Happy Monday, BougieLand! Please join me in welcoming the smart and talented @WriterChanelle of the From There to Here blog. There was a trending topic that caught our eyes a few weeks ago. Chanelle had some thoughts to share. I thought they would fit right in with our look at relationship readiness. Enjoy and show some comment love:
The single men and women of the world seem to be looking for one thing when it comes to marriage: Love. The difference between the genders? Men are scared of it; and, women think it comes wrapped up in a box labeled Trojans. If Twitter is any indication, the majority of men seem to know what they want, while the women are trying too hard to live up to standards created for women by men.
Twitter is a social network populated by users of varying ages, cultures and races. Twitter has enabled its users to meet new people to follow via hashtags. Some people use these tags to host chats where people come together to discuss ideas around one topic at a specific, scheduled time. Some popular chats include:
- #journchat
- #blogchat
- #custserv
- #BlackEd
- #scriptchat
A description and more detailed listing of these chats can be found here. Twitterers can also participate via the Trending Topics list on their home page. Not too long ago the topic #dearfuturewife was trending across the United States; and, I captured this tweet
#dearfuturewife i do love you...I'm just scared for u to love me!
I took his name out, but I'm sure savvy people could look up the quote if they really want to know who he is. I love you, but I'm scared for you to love me??!
Come on, men; is this how you really feel? What are you scared of? If a woman is already with you, she is probably giving you a good indication of whether or not she loves you as you are right now. Let her in and allow the two of you to grow together. I asked a male friend of mine for his opinion on this topic. He felt men need time to complete themselves and remove perceived weaknesses. Once they do, anything that results in the relationship ending cannot be their fault. To be fair, he said that both men and women think this way. So, we're all just holding up the process by trying to perfect for one another? Great. He further stated that each individual man is waiting for a sign to let him know when he is ready.
Unfortunately, some women think that having sex speeds up the process of falling in love. Men know the difference between the women who are going to be there for a minute and the woman who will be there for a lifetime. In general, they want the lifetime love as much as women do, but men know it's something for which they have to be ready. Love, to a man, cannot be pressured or manipulated; it comes in its own time.
Now, I need the real women to stand up because there are a large number of fakers out there; and, they're trying to speak for us. They're saying things like the following:
I'm tht Grl tht rocs the largst spirals, v-necs, dstryd jeans, n 5in stiletto's! Always got my BB n hand I considr myslf a BIG DEAL
Really, girlfriend? Really? This is how you're going to portray yourself to the world? Unfortunately, this is just one example of many accounts held by women on Twitter who are doing a major disservice to our gender. When the #dearfuturehusband tag became a trending topic, all I saw were tweets saying what they weren't going to do (cook, clean, etc…) and what a man better do/have (money, job, etc…) Let me assure you that these ladies do not speak for me; and, I know that they don't speak for the quality women. When it comes to a future husband, we want to give as much as we get. We want a balanced love that emphasizes trust, commitment and growth. We want to be protected occasionally, taken care of every once in a while, and provided for daily. Just kidding…
When it comes down to it, men and women want the same thing when it comes to a life-long commitment, we just don't know where to find each other and keep running into the wrong men and women. We settle because we don't know if the right person will ever come along. So, men, stop trying to be what you deem deserving of the right woman if you're already with one; and, women, look inside yourself for the woman you truly are, and let her shine. Stop trying to be someone you're not just because video girl of the week got a man by doing it.
Alright BougieLand, for those of you not in the currently married ranks, what would you tell your future spouse? Those that are married, what would (should) you have said to your future spouse prior to taking those vows? (AUTHOR'S WARNING: Don't jack up your good relationships going in on this one, please and thank you)
The floor is yours…
40 comments:
I would tell him that I plan to give my all and try my hardest as long as he will do the same. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I would ask - where ya been hiding? Then I would say - If you cook, I'll clean. And yes I mean that literally and in the larger metaphorical sense<-- see what I did there? LOL
I'd asked her to love me as if she like me.
It's not too much to ask, that's why its hard to find.
I would have told my husband - You realize we're going to have to work at this every single day, right? And he would have said - Yes, I realize that... do you?
And still neither of us would have been ready...
