Vance Munson) who requires his services. Only this guy likes to use women for one thing. Hitch tells him that 'hit it and quit it' is not his thing.
Do men even want to have women around, or are we just a necessary evil? Can you really consider us friends? I know we can't have the same type of friendship you have with your boys. I don't want us to have the type of friendship I have with my girls; but, can we have something close to it? Can we actually go out in public together without you being afraid of the word "together" and what it might signify? Are you so entirely ruled by your penis that you cannot see beyond a woman's sexual potential to her companionship potential? Can you see beyond the corporeal to the mental without an ulterior motive?
There is something to be said for nice guys and their mature thought processes. The reason nice guys are always just a friend is because they do not try to be anything but a friend. Yes, a woman wants a man who will respect her as a person, confide in her, call her, and meet her to hang out in person; but, if you're doing all of this in addition to getting a vibe from her that she is interested in being more than friends, and you don't pursue it, she will move on (a.k.a settle for) to the "not so dreamy but at least he showed initiative" guy.
Are you confused? Let me clarify. If you're trying to find a good woman, do not lead her to believe you are the kind to cheat on her for five years of your six year marriage. If you're in that stage where you need to be alone to discover yourself, don't ignore women, make them your friend. And be a real friend. Don't cancel meet-ups then text a couple days later from whatever place you found the time to go to. And, lastly, call us. Don't just text. Even if the conversation lasts for ten minutes, it's nice to hear a man's voice every once in a while. If you're tired of being the nice guy, then change your methods not the niceness. Don't stop being a nice guy. Believe me. The real women are tired of bad boys. If you never get the girl, be aware of the signals your female friend is showing and be the aggressor. She wants you to do it.
Just askin',
Chanelle
Alright BougieLand, it's your turn to weigh in. Do men even like women anymore? Are they feeling us? Fellas, are you checking for us wanting something real? For that matter, are the ladies even wanting to be bothered? What's even going on out there? Let's hear your thoughts… the floor is yours.
27 comments:
::applause::
I remember overhearing a dear friend of mine complain that nice guys always finish last. "Women only only want the bad guys, they never want me..."
He wasn't talking to me, so I stayed out of it but as I began thinking about the types of girls he typically went after, I had his problem pegged from jump. I won't pretend that there aren't women out there who have this fault, but I see so many men go after women who are very shallow (usually also very beautiful) and they don't understand why she wasn't interested in him (and then turn that on ALL women).
Sometimes you gotta ask yourself what you may or may not be doing wrong.
Oh and guys are good for putting girls into the friend zone, too -- let that be known as well.
I can't speak for all heterosexual men... but I find women delightful. Extraordinarily so. If anything I've gotten the impression lately that we are the "necessary evil" for you? I consider myself a nice guy but not so nice that I get rolled over.
Not sure that answered your question...
I guess we don't want this to dissolve into a how many nice guys vs good girls are really out there?
Generally, I put a woman in the friend zone if 1) I'm not that attracted to her physically 2) She put me there first or 3) It's a holding zone until I call her up to play in the bigs. IF you are a in the friend zone and want to step up - say so, chances are that's a safe gamble or at the very least - you'd know where you stood.
Personally, I'm not entitled to be bothered right now though I expect that will change. I, like Chele, could probably be coaxed out of my man-break by the right person ;-)
Far too often people blame others for failed relationships instead of the people they see in the mirror everyday.
I'm a nice guy and I got the girl. That is all...
Dear Women,
I just might be your biggest fan. I think you all are the best thing since sliced bread. Give me a little time and I'll be more than happy to show you how I feel about you.
Your Friend Til The End,
Leon X
I'm confused by the post - which antics of ours are you fed up with? What do you mean "do not lead her to believe you are the kind to cheat on her for five years of your six year marriage"? And are you seriously saying you want us to be nice but not too nice? Aggressive but not too aggressive?
Men still like women, women still like men - that's the easy part. Finding Girl A who likes Guy A without any B or C getting in the way... that's the hard part.
Being nice alone is great and all, but attraction, chemistry compatibility etc is alot more complicated than that, nice and what?????? Nice isn't gonna get it by itself LOL SMH
Short answer to long question: YES
The fact is, despite the hype most men like women. Most are in loving nurturing relationships if they so desire. This doesn't make for good blog copy and you won't see it on Nightline but it is true. I often wonder about the age group of the writer of a piece like this and the men they are encountering. Men come to relationships through maturity and it usually comes later then it does to women IMHO. Sometimes it is about putting too much energy into someone who doesn't want what you want while the guy who is ready and willing is overlooked.
