By now, you probably heard the infamous story from Nightline Face/Off where it was revealed that Sherri Shepherd met Hill Harper years ago at a Taco Bell and blew him off. And shame on her for not recognizing the potential and hustle in a bus-pass-totin' 99-cent-taco eatin' brother with a cute smile. Um-hmm. Let me get to the point.
This week is Questions for the Ladies week and I received a whole flurry of self-righteous, indignant questions about why sisters can't SEE the potential in a brother. Matter of fact, one dude wrote in all caps, wouldn't it be fair to say that we (the sisters) would not know a "good man" if he came up and smacked us in the face with a letter of reference signed and sealed by Barack and Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou and Jesus Christ put together. Setting aside the improbability of any man possessing such a letter (but if you do, holla at me) and setting aside the fact that a "good man" would not have smacked us in the face with anything… let me say – let's get ready to rumble.
I have to preface my responses by reminding the readership that this here is the Black 'n BOUGIE blog. Not Black 'n On the Corner of the Block, not Black 'n In Yo Mama's Basement, not Black 'n Still Aspiring to Rap at age 40. No sir… this is Black 'n Bougie. If that makes me stuck up and siddity in your eyes, alrighty then. So no, I may not see your potential immediately if you're not in the geographic location or exterior packaging that I'm used to. Doesn't mean I won't see it… means I don't see it at a glance.
Next – Hill Harper is the Bougie Mascot. His parents are doctors and old boy is triple (yes triple) degreed. He has multiple revenue streams, a retirement plan and the ear of movers & shakers nationwide. Okay? Don't play us like the next Hill Harper is hanging out at every Taco Bell waiting on the hook-up. Sherri's flaw was that she didn't ask the first five Bougie Screening questions: Where are you from? Who are your people? What do you do? Why are you doing it? What's next for you? Guarantee if she'd heard the answers to those questions, she'd have hopped on the LA Metro bus right beside him and rolled out.
Today's Questions for the Ladies – Would you recognize potential in a man? Do we know what a "good man" looks like?
Answer 1 ~ Some of us would, some of us wouldn't. The broader issue being… how long would a woman wait on potential? I, for example, am over 35. The men I meet should be on the path of their chosen life plan. If they were sidetracked, they need to have another plan in place. It's not going to be a comfortable situation for me to date a 40 y/o who is still finding himself, living on someone's couch, or has no clue how to be a grown up. Someone needed to catch me in my 20s for all that. A woman in her twenties will no doubt have more tolerance for the lack of life plan than I do.
Answer 2 ~ Every woman is going to have a different definition of what a "good man" is. Sure we'll agree on the four cornerstones: Considerate, caring, compassionate and capable of honesty. That's just a foundation. Others are going to want to add in things that they need – some women may need a supportive man, a Christian man, a protective man, the list is endless. But if the question is do we know if someone is "good for us" right off the bat? The only answer I have for you is… some do and some don't.
Let me share a recent BougieTale:
For the record, I have NO issue with men who work with their hands. Honest hard day's work with the sweat of his brow, putting his back into it… um, let me leave that analogy right there. The point is… I've always considered myself an equal opportunity dater. When I said this out loud to a group of close friends, they fell out (one literally on the floor trying not to pee her pants) with laughter. "Sure you believe in equal opportunity – if his bank balance, resume, height and personality equal what you're used to." Le Boo to them. Just Le Freakin' Boo. For those of you who have hung out in BougieLand, I have chronicled (sometimes in painful detail) my attempts at dating "outside the box."
By outside the box, I refer to that which is not my norm or my comfort level. Some folks call it a "wheelhouse". Anyway, I tweeted a few weeks back about the Terminix man giving me his phone number. Yes, literally the dude who came to the door to spray for spiders. As he was leaving he handed me the invoice and then handed me a business card and let me know he'd be interested in seeing me on a personal level. He caught me completely off-guard but he was well-spoken and gorgeous (I'm talking fyyine) so I said why not. I received 19 tweets back telling me to give the Terminix man a shot. One from none other than Mr. Harper himself asking if dude seemed ambitious. I agreed to at least call and find out the basics. I called him the next day, it was a nice conversation. Lots of light-hearted back and forth. I did some minor interrogatory work and agreed to meet him for coffee that weekend.