I was watching The Marriage Ref the other night. They had a couple on who were married for years. The husband was upset because his wife always expected him to cook. I believe there should be balance in the cooking and cleaning responsibilities...and that applies for the larger metaphorical sense, as well.
I had a brief ill-fated marriage that lasted about 14 months. I would have told him - it's more than the bump 'n grind. When we get up, we still have to have something in common. So dear future spouse, we need more than great chemistry.
Lord have mercy, I made my wife so many promises that nobody told me it was impossible to keep. My poetic self proclaimed that I would love her everyday more than myself and put no one above her but God, that I would make her feel like a queen every day and take her to heights unknown every night - I didn't make it through the first month on any ot that. All you can do is find a fit and act in respect and honesty, remember the love - it comes back to you. And when days go tough, you grit it out together to make it good again. But I'm only seventeen years in... still learning. :)
Simple but true
Agreed. It's terrible feeling like you are carrying more than your fair share of the weight in the relationship
Much respect. Great when the guys that have already been there drop knowledge to those of us trying to get there.
I know, I love when the married folks chime in - it's like getting the secret sauce recipe.
I would tell him: I won't assume you can read my mind if you won't assume I understand your silence. Communication of verbal kind please!
I would tell her she better stay just as fine as when I met her.
I was talking to my Mom on Saturday. She had an operation and is at reduced activity level for a while. She said semi-jokingly that she thought it would be nice to have me around for six weeks or so to keep the house clean. I'm the clean freak of the family and an efficient energizer-rabbit when it comes to cleaning. She said that she had dropped a hint to my Dad about running the dust mop around, but he hadn't picked up on it. They will be married 50 years this fall. Will my Dad eventually pick up the dust mop? Probably, in his own time and when he feels like it is his decision. I've watched this dance performed my entire life so I've never figured being married would be easy even when it comes to the small stuff. But dust bunnies aside, I'm glad they have had each other all these years.
Here was my lesson learned from the first marriage - I will listen but you have to let me get a word in and listen back. And I will only say it if I mean it, you do the same - please and thanks. But what I really know is that I want to meet the real you, not your best representation of yourself. Just put it out there, I don't care for surprises.
Dear Future Spouse - no nonsense please. If you're serious, I'm serious. If you commit, I commit. You jump, I jump?
And what will you do, in return for that? Just curious.
As I'm in the process of ending a 14 year marriage, the one question I should have asked my husband but I did not was ~ will you have the strength and courage to support and protect me as your wife or will you continue to be a little boy when dealing with your parents? The answer to that question could have saved me so many years of unhappiness...
I would say - That Love is Stronger than Pride stuff has to be earned. So try not to abuse the faith and trust I'm going to bestow at the start. Once it's gone, it's hard to get back.
Dear Future Wife,
Hey. How's it going. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm Leon. For some strange reason we keep missing each other. I've heard of ships passing in the night, but this is ridiculous! We've been apart for some time now and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Were we really not ready for each other? Did I see you for a brief moment only to have my attention stolen to look again and see you weren't there anymore? Or vice versa? If that's the case I humbly apologize.
I'm kinda torn about meeting you. You see I've spent the last year recovering from cancer. My life in general has been turned upside down the last two years. I kinda feel like do we even need to be together? Then again, I also think we'll be good for each other. What makes me right for you, you may ask? I believe that I can make you happy. I know that's real simplistic and not detailed, but it's a start in the right direction of building a great relationship.
Then again who am I kidding? You probably have kids to raise. You might have good career going. You've probably kissed a lot of frogs. A LOT of frogs. Still it wouldn't be bad to get together for lunch, talk some things through and see where it goes from there.
Anyway, here's to us getting together one of these days. Not for nothing, I have a killer music collection. Our dinner parties will be the stuff of legend.
Sincerely,
Leon
Chele, can I call dibs? This answer wins.
No dibs allowed. There's already a line forming in Twitlandia, take a number. LOL.
Great answer Leon.
It's a good letter. It made me smile. I hope you find your lady and kick the cancer to the curb!