I have said it before and will say it again here, there is a reason men are seldom heard complaining about the state of relationships today. When a man is interested in being in a relationship or getting married he does it. End. Of. Story.
I don't really have anything to add, except that I just want to hug the men on here today (in a nice, friendly churchy way). You all are really on point.
And I agree with Chanelle, phone calls are nice. I think we're so socially mediaized (I don't think that's a word, but oh well) that we begin to think Facebook, text and Twitter conversations are sufficient when they really aren't.
Dear Chanelle
so if i have this straight...men are either jerks, nice guys, or invisible...
you don't want to date jerks...
nice guys are good enough for friends, nothing more...because they don't give you that...*insert the term here* (i'm sure there has been a blog post done on this somewhere)
and invisible guys, are...well..invisible.
Well, i dunno what to tell you. You'll see what you want to see.
as a nice, shy guy, i apologize on behalf of my fellow shy brethren...we didn't get the 101 course on reading women's hints..we didn't take the 202 grad course on properly being something else to acquire relationships...we'll get on that asap.
In the meantime, i would give logical advice..such as "date a nice guy", or "ask your *single* male friend how they really feel about you"...but that would be...
"logicial"
best of luck to ya,
-Peter Parker
I think there must be a sad story behind the letter. It would appear that my version of a mid-life crisis involves recycling through my brain all the times in my life I have wasted days, months, and even years fussing, worrying, being unhappy, and all that. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to let go. Go outside and breath in deeply the fresh air. I think everybody knows somewhere inside that the only person that can let you be happy is you. And I think part of it is forgiving all those who have somehow contributed to unhappiness to your life. People are complicated and sometimes impossible, but that is just how it is.
Anyway, that is my 2 cents. I will share my happy moment for the day. It is sunny, windy, and cool here. When I was running this morning, a momma mallard with probably a dozen little baby mallards walked across the sidewalk on their way into the marshy area in the park. I wish I had my camera. For some reason, it made me think of the children's story about the old woman who lived in a shoe. Couldn't help but smile.
straight forward answer, I (we) like women, love women, are sometimes confused by women, but overall down for women.
Good answer.
LOL at friendly, churchy hugs...
Ummm...that was a little rude, Mr. Nice Guy. I was actually advocating for the nice guys in this post. You, sir, don't seem like a nice guy.
I'm simply asking the question do men like having women as a companion, a friend, someone to hang out with that they're not sleeping with? Of course men like women sexually and romantically. That's not what I asked.
Yes this is coming from personal experiences of my own and of other women that I know. This is not some phenomenon that happens only to me.
As I stated in the post, it would be easier to date nice guys if they made the move to take themselves out of the friend zone. Have I dated nice guys? Absolutely. They asked *me* out. Maybe I shouldn't be so old-fashioned and insist that the guy step up, or maybe men should be a little less modern. The point is that men decide when they want to be in a relationship. Why should I have to ask?
The antics that I'm tired of are not stepping up when you are interested, claiming you want a good woman but cheating on her after you get married, never calling to talk on the phone, and not being interested in going out with a woman unless you're going to "get some" later.
That's exactly what I'm saying. For example...Nice = calling to talk. Too nice = calling ten times a day to talk. Aggressive = saying I like you. I'd be interested in being more than friends. Too aggressive = that dude that Chele left standing alone in the parking lot
I do. Matter of fact, I have one of those types of female friends whose house I go to. I don't try anything or expect anything other than a good, non-touchy time. We do esixt out there, hon.
Interesting perspective. The women I know don't consider men a necessary evil. I believe the women who do are looking solely for sexual pleasure or a baby that doesn't come from a sperm bank.
When women are in this friend zone, do you call them? Do you check to see how they are doing? Do you go out for dinner or drinks?
Applause to you!
And what would this right person have to do to coax you out of the break?
Dear Miss Channelle...
i do not see where i was rude, but if you think that i seem like one...so be it.
i personally do not see how you were advocating for 'nice guys'...it seemed like you were advocating for more guys to be friend-like, and 'nice'.
but this is just my personal opinion, which only represents my viewpoint.
*swings away*
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