We met for coffee and I'm not sure what happened to the guy I chatted with on the phone. The guy seated across from me talked about the principles of extermination for 40 minutes straight. Granted he looked real purdy while he talked but he was still going in on the intricacies of depopulating a termite colony. Believe me, I tried to steer the conversation in other directions but what even my best segue from wasps' nests to "What do you watch on TV?" started this dude on a tangent about "Billy the Exterminator" on A&E. I have no snappy, witty repartee after you tell a story about Billy chasing rats. I got nothing.
YET AND STILL! I knew that he was better than that. He had been better than that on the phone. I assumed he got nervous, wasn't a good first date guy and so when he asked me to the movies a few days later, I said "Sure." This guy had to be more than beautiful smiles, bulging biceps and bugs. He just had to be…
Long story short – he's great on the phone. On the phone he was expressive and funny, able to articulate plans and dreams, tell jokes, swap anecdotes. In person – nothing. I've never seen anything like it. Made me wonder if there was a twin answering the calls and a different twin coming out on dates. When I asked him about it he said he sometimes had a problem being himself. I think this guy could be great for someone. I don't know if it's me. I need the face-to-face sizzle/sparkle/zing. I don't know if he'll get that way with time and ease or what. Truthfully, I don't know what to do with that. And until I do, he's a phone pal.
I tell this BougieTale to say… potential is just that. It'll only get you so far and then you need to deliver. You may be a "good man" that doesn't necessary make you good for me. So all the semi-bitter "why don't you women recognize" rants I received?? To this I say, you haven't found the right woman yet. There is a woman who will think you are the hottest thing smoking and she won't know how she ever lived without you? You only need one… right?
I don't know, maybe some women don't know a "good man" when they see one… but they can surely spot a really bad one a mile away. Let me also send a stern side-eye to the ladies talking about "I just want a good man" – no, you don't. Quit saying that. If that's "all" you wanted, you'd be 10 years into marriage to whatshisname down the block who smiled at you in high school. Let's just put the notion that a "good man" is all we want.
And on that note, BougieLand:
Fellas, are women not seeing your potential? If not, why not? Do you consider yourself to be a "good man"? What is the best quality about you that screams "I'm good"?
Ladies, how much patience do you have for potential? Ambition in progress? Hustle on the come up? Name a few characteristics you would hope to find in a "good man".
We're going in! The floor is yours…
77 comments:
i'm hesitant to weigh in, but i'll share a bougietale of my own
my best friend is everything women say they want in a man. he has all four cornerstones, quite bougie, loves kids, thinks father is the greatest title a man can carry, loves the arts, loves culture, loves to travel, generous, confident, smart, keeps a job (and several hustles on the side), takes care of his mama, articulate, and overall is a good man. yet, he is single. why? cause he doesn't have a degree. there is a story why he left college that would make your heart swoon. but sistas not feeling him.
don't get me wrong, he ain't perfect but i don't understand why he is single. he is doing exactly what he wants to do and loves his career. i just don't get it.
Women see what you show them. All I need is an opportunity, I got it from there. What about me says I'm good? Everything. :)
No old boy did NOT talk about termites on a date... no he didn't.
Women are seeing my potential, it's other stuff they're not liking. I'm a "good man" in the making. Apparently with a long way to go.
Potential as far as? Career-wise I'm good. Pretty much arrived at where I want to be. The "good man" stuff? Comes and goes. Focused (sometimes), financially secure, doggish days behind me, funny, faithful but my follow-through... needs work. Extremely commitment-phobic right now.
Either the guys who read your blog are the most evolved group ever or they are proficient at dishing the bullshit.
*cowering in a corner because I'm one of the people that insisted Chele give Mr. Terminix a chance* Nothing wrong with a good phone buddy, lol.
I have the patience of Job, but I'm not stupid either. You're working towards something with a realistically attainable goal in sight? Fine. I'm with you all the way. If you're 40 and you think you can be the next Jay-Z, umm, no.
Good man characteristics (for me) - Someone that actually listens when I'm talking; is up on current events (you know, because I want to talk about something other than Sports Center occasionally); understands that my independent spirit doesn't mean I don't need you, it just means that I'm used to relying on myself but if you're willing to step up and let me lean on you, I'd gladly welcome it.
LOL!! Probably somewhere in the middle.
I like your confidence Troy. You seem to talk a good game. If your still looking for an opportunity to showcase your goodness let me know.