Dear Future 'Spouse,Lover, Friend, help-mate', on the moment that we meet, and we will, do not hesitate to tell me you're interested and are ready. If it's you, I will not play coy, play games, or play dumb. Trust me.
i think i may have failed the assignment but i waited all day to come up with some gushy-gushyness but it ain't coming. so this is what is it:
dear future wife
i am not ready for you right now. as much as i might want you right now, trust me it would not end well. i'm selfish. my needs come first. and chances are, i will hurt your feelings and not care. please run from me. give me the space and time i need to grow up. right now, i just wanna play.
Love it!
Thanks for sharing this!
No, I love this - it's honest!
Honest it is.
Dear Future Hubby,
I am speechless. You are not what I expected but I am not what you expected either. Guess what? that means our journey together will be quite interesting. I am ready. Are you, babe?
Yes...I'd like to know the same.
In return I won't trade her in for a newer model.
Wow, not to be condescending but...that was a wonderful and honest letter. Almost makes me feel like "squeeing" like the anime geek I am.
Dear Future Husband,
The number one thing you need to know is that I'm a member of the armed forces and that won't change. The military life is a tough life for spouses and I will cherish the support you will give me. I am in a career with high deployment tempo, about 6 months out of every year not including training, so I will be away from you for long stretches of time. I just came back from a year in Afghanistan and I do have some wounds which are not physical. I asking you to live a life in which we move every few years (possibly overseas) and, for the foreseeable future, I am always away which will not be easy...and if we have children you will be left carrying the load.
I am asking alot...but I'm sure you, my future husband, who can handle this is out there.
Beyond that immediate issue I can be rather taciturn or unbelievably happy as the mood dictates. I love music, comic books and manga, anime, dancing (many forms), reading, clothes, and learning. I am what one could call an "otaku" or geek if you prefer. I am blunt, honest, and typically not willing to tell the little white lies. I hate working out...but do it anyway. I enjoy martial arts but hate how it messes up my hair. When not in uniform I almost always wear dresses and heels. There are rare exceptions but let's be clear...I do not own a pair of jeans. I prefer a 1940's/1950's mode of dress but do dabble in the interesting trends. I am not overtly emotional and may have difficulty sharing my feelings...but I do like hugs.
I have been married before but I have not been in love before. What I learned from that marriage, to my best friend, is that I need to be in love. If you are willing to take this journey with me I would be most appreciative.
OK, why did some gorgeous YOUNG hunk 'holla at me, and I froze? the hell? Actually it was a very nice compliment on my 'earrings', lol and my jacket and my shoes. ha! I said I was ready, but I did'nt know THAT THAT would happen the next day. I think his age inhibited me. I'm 'a woman of a certain age', and while I said I am ready, I meant for someone in my age bracket. Right? I can't do 20+ years younger, or can I? (now feeling sheepish)
Why not? Your world, your rules.
Dear Future Husband,
Took you long enough to find me, lol. Anyways I know that I can be a little too silly for you sometimes and too emotional other times, but I know you love me all in between. I know that if you are with me that you must love my children and they must love you too. I know I can appreciate a man willing to raise 3 children that aren't his. I know that we are having a hell of a time because I know that there is something funny going on with me on the daily basis, so you days with me aren't without some type of funny drama. Hopefully I have opened up and torn down some of those walls I have. we all have them and are entitled to keep a few. I just hope I let you look around the corner and see what I have back there before I reveal it all. Anyways, just be patient with me and keep these things in mind. The littlest things make me smile when I am down. Don't get me wrong, diamonds work too. Chocolate and flowers are always goo things. Jewelry too. I sing badly in the show. I like corny jokes. I love knowing stupid pointless trivia, so get use to watching Cash Cab and Jeopardy. I am a huge kid at heart and I love to be surprised. I am a clutz and hopeless sometimes, but I hope that you will be giving me hope all throughout our marriage.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
I read this a week ago, but did not know how to respond at the time. I admired the comment for being blunt, but, reading it again, I'm still torn. Maybe it's because I was the type of woman to say okay and keep hoping that you (this type of guy) would grow up and come back. I thought that if the guy's worst flaw is that he was trying to be better, that I could do worse. Now, I realize that this guy, as you say, will hurt me the most and must be run from.
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