Hey Foxy Brown... I'm a sista that has been put in the same box, but yet I have been in corporate america for 15 years making good money WITHOUT a degree. Send me his info, I'll be willing to try him out. =P
We all told Chele to give dude a shout-out. How could we know how seriously he took his chosen profession. Ha! Sorry Chele!
I find I don't have the patience of Job or Job's third cousin. Brother needs to step to me with something to show for his time on this planet besides bedroom game, a smile a few smooth lines.
A good man talks it and walks it into existence.
I have to agree that for those brothers that are saying a woman doesn't recognize them as a "good man" are apparently chasing the wrong women - and this goes for both sides. The person you are meant to be with will recognize the good in you, even if it doesn't come in a shiny package.
I am double degreed and gainfully employed yet that doesn't preclude me dating the electrician or the up and coming television producer - I recognize a dude's hustle and I can respect that even if it isn't the same as mine.
Ultimately the proof is in the pudding - potential cant just stay potential...it has to be actualized at some point. Even if you cant determine that in the 5 first questions, it eventually becomes abundantly clear. And as you get older and more "future minded" these things become more important.
While in grad school in my 20s I dated an "aspiring artist" that waited tables. I saw his potential, however, as time went on it became more and more apparent that he really had no motivation to actually realize that potential. Although we had a good relationship and I know he really cared about me, I knew there was no future there and had to move on. Its like 10 years later and he's still where I left him...I'd say that was a good call.
I was thinking that SAME THING!
This right here, Brown Babe! Why did I spend 2 and a half years on dude talking about what he was going to do and his hustle. He was washing dishes at IHOP, now he's serving food there. Never got the degree he kept talking about, still living with his cousin (for free).
Potential is great when you act on it. Otherwise you just a lazy ninja with a dream and flapping lips.
Seriously what do you ladies expect. Do you really think bruhs gonna come on here and say I lie, steal and cheat but one day I won't?
A woman that honest about her flaws is refreshing and endearing, a man who says it just tipped his hand.
I mean I'm a good man right until I'm not.
By the way - I'm cracking up at the taco-eatin' Pookies and Ray-Nays...
Lol, I think the patience has come with age and just watching the couples I know. I have an aunt and uncle that got married at 18 and 19. She cleaned hotel rooms & he did odd jobs. She decided to go to college in her 20s, got her bachelor's and master's and went on to teach & become a principal. My uncle continued to work odd jobs to support his family while she did her thing. When she was done, he got his certificate in legal studies and worked at the juvenile detention center for over 30 plus years.
My aunt always made more money than him, but they always fit together like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. I don't know that either of them were really blinging with potential when they married, but with patience they worked it out. They celebrated 57 years of marriage on Christmas Eve.
Because of them and other family members in enduring marriages, I don't get caught up in who does what for a living or who is bringing in more money. The question is really can you bring some balance to my life and vice versa. Do my strengths compliment your weaknesses, etc.
Exactly - it's not about the money. It really, really isn't. I can earn some, you can earn some and we hope that covers what we need to survive. More than that, how about a man as a helpmate, a man with purpose, a man who uplifts me and helps me be the best me so I can do that in return for him. It's about enhancing each others' world, not playing mind and power games. Don't get me started, we'll be here all day and night.
Good post, Chele.
Unfortunately at my age (mid 40's) my patience for potential is short, so if I run into the (in Martin's voice... Imma 'bout to BLOW UP!) at the same age as I am or older (and yes, I have met some) I tend to pass.. I think a good man has all the four cornerstones and then some. He doesn't have to have a degree (now days even degree's can't get jobs), but if he is can hold an intelligent ADULT conversation, witty, respectful of not just women but all people, can think outside the box, and genuine. I consider them to be good men.
I have been the "good man" for a couple of years now. It's a title I do not like nor I asked for. Too nebulous for me. A "good man" means too many things for too many people. Potential is kind of like faith and faith without works is dead. Fellas, and I say this with love, if you're of a certain age and you're still bellyaching about being a "good man" and women aren't checking for you, please take off the skirt.
Well, at least you spoke your truth. (That's a phrase we bougie folks use to indicate confusion about your lack of clarity)
Just seems to me that I always ALWAYS end up with the guys who want to be Hill but are really taco-eatin' Ray-Nays, Pookies and dem. Clearly, I need to step my screening process up. Chele - you gotta full bougie questionnaire?
For starters, everybody knows you need 3-white people to cosign anything to make it legit. So a letter of reference from the Obamas, Maya Angelou and Jesus isn't QUIIIIIIIIITE enough. But thanks for trying.
I feel like these questions are really digging at something deeper. I don't feel like these questions are what men really want to know about black women. I feel like these questions are superficial and either meant to illicit the obvious answer or scratch at the surface of a deeper issue. Of COURSE we can see the potential in a man. Well, some of us. Like, Michelle Obama or Ruby Dee or my aunt Barbara. I mean, yes, we are out there. I don't believe men don't know that. I don't believe for one second that any man who asks that question doesn't know the answer. Because every man who asks this, has at least ONE friend who's wife/girlfriend/long-term mate saw the potential. So, tell me what you really wanna know.
Do you really wanna know why the women you pursue don't see the potential? Well, I don't know, but I would surely suggest you ask yourself what type of women you're going after. Unfortunately, some women just aren't groomed to see anything but what you present. And if all you got are some ideas and dreams and in a few years.... well some women can't help you. Their loss. So why don't you find someone who can see the potential? This whole dating thing is not easy and requires some work (oh, the horror). Sometimes that may mean that a woman you're really feeling is too stupid to get on the bus.
Ya'll remember the story Chele told last week (maybe the week before) about her friend who married 50-11 men, stayed fly but ended up alone? Yeah, well... eventually chickens come home to roost and even the most shallow woman wakes up one morning and realizes she screwed up. Or how about the woman Chele told us about who was relentlessly pursued by a man with potential and she passed him up for the bad boy. He married a white woman and she... well was by herself. Yes. Those types of women are out there, but this blog shows that for everyone of them there's about 3-4 of us other types.
Come on over to this side, guys. It's warmer and friendlier.
Men who shovel shit well get the girls. Proven fact. You can't be surprised by this.
You know what screams "I'm good"? I'm reading this and not calling you out. How bad could the brother's discussion game have been? You were looking for an excuse not be down witht he bug man and you found it. No need to ask like you did him a favor in the first place.
While I was home for Christmas, I ran into a guy who dated my high-school BFF. He's still fine, super accomplished (as we always knew he would be), nice, thoughtful... you know, all that stuff we say we want.
And the man is single as single can be.
Now there's 3,000 possible answers for this, but it really had my mind going. Like what's going on in America when this black man is single??
You may ask why I didn't get on that. Trust me, if he didn't live in NYC and I wasn't headed back South, I totes would've. Former friendships be damned.
this is a pretty good post. kudos.
"Fellas, are women not seeing your potential? If not, why not? Do you consider yourself to be a "good man"? What is the best quality about you that screams "I'm good"?"
let me say that there are women out there that recognize potential. one recognized the potential in me. on the outside looking in one could say that since i'm 28 (will be 29 this year), i make less thank 25K/year and i drive an accord that was made when i was still in high school that i probably don't have much potential. see, she saw what she liked asked the right questions which you mentioned and found out that i'm "good".
i'll have my PhD in Cancer Biology this year, i have aspirations of attaining my law degree. true i don't come from wealth and higher education doesn't run rampant through my family but i'm not some bum that's waiting for a handout. i love the fact that she loves my personality, manners, physical features, etc. more than my earning potential. i personally think i'm a good man. just looking at me you probably couldn't tell. *shrug*
question i have for you is when are you going to do the how to recognize "potential" in a good woman blog?
cool, send me an email and i'll send his info along. i called him first. atlfoxy@yahoo.com
So um... you decided to call me out anyway? I see you, FBM - I see you.
Hill Harper?
"They aren't Tacos...they are TOR-TAA-DAS" *lil man side eye*
good points...i had my kevlar on, and practice my matrix moves, i thought you were gonna take more shots, lol
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see my potential? nope, very few do. and that's what i expect. i used to think that women would give me a shot, but now, i've lost that expectation. women want the final package, and if that's their preference, that's all good. so for now, i stay off the grid, and when i have something to show 'success'...i guess i'll come around :)
i used to see myself as a 'good man'...but then, in a sense, i saw myself as trying to look down on others...because i'm "good"..because i show respect, because i do things legally...because i don't have a record/rap sheet/babymamadrama...but then...a lot of guys are like that. so now, i don't worry about being a 'good man' (by women's standards). i just guide myself by what i've been taught.
seriously you've never heard of hill harper? google?
For me, the bigger question is: If you have so much potential and expect me to see it, why don't you have action?
I mean if a man is 35 and he's still floating in potential waters, why the heck hasn't he paddled himself over into Do-Something-Land? Does he want me to believe in him more than he believes in himself? Uh if so, I'm not his mother. I make assessments on the here and now and not on what may happen in the future. Hope doesn't keep me interested.
Black love will forever be doomed unless we stop buying into, and perpetuating the need to qualify a a black man (or woman), as being "good". We've constructed these frames because we've bought into the negative stereotype which casts black people into a negative light. Not trying to be redundant, but though a hard habit to break, it is something we should work on debunking. What's sad is that the brother who works with his hands has to be used (in this instance) as a model of Bouge-Aversion, or as a man who's "potential" should be questioned. Anybody gave any thought to the fact that he may just love his job?
But later for all of my conscious Negro talk.
You wanna talk about a good man who wouldn't get no play? Or a good man whose potential would have never been seen by today's sister? Y'all might think it's funny, but Harpo was that dude. I'm willing to bet that even today Harpo would gets no love in and outside of BougieLand (yep, not even in the hood).
seriously, i know who Hill Harper is..Google also.
I think you and Chele have said the realest things about the inherent shiggity of calling someone "good" - I suspect that's why she air-quoted it. It's great to have the blogosphere to get an idea of what our peers (bougie or not) are thinking.
trust and believe, if i wasn't gay i would have snatched up my boy long time ago...
Harpo who?
I was pulling for the Terminix man too. However, I didn't know he had bugs on the brain....LOL
Like attracts like. The taco eatin' folks probably don't read this blog.
Friend of mine just divorced her husband (she's an idiot). Nice guy, gorgeous, put up with all her shiggity. Serial monogamist. He had one girlfriend in high school, one in college, one in grad school and then her.
Last week she sent out an email saying she was revoking girlfriend rules and he was up for grabs... as far as she was concerned we could have him. Women descended on that man like lions tracking one gazelle at the watering hole.
I'll just lay back in the cut and bide time - ;-)
I love a bougie hook-up ;-)
I suppose Google Ads thinks it's cute to be showing a Terminix ad on my site today. :-/ #notamused
There is some irony for ya....LOL
Is Hill Harper REALLY into women solely??
Anyway a guy can be a good man, doesn't mean he has all those intangibles that would make me attracted to him which in turn doesn't mean I can't recognize a good man LOL SMH..you have to be attracted to the person. no matter how good of a person they are, if you ain't attracted it really doesn't matter does it??? Same thing with the word "nice" LOL
The same Harpo that tried to boss Sophia around? What does he have to do with the price of tea in China? I'm conphuckled.
I think it's a sign that Chele should give him another chance. Perhaps he was so stunned by her beauty that he couldn't get his thoughts straight in person so he stayed with a safe subject.
"Harpo tried to be beat me", that Harpo? o_O
I was looking for a guy that had a good family background (no broken homes pls, I have a psych degree, but I will not be counseling you) , stability, a solid education, and a hustle mentality. Let's be real, you can have a degree and still be sorry as hell if you do not know how to hustle and make things happen vs waiting on someone to hand it to you. I have seen several down and out lawyers and depressed doctors. A title really does not mean a thing and everyone knows if you are working for someone else, you are still in the rat race . So why even stress a title?
As far as hanging in there for potential, I think it is up to the individual on how much time you want to invest in someone.
If you just want a man, you will sit by a guy who is an obvious loser and try to mold him into Prince Charming. A waste of time. However, if you meet someone that makes you happy emotionally and spiritually and you are willing to go on a journey with him and vice versa, go for it. I didn't get married until I was 32 and thank god I waited. I was in past relationships where I thought if I prayed really hard, he would change. Wrong. I have girlfriends that married just for his title (or potential title) out of college, they are divorced now.
When the money, title, or status disappears, will you still love who he is?
How much patience do you have for potential? Ambition in progress? Hustle on the come up? I have enough to a certain extent. Patience is my virtue (I'm working on it). Like someone said, if you don't act on that ambition, then it becomes a BIG problem. :)
Characteristics found in a "good man": there is no such thing as a "good man" or "good woman". At the end of the day, if you find someone you can vibe with that is great. This is what really matters because no one is perfect. We all have flaws.
(I am typing this as I am CRACKING UP at the Terminix 'get a quote now' button on the side of the screen) FreeBlackMan hit on what I was thinking. We (not you) as women are SO into our whole dis/qualifying role that we end up seeing what we thought that we would in the first place. The same way that this guy is into bugs, my guy is into track. That is not his profession, but if you let that joker get to talking, he will talk a hole in your head about the topic to the point that you wonder what just happened. That is passion... and while we may raise our brow and wonder if it could really be that serious, I am so happy/impressed/enthused that you are dealing with someone who is the master of his craft! Not talking about Madden, the next pair of sneakers, how excited he is that Gucci got out of jail this morning... This means that when he gets up to go to work, he's excited and enthused. He knows that he is walking in his gift and making his contribution on the world. Think about what type of work ethic he could teach his kids??? Yeah, game was cute when we were young. Enchant me with your witty comebacks and way of words. But, as we are figuring this whole thing out, I think that we need to be excited that we have someone in our lives who is who he is, unapologetically, has that swagga about him (oh, he GOT to have a swagga in order to stroll up in your house with his bug man outfit, ask for your number after being in your home, talk on the phone, and talk to you about what he enjoys)... I could go on, but I think that I've made the general point. That attitude has to stand out on the job and in life for him to go on to greater things!
In general - What you see in me that is good, someone else can see the very same thing and declare it great! Lets see more of the benefit in other folks and stop making ourselves out to be more than what we really are.
Oh, and your letter of reference comment was CLASSIC!
i'm trying not to laugh, but it ain't working....
What??? She sent out an e-mail like its an old sofa she doesn't have room for anymore??? Double you OH... double you!
Nothing... that is... only if you don't understand context or the parallel of him and the theme of black men with potential.
is he willing to relocate? move across the atlantic?
Bravo RiPPa. I thought immediately when the guy was going on and on about his job and insects and stuff that he honestly loved what he does...who's to say that he couldn't be steered into being an Entomologist? That's his passion. Gotta love a dude with passion. I do think that a lot of Black women fear carrying the "load" in a relationship, especially us educated sistas. Face it... statistics show that will probably be the case...and if so, we better get outta that fantasy land of qualifying only degreed Blair Underwoods and look into the heart and the intention of a man.
I think Google Ads goes by key words which is why they put up the Terminix ad. It is like in GMail where the ads that show up on the side are determined by key words in your emails.
I like the story. Far be it for me to give dating advice, but I wouldn't give up on him yet if you enjoy the telephone calls. There are many reasons why he could be awkward in person at first.
i have no clue, but i could ask. he's been talking about leaving ATL...
Most people didn't get past the surface character of Harpo, because he was played over the top in some scenes. Just by virtue of the fact that the character chose to open a juke joint at a time in US history when there was a great Depression going on showed he had great potential, but ironically, he needed two women (Squeak, Sofia) to help him reach the fullness of that potential.
Sometimes I just sit back and watch the swirls these comments take.
Chele, why only tell a portion of the tale? Why not share that you went out with the guy 4 times and he was still all bugs all the time? That he was perfectly happy being a terminix guy and had no ambitions beyond that. Great for him. Is she supposed to listen to him talk about killing creepy crawlies the rest of her life? Did you share that you dragged me and my husband out on the last date and this dude is dull as a box of rocks?
Chele, did you share that he was back at your house for "mosquito misting" today and spent 3 minutes misting and 40 minutes explaining mosquito massacre?
The man TOLD her he wasn't comfortable being himself with her... when someone shows you who they are... believe them.
I think she's done all she can to give him a shot.
And on this Harpo thing... you're doing too much. It's not even that serious.
The construct of "good man" "good woman" got my parents married and hanging in for 52 years now.
Check my comment above. Just no.
Thanks for explaining it to the folks who missed it....
For all we know, dude may have aspirations of owning his own Terminex franchise.
JaymeC, thanks so much for providining more context to the conversation cos I was scratching my head at all this 'give the guy a chance', 'he's passionate about his work' shiznit. Passion and dull are two different thangs.
Bug dude is clearly not for OneChele so can we just drop it? He will probably his perfect leading lady who wants to star in his 'A Bug's Life' movie but OneChele ain't that lady.
And not to belabor all the points already brought up but everyone's definition of 'good' is soooo subjective these days. One man's/woman's trash is another's treasure. It really boils down to what both parties want and are willing to see in each other from the get go and also to be ruthless about if that 'potential' on both sides will ever amount to action. All talk and no action is just that....all talk.
I want a man that is kind, thoughtful, flirtatious, mature, and secure in himself. I'm a work in progress, as it takes a lot of effort for me to divorce myself from the conditioning that I grew up with (man must have a certain degree, status, salary). But, I'm waaaayyyy more concerned with someone who will treat me well, and who is capable of taking care of themselves. I've had the guy that was good on paper and he was an absolute nightmare to be in a relationship with.
As for patience for potential, it depends on the age of the man. A younger man will get more patience, whereas an older guy gets very little. I'm close to 30, so I am looking towards having a companion/partner and family. Someone older than me who has absolutely nothing to show for their potential will get very little pay, regardless of their resume.
Dang Chele! When I first read the title, I was like - why is she hating on Tacos and Chalupas and Burritos - that's deliciousness. Then I kept reading. I liked the post. I didn't need all the back story context to get than Bug Man wasn't floating your boat. It happens, doesn't make you stuck up, difficult or cosinged to spinsterhood because the Terminix man didn't make you moist.
And BTW - didn't you already tell a story where you tried to date that broke ninja who was sleeping on your couch and borrowing Hamiltons? You've done your time in the trenches.
Yet your readers... in turn astonish, annoy and annihilate me with their reflections and projections. Dang - just answer the questions! I'm a fella, yes women see my potential. I'm an okay man destined to be a great one. The best thing about me is that I love and respect women and try to show it. That makes me good. Right woman by my side will make me great.
Dang , dang, dang, I was rooting for Mr. Terminx.I still contend he should join bougie land conversation, he might get the drift. For me the answer is right there in the last two paragraphs; I have core qualities I'm looking for (and no, nothing close to Chili's list) and to comprise on those I know I would be lying to myself. To that end, I might have missed on a potential.
interesting...and promising.
"...potential is just that. It'll only get you so far and then you need to deliver. "
You took the words right out of my mouth. I have given my (real!) phone number on potential. I have dated on potential. I even got engaged on potential (note to self: never do that ish again). But I had to break OFF said engagement because he.didn't.deliver. And I had stuck it out for 5 years, so there was really no excuse and plenty of time.
And now, I'm with a man with a very different kind of potential: not making a whole bunch of money, but enrolled in a very prestigious teaching program. He wouldn't have even had good answers for the bourgie screening questions--his mother was a drug addict & he was raised in the hood by his granny. But he pulled himself up and saw his potential when other people didn't--and he DELIVERED on it, hence his degree from a top 100 university and his chosen career prospects...
So you see now, it's not all that hard to see his potential, he's got a reliable record of making things happen!
I am a new convert to your blog. Love it!
I can see a good man 10 paces out, lol. I don't care if he is dumping my trash or sipping the finest champagne at the bar. I am willing to wait and be patient as long as there is a back up plan, something to fall back on if ambitions are not met. No I am not waiting for a rapper to get discovered or for the pet rock to come back in style. If you want to be a painter, then be a painter but make sure that if you never sell a painting that you have another skill that can allow you to do your painting. I don't want to stifle my man, I want to encourage him, but we can't pay the bills on hope.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Great post. I consider myself a good man. I'm respectful, a gentleman, hard-working, and once I'm in - I'm all the way in (didn't mean that to sound dirty but committed). Some women will always be on that "grass is greener" thing but I think they recognize my hustle.
As for you, Ms. Chele - please stick to dating the dude who OWNS Terminix. We won't judge if you stay in your wheelhouse... seriously.
I met my hubby at 20 so I was all about potential. If I had to start over now... not so much. Good Man? Honesty and Ability to communicate are the first things I would look for.
First of all - LMAO at this title and Terminix dude talking about pest control on the date. Bless his heart.
I think the best thing you said was that a good man isn't good for everybody.
Color Purple Harpo....
Yes it is!
I fully understand context, but as it relates to this discussion, I can't
say that I do. Would you care to fill me, and the rest of us sitting here
shaking our heads, in or is this a secret you'd prefer to keep to yourself?
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